Know Thy Enemy: Protestors

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Terrorists are horrible, but I have a t-shirt to handle them. Who are also as annoying, though, are protestors. Since Bush is encountering so many protestors while in Britain, I thought I’d put my crack research staff on finding out as much information about protestors as they could. Here’s what they found:
FUN FACTS ABOUT PROTESTORS
* They are called “protestors” because there is something which they “protest”. Only God know what, though, because they’re so damn incoherent.
* Much like the pineapple, protestors start with a ‘p’.
* Protestors like to yell a lot, but it’s hard to hear what they’re saying. It’s probably about how much they like Saddam and dictators since them being deposed seems to really get them riled.
* Protestors try to make their message clearer by waving signs around. Apparently they don’t think there should be trade between the Red Cross and Exxon.
* A number of protestors these days are anarchists. They can be identified as the protestors who can’t properly pronounce what they are.
* Large scale protests rarely change things because people don’t want to share opinions with smelly, yelling people.
* To protestors, the day they protest is known as “action day”. To police, it’s known as “whomping day”.
* If you’re a police officer and it looks like protests are getting out of control, shoot a protestor. I thought I saw him going for a gun too (wink) (wink).
* Like bees, protestors operate in swarms, but they don’t produce anything useful like honey.
* In America, the right to protest is guaranteed by the First Amendment, but I don’t think it’s a coincidence how that one’s directly followed by one saying we should have guns.
* Whatever you do, don’t let protestors touch you! It will make you annoyed.
* There are rarely large scale protests by right-leaning people on account of them having things called dignity and jobs.
* By the principles of basic physics, sound can be nullified by hitting it with the same sound with the sound wave offset by ninety degrees. So, to nullify the yelling of protestors, blast them with the recording of monkeys screeching.
* You make monkeys screech by dangling bananas in front of them but never giving them to them. Stupid monkeys. What are they going to do anyway? Take over the world and blow up the Statue of Liberty?
* Much like fire, protestors need oxygen to survive. Also like fire, denying protestors oxygen can cause them to die out.
* In another similarity to fire, dousing protestors with water can help quell them.
* Speaking of water, in a fight between protestors and Aquaman, Aquaman would soon be running around waving a sign saying how old forest logging is endangering the sea turtle.
* Maybe if the song “Don’t Worry; Be Happy” were played over loudspeakers, protestors would stop protesting as they no longer worried and were now happy. It’s worth a shot.
* Another idea is tear gas, but that will probably cause them to worry and not be happy. Screw them.

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  11. An instant classic Frank.
    One of my police officer buddies used the line from “Blazing Saddles”
    We’ll go a ridin into town, a-whompin and a-whoopin every livin thing in sight
    Cops also call protests “Stick Day”

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  12. Peter B:
    Not to mention their low INT causes them to have to make Save vs. Logic rolls on every statement they make.
    Frank…Sith Monkeys are immune to bannana taunts…we basically swipe off the arm of the offender with our lightsabers and take the bannana. Occasionally we beat the taunter with his/her own arm, too.

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  13. “A number of protestors these days are anarchists. They can be identified as the protestors who can’t properly pronounce what they are.”
    Actually, I think they can be identified by their ignorance as to what an “anarchist” is. If I have to watch another leader of an “anarchist” group talk about how much planning went into organizing their schedule of events down here in Miami, I’m going to drive my car right through their parade (Why not? All the old people down here do it!).
    Not only that, but they are protesting free trade! What kind of anarchist protests the end of taxes and borders?

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  18. Don’t worry about Kim, Frank. I knew SOMEODY would forget. I loaded up a couple of extra boxes yesterday while my wife, the lovely and gracious Linda Lou, was hogging the computer. I loaded some .357, .223 and .30-06. I’ll write ‘from Fnrak’ on the bullets of one box. Write me in on the next mission of the Rumsfeld Strangler and we’ll have one more clue for the Baffled DC Police. Pick your cartridge, sorry, no .45 acp on this run.

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  28. Very funny Frank! One of your best. I have to say though, your line about oxygen reminded me of something I once thought of. Do you suppose somewhere out there, there is an organization protesting the rapid waste of Earth’s precious oxygen supply? They could call themselves “Students against breathing.”

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  34. Email their little groups, send them stories like this and other articles like female oppression in Islamic countries and see what they come out with, one of them asked me if I really thought the west was better than the Arab world with women’s rights even though the very article I sent proved that the west is best. Use hotmail though and change accounts regularly because they block accounts and spam and virus attacks occasionally follow after communicating with these ‘peaceful’ people.

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  37. While unleashing near-nuclear force upon anarchists seems appealing, the survivors will find themselves surrounded by half-demolished buildings, dead bodies, and burning emergency buildings. In short, they will wake up in anarchist heaven.
    I personally prefer a concept known as “FLC ray guns”. These Humvee mounted radio wave emitters will bombard the protestors with so much energy that they all have FLC’s, or funny-looking children. This long-term solution will assure the complete absence of WTO protesters in the next generation, or at least, none we’d feel bad about breaking the face of.
    When dealing with clumps particularly angry protesters, I advise the use of molotov cocktails carefully aimed and dropped from the tops of buildings. I’ve done this before and the cops -always- claim the protesters dropped it. Avoid using these at night because the burning rag gives away your position. When attacking at night, use two bottles tied together, one filled with pure sodium metal filings and the other… nevermind. I’m suddenly seeing the problems with the Patriot Act.

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  39. It probably wouldn’t turn them off, but it might make them all ring at the same time. With the entire crowd’s cell phones ringing at the same time, the degree of annoyance amongst the protestors would skyrocket, causing their heads to explode. The other alternative is that they would all pause to answer, and when they bring the phones to their heads, the radio waves would be magnified by the circuitry and cause their heads to… explode. The idea of a crowd of idiots popping like zits is morbidly interesting.
    The FLC ray Humvee is an actual project, only they are using microwaves. That way, you can cause a crowd to feel uncomfortably warm, like standing too close to a bonfire, or crank it up to “Broil”.

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