Bill O’Reilly: Next up on the Factor is Secretary of the Defense Donald Rumsfeld.
Donald Rumsfeld: Where the hell are you? What is this?
O’Reilly: It’s a satellite hook-up. Secretary.
Rumsfeld: Then how am I supposed to strangle you if you enrage me?
O’Reilly: (laughs) I guess you’ll just have to come over here.
Rumsfeld: I will. Start your questions!
O’Reilly: So what is your opinion of how things are going in Iraq?
Rumsfeld: Excellent. Our enemies are being slaughtered in mass numbers.
O’Reilly: But there are many who don’t like America.
Rumsfeld: And they will die! We will hunt them down and kill them like dogs. Actually, I was just on a dog hunt this morning.
O’Reilly: Fair enough. Now some people say that you have botched the occupation and…
Rumsfeld: They will die as well!
O’Reilly: But you have to admit that some people can perceive that things aren’t going so well in Iraq…
Rumsfeld: And some people will be strangled by my own hands!
O’Reilly: Come on, Secretary. This is the no spin zone. Are we supposed to believe you can actually strangle everyone criticizing you?
Rumsfeld: Are you questioning me, you impudent fool! I know where you live which will soon be known as where you died!
O’Reilly: In all respect, Secretary, you’re just dodging the question now. Now, what about…
Rumsfeld: Each time you speak, you add that much more pain to your death…
O’Reilly: Hey, it’s my show and I get to talk so…
Rumsfeld: You pompous prick! I will rip your guts out with my teeth then…
O’Reilly: Cut his mike. Okay, now I get to talk, Mr. Secretary. A lot of people think you have not committed enough troops to Iraq, and I want a “no spin” response to that accusation. Put his mike back on.
Rumsfeld: …it down your neck. Your blood will paint the entire…
O’Reilly: You’re still not answering the question.
Rumsfeld: Sorry, could you repeat it?
O’Reilly: The question was about how people think you have failed in Iraq and…
Rumsfeld: And I said I’d kill them. What don’t you understand?
O’Reilly: But that’s not answering…
Rumsfeld: Why must I answer the concern of people who will be dead?
O’Reilly: Your just repeating the same tired old lines. You can’t possibly kill all of them when you didn’t even successfully kill Steve Doocy. In fact…
Rumsfeld: I’ll show you! Rarr!
O’Reilly: And apparently the Secretary has destroyed the satellite connection. Well, I guess he couldn’t stand the no spin zone. On to our next topic: why must our tax money go to NPR douche bags who won’t allow a fair discussion of my new book, Who’s Looking Out for You. With us, we have some idiot from NPR.
NPR Idiot: Now, I’d just like to point out…
O’Reilly: Quiet! There’s breaking news… Apparently a group of about a hundred protestors has been found strangled to death. Police think it’s the work of the so-called “Rumsfeld Strangler”, as a note was found at the scene reading, “I, Donald Rumsfeld, strangled these guys, and now I’m coming after Bill O’Reilly.” Police are currently deciphering what that’s supposed to mean, and we’ll have more information as it become available. Now, back to the NPR Idiot… hmm, he seems to have been strangled to death. Guess yet another person couldn’t stand the “no spin zone”. As for the most ridiculous item of the day… ack… erk…