Apparently the Bush administration is focusing on Howard Dean as being the challenge in the 2004 election, so I think I should to. Instead of just using my parody skills to forward my own agenda, I thought I might try and find some real news about Howard Dean. Ends up I found out through an FBI contact (don’t ask) that there had been constant monitoring of Howard Dean and his friend Richard Robertson throughout the seventies because of suspicion of their involvement with a Columbian drug ring (which ended up being hardly true at all). Here are some select excerpts from the transcripts.
Feburary 11, 1970. Subjects Howard “Howie” Dean and Richard “Skeeter” Robertson are at Dean’s home.
Howie: Dude, I’m like bored.
Skeeter: I know, dude. What can we do?
Howie: I dunno; I was asking you, dude.
Skeeter: Well, there is like a war in Vietnam going on. We could go help out with that.
Howie: Dude, that sounds hard. And my back hurts.
Skeeter: Well… we could go skiing.
Howie: Righteous!
March 23, 1970. Subjects Howard “Howie” Dean and Richard “Skeeter” Robertson are at a meeting in an abandoned warehouse.
Howie: Dude, we’re like totally going to be agents for the KGB.
Skeeter: I know, dude. Communism is like so cool and capitalism like totally sucks.
Howie: Dude, that is so true.
Unidentified KGB Agent: So are you two ready to spy against America for mother Russia?
Howie: Totally.
Skeeter: Yeah, we totally want to help, Commie dude.
Agent: Remember, you must never be discovered, though. If you are captured, you must take these cyanide pills.
Skeeter: Whoa! Cyanide like totally sucks.
Howie: I don’t think I do this, Commie dude. My back like… hurts.
Skeeter: I know! Let’s go skiing instead!
Howie: Righteous!
June 7, 1970. Subjects Howard “Howie” Dean and Richard “Skeeter” Robertson are at a meeting at the local college.
Howie: We’re like totally going to be Islamic extremists!
Skeeter: Totally, dude! Hey, what are they chanting death to?
Howie: America, dude. America totally sucks and we’re going to bomb it, dude.
Skeeter: Cool!
Howie: Hey, what’s with all this praying towards Mecca, dude? Like, what happens if someone blindfolds you, spins you around, and then it’s time to pray towards Mecca? What do you do?
Skeeter: Dude! You’d be like totally screwed!
Unidentified Mullah: So are you two ready to strike against the infidels?
Howie: Totally!
Skeeter: Infidels like suck.
Mullah: Here are your suicide bombing targets.
Howie: Awesome. Let’s… Whoa! Was there a “suicide” with that “bombing”?
Mullah: You will become martyrs and receive 72 virgins in heaven.
Skeeter: But what if you want women with more experience?
Howie: Uh, Islam dude, my back like hurts. I don’t think I can do this. It was all Skeeter’s idea to come here anyway.
Skeeter: I just wanted to hit on hot Islam chicks.
Howie: You can’t even tell if they are hot, dude; they’re wearing veils.
Skeeter: Whatever, dude. Why don’t we go skiing?
Howie: Righteous!
November 17, 1970. Subjects Howard “Howie” Dean and Richard “Skeeter” Robertson are at a bank at midnight.
Howie: Dude, we are totally like henchman for the Riddler.
Skeeter: And we like totally robbed a bank, dude.
Howie: And Batman will never find out because the Riddler leaves riddles and they are like totally hard.
Skeeter: If he didn’t leave riddles at all, then there would be like even less chance of Batman finding us, dude.
Howie: Shut up, dude. What do you know about being a super-criminal?
Riddler: Are you two ready? Batman has found us.
Howie: I’m totally ready, riddle dude.
Skeeter: Doesn’t like Batman kick and stuff, dude?
Howie: You worry too much, dude. We have like guns.
Skeeter: Dude! There’s Batman! Let’s shoot him!
Howie: Whoa! He like totally threw some throwing things at me and knocked the gun from my hand, dude.
Skeeter: He did that to me too, dude.
Batman: Time to taste justice, scumbags.
Howie: Whoa, Bat-dude, I like can’t fight you because… uh… my back like hurts.
Skeeter: Hey, let’s go skiing instead, dude.
Howie: Righteous!
Dude! That rocked! I can’t wait for the part where they travel through time in a phonebooth and play Twister with death! Later, Dude.
That was totally non-non-non-heinous! You, like, totally nailed ’em.
Dude! I laughed so hard, like my back hurts.
I wonder what the tapes would be like now?
Howie: dude I want to run for president.
Skeeter: Righteous, we can get lots of money for the campain
Howie: Dude, that is so awesome. We can do fundraising dinners and people will pay use to eat with use.
Skeeter: Totally!
Reporter: Mr. Dean, what do you think of the leak on IMAO of FBI tapes of you and Mr. Robertson?
Howie: Dude, that question sounds hard, and Frank J has righteous T-Shirts. And my back hurts.
Skeeter: Well… we could go skiing.
Howie: Righteous!
Oh, Dianne, that’s an interesting theory. And it could be true. Not that I think so, but it’s not hard to see how people could believe it, given his penchant for secrecy. He really should be more forthcoming, that’s all I ask for.
It looks as though I’m becoming IMAO’s Resident Vermonter, and even though I’m the only one here whose not a Republican [dodges beer bottle] and I like Howard Dean [beats off Rumsfeld with a bat] I’ll make a confession:
I actually laughed out loud at this. I just couldn’t help myself. Howard Dean as a henchman for the Riddler just about has me in convulsions on the floor.
All that henchman experience for the Riddler is really paying off now as he henchmans for Chim-Chim.
“what if you want women with more experience?”
“Dude, we are totally like henchman for the Riddler.”
Nice
Frank:
Like, dude, I really laughed. Really. No kidding!
“What if you want women with more experience?” Stop, you are killing me!
How did you get the tapes? I won’t tell anyone, honest, dude.
mikey
HA! I love it. My sides are splitting.
Hope we get more soon.
Great. but it should have been titled “Howie and Skeeters Excellent Adventure”. And, dude, it like totally had me laughing my like total butt off.
That was totally, awesome, dude!!! But why didn’t they form a band????
Like wow, man! What kind of drugs were those dudes taking?
August 16, 1991. Subjects Howard “Howie” Dean and Richard “Skeeter” Robertson are in the Governor’s office.
Skeeter: Like, dude, Dick’s dead and you’re Governor now.
Howie: I know, dude. Can’t wait to get started.
Skeeter: What-er-ya, like, gonna do first?
Howie: I’m gonna lay some heavy tax breaks on Ken Lay and the boys. Dude, I’m gonna turn Vermont into a tax haven for captive insurance companies for all the big corporations.
Skeeter: Like, coolest, dude. Think they’ll slide us some free lift-tickets for when we hit the slopes?
June 23, 2000. Subjects Howard “Howie” Dean and Richard “Skeeter” Robertson are outside the Vermont State Mental Hospital.
Skeeter: Like, dude, what are we doin’ here? Place looks deserted.
Howie: That’s how it’s supposed to look since I cut it’s funding. Nobody knows there’s still 50 inmates here.
Skeeter: Cool, dude, I hear them crazy chicks’ll do anything.
Howie: Yeah. Ow…my back hurts…let’s go skiing, instead.
Sketter: Righteous, dude, this spooky place is startin’ to gimme the creeps, anyway.
Blogs, News, and Other Stuff
Hey, so Arnold is actually getting things done as the Governator…by making compromises and bringing people together. Good for him! There stories all over the news wires this morning about Europe being angry about the US excluding certain ahem allies
Whoa! Like dat wuz totally bitchin, dude. Gee, look at all da pretty colors, man.
******BREAKING NEWS******BREAKING NEWS******BREAKING NEWS******BREAKING NEWS******BREAKING NEWS******BREAKING NEWS******BREAKING NEWS******BREAKING NEWS******BREAKING NEWS******BREAKING NEWS******
CHIRAC AGREED TO SEND 200.000 FRENCH TROOPS TO BAIL OUT YOUESSAN “ARMY” HIT BY MASSIVE DESERTIONS
Our special correspondent in Paris reports.
French officials are alarmed by the catastrophic news coming from Iraq: unitedstatish “soldiers” are escaping from Iraq under the guise of Kurdish citizens, wearing the famous Iraqi and Arab al-dashdasha (loose headdress) which has become much sought-after recently, Iraqis told FoxNews. His Excellency Jean-David Levitte, France’s ambassador to the youess, was lately ordered to return to France immediately by the President of the French Republic, Jacques Chirac. Mr Levitte unconvincingly denied leaking that President Chirac was “infuriated” that the French “had to bail the youess out for a third time in less than 250 years” —referring to the independence granted by the French Army to the British insurgents and to the Louisiana purchase wanted by Paris to help nascent youessan agriculture and stop starvation. According to press leaks, Mr Chirac nonetheless admitted that he wouldn’t “wait until all those cheeseburger-eatin’ desertin’ she-boons are hiding somewhere in Turkey” to lend a helping hand to the desperate unitedstatish officials. An aid to Mrs MichËle Alliot-Marie, Minister of Defence, aired that President Chirac was prepared to send a 200.000-strong expeditionary force to replace deserting youessans. The aid told Mrs Alliot-Marie did nothing to hide her “annoyance” at youessan “staggering incompetence “ and “utter inaptitude “. She allegedly even mentioned that “the UN-mandated French are successful in Congo-ZaÔre the size of which is four times bigger than that of France whereas the youessan outlaws are simply incapable of taking charge of Iraq which is 22 times smaller than the youessey. This is starting to get ridiculous !”.
Authorised sources from Vichyngton D.C. disclosed that Obersturmführer John Ashcroft recently arranged a secret trip to the French capital for Donald Rumsfeld. French Authorities have issued a forged Pakistani passport under the fake name of “Donallahda Ben Rimsfild” to camouflage Rumsfeld’s top-secret flight to Paris. Besides those humiliating measures, Mrs Ben Rimsfild had to put a burka on before she was allowed on board in an Air France’s Airbus for Paris. “The burka was needed to guarantee anonymity to Mr Rumsfeld”, said Jean-Cyril Spinetta, Air France’s CEO. “It was intended as neither a persecutory manúuvre nor a vicious intrigue. It was a mere self-explaining precautionary step”. At her arrival to Charles-de-Gaulle airport, Mrs Ben Rimsfild was swiftly pushed in a black-glassed, bullet-proof luxury Renault that rushed to the Quai d’Orsay —the office of Mr Dominique de Villepin, Minister of Foreign Affairs. After a three-hour fifty-minute wait in the sumptuously furnished anteroom to de Villepin’s austere cabinet, Mrs Ben Rimsfild was eventually asked in. Profoundly embarrassed by Mrs Ben Rimsfild’s utter impropriety, Mr de Villepin urged the youessan to unveil. Which (s)he did —suddenly bursting into tears and yelling hysterically: “You MUST help us out ! You MUST bail us out ! I can’t take it anymore–”. Disconcerted by such an obvious lack of sang-froid, de Villepin spouted comforting words to Mrs Ben Rimsfild that he would see to it that President Chirac makes a telephone call to Bush, and then he saw the whining nuisance off at his cabinet’s mahogany doors.
Unfortunately French concerns about unitedstatish impotence are not limited to diplomatic and military issues. Said Francis Mer, France’s Minister of Economy and Finance: “The French are happy to help the youessey overcome those very sad times” —a polite allusion to the disastrous $-31.250.000.000.000 deficit caused by unitedstatish households, companies and federal government. Mr Mer explained that the “fine” the Californian Attorney General “demanded” from the Crédit Lyonnais —a top-ranking French-owned bank— and from French Authorities “was actually a secret bilateral agreement”. To the great despair of demoralised youess financial “markets”, the Crédit Lyonnais acquired Executive Life (an ailing unitedstatish insurance company) a few years ago. Upon a formal request by Mrs Roselyne Bachelot, Minister of Environment and Ecology, Mr Mer agreed to inject fresh money ($ 475.000.000) into the youess “economy” “to help California hire more fire-fighters so that new blazes could be extinguished more rapidly”. Mr Mer also insisted that the extra subsidy “should be allocated to the 60.000.000 youessans who still don’t enjoy Social Security, a fundamental right of unitedstatish citizens”. Asked whether the $-475.000.000 subsidy was truly considered a “fine” by the French government, Mr Mer simply left without answering —a clumsy attempt to appear diplomatic. Mrs Bachelot —an inveterate leaker— later floated that the subsidy was in reality categorised as “foreign emergency aid” according to the French public budget system, although “we are eager to show utmost consideration towards our unlucky, pitiful unitedstatish friends”.
wtf???
looks like someone didn’t cut the funding for internet service to that mental hospital…
good grief
I had a misgiving that somehow it was like, reverse satire or something… so i made another effort to read through that stuff. it’s like a bad parody of itself.
All the same, I can’t tell if it’s some crazy right wing person trying to spin some kind of allegory, or what. I can’t see why a lefty would post that; it’s too embarrassing.
would the author care to enlighten us?
p.s. I consider myself right wing, just not crazy
this is my last comment, i swear. I have pondered previous poster’s intentions. My theory is that some frenchy got a little torqued by Frank’s razor-edged satire and decided to share with us the way they see it from their perspective. That is the only explanation I can come up with.
Somehow it doesn’t capture the spirit of Frank’s wittiness… Aside from the lack of humor, it has a sour tang of bitterness to it. Frank, while a Republican, is able to poke light-hearted fun at both sides of the political aisle. I seem to remember hearing some lefties came here for ‘great Rumsfeld bashing’.
RE: “Chirac agreed to send…” previous post.
WTF!
Litigator
Hey Frank, wake up: Saddam’s captured!
Look on my works, ye trolls, and dispair!
Saddam today, WMD in four to six weeks?
There is only one punishment fitting for Saddam. TO THE PAIN!!!!
I think Amrican s are getting fed up with , being a second class citizen ! I know I am ! It s time American s take back our Country !!
Deport All FOREIGNER S !
Past War s , Foreigner s were sent to Detention Camp s , today Not , well they need to be ! People are bringing past heath Hazard s we have cured , and new health hazard s to OUR Country , I always hear the it s against Our Civil right s from foreigner s , WELL get a grip your not American you have no civil right s !!!!
FOREIGNER S COME INTO THIS COUNRTY SHOULD HAVE TO SPEAK OUR LANGUAGE !! HELL THEY KNOW WHAT THE ALMIGHTY $$$$$$$$$$$ IS !!
FOREIGNER S COME INTO THIS COUNRTY GET EVERYTHING HANDED TO THEM , FOR INSTANCE ,$1800.00 IN FOOD STAMP S , IF YOUR AN AMERICAN YOU NEED HELP , YOU DONT GET IT , EVERY CORNER YOU GO TO ALL THE LOCAL STORE S ARE OWNED BY CHINESE , VIETNAMESE , AND TOWEL HEAD S !! GO FIGURE !!!!!
THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT NEED S TO TAKE CARE OF THERE OWN , GIVE THE AMERICAN S THE MONEY OPEN BUSINESSES NOT THE FOREIGNER S !!
WE DON T OWE ANYONE ANYTHING !!!!!!!!! BUT OUR OWN !!
FORIEGNER S IN OUR SCHOOL S THAT CAN T SPEAK OUR LANGUAGE DONT HAVE TO TAKE THE MCAS TEST S ! WHAT A INSULT TO OUR CHILDREN !!!!!!
GET A GRIP AMERICAN S TAKE BACK AMERICA !
THEY SHOULD VE BLOWN UP THOSE COUNTRY S , OUR TAX MONEY S REBUILDING THAT COUNRTY , THEY WOULD NT REBUILD OUR S , NOW WOULD THEY !! I DONT SEE THEM REBUILDING THE TWIN TOWER S , AND BRINGING BACK THE LIVES OF THOSE PEOPLE WHOM PERISHED IN IT , OR THE LIVE S OF THERE FAMILIE S !!! DO YOU !
PAM AM FLGT 103 OVER LOCKERBIE DID THEY REBUILD THE LIVE S OF THOSE PEOPLE AND MANY OTHER S !
THEY MAY HAVE SADDAM , SO WHAT , THEY CATCH ALL THESE MARTER S BIG DEAL , THEY LL ALWAY S BE MORE!! SO WIPE THEM ALL OUT , SORRY ABOUT THERE INNOCENT PEOPLE , BUT THEY DON T CARE ABOUT OUR S NOW DO THEY !
1 FET UP AMERICAN HERE !!! ANY OTHER FET AMERICAN S OUT THERE !!! TIME TO SPEAK OUT AND TAKE OUR , OUR COUNTRY BACK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!