Dave F from Burlington, CT writes:
Frank, I heard that California is planning to issue drivers license’s to illegal aliens. Why would a monster who flies a spaceship need a license?
Because speeding down the highway is cool, dude. If you’ve every flown a spaceship, it big and unwieldy, I tell ya, while a Corvette is sleek, yo. And an alien is already in enough trouble being chased by men in black; last thing he needs is to be put in jail for driving illegally.
Tim from Seoul Korea writes:
If, as according to popular scientific theory, the universe is curved on itself – have you ever worried that you are so far right that you may actually end up on the left?
That’s crazy talk. I could never be liberal, no matter what the circumstances. Once, a scientist told me that in some parallel universe there would be a liberal Frank J., and I beat him. And I mean severely. He won’t walk again. So who won that scientific debate? That’s right; score one for the Frankster.
Now no more talking about this.
Pam from Ohio writes:
Who is Pedro and why is he calling me?
PS His calls started the same day I started reading IMAO…mmmm
We don’t talk about Pedro. Next question.
Pedro asks:
About that female Hamas terrorist who recently murdered four Israelis, was she a lesbian? Will she get those 72 virgins?
Oh yeah; 73 women making out for eternity. Now there’s a heaven, heh heh.
…wait, I mean that’s deviant and wrong. I’m a good Catholic boy. Stop putting thought like this in my head.
M. McClain (MAJ Mike) from San Antonio writes:
Question – 9mm or cal. 45 ACP? Beretta or M1911A1?
I’m e-mailing from deep cover at my high school while my students are
taking a Geography test.
Good use of your time, sir… except the answer to that question should be pretty obvious to my avid readers. Maybe this graphic sent in by a reader can clear up things.
Ruth in NC asks:
Are you a ninja or a pirate?
I am a samurai, and I fight with honor, my sword of justice striking down both pirate and ninja. Duh.
Elliot Temple from Berkeley, California asks:
Is evolution true? Does evolution really say my great grandfather was
a monkey?
No! It is a lie spread by monkey kind in a ploy to keep us from killing them. We actually evolved from the kangaroo, and that’s why there is a pouch on your stomach. Just trust me about the pouch and don’t look.
T.J. from Melbourne, FL writes:
President Bush has recently proposed plans to bring Americans back to the moon. How are we going to nuke the moon if Americans are going to be on it?
It’s just a matter of timing; don’t nuke the moon while Americans are there (but maybe while Chinese are). Also, maybe nuke the other side so as to not radiate our astronauts.
But we’re not talking about Nuke the Moon anymore; we’re talking about terrorists. So buy my new t-shirt.
NOW!

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.