…but I wasn’t credited. Oh well; one of these days I’ll gain their respect. See if you can tell which one of these e-mails was mine.
Archive of entries posted on 21st January 2004
In My World: A Post of Chomps Biting Someone
He’s Chomps, Chomps, the world’s angriest dog.
Anything that moves, he’ll want to kill.
And, if it doesn’t move, he’ll attack it still.
‘Cause he’s Chomps, Chomps, the world’s angriest dog.
He’s angry at everything and we don’t why.
Just stay out of his way, or you’re gonna die.
Since he’s Chomps, Chomps, the world’s angriest dog.
YEAH!
“Dammit! Left the backdoor open again,” Donald Rumsfeld exclaimed. “Chomps must have gotten out, and I bet soon I’m going to be hearing from some whiny mother about how my dog swallowed her weak, stupid child. And there is no way to explain natural selection to a hysterical broad.” Rumsfeld stared at the door for a moment. He then took a swig from his whiskey flask. “Ah, screw it.”
Chomps was angry. The wind blew through the street. Chomps growled at the wind. He then barked at the street. Both filled him with rage. Then again, so did the building around him, the people on the sidewalk who gave him wary glances – glances that only made him angrier. Then there was the sky; it made him angry as well. He so wished to grab the sky by its neck and shake it until dead, but it had no neck. Things without necks made Chomps angry. Actually, everything he could see, smell, hear, or feel made him angry. The only problem was he could not lash out against it all. That knowledge made him angry.
He needed to find something to focus his rage on…
“Winning the Iowa caucus reminds me of how I served in Vietnam,” John Kerry told his audience. “In Vietnam I won things too, like a card game. And I talked – just like I am talking now. Vietnam. Vietnam. Vietnam.”
“This certainly was a boon for John Kerry, wasn’t it?” Wolf Blitzer commented.
“That it was,” Paula Zhan answered, “and I believe it’s worth mentioning that he had served in Vietnam.”
“Nothing could mar this day for him,” Wolf said, “Except, perhaps, for that very angry looking dog that’s charging his way.”
Chomps jumped up and grabbed Kerry by the top of his head and started shaking him. “Ah! My important looking hair!” Kerry cried. He then started screaming in pain.
“Is it just me,” Paula stated, “Or does his screams of pain sound a lot like, ‘I served in Vietnam’?”
“Let’s go to John Edwards who is speaking now,” Wolf said.
“My strong showing in Iowa shows that people want a positive message from an ordinary guy just like you,” Senator Edwards said. “I avoided negative campaigning and…”
Suddenly Edwards’s podium disappeared as Chomps chewed it apart.
“You stupid dog!” Edwards yelled. “I’m a lawyer! I’ll sue you and your owner!”
Chomps growled and stared at Edwards angrily.
“Uh… maybe we can keep the law out of this,” Edwards now said shakily as he held up his hands and backed away. “We’re both adults and…”
“Ow!” Paula exclaimed, “That’s has to dampen Senator Edwards’s mood.”
“It’s hard to be cheery with that much blood loss,” Wolf stated. “Now let’s go to Wesley Clark who is touting the endorsement of corpulent, disgusting, obnoxious liberal Michael Moore.”
“We have a fake presidency!” Moore said, holding a visibly uncomfortable Clark close to him. “And it’s time for a real general who will beat Bush and… DEAR GOD! NOT AGAIN!”
“And there is that angry dog once more,” Wolf stated, “He sure seems to have some energy.”
“He has to to be able to shake around that much mass,” Paula added.
Chomps tossed Moore into the crowd, crushing a number of his fans.
“Run away!” Clark yelled as he fled.
“I don’t think Clark is going to able to out run that rottweiler,” Paula said.
“Probably not. Now let’s go to Howard Dean who, undaunted form his loss in Iowa, is giving yet another psychotic, rage-filled speech.”
“WE WILL NOT GIVE UP!” yelled a red faced Howard Dean in front of cheering supporters. “WE’RE GOING TO NEW YORK! AND CALIFORNIA! AND WASHINGTON! AND MINNESOTA! AND OHIO!”
“Alphabetically!” shouted an enthusiastic Dean supporter.
“YOU WILL SEE US IN ALABAMA!” Dean now screamed, his face turning redder, “AND ALASKA! AND ARIZONA! AND ARKANSAS! AND CALIFORNIA! AND COLORADO!”
“Do state capitals!” yelled another supporter.
“WE WILL WIN IN DOVER! AND TOPEKA! AND JEFFERSON CITY! AND BISMARCK!”
“Now do foreign capital!” squealed an enthralled female Dean supporter.
“THEY WILL HEAR US IN PARIS!” Dean continued, looking like he was about to explode. “AND BRUSSELS! AND YAMOUSSOUKRO! AND BANDAR SERI BEGAWAN!”
“Dinosaurs of the late Cretaceous Period!” shrieked a supporter who was worked into a near frenzy.
“WE WILL MAKE THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION AS EXTINCT AS THE MASIAKASAURUS! AND THE BAGACERATOPS! AND THE TOCHISAURUS! AND THE CRATAEOMUS!” Dean’s face was now blood red, and he was no longer able to contain the rage inside him. He thus let out a primal, high-pitched yell of, “YEAGH!!!”
Then he was tackled by a rottweiler.
“There’s that dog again,” Wolf commented.
“You think you can take me!!!” Dean yelled, tossing Chomps across the stage.
“I guess it’s now a battle between the world’s angriest dog and the world angriest Democrat presidential candidate,” Paula stated.
Chomps leapt at Dean and clamped down his jaw upon Dean’s neck. “YEAGH!!!“, Dean yelled again, and, as he increased in anger, so did the size of the veins on his neck. Eventually the swelling veins forced Chomps’s mouth open and he could no longer keep his grip. Dean then punched Chomps in the stomach followed by a kick that sent the dog rolling across the ground.
“Massachusetts! New Hampshire! Rhode Island! Nevada!” Dean screamed as he charged Chomps once more.
Chomps stayed low and bit Dean’s leg, tripping him onto his face. Then, with all his weight, Chomps slammed down on Dean’s back.
“Ahh! My back!” Dean shrieked, “I give up and go skiing!”
As Dean got up and stumbled off, Chomps let out a bark of victory.
“Quite a day for the presidential candidates,” Wolf said.
“Yes it has been,” Paula answered. “That angry dog sure got around.”
“Almost defies logic,” Wolf stated.
“That is does. Next up… uh… I can’t read the teleprompter,” Paula said quizzically, “Kinda looks like the teeth of a gaping maw… AHHH!”
Rumsfeld noticed Chomps walk in through the back door. “You look so tired you can hardly keep your anger up,” he said sympathetically as he walked over to pet the rottweiler. Chomps’s anger died down even more until his growl was almost a purr.
“Now, let’s find some countries to bomb,” Rumsfeld told his dog. He looked over the map he had spread out on his coffee table. “Hmm. I never heard of that country. If it’s not a U.S. territory, what do you think about bombing it and stealing its riches, Chomps?”
Chomps barked in approval.
“That’s my boy!”