I’m still trying to work on my book that will analyze the methods and motives of liberals. I meant to get a whole chapter done yesterday, but something came up and I didn’t finish it. Anyway, here is what I got so far, and I’d love to hear some opinions. Is it too zany? Not zany enough?
“Look! It Federal Government!”
Liberals want to take my money and spend it on poor people and children, but I hate poor people and children and like my money. So, you ask, why I don’t I just throw a stick at liberals when they come for my money?
I wish it were that simple.
You see, a long time ago liberals infiltrated the government and its tax system, and now I have to give money to be spent on all the crazy ideas liberals come up with or mean men will beat me up and throw me in jail. It’s horrible but true.
It all happened back in 1913 when people wore funny clothes and hats because they didn’t know any better. Some people were complaining that the rich weren’t paying their “fair share”(1) and thus proposed an amendment to the Constitution to allow income tax. Why the rich people back then didn’t use their wealth to have people with those viewpoints killed is unknown(2), but now we are stuck with the 16th Amendment which allowed the government easy access to our incomes. Soon followed all the programs like welfare, social security, Medicare, etc.; all things that a young, gainfully employed person like me has absolutely no use for.
But in liberals’ twisted sense of reality, this is charity, except that it’s forcefully taking money for others for worthless boondoggles thus making it nothing like charity. When I think of charity, I think of Jesus, and his modus operandi was not to help the poor by taking the money of others at gunpoint and then pistol-whipping them. Actually, I don’t think Jesus pistol-whipped anyone at all.(3) Still, liberals convince themselves that by stealing the hard earned money of others they are doing good, and there is method to their madness. What does control of people’s money equal in simpler terms?
If you raised your hand and said, “Power,” please be quiet while reading. But yes, control of other people’s money is one of liberals’ main paths to power. It will be a reoccurring theme throughout the discussion of liberal viewpoints that they believe that they are the only smart ones and that everyone who doesn’t agree with them is very, very dumb. Thus, in their simple mind processes, the more money they take from people as taxes and spend themselves, the more money that is spent wisely. They think that is a great policy, when, in fact, the more money taken from conservatives, the angrier we get. And making us angry is always a very bad idea.(4)
Now, the taking of the money is one thing, but what these liberals spend it on is just insult to injury. They try to make the federal government help people. Help people! As we common folk(5) know, the federal government is a massive lumbering entity mainly useful for making foreign people dead(6), but the idea of having the federal government help individuals makes as much sense as having Godzilla run a daycare center — it’s more likely to crush people than to help them. But, as the federal government runs amok, breathing fire on people and knocking over buildings, do liberals finally realize their programs don’t work? No! They always answer that the problem is that the programs just need more funding. Why? Because they’re insane — insane with power from your money.
NOTES
- No one yet as to exactly figure out what a “fair share” is by liberal “logic”. All that is known is what a fair share is not: it’s not whatever the rich are paying now.
- Some theories are that the rich were lazy back then or had too much opium in their diet.
- The Bible is sketchy on Jesus’ teenage years, though.
- I’ll get to the topic of guns later.
- “Common folk” is my shorthand for “people who are not pompous morons”.
- For more information on America’s skill at killing evil foreign people put into a Google search “America war –Vietnam”. Damn hippies.
You think you’ve got it bad! I live in Canada, where we spend our tax dollars on studies of beds, free flags for Quebec Separatists, and porn movies like “Bubbles Galore”.
Wait, maybe the government isn’t ALL bad…
Strange – my taxes are spent sending British troops to sandy places so that they can be shot in the back by mouth-breathers from Kentucky, tagged, bagged and flown home.
I once heard Dr Dean say that the Bible teaches that those with more money should help those with less. Knowing Dr Dean is a biblical expert, I cannot argue this. He then went on to say that only one political party has that philosophy. Maybe Dr Dean could learn a little about charity from Frank. Imagine how much he could have helped the poor with all that money he spent campaigning. …wait… I want him to be the Dem candidate…
Good use of resources Doctor!
You think Canada’s bad? The omnibus spending bill (read: “red tape snowball”) currently winding its way through congress contains $6.2 million to research the uses of wood, $2 million for a program in florida to “bring affordable access to golf for everyone, especially kids,” and $200,000 for potato storage in Wisconsin. Believe me, nobody wastes money quite like the U.S. congress.
P.S.- Also $725,000 for something called the “please touch museum” in Philadelphia. I don’t even want to know what that is.
Perhaps it would be possible for Americans to cover some of the cost of having the troops shot in Northern Ireland, they way they used to do in the days when they thought terrorism was a Good Thing.
(Northern Ireland is closer than Iraq.)
Frank,
Don’t forget that the basis for a liberal life is not about what is right or wrong, it is about what is “fair”. At least fair in their simplistic minds.
Oh, ok then I suppose we’d better help with the air fares now that your currency’s worth shit.
Joe, in this, as in all things, I bow to your superior firepower and go back to my day job. And Fender basses are fine. And cheap. And even Portugal had an Empire once – it’s really nice that it’s yout turn.
Joe, if you have (or start) a blog, you’ve got a reader. lol
Sorry Joe, I have to disagree. If Europe is going down it is more entertaining if they thrash around a bit.
As for liberals, the conversations I’ve had with them (where I insist that we write down what they say and then analyze it logically) usually boil down to absolute, three-year-old style selfishness. For example, they don’t want people to have guns because they are afraid that someone will shoot them. I told them to stop being stupid hippies and people wouldn’t want to shoot them but they don’t see that as a safe option.
“The taking of the money” — just sounds weird. How many chapters are you planning to have in this Frank?
Hey, please be nice to David! His comment on the previous post made me laugh out loud! (And all that electricity probably did something to his thinking, which may explain why he doesn’t think “friendly fire” is is all that friendly…hmm, I wonder if my parents let me stick forks in outlets when I was a kid, because I don’t think friendly fire is all that friendly either…)
On the other hand, David, Kentucky-born mouth-breathers have a tendency to shoot fellow Americans, too, so it’s not like the British are being singled out…
“So what did you do in your lunchbreak, Davy?”
“Oh, nothing much. Had a fight with this American kid. Got my arse kicked. Everybody laughed. Then this nice girl stuck up for me. Typical f***ing Wednesday,really.”
I think we out to invade Ireland next, since they are being run a terrorist regieme.
If Dean (and by extension, all Democrats) spent his campaign funds on the poor, Bush would be reelected and do at least enough damage to them to recoup his own campaign expenditures (gotta pay off them contributors) and so, in the long run, democratically kicking Bush out of office is a festival of poor-helping savings.
Ireland? Lousy weather. White folks. No oil. Forget it.
Mr. Ord: You are one funny guy. Really. I fell out of my chair on this thread and the last one. Do you have your own website/blog? P.S. Fort Campbell is in Kentucky, but we have mouth-breathers all over. P.P.S. Good job. When you insult the whole country, everybody gets mad; when you insult one state, the other 49 laugh.
I think I see the problem: David is suffering from “Empire Envy.”
You see, the British lost their empire over 50 years ago, so naturally they resent anyone else building another one.
“It just doesn’t seem fair, somehow.”
So, David, I say “sour grapes,” and “nyahh, nyahh, nyahh! We’ve got an empire, and you don’t!” Heh.
Will change my first name to “Fort” if it’ll make you cool guys be nice to me.
Ord, you seem to think of yourself as intellectually superior to the “stupid” Americans you’re debating with as shown by your ever so slick under-the-radar remarks yet your wasting your time debating them. How can you be intellectually superior when you are doing this? Seems like you’ve been had my friend.
GOD DAMN, I’M SO FREAKIN’ SMART!
I know you posted here and that’s why I add the two ! after my name. I added one before but then Frank called me Joel. JOEL! I ain’t no freakin’ Joel. Joel is a sissy name, like Steve.
I’m down with the Canada idea. That way we could create a REAL empire unlike the fake make believe one the EU’s say he have now. I wish we did though since we invaded Western Europe in 1944.
What’s that? You mean we invaded several countries to liberate them from tyranny and then spent billions to rebuild them and put in place democratic governments? GET OUT OF TOWN!
I just realized I spelled your instead of you’re. Maybe I’m not so freakin’ smart.
Actually, I think I am. I’m freakin’ smart.
I’m still confused; what’s wrong with breathing with your mouth?
ft.campbell is mostly in TN the post office is in kentucky
mouth breather? HA HA HA how less funny could you be? hehh hehh heehh hhhhhhhheehhhh hear that? I am BREATHING!! OOOohhhhhh hehhh hehhh
Why does everybody think we don’t know or care that people are dying and they need to tell us like we are puppies who peed on the rug? We know people are dying THEY ARE OUR PEOPLE!
Please try to keep things funny…Great job Frank! I’m almost ready to be become a regular…bartcop smells like caca
Although Jesus isn’t recorded to have pistol-whipped anyone, he did kick the living crap out of the bureaucrats (money-changers and other leeches) from the temple. Perhaps that might be be something to include in your observations.
Looks like this is going in a pretty good direction. I am anticipating a good read when its all done.
voltage post made me laugh out loud too…
I notice the thread was hijacked, so back to the original question, which was Frank seeking input on the chapter- my suggestions follow:
You need some pie charts, especially pecan pie, with vanilla ice cream. Yum!
Stupid liberals- you need more adjectives
“stupid, incompetent liberals”
“stupid, money-grubbing, power-mad liberals”
(bonus points for hyphenated adjectives)
Fort Ord: Sorry, that base is on the list for closing.
addendum:
The Liberal definition of “fair share”= ALL of it
When you insult the whole country, everybody gets mad; when you insult one state, the other 49 laugh.
I don’t think England is big enough to insult more than one state. I’m impressed he had the balls to take on Kentucky… they usually just steal Rhode Island’s lunch money.
Anyway, after all of this (which was not, actually, that much)what can I say that will please you? European angst over lost Empires? Nah, not really, I suspect we’re all a bit tired of all that anyway. You try to stop them from eating their grandmothers, and they kick you out.
I suppose all we want is that you (and that’s Americans) just go go about your business (and if that’s building an Empire, fair play to you)as quietly as possible, without whining about stuff that gets done to you in the process, and without claiming to be be doing it for our own good.
And if not, who will stop you? (Although I bet you won’t f*** with the Chinese…)
Love from your European chum.
I’m afraid the lady to whom you refer isn’t practising her art in this part of the world. But as long as you don’t send back Catherine Zeta Jones, let’s just call it a deal.
Be nice to Rhode Islands. The Griffins live there.
Plus you don’t want to make Israel think that England doesn’t like small areas of land…They’ll get angry.
At least be honest about it. The elephants spend as much or more than the donks. They just spend it on different things.
Is your bitch that they spend too much money, or that they don’t spend it on things you want it spent on?
Can I be honest with you? I missed the point about the elephants… Not your fault, obviously, just wanted to make that clear.
Thanks
Errrrmmm, that was me. The elephants thing. Sorry. Any clearer, are we. No, thought not. Never mind.
Shit, even boring myself now. Night all.
Referring to political parties – elephants are Republican, donkeys are Democrat (see Thomas Nast, 19th century cartoonist).
The Other Mike S is incapable of distinguishing between conservatives (classical liberals) and Republicans, so he constantly conflates the two.
OK while the rest are wastes of money, the please touch museum is cool – I take my 3 and 5 year old there all the time. I do have to wonder why we are subsidizing it though as it costs $15 to get in….
don’t believe the hippy propaganda — vietnam went ok!
Looks like a good start at analyzing the liberal mindset. Concise, well thought out, good points — wait, was this supposed to be humor?
“When I think of charity, I think of Jesus, and his modus operandi was not to help the poor by taking the money of others at gunpoint and then pistol-whipping them. Actually, I don’t think Jesus pistol-whipped anyone at all.(3)
3. The Bible is sketchy on Jesus’ teenage years, though.”
That was a WTM moment, Frank. Very very funny.
The Other Mike S is incapable of distinguishing between conservatives (classical liberals) and Republicans, so he constantly conflates the two.
Correct. Please name me one current conservative that is not a Republican.
Please name me one current conservative that is not a Republican.
Me.
f***in priceless – when the book is done i think i am gonna buy me a copy
Where can I get some of these government dollars for finding uses for wood? I use wood a lot. Morning wood is my favorite. Although wood discovered while slow-dancing is a yummy surprise. And then there’s reaching over in the movie theater to get some popcorn during the nookie and “accidently” missing the tub and getting to cop a feel of wood through denim.
Kiss me, you little minx. How you drive me crazy.
I’m sure Davy understands – and no place is too small for inter-regional or inter-ethnic mocking. If a country only had three inhabitants, One would look down on Two, Two would look down on Three and Three would tell Two jokes to One and One jokes to Two when one or the other wasn’t in earshot.
I am not, however, knowledgeable enough to comment on the UK’s cultural pecking order, but I’d guess that Londoners look down on everyone and everyone looks down on Liverpudlians.
I’ll take two lackeys please, hold the minions.
What kind of drink with the minions?
That should have been “What kind of drink with the LACKEYS?” Right?
why, a black and tan of course.
On a serious note (just a small one, I promise):
When Congress was debating the 16th amendment many promises were made to the states that the income tax would never exceed a certain percentage; the number that comes to mind is 10%, though that may be a little off.
Anyway, the amendment would never have been ratified without this promise, but Congress was devious and far-thinking enough to know that a promise that wasn’t written into the amendment would be forgotten in a generation or so.
And so it was.
On top of that, has anybody looked seriously into the 17th amendment? Right after the federal government got the power to tax with the promise to the states that it wouldn’t abuse it…they wiggle through an amendment that absolves them of all accountability to the states! Talk about bootstrapping, and into a very, very corruptible and powerful position in the case of the feds.
-Mo
The Other Mike S, me.
Got a woodrow reading shell’s plea for federal funds…
Arnold, Aelfheld:
My bad, I should have asked for a conservative that is in the public eye.
That being said, I’m curious as to what your party affiliations might be. Also, have you ever voted for a Democrat? If so, who might that have been?
I’m a Libertarian – fiscally conservative, socially moderate – and I bristle when called a conservative, or a moderate, or a liberal, or a hippie (depending upon where I stand in relation to the person I’m speaking with.)
Sorry, that previous post was from me….
I think you would find that a number of prominent conservatives aren’t members of the Republican party. I can’t speak for the affiliation of any prominent conservatives as it isn’t something I’ve bothered researching. Don’t make the mistake of confusing supporting or voting for Republican candidates with being Republican.
I’m not affiliated with any party. I was a dues-paying member of the Republican party until George H. W. Bush decided to hold the party in a ‘big tent’ – this was before he lost his lips. And yes, I have voted for Democratic candidates in local, state, and national elections (for the House of Representatives).
As far as political orientation, I’m a conservative of Silurian vintage. I believe that liberty without order is license, and freedom without responsibility is savagery. ‘Whatever floats your boat’ is not a principle that encourages civilisation.
I SWEAR I didn’t mean to start this Frank!