I thought the entries for the caption contest were a little weak this go around. I guess cats at gunpoint or holding guns bring out the creative juices better. I liked my own entry pretty well; I can’t believe no one else thought of the South Park episode where Cartman introduced the concept of “RoShamBo”. Still, simplicity won the day, the one that produced the biggest chuckle being an old one from the schoolyard:
Welcome to Bangkok
Congratulation to Neo. I don’t have any prize idea for him, but everyone congratulate him the comments section.
NOW!
I’ve gotten a lot of e-mails about the military, and they’re mainly jokes bashing different branches. That’s cool, though, and I think I might want to do a regular feature of it as I love learning more about military culture and I’m sure a lot of others do. I’ll put up more tomorrow, and keep e-mailing me more jokes or your descriptions of a military branch (and make the subject “Military” to help me organize). And, I haven’t gotten to many jokes at the expense of the Marines so far (and I know there is a ton). Remember, even though a military joke may have been old back when George Washington said it, it’s probably new to us civilians.
Finally, I’ll have an update over the weekend on the IMAO T-Shirt Babe Contest. I’m leaning back towards not needing an IMAO t-shirt to qualify (but wear something; this is a family site).
Archive of entries posted on March 2004
The Limey – Episode VII: Lime Another Day
STARRING
Tony Pentin as The Limey
Frank J. as American Frank
Created by Stupiud Bastrad Productions
Broadcast by the BBC
Logo by Tom Bux of The Nap Room
Previous Episodes:
Episode I: The Limey
Episode II: Return of The Limey
Episode III: The Red Letter
Episode IV: Jokes and Murder
Episode V: The Lime Turns Sour
Episode VI: Bloody Fascism
In order to meet broadcast standards and make this appropriate for The Children™, all profanity has been dubbed over. As always, swears as a noun have been replaced with “ronin”, as has the word “redneck.” F’ing, when an adjective, has been replaced with “dishonorable”. When it’s an adverb, it has been replaced with “crazy-cool”. F’d up has been replaced with “wacky-smacky”. The f-word as a verb has been replaced with “I challenge”. The s-word has been replaced with “diddly-doo”. Also, Rage Against the Machine lyrics have been edited to make them less ragey.
It’s been weeks since The Limey tried to crack the ignorant, redneck, American Frank, and he spent that time in thoughtful silence, contemplating exactly how to attack his nemesis as he ate his crumpets and drank his tea. Finally, he decided the time was right, and went to his keyboard to give his venom substance:
Well ronin it’s been over two weeks since I last emailed you to challenge the cancer that is capitalism. I bet you thought I wasn’t going to reply didn’t you, ronin! Yeah, well here I am you ronin I’m good at surprising people. It’s not difficult to surprise a right-wing lunatic like you – you’re so stupid! Do you think I’m going to fall for those emails you’ve been sending me about Swiss bank accounts? I’m too moral to fall for that, ronin. You wanted to see if I’m a hypocrite didn’t you. Well I’m not!
You keep referring to me as a friend, I realise that’s your sarcastic side coming out, but stop it. I’m amazed that ronin’s can be sarcastic. They say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit but the highest form of intelligence. I guess somebody’s telling you how to be sarcastic because you couldn’t possibly come up with that sarcasm on your own!
Where did you get this ludicrous impression that I don’t like Die Hard? I have Die Hard on video. I like it – even though it’s very stereotyped. Still, at least some conservative Americans get killed in that film.
XTREME ONE, Carl, Johnny Depp and the Spanish Militant are part of the Democratic left-of-centre coalition that I’ve formed. If you’re a democratic left-winger – you’re in. Environmentalists, feminists, socialists (of course!) and liberals are all in. I have a great deal of respect for anarchists because they are people who want to install democracy by ruthlessly crushing capitalism through dictatorial policies against the Right, so I am always open to including anarchists in the democratic left-wing coalition, ronin. You could never be a part of the left-of-centre coalition, ronin! You’re a ronin! You’re stupid! You’re dangerously right-wing! You don’t even know that the capital of Wales is Cardiff! In fact you don’t even know where Wales is! Just for the record, it’s a neighbouring country of England! The left-of-centre coalition will arrest the ronin George W. Bush and the evil Prime Minister Tony Blair and send them to Holland to stand trial for c! rimes against humanity during the 2001 Afghanistan War and that monstrous war in Iraq last year! And we’ll arrest you for racial hatred!
Once again Fascist McFascist doesn’t exist! If he does exist then maybe he could be one of the following…
Your evil President. George “redneck backwoodsman hick” W. Bush.
The man responsible for the loss of three million jobs in three years! The man who has killed fifty thousand people in Iraq! The man who tells regimes not to have weapons of mass destruction when his country uses them repeatedly! He is a fascist and a complete hypocrite! (Even though this has been well-documented many, many times, I thank Michael Moore for re-enforcing it in “Stupid White Men” and thank Rage Against the Machine’s two super songs “Sleep Now In The Fire” and “Guerrilla Radio” for exposing the evils of capitalism)
Ariel Sharon.
Tony Blair (Don’t get me started on this piece of diddly-doo!)
Silvio Burlusconi (Italy’s PM who backed last year’s war)
John Howard (ronin Australian conservative Prime Minister. Also backed last year’s war)
A right-wing Colombian politician (America supplies right-wing Colombians with lots of money)
or…
Fascist McFascist could be you!!!
A dishonorable ronin!
It would explain a lot!
As for a definition on “fascism”. Fascism is the suspension/removal/crushing of the individuals rights in relations with the state. It was founded by Benito Mussolini in Italy in 1919. Fascist regimes have been responsible for the deaths of millions of people over the years. The regimes in Germany from 1933-1945, the Italian regime from the 1920’s-1940s under Mussolini, the Franco regime from the 1930’s to the 1970’s, the Nixon regime in America, the Reagan regime, the Clinton regime and the Bush regimes are some of the worst fascist regimes in history. Fascist regimes target minorities, huge majorities and always the working class. The Hitler regime in particular targeted communists, socialists, Jews, travellers, gypsies, black people and gay people – and so has George W. Bush!
This man has further crushed freedom in America just like many of the Presidents before him. Rage Against the Machine said it the best on the song “Know Your Enemy” from their debut album in 1992. And yes I know George W. Bush wasn’t in power in 1992 – his old man was – but it’s still extremely relevant today, ronin!
RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE “Know Your Enemy” lyrics
What? The land of the free?
Whoever told you that is real happy.
Something must be done
About Democrats, a badger and a nun
‘Cause I’ll rip the mike, rip the stage, rip the system
And then I’ll have to get mommy to fix ’em
www.lyricscafe.com/r/rage_against.htm
I recommend you see a doctor. I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again. You CAN get help for your mental illness! You’re crazy-cool disturbed! Wacky-smacky! Pass the word on to the other right-wing nutters you hang around with!
I CHALLENGE YOU RONIN!
American Frank carefully reads the long e-mail, constantly losing attention and staring at shiny things. Finally, he slowly pecks out a response. Has the limey finally broken the ignorant backwoodsman into full rage? Only his response will answer that question:
Limey! Man, I missed you! I’m so surprised! I had just finished the knot on my noose, and then here comes the limey to brighten my day!
Sorry about trying to trick you with those Swiss bank accounts [Ed. Note: I have no frig’n clue what he’s talking about], but that was just to get back at you for showing up at my doorstep in a gorilla costume. I was so scared!
BTW, did you try any of my delimification suggestions? It doesn’t sound like you did, but some people just have to be limey I suppose. I guess God just made you that way, limey.
“Let there be Limey!”
I don’t mean to sound sarcastic; I just have this disorder that makes it sound like I’m sarcastic… really! You’re my bestest limey friend… the bestest ever! I love all the things I learn from you, and I hope you learn lots from my redneck ways. This is like a super cultural exchange – like when the Spaniards slaughtered the Aztecs!
I’m glad to hear you like Die Hard, limey; that movie kicked ass! Yippee kiyay Mother… shut your mouth! Heh heh. You should know, though, limey, that no conservative Americans actually died, because it was movie. Movies are make-believe just like your friends XTREME ONE, Carl, Johnny Depp, and the Spanish Militant.
It’s neat though how you have your army of one to fight for your left wing causes, limey. Do you do most of your fighting through e-mails, or do you sometimes hand out leaflets? You should be careful of those anarchists, though. They’ll turn against democracy because they’re… well… anarchists. And I know where Wales are, you silly limey; they’re in the ocean with the dolphins.
You’re going to arrest me for racial hatred? You’re so silly, limey. If you want to play cops and robbers, I’ll bring the guns, though. “Bang bang! You’ll never take me alive coppers! I’ll hate races and there’s nothing you can do!” That will be fun.
Stop saying Fascist McFascist doesn’t exist, because that is not true, limey. He had an uneventful childhood in Fascistan, then worked at an auto parts store in early adulthood, and finally became the cold hearted dictator of Fascistan through force. He also then produced Rage Against the Machine to sell music to gullible limeys.
That’s an interesting list of fascists you got there, limey. Out of curiosity, is there anyone who isn’t a fascist? I met this guy once who helped jump start my car; I think he might not have been a fascist. I think all cats are, though.
Hitler didn’t like travelers? Wow! I learn such interesting things from you, limey! So, how much traveling did you have to do to have Hitler put you in a concentration camp? Like, I usually visit my family in Idaho twice a year; does that make me a traveler.
And it’s interesting you think Bush is against the Jews; most ranters here say the Jews are controlling his agenda and making him help Israel (it was funny when that man in the wheelchair caught a missile; that’s one more handicapped parking spot freed up). You have such unique rants, limey. You’re right about the anti-gypsy Bush agenda, though. There passing laws against gypsies every other day, and almost everyone is blaming everything here on the gypsies. It’s crazy!
Wow! Those Rage Against the What-not lyrics really spoke to me, limey. I feel like a new man, now. But you should see some of the lyrics to this song, though, that speak about how capitalism crushes all else:
They call him Flipper, Flipper, faster than lightning,
No one you see, is smarter than he,
And we know Flipper, lives in a world full of wonder,
Flying there under, under the sea!
Everyone loves the king of the sea,
Ever so kind and gentle is he,
Tricks he will do when children appear,
And how they laugh when he’s near!
They call him Flipper, Flipper, faster than lightning,
No-one you see, is smarter than he,
And we know Flipper, lives in a world full of wonder,
Flying there-under, under the sea!
http://home.att.net/~tvthemelyrics/flipper.htm
Think about it, man. Really reflect on it.
Well, don’t take so long to respond again; you’re the bestest limey around and turn my frowns upside-down.
Cordially,
American Frank
P.S. Have you tried taking the pills the doctor gives you along with food? That might help stop the constipation that makes you so crotchety.
Wanker.
Will The Limey continue undaunted, or will American Frank’s carefully chosen music lyrics show him the light. Will American Frank finally break down and become a Rage Against the Machine fan? Find out in the next episode of…
THE LIMEY!
Brainteaser
I’m the answer to part of Derbyshire’s brainteaser today (sort of, I’ll be x for part of x^2 and then turn x+1 in June of x^2). What year was I born? (ahh, anyone paying attention already knows that)
Can anyone find a positive to the third part of his brainteaser? I couldn’t on a quick scan through.
BTW, I also like his engineer joke today. There’s been a debate in The Corner on whether engineers are generally liberal, and I sent an e-mail to Jonah Goldbeg telling him that not only am I an engineer and a conservative, I’m going to steal his job.
In My World: Campaign Preparations
On a sunny morning, hundreds of people surrounded Karl Rove’s house. “Karl Rove doesn’t have a soul!” they started to chant, but then the sky darkened.
“That’s not a rain cloud,” one of the protestors slowly observed, “It’s… LOCUSTS!”
The protestors screamed in terror as the bugs swarmed them.
“Ahh! Boils!” yelled another.
The front door to Rove’s abode swung open. At the entryway stood the cloaked figure of Karl Rove.
“Are you coming out to listen to us?” asked one of the protestors hopefully as he ducked the insects.
“Die!” Rove shouted as he shot lightning from his fingertips.
“How was you morning, Rover?” Bush asked as Karl Rove sat down at the meeting table.
“Our concern is the campaign,” Rove answered.
“Right-o,” Bush answered, “I’m making sure we have things together to fight that stupid John Kerry. You should see his new commercial.”
Bush turned on the T.V., and on screen was John Kerry. “Hi, I’m Senator Kerry,” he said in a very haughty, French-like way, “and I’m a man of the people. Isn’t that true, Jeeves?”
“Whatever you say, sir,” Kerry’s butler answered.
“Some may not like how I keep mentioning how I was active in the unpopular war in Vietnam, but I would like you to know that I served in Vietnam… before I served against it.”
A picture of Kerry the Vietnam protestor appeared on screen.
“That’s just how nuanced I am, and nuance is a good thing. If you’re smart, you’d know that.”
The end graphic then appeared saying, “John Kerry 2004: His positions on issues are whatever you think they are.”
“I just got a great new ad out today, though, in response,” Bush said as he hit a button on the remote.
On screen was Governor Schwarzenegger seated at a desk. “I am Arnold!” he screamed. “John Kerry is puny! Bush will crush him! You will vote for Bush or you are puny! I will crush you!” He then knocked over his desk. “I am Arnold!”
The end graphic then appeared saying, “George W. Bush 2004: I am Arnold!”
“I liked his enthusiasm,” Dick Cheney remarked, “but we might want to rethink that a little.”
“What about my ad idea?” Rumsfeld asked.
“The one where you threaten that after the election you’ll bomb any state that hadn’t given its electoral votes to Bush?” Condoleezza Rice asked.
“I don’t think that’s such a good idea,” Rove uttered.
“We could bomb Massachusetts now to show we’re serious,” Rumsfeld suggested.
“That’s not really the issue, Rummy,” Bush told him softly, “See, you come off as a little harsh.”
“Who thinks that?” Rumsfeld demanded, “I’ll kill them!”
“See, that the problem,” Bush continued, “You need to tone the violence down… and no more strangling.”
“Hey, sometimes I squeeze my hands together,” Rumsfeld said defensively, “If someone happens to put his neck between them at the time, that’s his problem.”
“We really need to make you appear kindler and gentler,” Bush asserted, “I know I just joked about it at the Radio and Television Correspondents Association Dinner, but would you consider appearing on an episode of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy?”
The Secret Service was able to grab Rumsfeld just in time before he completely leaped across the table and got his hands around Bush’s neck. After he was dragged out, the meeting continued. “It is important for everyone to be on their best behavior,” Rove intoned, “That especially goes for John Ashcroft.”
“Yeah, whatcha been up ta, Ash?” Bush asked.
“Well, golly gosh, let me think,” Ashcroft said, “Today we found two suspicious looking people – yep, quite suspicious they were – and then we declared them enemy combatants and threw them down a dark hole, we did. Then we forgot where that hole was, by golly.”
“Be careful with stuff like that,” Bush said, “We don’t want people saying we’re abusing civil rights before the election. And make sure you keep the ATF under control.”
“Jeepers, I’ve been doing my best on that,” Ashcroft responded, “I even have the head of the ATF, Psycho Stan, here to tell us how relaxed he’s been.”
“I ain’t killed no one in three hours,” Psycho Stan said, “I don’t like this. I liked that other Attorney General, Reno, better; now there was a man who let us kill and burn stuff.”
“No excessive violence,” Bush commanded.
Psycho Stan growled and then stood up. “I need to get going.”
“Not to kill people and burn down buildings, right?” Bush asked.
“Always asking me questions,” Psycho Stan grumbled as he walked out of the room while chambering a round in his handgun.
“So what’s next?” Bush mused aloud.
“There is the impending testimony of the one known as Condoleezza,” Rove answered.
“Yeah, Condi, you have to do a good job with your testimony before the 9/11 commission,” Bush told her, “They didn’t appreciate your videotaped testimony.”
“Why?” Condi asked innocently.
“Yeah, that pretty much confirms it; it’s just five minutes of her giving us the finger.”
“They said it was ‘disrespectful’,” Bush answered, “and we’ll need you to do some commercials for the campaign because it will really help to have a minority woman in some.”
“Uh, hello,” Elaine Chao interrupted.
“What?” Bush asked.
“I’m also a minority woman.”
Bush laughed and rolled his eyes. “Asian isn’t a minority.” He then whispered to Laura was seated next to him, “Who is she?”
“She’s your Secretary of Labor, dear.”
“Oh, I thought she was my dry cleaner,” Bush chuckled.
“I heard that, you racist bastard!” Chao shouted.
Bush put his hands in front of his face protectively. “It was an honest mistake! Don’t use your ninjitsu on me!”
“Argh!” Chao shouted before storming out of the room.
“Is it possible we can have Bush not talk anymore before the election?” Cheney asked Rove.
“Unfortunately, there are the debates,” Rove answered.
“And, if the questions are too hard, I can’t just fake a heart attack like you,” Bush said derisively to Cheney.
“I don’t need to fake one,” Cheney answered indignantly.
“Let’s see,” Bush mused aloud, “Who else could do commercials.”
“Could I do one?” Scott McClellan asked.
“If you’re good, I’ll let you get coffee for the stagehands,” Bush answered. He then looked to Colin Powell. “Some of the left like you because you’re a wuss. Maybe you could do some commercials, but Condi will hurt you if you step too far out of line.”
“It’s not that I step out of line,” Powell said, “so much as I add multiple facets to… AHHH!”
Condi twisted Powell’s arm behind his back. “Yeah, she’ll hurt you like that,” Bush said.
“What we need our more commercials with your wife,” Rove stated, “It appeals to families and the weak hearted.”
“I’m going to have to ask for a raise then,” Laura said.
“But honey!” Bush whined.
“I’ve seen your war chest,” Laura answered, “You can afford it.” She then turned to Rove. “And, I don’t know who writes these things, but can you give my husband easier words to say than ‘ entrepreneurial’?”
“You’re embarrassing me,” Bush squealed.
“I’m just looking out for your interests, dear.”
Powell made a whipping sound.
“Ahh… even Colin is making fun of me,” Bush groaned.
“I think we have a good start for the campaign for your reelection,” Rove stated, “The elders will be pleased.”
“And, if things aren’t working out,” Bush said, “There is always the All-Purpose Plan B.”
“No rap music video!” Cheney shouted, and then grumbled to himself, “Idiot.”
Testing New Logo…
1… 2… 3…
Now that I’ve done it, it seems so obvious. Why didn’t one of you suggest this before?
Originally, as my logo, I wanted a dolphin leaping out of water and getting struck by lightning, but I couldn’t make the image work.
Anyhoo, I have such great posts lined up for tomorrow that I wish I were you guys so I could read them and be surprised at their comic genius. Great to get them done too, because now I can watch my 24 in peace…
I Do Not Find You Funny, Eh
From a Canadian (who helpfully censored himself):
Fu*k You!!!! Canada is by far the better country. You must be jealous you are not from God’s country. LOSER!
My response:
Please stop using America’s internet. We have lots of important business to do here, and Canadians simply are using up this important resource. Please spend more attention to the meese that are rampaging through your town.
Thank you,
Frank J.
Anyway, The Limey will be on tomorrow afternoon with an In My World™ in the morning. See ya then.
Whitler Writes
Whitler has the next chapter up of his current essay. I haven’t had a chance to read it yet, and, as always, if I find it’s no good after I do read it, I’ll just remove the link.
The Air Force by Wacky Hermit
Here’s a description I got of the Air Force from Wacky Hermit of Organic Baby Farm:
A few facts you should be aware of, should you decide to write an Air Force character into the In My World series:
The Air Force, known derisively as the Chair Force, is the branch of service best known for harboring smart people who really don’t want to get involved in combat. The minimum ASVAB score for enlisting in the Air Force is the highest of all the services. Except for the small percentage that are fighter pilots, Airmen don’t generally go directly into combat situations; instead they provide technical support such as radio communications, repair services, and logistical support. It is also relatively difficult to make rank in the Air Force, compared to other services, but it is easy to get medals. My husband spent eight years in the Air Force and had more medals than stripes. Many Airmen from one unit my hubby was in had a lot of free time when not being deployed, and many got hooked on porn. Thus your stereotypical enlisted Airman is not just a smartass, he’s a low-ranking smartass who’s just smart enough to resent the bureaucracy that’s keeping him down. Of stereotypical servicemen from all the branches, the Airman is the most likely to complain about the food and the boots and the mind-boggling stupidity of his fellow stereotypical servicemen. As for the small percentage who are fighter pilots, they have a reputation for being cocky beyond all reason, and thinking they are God’s gift to the world. Plus they are all officers, which means they go to college.
Because the Air Force originated as a branch of the Army (the Army Air Corps) and only became a separate branch after WWII, their strongest rivalry is with the Army. There is an old Air Force joke that goes as follows: an Army guy and an Air Force guy walk into a bathroom and use the urinals. After finishing, the Army guy goes to the sink to wash, while the Air Force guy starts to walk out the door. The Army guy indignantly calls after the Air Force guy, “You know, in the Army they teach us to wash our hands after we use the bathroom!” The Air Force guy says disdainfully, “In the Air Force, they teach us not to pee on our hands!”
True story from the Air Force: my husband spent some time in a unit that worked directly with Army guys. He reports that the Army guys had training manuals that were comic books. One illustration he described showed a bikini-clad woman pointing to a tank and saying, “This is a tank!”
Sounds like the Army need to respond to this one.
By the way, my grandfather on my mother’s side served in the Army Air Corps during World War II in a B-17 bomber and then later served in the Air Force when it came about (he was career military).
We civilians would certainly love more descriptions of branches of the military form the horse’s mouth, so keep e-mailing them to me. I’ll print the best ones.
You Seem Perturbed…
This picture from AP is just calling for a caption contest:
Seems symbolic of the Democrats and Bush when the Democrat primary was heated with Bush bashing but Bush didn’t respond.
BTW, I once went to a martial arts seminar where I learned to focus my chi to take blows like that. I was able to take a full punch to the stomach and throat just fine, but I wasn’t very good at taking the groin kick. That is not a fun thing to practice when you aren’t doing it well (bounce on your heels… bounce on your heels…)
Anyhoo, caption away in the comments section. Winner gets to gloat how he or she is the winner… and maybe something else if I’m feeling generous.
Fan Club Update
Jennifer has buttons for my fan club. I like the one with the gun…
Anyway, I think a button depicting a 1911 handgun and a katana would better represent me. As soon as I have good buttons, I’ll put up prominent links to my two fan clubs.
There is now a sign up sheet at Frank J. Fan Club number one! Sign up now to show your support!
Someone mentioned before that we should have secret decoder rings. I have an even better idea: the only provably secure encryption – one time pad. To people who sign up, I’ll send you your pads and then put up a secret message for Frank J. fans once or so a week telling you which pad to use to decrypt it. Any compromise in security will be dealt with harshly and then new pads will be issued.
Finally, I still need to come up with a great topic to write a column to unseat Goldberg – one topical but not too topical – so you fans should work on that. When I break my way into legitimate political punditry and become rich and famous, there will be a party for all Frank J. fan club charter members on my yacht. BYOB.
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Bush is Moving on Up, Ketchup Boycott, British Terror, You Got Me, New (Well, Old) Logo, and Electrocuted Monkeys
- Bush Go Up: Yay! Bush is gaining in the polls since people have started to learn that John Kerry sucks. This was inevitable as more people would hear Kerry talk. His haughty frenchness causes people to retch and vote Republican.
The CW is that this is going to be a close election, but I want a blow out. Then I’m going to Democratic Underground and imagine everyone’s heads exploding. - Ketchup on Our Hands: A reader Adam suggest boycotting Heinz to fight the John Kerry machine. That’s a tough call. Heinz is the ketchup, and I went to college in Pittsburgh where Heinz is one of the last industries there since the steel left. Still, each time we put that blood-like condiment on our burgers, we could be putting money into the hands of Kerry’s wife which might then be taken by John Kerry himself. Is moving to catsup the only option to stop John Kerry and his evil plans of evil? And what about French’s mustard? Will that be taken as implicit support of Kerry?
Politics is hard. I’m going to stick to eating jellybeans to show my support of Reagan.
UPDATE: The Heinz company denies involvement with John Kerry. - Explosions… Again: James Bond foiled a terrorist plot and found tons of explosives in the UK. Stupid terrorists; don’t they have any terror ideas that don’t involve explosions? Like, they could secretly put potholes in our roads at night.
“You will continue to see potholes infidels, unless you surrender to Islam and throw all your Jews into the sea… except for that Seinfeld guy; he makes us laugh.” - Testify!: Senators are still demanding for Condoleezza Rice to openly testify for the 9/11 hearings. I bet this is all strategery on her part to hype her testimony for when she finally gives in. Then her testimony will be so testacular that it will blow everyone away. And Richard Clarke will commit seppuku in disgrace while everyone turns against the Clinton administration and lynches them all.
Or, at least, that’s my political prediction. Everyone has their own.
UPDATE: My prediciton is coming true so far… - You Got Me I: A lot of you e-mailed me about Clinton’s ninja plan for terrorism, and, okay, you got me. I was a foreign policy advisor for the Clinton administration. You happy now? None of my ideas were ever used though, not even the preemptive strike against monkeys.
- The Loser Club: At Jonah “Lame-o” Goldberg’s Fan Club, Eric is taunting me because he thinks he can win Derbyshire’s support with a silly t-shirt. Bah! I’m now linked at Derbyshire’s homepage. Not even Jonah can say that. He’s going down!
- Logo Idea: For my fans (the smarter, cooler, more attractive fans) to discuss, I was thinking of making this the logo of IMAO:
What do y’all think? - You Got Me II: Fine. You got me again. I have a secret lab in Japan. And no, I won’t tell you what goes on there.
- Bushido: A man in the U.K. was sentenced to prison for stabbing an armed attacker to death with a samurai sword (what the story leaves out is that the guy with the sword is a drug dealer and stabbed the man in the back). Sometimes I almost wish guns were banned just so I would have to rely on a katana as defense. Right now, it just ain’t practical for me when I have the shotgun and handguns in easy reach. Such is modern life.
- Monkey News I: The Commie Chinese not only have a monkey king, but he is going to sully the national pastime of baseball. War!
- Monkey News II: Solution to monkey problem: don’t insulate your electrical wires. Then, as they jump from tree to tree, God will take care of them. God’s cool.
- Victory Is Mine!: Instapundit now correctly links to IMAO again. That reminds me: I haven’t been doing much with The Alliance as of late. I still plan on turning them into a giant media conglomerate to rival all others, but I’ll need to delegate more.
- More Coming: Big posting tomorrow as I’ll have a new In My World™ plus the new The Limey letter and response (as long as I get it all done before the return of 24 tonight). Also, I’ll have a few more posts today when I have time. Later, mo’fo’s.
Lunchtime Notes
The next episode of The Limey will be delayed until Wednesday at the latest because it’s a long e-mail worth of a long response. It will be worth the wait, I promise.
I got a great description of the Air Force from someone in the know, and I was about to print it but realized I didn’t correctly copy it all from the e-mail which I’ll have to correct when I get home. I’d love some descriptions of the other branches of the military from people with experience (and no gratuitous branch bashing – not that anyone would ever think of doing that). I’ll put up the description of the Air Force tomorrow so you know what I’m looking for.
I have a new advertiser selling cards with 52 reasons why Bush should be reelected. As a Frank J. fan, you must check them out.
I also received a True Patriot award from PatriotBlog.com. I like awards. Someone should give me a “Better than Jonah Goldberg Award”.
Speaking of that, my fan clubs should come up with a way for people to sign up as fans of Frank J. (and then pad the number of sign ups so it’s a big number). I’ll soon have marching orders for my fans. These will be the best fan clubs ever!
…and the ones most advantageous to me! Muh ha ha ha!
Frank Solutions for Terrorism
It’s easy to point out the problems of terrorism, but it’s harder to offer real solutions. But I, Frank J., being so smart and not particularly engaged by the Sunday T.V. lineup, have decided to finally solve terrorism once and for all. With these innovative ideas, we can live in a terrorist free world and eat our Chunky Monkey ice cream in peace.
* The Easy One: Kill them. Dead terrorists don’t commit terror… at least not in this world. Maybe they sometime sneak out of hell and plant bombs in Heaven; I don’t know, and frankly that’s not my problem. I just hope they have a good angel of Heavenland Security.
* Education: If terrorists are educated that the West is neato keen, they won’t want to kill us. How to get them to listen, you ask?
Shut up! No talking during my posts!
Anyway, people always listen if you point a gun at them. So educate evil terroristy people at gunpoint. You can use the laser sight of the gun as a laser pointer. Just don’t wave your gun around too much, because it’s distracting.
Some terrorists, such as the leaders, may be too educated. Force-feed them paint chips.
* Do the Reading: Apparently many terrorists are Islamic, and they support their killing with passages in the Koran. Anyone check that out and see what that says? Might be useful.
* Vigilantism: There are terrorists hiding in America, so let’s encourage Americans to find them. All Americans should be empowered to beat up whoever seems terroristy to them. This may lead to some unjust beatings, but, as long as it’s not me, I don’t care.
* Biased Media: One of the reasons so many people hate America and Jews in the Middle East is because the evil dictators rule the media. We can secretly take over the media and tell them that America is rich and powerful because it’s just so much better than their country and that Jews are great people whom they should hug.
Problem is, we need the leaders to think their evil media is still being broadcast. That way, they’ll be all surprised when their people lynch them. And then, we should get pictures of them being surprised because people looking surprised is funny.
* Good ‘Ole Blasphemy: What’s happens in that Mecca place? They won’t let in non-Muslims, so I don’t know. There’s this covered thing at the center which they say is some structure, but I suspect it to be concealing nuclear weapons. We need to invade Mecca and check it out.
Some may say this will anger more Muslims against us, but hey, women driving angers Muslims in Saudi Arabia. If we’re going to anger them anyway, we might as well go the full monty.
* The Big Man: Many terrorists say they take orders from this one called “Allah”. We need to hunt him down and stop him, thus taking out who gives the Islamic extremist terrorist their marching orders and leaving them extremely disorganized. Some say Allah’s location is in Paradise surrounded by dark-eyed virgins, while others place him somewhere in the mountains that border Pakistan.
* Bomb France: Let’s show we are so resolved against terrorism that we will not only treat those who comfort terrorists like terrorists themselves, but will also treat those who appease terrorists like terrorists themselves. Plus, I don’t like France. Also, terrorist say they want to attack France over the headscarf ban, so maybe we’ll steal their thunder, and then they’ll just mope. It’s easy to take out mopers.
* Jesus is the Answer: Christians never hurt anyone, so let’s try and convert everyone to Christianity. We should make a giant statue of Jesus in the middle of Saudi Arabia that has the a loud speaker at it’s mouth that keeps blaring, “The power of Christ compels you to not commit terror! The power of Christ compels you to not commit terror!”
That would be so cool! And the terrorists will be like:
“How is that statue talking?”
“Probably by some speakers hidden inside.”
“Or maybe it’s the Holy Spirit!”
“I’m scared, Mohammad! Hold me!”
“Only if you hold me, Omar!”
Sunday Announcements
Guess which limey wrote me back? That’s right: The Limey. I’ll put up his letter (it’s a long one) and a response soon.
Also, another fan club seems to have emerged. So, what do I do now as someone with fan clubs? How many bones do I have to throw you guys? You need to tell me what to do, but it shouldn’t be too much because I’m lazy.
Finally, it was brought to my attention that I give too much attention to the Marines at the expense of other military branches. The reason for that is that my brother is a Marine (giving me someone to ask questions to), and I don’t know much about military culture as a whole. Still, if people have ideas for other characters in the other branches of the military, put them in the comments section. Maybe I can do an In My World™ about all the branches and then people will read it and be like, “Awwww… look at all those people working together to kill for’ners.”
More on Frank J. Fan Clubs
There are now two competing fan clubs (one two), and I think we should have a system so people can sign up (and then pad those signing up with dead people from Chicago). Then, I’ll send a taunting letter to Jonah about how I have a much better fans. Next, I’ll complete my column, and you can all help lobby NRO to print it. Then, we can have fan club party! Hooray!
Oh, and I just want to again remind my readers that I love each and every one of you. Have a great weekend, y’all.