Archive of entries posted on 19th March 2004

Mushrooms Yes? No!!!

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I had made a scientific discovery some time ago, and I thought I might as well share it with the world. Back in college, I had one of those long and boring homeworks I was doing with a friend, so of course we kept stalling. He mentioned that the song “Stairway to Heaven” has a part which talks about Satan if you play it backwards. So I checked it out, and it does sound like Satan is mentioned. I eventually isolated what words sounded like Satan backwards, and it is “Yes” (it helps if there is a sort of ‘n’ sound before it, which can happen when singing). That explained to me why so many people seem to think they hear stuff about Satan when songs are played backwards.
So, that got me thinking, what lyrics would you need to have a song, when played backwards, tells people to worship Satan. The only problem was that all I could find that sounded like “worship” when played backwards was “mushrooms”. I did find an extremely innocuous phrase that is truly evil, though.
“Life is good.” backwards is “Go to hell.”
If you don’t believe, just use the basic Microsoft sound recorder and check it out. I still haven’t found a good song to trick people into worshiping Satan, but, if you ever hear the lyrics, “Yes, mushrooms, and life is good,” be wary.
Forwards.
Backwards.

Frank Answers: Female Bombers, Fascist McFascist Endorsement, Jews and Their Hot Dogs, the Military and Kerry, American Woman, Quarks, and Relativity (I Know This One!)

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Sal from Chicago, IL writes:
The new terrorist bombers from the paleswinians are female. Prior to this, they kept their females for breeding purposes and only offed them for “honor” killings. They breed at a rate of X per year and used to kill themselves off at a rate of Y per year, but now, with female bombers, their breeding rate should be slower. How soon before they’re gone?
First of all, they’re “Palestinians”. There is no reason to use name calling against sub-human murderers. Secondly, the last female bomber abandoned two children when she blew herself up, thus there was no net loss. They’re wilier than you think.
Phelps, from the state of Denial, asks:
Given that John Kerry won’t say who the world leaders are who have endorsed him, what are the chances that he has secured the Fascist McFascist endoresment and doesn’t want anyone to know so that the Limey doesn’t find out and try to assassinate him by shouting Rage Against the Machine lyrics at him until Kerry cuts his own head off to escape the singing, and how are you coping with the knowledge that I totally kicked your ass in the “Win Frank’s Funny” contest even though I wasn’t an official participant? Does beer help?
As for your first question, I don’t want to answer that. Saying Kerry secured the Fascist McFascist vote sounds too much like a polemic… even if it’s true. Maybe I’ll speak up if I see him eating apricots.
As for your second question, you weren’t a participant, so you didn’t even get a chance to lose. In any fair fight, I would have beaten you and anyone else. That’s what defines “fair”.
Laurence Simon from Houston, TX writes:
I like eating Hebrew National Beef Franks.
I looked all over the grocery store but I couldn’t find the other (insert language here) National Beef Franks? No French National Beef Franks. No Spanish National Beef Franks. No Swahili National Beef Franks.
Did they all go out of business or something?
Yay! It’s Laurence! One of my first questioners (who then got me accused of blasphemy).
As for your question, haven’t you heard the jingle, “No one makes a frank like a Hebrew.”?
Actually, the real answer is less singable. While the Latin National Beef Franks and the Aramaic National Beef Franks did go out of business, the rest were destroyed by the Zionist Conspiracy (except for the French National Beef Franks which was acquire in a hostile takeover by the German National Beef Franks). We could be eating all sorts of National Beef Franks if it weren’t for the jooooos!
Sorry; I just like shouting, “Jooooos!”
BerkeleyGirl (presumably in Berkeley) writes:
I have a critical question. I’m in ROTC (scholarship, thank you very much) and am contracted, which means that as soon as I graduate from college in a few short years, I will be immediately contracted into the Army and shipped out. I have no problem with this, as I did apply to get into the program (and wasn’t drafted or anything!) My real problem is this- What if, by some strange chance, i.e. “voter problems” in Florida, we all turn socialist like the Spanish, or some other crazy thing, Kerry actually becomes President? That would mean that he’d be my Commander in Chief and I’d have to do what he says. So, in the offchance that he does pull off enough votes to beat out a real American for the position of President, should I stick with the Army and just bite my tongue (argh, superiors!) or run away to Canada like a sissy? (Hell, nevermind Canada, if I’m going to be a deserter might as well go somewhere nice… like Jamaica… I don’t know, I’ll have time to figure that out later). Thanks for any suggestions.
P.S. I’m still waiting for my free t-shirt so I can send you the pics… and if you do ever come to California, I’m here! (and so is CCinCali, and a lot of my good -younger- friends who are major fans of yours)… just throwing that out there…
I say, if Kerry gets elected, the military will need you more than ever. Democrats are always trying to turn the military into some little social club, and we need lots of right minded people (especially the large scary ones with guns) in the military to dissuade them. The military still kept it’s killing power during the Clinton years, and they can survive a John F’n Kerry.
As for your P.S., maybe I can visit my sister in Cali and say, “Hi.” I really should do a national tour just for the ladies, instead of staying here in Melbourne, Florida where there are no women and I keep growing more bitter each day.
Hey! I could do like a blogger version of The Bachelor! That’s one to file away for later…
Alex from Ye Olde England writes:
I have a absolutely wonderful blonde Republican g/f(gotta be nice as she reads this site), but unfortunately we are separated by over 3500 miles – she goes to College in Cali and I’m in the UK. Any advice on how to keep our own “special relationship” working with such a distance until I make the move to the US after graduating?
All the single women here in America I claim as my own; stay way from them! Why do need to find women here when you have your Margaret Thatcherseses in England?
Mike Webster from Dallas, Texas writes:
Please explain in simple layperson terms what a “quark” is, and why we cannot see them with our ordinary human-like eyes.
While you’re at it, how many “quarks”, if laid end to end, would fit in the ashtray of a 1999 Ford Explorer?
Quarks are the smallest know unit of matter (well the top quark isn’t that small) and they make up electrons and protons and maybe neutrons. They sit on the borderline between energy and matter. If you can’t see them, then just look harder.
Keep looking!
As for your second question, let’s count.
One.
Two.
Three.
:: crunch ::
Three.
Wait, what were we talking about?
Blake Hitchcock from McMinnville, Tennessee writes:
If a car is a moving at 60 miles per hour, then anything attached to or inside of said car is moving at 60 mile per hour.
Einstein said nothing can travel faster than the speed of light.
If the headlights are on, and a the car is moving 60 miles per hour, then wouldn’t the light be traveling at light speed plus 60?
No, because of relativity.
…
Oh, how does relativity work, you ask. Well, its… uh… I know I heard the answer to this before… it’s because when something going to speed of light is observed it looks the speed of light to someone both in the car and outside because… uh… Hey! What’s that over there!
(runs away)

Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.