Archive of entries posted on 3rd March 2004

The Limey – Episode IV: Jokes and Murder

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STARRING
Tony Pentin as The Limey
Frank J. as American Frank
Created by Stupiud Bastrad Productions
Broadcast by the BBC
Logo by Tom Bux of The Nap Room
Previous Episodes:
Episode I: The Limey
Episode II: Return of The Limey
Episode III: The Red Letter

Note: To go with broadcast standards and make this appropriate for The Children™, all vulgarity has been dubbed over. f’ing has been replaced with “fantabulous” when it’s and adjective and “not at all” when it’s an adverb. The s-word has been replaced with “wisdom”. Finally, the p-word (rhymes with “stick”) has been replaced with “doo-doo head”.
In this episode, The Limey has failed now three times to enrage the ignorant backwoodsman, American Frank. Brimming with rage himself, The Limey now ups his ante even further in an attempt to anger his nemesis and prove him a fool. Bile in his throat, The Limey hastily taps at his keyboard his latest and most vile screed:

You really are starting to sound like a broken record, little man. Limey, limey, limey at the end of every fantabulous sentence, bomb, bomb, bomb, France, France, France – give it a fantabulous rest you bigotted nutcase! YOU PERSONALLY will never be the President – at least that’s something. I know this upsets you.
Your sarcasm is terrible by the way. London – bit of a stereotype when you Americans think of England and that’s the city that you chose to say I’m from. Nothing’s changed there then. And I’m not from London. Or should that be LONDON, ENGLAND. Your filmakers always have to point out the country that the city is in don’t they! Like Venice, ITALY and Moscow, RUSSIA. Edinburgh, SCOTLAND. And you know why? BECAUSE THE MAJORITY OF AMERICANS ARE IGNORANT BASTARDS!
Seeing as you want to talk about history here’s one of those classic September 11th jokes for you…
Rudy Guiliani and George W. Bush are standing at ground zero after the towers had come down. A man from Grimsby walks over to them.
“Terrible this isn’t it!” says the man.
“Yeah, tell me…I don’t recognise your accent, son, you’re definitely not from Texas. Where are you from?” asks redneck George.
“Ah, Grimsby.”
“Grimsby?! I never heard of that. What state’s that in?” asks the backwoodsman.
‘Same state as this!”
Did that hit a nerve? Well, one things for certain those towers certainly got hit!BOOOOOOM!
So did your soldiers in 1970’s Vietnam. You remember Vietnam? That war where you got hammered?
Hopefully sooner rather than later ETA (left-wing terrorist group in Spain that have been battling for independence since the days of your mate, Franco) will murder the Spanish Conservative government, and the IRA (another left-wing terrorist group) will butcher Blair and the Armed Revolutionary Forces of Colombia (FARC) – a socialist terrorist group will overthrow the fascist regime in Colombia and install democracy!!!!!
Great to see left-wing terrorists murdering right-wing politicians! Brilliant! We’re fighting….and we’ll win!
LOL!
You also mentioned or should that be dictated that you don’t look at maps much…oh I’d never of known that would I? You’re completely ignorant.
I see you looked up the word “Parody” in the dictionary – hope it was an Oxford Concise Dictionary – you know Oxford in south England – that city where that doo-doo head Clinton was educated!
I didn’t bother looking at your fascist links to werismyki and jabberwocky. Your latest email was enough fascism for a lifetime!
All four members of Rage Against the Machine are from America – that country that you’re from. So I don’t know how you can say that it’s foreigners who have the problem with America, when these men represented the views of most Americans. But you’re completely not at all stupid so I guess that’s why you say that usual wisdom!
Did you like my September 11th joke? The whole world did!

Now we go the backwoods abode of American Frank, as he receives the e-mail through his crude RJ-45 cable made of twine. Seeing himself insulted so and the belittling of terrorist attacks on his country, will this simple creature be able to respond with nothing but unbridled rage? Will The Limey finally succeed in causing a psychotic break down in American Frank? Watch now as he responds, typing out his reply on his keyboard whittled from the limb of a sycamore tree:

Hey! It’s my limey pen pal! How’s your limey friends? I’ve been having a great time here in America. I went shooting – which is fun – and then I laughed at the poor people I saw on my HDTV. HD means extra clarity and extra hilarity!
I’m sorry to say limey so much, but I’ve never had a limey friend like you! You’re so cool and teach me so many new things! And I like bombs because the explosions are cool! I like it when we bomb poor countries, because then it’s both funny and cool! Especially watching it all on my HDTV.
I don’t like talking about France, limey, so I’ll stop mentioning them. I really hate them and hope we can wipe out that subhuman race and never talk about them again.
I never thought of being president. It doesn’t pay that well, so I think I’ll take your advice and not go for it. I want to be a rich man and then pull the strings of politicians using all my money. That’ll be lots of fun! Any laws you want me to pass when I’m rich and powerful, limey? What do limeys like to do anyway?
Wow! That’s a lot of cities from other countries! How many other countries are there? I once thought Europe was just one country, but then I found it’s a bunch of wacky smaller countries. That’s silly. But it’s nice that they try and make cities for themselves. How many mud-huts do you have to have to be declared a city, limey?
I’m sorry, limey, but I didn’t understand your joke. What’s a Grimsby? I guess you need work at joke telling, limey. Want to here one of my jokes?
A monkey walked into a bar. The bartender said, “What are you doing in here, you monkey?”
And the monkey said, “Well, I’m…”
And then the monkey stopped talking because his head was blown off since the bartender shot the monkey with a shotgun since monkeys aren’t supposed to be in bars.
Hee hee. Wasn’t that funny? It had a monkey and a bar; that’s what jokes are supposed to have, limey.
Yeah, that was terrible what happened on September 11th. Thanks for trying to lighten my mood with a joke, limey; that was nice of you. Luckily, all the people who died in 9/11 went to America Heaven, the best part of Heaven since Americans are God’s chosen people. And they get to look down and foreigner hell and laugh at all the evil terrorists we killed since 9/11. Foreigner hell is a terrible place where they don’t get to have any of America’s cultural influence and thus have to make do with their own bankrupt culture. That’s more horrible than I can imagine!
Do you know that some of those people nicknamed God “Allah”? I don’t know if God likes being called nicknames, limey. If he does, I’d called him Mr. Big.
Yeah, Vietnam was trouble, limey. My dad fought in that war and he always said to me, “Now, boy, don’t you worry none ’bout no Vietnam. We killed us plenty o’ Commies, and we woulda killed ’em all if it weren’t for them damn hippies. Now promise me, boy… promise me you’ll punch a hippy anytime you see one.”
And always, “I promise, pa. I won’t let you down.”
And I’ve kept my promise. My dad is a smart man. Do you have smart people where you live in London, limey?
Wow! I didn’t know all those governments were going to be overthrown. Thanks for telling me, limey. I guess it doesn’t affect me much, since it’s all other countries. Poor Tony Blair, though; I hope they kill him quick. He seems like a nice guy, though I thought he seemed a bit gay. Ends up he’s just British.
Oh, and you might want to be careful about that murdering, limey my pal. Most religious people look down on that sort of thing, and isn’t there a National Church of Limeys where you are? You might to check with them before you go murdering.
Yeah, I don’t like maps, limey. They’re boring and full of weird words. I like treasure maps, though! If you have a treasure map, I’ll look at that.
And please don’t make fun of our bloated, lecherous, hillbilly president Clinton; American presidents are only for American to make fun of, limey. It’s not right for other countries to have opinions about us; we’re too big and important.
Ha! Almost tricked you into reading the fascist Jabberwocky poem, but you were too smart for me. It would have fascistized you in a second if you did. Actually the Jabberwocky is a huge symbol of fascism, used by the most fascist dictator of all, Fascist McFascist, ruler of Fascistan. The tales tell that he ruled his country with an iron fist, having many great apricot trees and keeping them all for himself. The poor people of Fascistan would plead, “Please gives us some apricots!” But Fascist McFascist would yell, “No!” and then send his guards to beat the poor people.
One day, though, Fascist McFascist found that all the apricots in Facistan were gone! So he went looking for them. First he questioned the sheep. “Did you take my apricots?”
“Baaa! No!” answered the sheep, but Fascist McFascist had them beaten anyway.
Next he questioned the field mice. “Did you take my apricots?”
“Squeak! Squeak! No!” said the field mice, but Fascist McFascist had them beaten anyway.
Then he went to question the cows, but, before he got there, he found that all the apricots with the United States Marine Corp, who then proceeded to shoot Fascist McFascist with their M-16’s until all their magazines were empty. Then they traded the apricots for beer.
The moral of the story is that the only way to stop fascism is through an informed populace and well-armed United States Marines… but mainly just the Marines.
Hoped you liked my story, limey. Anyway, I’ll have to listen to more of this Rage Against the Contraption music you talk about instead of just my country music and Christian rock (yay Jesus!). If they represent the views of most Americans, then I better listen up. Do you know if they prefer Cool Ranch or Nacho Cheese Doritos? I always suspected one was fascist, but I can’t figure out which, limey!
Well, like I said before, I didn’t understand your joke, but I’m glad the rest of the world finds it funny. Living in squalor and filth and having no HDTV’s, they must be in pretty sore moods most of the time. Maybe I should send them a big box of puppets to cheer them up. Or I could just laugh at them. Foreign people are funny.
Hope to hear back from you soon, limey! Don’t go too crazy with the murdering.
Cordially,
American Frank
P.S. Actually, how are the leftists in other countries going to murder those they disagree with? I thought you couldn’t have guns in all those countries in Europe. Here in America, the left just don’t have guns because their pansies. Actually, just us right-wingers have guns. Come to think of it, we could easily all go on a murder-spree killing all the leftists here in the State and in Canada and in Europe with little resistance at all. Hmm… something to consider next time ammo is on sale.
Wanker.

Who will cave in first? Will American Frank respond with the unbridled rage The Limey so desires, or will The Limey finally get a clue? To find out, tune in to the next episode of…
THE LIMEY!

More to Come

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Man, you won’t believe what The Limey said this time, and then I super-sized my crazy in my response (which I e-mailed to him this morning). Since I worked really hard on that previous post, I’ll wait until the afternoon to post the next episode of The Limey (now with a cool logo) so as not to overshadow it.
I also have a ton of great questions to answer, so I’ll probably have Frank Answers™ tomorrow since I won’t have much time to write tonight.
Harvey Olson, who won the contest that never happened and will not be mentioned again, has used his free ad to promote The King of the Blogs. Check it out.
Finally, my Know Thy Enemy: Terrorists t-shirts are quickly running out, and I’m working on what will be next for IMAO merchandise. Stay tuned.

In My Fantasy World: U.N. Emergency Meeting on the Subject of the One Ring

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‘So there’s trouble in Middle Earth again,’ Bush sighed as he headed for the U.N. conference room, ‘I guess we better nip it in the bud to protect our oil interests.’
‘You’re thinking of the Middle East,’ Condoleezza Rice told him, ‘We have mithril interests in Middle Earth.’
There was a pedestal at center of the great room, upon it sitting the small golden ring. All countries and races filled the room, ready to debate its fate. Bush entered along with Condi, Donald Rumsfeld, and Buck the Marine, all taking seats near the center.
Bush leaned over to Condi. ‘Remind me again why we care about this?’
‘I can answer that,’ said Gandalf the Grey, ‘The Ring is an evil power, and the forces of Mordor will stop at nothing to regain it. It will also corrupt any mortal who tries to use it.’
‘It is pretty,’ Condi said, slowly reaching for the Ring.
Bush slapped her hand. ‘Beardo said not to touch.’
‘This meeting shall begin,’ announced Kofi Annan. ‘The Ring, thought to be lost, was found by Frodo Baggins and brought to our council. At the pleas of Middle Earth, we shall now decide what is to be done with it.’
‘France shall takeses good cares of the ring,’ Jacques Chirac said, rubbing his hands together greedily, ‘Yesss. Give the precious to France.’
‘Sounds like a plan,’ Bush said, ‘Beardo said the Ring will corrupt those who possess it, and France is already corrupt. So, nothing to lose.’
‘No!’ Gandalf yelled, ‘If the Ring is wielded by anyone, then its evil shall eventually find its way back to Sauron. Then all will be lost. The ring must be destroyed.’
‘While we’re deciding whether to destroy it or not,’ Condi said as she reached for the pedestal, ‘Why don’t I hold on to it.’
Bush slapped her hand again. ‘Stop that.’
‘Fine!’ proclaimed Gimli the dwarf as he drew his axe. ‘Let’s destroy this thing and be done with it.’ Gimli then hit the Ring with all his might, his axe blade shattering to pieces on contact. The Ring remained unblemished.
‘Pansy-ass midget!’ Rumsfeld shouted, ‘I’ll show you how you destroy things.’ Rumsfeld then called for his dog. ‘Chomps, see that gold ring? It’s a hippy!’
With a terrible growl, Chomps leapt at the Ring, mouth agape.
‘Ah! A warg!’ Frodo shouted as Samwise Gamgee shielded his master from harm.
Chomps grabbed the ring fiercely in his teeth as his head shook frantically about. When he spat the Ring back onto the pedestal, it still bared no mark of wear.
‘Well this is getting nowhere fast,’ Bush said. ‘Why don’t we just take it to some desert and nuke the damn thing.’
‘Why don’t I hold it while we choose the desert,’ Condi stated as she reached for the Ring.
Bush grabbed her wrist. ‘I’m serious; stop that!’
‘There is only one way to destroy the ring: to take it it’s origin,’ Gandalf announced, ‘the fires of Mt. Doom within the heart of Mordor.’
‘We’ll have to ask the permission of Sauron then if we can go into Mordor,’ Kofi Annan said.
‘But it must be done in secrecy!’ Gandalf objected.
‘Then you’re asking for the U.N. to sanction an invasion,’ Kofi Annan rejoined, ‘And that has to be voted on by the Security Council.’
‘May I have a few words about this matter?’ asked the Saruman the White.
‘That guy sounds smart!’ Bush exclaimed, ‘Let’s do whatever he says!’
‘Careful,’ Gandalf warned, ‘Saruman can bend weak minds with his words.’
‘Luckily everyone in my cabinet is strong minded,’ Bush said, and then thought for a moment. ‘Oh, wait! Me!’ Bush then covered his ears.
‘This Ring has great historical value,’ Saruman said, ‘and the land of Mordor is simply misunderstood. Plus, we have to take in to account any environmental impact of throwing the ring into Mt. Doom.’
‘Yess!’ Chirac hissed, ‘Jacques will use his vetoses to save the precious.’
‘But America is our ally,‘ Chirac then said while cowering, ‘We need to help them.‘
‘No!’ Chirac shouted back at himself, ‘Nasty America trixies poor France! The precious should be ours!’
‘Okay,’ whimpered Chirac, ‘I surrender.‘
‘How long does he get to go on like this?’ Bush asked impatiently.
‘Since he is debating himself, he gets twice the floor time,’ Kofi Annan answered, ‘Then we have to have debate from all the other countries and let them cast their meaningless votes on the matter.’
Bush looked about the large room. ‘G’dammit! How many countries are there?’

The debate raged for hours upon hours as all countries and all races that walked the earth weighed in… and then weighed in again until the most ancient and wise of the Ents, Treebeard, said, ‘Speed this the f**k up!’
Finally a resolution passed 144 to 4 that the problem was all the fault of Israel.
‘The more we bicker,’ Gandalf said, ‘The stronger the forces of Mordor grow.’
‘I’m still confused about one thing,” Bush said, ‘What exactly is Tom Bombadil?’
‘He’s a joooo!’ shouted the ambassador from Syria.
‘Let’s just leave Tom Bombadil out of this,’ Gandalf said, ‘You need to compromise with France to have the Ring destroyed.’
‘Fine,’ Bush whined. He then called out, ‘Hey, Jacques-strap, will you agree to helping destroy the Ring if we include you in the coalition?’
‘Maybe,’ Chirac answered, ‘but you Americanses better not trixies Jacques.’
‘So all we need to do is take a helicopter right into Mordor and drop the damn ring in the stupid volcano,’ Bush said, ‘That there’s strategery.’
‘You can’t do that,’ Gandalf stated ‘You must go by ground.’
‘Why?’
‘For the same reason we can’t have it flown in by the great eagles,’ Gandalf answered.
‘Which is?’
Gandalf was silent for a moment. ‘Well… uh… er… because of… uh… secrecy and stuff.’
Bush rolled his eyes. ‘Then we’ll send in a ground force.’ He looked to the Secretary General. ‘Hey, Coffee! We’re going to send a group into Mordor by ground to take care of this ring business. Okey-dokey?’
‘But who shall bear the ring?’ Kofi Annan asked.
‘I’ll take it,’ Condi said, reaching for the Ring.
Bush pulled her back. ‘I’m really getting tired of this.’
‘I’ll take the precious,’ Chirac announced, ‘Yesss. Jacques will protect the precious.’
‘No way I’m letting him touch it!’ Bush yelled.
‘And I won’t trust it with an elf!’ said a dwarf.
‘Nor I with a dwarf,’ responded an elf.
‘And no jooos!’ shouted a Muslim.
The bickering soon filled the entire room, but eventually one voice struggled to speak above them all. ‘I will take the Ring,’ Frodo said, ‘though I do not know the way.’
‘And wherever Mr. Frodo goes, I will follow,’ Sam stated ‘and help him in ways that will make people question my sexuality.’
‘I object!’ Bush yelled, ‘Those two are short and don’t have shoes.’
‘Perhaps others can help them,’ Gandalf suggested.
‘I will lend my bow,’ Legolas the elf announced.
‘And I my axe!’ proclaimed Gimli the dwarf. ‘Wait– I broke that.’
‘And me my strangling,’ said Rumsfeld, the Secretary of Defense.
‘And I’ll lend my M-16… and my KaBar,’ stated Buck the Marine, ‘and whatever else is good for kill’n.’ He then thought for a moment. ‘Who we fight’n anyway?’
‘You shall face orcs and goblins,’ Gandalf answered.
Buck squinted his eyes menacingly. ‘They sound foreign.’
‘And Jacques will lead the way,’ Chirac hissed, ‘Yessss. Lead the precious.’
‘So be it,’ Kofi Annan announced, ‘Frodo Baggins shall be the Ring Bearer, and Samwise Gamgee shall stay at his side. Representing the elves will be Legolas son of Thranduil. For the Dwarves will be Gimli son of Gloin. Representing the humans will be Donald son of George and Buck son of Chuck. And, for the weasels, there will be Chriac, son of a bitch. Together they will be known as the Multilateral Coalition of the Ring… after some more lengthy debating and votes.’
‘Dammit!’ Bush exclaimed.
Frodo drew his sword to see it glowing a dim blue. ‘There are orcs near… or hippies!’
‘There’s some protest outside,’ Bush stated, ‘Bunch of signs saying “No Blood for Mithril.”‘ Bush walked to a window and opened it. ‘Shut up you stupid hippies!’ He then threw out a chair. Finally, he returned to his seat. ‘So where were we?’
‘We had decided…’ Gandalf started to say, but then noticed the pedestal was empty. ‘The Ring!’
‘And where is Condi?’ Bush asked, looking around.
‘All is lost!’ Gandalf said as he put his face into his hands.
‘I’m tired of this!’ Bush announced as he got up and started to leave, ‘I have some fundraisers to go to. Screw Middle Earth; the military is working on a mithril substitute made from plastics anyway.’ He then left the building.
‘Do you think we’ll ever make it back to the Shire?’ Frodo asked Sam.
‘I sure hope so, Mr. Frodo, sir,” Sam answered.
‘One more thing, Sam,’ Frodo said.
‘What, Mr. Frodo?’ Sam asked with concern.
‘Could you not stand so close?’