I was going through the drive-thru at McDonalds and about to order a double-quarter pounder with cheese meal for lunch, when I noticed the big ad for the filet of fish meal as was like, “Oh yeah. It’s Friday, and I’m Catholic.” So I ordered the filet of fish, but I really wanted a double quarter pounder with cheese. Still, Jesus died for my sins so the least I can do is choke down a fish sadwich.
Man, and what am I going to have for dinner? Guess it’s Mac & Cheese. I better get some recompensation for this in the afterlife.
Archive of entries posted on 5th March 2004
The Limey – Episode V: The Lime Turns Sour
STARRING
Tony Pentin as The Limey
Frank J. as American Frank
Created by Stupiud Bastrad Productions
Broadcast by the BBC
Logo by Tom Bux of The Nap Room
Previous Episodes:
Episode I: The Limey
Episode II: Return of The Limey
Episode III: The Red Letter
Episode IV: Jokes and Murder
In order to meet broadcast standards and make this appropriate for The Children™, all profanity has been dubbed over. All swear words that are a noun have been replaced with “ronin”. Mean actions about my mom have been replaced with “a hug”. “S**ting himself” has been replaced with “doing jumping jacks”. The lyrics of the Rage Against the Machine song have been edited to make them happy.
As we come back to The Limey, he has been thwarted once again in piercing the ignorance of American Frank, so he scrambles to make one last try – his final letter – to enrage and belittle the ignorant backwoodsman:
Hello redneck! Can’t say I’ve missed you. So you went shooting did you? I went shooting on monday night – shooting footballs passed my mates in a game of football (or soccer) as you americans call it. No other country apart from Canada calls it soccer, the french call it football, the germans call it football , the cameroons. Oh sorry I mentioned Cameroon – the people that live there are black so I suppose you hate them! In your bigoted mind, If they’re not Stars and Stripes waving protestant whiteboy lunatics then they all need shooting don’t they! Football or soccer as you rednecks call it is a better sport than your soft American Football – American Footballers – if they’re so tought then why don they need all that protection when they’re on the field? Soft bastards! Football is the greatest sport in the world. 1966 – Who will ever forget that year? Sir Geoff Hurst – legend! I was extremely happy during France ’98 when Iran beat America – and it happened in France! PERFECT!
Grimsby – ah – you demonstrated your ignorance not me! You shoot yourself in the foot everytime you type on your computer! I suppose it’s instinctive for rednecks to be stupid! Just for the record Grimsby is a town on the east coast of England. Grimsby Town FC – they’re not a particularly good football team but they’re better than all your American Football Teams!
What’s with your fascination with the man upstairs? Protestants can be as crazy as Mormons! I bet you go on holiday to Utah and Oregon! There’s a lot of religious idiots there. A guy can’t even kiss a girl till he’s about 21. Can’t drink. Can only breathe at certain times in the day, redneck. They’re as crazy as you!
So your fascist Father fought in Vietnam? I hope he got wounded! I hope he dies sooner rather than later! Redneck Bush didn’t fight in Vietnam though – he was doing jumping jacks back in America and then he tried to make out that he took part! I’m sure John Kerry (even though he’s a fascist as well) will use that against Bush again before Bush’s humiliating defeat in November!
Religion = Mad.
So you want Tony Blair killed? So do I! But that proves how stupid you right-wingers really are. You hate the left but you also want to kill the people with the same views as your own! I think you should know that Tony Blair is extremely right-wing, just like Thatcher was. Let me give you some information on what that ronin has done since he became PM in 1997…
Banned various socialists from standing in the Labour Party – this is the party that was built on socialist principles,
sacked George Galloway for opposing the war,
sacked Ken Livingstone,
praised Thatcher,
invested a billion pounds of the tax payers money into the Millenium Dome
project in London,
bombed Yugoslavia in 1999,
bombed Afghanistan in 2001,
raped George W. Bush several times,
bombed Iraq in 2003,
proposed the introduction of ID cards in Britain,
increased council tax,
crushed asylum seekers by reducing their rights,
privatised approximately 20% of the National Health Service,
introduced tuition fees despite promising not to introduce them in the Labour Party’s 2001 General Election Manifesto,
what will this ronin do next?
the list goes on. Very right-wing ideas from Tony Blair and you want to kill him! GO FOR IT! You right-wingers can kill each other for all I care!
You really are STUPID!
Fascist McFascist – he doesn’t exist. The sooner you come to terms with that the better! And the sooner you go to Harvard and learn about history, geography and politics the better. There’s lots of liberals at Harvard – real Americans – Americans with brains. I hope you grow up and realise how stupid you are! After going to Harvard I recommend a psychiatrist!!!!!
Anyway ronin I’ll let you go now. I think your redneck mum wants you to give her a hug! Hows your grandmother who’s also your second cousin, how is she?
And I’m blocking your email address. You will not be able to contact me. I am tired of your ignorance – it will be defeated just like the monarchy in Nepal will be overthrown by Maoist rebels and just like the Spanish Conservative Party will be defeated by the socialist terrorist group known as ETA!
Here’s some more lyrics from Rage Against the Machine. The song “Bullet in the head” is about propaganda – how people actually belive the shit that the news and the government dictate to you. You’re one of those dumb ronins that believe everything that comes out of Wolfowitz’, Powell’s, Rumsfeld’s, Cheney’s and Bush’s mouths! The song is from their first album in 1992.
www.stormpages.com/sanka197/Bulletinthehead.html
Here’s an extract…
Believin’ all the lies that they’re tellin’ ya,
Buyin’ all the products that they’re sellin’ ya,
They say jump and ya say how high,
YOU’RE WELL FED,
SAY HI TO MY NEIGHBOR FRED!
I HOPE YOU HAVE A VERY BAD LIFE YOU RONIN! IT WOULD BE GREAT IF YOU DIED ON HOLIDAY FROM AN ETA BOMB!
What came American Frank do now? He must be driven to a full rage at this point! And now, the simple backwoodsman responds in one final plea…
I’m starting to think you’re a mean person, limey. First you put out lies that American men actually participate in the women’s sport known in the civilized world as soccer, say all these means things about Tony Blair who I don’t want to be killed, you say Facist McFacist doesn’t exist (he did!), and then I think you were insulting my parents. Then there is your encouragement of terrorism like that Estimated Time of Arrival group you mention. Murder is bad, limey, even if music bands you like say it’s okay. Music isn’t always true. Like, the song “Istanbul is not Constantinople” was true, but not all songs are.
Still, Jesus loves you, limey (even if he wouldn’t get your joke about Grimsby either), so I should give you another chance. I, an ignorant, redneck backwoodsman, have so much to learn from a worldly limey like you, but I have a few recommendations:
* Stop listening to that Rage Against the Machine music. I’m pretty sure they’re bad people and giving you bad ideas. Try listening to some other music like that Britney Spears and mindlessly follow her radical political beliefs instead.
* Don’t support terrorists. Killing is wrong… unless it’s done by the American military. You tell those terrorist to behave themselves before the American military cruise missiles make them behave– behave dead, that is.
* Anyone can look bad if you just list the bad things that they’ve done; try also thinking about the good things Tony Blair has accomplished. He saved a kitty from a tree, kung fu fought ninjas attacking an orphanage, and then used his magical British powers to save the Rats of Nimh.
* There aren’t American at Harvard who support killing and terrorism. If there were, I’d have traveled from my backwoods home and gutted them in my simple redneck ways. Look for better role models like that nice Donald Rumsfeld.
* Realize that not every other person in the world is a fascist. If someone has a different viewpoint, that doesn’t make him evil… just sane.
* Don’t just pretend to swallow the pills the doctor gives you; they’re for your own betterment.
I hope you take my recommendations to heart and keep e-mailing me, limey. You, the smart limey, and me, the ignorant American, have so much to learn from each other. To that end, I’ve written you a song… one even better than those people who don’t like the machine would write:
I have a Brit who is my friend.
We’ll be bestest buds until the end.
He always writes back so I know he cares.
I just hope he don’t murder Tony Blair.
He’s the limey! (yeah yeah)
He’s the limey! (yeah yeah)
He’s the limey, and he’s alright.
Now this little Brit can be mean,
And in every e-mail he mention “Rage Against the Machine”,
But he’s still my friend because he’s funny and cool.
I just hope he’s doesn’t short-circuit his keyboard with his drool.
He’s the limey! (yeah yeah)
He’s the limey! (yeah yeah)
He’s the limey, and he’s alright.
(drum solo)
What’s an American to do without a limey to show him the way?
His world will be dark, and he’ll have nothing to say.
He’ll just have to try and be happy with his riches and military might.
But without the limey around, IT WILL NEVER SEEM RIGHT!!
YEAAAAH!!!
(guitar solo)
HE’S MY LIMEY! (yeah yeah)
HE’S MY LIMEY! (yeah yeah)
And the world won’t turn without him around.
They say there is a little limey in us all,
But we lose each time we go to the bathroom stall.
Whoever mothered this limey I’d like to thank her,
Though to him, himself, I have just one thing to say…
WANKER!
You’re Friend,
American Frank
If you would like to continue to see future episode of The Limey, please e-mail Tony Pentin (tonypentin83@hotmail.com) to express how much you have enjoyed his letters and would like him to continue. Perhaps if he gets enough e-mails, he’ll reconsider and keep on entertaining us all.
In My World: Peacekeeping Is Boring
“I’m President Bush, and I approve this message I’m now saying,” President Bush said. “People say mean things about me, but they aren’t true as I am a good person. Look as I pet this puppy.”
“That’s a porcupine!” shouted a voice off-screen.
“(bleep)ing (bleep)!” Bush shouted as the screen faded to a black with the words “Re-Elect George W. Bush.”
Bush turned off the T.V. “We’re thinking of doing a retake on that one,” Bush explained to Laura as he rubbed his bandaged hand.
“All these commercials are nice, dear,” Laura said, “but are you also handling the other problems out there like the trouble in Haiti?”
“I don’t have to worry about that,” Bush answered, “I got Secretary of Defense Elaine Chao on top of that one.”
“Elaine Chao isn’t your Secretary of Defense,” Laura told him.
“Well, whoever is Secretary of Defense knows who he or she is and what he or she should be doing,” Bush said defensively, “Anyway, we have Marines in Haiti; they’ll know what they’re supposed to do.”
“What are we supposed to do, Buck?”
“I dunno, Gomez,” Buck the Marine answered, “You know what we’re supposed to be doing, Johnson?”
“Hell, I don’t know.”
“I guess I’ll ask our commanding officer,” Buck said as he took out his radio. “Commanding officer, what are we supposed to be doing, sir?”
“Your supposed to stop people from rebelling,” answered their commanding officer.
“By kill’n them, sir?” Buck asked hopefully.
“By looking scary,” said the commanding officer, “Oh, and guard that box.”
Buck looked at the crate the three of them were standing around. “We’re supposed to look scary and guard this box.”
“But I want to kill someone,” Johnson said.
“We all do,” Buck answered, “but we have our orders.”
Suddenly a number of Haitians ran out into the street firing guns into the air. “Hey! Look at me! I’m scary!” Buck yelled out while looking scary, “Now stop that!”
The Haitians stopped firing their guns and sulked off.
“This is boring,” Gomez said.
Soon some people approached them. “I’m Lefty Stevens for CNN,” said one man followed by a cameraman, “and I heard that you Marines led Aristide away by gunpoint.”
“If I had pointed by gun at anyone, they wouldn’t be walking much longer,” Buck assured him.
“I’m a black man from the Black Caucus,” said a black man from the Black Caucus, “and being that their are black people in this country, I am sure that racist things are going on!”
“Well, I haven’t been racist to nobody,” Buck said, “How about you, Gomez and Johnson.”
“I ain’t been racist.”
“I just like shooting people.”
“We’re Marines,” Buck explained, “We only judge people by whether they’re American of foreign… and, if they are foreign, we don’t judge them long cause they dead.”
“Ooh-rah!” the three shouted.
“I’ll get to the bottom of this!” Lefty swore, “So what’s in that box near you labeled ‘Aristide’?”
Buck shrugged his shoulders. “MRE’s?”
“Help me! I’m in a box!” yelled the box.
“As a black man from the Black Caucus,” said the black man from the Black Caucus, “I’m going to keep my eyes on all you!” He and the news crew then left.
Melinda Hawkish of Fox News then arrived with her cameraman. “Okay, we’re filming, Buck. Start killing people.”
“We ain’t supposed to kill nobody,” Buck answered.
“But that’s boring!” Melinda complained, “How am I supposed to make a story about American heroism if you don’t kill people?”
“Hey, we’re more upset than you,” Gomez said.
A pickup truck then drove up. Out of it stepped Donald Rumsfeld. “I’m here for the box.”
“Please let me out!” cried the box.
Chomps ran at the box, seized in his mouth, and shook it angrily.
“Bad dog!” Rumsfeld yelled, “Be careful with that. I might want to use the box for putting other stuff in later.” Rumsfeld then picked up the crate and threw it in the back of the pickup.
“So what is in that box?” Melinda Hawkish asked as she pointed her microphone at Rumsfeld.
“Reporters,” Rumsfeld grumbled. “Hey, I’m too important to be keeping track of what’s in every box in the world.” He then looked to the Marines. “Shouldn’t you be killing people?”
“We’re just supposed to look scary,” Buck answered.
“People were scarier looking in my day,” Rumsfeld mumbled as he got back in his truck and drove away.
“I guess nothing to see here,” Melinda said as she walked off.
“Now what do we do?” Johnson asked, “Our box is gone.”
“I’ll ask our commanding officer,” Buck said as he took out his radio. “The Secretary of Defense came and took the box. What do we do now, commanding officer, sir.”
“I guess that’s mission accomplished, Buck. Go have some beers.”
“Mission accomplished and we’re supposed to have beers,” Buck told the other two and then added after a few moments thought, “Ooh-rah!”