Archive of entries posted on 16th March 2004

Target of Opportunity

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Since some website has ranked me quite influential, I’ve decided to use this opportunity to steal the job of my arch-nemesis, Jonah Goldberg (yeah, he doesn’t know I exist, but it helps to aim high with your arch-nemeses). Jonah Goldberg likes to write funny columns about politics, but I plan to write even funnier columns about politics… so funny that the world will never be the same. Anyhoo, here is what I wrote Rich Lowry:

To: comments.lowry@nationalreview.com
From: imao@cfl.rr.com
Subject: A message to Rich Lowry from one of the most influential bloggers and/or reporters
According to a website I had previously never heard of that has ranked the most influential reporters and bloggers on the web (http://www.blogrunner.com/snapshot/top-authors-00.html), my blog, IMAO, currently ranks at 23, higher than such respected NY Times Columnists as Thomas L. Friedman and William Safire and such disrespected NY Time Columnists as Maureen Dowd. More importantly, Jonah Goldberg ranks a measly 44. Obviously, to keep National Review Online influential, you must fire that lazy Goldberg and hire me in his place. While I write five times a week even though I have a regular 9 to 5 job, Jonah Goldberg barely hacks out one column a week though his only other duty is to watch his dog chase Jacobin squirrels. Plus, I’d be much cheaper, since, having no experience with column writing, you could quote any salary to me and tell me its fair, and I’d be completely credulous. Also, I’ve designed t-shirts for one of NRO’s main advertisers, ThoseShirts.com, so we practically work together already. If you need any more convincing, I’m sure I could get up to five references that I write good.
You’d be a fool to pass up this opportunity– a complete and utter fool.
A FOOL!!!
Cordially,
Frank J. Fleming
http://imao.us

Muh ha ha ha! Jonah Goldberg’s job is as good as mine, and he’ll never know what hit him!
UPDATE: I got this response which adds to nearly four full words: “will ck out yr stuff”. The plan is in motion…
Oh wait; he’ll see this. Everyone hide!
Anyhoo, going to start working on a new In My World™ for tomorrow morning that I think everyone is going to love. Make sure to check it out… especially if you’re Rich Lowry.

Bite-Sized Wisdom: Spain, Swordless Aussies, Influence, Angry Gun Owners, and A Joke About Martyrdom

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  • LET’S DESTROY OUR COUNTRY: So, in response to the elections, the Spaniards elect Socialists? This is why, before now, I have never followed politics outside the States. No one here could run as a Socialist and have a chance of winning. Electing Socialist to run your country is just like shooting yourself in the head.
    No, no… actually, it’s more like shooting yourself in stomach.
  • THE TERROISTS HAVE WON… DEATH!: So now I’m concerned that the terrorists will take the political shift in Spain as a victory, leading to more terror, but then I remember, whether they think they won or not, we’re still going to kill them. And then I’m happy.
  • HERE TO STAY: Now the Spanish Socialists are planning on withdrawing troops from Spain. You’ve always heard of refuseniks (here’s one jerk), but what if the Spaniards refuse to leave and stay to kill terrorists? Then what are they? Killniks?
  • FAVORITE OF COMMIES AND PINKOS: John Kerry claims that there are foreign leaders who support him, but won’t say who. One we know of is Kim Jong Il, as they play anti-Bush John Kerry speeches in North Korea. Another is the incoming Socialist to Spain. Other than that, it looks like he’s just doing Gore-esque boasts. Even Chirac won’t support him, as the French hate all Americans, even the haughty, French-looking ones, who – by the way – served in Vietnam.
  • THEN ONLY NINJAS WILL HAVE SWORDS: Bad news for our Aussie friends: they’re banning swords. Soon they’ll all be dying from ninja attacks with nothing they can do to save themselves. I’m just glad I live in America where I can legally carry a sword with me wherever I go… as long as I can find a way of concealing it. And just wearing a trench coat like in Highlander doesn’t actually work. You could try shoving it down the front of your pants, but most people probably won’t buy that.
  • I’M INFLUENTIAL: There is a list of the most influential bloggers and reporters, and Reynolds, who is number one, is skeptical. To help with that skepticism, I’m number 19. Take that, Jodi Wilgoren of the New York Times.
  • SLACKER GENIUSES: I am ashamed to have graduated from CMU, who have failed DARPA and our country by completing only 5% of the course with their robot Humvee. What? Did they assign the “special” engineers to design the automated vehicle? I say, if a student can’t make a Humvee that drives itself, he should be expelled. Now our poor troops have to drive themselves like normal. Sorry guys; you deserve better.
  • MONKEY NEWS: Six monkeys were found in a man’s apartment in New York. Ends up he meant them to be there, but, if you move into a new apartment and find it overrun with monkeys, don’t be afraid to bring that up with the super.
  • POKING TIGERS WITH A SHARP STICK: There is a plan for a Fort Wayne.com in Indiana to publish the names of all concealed weapons permit holders for all sorts of fruity reasons they came up with. Publicola is all over this, and wants to retaliate by publishing as much information as he can about the people from Fort Wayne. Don’t those people know that to single out gun owners makes them angry, and, well, they have guns? I say give the angry gun owners the addresses of those pestering them and then see who also becomes gun owners.
    BTW, there is now an Angry Gun Owner Association site based on my previous idea.
  • MARTYRS: A reader Rob sent in this joke:

Two Arab mothers are sitting in the Gaza strip chatting over a pint of goat’s milk. The oldest mother pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures, and they start reminiscing.
“This is my oldest son Mohammed. He’s 24 year old”, says mum.
“Yes, I remember him as a baby” says the other mother gleefully.
“He’s a martyr now though” mum confides.
“Oh dear?” says the other
“And this is my second son Kalid. He’s 21”
“Oh, I remember him,” says the other happily, “he had such curly hair when he was born”.
“He’s a martyr too ” says mum quietly.
“Oh gracious me ….” says the other.
“…and this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Achmed. He’s 18”, she whispers.
“Yes” says the friend enthusiastically, “I remember when he first started school”.
“He’s a martyr also,” says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says, “Its amazing, they blow up so fast, don’t they?”

It’s funny ’cause it’s true.