The next episode of The Limey will be delayed until Wednesday at the latest because it’s a long e-mail worth of a long response. It will be worth the wait, I promise.
I got a great description of the Air Force from someone in the know, and I was about to print it but realized I didn’t correctly copy it all from the e-mail which I’ll have to correct when I get home. I’d love some descriptions of the other branches of the military from people with experience (and no gratuitous branch bashing – not that anyone would ever think of doing that). I’ll put up the description of the Air Force tomorrow so you know what I’m looking for.
I have a new advertiser selling cards with 52 reasons why Bush should be reelected. As a Frank J. fan, you must check them out.
I also received a True Patriot award from PatriotBlog.com. I like awards. Someone should give me a “Better than Jonah Goldberg Award”.
Speaking of that, my fan clubs should come up with a way for people to sign up as fans of Frank J. (and then pad the number of sign ups so it’s a big number). I’ll soon have marching orders for my fans. These will be the best fan clubs ever!
…and the ones most advantageous to me! Muh ha ha ha!

It’s easy to point out the problems of terrorism, but it’s harder to offer real solutions. But I, Frank J., being so smart and not particularly engaged by the Sunday T.V. lineup, have decided to finally solve terrorism once and for all. With these innovative ideas, we can live in a terrorist free world and eat our Chunky Monkey ice cream in peace.
* The Easy One: Kill them. Dead terrorists don’t commit terror… at least not in this world. Maybe they sometime sneak out of hell and plant bombs in Heaven; I don’t know, and frankly that’s not my problem. I just hope they have a good angel of Heavenland Security.
* Education: If terrorists are educated that the West is neato keen, they won’t want to kill us. How to get them to listen, you ask?
Shut up! No talking during my posts!
Anyway, people always listen if you point a gun at them. So educate evil terroristy people at gunpoint. You can use the laser sight of the gun as a laser pointer. Just don’t wave your gun around too much, because it’s distracting.
Some terrorists, such as the leaders, may be too educated. Force-feed them paint chips.
* Do the Reading: Apparently many terrorists are Islamic, and they support their killing with passages in the Koran. Anyone check that out and see what that says? Might be useful.
* Vigilantism: There are terrorists hiding in America, so let’s encourage Americans to find them. All Americans should be empowered to beat up whoever seems terroristy to them. This may lead to some unjust beatings, but, as long as it’s not me, I don’t care.
* Biased Media: One of the reasons so many people hate America and Jews in the Middle East is because the evil dictators rule the media. We can secretly take over the media and tell them that America is rich and powerful because it’s just so much better than their country and that Jews are great people whom they should hug.
Problem is, we need the leaders to think their evil media is still being broadcast. That way, they’ll be all surprised when their people lynch them. And then, we should get pictures of them being surprised because people looking surprised is funny.
* Good ‘Ole Blasphemy: What’s happens in that Mecca place? They won’t let in non-Muslims, so I don’t know. There’s this covered thing at the center which they say is some structure, but I suspect it to be concealing nuclear weapons. We need to invade Mecca and check it out.
Some may say this will anger more Muslims against us, but hey, women driving angers Muslims in Saudi Arabia. If we’re going to anger them anyway, we might as well go the full monty.
* The Big Man: Many terrorists say they take orders from this one called “Allah”. We need to hunt him down and stop him, thus taking out who gives the Islamic extremist terrorist their marching orders and leaving them extremely disorganized. Some say Allah’s location is in Paradise surrounded by dark-eyed virgins, while others place him somewhere in the mountains that border Pakistan.
* Bomb France: Let’s show we are so resolved against terrorism that we will not only treat those who comfort terrorists like terrorists themselves, but will also treat those who appease terrorists like terrorists themselves. Plus, I don’t like France. Also, terrorist say they want to attack France over the headscarf ban, so maybe we’ll steal their thunder, and then they’ll just mope. It’s easy to take out mopers.
* Jesus is the Answer: Christians never hurt anyone, so let’s try and convert everyone to Christianity. We should make a giant statue of Jesus in the middle of Saudi Arabia that has the a loud speaker at it’s mouth that keeps blaring, “The power of Christ compels you to not commit terror! The power of Christ compels you to not commit terror!”
That would be so cool! And the terrorists will be like:
“How is that statue talking?”
“Probably by some speakers hidden inside.”
“Or maybe it’s the Holy Spirit!”
“I’m scared, Mohammad! Hold me!”
“Only if you hold me, Omar!”