Our Military XI

I want to keep this feature going, so, if you have a military story, e-mail me with the subject “Military”. Thanks.


jamestox (AT3, U.S. Navy) sent this joke in (though it probably has a lot of truth about military life):

From: Attack Squadron XXXXXX-XXXXX
To: Family members and close friends of service members
Subject: Return of service member from at-sea deployment
This letter has been written to give you advance warning of the forthcoming return of your service member, on or about XX December, 19XX, from deployment in the Mediterranean Sea with Carrier Group XXXX, embarked on USS XXXXXXXXXXXXX (CV-XX), a unit of Battle Forces SIXTH FLEET.
Due to the nature of duty your service member has been subjected to, you may find it necessary to “retrain” him for non-deployment life. With your full
cooperation in following the proven recommendations in this letter, your service member’s transition back to full, non-deployment “normal” life should be obtainable within a maximum of 2 to 3 years – assuming there are no additional deployments in the meantime.
The following recommendations may seem a bit harsh at first, but your service member will benefit greatly from them and will love you more for your loving care and understanding.
TO HELP YOUR SERVICE MEMBER TO READJUST TO HIS NEW ENVIRONMENT, PRACTICE THE FOLLOWING:
1. Secure (close and lock) the bathroom for a minimum of 23 hours and 45 minutes daily.
2. Put toilet tissue out only once a month (supply other family members with their own rolls during the readjustment period).
3. Limit the service member’s water usage to a maximum of 30 gallons per day (to include laundry, dirty dishes, car washing, and lawn/garden watering for the entire household, as well as the service member’s personal needs).
HELPFUL HINTS:
Under no circumstances should you let your service member take a hot shower; this could cause permanent psychological damage. This can be done by securing the valve from the water heater when the service member enters the bathroom.
As for the service member’s laundry, always return fewer clothes than he puts in or instant insanity could result (due to having too many clean clothes to choose from). When washing his clothing, add at least one full cup of itching powder; this will make his clothes feel “normal” and keep him too busy to yell orders to you or anyone else in the vicinity. Over time, reduce the amount of itching powder, since this condition is only temporary and will dissapear with love and time (in that order).
You may find it necessary to move your household to a location beneath a bowling alley for the service member to fall asleep at night. He is accustomed to hearing loud noises above him while he is sleeping (e.g. catapult shots, aircraft engaging arresting gear during landings, F-4 Phantoms crashing on the flight deck, etc.). If it is impossible to find a bowling alley with a basement, a large steel mill will suffice – although it must have a stamping press that runs at night.
MEAL PREPARATION
All meats must be prepared in such a way as to be burnt on the outside and still frozen in the center. Mashed potatoes should be prepared in a manner that will cause them to “run” all over the plate and mix with his dessert. Fresh milk should be available only for the first week of the month, with “long-shelf-life-container” liquid milk provided for the next three days, and nonfat-dry milk the remainder of the month. Canned, mixed vegetables, ketchup, and pepper hot sauce are to be provided for two of the three daily meals to allow the service member to make vegetable soup if he so desires. Pancakes can be made in one of two ways: thin and rubbery or thick and hard (the service member will recognize these two varieties as “tire-patch” and “armor-plate”). Powdered and brewed beverages (instant lemonade, Kool-Ade, iced tea) should be mixed with a minimum of sugar and diluted to about half its intended strength. Coffee should be brewed a recommended three days.
“DRILLS”
The following may occur from time to time during your service member’s stay at home and are nothing to be alarmed about. Do not be concerned with unusual reactions to normal, everyday sounds such as those created by handheld electronic games, railroad trains, doorbells or telephones – to which he may exit the front door, pulling on his clothes at a dead run to “man his battlestation.” Conversely, he may secure himself in some manner to something solid such as an indoor column, bannister, or commode in preparation of a collision with another seagoing vessel. This behavior becomes instinctive through the practice of shipboard “drills” and is considered quite normal so soon after an at-sea deployment. Your service member can be restored to a non-drill condition by sounding one short blast on a whistle and saying, “Now, secure from …” and state the drill in which he was taking part. Simple observation and common sense will cue you on the type of drill. Some quite common shipboard drills are: General Quarters (“battlestations”), Collision, Man-Overboard, and Mail Call. Note: until your service member fully realizes he’s no longer on deployment, we recommend you “drill” him ocassionally to prevent a sense of paranoia and psychological unease. One highly recommended drill is General Quarters; this drill should be held during his normal sleeping hours and last a MINIMUM of 2 hours. Be sure to pass the word: “No eating, drinking or smoking”, as this is a normal condition during G.Q. – and one in which some service members are lax.
TV
Do not be alarmed if your service member sets the television picture out of focus, turns up the volume to the point of loud distortion, then starts complaining that, “…the TV is mess ed up again because the idiot running the studio used the WRONG lens on the projector to show the movie.” He may also kick the coffee table over and put his heels on it after sitting on the sofa and loudly mumble to himself for long periods. This condition is normal and temporary, lasting through the first few months of non-deployment life.
Misc.
There may be other unusual things you will notice your service member doing; such behavior normally disappears over time in his new environment. Some examples may include measuring and stirring sugar into his coffee with either a knife or fork, using an unusually heavy (and nearly inedible) amount of seasoning on his meals, going through a safety-gear checklist prior to mowing the lawn, performing a “FOD walkdown” on the driveway every morning, or loudly shouting “door coming closed – stand CLEAR!!!” when shutting the garage door. I must once again stress that these things are perfectly normal and almost always harmless.
If there is anything our squadron can do in helping you with your service member’s reacclimation to non-deployment life, feel free to call us or your nearest Armed Forces activity. The US military has a fine medical department with 24-hour emergency psychiatrists on duty, should you or your service member require immediate attention. I hope this letter has been of assistance to you. I must assure you, there are only a few things your service member need be taught again.
Very sincerely,
XXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXX
Post-deployment Assistance Officer, ATKRON-XX

Jason writes about a usual day for the National Guard:

I spent a couple of years in the New York Army National Guard. The National Guard gets a lot of stick, this story I about to relay is a good example of why. Our 2 week annual training every summer was usually pretty uneventful. I and 3 of my buddies had managed to secure three of the most coveted positions in the company. I was the CO driver, another was a Platoon Leader driver and yet another was the XO driver. This probably was done on purpose to try and keep up separated. The unforeseen problem was that this gave all three of unfettered access to vehicles 24 hours a day. The base we were on was no base at all. It was a ‘camp’. In theory it was the equivalent to Camp David, but for the governor of New York and not the President. Camp Smith, as it is called, is pretty open. It is not unusual for military vehicles to leave there at any time of day. One afternoon ‘Dan’ had purposely gotten the XO vehicle dirty. He was unable to clean before chow that night telling the XO he would do it after chow. The thing was the bay for washing vehicles close before evening show. The XO, of course had no idea. At about 2100 that night, Dan, Steve, and I slipped into the night the Sgt. ‘nobody’. We took a Sergeant because the rest of us were SPC. and we needed someone to take the blame if we got caught. Everyone except for Dan was in civilian clothes. Dan had his in a bag. He has to at least drive of camp in BDU’s. We drove about 30 miles to Wallkill NY. We figured that was sufficient enough not to raise any alarms. First things first we had to get the M1009 washed. The M1009 is a Chevy Blazer outfitted for the military. In Wallkill NY seeing a blazer painted camouflage does not tend to get noticed. Anyways what easier ways to wash it then to take it through an automatic car wash, right? No. We had forgotten about the $600 radio antenna that was tied down on the side of the M1009. It snapped in two pieces in the car wash. It was at this time the sergeant with us realizes why we had brought him along and proceeded to freak out. He was then offered the option to walk or continue the mission. We just ended up going to some sports bar. That was pretty uneventful. We headed back to Camp Smith. There was still the issue of the antenna that needed to be taken care of. Dan said he would take care of it. We were all in our bunks by 0300. We only had to be up in two hours. When we did get up, Dan was immediacy greeted by the XO. “SPC. Podinski I was looking for you last night, you were not in your bunk.” Sir, I may have been in the Latrine” “I checked the latrine, you were not there” Sir, I said ‘I may have been in the latrine’, I did not say I was there.” “You were not in your bunk, where were you?” “Sir, I can neither confirm nor deny that I was not in my bunk at that time you specified because my watch is broken.” At that point the XO gave up and walked away, seeing how he knew what had happened, and knew that we could not prove it. Our story does not end their kids. You all remember that antenna that got broken, right? It turns out that Dan had taken the antenna of the M1009 that Steve was driving. So Steve ended up having some explaining to do, but it was all good since the whole excursion was his idea anyways. I am since out. Steve and Dan both went on to OCS and now have their enlisted men pulling the same kind of stuff on them.

The names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Chad got this from his roommate and it shows a different side of Iraq:

I got this email from my cousin who is in iraq right now. i thought you guys might find it interesting. it makes me either want to not pay taxes or
join the army….im not sure:
Things have been quite a bit calmer as of late. I’m just living one day at
a time out here. I noticed that when I start to think about coming home I get depressed and the days go by slower, so I just try to keep the though of what day it is out of my head. I know I don’t have a whole lot of time
left.
Iraq isn’t my favorite country to say the least. One Iraqi man asked
me if I enjoyed being here in Iraq, I just glared at him, I couldn’t believe he
even asked me that. A vast majority of the Army out here does nothing…literally. They are just bodies used as man-power. I’ve noticed their lifestyle, and talked to a couple of 82nd Airborne guys and they
told me all about how most of the soldiers wake up whenever they want, go to
eat chow, watch a couple of movies, do whatever, then their “work day” is complete. I think I know how a lot of these guys handle being out here for
a year or so…they don’t do ANY work. What a joke, what a horrible waste of tax-payers money. 1 Thing I will never forget about the military is the disgusting waste of our tax dollars. No one seems to care about it either, it’s amazing. Abuse of government vehicles, ragging on them to amuse a few people, and various other things. It makes me sick that my taxes are being spent to fund stupidity. Anyhow, enough of my ramblings, I’m a bit tired right now. Thanks for the news! Love, Matt.

Finally, Blackfive has up a story of escorting a hero home. A must read.

That Monkey is Strangling that Poor Dog!

Fan Club II has a caption contest.

It Is Done

There, I made my picks for the IMAO t-shirt babe, and it was almost cruel limiting it to five… but hey, I like cruel.
I’m still waiting on about half the judges, and, from the looks of things so far, it’s going to be a close competiton.
UPDATE: I just got my gun safe! Okay, that has nothing to do with this post, but I didn’t feel like doing a separate post for it. Now my “guns” can be “safe”.

Frank and the John Kerry Campaign: Misleading Ads!

Here’s a letter I got from the Kerry campaign on April 27th. Let me fisk it:

Dear Frank,

That’s me!

I am sickened and saddened by a new Bush-Cheney attack ad released yesterday. It is a malicious insult to a man who has spent his entire life — from the battlefield to the Senate — fighting to make America strong and safe.

I’m sickened, too, but I just need to be more selective where I buy my sushi.
So Kerry was on a battlefield? Where?

We can fire back now at this slanderous attack on the airwaves but only with your help:
https://contribute.johnkerry.com

Hey, nice try, bucko. But I need more info before I fork over some cash. I’m not your usual Democrat ‘tard.
“Oooh! Me clicky blue link! Me givey money!”

The ad accuses Kerry of voting against body armor for our troops. A bizarre claim considering it was George Bush who sent 40,000 U.S. troops to Iraq without the proper body armor. I wish I could blame overzealous political consultants for the ad, but George Bush watched and approved it himself — one more reminder that the Bush-Cheney Campaign will do and say anything to hold onto power.

So, the evil Bush sent troops to Iraq without body armor, and that’s not an argument further condemning Kerry for voting against funding the troops? I’m confuse-ed.
It’s nice how you want to give Bush the benefit of the doubt – and I know you’re sincere in that wish – but it’s obvious that Bush is so immoral he will approve ads attacking his opponent on his voting record. That the kind of tactics Hitler would use!
…I mean, if Hitler were a regular politician and not a genocidal maniac.

You have to see the ad for yourself to understand how low the Bush campaign is willing to go and how dishonest they’re willing to be. But most of you won’t see it because it is being run in only a few key “swing states.” President Bush has already spent nearly $50 million on misleading ads, more than any other candidate in history. (See below for a link to the ad and a D-Bunking of it.)

Wow! The Buch-Cheney-Haliburton-Satan team is just targeting swing states. Using strategy in an election year; that’s as low as you can go! It’s good Kerry’s statements seem to be bereft of any rhyme or reason whatsoever. I will see this misleading ad as soon as I’m done reading this lovely e-mail to dear me.

John Kerry is under fire — help us fire back with a contribution:
https://contribute.johnkerry.com

Hey, goober, wait until I see the ad; then I’ll think of giving you money.

We’ll keep fighting. But we can only do it with your support. We know that we’ll be able to counter this new attack campaign, just like the others — but only because those of you receiving this email will give us the means to fight another day.

Yeah, you don’t how much giving me this e-mail really helps you.

Thank you,
Mary Beth Cahill
Campaign Manager, John Kerry for President

Your name is stupid (sorry, it’s my day off and I’m just out of witty material).

The Facts: http://www.factcheck.org/article.aspx?docID=177
The Misleading Ad: http://www.georgewbush.com/VideoAndAudio

Hey, the ad “Weapons” doesn’t just say Kerry voted against body armor, it says he’s voted against like every weapon ever proposed for the military. If Kerry had his way, our troops would be running around naked with sticks in their hands.
I didn’t read your refutation of the ad because I have a short attention span. Maybe if you made a refutation in video form with funky music in the background I’d see it.

Please do not reply to this message. To contact John Kerry for President, please click here.

Hey! I can reply to this message if I want! You can’t tell me what to do! You’re not my president!

Plagiarism!

What do you think? Looks like a blatant rip-off of Chomps to me! I’m so outraged I’m going to sit here and sip my coffee.

Comments Open

Since it seems impossible to keep people from commenting, comments are now open on the post of the IMAO T-Shirt Babe Candidates. I’m even having comments open on this post.
Just a reminder, winner won’t be posted until Monday.

Okay, I Admit It: I’m Out of the Loop

To be honest, between work, writing this blog, other writing activities, and trying to have a social life, I’ve gotten behind on reading other people’s blogs. Apparently, John Hawkins post about which bloggers he’d most like to be stuck on a desert island with (my comments here) caused a kerfluffle which I missed out on. Meryl Yourish (who I like; she named me an honorary Jew) was upset by the sexism in that post and responded with this (I feel like such a piece of meat), with further comments here. Today, Hawkins has a roundup of more comments on the topic of sexism and blogging.
As for my opinion, I think, as long as we’re letting them vote, women should be able to blog, too.
Oh, I guess that wasn’t the topic. The question is whether cute female bloggers are more likely to get links that other female bloggers who are better writers. Well, would an attractive male blogger be more like to get links from female bloggers, I wonder? Which then begs the question: who is the biggest blog-stud out there?
Oh yeah – me.
Wait, what was I talking about again?

Top Ten Things Overheard from Insurgents in Fallujah

As I yet again steal David Letterman’s intellectual property (hey, I’m pretty sure one of his writers once stole from me), here is:
TOP TEN THING OVERHEARD FROM INSURGENTS IN FALLUJAH
10. “I’m not scared of any infidel U.S. Marine… but those camels, man; they bite.
9. “Just out of idle curiosity, do you still get 72 virgins if you’re shot in the back while running away?”
8. “It doesn’t matter that the U.S. troops have better weapons, better tactics, and some concept of hygiene, because we have Allah on our side! He will… Hey! Allah is escaping out the back! Someone stop Him! Allah, You coward!”
7. “I know we should be more concerned with this holy war, but I think it would be nice if someone subtly mentioned the Atkins diet to Sadr.”
6. “There is some point to this insurgency other than getting us all killed, right?”
5. “I just can’t stand those infidels with their loose women who walk around uncovered! By the way, does anyone have more pictures of that outrage?”
4. “I think Sadr may be inflating the amount of support we have, because it looks like half of our fellow ‘brothers’ are just monkeys dressed up in bandoliers.”
3. “If we hide in a mosque, we’ll be safe. No one would bomb a mosque… other than us, I mean.”
2. “Stupid Americans trying to make things better for other people! Did it ever occur to them that some of us like festering?”
And the number one thing over heard from insurgents in Fallujah…
“I’m not just going to stand around here waiting to die. F**k this Shiite!”

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On my blogads, I have Robert Whitfield trying to beat a liberal in North Carloina, and he could use your help.
Also, check out Cooper for President once you’re done getting all your humor here for the day.
Remember: All real Frank Fans check out my sponsors.
Again, make sure to be like Frank and donate to Spirit of America (also on my blogads). Doug the T-Shirt Guy has suggested that I do some charity auction for them like other bloggers. What do you guys think? Should I abuse my position of power by using it to help others, or should I stick to the purity of only enriching myself?

The IMAO T-Shirt Babe Candidates

It’s finally here! Here are twenty contestants, and I think we have a good mix of young’ns and more experienced babes. I almost wish we could pick more than one, but someone has to be the IMAO T-Shirt Babe, get all the IMAO t-shirts, and, upon modeling them, one hundred dollars cash and a hundred dollar shopping spree at ThoseShirts.com. Because of the great turnout, second and third places winners will also get a t-shirt, plus I’ll try to think of a little something to give all the contestants as thanks for competing.
Without further ado, here they are:


1.
Willow’s Hawkey Rant
(From The Whomping Willow)
Something has been bugging me about Fallujah. I mean besides the obvious. That has been sickening me, disgusting me, throwing me into near apoplectic rages that result in me pacing the house, muttering things like “savages,” “carpet bomb,” “hellfire missile” under my breath until Paul
calmly reminds me that most likely there were people around the area who were disgusted by what those animals were doing, too. There are probably some people left in that area who still possess some humanity and they couldn’t, he said, just waltz into the middle of the throng and stop what was going on.
Maybe.
But reading Christopher Hitchens’ article today made it clear what was bugging me about Fallujah. It’s a reminder of what the future will be like if we fail. It’s like I was looking into Galadriel’s mirror, the Ring weighing down upon my neck, and I’m looking at the shire, burnt and blackened and
horrible. What we’ve done in Afghanistan is right, what we’ve done in Iraq is right. Right, but not complete. Orcs still roam in Mordor.
(Sorry for the Tolkien indulgence I’ll stop now.)–
the rest of the post is here–
Willow’s Picture


2.
I could wax poetic about the way the freedoms we enjoy must be protected by the men who fight so we don’t have to. I could go on for pages and pages on the subject of vengeance, tyranny, and the defense of the innocent. I could talk ’til I was blue in the face about justice and other such high-minded ideals. But let’s face it: all of this has been said before, and by better writers than I. Instead, I will express this sentiment, which I believe sums up my position quite nicely:
If we don’t take the battle to them, they will bring the battle to us. And I do not want the battle brought to us; I mean, do you have any idea how hard it is to beat someone into the ground with a baseball bat without breaking a nail? Seriously. At least they would probably run before my mascara did. Then I could just shoot them.
Joanna Lees
“The Good-Natured Cynic”
Joanna’s Picture


3.
From the attached photo, you will see I’m a chick. It is my sincerest hope you deem my babeness potentially worthy of your great shirt.
Your shirt design rocks and I would wear it proudly. In fact, I probably try to get my entire family in it. (One husband and our three sons who play SOCOM online often and blow up their fair share of terrorists.)
You need someone my age to wear your awesome shirt! It should be worn in the city we live in. g
Thank you for your time and consideration–
Kelli Lowry
Vicksburg, MS
http://www.geocities.com/k_lo5/
Kelli’s Picture


4.
Elise presents: The Hawkish Statement
For starters, why the HELL does Fallujah still exist? Innocent Americans have been mercilessly slaughtered and we’re holding back? You would think that our origins were French. Fucking pussies. The only time they get rowdy is when you get in the way of their ‘culture’. You want some cheese with that whine Chirac? And to think these UN assholes want to get in the way. Are they stupid? Just let the American troops do what they were trained to do; kick some serious terrorist ass. That, or you’re next dick. The best thing to do to Fallujah? Take it all out in one sweep with our mighty friend, the MOAB. Oh yes folks, at least three football fields worth of damage. Good God I hope they air the action on CNN. Haven’t seen a real fireworks show since the bombing of Afghanistan. I cry tears of artistic appreciation just reminiscing. An even better idea is to just nuke Iraq like it was a test site. Seriously, the whole Middle East needs a good flushing. They could afford to start over completely, and hell, it would be nice to have a constant source of oil. United States annexes can be useful.
Elise’s Picture


5.
Liberals often ask me, “If there’s a God, why is there evil and suffering in the world?”
I always reply, “Perhaps because God in his mercy wanted to give Liberals and their terrorists friends two things they could actually be good at.”
Some people just don’t appreciate the gifts they’re given, though!
The enemy is not content to be evil in moderation. No! Instead it has to go about charring people to death. That’s what we have “Puff the Magic Dragons” and Daisy Cutters and Chomps for. I support the use of all three. But not at once, because we couldn’t have Chomps gettin’ all Daisy Cuttered could we?
Miranda Marmorstein (Yes, yes it is a jooish last name)
Miranda’s Picture


6.
My appearance doesn’t put me in the “babe” category, but my behavior definitely is hawkish.
Who else but a hawkish chick would pose with a patriotic rubber ducky in a trainer at Patuxent River Naval Air Museum in Maryland? Who else would help her college roommate, a flight test engineer at Pax River, install a multi-mode receiver in a P-3 Orion while on vacation?
Who else would provide a stunning image of a screaming Bald Eagle to a conservative blogger so that he can create a patriotic design and post it on his website? And who else would prod – nay, stalk – Bill Whittle about publishing Silent America?
A hawkish chick supports the troops, and I’ve been donating to the USO’s Phone Home campaigns for months. After Rich Galen of Mullings requested Double-Stuf Oreos, I collected cookies from coworkers and mailed a huge box of goodies. I also collected magazines and sent two boxes to Jason Van Steenwyk of Iraq Now. After Jason requested school supplies for Iraqi children, I sent small boxes of pens, scissors, calculators, sunglasses and other requested items. When my tax return arrives, I will donate half of it to Spirit of America.
A Recovering Liberal
Costa Mesa, Calif.
A Recovering Liberal’s Picture


7.
Imao Babe: A short version of the many reasons I am the ultimate IMAO babe:
1) I love money, proof that I am not a commie
2) No matter what my hair color, I am always this cute
3) I look great in black t-shirts
4) I hate anyone who threatens my rights, including terrorists
Smart and beautiful, what more could you want?
Megan Weilacher
Megan’s Picture


8.
If you don’t make me T-Shirt Babe I’ll hunt you down just like I hunted down Osama. That’s right! I killed Osama. Why do you think Dubya can’t find him? Huh?
I never post anymore, but: www.pecas.blogspot.com
~ Adela
Adela’s Picture


9.
Hey Peaceniks, FOAD. It’s Why We Fight.
1991.
Driving through the desert of Saudi Arabia, in what must’ve been a mile-long convoy, I could see up ahead a group of Bedou, off to the left and very near the convoy itself. I could make out two men and two young children, the former just standing around, the latter scampering to and fro, picking up all the items that were being tossed out the window by the soldiers.
Our turn finally came. The boy was older than his sister, that’s all I remember of him. The girl, maybe 7 yrs old, had gorgeous, long, curly, black hair, uncovered and loose. She was one of the most beautiful creatures I have ever seen.
Fast-forward to a four-truck convoy, last in line, on the hardball (a paved road), and parallel to a walled compound. At a four-way intersection, a “tween” jumps in front of my Humvee with a lead pipe in his hand, screaming in Arabic. My door flies open and a swarm of kids are there, rootin through all the paraphernalia that lay at my side or feet. We discovered later that they managed to swipe our case of MREs that was wedged in a cranny. “Good for them”.
-Lydia VH
Lydia’s Picture


10.
To those who do not know me but seek to rob Americans of our lifestyles, I say thus:
Hand me a t-shirt.
I fear no terrorist. There is little I can personally do to stop another human being from sacrificing himself or herself , his children or her children or his or her way of life to cease mine. Each day I waited to write this, more acts of terrorism (and denouncement of it) wrote themselves in the history books. A week ago – Saudi Arabia and a car bomb – many dead.. The Palestinian conflict with Israel, never-ending. Europe ignores bin Laden’s truce offer. This week?
Nothing on American soil. My security in that pronouncement stems from this administration’s willingness to stand in the face of those who seek to kill or maim us. The wounded don’t forget. The families of those who never knew to fight back don’t “move on.” And we, we who know the path to fight terrorism doesn’t include a side road named Bargaining, we live our lives.
Everyone knows someone who knows someone touched personally by September 11, 2001. Let there never be another.
Heather Noggle (the only Peace Gallery Alumni to enter)
http://angelweave.mu.nu
Heather’s Picture


11.
After much soul searching concerning how to be hawkish, I have decided to combine those two things that I hate the most: Terrorists and Michael Moore. Michael Moore pretends to care about the lives of American soldiers (while demoralizing them and us with his lies and propaganda) while remaining fat, safe and stupid at home. Terrorists are concerned with killing fat, safe and stupid Americans at home. Let’s bring them together. Mr. Moore should be flown to Iraq and strapped to the side of convoy Humvees. That way, when a roadside bomb goes off, everyone is happy. Soldiers are shielded from the blast by Moore’s largeness, and we are spared any future idiotic and disingenuous pontificating by Moore.
~CCinCali
CCinCali’s Picture


12.
Killing insurgents with full metal jackets
Leveling hide-outs and other such tactics
Terrorists wrapped up in flexi-cuff rings
These are a few of my favorite things
When the bombs fly
Terrorists cry
We’ll leave nothing to chance
We thank all of our troops and our allied groups
And when we’re done we’ll pave France
~Serenity
http://www.serenitysjournal.com
Serenity’s Picture


13.
I should be the IMAO T-Shirt Babe, because i hate terrorists, as they are ugly, mean, nasty, evil, stupid and foreign. Seriously though, I hate terrorists because George, Condi and Frank J tell me I should; that’s all the convincing I need.
I also hate the French, the Commies, the Hippies and John Kerry, basically all for the same reasons: they are French-looking, wear bad tie-dyed clothing, have awful hair, smell putrid and lie a lot; I have no use for such people.
As the IMAO T-Shirt Babe, I wouldn’t really do anything significant… unless helping Frank J increase t-shirt sales by 500% is considered significant. I mean, look at me! What idiot wouldn’t buy a “Know Thy Enemy” t-shirt after seeing it on me?? And smart people, well they’ll buy at least two!
If those reasons alone don’t prove my worthiness, I can always resort to empty threats.
SarahK — too brave for the UN
http://kiser47.typepad.com
p.s. George W. Bush approved this IMAO T-Shirt Babe Contest entry. Vote for me, or Rummy will sic Chomps on your esophagus.
SarahK’s Picture


14.
In the War on Terror, I feel it’s my duty as an American woman to wear clingier clothing, flirt more outrageously, have more orgasms, and get on top more often. Whatever is taboo to the islamofascists is on my to do list for the day. Pass the pork chops.
I don’t want to appease them. I don’t want to understand them. I don’t want to let them reap the benefits of our liberalism while plotting our destruction. Like most Americans, I would have been more than happy to let them pretend the last 400 years of progress never happened, as long as they didn’t force their warped-vision goggles on anyone else. But since they brought the war to us, let’s kill all the terrorists and pave the Middle East with outlet malls, fast food franchises, and Disney Mecca. Let’s infect their entire population with personal liberty and dissension and critical thinking. And if that doesn’t work, let’s flood them with porn spam.
Michelle Hendrix (aka shell)
www.acrosstheatlantic.com
Michelle’s Picture


15.
The belief that thugs who murder busloads of children will stop because you chant at them is idiocy, not pacifism. I would like for there to be no need for violence or war. Unfortunately, there are a bunch of so-called ‘people’
who like to terrorize everybody else; they’ve used violence to start this argument, and I see no reason not to continue the debate on those terms.
Particularly because we are better at it than they are (and by ‘we’ I mean ‘the US armed forces, of which I am a supporter, not a member’).
I like hawks. They are graceful in flight, but awkward on the ground, so you don’t feel like you have to hate them for being better than you at everything, including walking. As an added bonus, most of them will gladly eat any rat it finds for dinner, thus cutting down on vermin and reducing the risk of rodent-spread diseases. They don’t bother to try to imitate human speech, though, so a hawkish statement is more like an indignant squawk with fluffed feathers. I don’t have any feathers, but this is for my entry, anyway. SQUAWK!
~Nony Mouse
Nony Mouse’s Picture


16.
Name: BerkeleyChick (aka Reva)
Hawkish Statement:
A popular liberal slogan I see a lot is “Regime Change Begins at Home.” Well, I’ve decided that they’re right–and I’m starting right here in Berkeley. So in my picture I’m standing in front of the Institute of Governmental Studies, where I have proudly placed a Bush sticker on their sign, mocking their ultra-liberalism. Armed only with a patriotic t-shirt and my razor-sharp wit (because sadly I cannot buy a handgun in this terrible state for another two months), I am prepared to challenge hippies and college professors alike, destroying their poorly articulated arguments for socialism with my clever rhetoric and complicated analogies involving class systems, woodland creatures, and, oddly enough, sporks. I’m just trying to do my part to make the country a little safer by taking care of these internal threats, so that our kick-ass armed forces can focus on protecting us from the bad guys outside America. Because while moral support for the military is always needed, I’m sure they appreciate an old-fashioned civilian bitchslap every once in a while, too.
Reva’s Picture


17.
My name: Beca Green AKA Miss Beca
my website: www.ministryofevil.com (not updated in ages, though)
My statement:
When you think about it, liberal peaceniks and monkeys actually have a lot in common. The screech, bite, and throw crap, but when I finally get fed up enough to smack one, suddenly I’m the bad guy. As if refusing to give up life and liberty is somehow a bad thing. Idiots.
Don’t get me wrong; I don’t hate liberals per se. Actually, I have a sick sort of fascination with the type of mind that can hear terrorists say “we are coming to kill you” and decide that, oh, poor Osama just wasn’t hugged enough when he was little. That decides that a good rousing chorus of “Kumbaya” will make everything right as rain. That insists that when Americans get blown to smithereens, it is somehow their own fault. Such an amazing disconnect from the forces of reality is really spectacular to behold.
The hatred doesn’t show up until those who hold such silly ideals come to enforce them on me and mine. Well, they say, I feel that it’s this or that. I feel, I feel, I feel. Well, Bucko, you’ve got your feelings, I’ve got my 12-gauge. We’re both happy. Now shut up.
Miss Beca’s Picture


18.
War is an amazing event created simply for the purpose of domination. It is what has allowed the greatest country in the history of the world to maintain its superpower status for over 50 years, all thanks to the skills and leadership of the United States military forces. Although combat does result in the loss of life, those who die for the sake of America and the freedoms she guarantees are undeniably some of the most selfless and respected people in the world. Some countries have yet to feel the overpowering strength that is the U.S. armed forces, but when that time comes, they will understand why the entire continent of Europe forfeited any claim to influence or power in the world so many years ago. God bless America, and God bless our troops.
~Carissa aka BerkeleyGirl
Carissa’s Picture


19.
To Frank J. and the other esteemed judges:
Thank you for allowing me to try out for the opportunity to fulfill my life-long (well, month-long) dream of being the IMAO T-Shirt Babe.
This will allow me to do my small part to let the world know that you do not disparage, taunt, or mess with the US without severe life-eliminating consequences and also that we will not be led around on a leash by the UN.
I am an extremely conservative Republican. I love George W. Bush and despise terrorists, monkeys, and France (and I am no longer too keen on Spain either).
And in case that isn’t enough: I want all terrorists dead. Very, very dead. (Simian-type animals also, Frank.)
~Teri Rabinek
Teri’s Picture


20.
There are many reasons why I should be voted IMAO’s t-shirt babe (or at least first runner-up in the event the winner is tragically rendered unable to complete her reign due to mysteriously breaking both her legs in a freak accident)….
I, Jonag, should be elected because of my increasingly successful attempts to defeat liberalism by out-breeding them. As we all know, liberals like to abort their babies or at the very least give birth to only 1.7 children per liberal household. I have, as of this writing, given birth to 4 future conservative Republicans. I have also devoted my life to their indoctrination by homeschooling them (which allows me to fill their minds with ideas from great thinkers such as Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Frank J. Fleming, not to mention John Adams, Patrick Henry and Thomas Jefferson). At this rate, within 30 years, my little conservatives will have given birth to their own little conservatives, thus increasing my Republican progeny at least 4 fold. And in 50 years… well you do the math (Frank!).
I have also been thwarting liberalism by engaging in a monogamous, heterosexual marriage for the past 17 1/2 years and doing so quite happily (which really torques them).
Not only should I win, I outright DESERVE to win! All the other contestants are too young and therefore are still in training for true conservative womanhood. I, on the other hand, am already living it and have begun to pass it on to the next generation! Remember….Choose wisely.
~Jonag
Jonag’s Picture


Now it goes to the judges:
Me
Doug the T-shirt Guy
Emperor Darth Misha I
Harvey
Bill Whittle
Blackfive
John Hawkins
Glenn Reynolds
Contest Winner No One of Consequence
I’ve turned off comments so there will be no influencing the judges. Each will pick their top five ranked (5 points for first place to one point for fifth place on a jusge’s ranking), and hopefully there will be no tie so there won’t be some messy runoff. Since these bloggers can be busy (and I need time to make my picks), I’m giving the judges the weekend to send it their votes. The winner will be revealed Monday morning.
Good luck to all the contestants. May the best babe win.
(for reference, here are is the original contest announcement)

Debriefing

Use X-1.
8b 03 cb dd 2a 15 a7 3a 1b 84 2f dc 3b 93 64 dd
a1 f6 42 d9 58 e6 cd 02 59 f9 25 6f 0b 44 07 ca
c5 0a d3 59 de d8 50 7e 0f f7 57 a0 43 77 1b 1a
4c f2 c6 a7 2d 11 3d da c7 b1 d6 ce 1e 42 7f f7
b3 14 95 a8 9b 7f 7e 4a be be 7e 04 32 fe f3 c3
ad f2 2d f1 b8 91 36 47 f1 af 5f 13 3e bb 9b 62
71 e4 a3 b6 73 06 35 24 dc c3 89 3b 42 b8 1e d4
17 11 cc d1 88 a4 99 9f 7f d3 2e 2e 9c aa 00 a1
e5 e9 70 47 27 72 e6 2a 97 42 bd 04 17 7e 43 0f
c5 f4 c0 92 53 1f 03 b8 cd 99 49 9d 1f ca 50 62
35 ed 39 04 2f 58 58 bb 5f fe f6 62 dd 0a d7 54
a0 fe 11 14 86 64 85 3e 35 36 c3 cf b1 f4 70 c9
69 dd 2d 1d 7e f5 b7 b4 cf c9 68 59 7b c4 98 c4
0b 3b 56 3e 67 85 d5 07 c1 82 c1 b0 3e 56 36 6b
7e ef 81 4f 55 de 30 af 26 9e 67 6c f2 07 a9 06
2c d6 51 61 5f 8b a0 18 47 29 56 3b d9 90 ab 18
a3 38 e6 c0 8e 4e 78 a3 f4 47 3f 65 1f 5b bb e6
5b b0 2b af 7f d8 a8 6e 62 5d a3 95 47 8b 82 88
76 e2 3e

Frank Answers: College Choice, the Kerry Virus, Post-Mortem Intelligence Tests, and the Real Reason Hitler Comitted Suicide

Because you’ve all been some good readers, here are some Frank Answers™.


Bryan, who is from Sarramento, writes:
My name’s Bryan and I’m from Sacramento. Since I view your opinion as fact, I’ve decided to ask you which university should I attend next year: UC Berkeley or UC San Diego?
I’d be majoring in computer science and have been accepted to both.

Let’s see.

Heads. That means UC Berkeley.
There, I have spoken! If you do not go by my advice, your future will be worthless! You might want to ask BerkeleyGirl and BerkeleyChick about it to get yourself prepared. I think they go to Berkeley (BTW, everyone will finally get to see what they look like tomorrow).
Wes asks:
If John Kerry were to be split in two, would one be conservative and one liberal, or would they just be twice as liberal as before? Also, if it’s the latter, and if they were to be rammed into each other at high speed, could a critical mass of liberalism be achieved?
Also, if John Kerry was cultured into viral form, how would he be transmitted, and what symptoms would the he have?

If John Kerry were split in two, he would probably bleed to death. As for ramming the two halves together at high speed, that’s just silly.
The John Kerry virus would probably be like Alzheimer’s, but only make you forget your political positions. I’m not sure how it would be transmitted, but I’d hope we’d have biowar task forces to keep it from getting airborne.
Jason H from Austin, Texas, land of road kill and living hippies, writes:
Frank, I noticed that the US Marines are now kicking serious ass in Iraq. I’m curious, what do you think the IQs are of the insurgers? Unfortunately, we can’t give them an IQ test because they’ll be dead. Is there any other way of finding out the average intelligence of the insurgers? Thanks.
Technically, the IQ of a dead insurgent is 0, but, if you want to know what their marginally higher intelligence was before they got a Marine welcome, I think there is a method to measure IQ based on the pattern of how their brains splattered on the wall.
Then again, maybe I’m thinking of the Rorschach test. Those ink blots always looked like splattered brains to me.
Jason asks:
Frank, I just mentioned Hitler’s suicide in a previous e-mail to friends of mine. It got me thinking. Is it possible that Hitler killed himself because he had been married just an hour or so before or was it really because the Soviets were 300 yards away from his bunker? I think some historians are overlooking the ‘marriage quotient’ in Hitler’s death.
To answer that, I’ll have to use the scientific method and get married to see if that makes me suicidal.

This may take some time. I’ll get back to you.


Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Final Reminder

Okay, babes, you only have until… noon? I thought I set the deadline at midnight. Anyway, what I said before stands, you have until noon today today to get your entry in for the contest. No late entries will be accepted. Also, make sure you got a confirmation e-mail from me for an entry you did send in. Tomorrow I will post all the entrants and send it to the judges (which includes me). So, to those who still haven’t gotten your entries in, get your asses in gear! To those who have, good luck.
Tomorrow will be a big day…

Frank Suggestions to Improve John Kerry’s Campaign

Things are looking pretty dour for John Kerry right now, and everything he does seems to make it worse. First there is his attempt to hold two simultaneous but conflicting positions like being for and against the war, for and against funding the troops, etc. He won’t even need Bush for the Presidential debates; he could just do them Gollum style, making a statement, and then rebutting vehemently right after.

“We must fund the troops in Iraq!”
Camera angle on Kerry changes. “No! I hateses funding the nasty troopses!”

And now he’s attacked Bush about his National Guard service – a story that played out months ago – after he said he was against such petty attacks. Really, presidential candidates are supposed to leave such sniping to subordinates; it’s almost seeming like it’s amateur hour at the Apollo with Kerry now.
I guess it’s Frank to the rescue.
Yes, I want the Democrats to lose, and to lose so big it wipes out their “Bush was selected not elected” delirium. So big that they cry. So big that they actually follow through on their threats to move to France. Still, I just can’t stand idly by and watch a train wreck, so here are my ideas to help the Kerry campaign:
* Get Rid of the French-Lookingness: This is a hard one, but essential. Instead of a suit, wear a leather jacket and sunglasses. Mess up that thousand dollar haircut of yours. Then, grow some stubble. If you can’t grow stubble because of that Botox stuff, then have a Hollywood makeup artist give you some.
* Stop Talking: You seem to put your foot in your mouth trying to explain your odd positions, so don’t talk at all. Be this mysterious, gruff looking individual of few words. Respond to most questions with a grunt or a “whatever”. This moves you from aloof – which people hate – to apathetic – which is cool. If someone keeps pestering you with a question, instead of coming up with a lame dodge by attacking Bush, intimidate the individual. For example:

REPORTER: “Senator Kerry, did you or did you not throw your own medals over a fence in protest?”
MO’FO’ KERRY: “Who f**king cares? What I do know, if you keep bothering me about it, I’m going to throw my fist in your face.”

The average Joe – or even the average Steve – would really respond to that.
* No More Mentioning That You Served Vietnam: Okay, dude, we all know you served in Vietnam and are getting tired of you bringing it up, but there’s a better way to mention it. Instead of saying, “By the way, I served in Vietnam”, phrase instead as “I’ve killed people before.” Said in a low, menacing voice, it’s also a good dodge to questions.
* Pick a VP that Makes You Look Good in Comparison: Since everyone think you’re haughty and aloof and uncharismatic, pick a VP that’s even more haughty, more aloof, and less charismatic. But who…
Al Gore! He’s even already got VP experience. He might be really tired of it, though, so if you get elected and you see him playing with garroting wire, don’t turn your back on him.
* Use Reverse Psychology: Usually political ads say why you should vote for one guy or why you shouldn’t vote for another guy. That’s old and tired. If you want to be cool, have an ad where you say, “I’m John Kerry and… know what? F**k this. I don’t even want your stupid vote. I’m outta here.” Then just walk off camera. And people will be like, “That guy is cool! He doesn’t even care if we vote for him! I’m going to vote for him!” It will totally work.
* Wrestle a Bear: Only a badass could wrestle a bear. And then you’ll have something to talk about other than being in Vietnam. No matter what policy question someone asks you, you can be like, “Hey! I wrestled a bear! I can handle that podunk crap!”
* Keep Bill Clinton in His Place: Using his new book, Bill Clinton is going to try and steal the spotlight for himself to the detriment of Democrats in general. You need to have a public meeting with him and then stomp his ass. Be like, “I’m the leader of the Democrats now, bitch!” He might call on Hillary for help, and I’ll leave that up to whether you take her on. I hear that in a fight she’s all nails and teeth.
* Improve General Badassery: If people are going to take you seriously as a president who can handle the war on terror, you need to be a complete and total badass. Instead of doing the usual politician thing of shaking hands and kissing babies, be like, “Keep your damn hands away from me!” and “Get that ugly baby out of my face!” People will be like, “Damn! That guy is a badass. To once think I believed he was haughty and aloof.”
So, Kerry, the choice is yours. You can either known as “John Kerry, the haughty, french-looking Massachusetts Democrat, who by the way served in Vietnam” or as “John F’n Kerry, badass loner of few words who’s killed people and, by the way, wrestled a bear”. Not much of choice, huh? I’d almost vote for you if you were the latter, except that I’m pretty sure you’d raise my taxes. By the way, I don’t care if you wrestled a bear: if you raise my taxes, I kick your ass.
I wonder if that could be a campaign slogan…

Our Military X – Vietnam and the Counter Culture

I’m just going to have one story today, as it’s longer than usual and more serious than most. This was sent in by a reader and is an interview she did in 2001 of her father about his involvement in Vietnam and the Counter Culture (such as joining Vietnam Veteran’s Against the War). It’s well worth a read.
I still have a number of more stories left to print for future editions, but I still want more to keep this feature going. So, if you have one, e-mail me with the subject “Military”. Thanks.


David was born in 1950, a middle child of 28 children in a Mormon family, sharing blood with approximately 14 of them. He experienced his childhood in general poverty, moving between living with relatives, orphanages, and Indian reservations. He dropped out of high school in 1969 to enlist in the Army, and served until 1971. In 1974 he married Deborah, and started on his first of three children. In 1976 he joined the Army Reserves. Now he is a computer programming consultant for several companies, and an avid sailboat Captain and sailing instructor.
This interview is being conducted by Megan [his daughter], and it covers the late 1960’s through the early 1970’s, specifically David’s involvement in the Vietnam War and the Counter Culture, as well as the Civil Rights Movement. The Vietnam war was not one that we declared, but one that snowballed out of control. In 1954 the Vietnamese defeated the French, and the Geneva peace conference “temporarily” divided Vietnam into a communist north and a non-communist south, with an election scheduled to elect a single Vietnamese government. The United States then organized SEATO, the Southeast Asia Treaty Organization to contain Asia. In 1964 Congress passed the Gulf of Tonkin Resolution, authorizing the President to wage undeclared war. By 1966 America had 275,000 combat troops in Vietnam, one year later that number totaled 485,000, and in 1969 the number reached it’s maximum of 543,000. At the same time a new lottery system was created to reduce the number of draftees by two thirds, and Congress repealed the Gulf of Tonkin Resolution the next year. A cease fire began on January 27, 1973 confirming the American withdrawal from Vietnam. The Counter Culture consisted of several different types of ideas, but most of the people involved were known as hippies. Those who were seriously involved in the counter culture shunned the middle class American way of life, while many were kids expressing their personal alienation by sampling drugs and listening to psychedelic music. The Civil Rights movement also occurred in this era, allowing for minorities such as Blacks and Women to finally voice their oppression to an audience.
DAVID. I dropped out of the 11th grade in high school to enlist for three years in the Army. I was stationed in Vietnam for 3 combat tours. A combat tour is 6 months long. While in Vietnam, I joined an organization named ‘Vietnam Veterans Against the War’. You may directly infer from this that the counter culture was even having an impact over there. I used to joke with people after returning to “The World” that perhaps we could have won the war if I hadn’t been a doper over there. In retrospect, it may not have been such a joke. A lot of us were users of something or other. It was all cheap and super easy to get. It is real likely that it was so readily available because our adversaries were the principal suppliers. My rank was Sergeant E-5. Job description – Radio Teletype Operator Team Chief – Skill Development Base. This last thing meant that my non-commissioned officer rank was awarded me by attending school as apposed to earning it in the field. While stationed overseas, I never worked at the job I was trained for. Instead, the positions I held were as follows: Telephone lineman – String wire on telephone poles, Water truck driver, NCO in charge of company communications, Door Gunner on Huey helicopters (not gun ships), Manager of unapproved company level NCO lounge, Stock control clerk – Inventory guy.
Received honorable discharge in 1971 but there was a code on my discharge papers that marked me as a doper. After marrying your mom, I re-enlisted in the Army reserve as a computer programming specialist. Received a truly honorable discharge with no little codes marking me as a bad guy. However, the job description I held required a security clearance which I never could get. When a government tells you to turn yourself in and they won’t hold it against you; they are lying.
MEGAN. What caused you to drop out of high school and join?
DAVID. Hormones, a constant war with your grandmother, three older brothers had been in Army, school sucks, no role models, hated getting up in morning.
MEGAN. What changed between when you dropped out and when you joined Vietnam Veterans Against the War that made you change your mind?
DAVID. Peer pressure. Being in country. Immature before I enlisted; a different kind of immature when I joined VVAW.
MEGAN. Were you a minority or a majority for choosing to go instead of being drafted?
DAVID. The majority of enlisted people were drafted.
MEGAN. From the list of positions you gave me, why did you go from what I assume to be an honor of being a non commissioned officer to a manager of a lounge to stocking shelves?
DAVID. In all cases, I kept the NCO rank. The positions were various jobs I was assigned to. The short answer is that I wasn’t reliable, trustworthy, or capable. The actual jobs I did can’t really be ranked in an apples to apples comparison. The NCO lounge manager was the best job I did; right up to where I quit. The most fun was the door gunner job. I had left out NCOIC (NCO in charge) of communications.
MEGAN. Did the training you received in school start you in the field of computers that you are currently in?
DAVID. No. Had an interest in them; probably because I don’t like arithmetic. Went to a computer technical school after I left the service the first time. I had used up all my unemployment from being in the service; all the money I’d saved in the service, and the GI bill was the only source of money available at the time short of getting a job.
MEGAN. What specifically was your involvement in the Vietnam Veterans Against the War?
DAVID. Just sent money for membership and joined. No active participation.
MEGAN. Did it effect the way others on your tours treated you?
DAVID. No. Didn’t really advertise joining.
MEGAN. How did getting dope from the enemies work? How did you know when to buy from them vs. when to fight them?
DAVID. The enemy and the friendly all looked alike. Drugs were purchased on the black market. It was pretty much the same kind of supply chain that exists in the U.S. for buying drugs today.
MEGAN. What was the general opinions of the other soldiers of the Vietnam war?
DAVID. I can’t answer this. I think the majority were level headed conscientious people doing what was required of them. Just a way higher percentage than normal either did dope or booze.
MEGAN. What was your opinion on the war?
DAVID. Came away believing that the only way of winning a war was total annihilation of your enemy. That is every mother, father, son, or daughter that is your enemy or can grow up to be your enemy must die. This proposes a dilemma. How can you wage war and be humane?
MEGAN. Is this what decided you against the war?
DAVID. No. Total lack of support of the U.S. at virtually every level; including our government.
MEGAN. Did the Vietnam war make you more politically aware?
DAVID. Not really. I’m still not very astute.
MEGAN. What were your main objectives over there?
DAVID. I personally had no objectives. It is a side affect of being a doper.
MEGAN. What was a typical day like, what did each job entail?
DAVID. Hot. Wet. Finding drugs. Buying drugs. Using drugs.
MEGAN. Was there any protesting taking place?
DAVID. Not that I was aware of.
MEGAN. Did you ever refuse to perform an assignment?
DAVID. No. You can be totally incompetent in the military so long as you are never insubordinate.
MEGAN. Did anyone over there foreign or domestic agree with the U.S.
presence?
DAVID. Someone must have.
MEGAN. Were Vietnamese women as readily available as the movies portrayed them to be?
DAVID. Probably more so.
MEGAN. How and Did the war change you?
DAVID. To the extent that it got me off the Indian reservation and out into the world, it changed me a lot.
MEGAN. Did you ever have to take life?
DAVID. Don’t know. Shot up a lot of trees and rocks when I was a door gunner though.
MEGAN. Did it get easier to take life over time?
DAVID. Seems to me that however much you respect your own life and place value on it determines how easy it would be to takes someone else’s. Two things muddy this up a little. They are an innate fear of the unknown after death or if you can hate someone else enough to take the one truly precious thing they have. This latter was said well by Clint Eastwood in the movie Unforgiven. He tells the kid that killing is taking from a man all was, is, or will ever be. I am paraphrasing here. Watch the movie; the actual quote is better.
MEGAN. Were you ever concerned that civilian life was being taken?
DAVID. No. Civilian life is really a funny sort of concept. If your politicians and your taxes support your military; if you support the actions of your military; just how civilized are you?
MEGAN. Was the war what you were bargaining for when you signed up?
DAVID. Since I wasn’t bright enough to foresee any future for myself, there was nothing that I was bargaining for.
MEGAN. How would you compare the military then as to now?
DAVID. I really can’t. I have no expertise on today’s military. It seems to be far more high tech and there appears to be a desire to wage war without casualties. We don’t seem to want to fight.
MEGAN. Do you see any similarities between then and what is happening now?
DAVID. Yes. We weren’t committed to winning at any cost then or now. Nor were we in Korea or the Gulf war. We essentially have lost every war we have fought in since WW2. We claim victories in every engagement except Vietnam but in truth, the same enemies with the same agendas are still there and fighting against us even after we call ourselves winners and go home.
MEGAN. What do you think of our governments handling of foreign relations?
DAVID. I am far more impressed with the foreign relations of Ghengis Khan, or the Roman empire with their 500 years of peace, or the British government when they dominated the oceans of the entire world for as many years. When a Roman Centurion was killed, ten of the Roman enemy was killed to avenge his death. That was foreign policy. If we implemented that policy after 09/11/2001, that would require us to kill 60,000 of those aligned against us. So… Is that justice? Bin Lauden believes so. How best can we demonstrate to him the consequences of his beliefs?
MEGAN. How did your service to our country effect your life?
DAVID. Got me away from home. Got me the GI bill for education. Afforded me the opportunity to go down a path that didn’t exist where and when I grew up. Was able to pass GED test for high school. Don’t believe I ever would have completed conventionally. Picture yourself in my place with no one pressuring you to finish.
MEGAN. Did it make your more responsible, compassionate, bitter, etc…?
DAVID. Marriage is what really did all those things for me. Until then I was pretty much a tumbleweed with IQ to match.
MEGAN. Would you recommend the service for today’s youth? Why or why not?
DAVID. Yes. Everyone needs to work. I’m all in favor of anyone that wants adventure and can’t afford to pay for it, joining. It would be good for some, bad for some, but at least they’d know.
MEGAN. Where do you think you would be in your life had you not joined?
DAVID. This is a fallacy of logic called arguing from a hypothesis. It is equally feasible that I could have become a felon, or a teacher, or a mercenary, or a street person.
MEGAN. What was your opinion of how Americans received the returning veterans?
DAVID. I never took it personally though I know that many did.
MEGAN. How were you received personally by those that knew you?
DAVID. Like a returning soldier that they were proud of and glad was back.
Particularly since some thought I was a far better candidate for jail when I went in.
MEGAN. Did you lose many friends to the war?
DAVID. Every friend I made that I lost track of was lost. None died that I’m aware of.
MEGAN. What about the vietnam war makes it hard for you to talk about?
DAVID. Nothing any more.
MEGAN. What do you think makes it hard for others to talk about their experiences?
DAVID. Either shocked at what they did; didn’t do, saw, didn’t see, behaved, didn’t behave. A saturday evening sitting in front of the TV getting fat may well kill you, but it surely doesn’t test your fiber or beliefs.
MEGAN. Did doing the drugs make it easier or harder to cope in retrospect?
DAVID. People who do drugs aren’t really coping; they are turning their brain off.
MEGAN. Was that your opinion then?
DAVID. Yes.
MEGAN. Were you involved with the counter culture before leaving for the war?
DAVID. No.
MEGAN. When you came home?
DAVID. I moved in those circles but was pretty much outside them too.
Harken back to image of brainless tumbleweed.
MEGAN. Did the civil rights movement of the 60s affect you? How?
DAVID. Yes. Not directly. Didn’t consider it my problem. Was perfectly willing to believe black people did have a problem.
MEGAN. Did your beliefs mirror those of the counter culture?
DAVID. Probably not. My favorite author was Ayn Rand.
MEGAN. Were you involved in the war when the Viet Congs Tet offensive
occurred?
DAVID. Tet offensive was 1968. I joined 1969. First tour in Nam was early 1970. This was an event that even me in my turned off ignore everything daze was aware of.
MEGAN. Was it a factor in your joining the VVAW?
DAVID. No.
MEGAN. Do you remember Martin Luther Kingπs assassination? And how did if effect you and those around you?
DAVID. Yes. Not at all. I didn’t identify with people who were passionate enough to assassinate someone nor with the victims either.
MEGAN. Was there racial tension over there?
DAVID. Perhaps. My black friends could call me a honky because I didn’t care but I couldn’t call them niggers because they did care.
MEGAN. What was your opinion of Nixon and his foreign policies?
DAVID. Voted for him every time he ran from when I was in the 6th grade.
Would have voted for him again.
MEGAN. Did you get to watch Armstrong walk on the moon when your were over there?
DAVID. Saw the TV pictures. Your grandmother never did believe it was real.
MEGAN. What was your most dangerous assignment/ job?
DAVID. Door gunner.
MEGAN. What made the door gunner job the most fun, if fun can be used to describe anything that went on?
DAVID. Why did you like jumping out of a plane or being at the helm with a rail buried in the water?
MEGAN. Did you use the same guns as Rambo?
DAVID. Don’t know what Rambo used. Used an M60 machine gun mounted on a pivot with butterfly triggers and every 5th round of 7.62mm ammo a tracer.
MEGAN. Same gun. Were you ever in any harry situations? What happened?
DAVID. Not really. They mortered the flight line a mile away while an idiot Sgt. 1st class had us all standing in close formation to give us hell for not going to the bunkers. Airlifted a Thai soldier out of an LZ once that was shot in the back pretty bad. I fired a lot of suppression fire with no one firing back. Almost crashed a helicopter once because I didn’t tell the pilot he was letting the tail come around to engage a tree. It was my job to do that but even now I have a tendency to just let a bad thing happen and see how it comes out.
MEGAN. Do you owe your life to anyone, or does anyone owe you their life?
What happened?
DAVID. Sure. My family, those that brought me and those that I leave.
Especially you. You are my future and my pride.
MEGAN. Do you feel anger against our government for lying to you about disclosing your drug use?
DAVID. Not at all. They really had no choice either.
MEGAN. What were you at war with Grandma about?
DAVID. She was a bright headstrong willful person who had been kicked in the teeth her entire life. I inherited many of her tendencies.
MEGAN. Do you ever wish you had stayed home and finished high school?
DAVID. Not really.
MEGAN. What kind of immature were you when you joined the VVAW? Are you mature now?
DAVID. Well, obviously, the same kind as you. I couldn’t formulate a tactful question, even if it was a multiple choice question with one answer given. Is it true that is how they get you artist types to pass tests in college? Now I am very mature because you can no longer get me to rise to the bait of this kind of question.