I wanted to write a long a speech today, but I always feel a bit pompous when I try to be serious for too long. All I really want to say is that I have been blessed with a great life, and though some of it is from my own hard work, most of what I have now comes from the efforts of those before me, both my loved one and those I’ve never known. The sacrifice of our troops throughout American history has ensured and continues to ensure we have a free country where what one dreams, one can achieve. I have a debt to them I can never pay back, but I vow to do my best to try.
Today, make sure to send your prayers to those who stand between their loved homes and the war’s desolation. There’s much more at stake then many would want to admit, and, in the least, there are our troops own lives and the lives of their family at risk.
Blackfive has much more to say about a friend of his who made the ultimate sacrifice for his country and for others and caused Blackfive to start blogging in the first place. Please go read it.
God bless.
Archive of entries posted on May 2004
Have a Great Memorial Day Weekend
I’m going to take a break for the weekend (though that’s not a promise I won’t post anything; I’m going to try and have something for Memorial Day and I’ve been wanting to put up some music reviews). Everyone have a great weekend and hopefully next week I’ll have the modeling photos from the IMAO T-Shirt Babe, SarahK (plus, wasn’t I promised some from the Berkeley girls?). Also, I’ll be even funnier and more poigiant when I return. Also, I’ll finally put up some more military posts using the e-mails graciously sent to me.
Later, ronin.
BTW, the previous post is now a caption contest since there’s already some hilarious captions in the comment section.
Some Religions Need to Take Better Care of Their Clerics
Geez, what’s it with radical Muslim clerics?
“Arrr! I be a Muslim cleric, mateys!”
Most seem to be blind (and you know what your parents told you will make you blind), though this one here is missing an eye and a hand. So, is it that the handicapped tend to become clerics in the Middle East as spewing hatred is the only job available to them, or do they get handicapped after becoming a cleric as God keeps hitting them with lightning bolts? And why don’t they do the suicide bombings? They’re missing all those limbs so they’re already halfway to being completely blown apart.
Next time we capture a blind cleric, it would be funny to see how long we could keep him from finding out he’s been captured. Put him in a cell, but tell him he’s actually in front of his followers, and see if he’ll give a whole Jew-hate’n speech to the concrete wall. Tape it, and you could have an America’s Funniest Home Video right there.
A Glaring Omission
Derbyshire has an article about how 1979 is perhaps one of the most pivotal year in modern history, but completely neglects to mention the most significant event of that year: me being born.
I expect more from him…
Know Thy Enemy: Al Gore
Everyone has heard about Al Gore’s insane tirade yesterday, but is he really now so insane that’s he’s a menace to society? To find out, I had my crack research team find out whatever they could about the one know as Al Gore.
FUN FACTS ABOUT AL GORE
* Al Gore’s father was also a U.S. Senator and his mother is a wooden plank.
* Many say Gore got his personality from his mother.
* Al Gore hugs trees because his parents never hugged him.
* Once when Al Gore was at McDonalds, the cashier accidentally gave him a large fry instead of the SuperSize™ fry he ordered. Gore then proceeded to demand the CEO resign.
* Don’t let Al Gore near any elections, because he’ll try and steal them.
* His programming was specifically for him to be a politician. Now that he no longer is one, he’s gone rogue.
* Some say that Al Gore is an emotionless, killer cyborg, while other say he is more of an android.
* If you turn on a microwave while Al Gore is near, he’ll suddenly start singing showtunes.
* Al Gore spent most of his vice presidency trying to keep Clinton away from his daughters.
* Al Gore’s rage wasn’t well known during the 2000 election, but it’s said that sometimes he’d short circuit during the campaign trail and take out an entire town.
* Part of the reason Al Gore gave such an insane tirade yesterday is because a refrigerator magnet was stuck to his head.
* Most aren’t sure why Al Gore singled out Rush Limbaugh in his recent speech, but it may be go back to the time Rush Limbaugh killed his father.
* Due to his huge obsession with porn, Al Gore invented the internet.
* During the 2000 campaign, Al Gore told a number of stories that weren’t quite true. These weren’t in fact lies, but instead the results of faulty programming in his logic cells.
* Al Gore is bullet proof but vulnerable to EMP blasts.
* Al Gore is obsessed with saving the environment. Eventually he plans to eliminate all cars to save the air and then all people.
* Al Gore was assembled in Tennessee, but has since been rejected by that state after his numerous killing sprees.
* Some say Al Gore is stiff, but he actually has a wide range of movement for a robot.
* When keeping a look out for a killer Al Gore, remember that he may have a beard.
* The only way to destroy Al Gore is to get him to chase you under a hydraulic press. It’s best to keep in memory all the nearest hydraulic presses before hand.
* If his eyes glow red, that means he’s about to charge. Quickly dodge to the side and then counter attack.
* In a fight between Al Gore and Aquaman, Al Gore would grapple Aquaman with his “tree hug of iron” grab, snapping Aquaman’s spine.
* Rumors that Gore was designed by Honda are unfounded.
* What you don’t see in the video of Gore’s speech yesterday is that he slaughtered everyone in the room right after. Good for him.
And Now a Word from Our Sponsors…
I have a few blog ad sponsors who need mentioning. Snarkbait is back and is a great blog you should go check out. Infidel Apparel also is back for a full month; go there so you can get merchandise that proudly declares yourself an “Infidel” in Arabic (and other cool slogans). Finally, Life, Liberty, Etc., my longest advertiser and inspiration for my t-shirt babe contest, is back once again. Time for me to finally buy that “Peace Through Superior Firepower” t-shirt.
Remember, good ronin always check out all the advertisers on IMAO.
Also, I’m thinking of having the next IMAO t-shirt be of Chomps. Please vote in this poll (and only once) so I know how much interest there is. Exact design is to be decided on.
Gore-Bot Gone Wild
Hide your children! Al Gore has gone completely off the rails!
“DESTROY ALL HUMANS! DESTROY ALL HUMANS!”
To think how close we came to having him as president four years ago. Talk about dodging a bullet.
So do you think Gore will drag down Kerry with his insanity? Or will he help Kerry by making him look much more reasonable in comparison? Discuss among yourselves.
Only You Can Prevent Terrorism
There are intelligence reports that more big terrorists attacks are coming to America. So what can the common man do?
Well, I now have a holster so I can conceal and carry two full-size .45’s on me. If I see anything terroristy around… BANG! BANG! BANG! Everyone’s dead.
I also stocked up on bacon. Bacon is to terrorists like garlic is to vampires. Also, it’s tasty and good for an Atkins diet.
Of course, terrorists will probably attack with bombs. So, teach your dog to be a bomb-sniffing dog. The way to do that is to buy a bunch of bombs and keep them around your house so your dog can sniff them all the time.
Also, remember to punch hippies. That discourages terror, especially if after you punch the terrorist, you shout out, “Hey! Any terrorists who are watching! That’s what I’m going to do to you!” Terrorists don’t like to be punched.
If you have any other ideas of what the average citizen can do to fight terror in America, put it in the comments section.
UPDATE: I was just thinking: What happens if the Muslim terrorists team up with the Irish terrorists? We would then have drunken suicide bombers stumbling around and blowing up in random places! We need to stop that from happening.
UPDATE: Readers are right; the best way to fight terrorism is to buy my t-shirt. You don’t support terror, do you?
Frank Suggestions on Using Less Gas
Gas prices are at a record high right now (if you don’t factor in inflation or count other countries), so I thought as a public service I’d list some ways to save gas while getting where you need to go.
Walk
PROS: No costly equipment needed. Powered by renewable fuel source.
CONS: No civilized man has used walking as transportation since the days of the caveman.
Ride a Bike
PROS: Turns human power into quick transportation.
CONS: If you wear bike shorts, people will think you’re gay… and probably be right.
Use Public Transportation
PROS: Use less fuel per capita by riding together.
CONS: Probably get mugged or stabbed… or just wish you were.
Drive a Small, Fuel-Efficient Car
PROS: Keep the convenience of a car while using less fuel.
CONS: Why don’t you just give up and move to France while you’re at it.
Drive an Electric Car
PROS: Uses no gasoline. Quiet.
CONS: After nine hours of charging, it has a range of about eight miles.
Drive a Hybrid Car
PROS: Uses less fuel by combining electricity with gasoline.
CONS: A relatively new technology, so no scientist has been able to show how it causes cancer yet.
Ride a Horse Drawn Chariot
PROS: Look extremely regal as you stand while riding through town. Especially a great way of transportation if you like whipping animals.
CONS: Crashes can be extremely hazardous if someone sticks something in your spokes. I’d only ride one if it has a rollover bar.
Trade Blood for Oil
PROS: You keep making more blood, so why not trade it for the gas you need.
CONS: Some gas station won’t accept blood in trade and thus have a “No Blood for Oil!” sign out front.
Drive a Solar Powered Car
PROS: The power of the sun is free… for now.
CONS: As for what you do at night or on a cloudy day, I have no idea.
Drive a Coal Powered Car
PROS: Uses cheap, clean coal.
CONS: Shoveling coal while driving is almost as distracting as talking on the phone. With the open flame there, you made need a drink to calm your nerves.
Ride a Dog Sled
PROS: Dogs are happy animals and the friends of man.
CONS: Will need to cause some sort of new Ice Age to be able to use a dog sled anywhere… which is harder than it sounds. May chase after people in cat sleds.
Fly a Zeppelin
PROS: You will be master of the skies. Achtung!
CONS: Just don’t smoke near the… Oh! The humanity!
Replace Car Engine with a Hamster in a Wheel
PROS: Will get you about the same horsepower as a Geo Metro with no gasoline.
CONS: Need to keep replacing wood shavings in the engine to keep down the smell. If your engine dies on you, not much you can do without advanced skills in necromancy.
Ride a Segway
PROS: High-tech gyro keeps you upright as you speed down the sidewalks.
CONS: Riding one, you’ll look like a complete goober… a complete goober from the future!
Ride a Bobcat with a Saddle on It
PROS: Quite exotic and will certainly turn heads.
CONS: Angry.
Use a Transporter
PROS: Instantaneous travel gets rid of commute time.
CONS: If a fly gets in there with you, you will become a hideous mutant that looks like Jeff Goldblum. If a monkey sneak in there with you, that could be the start of the planet of the apes.
Use a Rubber Hose and a Breath Mint
PROS: Can keep driving your SUV for little cost.
CONS: None… as long as no one is watching. And make sure to use the breath mint after you get the gasoline.
Let’s Visit Our Friends in the Blogosphere
I don’t do as much blog reading as I used to, and here’s one of the blogs I wish I read more:
Kim du Toit
No better authority on firearms in the blogosphere, plus some some very frank political commentary.
Here’s a great recent piece of him responding to a “You might be a gun nut if…” list. (thanks to Barking Moonbat for pointing it out)
If I Were President: Justification for the War on Terror
I missed the president’s speech last night (I was busy kung fu fighting), but here is what I would have said in his place:
There have been some questions about the War on Terror and specifically our fight in Iraq… mainly from the assholes in the press, but there are some others as well. To those who doubt our mission, I can’t say this emphatically enough: SCREW YOU!
We have lots of smelly, unshaven men who hate nothing more than the American way of life, and I’m not talking about Michael Moore. These people want to kill us for a multitude of retarded reasons, so we have to kill them first. Pretty goddamn simple if you ask me, yet people want to “understand why they hate us.” Frankly, I’m fine with understanding what one ate for lunch from the gaping wound in his stomach. The full understanding can be saved for the anthropologists.
Let me make this clear: When people want to kill you, will blow up men, women, and children and celebrate the deaths by jumping around and yelling like a bunch of deranged howler monkeys, you waste those motherfkers. There are no ifs or buts about it. And you don’t wait for permission from some “international community”. France has about as much relevance on the world stage as a tribe of mountain gorillas (and guess which groups bathes more). And we’re supposed to wait for China to take a break from executing political prisoners to approve what we’re doing?
Here’s my policy on that: fk them!
Most of the countries of the world get the luxury of being a bunch a whiny little bitches because they know that America will actually get the tough s**t done. Frankly, I’m okay with all those pissant countries sitting around and patting themselves on the back while we the American people take care of all the problems in the world. Someone has to be an adult here.
And about angering the Arab world – those people are already a bunch of irrationally angry assholes. Who gives a rat’s ass about whether defending ourselves helps their anemic self-esteem. The only thing they need to know is that, as angry as they get as they eat food donated out of the kindness of our Christian hearts, lifting a finger against us is the surest way to commit mass suicide. Our goal should not be to be liked, it should be to be respected… or feared. Same difference.
So on to Iraq. Saddam was a madman in charge of an entire country. He murdered, he tortured, and, as long as we left him alone, he was free to plot more mayhem. So we took the bitch out; simple as that. You may say that there are plenty of other evil dictators out there, and it’s a good point; we’ll get to them later. But the journey of a thousand miles starts with dragging one disheveled, former dictator out of a hole in the ground. But, when I have my way – and I will because I’m bigger than you – all dictators will eventually be fertilizer or the bitch of some guy named Bubba. It should be our goal to make all countries productive, capitalistic democracies, because those guys won’t attack us whether or not they’re smart enough to kiss our feet.
So Iraq is just a start, and every despot out there better start packing if he knows what’s good for him and every psychotic terrorist better renew his life insurance. Some may say that for every evil terrorist we kill, we create another bin Laden. Well, guess what; we can make bullets and cruise missiles even faster.
Still, there are going to be many Americans against our war in Iraq and other places. If you are one of them, then please write out your reasoned arguments in a letter, put it into a an envelope, address it to “1600 Pennsylvania Avenue”, put a stamp on it, and then SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!
Thank you and God bless.
Frank Suggestions for Bush’s Iraq Speech
With Bush’s poll numbers dropping, his Iraq speech tonight will super-duper important. Thus, I’ll give him suggestions for lines in his speech.
TOP TEN SUGGESTED LINES FOR BUSH’S IRAQ SPEECH
10. “For those who say this war is excessive, I propose a twenty percent reduction in the size of Ted Kennedy’s head and a hundred percent reduction in the sounds coming out of it.”
9. “I’ll hand over Iraq when they leggo my Eggo.”
8. “For those who are vehemently opposed to the war in Iraq, I have this to say to them: I will kill you and your family.”
7. “It wasn’t like Iraq was going to invade itself.”
6. “That mean man Saddam tried to kill my daddy, so I got him good!”
5. “France was really opposed to us invading Iraq, so you know some good would have to come of it.”
4. “I assure you that Iraq will become a full-fledged democracy instead of a quasi-dictatorship like Canada.”
3. “The war has actually been going very well; we just didn’t realize that Iraq would be so damn full of Iraqis.”
2. “As for my opinion on Abu Grahib, I never looked at the pictures because I’m not a pervert. Why? Did you look at them?”
And the number one suggested line for Bush’s Iraq speech…
“I was only doing what Cheney and thus Halliburton was telling me to do; go talk to them.”
In My World: War of the Worlds Part III
“President Bush has not only bungled the war on terror and the handling of Iraq, but he’s now aggravated our alien invaders to the point that they’re threatening to destroy our planet,” the T.V. announced said. “John Kerry knows how to work with the U.N. on terror and alien invasions leading to a more nuanced approach that wouldn’t cause our total destruction.”
“I’m John Kerry, and I’m too nuanced to say whether I approved this message or not.”
Bush shut off the T.V. “Jackass.” He then turned to Condi. “You had a Republican Attack Machine to show me.”
“Follow me.” Condi led Bush to a hidden elevator behind a bookcase. It raced downwards at tremendous speed. After a minute, it finally came to a stop.
“So where are we?” Bush asked.
“Ten miles underground,” Condi told him, “Where are most secret black project are and also the food court… not exactly prime location.”
“Is there an Orange Julius?”
Condi hit Bush in the back of the head. “Keep focused.” She led him through the nearly vacant food court and then used a retinal scan to enter a large vault near the Chick-fil-A.
“There is an Orange Julius,” Bush said as he was pulled into the vault.
“Now, behold the Republican Attack Machine!” Condi announced as she hit a button causing a metal screen to slide open.
Bush stared at the monstrosity. Finally, he said, “It’s just another stupid robot.”
“It’s battle armor,” Condi corrected him indignantly.
“Whatever,” Bush said, taking out his GameBoy.
“It’s got a gattling gun, micro-missiles, and laser cannons!” Condi shouted.
“Yeah, yeah,” Bush said as he played a videogame, “I’m sure it will defeat the aliens and all, I was just expecting something little bit different… more fascinating you know.”
“Well, don’t you want to try it on and defeat the alien menace?” Condi asked.
Bush shrugged his shoulders as he kept his focus on his videogame.
“I swear this is the most high-tech, piece of machinery that ever…”
Condi was interrupted by a warning siren. “There is a foul smell moving at high speed towards New York,” an aide yelled as he ran into the room.
“The French!” Bush exclaimed as he shook his fist. He then turned to Condi. “I’m going to New York to stop their surrender and then fight the evil alien warlord one on one as clichés would dictate. Why don’t you put on your tin can and then destroy the alien mothership.”
“It will be the coolest battle ever,” Condi swore.
“Yeah yeah,” Bush said dismissively as he put on his cowboy had and grabbed his peacemaker. “Time to stop a surrendering.”
Bush ran out of the room, made a quick stop at the Orange Julius, and then headed into the elevator.
“Fine, I’ll wield the greatest destructive force ever myself,” Condi fumed. She then turned to the Republican Attack Machine. “We’re going to kill lots of aliens, aren’t we R.A.M.? We’ll show them! We’ll show them all!”
“See, I told you that through my British wit, Zatoichi’s samurai skills, Chomps’s anger, and Scott’s tubbiness, we would get out of that alien cell.”
“I’m not tubby,” Scott asserted. “So, how are we going to destroy the mothership?”
“When a warrior seeks to defeat his enemy and win in battle,” Ichi intoned, “his greatest weapon is nothingness itself. Such is the way of the void.”
Tony Blair and Chomps nodded in understanding, while Scott exclaimed, “What?”
“What Ichi-san is referring to, chap,” Blair explained, “is that there is probably a core of negative matter inside this mothership that compensates for the ship’s mass and allows it to do interstellar travel. If we could destabilize the core, the negative matter would cause the ship to implode into nothingness.”
“Uh… okay,” Scott said.
“Jolly good. Let’s get to it.”
The surrender mobile speeded through the streets of New York city, a trail of flames behind it. Multiple white flags flapped in the wind as “We surrender!” was blared through the loudspeakers in multiple languages. It soon screeched to a halt in front of the U.N. Headquarters.
When Chirac hopped out of the car, a number of men with assault rifles came to meet him. “Excellent! Our special surrender forces are here!” Chirac exclaimed, “I want you all to split up. Some of you surrender from each sides, others surrender from the rear, some get on the roof to surrender there, while I’ll surrender to the front. Remember, surrender to anyone you see… unless it’s that meddling American president. Then shoot to kill and fight without fear of death. Nothing shall stop the French from the ultimate surrender of all humanity! Nothing! Bwa ha ha ha!”
“Are we talking about that American president?” asked one of the Special Forces, pointing at a man in a cowboy hat.
“Yes! Kill him!”
“Aww, hell!” Bush exclaimed, as he dodged gun fire while running for the U.N. building.
“There is the core of the mothership,” Blair said.
“Guards are coming,” Ichi said.
“Crickey!” Blair shouted, “I think only one of us is capable of holding off the alien guards.” He turned to Scott. “Use your press secretary powers to stall them while Ichi, Chomps, and I destabilize the core.”
“You can count on me!” Scott said firmly.
“Probably not, but cheerio!”
Scott walked forward to the entrance to the room and met the guards. “You’re escaping!” one declared.
“I am out of my cell,” Scott said, “but I don’t know if I would label that ‘escaping’. Prisoners aren’t always in their cell 24 hours a day, but does that mean they’re escaping?”
“Well, did all of you get out of your cell?” a guard asked impatiently.
“What do you mean by ‘all’?”
“Everyone who was in your cell!”
“It’s not really my job to keep track of who is or who isn’t inside my cell.”
“Why did Bush attack Iraqi children,” a hideous creature asked, “What did Iraqi children ever do to him?”
Scott squinted. “Helen Thomas! How did you get here?”
“We’ve destabilized the core, chap!” Blair called out, “Now let’s get the bugger out of here.”
“Kill them!” a guard shouted.
“Aiee!” Scott screamed, “Dodge the laser blast!”
“We’re dodging what now?” Zatoichi asked as Scott grabbed him and lead him through the hole in the wall that Chomps had ripped open.
“We need to find an escape pod,” Blair said.
Suddenly, a wall blew apart. There stood Condi in the Republican Attack Machine. “Time to destroy this place.”
“We already handled that, actually,” Blair said, “We just need a way out of here.”
“But I got all dressed up for fighting and everything,” Condi said mournfully, and then started crying.
“And you look very nice in your battler armor,” Blair told her, “Doesn’t she, guys?”
Chomps barked in approval. “Quite fetching,” Scott said.
“It really flatters your figure,” Ichi said as he faced a wall.
“Okay,” Condi said as she dried her tears, “I’ll lead you to my escape ship.”
“I’m sure you’ll get to kill plenty of people later,” Scott assured her.
“Yeah yeah.”
“Kill the American President!” the French Special Forces shouted as they shot as Bush who was scaling the side of the U.N. Headquarters using a lasso. When he got to the top, more Frenchman were up there and fired at him.
“So long, frogs!” Bush shouted as he crashed through a skylight. “Ow!” he yelled as he hit the ground, “Falling hurts!”
He dusted himself off and ran into the main chamber. There he saw Chirac over the surrender papers with pen in hand. A quick shot from Bush’s Colt .45 splattered ink over Chirac’s face.
“The ancient French surrendering pen!” Chirac yelled, “Why I’ll…”
A quick pistol whip shut him up.
“Kill him!” Xanax orders his guards.
Five more shots and the guards fell dead. Bush then twirled his pistol and put it back into his holster. “Just you and me, Xanax!”
“Fool! My mothership still ensures my victory!” Xanax paused for a second. “What! I’ve lost contact with it!”
“The one thing you should know about Americans,” Bush said, “is that we blow stuff up good. It’s all over, ugly.”
Xanax then held up a flashing device. “If I’ve going down, I’m taking this whole world with me. There’s enough explosive power here to…”
Xanax suddenly fell forward. Standing behind him was Donald Rumsfeld who tossed away a brick. “First round of whiskey is on me.”
THE END
Weekend Reading
If you want something to read for the weekend, Bill Whittle has posted the first two parts of his new essay: Strength (Part I, Part II).
Tell me if it’s any good and maybe I’ll read it.
UPDATE: I got a nice cup of coffee and am reading it now. I’ll get back to you in eight hours.
UPDATE: Done reading it, and I’m sort of speechless as it really has me thinking about a lot of serious things.
Still, I’d like to share you one humorous quote from it that comes from Whittle’s dad: “Bill, if more than three people in your life are utter, total assholes, then maybe it’s you.”
Now go read the essay.
Let’s Visit Our Friends in the Blogosphere
I’ll try to get back to good lunchtime updates, but, for the time being, why don’t I point out other great blogs for you to visit while I try to come up with more material.
Today, everyone go read The Spoons Experience.
Spoooon!
And, if his site is too much for you, get your Spoon Guard!