• I have a new ad in my blog ads. I’d tell you what it’s about, but it’s so neat and mysterious. Anyway, click on it and check it out because it’s pretty cool.
• Right Wing News has a good round up of the human side of President George W. Bush. Makes a stark contrast to the phoniness of John Kerry.
• I’ll have a new secret message for my ronin soon. Wait for it…

Yeah, fisking an e-mail meant for the most partisan Democrats is like shooting fish in a barrel, but it’s Friday and I’m lazy. For reference, I received this one yesterday.

Dear Frank,

They know my name!

On your block there’s a woman named Sue. Like you, she supports John Kerry. Like you, she’s appalled at the future George Bush is creating for her children. But unlike you, she’s not going to vote on November 2nd.

Holy crap! The John Kerry campaign is spying on my neighborhood! How do you know about Sue? I don’t even know my neighbors. They’re mainly seniors and I think they look at me as “that weird twelve-year-old who owns a house”.
So what is this? Are you threatening Sue for not voting? I need to find her and warn her!

Why won’t she vote? Maybe because she doesn’t know where her polling place is. Or maybe it will just slip her mind between getting kids to school and rushing to work. There are millions of people like Sue and they are the folks who will decide this election.

Oh, Sue’s a moron; that’s why she’s not voting. Yeah, sometimes morons do tend to miss those little things called “Presidential Elections” despite all the news coverage since, ya know, they don’t watch or read the news… being a moron.
So morons are going to decide the election? That’s sad… but good for Kerry!

You are the only one who can tell Sue where her polling place is and do whatever ever [Ed. Note: For those who criticize my grammar mistakes, I’m not being paid by a presidential campaign to write this] it takes to get her to the polls on Election Day. If you don’t, who will? The only way we will take back the White House this election is by having Kerry volunteers in every precinct looking for the Sues on their blocks and getting them out to vote.

What if Sue is not a her? What if he’s a boy named Sue? Do you still want him at the polls, or am I supposed to go door to door looking for only female Sue’s? Can I dress up like the terminator when I do it and ask at each door, “Are Sue O’Conner?” and then say, “Come with me if you want to vote!”?
Hey, I got a great slogan for this movement: “If morons get to the polls, Kerry wins.”

Whether you can help for only one hour on Election Day — or full time for the entire campaign — we need you on our team.

I’m planning to keep my help less than ten minutes as I just go and check off anything and everything with an ‘R’ next to its name.

We’re building a field program that gives you what you need to be most effective: plans and direction, materials, training, and connections with other volunteers and campaign staff. This is going to be the most exciting field campaign in a generation.

Wow! That’s exactly what I would need to sabotage the Kerry campaign.
Yes…. hand it over…
You can trust me–

But it won’t happen without you.

Muh ha ha ha!

Are you in?

Sure, I want to do all I can to help Kerry (wink wink).

Will you ask your friends to join us? Forward this email so that they can sign up, too.

I don’t know if you’ll like my friends… but I’ll show them this e-mail (everyone reading it?).

Or take this effort offline by visiting our recruiting center to print signup sheets to bring on board friends, family, and neighbors who might not use the email as frequently as you do. Just click here:
http://www.johnkerry.com/onlinehq/tguide.html

How do you know I use e-mail frequently? All this spying on me is starting to freak me out! Then again, I do like clicking on random hyperlinks…
And I do like ellipses–

Kerry volunteers will be responsible for getting out the vote in every precinct across the country.

Give me all of Florida; I can handle it. I promise!

In addition to saving America by winning this election,

Whoa! Slow down there, Chachi! “Saving” America? Are you implying that without Kerry’s tepid leadership, America will collapse? Yeah, riiiight.

Kerry volunteers are going to have a ton of fun.

Since saving America is not enough to motivate us, you need to promise us fun, too!

Our field program is a chance for all of us to meet others in our communities who share our values and the passion to make a difference.

Kerry supporters have passion? I guess opposites attract.

We’re already more than 600,000 strong, and we’ve set a goal to reach one million this month. The Bush campaign has had four years to build, but we’re quickly catching up. Forward this email and ask your friends to sign up. Or print the signup form right here:
http://www.johnkerry.com/pdf/toolkit_signup.pdf

Don’t worry; I’ll get those next 400,000 for you. Just sit there and wait for me to print out the form.
…I’ll tell you when I’m done. Just wait.

Thank you,
John Norris and Karen Hicks
National Director and Deputy National Director of Field
John Kerry for President

Wow! Are you related to Chuck Norris? Wait, he’s a Republican– and a Texas Ranger.

Please do not reply to this message. To contact John Kerry for President, please click here.

One of these days I’m going to reply to one of these e-mails. Maybe it will crash their whole campaign! Muh ha ha ha!