Back by popular demand, it’s Frank Answers™! I was going to quietly retire this feature as I thought it wasn’t that funny, but apparently lots of people like it. Well, there was a huge backlog of questions, and here are the definitive answers to some.

SarahK writes:
At my apartment complex’s community mailboxes, someone has placed a plastic bag on the wall, and above the bag is a sign asking for donations of AOL CDs, begging people to donate them rather than trashing them. In light of your recent comments about same, I believe these “donations” will be used against you. How should I, a faithful ronin, proceed?
I’m a simple man; I destroy what I don’t understand.
I do not understand this.
Destroy! Destroy!
Mac Diddy from Suburbia, VA writes:
When one comes across the decimal .9999999, in which 9 repeats for ever and ever and ever, many people, including my terminally confused math teacher, believe that it is equivalent to one (1).
That would imply that at one point, a mathematician said “screw it” and decided that instead of the number growing forever closer to one and never quite reaching it, it in fact stopped and rounded itself up.
Now, since this is not true for other repeating decimals (for example,
.88888888 never has to become .8888888889), it makes me think that the only reason so many seem to think that 1.0 and .99999999 are equivalent is that we work with a base-ten number system, and it’s difficult to imagine infinite growth of a number without it ever getting somewhere.
(And yes, I am aware that there is a method by which .9999999 can be reduced to one by multiplying it by ten and then by one and subtracting the difference and then finding the quotient of that number and nine, however, I think that the method is flawed, and that .99999999 is in fact an irrational number, making the repitant decimal rule void for irrational numbers.)
So, whatcha think? Can I rightfully call my math teacher an idiot, while at the same time changing the definition of math as we do now behold it?
The way it was explained to me that 0.9 repeating (referred to hereafter as 0.9999…) is equal to one is that 1/3 is equal to .3333… and three times 1/3 equals one, so three times 0.3333… which is 0.9999… must also equal one.
But this is false.
0.3333… is actually one infinitesimal away from equaling one third, thus three times it would be three infinitesimals away from one. The reason that mathematicians say 0.9999… is equal to one is because they are lazy as evidence by their uncombed hair and how they wear shorts throughout the entire year.
Do not let your math teacher get away with this falsehood! Next time he says that .9999… equals one, stand up, point your finger at him, yell, “Liar!”, and then walk out of the classroom.
Only you can prevent bad math.
Jason H. from Austin, Texas, writes:
Frank, have you noticed that the sky is blue with white clouds and the Israeli flag is white with blue stripes? Could it be possible that every time the Muslims look up they are reminded of the “Zionist conspiracy in the sky” and that’s why they are so angry? Just wonderin’, yo.
Who do you think determined the color of the sky in the first place?
That’s right: the joooos!
Always keep thine eyes at the ground – which is free from joooo tampering – lest thou be drawn into their conspiracies. And, no matter how loud a sound you hear, never look up. That what they want you to do!
Jooooooos!
:: shakes fist ::
Brian T. from Dallas, Texas, writes:
I live in Dallas, Texas. I am in a bad way and I am seeking your advice. There is a Halliburton plant near my house and when I drive to the gun store I see these turds. However I had to stop at the light right in front of them. I drive a 2003 F-250 and they harassed me about “blood for oil”. I responded by asking them if their gas was any cheaper, and stopped bothering me. A week later one of the more violent hippies kicked my truck when I was stopped at the light. I then grabbed my law enforcement jumbo sized (it looks like a small fire extinguisher) and hosed his smelly carcass down. Now I catch hell all the time…so what should I do? Should i counter-protest i.e. “Honk if you hate hippies”, or “Honk if you love IMAO”?
P.S. Yeah, I already thought about running them down with my big truck, but I think the D.A. would have a hard time believing my self defense claim.
I like your asking the hippies if gas prices are cheaper. While that is entertaining to us, using logic against hippies only confuses and enrages them. Spraying them, much like a skunk sprays predators to teach them to leave him alone, was a better method. The problem is that hippies already smell worse than a skunk and are much dumber, so multiple applications of different sprays will be necessary. Try pepper spray and eventually move up to acid. While the hippies will never logically understand that bothering you is bad, their small hippy minds will eventually scream, “Truck bad!” anytime you drive by, and you’ll see them crouch down in a corner cowering.
Or you could just not be such a wussy and run them over. If you get people like Hank Hill on your jury, “They were hippies,” would be a legitimate defense.
Dr. J asks:
So, when will I be able to get my IMAO “Nuke the Moon” VISA card?
I don’t know. How do I get my own special credit cards and how much money would I get from that venture?
BTW, I like any new ideas that get me money as I like money. Oh, and buy my t-shirts.
Uncle Frome from the People’s State of California writes:
OK, I’ve got a combined math & ethics question for you: Can 8+1 ever equal 10? Where I work, the owner sells a 10 lb. (gross weight) box of product, and only puts 8 lbs. of product in it. He even has it say “Net Wt. 8lbs.” on the bottom of the box, as justification of his actions. The hitch is that the box only weighs 1.1 pounds. I can’t believe our customers haven’t weighed an empty box yet, but I have to think it’s a matter of time. I told the boss that this was wrong, that he was cheating people, but he tried to justify it by saying that our competitors cheat their customers, so we have to as well to remain competitive. By that logic, we should start sawing off the heads of our Taliban and Iraqi prisoners with kitchen knives, because they are doing it, right?
All I know, is that if I go to the store and buy a 12-pack of beer and then get home only to find 11 beers in the box, I’m upset and I won’t ever shop at that store again. So can 8+1 ever equal 10? And am I correct in thinking that this is wrong, that our customers are being cheated? Or has the Kerry campaign found a way to disrupt the balance of good & evil in the universe and I should just keep my mouth shut and hope they don’t turn their “ethical adjuster ray” on me? I would really like to hear your thoughts on the matter. Thanks.
Come on; do you think the customers would be happier if they got a two pound box?
I would take this as a learning experience: never trust anyone. They are all out to screw you. Thus, screw them first.
And always check the net weight.
Jason writes:
I was watching Starship Troopers last night and there is line in the movie that goes “Come on you apes, you want to live forever.” My question is this, If not in engage in some kind of mortal combat w/ giant bugs, do apes live forever? Also are apes as bad as monkeys? Also how do you feel about the idea that only people who serve in the Military are allowed to be citizens?
Actually, I’m in the middle of reading the novel Starship Troopers as my brother told me it’s much different from the movie. The book opens with quoting that phrase and crediting to an unknown platoon sergeant from 1918. He must have subscribed to the theory that humans should be placed in the same Family as the Great Apes… or he was just trying to make his platoon angry. And, it’s good to be angry when you’re going to be killing people. Just try killing someone when not angry. Quod Erat Demonstrandum.
Andy Roopinschickenstein from Toronto asks:
Why do my lights go out when I put a gum wrapper in an electrical socket?
Because you live in Canada. Crazy canucks always sticking things in their electrical sockets. Just don’t cause a power grid failure down here again.
Ann, Salt Lake City
My sister, in an odd mood, was trying to put a toy cooking pot on my head, claiming it would turn me into a monkey. I replied, naturally enough, that I don’t want to be a monkey, and she said, “Come on, everybody wants to be a monkey!” I’m very disturbed… What should I do?
It’s always hard when you have to commit a sister, but, no matter what her age, it shows extreme insanity to want to be a monkey. Luckily, electroshock therapy has been proven to cause increased distaste from monkeys. Even though scientists still aren’t sure how it works, putting an electrical pulse through the brain increases monkey hatred. Though this will be distressing to your sister at first, in the end she will be happier… or, if not happier, at least hate monkeys, i.e., be hatier.

Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.