Archive of entries posted on 5th May 2004

The Limey – Episode X: Finale

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STARRING
Tony Pentin as The Limey
Frank J. as American Frank
Created by Stupiud Bastrad Productions
Broadcast by the BBC
Logo by Tom Bux of The Nap Room
Previous Episodes:
Episode I: The Limey
Episode II: Return of The Limey
Episode III: The Red Letter
Episode IV: Jokes and Murder
Episode V: The Lime Turns Sour
Episode VI: Bloody Fascism
Episode VII: Lime Another Day
Episode VIII: The Good, the Bad, and the Limey
Episode IX: Gone with the Lime

The Limey, in preparation for the glorious day of May 1st had written his longest e-mail yet and sent it to the ignorant backwoodsman, American Frank. American Frank was excited when he received the e-mail, but was intimidated by its size. So he decided to wait until after May 1st to see how prophetic the e-mail was. And May 1st did come, and, instead of bringing with it the prospects of summer, it laid the world waste with a bitter winter storm. Secure in his backwoods abode, American Frank typed his last e-mail to the one who knew only as The Limey:

The fool I am! I thought you were a savior, but now I know thee to be a harbinger of doom, limey. A pox on thee, and a pox on your four friends who obviously aren’t just you posting under different names using the same IP.
You were right, Capitalism fell on May 1st, but so did everything else as Capitalism had created them. There are no phones. There are no T.V.’s. The cities are rampant with chaos. What a fool I was to follow you instead of warn everyone of the date you specified, limey! Now the backwoods around my home burn, and all I have is my shotgun – made from Capitalism – to defend me against the roaming hordes of monkeys that have taken over now that society has collapsed.
Where is your socialism to save us, limey? No where! It brings nothing but despair, for all that was great was made by Capitalism, and only in its downfall have I seen its greatness. Well, as your home in Wales burns around you, limey, I hope you realize what a foolish child you are, that the machine you raged against was the hand that fed you. You are but a puppet of the sinister Fascist McFascist, and I hope you burn in Limey Hell, a place where there are never any crumpets to go with your tea.
I have not read your last e-mail; only bitterness would it bring now that America has fallen. I also have banned your four friends who aren’t you but use the same IP as I do not want to be disturbed by the mindless slaves of Fascist McFascist. Maybe there is some hope for you, though. Perhaps you could finally read the poem the Jabberwocky and see the beauty of Capitalism that I had temporarily forgotten, but I do no hold my breath, limey.
This will be the last you hear from me. I have no time for limeys as I try to rebuild Capitalism after you and your “revolutionaries” destroyed it. For I am American Frank, and an American never gives up. When my precious Capitalism is rebuilt, it will produce new and even better guns which me and my compatriots will use to hunt down all the socialists. When all the socialist are dead, we will drink whiskey (made from fermented capitalism) and play video games (also from capitalism). Then, in memory of you, I will throw a lime in the air and slice it in two with my katana (a type of sword invented by capitalistic Americans) and then stomp on one half and spit on the other. Then I will also stomp on the half I spit on. Then I will clean my shoes. Then I’ll play more video games.
Goodbye forever, limey. The destruction you have wrought is only temporary, but socialism will be a fool’s game forever.
Cordially,
American Frank
P.S. I really hope you didn’t believe any of that crap you spewed in all those e-mails you sent me, because you’d have to be the dumbest kid I ever encountered. Oh, and one more thing…
WANKER!

THE END

A Frank Guide to a Cordial Political Discussion

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Most often people will disagree on issues of the day, but just because someone doesn’t think like you doesn’t mean you should call him evil and kill him. That’s what Islamic extremists and the majority of posters at Democratic Underground would do. Instead, following these steps you can have a nice discussion with someone with different viewpoints and both come out of it smarter.
DO consider the merits of viewpoints different to your own.
DON’T throw out your own principles just to be agreeable. No one gains from that.
DO listen carefully to what the other person is saying. Try to understand their different viewpoint.
DON’T use the time while the other person is speaking as just an opportunity to formulate your own rebuttal.
DO try to find areas of agreement no matter how much you differ on an issue.
DON’T compare the other person’s views to Hitler. Hitler was a bad man, and no one likes being compared to him.
DO keep on topic. You’re more likely to learn from each other if you keep the talk focused.
DON’T kick the other person in the groin when he strays. He might forget what you were talking about in the first place.
DO make all disagreements in a friendly tone.
DON’T follow all disagreements with putting the other person’s head through drywall. That gives who you’re talking to no time to consider what you said. Also, it’s hard to repair the drywall and paint over it perfectly to cover up the hole.
DO agree to disagree when reaching a stopping point.
DON’T declare an intifada and blow yourself and the other person up so you can get 72 virgins. You both lose if you do that, and you should focus on finding one nice girl (or guy) in this world.
DO stick to your principles while still considering what the other person says.
DON’T pile drive the other person into a folding table when you find a topic you vehemently disagree on. Though it would be cool, it’s just not civil.
DO back up your statement with facts when necessary.
DON’T punch the other person through the chest, pull out his heart, and show it to him before he dies when you feel run into a corner. That’s usually a non-sequitur to the debate… unless the debate is whether you can actually pull someone’s heart out and show it to him before he dies.
DO make sure not to get caught up arguing minutia.
DON’T burn the other person’s house down over a small disagreement on a fact. Yes, insurance will probably cover it, but he’ll be less likely to listen to what else you say.
DO make sure to not raise your tone of voice no matter how heated things get.
DON’T silently lower the other person in a slow dipping device into a pit full of ravenous monkeys until he admits you’re right. Getting the other person to agree with you through other means that intelligent discussion gains nothing for either party.
DO be willing to admit you’re wrong if the other person is convincing. Admitting you’re wrong can seem painful, but, when you do it, you suddenly become right.
DON’T commit seppuku if you discover you’re wrong on an issue. There are other ways to bring honor to your family.
Follow these rules and you should have some nice, friendly, intelligent discussions. Hooray!