“There are those who say I flip-flop,” John Kerry said at a rally, “and I will say firmly that they are probably not correct.”
The audience cheered for a moment, but was then stunned silent. Kerry then turned around to see hovering craft destroying the building behind him with lasers.
“Jeeves! What is that?” Kerry demanded.
“Appears to be alien attack craft, sir,” Kerry’s butler answered.
“During my rally!” Kerry yelled angrily, “Do they know who I am!”
A laser blast blew up the stage sending him flying through the air.
“Apparently not, sir.”

“Oh, they’re all such good singers,” Bush whined, “I don’t know who to vote for as American Idol!”
Suddenly the image of Simon Cowell was replaced with the hideous visage of an alien being. It had a large green head, bug eyes, and long, sharp, needle-like teeth.
“Ahh! I’m not voting for that guy!” Bush exclaimed.
“I am the evil alien warlord Xanax,” it announced, “Puny beings of earth – especially your masters, the Americans – heed my warning: surrender now or be destroyed.”
“Why does everything have to happen during my presidency,” Bush grumbled.

“I’ve called this emergency meeting in this war room because of the alien attack,” Bush announced.
“Well, duh,” Condi remarked.
“I remember that in Independence Day a president dealt with a similar situation,” Bush said, “and defeated the aliens by connecting to their mothership with a Mac computer and giving it a computer virus. So, is anyone here a Mac user?”
No one raised a hand.
“Dammit!” Bush exclaimed, “Guess we’ll have to use a different strategery.”
Out of the shadows emerged the hooded figure of Karl Rove. “Defeating this alien menace could improve your poll numbers,” Rove stated, “While failing to defeat them could mean the end of humanity.”
“I have seen the poll numbers,” Bush said, “and it almost unanimous that the American people do not want to be enslaved. Why, the ‘No the Blood for the Salvation of Humanity’ protest out front of the White House only got about a hundred participants. Let’s see what are military has to say about this.” Bush put General Abizaid on speaker phone. “We need some troops to take on these aliens.”
“Oh, it’s the military to the rescue once again,” Abizaid said angrily, “We’re already handling Afghanistan and Iraq; can’t you jokers handle one alien invasion yourself?”
“But they’re scary looking!” Bush complained.
“And you’re a little pansy,” Abizaid answered.
“I’ll show you!” Bush yelled, “I’ll handle these aliens all by myself.” He hung up the phone. “Guess we’re on our own. Zatoichi, you’re a blind samurai; you must have some idea how to fight invading aliens.”
“The alien’s support is all behind their leader,” Ichi answered, “If we defeat him, they will be dishonored and leave.”
“Sounds like a place to start,” Bush stated, “So, Rumsfeld, you’re always violent and angry; any ideas on how to defeat the alien warlord?”
“I don’t like this sci-fi crap,” Rumsfeld growled, “Let’s just all grab a brick, smash their heads in, and then go to a bar and get some whiskey. First round is on me.”
“So capture their leader or smash their heads in with bricks,” Bush thought out loud. He was interrupted by the phone ringing. Bush looked at the caller ID. “Dammit, it’s Kofi Anan.” He answered the phone. “What do you want, Coffee?”
“We were negotiating with Xanax, and he is very reasonable,” Kofi answered, “If we agree to surrender, he says he’ll make us leaders work slaves on the nice asteroids.”
“I’m not working on any asteroid,” Bush said angrily.
“Well, Chirac is planning on representing earth in an official surrender to Xanax,” Kofi said, “and you know how adamant the French are about their surrendering.”
“Well, you tell him to hold on or we’ll smash his head in with a brick,” Bush threatened and then hung up the phone. “We can’t let that weasely Chirac surrender earth for us! I won’t be the first president to have humanity enslaved by aliens… and the last.”

“It’s is I, the weasely, foul smelling President of France,” Chirac announced as he entered the U.N. conference.
“Excellent,” Xanax hissed, “Now just sign the papers enslaving all of humanity. And make sure to initial where marked… and do it quickly as the notary public is only here until five.”
Chirac stood near the paper and bent over it ready to sign, but then he stopped. “I don’t think I will sign this.” Chirac stood up and faced Xanax. He then ripped off his mask to reveal he was in fact President Bush. “Instead, I’m going to give you and old-fashioned Texas ass-whup’n!” Bush put on a
“It’s the American President!” Xanax exclaimed angrily.
“And you misunderestimated me!” Bush answered, putting on a cowboy hat and going into a whup’n stance.
A number of alien guards armed with laser rifles rushed out and surrounded Bush. “Did you think it would be that easy!” laughed Xanax, “I’ve conquered many worlds before – some of them inhabited – and you’re simple ‘whup’n’ is no match for my alien technology!”
“Should have gone with the brick idea,” Bush grumbled.

“We surrender to you, our evil alien master!” Chirac yelled as he bowed down.
“My name is Ed, and this my gas station.”
Chirac stood back up. “Are you sure you’re not an evil alien overlord.”
“Pretty sure.”
“That Bush has gotten between me and surrender for the last time!” Chirac swore, “The France has wanted to surrender the whole world since its existence, and I will finally see it through and no one can stop me!”
“So are you going to buy some gas or not?”

“Now that the stupid American president is prisoner on our mothership,” Xanax said as Bush was tossed into a cell, “The world will lose its will to resist and easily fall. Muh ha ha ha!”
The cell door was shut, and the Xanax and the guards walked off. “You may think you captured the stupid America president,” Bush said, and then took off his mask. “But you’ve actually captured his gullible Press Secretary.” Scott McClellan then spoke into his hidden communications device. “Tubby is in the donut factory. I repeat: Tubby is in the donut factory.”
“Good job, Scott,” Bush answered.
“So what’s next?”
“Oh… well… uh… plans are fluid at this moment.”
“You don’t have plans, do you?” Scott exclaimed.
“Well, we figured for whatever plans we are going to have, getting someone on the mothership is a good start. So what do you see?”
“The walls of my cell!” Scott answered with annoyance.
“We’ll start with that. So… you wouldn’t happen to have a nuclear device on you, would you?”
“No!”
“Did you check all your pockets?”
“Yes!”
“Well, Scott, hang in there. We’re going to work tirelessly on a plan to get you out.” There was a pause for a moment. “Yeah, Scott is pretty much screwed, Condi. So, do you want to play foosball? –What? The mike is still on? How do I turn it off. Do I hit this button. Whoops! I think that launched missiles. Well hopefully no one will notice with the alien attack– Oh, so it’s this button to turn off the…”
TO BE CONTINUED…