Archive of entries posted on 27th May 2004

Some Religions Need to Take Better Care of Their Clerics

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Geez, what’s it with radical Muslim clerics?

“Arrr! I be a Muslim cleric, mateys!”
Most seem to be blind (and you know what your parents told you will make you blind), though this one here is missing an eye and a hand. So, is it that the handicapped tend to become clerics in the Middle East as spewing hatred is the only job available to them, or do they get handicapped after becoming a cleric as God keeps hitting them with lightning bolts? And why don’t they do the suicide bombings? They’re missing all those limbs so they’re already halfway to being completely blown apart.
Next time we capture a blind cleric, it would be funny to see how long we could keep him from finding out he’s been captured. Put him in a cell, but tell him he’s actually in front of his followers, and see if he’ll give a whole Jew-hate’n speech to the concrete wall. Tape it, and you could have an America’s Funniest Home Video right there.

Know Thy Enemy: Al Gore

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Everyone has heard about Al Gore’s insane tirade yesterday, but is he really now so insane that’s he’s a menace to society? To find out, I had my crack research team find out whatever they could about the one know as Al Gore.
FUN FACTS ABOUT AL GORE
* Al Gore’s father was also a U.S. Senator and his mother is a wooden plank.
* Many say Gore got his personality from his mother.
* Al Gore hugs trees because his parents never hugged him.
* Once when Al Gore was at McDonalds, the cashier accidentally gave him a large fry instead of the SuperSize™ fry he ordered. Gore then proceeded to demand the CEO resign.
* Don’t let Al Gore near any elections, because he’ll try and steal them.
* His programming was specifically for him to be a politician. Now that he no longer is one, he’s gone rogue.
* Some say that Al Gore is an emotionless, killer cyborg, while other say he is more of an android.
* If you turn on a microwave while Al Gore is near, he’ll suddenly start singing showtunes.
* Al Gore spent most of his vice presidency trying to keep Clinton away from his daughters.
* Al Gore’s rage wasn’t well known during the 2000 election, but it’s said that sometimes he’d short circuit during the campaign trail and take out an entire town.
* Part of the reason Al Gore gave such an insane tirade yesterday is because a refrigerator magnet was stuck to his head.
* Most aren’t sure why Al Gore singled out Rush Limbaugh in his recent speech, but it may be go back to the time Rush Limbaugh killed his father.
* Due to his huge obsession with porn, Al Gore invented the internet.
* During the 2000 campaign, Al Gore told a number of stories that weren’t quite true. These weren’t in fact lies, but instead the results of faulty programming in his logic cells.
* Al Gore is bullet proof but vulnerable to EMP blasts.
* Al Gore is obsessed with saving the environment. Eventually he plans to eliminate all cars to save the air and then all people.
* Al Gore was assembled in Tennessee, but has since been rejected by that state after his numerous killing sprees.
* Some say Al Gore is stiff, but he actually has a wide range of movement for a robot.
* When keeping a look out for a killer Al Gore, remember that he may have a beard.
* The only way to destroy Al Gore is to get him to chase you under a hydraulic press. It’s best to keep in memory all the nearest hydraulic presses before hand.
* If his eyes glow red, that means he’s about to charge. Quickly dodge to the side and then counter attack.
* In a fight between Al Gore and Aquaman, Al Gore would grapple Aquaman with his “tree hug of iron” grab, snapping Aquaman’s spine.
* Rumors that Gore was designed by Honda are unfounded.
* What you don’t see in the video of Gore’s speech yesterday is that he slaughtered everyone in the room right after. Good for him.