Frank and the John Kerry Campaing: Help Sue

Yeah, fisking an e-mail meant for the most partisan Democrats is like shooting fish in a barrel, but it’s Friday and I’m lazy. For reference, I received this one yesterday.

Dear Frank,

They know my name!

On your block there’s a woman named Sue. Like you, she supports John Kerry. Like you, she’s appalled at the future George Bush is creating for her children. But unlike you, she’s not going to vote on November 2nd.

Holy crap! The John Kerry campaign is spying on my neighborhood! How do you know about Sue? I don’t even know my neighbors. They’re mainly seniors and I think they look at me as “that weird twelve-year-old who owns a house”.
So what is this? Are you threatening Sue for not voting? I need to find her and warn her!

Why won’t she vote? Maybe because she doesn’t know where her polling place is. Or maybe it will just slip her mind between getting kids to school and rushing to work. There are millions of people like Sue and they are the folks who will decide this election.

Oh, Sue’s a moron; that’s why she’s not voting. Yeah, sometimes morons do tend to miss those little things called “Presidential Elections” despite all the news coverage since, ya know, they don’t watch or read the news… being a moron.
So morons are going to decide the election? That’s sad… but good for Kerry!

You are the only one who can tell Sue where her polling place is and do whatever ever [Ed. Note: For those who criticize my grammar mistakes, I’m not being paid by a presidential campaign to write this] it takes to get her to the polls on Election Day. If you don’t, who will? The only way we will take back the White House this election is by having Kerry volunteers in every precinct looking for the Sues on their blocks and getting them out to vote.

What if Sue is not a her? What if he’s a boy named Sue? Do you still want him at the polls, or am I supposed to go door to door looking for only female Sue’s? Can I dress up like the terminator when I do it and ask at each door, “Are Sue O’Conner?” and then say, “Come with me if you want to vote!”?
Hey, I got a great slogan for this movement: “If morons get to the polls, Kerry wins.”

Whether you can help for only one hour on Election Day — or full time for the entire campaign — we need you on our team.

I’m planning to keep my help less than ten minutes as I just go and check off anything and everything with an ‘R’ next to its name.

We’re building a field program that gives you what you need to be most effective: plans and direction, materials, training, and connections with other volunteers and campaign staff. This is going to be the most exciting field campaign in a generation.

Wow! That’s exactly what I would need to sabotage the Kerry campaign.
Yes…. hand it over…
You can trust me–

But it won’t happen without you.

Muh ha ha ha!

Are you in?

Sure, I want to do all I can to help Kerry (wink wink).

Will you ask your friends to join us? Forward this email so that they can sign up, too.

I don’t know if you’ll like my friends… but I’ll show them this e-mail (everyone reading it?).

Or take this effort offline by visiting our recruiting center to print signup sheets to bring on board friends, family, and neighbors who might not use the email as frequently as you do. Just click here:
http://www.johnkerry.com/onlinehq/tguide.html

How do you know I use e-mail frequently? All this spying on me is starting to freak me out! Then again, I do like clicking on random hyperlinks…
And I do like ellipses–

Kerry volunteers will be responsible for getting out the vote in every precinct across the country.

Give me all of Florida; I can handle it. I promise!

In addition to saving America by winning this election,

Whoa! Slow down there, Chachi! “Saving” America? Are you implying that without Kerry’s tepid leadership, America will collapse? Yeah, riiiight.

Kerry volunteers are going to have a ton of fun.

Since saving America is not enough to motivate us, you need to promise us fun, too!

Our field program is a chance for all of us to meet others in our communities who share our values and the passion to make a difference.

Kerry supporters have passion? I guess opposites attract.

We’re already more than 600,000 strong, and we’ve set a goal to reach one million this month. The Bush campaign has had four years to build, but we’re quickly catching up. Forward this email and ask your friends to sign up. Or print the signup form right here:
http://www.johnkerry.com/pdf/toolkit_signup.pdf

Don’t worry; I’ll get those next 400,000 for you. Just sit there and wait for me to print out the form.
…I’ll tell you when I’m done. Just wait.

Thank you,
John Norris and Karen Hicks
National Director and Deputy National Director of Field
John Kerry for President

Wow! Are you related to Chuck Norris? Wait, he’s a Republican– and a Texas Ranger.

Please do not reply to this message. To contact John Kerry for President, please click here.

One of these days I’m going to reply to one of these e-mails. Maybe it will crash their whole campaign! Muh ha ha ha!

No Comments

  1. Wow! They’ve got Chachi on their staff! If Joanie is there too (or did they have a mid-70’s messy divorce?) I’ll be a supporter for life. The two best actors from the best show ever! That seals it for me!

  2. I admit, I clicked the link. What’s most important to the Kerry campaign?

    Tabling: (extra blah removed)
    Most importantly… HAVE FUN and make sure people print legibly.

    PENMANSHIP!!
    Oh, and Jefe: Chachi is a derogatory term for a man’s salami over here. “Joannie Loves Chachi” didn’t quite live up to its title.
    RAKorea

  3. Damn Sue needs to learn how to pick up the phone and call people for answers!
    Although she’ll probably be waiting in line at the welfare office that day, seeing as she’s voting for Kerry.

  4. –Speaking of saving America… I really, really hope all of the good guys realize how important this election is. The Book of Revelations used to scare me… until I started imagining “President John F’ing Kerry”! Dear Lord… !!!!

  5. I think it would be a good strategic move for Frank to get those field program materials, then pass them on to us. And then we can donate to him via PayPal to cover the cost of the psychiatric therapy he will need as a result of more Kerry exposure.
    Also, it looks like Kerry just lost another arguing point, 288,000 jobs were created in April.

  6. Yes. Help bankrupt the Kerry campaign by asking them to send you tons of campaign materials. Then send it back postage due, explaining that you looked all day long but couldn’t find Sue. Neighbors suggest she may have wandered off one day when she saw something shiny, and then couldn’t find her way home. Oh, cruel Republicans, naming streets and putting numbers on them. So like them to make polling places hard to find by giving them legible addresses.

  7. Maybe there should be a rule: If you don’t have a car to get to the voting booth, you can’t vote. Dubya in a landslide!!!
    Also, am I the only one who would like to see Frank J. dressed up like the Terminator? (I was going to say something like “especially the opening scene” but I’ll leave that for SarahK!)

  8. Wait a minute…..I told that damn Kerry campaign that I wasn’t going to vote…FOR KERRY!!
    They just love to flip-flip the meanings….and now everyone knows my hiding spot!
    damn democrats….grrrrr.
    -Sue

  9. Frank,
    The day before Election you could walk up and down your street, yelling at the top of your lungs, “Sue! SUE! SUUUE! SSSUUUUUE! Come out and vo-ote tomo-orrow! Come out and vo-ote….” Then when the police cars and swat teams and news channels show up in response to your ruckus, you can show them that Kerry email and say, “But John Kerry ordered me to. See, it says so right here in this email he sent me!”
    Bound to be picked up by the national news media, with headlines like “Kerry Uses Screamers to Rove Neighborhoods and Yell at Voters’ Houses.” Sure he’ll appreciate any amount of free publicity he can get (providing he hasn’t been Torricellied by then).

  10. “And I do like ellipses–” — that made me laugh extra hard, so random…
    “I’m planning to keep my help less than ten minutes as I just go and check off anything and everything with an ‘R’ next to its name.” — LMBO. Frank, it only takes me 5-7 seconds to fill in that one bar that says “republicans only, no democrats allowed.”
    jonag — that would be the perfect way for him to hunt for Sue. but i don’t remember that scene??

  11. The only ‘Sue’ I know, is a mulleted, red head, Opie looking Diesel Dyke with bad tats. Who lives three houses down.
    I think her live-in Lipstick Lez girlfriend, Melissa, knows the way to the polls. They’re where they’ve always been. At the High School a quarter mile down the road and on the left.

  12. sarahk,
    That’s okay; I forgive you.
    Dave and Turkeyhead,
    Man, I’m jealous. My dad saw a great deal for a 1911 in the paper yesterday and was going to pick it up, but it was sold by the time he got there. The man’s getting slow in his old age.
    I want dual forty-fives!

  13. smirking
    Sure, sarahk, but you wouldn’t be blushing if the vision wasn’t something of a guilty pleasure. There are some people that a visualization of that type would leave both you and me feeling a bit green around the gills.

  14. Did anyone else get the Kerry campaign’s petition to fire Rummy? Dorks! And why weren’t there any people yelling out SUPPORT for him during his statement yesterday?? Oh, that’s right!!… Republicans have JOBS!!!!

  15. Frank, Dave and Turkeyhead.
    Have my .45 1991 ACP Commander. Works good. lasts long time. Guarenteed not to rust, bust, buckle or bend. Hits what it’s aimed at too!
    May be looking for either a .45 Kimber or Springfield. Not crazy about S&W .45s. That just seems wrong!

  16. Grin That coming from a guy who can’t even master riding a bike and has to blame speech writers for his own errors is delightfully ironic, Jonag.
    Personally, I can’t wait for the debates.
    If people thought Bush blundered last year,
    they’re in for a treat. Kerry will make
    Bush look like Churchill.

  17. Damn, Kerry must have some awesome pollsters if they have already figured out all they lack is the “Sue” vote to win the election. You’d think they would at least throw in the “Susans” and “Susies” as well to give themselves a cushion.

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