Gas prices are at a record high right now (if you don’t factor in inflation or count other countries), so I thought as a public service I’d list some ways to save gas while getting where you need to go.
Walk
PROS: No costly equipment needed. Powered by renewable fuel source.
CONS: No civilized man has used walking as transportation since the days of the caveman.
Ride a Bike
PROS: Turns human power into quick transportation.
CONS: If you wear bike shorts, people will think you’re gay… and probably be right.
Use Public Transportation
PROS: Use less fuel per capita by riding together.
CONS: Probably get mugged or stabbed… or just wish you were.
Drive a Small, Fuel-Efficient Car
PROS: Keep the convenience of a car while using less fuel.
CONS: Why don’t you just give up and move to France while you’re at it.
Drive an Electric Car
PROS: Uses no gasoline. Quiet.
CONS: After nine hours of charging, it has a range of about eight miles.
Drive a Hybrid Car
PROS: Uses less fuel by combining electricity with gasoline.
CONS: A relatively new technology, so no scientist has been able to show how it causes cancer yet.
Ride a Horse Drawn Chariot
PROS: Look extremely regal as you stand while riding through town. Especially a great way of transportation if you like whipping animals.
CONS: Crashes can be extremely hazardous if someone sticks something in your spokes. I’d only ride one if it has a rollover bar.
Trade Blood for Oil
PROS: You keep making more blood, so why not trade it for the gas you need.
CONS: Some gas station won’t accept blood in trade and thus have a “No Blood for Oil!” sign out front.
Drive a Solar Powered Car
PROS: The power of the sun is free… for now.
CONS: As for what you do at night or on a cloudy day, I have no idea.
Drive a Coal Powered Car
PROS: Uses cheap, clean coal.
CONS: Shoveling coal while driving is almost as distracting as talking on the phone. With the open flame there, you made need a drink to calm your nerves.
Ride a Dog Sled
PROS: Dogs are happy animals and the friends of man.
CONS: Will need to cause some sort of new Ice Age to be able to use a dog sled anywhere… which is harder than it sounds. May chase after people in cat sleds.
Fly a Zeppelin
PROS: You will be master of the skies. Achtung!
CONS: Just don’t smoke near the… Oh! The humanity!
Replace Car Engine with a Hamster in a Wheel
PROS: Will get you about the same horsepower as a Geo Metro with no gasoline.
CONS: Need to keep replacing wood shavings in the engine to keep down the smell. If your engine dies on you, not much you can do without advanced skills in necromancy.
Ride a Segway
PROS: High-tech gyro keeps you upright as you speed down the sidewalks.
CONS: Riding one, you’ll look like a complete goober… a complete goober from the future!
Ride a Bobcat with a Saddle on It
PROS: Quite exotic and will certainly turn heads.
CONS: Angry.
Use a Transporter
PROS: Instantaneous travel gets rid of commute time.
CONS: If a fly gets in there with you, you will become a hideous mutant that looks like Jeff Goldblum. If a monkey sneak in there with you, that could be the start of the planet of the apes.
Use a Rubber Hose and a Breath Mint
PROS: Can keep driving your SUV for little cost.
CONS: None… as long as no one is watching. And make sure to use the breath mint after you get the gasoline.
First!
Grrr…
Sorry Dude.
“May chase people in cat sleds.” baaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
If I could howl right now without causing serious disruption to thirty cranky people, I would. Thanks for the laugh.
She: “Honey, what do I do with this rubber hose?”
He: “Well, put it in your mouth.”
She: “Like this?”
He: “Yeah. Now suck!”
(Before you get snippy, this is a rip-off of an old Saturday Night Live skit during the gas crisis of the 70’s so it’s FCC approved.)
It is extremely important to convince people to use no gas. They should stop using gas altogether if they can.
This practice leaves more gas for me.
Wowee! A Zeppelin! Whoopie!!
Ha! Funny item. Funny comments.
IMAO Akbar!
If your engine dies on you, not much you can do without advanced skills in necromancy.
So glad I’m isolated from the rest of the school.
“CONS: If you wear bike shorts, people will think you’re gay… and probably be right.”
hahahahahahaha!
“CONS: Why don’t you just give up and move to France while you’re at it.”
even funnier.
“CONS: Some gas station won’t accept blood in trade and thus have a “No Blood for Oil!” sign out front.”
funniest.
You forgot ‘Skateboard and Hershey’s Chocolate Milk’
You forgot rollerblades and Rickshaws (sp). I am just gonna travel by amish buggy from now on.
Also I will be travelling by Wonkavision. Except that you would need some sort of re-bigulator raygun and that’s just plain crazy
A tub of lard, She-Hulk, or the Hindenburg…
Can we use catapults and call them municipal mass transit? That would be cool.
“No, this is the cross-town ‘pult. You want number seven, the north bound express.”
Rocketpack?? Or does that need plutonium or something?? Hangglider?
REPLACE CAR ENGINE WITH A HAMSTER IN A WHEEL
See… THIS is why I never drink anything while I read your posts, and also make sure I have used the bathroom before I start reading. I am either going to snarf my whatever frosty beverage one of these days, or piss myself laughing!
BTW Frank,
You forgot to add RICKSHAW (and those gay-assed razor scooters. Think I would forget the razor scooter too,) but the RICKSHAW would be kind of cool!
You could Strap Michael Moore to the front & use a whip on his sorry ass! Except the cons of being downwind of the corpulent toad and actually having his back end in your view the whole time would so not be worth it… I mean… Ew, like, So Gross..
OMG, I nearly died laughing over goobers from the future. They’re everywhere around here, I just couldn’t pin down the exact name for them. Thanks!
What about rockets… like Astronaut Jones!!
Rocket
I’m taking a rocket.
I’m packing my suitcase
Hey, look out, Moon!
Yeah, a rocket
into outer space.
Goodbye, human race
I’ll be there soon.
Blast off!
For fun and adventure.
There’s a fair adventure
collecting stones.
Yeah, it’s my way
on the ol’ space highway.
That’s why they all say
“There goes Astronaut Jones!”
Hey!
Wow, two, count ’em TWO Simpsons references. That made my day.
Get a horse and buggy and drive it onto the interstate!
“Transporter” –
PROS: Instantaneous travel eliminates commute time.
CONS: Serious philosophical and theosophical problems exist – if you are deconstructed, mapped and your pattern is sent digitally to a site where you are then reconstructed from new matter and energy per said digital model, are you still the same person? What if the machine on the sending side merely maps your structure and leaves you intact at the origin? Would there be two of “you” now, or just the real you and a “clone”? Since we all know that clones are evil, then quite clearly we can conclude that transporter technology is a tool of Satan.
Quantum afterthought: If you met your anti-self after a “transporter” replicated you, would the presence of yourself and your anti-self in the same space cause you both to collapse into a micro-singularity, explode in a blinding flash of light and energy, or to simply wink-out of existence with barely anyone noticing? Of course this assumes that the subject is worhty of anyone’s interest in the first place… So if this meeting happens in a closed room where nobody can observe (or cares to), do you remain locked in a state of flux until someone tries (or cares enough) to observe the outcome?
Hmmm, that could be a long time… Would you get hungry being locked in a state of flux, or is “flux” timeless? I’m going to go get a sandwich…just in case.
Rickshaw:
PROS: Travel in style whilst looking colonial and oppressive on your way to the Polo Grounds for post call.
CONS: Very difficult to look colonial and oppressive when locals are racing by in motorized transportation to the Polo Grounds for post call.
Re: Instantaneous Transporters
“Lisa! In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics! Thermodynamics!”
I think that while most of the items on the list were amusing, it was the last one that made my day for sure.
“cat sledding”!!!!
the wave of the future!
Frank, you are one funny dude. i keep trying to think about work, then i start laughing. kind of tends to make people look askance at you, but they are probably democrats. God knows they haven’t found anything funny in years.
i have a diesel. i get 49mpg. I drive, and pollute and spend little money. love me.
Worried about the price of gas?? Not I, I am richer that sin, so I fill up the 60 gal tank in my decked out Hummer M2 and not worry about the pocket change it costs. Let the proletariat worry about the price of gas.
Home James
RR neck:
I think that the problems you postulate were addressed in Star Trek episode #17(worst episode ever) when the two twins were locked in eternal struggle between universes (or is it universi?); and Back to the Future by the world renouned scientist and deep thinker, Doc Brown.
I also got me one of them thar humvees? I cut me a hole in the roof with a chainsaw. Now while I drive my brother-in-law cleotis stands up in the hole with a shotgun lookin’ fer revenuers and other terroristas.
Frank:
We could don chain armor, sword and axe, wear a tunic with a bright red cross on it, mount a horse, “we’re knights of the round table, we’re bold and we’re able”…foreseuth, me thinks that thou would be called politically incorrect, drat…Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court.
HA! how about live 10 minutes from work, a tank of gass in my 2000 ford ranger xlt lasts about a month.
gloat
gloat
gloat
gloat
gloat
Living 10 mins for Work!!!! My G-d, what is this nation coming to!!! If the Dementocracks come into power, they will insist that you work at least 1 hr away from home. Oh, silly me, if the Dementocracks come into Power, you won’t have a job, you will be at home (because of an Evil
Capitalist Company layoff, or the economy back into the toilet) thus not wasting/spending money on gas.
The ultimate way to save gas is to become such a geek that all you do all day is type long and boring comments in comment sections on websites all day until you’ve alienated all of your friends by showing them conservative websites that you swear are really funny and they don’t care because they are so liberal and now they hate you and let’s face it you didn’t have many friends anyway so you basically never have to leave the house because you are a total loser.
And with regards to the Segway, men beware: all alternate forms of bicycling are extremely unsexy. Guaranteed date-breakers. Use at your own risk. Women, too. I don’t want to see it, you hear?
You;; really need the breath mint if you siphon the wrong tank http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/news/tm_objectid=14248320&method=full&siteid=89488&headline=sucker-name_page.html
“To waste, to destroy, our natural resources, to skin and exhaust the land instead of using it so as to increase its usefulness, will result in undermining in the days of our children the very prosperity which we ought by right to hand down to them.”
— Theodore Roosevelt
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