I missed the president’s speech last night (I was busy kung fu fighting), but here is what I would have said in his place:
There have been some questions about the War on Terror and specifically our fight in Iraq… mainly from the assholes in the press, but there are some others as well. To those who doubt our mission, I can’t say this emphatically enough: SCREW YOU!
We have lots of smelly, unshaven men who hate nothing more than the American way of life, and I’m not talking about Michael Moore. These people want to kill us for a multitude of retarded reasons, so we have to kill them first. Pretty goddamn simple if you ask me, yet people want to “understand why they hate us.” Frankly, I’m fine with understanding what one ate for lunch from the gaping wound in his stomach. The full understanding can be saved for the anthropologists.
Let me make this clear: When people want to kill you, will blow up men, women, and children and celebrate the deaths by jumping around and yelling like a bunch of deranged howler monkeys, you waste those motherfkers. There are no ifs or buts about it. And you don’t wait for permission from some “international community”. France has about as much relevance on the world stage as a tribe of mountain gorillas (and guess which groups bathes more). And we’re supposed to wait for China to take a break from executing political prisoners to approve what we’re doing?
Here’s my policy on that: fk them!
Most of the countries of the world get the luxury of being a bunch a whiny little bitches because they know that America will actually get the tough s**t done. Frankly, I’m okay with all those pissant countries sitting around and patting themselves on the back while we the American people take care of all the problems in the world. Someone has to be an adult here.
And about angering the Arab world – those people are already a bunch of irrationally angry assholes. Who gives a rat’s ass about whether defending ourselves helps their anemic self-esteem. The only thing they need to know is that, as angry as they get as they eat food donated out of the kindness of our Christian hearts, lifting a finger against us is the surest way to commit mass suicide. Our goal should not be to be liked, it should be to be respected… or feared. Same difference.
So on to Iraq. Saddam was a madman in charge of an entire country. He murdered, he tortured, and, as long as we left him alone, he was free to plot more mayhem. So we took the bitch out; simple as that. You may say that there are plenty of other evil dictators out there, and it’s a good point; we’ll get to them later. But the journey of a thousand miles starts with dragging one disheveled, former dictator out of a hole in the ground. But, when I have my way – and I will because I’m bigger than you – all dictators will eventually be fertilizer or the bitch of some guy named Bubba. It should be our goal to make all countries productive, capitalistic democracies, because those guys won’t attack us whether or not they’re smart enough to kiss our feet.
So Iraq is just a start, and every despot out there better start packing if he knows what’s good for him and every psychotic terrorist better renew his life insurance. Some may say that for every evil terrorist we kill, we create another bin Laden. Well, guess what; we can make bullets and cruise missiles even faster.
Still, there are going to be many Americans against our war in Iraq and other places. If you are one of them, then please write out your reasoned arguments in a letter, put it into a an envelope, address it to “1600 Pennsylvania Avenue”, put a stamp on it, and then SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!
Thank you and God bless.
Words of Wisdom!
(btw – FIRST!!!)
Oh, and Frank – you should feel honored about the “first” thing that started up here. I though posters only did that over at that parody news site named for some delicious pig parts…
I first saw the first phenomenom at Ain’t It Cool News
A perfect summary of BW’s essay.
Classic.
well put, just the way alot of people feel but don’t say due to PC.
It’s never too early to start my 2016 campaign (that’s the first year I’ll be old enough to run for president).
–A true classic… dear Lord, if only W would give a speech like that JUST ONCE!!
–Nice job, Frank… too cool!
awesome. Thanks for that!
Well said.
Well said, Frank! If only the Prez would actually say that. You know that’s how he really feels.
Bravo Frank, if only W would say it like that, he’d go down in my book as the greatest president since Andrew “by God” Jackson!
Well done!
And to those who will certainly post inflammatory and poorly composed comments, you’re the people whom Frank J. is addressing in the last paragraph. Please learn to follow directions.
If only.
Wow, I actually like the content there. Dial up the language qyuality from “construction worker” to “political fancypants” and it would actually be a deliverable speech, not to mention one that should be delivered. Hell, even leave it at “Blogger” if you really want to make your point 😉
From the senate podium,
off of Michael Moore’s face,
around the United Nations,
through Saddam’s spider hole,
over the White House wall,
…Nothin’ but net!
I’m not going to stop laughing today.
2016 VRWC Candidates and Appointees:
Frank J. – President
Bill Whittle – VP
Kim du Toit – Sec. Def
Misha – Sec. State
Rachel Lucas – Sec. Int
Juliette Ochieng – Supreme Court Justice
As you run for president in 2016, make sure to stop by and get my endorsement. It always helps to have the favor of former beloved presidents.
It seems to me that the last two statements kind of counter-act each other… or cause severe gut-busting laughter. Whichever.
Get to go look at the house. I have calculated, no fewer than five times, the amount of money that I’ll have left if I go through with this. Is this just an indication of my inner math geek coming out through stress or is this typical?
“To those who doubt are mission,”
Am I the only one who saw that, or are we not pointing out the errors of our fearless leader? Because I’m fine with it either way.
Proper ettiqute (sp?) is to e-mail me corrections.
It’s spelled “etiquette”, but since it’s of French origin, we will overlook it today good citizen.
HOO-AW!!!
We have lots of smelly, unshaven men who hate nothing more than the American way of life, and not I’m talking about Michael Moore.
France has about as much relevance on the world stage as a tribe of mountain gorillas (and guess which groups bathes more).
F***ing brilliant, Frank. Nuff said.
woops.. my italic thingey majiggs didn’t work.
Praise to him that satires all, the god of jest, the man who never talks around a subject. May Allah be pleased.
ulululululululululululululululululululu ooooowhooooooooooooooowhoooooo!
So sorry, I didn’t know.
I will adhere to the decorum of your comments page from now on.
It’s time for some linky love
Well, this will be a miniature linkfest because of increased responsibilties at work. Bastards actually want me to earn my salary. ::sniff:: Anyway, here goes: Michael Fumento takes on the subject of stem cell research. Researchers are engaged in a…
oh, so you want us to email corrections, frank? i’ve been sitting on my fingers and forcing myself to just ignore, since your work’s beautiful enough even with errors. great speech, btw.
nony mouse, it’s all of the above. you’ll not regret it, though, unless you find out from your geology prof that your house is built on a landfill; but even then, your garden will be plentiful with the sweetest tomatoes, so it’s all good.
Couldn’t find a better parody of GWB on the web!
goggling at Masada
Oooh, I know someone who’s into Buddism… I bet a T-shirt saying Buddha’s Bitch would be a perfect gift.
peals of laughter
How come the Secretary of the Interior is in charge of everything outdoors?
Simply Brilliant!
Heck, I’d be voting for you just to hear your inspiring speeches….
wow, funniest thing iv read in a while
“Well, guess what; we can make bullets and cruise missiles even faster.”
I love it.
What the President SHOULD have said…
Can I get an amen for Frank J’s alternate Bush speech? There have been some questions about the War on Terror and specifically our fight in Iraq… mainly from the assholes in the press, but there are some others as…
most excellent
“Well, guess what; we can make bullets and cruise missiles even faster.”
Must concur with Cruddick. That’s a wonderful line in a speech crackling with ’em.
Right ON!
Ahhhhh…I realize I’m posting much later than anyone else, and no one will probably read this but DAMN, I missed ya Frank! My husband & I just moved cross country, from MD to So Cal….and have been IMAO-less for almost 2 weeks.
Should be back to regular reading shortly.