ThoseShirts.com now has on its front page a picture of the Insta-Wife (who, lucky for contestants, is ineligible to enter the IMAO T-Shirt Babe Contest) and a picture of Glenn Reynolds himself looking like a deer caught in the headlights.
Also, a new shirt is available for preorder. I came up with the phrase, but I don’t get a commission for this one. Still, I think it’s a pretty cool shirt and wanted to point it out.
Archive of entries posted on 15th April 2004
It’s Coming…
A Three Hour Tour
John Hawkins of Right Wing News chose ten bloggers (5 male/5 female) he’d like to have around if stuck on a deserted island, and I made the cut for very logical reasons.
Laurence Simon says he’d go straight to cannibalism to conserve bandwidth.
Dawn Olsen doesn’t seem to like my inclusion. Well, if it really is a deserted island, then it will be martial law, and I know how to handle dissent.
Does anyone else think I’m a self-absorbed, cocky jerk? I always thought I came off as cordial and witty.
SAY I’M CORDIAL AND WITTY!
NOW!!!
UPDATE: Joyce from Transcended is hot. Why’d no one tell me about her? I know who’d I be putting the moves on on that deserted island…
Frank Answers: To Infinity and Below, Quoting Frank, Bigfoot, and the Dark Secret Behind the Theory of Relativity
Rally round the family… with a pocket full of shells!
We rally round the family… with a pocket full of shells!
We rally round the family… with a pocket full of shells!
We rally round the family… with a pocket full of shells!
Sorry, one of my favorite Rage Against the Machine songs was on the radio as I drove back from picking up lunch. BTW, today is tax day and free cookie day at Subway if anyone forgot.
Anyway, here are some Frank Answers™ to some frank questions.
Todd writes:
Finally I have found someone with the significant cerebral capacity to tackle my most baffling brainteaser:
If 1/Infinity is always 0, and anything/itself is always 1, what is infinity/infinity? 1 or 0?
Actually, I’ve posed this same math question to a number of mathematicians, and, not liking any of their answers, I dismissed them. The way I usually phrase the questions is what is the product of infinity times zero? My answer is one. Reasoning: infinity (i.e. everything) times zero (i.e. nothing) equals finite (i.e. something). It just makes sense. Anyone who says otherwise is an idiot and never returned the mechanical pencil I lent him.
Chris from Baltimore writes:
In some of my conservations with people, I find that I sometimes have to use your words of wisdom to get my point across. Is there a proper manner in which I should quote you, so that you can get proper credit for your wisdom?
The preferred form is either “As the most learned Frank J. once said…” or “As the exalted one spaketh…”. Being me, I don’t need to preface my own quotes in such a way, and usually start a statement with “Hey, goober!”
Sam from Buford, GA writes:
I have a classification question for you. Is bigfoot technically a monkey? If not, where does his allegiance lie? Also, is a 45 enough to stop bigfoot, or do I need to get a 44 magnum like Dirty Harry?
Now, I personally don’t believe in bigfoot, but, if he does exist, then the most likely explanation is he is some sort of monkey conspiracy to design a uber-monkey to one day overpower man. Now, while I revere the .45, I’d say, when in any area there are bigfoot sightings, treat it like your in an area with known grizzly attacks and thus keep a .44 magnum handy. My dad bought his first .44 magnum for when fishing in Alaska, and, though he encountered neither bear nor bigfoot, it’s just the smart thing to do.
Sderrick writes:
Alright, here’s a science question that I got confused over at first and my hippy boss tried to make me feel stupid about. If two particles are traveling at each other at the speed of light, what is their relative speed? The answer should be obvious but the real question is why.
Their relative speed will be the speed of light, as nothing can move faster than the speed of light. Seems like a paradox, doesn’t it? That’s because it is. Einstein realized this early on as a flaw to his theory of relativity, so he took the only remedy available: blackmail. Apparently, thought his research in physics, Einstein found some flaw in the universe so glaring that God would never want anyone to find out about it. So Einstein threatened God to make his speed of light paradox true or he would release his findings. God, Who is no stranger to paradoxes since He can both lift anything and make a rock He cannot lift, consented, but then cursed Einstein’s hair so that no comb made by mortal man could tame it. And thus the theory of relativity was given substance.
(Source: Fundamentals of Physics by David Halliday)
Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.
The Daily Whine
One more thing, everyone stop being mean to Daily Kos. It’s not his fault he’s a complete muckadoo; they thought lead was good for you when he was kid.
Anyway, all this attention to his inhumanity and his racism is just keeping his traffic higher than the rightful ruler the blogosphere, the puppy blender.
The One Hit Wonder
Osama Bin Laden has yet another tape out where he threatens revenge against American and yadda yadda yadda. With all these tapes now, why doesn’t just release a whole album: The Best of Bin Laden’s Empty Threats.
Bring it on, bitch.
Be Careful What You Try and Steal, You Just Might Get It
I should have asked how much Jonah Goldberg’s job pays before I tried and steal it, as it’s obviously not much since he has to have a second job at Starbucks. We should find out which and order him around.
Then again, it’s hard for me to make a complex coffee order since I only drink it black. I guess I could order one of their wacky coffee mixtures and say leave out this and leave out that until nothing is left but the coffee. That should drive him nuts and teach him to do… uh… whatever is was that made me not like him.
In My World: The Iraq Speech
“I’m President Bush, and I approve this message.”
“You don’t have to say that before a speech,” remarked a reporter.
“Shut up!” Bush shouted, “This is my speech, and I can do what I want!” He looked at some index cards. “Now what did I want to say… Oh! We are doing good in Iraq. Many bad people are dying. Osama is a bad man and we will find him. There are many camels in Iraq. And… uh…” He shuffled through his index cards. “Oh yeah… and screw you stupid reporters. I will now open the floor for questions, but I would like to point out that I have one brick.” Bush held up a red brick. “I will throw it at the head of anyone whose question makes me mad. You may think I might not use it on you because your question isn’t maddening enough, but I remind you I’m quite impulsive. Who has the first question?”
“Would you like to apologize for anything involving 9/11 because… AHHH!”
“Damn; there goes my only brick,” Bush sighed, “Next question.”
“Do you regret anything during your presidency?”
“No, and you suck,” Bush answered.
“Is there anything you think you should apologize for?”
“You’re all asking the same damn questions!” Bush exclaimed, “I don’t regret or apologize for anything. It was terrorists who crashed those planes on 9/11; not me! I only crashed two planes in my entire life, and never into buildings. And, after all the terrorist evil, I went and killed bad people, like a good president should. I regret nothing! Now does someone have some question that doesn’t involve apologizing or regretting?”
“What do you think of comparisons of Iraq to the quagmire in Vietnam?”
“That’s stupid,” Bush answered, “Anyone who thinks that is a complete retard… and I mean drooling on himself. Let’s look at the facts. Vietnam was a jungle. Iraq is a desert. There were Asian people in Vietnam. There are Arab people in Iraq. Oh, and one last thing: I’m going to win in Iraq! You hear that?” Bush shook his fist. “Bad people die when I’m president, and I don’t back down! You write that in your writing book thingies.”
“Our notepads?” suggested one reporter.
“Could one of you hand me back my brick?” Bush asked.
No one moved.
“You guys are useless! Ask your next stupid question.”
“Why are both you and Vice President Cheney going to testify before the 9/11 commission together?”
“Well… uh… er…” Bush stammered, “You see… I think Dick might answer that better.”
Cheney walked on to stage. “SHUT UP!” he shouted, threw a whiskey bottle at the reporters, and then walked off.
“Good ‘ole drunken Dick,” Bush chuckled, “Always straight and to the point. Anymore questions?”
“Is there anything you regret having done since 9/11?”
Bush groaned. “I regret not bringing more bricks.”