Use X-1.
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a1 f6 42 d9 58 e6 cd 02 59 f9 25 6f 0b 44 07 ca
c5 0a d3 59 de d8 50 7e 0f f7 57 a0 43 77 1b 1a
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b3 14 95 a8 9b 7f 7e 4a be be 7e 04 32 fe f3 c3
ad f2 2d f1 b8 91 36 47 f1 af 5f 13 3e bb 9b 62
71 e4 a3 b6 73 06 35 24 dc c3 89 3b 42 b8 1e d4
17 11 cc d1 88 a4 99 9f 7f d3 2e 2e 9c aa 00 a1
e5 e9 70 47 27 72 e6 2a 97 42 bd 04 17 7e 43 0f
c5 f4 c0 92 53 1f 03 b8 cd 99 49 9d 1f ca 50 62
35 ed 39 04 2f 58 58 bb 5f fe f6 62 dd 0a d7 54
a0 fe 11 14 86 64 85 3e 35 36 c3 cf b1 f4 70 c9
69 dd 2d 1d 7e f5 b7 b4 cf c9 68 59 7b c4 98 c4
0b 3b 56 3e 67 85 d5 07 c1 82 c1 b0 3e 56 36 6b
7e ef 81 4f 55 de 30 af 26 9e 67 6c f2 07 a9 06
2c d6 51 61 5f 8b a0 18 47 29 56 3b d9 90 ab 18
a3 38 e6 c0 8e 4e 78 a3 f4 47 3f 65 1f 5b bb e6
5b b0 2b af 7f d8 a8 6e 62 5d a3 95 47 8b 82 88
76 e2 3e
Archive of entries posted on 28th April 2004
Frank Answers: College Choice, the Kerry Virus, Post-Mortem Intelligence Tests, and the Real Reason Hitler Comitted Suicide
Because you’ve all been some good readers, here are some Frank Answers™.
Bryan, who is from Sarramento, writes:
My name’s Bryan and I’m from Sacramento. Since I view your opinion as fact, I’ve decided to ask you which university should I attend next year: UC Berkeley or UC San Diego?
I’d be majoring in computer science and have been accepted to both.
Let’s see.
…
Heads. That means UC Berkeley.
There, I have spoken! If you do not go by my advice, your future will be worthless! You might want to ask BerkeleyGirl and BerkeleyChick about it to get yourself prepared. I think they go to Berkeley (BTW, everyone will finally get to see what they look like tomorrow).
Wes asks:
If John Kerry were to be split in two, would one be conservative and one liberal, or would they just be twice as liberal as before? Also, if it’s the latter, and if they were to be rammed into each other at high speed, could a critical mass of liberalism be achieved?
Also, if John Kerry was cultured into viral form, how would he be transmitted, and what symptoms would the he have?
If John Kerry were split in two, he would probably bleed to death. As for ramming the two halves together at high speed, that’s just silly.
The John Kerry virus would probably be like Alzheimer’s, but only make you forget your political positions. I’m not sure how it would be transmitted, but I’d hope we’d have biowar task forces to keep it from getting airborne.
Jason H from Austin, Texas, land of road kill and living hippies, writes:
Frank, I noticed that the US Marines are now kicking serious ass in Iraq. I’m curious, what do you think the IQs are of the insurgers? Unfortunately, we can’t give them an IQ test because they’ll be dead. Is there any other way of finding out the average intelligence of the insurgers? Thanks.
Technically, the IQ of a dead insurgent is 0, but, if you want to know what their marginally higher intelligence was before they got a Marine welcome, I think there is a method to measure IQ based on the pattern of how their brains splattered on the wall.
Then again, maybe I’m thinking of the Rorschach test. Those ink blots always looked like splattered brains to me.
Jason asks:
Frank, I just mentioned Hitler’s suicide in a previous e-mail to friends of mine. It got me thinking. Is it possible that Hitler killed himself because he had been married just an hour or so before or was it really because the Soviets were 300 yards away from his bunker? I think some historians are overlooking the ‘marriage quotient’ in Hitler’s death.
To answer that, I’ll have to use the scientific method and get married to see if that makes me suicidal.
–
This may take some time. I’ll get back to you.
Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.
Final Reminder
Okay, babes, you only have until… noon? I thought I set the deadline at midnight. Anyway, what I said before stands, you have until noon today today to get your entry in for the contest. No late entries will be accepted. Also, make sure you got a confirmation e-mail from me for an entry you did send in. Tomorrow I will post all the entrants and send it to the judges (which includes me). So, to those who still haven’t gotten your entries in, get your asses in gear! To those who have, good luck.
Tomorrow will be a big day…
Frank Suggestions to Improve John Kerry’s Campaign
Things are looking pretty dour for John Kerry right now, and everything he does seems to make it worse. First there is his attempt to hold two simultaneous but conflicting positions like being for and against the war, for and against funding the troops, etc. He won’t even need Bush for the Presidential debates; he could just do them Gollum style, making a statement, and then rebutting vehemently right after.
“We must fund the troops in Iraq!”
Camera angle on Kerry changes. “No! I hateses funding the nasty troopses!”
And now he’s attacked Bush about his National Guard service – a story that played out months ago – after he said he was against such petty attacks. Really, presidential candidates are supposed to leave such sniping to subordinates; it’s almost seeming like it’s amateur hour at the Apollo with Kerry now.
I guess it’s Frank to the rescue.
Yes, I want the Democrats to lose, and to lose so big it wipes out their “Bush was selected not elected” delirium. So big that they cry. So big that they actually follow through on their threats to move to France. Still, I just can’t stand idly by and watch a train wreck, so here are my ideas to help the Kerry campaign:
* Get Rid of the French-Lookingness: This is a hard one, but essential. Instead of a suit, wear a leather jacket and sunglasses. Mess up that thousand dollar haircut of yours. Then, grow some stubble. If you can’t grow stubble because of that Botox stuff, then have a Hollywood makeup artist give you some.
* Stop Talking: You seem to put your foot in your mouth trying to explain your odd positions, so don’t talk at all. Be this mysterious, gruff looking individual of few words. Respond to most questions with a grunt or a “whatever”. This moves you from aloof – which people hate – to apathetic – which is cool. If someone keeps pestering you with a question, instead of coming up with a lame dodge by attacking Bush, intimidate the individual. For example:
REPORTER: “Senator Kerry, did you or did you not throw your own medals over a fence in protest?”
MO’FO’ KERRY: “Who f**king cares? What I do know, if you keep bothering me about it, I’m going to throw my fist in your face.”
The average Joe – or even the average Steve – would really respond to that.
* No More Mentioning That You Served Vietnam: Okay, dude, we all know you served in Vietnam and are getting tired of you bringing it up, but there’s a better way to mention it. Instead of saying, “By the way, I served in Vietnam”, phrase instead as “I’ve killed people before.” Said in a low, menacing voice, it’s also a good dodge to questions.
* Pick a VP that Makes You Look Good in Comparison: Since everyone think you’re haughty and aloof and uncharismatic, pick a VP that’s even more haughty, more aloof, and less charismatic. But who…
Al Gore! He’s even already got VP experience. He might be really tired of it, though, so if you get elected and you see him playing with garroting wire, don’t turn your back on him.
* Use Reverse Psychology: Usually political ads say why you should vote for one guy or why you shouldn’t vote for another guy. That’s old and tired. If you want to be cool, have an ad where you say, “I’m John Kerry and… know what? F**k this. I don’t even want your stupid vote. I’m outta here.” Then just walk off camera. And people will be like, “That guy is cool! He doesn’t even care if we vote for him! I’m going to vote for him!” It will totally work.
* Wrestle a Bear: Only a badass could wrestle a bear. And then you’ll have something to talk about other than being in Vietnam. No matter what policy question someone asks you, you can be like, “Hey! I wrestled a bear! I can handle that podunk crap!”
* Keep Bill Clinton in His Place: Using his new book, Bill Clinton is going to try and steal the spotlight for himself to the detriment of Democrats in general. You need to have a public meeting with him and then stomp his ass. Be like, “I’m the leader of the Democrats now, bitch!” He might call on Hillary for help, and I’ll leave that up to whether you take her on. I hear that in a fight she’s all nails and teeth.
* Improve General Badassery: If people are going to take you seriously as a president who can handle the war on terror, you need to be a complete and total badass. Instead of doing the usual politician thing of shaking hands and kissing babies, be like, “Keep your damn hands away from me!” and “Get that ugly baby out of my face!” People will be like, “Damn! That guy is a badass. To once think I believed he was haughty and aloof.”
So, Kerry, the choice is yours. You can either known as “John Kerry, the haughty, french-looking Massachusetts Democrat, who by the way served in Vietnam” or as “John F’n Kerry, badass loner of few words who’s killed people and, by the way, wrestled a bear”. Not much of choice, huh? I’d almost vote for you if you were the latter, except that I’m pretty sure you’d raise my taxes. By the way, I don’t care if you wrestled a bear: if you raise my taxes, I kick your ass.
I wonder if that could be a campaign slogan…