Damn Commie pandas!
What the hell is a panda? It’s not even a bear; it’s like a frick’n raccoon in disguise. And they eat bamboo; what in the world? So they’re giant raccoon’s that eat trees like some termite. All that, and they help the Commie Chinese in their public relation being that China is the only one who can dole out pandas to zoos.
Damn, giant, Commie-sympathizing, termite raccoons!
Just had to get that off my chest.
Archive of entries posted on 26th April 2004
The Wrath of the Whitler
So last Wednesday I met with Bill Whittle for lunch at a local barbeque so that I might impart some of my wisdom to him to help with his only little webpage.
When I arrived he had already gotten a seat. “Hi. I’m Frank J. Fle…”
“I’m Bill Whittle!” he interrupted, “Master essayist of the blogosphere! Sit and be quiet!”
I stared at him sternly, but I wasn’t looking for a fight. Thus I sat and made my order. “You make some interesting yet long essays,” I said, trying to move the conversation to a more friendly subject, “So do you plan on writing more about America and patriotism?”
“Bah! Those subjects are of no concern to me!” he announced, “All I want is set the world record for longest blog post ever! When you start reading it, it will be topical, but moot by the time you finish! Muh ha ha ha!”
“You’re insane!” I cried.
“That’s what they said of Charles Manson,” Whittle responded, “but he’s famous now!”
Luckily, the food now came to break up the awkward conversation. Whittle took one bite and then threw the meal at the waitress. “That wasn’t cooked well enough for the Bill Whittle,” he screamed, “Cook it again.”
“I’ve had enough of your ego!” I finally announced, “You will apologize to that waitress!”
“I apologize to no one!” Whittle shouted, “Especially not at the behest of the author of IMAO, which humor is trite and repetitive!”
“You’ll pay for that insulting yet somewhat true remark!”
Whittle jumped up on top of the table. “I pay for nothing! I am the greatest writer ever, and you will bow before me, you son of a white chicken!”
“You have insulted me and my family’s honor,” I uttered with latent rage. I then smashed the table into with a mighty chop, tumbling Whittle to the ground. “We must settle this as all disputes between bloggers – kung fu fight in the parking lot!”
Whittle picked himself up. “So be it.”
Both of us were wearing a Nuke the Moon t-shirt, so we were equally armed. I could see from his stance, though, that his kung fu was inferior to mine.
Bill Whittle chooses the “Dyslexic Monkey” stance
My dragon claw style took care of him without me breaking a sweat. I then headed back to work, vowing to never meet other bloggers in person unless it’s some speaking event where I’m paid.
In My World: Something Stupid
“My poll numbers are up against that Frenchman and Woodward has this book out displaying my leadership,” Bush announced, “It’s time to do something stupid!”
“Did you even read that book Woodward wrote?” Laura asked while holding a copy of Plan of Attack.
“I’m waiting for the movie,” Bush said as he picked up the phone, “I hope I’m played by Bruce Willis.” He then spoke into the phone. “Get my cabinet together… it’s time for something stupid!”
“Let’s nuke Finland,” Condi suggested.
Bush ignored that. “Any other insane ideas.”
“If you want even better poll numbers,” Rumsfeld said, “You need another war. People like war.”
Bush considered this. “Explain.”
“I like war,” Rumsfeld said, “I’m a person.”
“Good point,” Bush answered, “but I think you should finish your first war.”
“It’s being handled,” Rumsfeld assured him. He then picked up a satellite phone and dialed Buck the Marine. “Why isn’t every evil person in Iraq dead?”
“They’re hiding and there’s a lot of them,” Buck answered, “I could use a little help. Plus, I’m running out of ammo and my Ka-Bar is getting dull.”
“Quit whining! Now I want everyone in the tri-country area who has an evil thought in his head to also have a bullet in it!” Rumsfeld hung up. “It will be handled soon.”
“Now I want some idea that will piss off even more everyone who already hates me and America,” Bush said, “Who knows how long these poll numbers will last.” He turned to Ashcroft. “You’re good at pissing people off. Any ideas?”
“Well, golly gosh, let me think,” Ashcroft said, “I have this new bill we can ram through congress called the ‘I Love America’ act.”
“What’s in the act?” Bush asked.
“You sure ask a lot of questions,” Ashcroft declared suspiciously.
“It’s just that…”
“Enemy combatant!” Ashcroft shouted as he pointed at Bush. ATF agents rushed into the room.
“It’s cool! It’s cool!” Bush assured them, and they slowly left. “Anyway, let’s focus on pissing off other countries. I hate other countries.”
“Then let’s insult the U.N.,” Condi suggested, “America did create it so that they could show our contempt to all countries at once. Maybe at their next big conference, we could send a monkey as a representative.”
“One that bites!” Bush added excitedly.
“How about instead pissing off people and governments,” Scott McClellan said, “why don’t we go play some putt putt?”
“Great idea!” Bush exclaimed, “Go get us set up and we’ll meet you there.”
Scott ran out of the room. “Idiot,” Bush remarked. “Now let’s get back to the topic at hand. I find it very funny when the people who already hate me are made even angrier, and we have at this table the greatest collection of experts at pissing off hippies and Europeans. Now let’s get a plan to abuse my office!”
“Antarctica has been declared U.S. property,” the anchorwoman announced, “President Bush saying he rightfully bought it from the natives – the penguins – for a handful of beads. All scientists and penguins still remaining on the South Poll have been herded up and placed in labor camps. The U.N. has quickly condemned this action, the U.S. representative to the U.N. responding by biting Kofi Anan and then swinging from the chandelier. A U.N. peacekeeper was brought in to bring calm… and then proceeded to attack everyone. The name of the peacekeeper has not been released, but reports are that he was angry. Very angry.
“In other news, President Bush is polling even better now against John Kerry who is currently embroiled in a legal battle with D.C. Comics. They have sued John Kerry for unspecified amount for being what they call a “blatant rip-off” of the Batman villain Two-Face…”