Only a few babe entries (and a ton of judge entries) have been sent in, but that’s why I gave three weeks time. I will confirm I’ve recieved each entry for the babe competition with an e-mail, so, if you don’t get one, be worried (I’m not confirming the judge entries. I got ’em; don’t worry). I expect all babes who read IMAO to enter; IMAO will not tolerate shy babes!
Speaking of babes, have you seen how Condi has handled herself in the 9/11 commission with a stacked audience against her? I think hardly anyone could take that and stay composed. I’d be strangling people left and right after a few minutes.
Archive of entries posted on 8th April 2004
What Evil Lies in the Heart of Those Who Don’t Find Me Funny…
It’s funny the things you find when you check who is linking to you in technorati. Everyone once in a while, I find someone who says something negative about me! Scary, but true!
Simon of Simon World wonders why I receive “slavish worship”. He doesn’t understand why two fan sites for me just suddenly spawned with no prompting. He just doesn’t get why people find me so funny.
Now, I don’t have the credentials to declare someone insane (maybe one of you slavish worshippers do), but obviously this Simon character must be nigh-retarded and was probably abused as a child. Anyone who even half glances at my site and has his or her full sense should instantly see that I am genius like this world has never known. My keen insight rips through the issues of the day, and I am artist with words, my worst post still besting anything by a lesser genius. All that, and my wit is so sharp it’s classified as an illegal weapon in some states. If there are any faults to me, perhaps I’m too humble at times, but I am working on that.
Now I’m receiving a torrent of e-mails of just how great this site is (deadline it tomorrow morning, BTW), but I think it would be good for Frank Fans to go and educate this fool Simon of my greatness. I could just say, “Yucky-boo Simon!”, but I think we should shine the light of truth on this imbecile and see him either convert to righteousness and follow me or scurry back into the darkness like some cockroach.
Hey, that was a pretty good metaphor… well, technically it was a simile. Anyhoo, I need to finish my lunch.
UPDATE: Simon has reminded me of a worthy cause to help the joooos. Currently, the first google hit for “Jew” is an anti-Semitic site, so people are trying to use a google bomb for good to make it point to the wikipedia entry for Jew.
Our Military V
More military anecdotes, and hopefully none of these will get any blood boiling. I don’t edit these like I do The Limey, so they may have foul language if that bothers you.
Max has a bit more on the feared drill instructor plus other comments:
I’ve been a reader for some time. Great work! Saw your call for anecdotes from former military folks. I was in the USMC Reserves from 1982-1988, doing active drills from ’83 to ’86, and active duty for training. Never saw combat, but like a lot of reservists, I was going to school at the time – in my case, I was attending UC Berkeley, which was a different kind of combat.
I’ve had the usual radical-vs-military debates hundreds of times, dignified as “debates” only because they were filled with sound and fury, and signified nothing. The usual flow was something like this:
Them: Reagan’s a Nazi!
Me: Well, I think Reagan is okay.
Them: You fascist!
Me: Hey, what’s fascist about that?
Them: Next question.
Me: No, really, what’s fascist about that?
Them: If you have to ask, you’re beyond help.
My favorite military anecdote is from boot camp. One of the DIs threw away an old pair of shoes, and one of the recruits pulled them out of the trash, I think to see how well-polished they were. Later, the DI came out of the duty hut, noticed the shoes, and started screaming at the recruit. “God Damnit! I can’t even fucking throw things away without monkeys like you digging my shit out of the garbage? I can’t believe it! Thank God I flush after I go to the head, or you’d probably fish that out and send it home to your momma, too!” Poor kid about had an embolism on the spot.
I also cracked up (inside, so that I didn’t have to join the guy being disciplined) every time that a DI told a recruit “you’re gonna do this until I get tired.” You have to be there to understand it… It’s hard to explain how funny Drill Instructors can be when you’re tired, and stressed, and close to graduation.
Adam from Utah(NBCOFL) writes about the need for sidearms:
I think the military branches have two things totally in common.
Their number one goal is protecting america by killing evil forigners, either from above(USAF), below(NAVY), from afar(ARMY), or upclose(Marines), and thusly will always have my utmost respect and admiration.
They also have in common the fact that vile nasty liberals will always oppose their number one goal even at the cost of the lives of these heroes.
I have only an example from my best friend who is a marine. He just returned from IRAQ. He said the biggest problem he had with the combat wasn’t the killing or the bad food or the dusty hellhole that is IRAQ. It was that thanks to Clintons slashing and burning of america’s military, only officers got issued sidearms. This is still the case after 4 years of a sane president trying to recover from Clinton! when riding from one place to another he got to sit unarmed in the front seat, and when they came under fire (numerous times) he had the distinct pleasure of having to run to the back of the vehicle, under fire, to retrieve his M-16 before he could get back to goal #1.
I know this is a marine story, but i bet other services have other such gripes, even if they aren’t so vividly played out under fire.
I never knew the rules on who gets sidearms in the military, but it seems to be pretty bad to go out where you might have actual combat and not have a backup gun.
Lydia writes about here military experience with pudding:
I wasn’t gonna inundate you with more military stuff, but I’ve got a good anecdote you might like to hear.
I was in GW I, and one of my fondest memories is an incident between myself and my Squad Sgt, Sgt. Salazar (Sgt. Sal).
I had just finished night shift, and he was my relief. We grabbed some chow, which (rarely) included pudding. Kicking back and eatin in the shelter (very cramped, squat-T-shaped metal box on the bed of a truck), Sgt Sal was busy watching the switchboard, while I went off into la-la-land, dredging up memories of how me and my brother used to do the ole “you like seafood?” bit. So, as a gag, I put some puddin in the yaw, and patiently waited, and waited, and waited for Sal to turn around. But my patience wouldn’t last long, because the simple expectation (plus being giddy after 12 hrs) of his reaction brought on uncontrollable, yet stifled giggles. Just when I couldn’t hold it anymore, Sal turns to me RIGHT as the giggles turn into full blown laughter, and **SPLAT**, I spew pudding all over him, mostly his face.
Well, I began laughing like a fucking hyena at this point. The look on his face was to die for… a WTF? combined with “what a fucking maroon” and then an eventual smile and laughter, cuz laughter after all, is contagious.
Jeff from St. Paul Minnesota sent this:
My brother, who graduated from the Air Force Academy, sent me these. I was instructed to open them in the following order: Marine, Army, Navy and Air Force.
Marine
Army
Navy
Air Force
Good ‘ole Serenity has this about hazing the new guys:
Don’t have any long particular incidents to tell you about and I don’t know if anybody has already told you about this little trick we used to play on the FNG’s (F*cking New Guys) aka newbies.
I was a Military Police officer and while we did mostly garrison duty, we also had to go out to the field quite a bit to train for war time situations and how to set up perimeters, road blocks, deal with EPW’s, etc.
Therefore, if one wasn’t scheduled for duty, meaning, garrison duty, that person would be in training. Whenever we would get a newbie, they always went straight into training for one to two weeks. Part of our training was dealing with maps and also maintaining our HUMVEES. (It’s been so long I forgot the correct abbreviation).
To break the newbie in and to give ourselves a nice laugh at their expense, we would be in the middle of training and the trainer would stop and say, “Damnit! I forgot the grid squares! PVT Newbie! Go to the 1st Sgt and get the box of grid squares from him. They’re in his office.”
And the newbie would go.
As you know, there is no such thing as a box of grid squares. The grid squares are already drawn on the map.
Other times we would be out at the motorpool going over our vehicles, HUMVEES. If we had a newbie, we would send him off on a mission.
“PVT Newbie! Go to the person in charge at the motorpool and ask him for the keys so we can start these HUMVEES.”
And off the newbie would go.
HUMVEES don’t require a key to start. It’s a matter of flicking a switch. What’s even more hilarious is that the ONLY keys required were the ones to unlock the steering column/wheel and we would have already done this, right in front of the newbie.
This was a great way to size up the newbie, see how smart they were and welcome them into our platoon.
Reminds me of when I worked in the foodcourt of a mall, and the common joke for a newbie was to send him to another resturaunt to get a bucket of steam. I was spared the joke because I never listen:
“I’m here to get something.”
“What?”
“I dunno; call ’em back and ask ’em.”
Finally, Darin has some wisdom from the definitve source:
My favorite military quote: “They don’t call me Colonel Homer because I am some dumb-ass army guy” -Homer Simpson
Bonus point to who can identify the episode that’s from without looking it up.
I have a backlog of more to put up, but keep it coming. If you have military experience (first-hand or second-hand) I’d love to hear more jokes and anecdotes. E-mail me with the subject “Military”. A big thanks to everyone who has sent in e-mails already.
When Will Censorship Stop?
My college newspaper, The Tartan, which I wrote numerous editorials for back in the day (some of which I think are still available online), got shut down for being racially insensitive in their April Fools issue (the “Natrat”). What’s it with races and being so sensitive? I haven’t seen the issue in question (nor the comic), but completely shutting down the paper seems like a bit of an overreaction.
At least there’s one good quote from the article: “Anyone who’s ever written satire knows it’s not really easy.”
Yeah, people; appreciate me more.
The Limey – Episode VIII: The Good, the Bad, and the Limey
STARRING
Tony Pentin as The Limey
Frank J. as American Frank
Created by Stupiud Bastrad Productions
Broadcast by the BBC
Logo by Tom Bux of The Nap Room
Previous Episodes:
Episode I: The Limey
Episode II: Return of The Limey
Episode III: The Red Letter
Episode IV: Jokes and Murder
Episode V: The Lime Turns Sour
Episode VI: Bloody Fascism
Episode VII: Lime Another Day
In order to meet broadcast standards and make this appropriate for The Children™, all profanity has been dubbed over.
As we join the The Limey, he writes yet another e-mail to attack the pysche of the backwoodsman, American Frank. Now, he even has a date for his socialist mayhem:
Hello ronin. I have to say well done to my coalition members for keeping up the fight against you and your braindead friends on that website of yours. Do you mind if I call you ronin? I don’t really care if you do take offence, dishonorable fool, because I’ll still call you a ronin anyway. Ok ronin! That “J” after your name stands for “just a ronin” and if any of your right-wing lunatic thug-like friends tell you different, they’re lying.
I don’t know how you came to the conclusion that XTREME ONE, Carl, Spanish Militant and Johnny Depp are just me in disguise. Just because they email very quickly after each other doesn’t mean they are the same people, you wacky-smacky flip-flappy diddly-doo ronin! They contact each other through their email accounts to inform one another that they are about to go onto your website. I just thought I better clear that up for you, ronin! Ok ronin!
I know I said this in the earlier emails to you but go and get a map. GET A FUDGE-LOVING MAP RIGHT NOW RONIN! Wales is a country. That’s W-A-L-E-S-. Wales. And the capital of Wales is Cardiff. There is a football team [Ed Note: He means “metric football”] there called Cardiff City. And they are better than every American soccer team, basketball team, hockey team, american football team and baseball team put together! And Cardiff City are not even good at [metric] football!
Once again Fascist McFascist does not exist. He DOES NOT exist, Jackass. There are people that are extremely fascist like your president but Fascist McFascist does not exist. He is just a fantasy. And to go completely off that subject, your obsession with monkeys is highly disturbing! You have a fetish with monkeys. You need help! I’m not sure whether I should laugh at you, murder you or get you some help and convert you to a democratic left-of-centre visionary like myself. One thing’s for sure – something needs to be done about you, ronin. You’re completely mad! As mad as a Salt Lake City mormon on a sunday!
Yes Hitler didn’t like travellers. When I say travellers I don’t mean tourists, I mean travellers. Travellers are people (just like gypsies) who live in caravans. You’re off to Idaho to visit your family? I think Hitler would have spared your life. Hitler was an evil bigot – you and him would have got on very well. If you lived in 1940’s Germany he would have let you be a part of his government. I’m sure of it. The moment you’d see that black uniform – you’d be in there without doubt.
Why do you talk about Rage Against the Machine as if they still exist? That great band split up in 2001. They did their last gig in September 2000 and then Zac de la Rocha quit the band. The other three band members re-grouped and then decided to quit the band in 2001. They got together with Chris Cornell (who used to be in Soundgarden) and formed Audioslave. They did their first album in 2002 and released it at the end of that year. I doesn’t surprise me that you were unaware that Rage split up. After all it takes weeks and weeks to get news about any new developments to the backwoodsmen in Texas! Rage might have split up but the spirit of the band continues.
I think you should get some help from your doctor (or bully him into giving you free prescriptions under that evil privatised system) for your neurosis. You are unable to think logically, ronin. You are unstable. The coalition thinks you need a psychological evaluation. And the same goes for all the other maniacs on your website. Some of the most fluffed up have to be…
Liberty Bob (About as extreme right as you can imagine. Complete nutcase. Contender for 2004 Idiot of the Year. Also wants to bomb France and Canada for no apparent reason other than they’re not Americans.)
Adam (Bigot with a bible.)
Sarah K (Evil female dog. Could be Frank the ronin’s girlfriend.)
Sandor at the Zoo (With a name like that this person definitely needs help.)
You’re all fluffed up in the head!
Go and get help for that neurosis, ronin!
I see April Fools Day has just passed. But you and all those bigots on your website are fools every day.
Since we mentioned Die Hard the last time we argued, I’d like to talk about another film. Falling Down starring Michael Douglas. This is an absolute classic. A great film (even a ronin like you must have heard of it!). A left-wing man loses his job and decides to take on the system. It’s about a liberal in a fascist society. I’m not sure what my favourite part is but here’s a few of the best moments in the film…
When he tells the shop owner that his prices are too high and smashes his store up. Many people on the Left in America and around the world at the time could relate to Douglas’ character because there was a recession on.
When he holds up a fast food store. A brilliant moment in the film. He rants about the propaganda of the big juicy burger on display when he receives a “crushed sorry little thing” that looks nothing like the advertisement on display. I can relate to this. I WANT TO DO THIS! I WANT TO PULL OUT A GUN IN MCDONALDS AND DEMAND THEM TO STOP THE EXPLOITATION!
When he kills a Nazi military store owner. I bet you hate this part, ronin.
When he scares two middle-class golfers by pulling out his vast amount of weapons.
A very left-of-centre film. The fast food store moment is a great part. It gets me in the mood especially with May Day approaching. The Left is gonna send a message that day! I want to see McDonalds blown up! I remember the May Day anti-capitalist protests in 2000 in London. Brilliant. The Left sent a message that day and will do again this time around. Have a look at this report on the riots on May 1st, 2000.
http://fergusmurray.members.beeb.net/may2000.htm
I’ve been thinking about going down to London on May 1st and joining in. Or maybe I’ll start a protest up here. YUCK CAPITALISM! YUCK CAPITALISM! YUCK CAPITALISM! YUCK CAPITALISM! YUCK CAPITALISM! YUCK CAPITALISM! YUCK CAPITALISM! YUCK CAPITALISM! YUCK CAPITALISM!
STOP MCDONALDS!
STOP LOW WAGES!
STOP PRIVATISATION!
STOP POVERTY!
STOP RACISM!
STOP XENOPHOBIA!
STOP SEXISM!
STOP DISCRIMINATION TO MINORITY GROUPS!
STOP IGNORANCE!
STOP WAR!
STOP CAPITALISM!
STOP CONSERVATISM!
STOP GREED!
STOP FASCISM!
YUCKY-BOO TO THE SYSTEM!
YUCKY-BOO FRANK THE RONIN!
YUCKY-BOO FRANK THE RONIN’S PATRIOTIC WAYS!
YUCKY-BOO FRANK THE RONIN’S FRIENDS!
YUCKY-BOO THE WHITE HOUSE! BLOW UP THE WHITE HOUSE! YEAH!
I DEMAND A DEMOCRACY!
THE PEOPLE WILL SPEAK ON MAY 1ST, 2004!
Surely American Frank must now be frightened beyond belief with the date of 05/01/04 hanging over his head like the sword of Damocles. Wait! Something seems to have changes within American Frank, and now he feverishly types his response, his spirit renewed:
You have finally convinced me with your great oratory, limey! Boo to capitalism. It poisons all it touches like a poison that touches things and makes them poisoned. “Peh!” I say to it (that’s the sound I make when I spit).
I’m sorry I ever made the fool mistake to think your great revolutionary friends were just you in brilliant disguise, limey. The only reason they posted with the same IP and within seconds of each other is to save bandwidth. What great left-wing revolutionaries they are, and I hope I can stand at their sides one day. I have un-banned their IP so I may share in their wisdom.
I will finally buy that map, limey, and find this great place you mention called Cardriff that rest in the belly of a whale. I would love to see them play their soccer against one of our foolish capitalistic basketball teams (the fools would try to dribble the ball while the wily Cardriff’s would kick it out of the way! Ha ha!). The baseball players might hit your Cardriff people with bats, but that’s just because they are evil capitalists. “Peh!” to them (that’s me spitting again).
You’re right, limey my comrade, Fascist McFascist, despite his autobiography being on the New York Times bestseller list, is but an invention of the capitalistic, right-wing media to scare fools like me. He is no more real than Che Guevara. “Peh!” I would spit at him if he existed which he does not so I spit at nothing but that’s okay because I kinda needed to spit anyway. And there is no need to murder me; I will now treat monkeys as my socialist brethren. They fight on our side, and should no longer fear the Charlton Hestons who would try to keep them down. And you are right about those Mormons; I’ve been to Salt Lake City, and the roam the country-side on Sunday with axes in hand killing everything in site. It is no place for a good leftist at all. Nashville is kinda nice, though, if you like country music, limey.
The reason I talk of Rage Against the Machine as if they still exist is because they do… in our hearts. Yes, inside us they still rage against machines… and sometime organs. In fact, they are a source of much indigestion. But it is a good socialist indigestion, limey, and I am proud to have it. I am reminded of their lyrics from their song “Renegades of Funk”:
I think I did it again
I made you believe we’re more than just friends
Oh baby
It might seem like a crush
But it doesn’t mean that I’m serious
‘Cause to lose all my senses
That is just so typically me
Oh baby, baby
Oops!…I did it again
I played with your heart, got lost in the game
Oh baby, baby
Oops!…You think I’m in love
That I’m sent from above
I’m not that innocent
Rage on, my leftist friends! Rage on, for the machine still lives!
And I have no need for drugs; a little lime was all that it took to cure me. You are right about all those horrible people you listed. They are now banned from my site.
I have the seen the movie Falling Down, limey. Many who reviewed it when it first came out (you were probably too young to remember) thought the main character represented the disenfranchised, angry Rush Limbaugh listener, but your take on it is unique and most likely correct. You should do limey movie reviews so we know the good, leftist movies to see. What did you think of Dude, Where’s My Car?
I am revved up now, limey! I shall smash all capitalistic things with a bat!
…actually, the bat came from capitalism too.
I smash all capitalistic things with a rock I stole from my neighbor’s yard!
Stop capitalism! Stop racism! Stop carpal tunnel syndrome! Stop signs! Stop Regis Philbin! Stop hopping on pop! Stop staring at me! Stop stopping!
For that is what socialism does; it stops things! I have seen the light, limey my friend, and all else is dark in my eyes. I will wait expectantly for this May 1st when capitalism will surely fall! Viva la revolution!
Your comrade,
Socialist Frank
P.S. By the way, I’m trying to solve this crossword puzzle, and I was wondering if you could help me. I need a six letter word for “socialist revolutionary” with the second letter being an ‘A’ and the fourth letter a ‘K’.
Oh wait… I got it…
W-A-N-K-E-R
Will The Limey accept American Frank into his ranks? Will American Frank really stick with his socialist beliefs? Will monkeys fly out of your butt? Find out in the next episode of…
THE LIMEY!