Our Military V

More military anecdotes, and hopefully none of these will get any blood boiling. I don’t edit these like I do The Limey, so they may have foul language if that bothers you.


Max has a bit more on the feared drill instructor plus other comments:

I’ve been a reader for some time. Great work! Saw your call for anecdotes from former military folks. I was in the USMC Reserves from 1982-1988, doing active drills from ’83 to ’86, and active duty for training. Never saw combat, but like a lot of reservists, I was going to school at the time – in my case, I was attending UC Berkeley, which was a different kind of combat.
I’ve had the usual radical-vs-military debates hundreds of times, dignified as “debates” only because they were filled with sound and fury, and signified nothing. The usual flow was something like this:
Them: Reagan’s a Nazi!
Me: Well, I think Reagan is okay.
Them: You fascist!
Me: Hey, what’s fascist about that?
Them: Next question.
Me: No, really, what’s fascist about that?
Them: If you have to ask, you’re beyond help.
My favorite military anecdote is from boot camp. One of the DIs threw away an old pair of shoes, and one of the recruits pulled them out of the trash, I think to see how well-polished they were. Later, the DI came out of the duty hut, noticed the shoes, and started screaming at the recruit. “God Damnit! I can’t even fucking throw things away without monkeys like you digging my shit out of the garbage? I can’t believe it! Thank God I flush after I go to the head, or you’d probably fish that out and send it home to your momma, too!” Poor kid about had an embolism on the spot.
I also cracked up (inside, so that I didn’t have to join the guy being disciplined) every time that a DI told a recruit “you’re gonna do this until I get tired.” You have to be there to understand it… It’s hard to explain how funny Drill Instructors can be when you’re tired, and stressed, and close to graduation.

Adam from Utah(NBCOFL) writes about the need for sidearms:

I think the military branches have two things totally in common.
Their number one goal is protecting america by killing evil forigners, either from above(USAF), below(NAVY), from afar(ARMY), or upclose(Marines), and thusly will always have my utmost respect and admiration.
They also have in common the fact that vile nasty liberals will always oppose their number one goal even at the cost of the lives of these heroes.
I have only an example from my best friend who is a marine. He just returned from IRAQ. He said the biggest problem he had with the combat wasn’t the killing or the bad food or the dusty hellhole that is IRAQ. It was that thanks to Clintons slashing and burning of america’s military, only officers got issued sidearms. This is still the case after 4 years of a sane president trying to recover from Clinton! when riding from one place to another he got to sit unarmed in the front seat, and when they came under fire (numerous times) he had the distinct pleasure of having to run to the back of the vehicle, under fire, to retrieve his M-16 before he could get back to goal #1.
I know this is a marine story, but i bet other services have other such gripes, even if they aren’t so vividly played out under fire.

I never knew the rules on who gets sidearms in the military, but it seems to be pretty bad to go out where you might have actual combat and not have a backup gun.
Lydia writes about here military experience with pudding:

I wasn’t gonna inundate you with more military stuff, but I’ve got a good anecdote you might like to hear.
I was in GW I, and one of my fondest memories is an incident between myself and my Squad Sgt, Sgt. Salazar (Sgt. Sal).
I had just finished night shift, and he was my relief. We grabbed some chow, which (rarely) included pudding. Kicking back and eatin in the shelter (very cramped, squat-T-shaped metal box on the bed of a truck), Sgt Sal was busy watching the switchboard, while I went off into la-la-land, dredging up memories of how me and my brother used to do the ole “you like seafood?” bit. So, as a gag, I put some puddin in the yaw, and patiently waited, and waited, and waited for Sal to turn around. But my patience wouldn’t last long, because the simple expectation (plus being giddy after 12 hrs) of his reaction brought on uncontrollable, yet stifled giggles. Just when I couldn’t hold it anymore, Sal turns to me RIGHT as the giggles turn into full blown laughter, and **SPLAT**, I spew pudding all over him, mostly his face.
Well, I began laughing like a fucking hyena at this point. The look on his face was to die for… a WTF? combined with “what a fucking maroon” and then an eventual smile and laughter, cuz laughter after all, is contagious.

Jeff from St. Paul Minnesota sent this:

My brother, who graduated from the Air Force Academy, sent me these. I was instructed to open them in the following order: Marine, Army, Navy and Air Force.
Marine
Army
Navy
Air Force

Good ‘ole Serenity has this about hazing the new guys:

Don’t have any long particular incidents to tell you about and I don’t know if anybody has already told you about this little trick we used to play on the FNG’s (F*cking New Guys) aka newbies.
I was a Military Police officer and while we did mostly garrison duty, we also had to go out to the field quite a bit to train for war time situations and how to set up perimeters, road blocks, deal with EPW’s, etc.
Therefore, if one wasn’t scheduled for duty, meaning, garrison duty, that person would be in training. Whenever we would get a newbie, they always went straight into training for one to two weeks. Part of our training was dealing with maps and also maintaining our HUMVEES. (It’s been so long I forgot the correct abbreviation).
To break the newbie in and to give ourselves a nice laugh at their expense, we would be in the middle of training and the trainer would stop and say, “Damnit! I forgot the grid squares! PVT Newbie! Go to the 1st Sgt and get the box of grid squares from him. They’re in his office.”
And the newbie would go.
As you know, there is no such thing as a box of grid squares. The grid squares are already drawn on the map.
Other times we would be out at the motorpool going over our vehicles, HUMVEES. If we had a newbie, we would send him off on a mission.
“PVT Newbie! Go to the person in charge at the motorpool and ask him for the keys so we can start these HUMVEES.”
And off the newbie would go.
HUMVEES don’t require a key to start. It’s a matter of flicking a switch. What’s even more hilarious is that the ONLY keys required were the ones to unlock the steering column/wheel and we would have already done this, right in front of the newbie.
This was a great way to size up the newbie, see how smart they were and welcome them into our platoon.

Reminds me of when I worked in the foodcourt of a mall, and the common joke for a newbie was to send him to another resturaunt to get a bucket of steam. I was spared the joke because I never listen:

“I’m here to get something.”
“What?”
“I dunno; call ’em back and ask ’em.”

Finally, Darin has some wisdom from the definitve source:

My favorite military quote: “They don’t call me Colonel Homer because I am some dumb-ass army guy” -Homer Simpson

Bonus point to who can identify the episode that’s from without looking it up.


I have a backlog of more to put up, but keep it coming. If you have military experience (first-hand or second-hand) I’d love to hear more jokes and anecdotes. E-mail me with the subject “Military”. A big thanks to everyone who has sent in e-mails already.

43 Comments

  1. Yeah, my husband was asked to got retrieve something imaginary and went to take a nap in a humvee. When they found him asleep he said that he figured the only way he would find it was in his dreams.

  2. #1 — Colonel Homer was in teh episode where Homer becomes a country music manager for Lurlene.
    #2 — The four photos are inaccurate — yes, marines in the field do sleep in teh guck, but the “Air Force” photo is actually a picture of an off duty Marine. Look at the hair. And no air force weeny has muscles, or gets girls who weigh less than he does.

  3. historically, officers were the only ones issued sidearms. sounds terrible, but sidearms were issued mostly in case they were needed against their own men, either to prevent a lone retreater from spreading panic or to maintain his command. i don’t know if that’s why only officers get sidearms now or if it’s just a relic.
    anyone know if sidearms were ever standard issue for rank and file? i don’t think they were.

  4. I don’t know anything about the side-arm question either, but what came to my mind was, why wasn’t the Marine allowed to have his M-16 in the cab with him? I know we sure did.

  5. I’ve been in the Army for almost 15 years and have never heard of anytime when every soldier and officer was issued both rifles and sidearms. I’m an engineer and in an engineer company the CO and 1SG are the only ones who are issued pistols. Everyone else gets a rifle, even the LTs and most of the battalion staff. Other branches are different though. I am pretty sure that most all of the armored vehicle crewmembers carry pistols. Rifles don’t fit well in tanks and are hard to bring to bear when you need them in a hurry. Tankers also have 3 machine guns and a main gun to use. If they have to resort to individual weapons they probably shouldn’t be where they are.
    I personally liked the pistol when I was in garrison or in the field outside of a combat zone. It’s easier to carry, easier to clean, easier to keep track of, etc. When it was for real I made sure I got ahold of a rifle.

    If I had to take a stab at why everyone isn’t issued both I would bet that logistics (read money) plays a big part. The Army wants everyone to qualify on their assigned weapon at least twice a year. To have everyone qualify on two weapons would nearly double the ammunition budget.

    To add a little to hazing new guys. I’ve seen new troops sent on just about every mission you could imagine: change out the winter air to summer air in tires, change the blinker fluid in vehicle turn signals, check muffler bearings, get a can of squelch for the radio, use a hammer to look for soft spots on the APC …

  6. Frank, very funny stuff. All the others, good stories, keep ’em coming. My Dad was in the Army, airborne infantry, in WWII and told me he sent money home to his folks to buy him a colt M-1911 .45 pistol as a back up even though he was supposed to have a sidearm since he was a sgt., so who knows things fall through the cracks.
    I was a newly minted ensign in ’80 and, I guess, really a FNG and very green. An old CPO sent me on a snipe hunt down in main engineering as my right of passage. Embarassing but all in good fun. Later, as an LTJG, I sent new ensigns to stand watch for the mail bouy and to the Quartermasters for some sky hooks.
    Thanks for bringing back the memories. God bless are brave men and women in harms way that someday they will have memories of happier times.

  7. My husband was an enlisted aerial observer on a CH-46 in the Marine Corps (’92-’98) and he was issued and qualified on both rifle and pistol. The pistol for when he flew, the rifle for all other times.
    There were many FNG’s who were sent to supply for a few more yards of flightline by my dear, sweet husband, but it was always in good fun. 🙂

  8. In light of the Iconic Status of guns on this site, I propose the following IMAO unit motto:
    {Drum Roll}
    {Trumpet Flourish}
    {Sound of mutilple beer openings}
    “If in doubt, empty the clip.”
    Amen

  9. Yeah, the “go get a hundred yards of flightline” is still in service. “Flightline” is the general term for the place the aircraft are. See also: ramp.
    Also, to have fun with the newbies:
    Batteries for the aluminum magnet
    Blinker fluid.
    Headlight fluid.
    Serenity, let me check my military license: HMMWV
    On sidearms: Now, I don’t see combat (I’m an aircraft mechanic), but when I’m deployed I don’t get a weapon at all. I’d really appreciate having something. Last time I was there I almost had to club a mysterious looking fellow with a large torque wrench. Fortunately, the SPs happened to be around and handled the situation.

  10. another fun one is batteries for the ChemLights (those stupid glowsticks for you civilians- you just pop ’em…)
    And damn you Jeff’s brother for yet again pointing out why I should have joined the Air Force! 😉
    Oh and Serenity… the real hummer abbreviation is HMMWV- High Mobility Multipurpose Wheeled Vehicle 🙂

  11. My hubby used to send guys to get a left-handed screwdriver or a yard of flight line. Legend has it that one time it backfired– the guy actually succeeded in ordering a yard of flight line, and paving trucks showed up prepared to pave a three-foot-long strip at the end of the runway, at a huge cost that was to be charged to that guy’s unit.

  12. Speaking of being surrounded by half naked something, I recommend you to see this. Not for children.
    I have got half a tooth against President Bush because of the Fallujah conflicts. During one year, there had more than 200 soldiers who have died in Fallujah. Now, there are 4 civilians who where dragged in Fallujah and we got more than 35 troops dead within 3 days while it would have be easy to simply make all the inhabitants of Fallujah prisoners of war and destroy this all gun hole town.
    That’s silly you know. 200 American soldiers have died and no one moved. Four American civilians have died, and they will make 50 more dead to avenge 4 dead that will never be avenged with 50.
    The civilians were over 35. Among the 50 dead in Fallujah during last 3 days, there had 5 that were only 18. Five more that were only 19. And less than 5 that were above Frank’s age.
    There something so disgusting in what is happening now in Iraq, that Bush with assholes is a fair reply.

  13. I don’t know if this was usual, but I do know that Sgt York used his Colt 1911 during his heroic action in WWI. I think he was issued it, but I’m not sure.
    I figured you would like that one Frank, knowing that you love your 1911.
    300 Germans can’t be wrong, don’t mess with a crazy American with a Colt 1911 and an Enfield.

  14. Snickering up my sleeve,
    There had refugee camps in Jordan during the war in 2003 which have kept empty until the end of the conflicts. I think that they should move the camp outside of Fallujah, make all the people prisoner, destroy completely Fallujah, brainwash the people with schools, education and work on the reconstruction of a new Fallujah under the management of a real architects that could lead the men for something constructive rather than fights that bring to nowhere.
    It would be reeducations camps, but it could be a model for the other bad people that would have the bad idea to kill Americans.
    No more US dieing from Fallujah. No more Iraqi civilians dieing in the fights. No more weapons and no more attacks. That’s the only way I think to change the anti-American sentiment of the people in Fallujah.

  15. Ah. Newbie pranks. In high school shop it was the board stretcher. If somebody new in class cut a piece of wood too short, the shop teacher would have a look, stroke his chin, and then say calmly, “That’s okay. We can just lengthen it with the board stretcher.” Blank look from the student. “Oh, you’ve never used the board stretcher? It’s over in Mr. So-and-so’s room.” Out he’d go, to return either more puzzled or completely red in the face!

  16. –In the Marine Corps, Officers, Staff NCO’s, and certain enlisted MOS’s are armed with handguns (MP’s, Tankers, etc.). This is called a T/O (Table of Organization) weapon. It is what the paperwork says you get issued. HOWEVER, in time of great sh** hitting fan, it is not at all uncommon to see the lieutenant or the Gunny with a rifle in his hand also. In my case, I carried my Beretta M9, an M4 or M16A2, and a Remington 870. No such thing as overkill.
    –No Marine in a combat zone would be putting his rifle in the back of a truck and his body in the front of said truck. You carry it with you. If there is actually a unit or someone out there doing that crazy stuff, they are in-f’ing-sane.

  17. When you consider the Table of Organization taken in the gun battle, it seems anyway an evidence that there is half the battle that is managed at the front while the other half is only managed at the back. Running after a gun while you should be shotting after the shit you are in seems to be completely desperate. When you carry a gun, it is because you know that the shit happens always and better have it at the front than loaded at the back. I mean the gun, not the shit of course.
    It sounds like there is ketchup in the machine !
    🙂

  18. I have understood that Dave in Texas, but what I was wondering is if the Table of Organization was referring to something else, and I don’t rather understood this because there is one word that I usually don’t use as it was translated with reverso.
    Anyway, it seems that the Table of Organization is under very strict surveillance and there is nothing to worry about tough.

  19. –Amphy, the Table of Organization is some big database thingy that tells what each person in a military unit does and what they carry (all equipment, not just guns). It is the document that says that a Private First Class carries and M16 and a Major carries a 9mm handgun. That’s all. Everything in the military is documented and written up in convuluted, beauracratic documents… they give the civilians and staff people something to do.

  20. If that is supposed to be hazing, I’ll have to put in scare quotes, “hazing.” There, that’s better. I never sent a nub out for a bucket of steam.
    Sprayed him with a 150# Firehose, mebbe. Bucket O’ Steam? No.
    Taped someone to the shaft? Possibly. Sent them on a mission to find keys to a combo lock? That’s plain silly.

  21. –No, Amphy… that is not right. Our troops are not sitting anywhere without their weapons. The T/O has nothing whatsoever to do with that. I’m starting to feel played with here, so I’ll go away quietly…

  22. I did not mean to make you feel played in any way Devil Dog.
    I am just mocking at President Bush as Sanchez is mocking of America when he backs the mistakes that have made more than 50 troops dead and an anniversary of the victory of Baghdad that is not an anniversary at all.
    Nobody get obfuscated after the death of young soldiers but you bring an ass, a fart, and a head and there they call it scandal.
    What are we supposed to know best our ass or our gun ?
    On a war field I guess that it is your ass that you’ll try to save first.
    Anyway, it seems that Adam did not relate properly the story which is better reassuring.

  23. Oh man, sorry DarthVOB, I hadn’t checked the comments here for awhile….
    I was a 36M, and where our exact location was, I have no idea to this day. I’ve forgotten what our area was called, too. SA, then a move into Iraq, then back down to KKMC.
    What’s TYC39? You remember tent city and the coooooooold showers? bbbbrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..

  24. Listen, I hate Micheal Moore with a passion, and anyone in their right mind couldn’t believe his leftist propoganda. But, does he make any valid points about any issues, or is he a typical political shit slinger. Oh let me stress the point that i hate him so much i would like to see him tortured.

  25. Flightline, whoa! would have thought someone changed the name by name. How about, out yonder where them there airmachines are at! to much jp4 fumes or what! Anyhow, I did not carry a sidearm then, But now I carry a Springfield 1911a1, c&L, Bail Bondsman, kind of like being a officer. Shoot someone trying to get out of dodge. I love the smell of jp4 in the morning.
    Rainwater, Crewchief F-4

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