“I’m President Bush, and I approve this message.”
“You don’t have to say that before a speech,” remarked a reporter.
“Shut up!” Bush shouted, “This is my speech, and I can do what I want!” He looked at some index cards. “Now what did I want to say… Oh! We are doing good in Iraq. Many bad people are dying. Osama is a bad man and we will find him. There are many camels in Iraq. And… uh…” He shuffled through his index cards. “Oh yeah… and screw you stupid reporters. I will now open the floor for questions, but I would like to point out that I have one brick.” Bush held up a red brick. “I will throw it at the head of anyone whose question makes me mad. You may think I might not use it on you because your question isn’t maddening enough, but I remind you I’m quite impulsive. Who has the first question?”
“Would you like to apologize for anything involving 9/11 because… AHHH!”
“Damn; there goes my only brick,” Bush sighed, “Next question.”
“Do you regret anything during your presidency?”
“No, and you suck,” Bush answered.
“Is there anything you think you should apologize for?”
“You’re all asking the same damn questions!” Bush exclaimed, “I don’t regret or apologize for anything. It was terrorists who crashed those planes on 9/11; not me! I only crashed two planes in my entire life, and never into buildings. And, after all the terrorist evil, I went and killed bad people, like a good president should. I regret nothing! Now does someone have some question that doesn’t involve apologizing or regretting?”
“What do you think of comparisons of Iraq to the quagmire in Vietnam?”
“That’s stupid,” Bush answered, “Anyone who thinks that is a complete retard… and I mean drooling on himself. Let’s look at the facts. Vietnam was a jungle. Iraq is a desert. There were Asian people in Vietnam. There are Arab people in Iraq. Oh, and one last thing: I’m going to win in Iraq! You hear that?” Bush shook his fist. “Bad people die when I’m president, and I don’t back down! You write that in your writing book thingies.”
“Our notepads?” suggested one reporter.
“Could one of you hand me back my brick?” Bush asked.
No one moved.
“You guys are useless! Ask your next stupid question.”
“Why are both you and Vice President Cheney going to testify before the 9/11 commission together?”
“Well… uh… er…” Bush stammered, “You see… I think Dick might answer that better.”
Cheney walked on to stage. “SHUT UP!” he shouted, threw a whiskey bottle at the reporters, and then walked off.
“Good ‘ole drunken Dick,” Bush chuckled, “Always straight and to the point. Anymore questions?”
“Is there anything you regret having done since 9/11?”
Bush groaned. “I regret not bringing more bricks.”
Cheney walked on to stage. “SHUT UP!” he shouted, threw a whiskey bottle at the reporters, and then walked off.
“Good ‘ole drunken Dick,” Bush chuckled, “Always straight and to the point. Anymore questions?”
Frank some of your finest work yet.
“I regret not bringing more bricks.”
CLASSIC!
“‘Could one of you hand me back my brick?’ Bush asked.
No one moved.”
Not only are they biased, and annoying, but rude too! He asked very nicely if they could return the brick, and no one moved a muscle.
Lousy liberal press.
Maybe next time he can tie his brick to a rope. That way he can pull it back and not have to rely useless reporters.
–Oh, my… if ever in my life I wanted to see Frank’s version of Rummy, it was during that “press conference”. I wanted the SecDef to come out and save the President… wanted him to STRANGLE one or two of those idiotic MORONS. Then, maybe he could have shot a few of them, too. But no… it was not to be… no Rummy… no Chomps… not even a whiskey bottle chucking Cheney. Just the President trying to choke back his obvious disgust and maintain civility, even though those cannibals gave up theirs long ago. Very sad…
–Our world is not nearly as nice as Frank’s.
Drunken Dick, most excellent!
The reason I like W so much is he just has that look like he’s holding back on a big 32oz can of whip ass.
My favorite part of his press conference: “Freedom is a gift from the Almighty.”
Man, I wish his is how it happened. 🙂 I was practically screaming at the radio when I was driving home the other night listening to this bash Bush by raging mad partisan media.
I have to agree with Devil Dog here, I could see it happen:
Bush gets to the microphone, with Rumsfield standing near the back, and the reporter asks some absurd question about apologies or regrets or mistakes, Bush motions to Rummy, and Rummy roars, jumps to where the reporter is, and drags him off stage to where good ol’ Chomps is waiting, a nice snack for our favorite dog. 🙂
Either that, or have a pellet / rubber bullet gun or something:
Mr President, do you regret your war-mongering …….BAM!
“OW!!!!!!” as the member of the partisan media falls over in agony, and Rummy drags him away.
Keep it up Frank!
OW!
IMAO for God
if u read the bush speech i linked, this is extra funny. if you didn’t, it’s still quite good. (the speech has a Q&A section, and this is funnier if you see how realistic the questions IMAO’s reporters ask are)…
–Tazers!! He should hit them with a Tazer when they ask one of their insightful, probing questions!!!
How about the Prez shooting them with a paintball gun, and to make things more interesting, we can mix some really foul smelling stuff in with the paint. so that the reporters will stink as well as being covered in paint.
But wait a minute- don’t the reporters already stink? Never mind.
I’m just glad that old bitch Helen Thomas is gone – they finally put that cow out to pasture.
Check it, was the brick from Gorelick’s wall?
Short and perfect!! I love it!!
rockynoggin,
That would be “whoopass” or “whupass.” Sounds like W opening that can would make an exxxxxcceeeelllllleeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnttt
IMW!
sam
Devil Dog, maybe if you buy several of Frank’s t-shirts, he will let Rummy strangle lots of liberals.
Frank, loved it, especially the drooling on himself part. The whole Iraq/Vietnam thing was great.
Anyone else here think that that one NBC reporter (can’t remember his name, he’s thin and around 45) has a real dog face? I mean literally, he looks like a dog; maybe some kind of constipated attack breed.
“I only crashed two planes in my life, and never into buildings!” haha, great stuff Frank, keep it up!
All the reporters should be assigned a square on the floor in which to stand. Above the squares are anvils suspended by cables. A button on the Presidential podium releases an anvil.
For bonus points, two extra buttons will be needed. One button release ALL the anvils. The second releases a randomly selected anvil.
I love anvils when they are used for the purpose for which they were designed.
But LibertyBob, I want to be in the White House Press Corps someday! Would I have to stand under an anvil, or would there be a section for the sane reporters? I’m thinking we could have recliners and personal assistants to bring us cocktails and refill our automatic pencils.
One day, that’s going to happen for real.
And we will all hail Frank for his prophetic vision.
And laugh our a—- off.
And we shall cherish that day, and proclaim Frank as our prophet, as it has been written….
LOL
How ’bout Bush usin’ a good ‘ol fashioned double-barreled, sawed-off 12 gauge with 00 buckshot…..hmmm..the carnage………
And I like the idea of a seperate area for the “sane” reporters; it’ll give the non-Fox reporters something to aspire to, a goal for their insignificant, useless lives
Frank Should Get Better
As a joke, Frank suggested that people start a fan club. A fan club praising, well, Frank’s genius. And if you ask me, it hasn’t really happened. First there was this one, and then this one popped up too. To…
GREAT PIECE! Great humour! I loved it!!!
My favorite part of the (real) press conference was:
R: “Why are you and Dick appearing together before the 9/11 commission?”
W: “Because they have questions for us, dumbass (implied).”
R: “But…but.. Why TOGETHER?”
W: “Because they have questions for BOTH of us, dumbass. And we save money if we carpool (implied).”
I so imagined W saing “No.” when the reporter asked him if he regretted doing something, but alas W in our world is not as cool as W IMW.
Les
(golf clap) all praise another brilliant artice by the immortal, super-oober-powerful Frank J.
Why not use Star Shurikens? The length of the blade is precise. Only by passing trough the gate of the eye can it reach the brain and kill.
It’s really simple.
I think 1st Lt. Mark V. Shaney USMC said it best when he said:
“Responsible journalism should include responsibility for one’s actions in publishing a news story in such a way that puts many other people in harm’s way; has a direct result of publication of a particular story might have on other people.
“We are a people that cherish the democratic system of government and therefore hold the will of the enemy is trying very hard to portray our efforts over here, you can refute them by knowing that we are failing, even if we are making the whole world safer. ”
Raymond Onnard
And as always: “Quidquid excusatio prandium pro!