- The Paradox Candidate: So, in summary, Kerry did and didn’t vote for funding the troops, does and doesn’t own an SUV, and he did and didn’t throw his medals over the wall. It’s like Schrˆdinger’s Cat escaped from the box.
- The Frenchest Party in Town: In one of those mass Kerry e-mails, I was encouraged to throw a John Kerry party at my house. How would that work? Maybe I could serve a John Kerry drink – a drink that’s different every time you serve it (it both does and doesn’t have vermouth; it’s nuanced). There could also be the By the Way I Served in Vietnam drink which is handed to you over and over while its name is announced loudly.
- You Served Where?: I was just thinking, my dad had served about eight months in Vietnam – twice as long as Kerry – and I think I’ve heard him mention it less throughout my entire life than I have heard Kerry mention his service in the past couple months. Me, I would exploit my service:
“Get me a beer from the fridge, boy!”
“Get it yourself.”
“Do as tell you! I served in Vietnam!” - It’s Magic!: Going back to the party idea, Kerry has the ultimate party trick. He could take his medals, throw them over a wall, and then have them magically reappear framed in a glass case when politically convenient.
- A Little Less Insurgey: That’s 43 down; how many does that leave?
- Hostages Are Nothing But Dishonorable Ronin: Interesting how the returning hostages to Japan got treated. I guess it’s a learning experience for the terrorists about which of our allies will be affected by hostage taking, and I guess they shouldn’t try it on the ones that react by getting mad at the hostages.
- The Even Lamer Superhero: Brian J. (no relation) has evidence that John Kerry is Aquaman. Am I making fun of Aquaman too much?
- I Forgot to Celebrate that Holiday: Here’s a blogger I should have added to my blogroll a while ago. Look at her description of what she did on Earth Day.
Wait, I still haven’t added her to the blogroll. I’ll do it later… - The Appeasingest Place on Earth: A very reputable new source reports that Europe has decided to give up trying to become countries and be one big theme park. It’s nice to hear that EU is finally getting realistic. (thanks to Combustible Boy for sending that in)
- Monkey News: Hong Kong has had an increase in monkey problems, monkey stealing people’s food and then throwing back at the people whatever they don’t like. So, they’re targeting the worst of the offenders to quell the problem. Fools! You must target all monkeys, as those that aren’t directly causing trouble are conspiring with the others. No country can be truly successful until they’re like us in the U.S. and get rid of all wild monkeys.
- I’m So Sorry; Let Me Comfort You: Bad news for Halle Barry; good news for single guys!
- Me Write Better: I had a group critique with my writing group on a fantasy novel I’m working on, and, unlike last time, they thought I shouldn’t toss the whole thing out. I’m getting better! Soon I’ll be the greatest novelist ever!
- Punk Kids and Animal Abuse: Stupid punk teenager beating up a poor, defenseless 400 pound bear. Seriously, what a badass. Now there’s someone with the potential to be an uber-bully. A little advice for nerds at his high school: if he asks for your lunch money, just hand it over and walk away.
- Frank Fans: I’ll have an update on activities soon. Congrats on the [blacked out]. Maybe I’ll start accepting more members in the exclusive fan club soon.
- Tick Tock: Babes, you have only today and tomorrow to enter the IMAO T-Shirt Babe Contest. No late entries will be accepted. So get moving before this one time opportunity passes you by!
Archive of entries posted on April 2004
What’s Black and White and Red All Over?
Damn Commie pandas!
What the hell is a panda? It’s not even a bear; it’s like a frick’n raccoon in disguise. And they eat bamboo; what in the world? So they’re giant raccoon’s that eat trees like some termite. All that, and they help the Commie Chinese in their public relation being that China is the only one who can dole out pandas to zoos.
Damn, giant, Commie-sympathizing, termite raccoons!
Just had to get that off my chest.
The Wrath of the Whitler
So last Wednesday I met with Bill Whittle for lunch at a local barbeque so that I might impart some of my wisdom to him to help with his only little webpage.
When I arrived he had already gotten a seat. “Hi. I’m Frank J. Fle…”
“I’m Bill Whittle!” he interrupted, “Master essayist of the blogosphere! Sit and be quiet!”
I stared at him sternly, but I wasn’t looking for a fight. Thus I sat and made my order. “You make some interesting yet long essays,” I said, trying to move the conversation to a more friendly subject, “So do you plan on writing more about America and patriotism?”
“Bah! Those subjects are of no concern to me!” he announced, “All I want is set the world record for longest blog post ever! When you start reading it, it will be topical, but moot by the time you finish! Muh ha ha ha!”
“You’re insane!” I cried.
“That’s what they said of Charles Manson,” Whittle responded, “but he’s famous now!”
Luckily, the food now came to break up the awkward conversation. Whittle took one bite and then threw the meal at the waitress. “That wasn’t cooked well enough for the Bill Whittle,” he screamed, “Cook it again.”
“I’ve had enough of your ego!” I finally announced, “You will apologize to that waitress!”
“I apologize to no one!” Whittle shouted, “Especially not at the behest of the author of IMAO, which humor is trite and repetitive!”
“You’ll pay for that insulting yet somewhat true remark!”
Whittle jumped up on top of the table. “I pay for nothing! I am the greatest writer ever, and you will bow before me, you son of a white chicken!”
“You have insulted me and my family’s honor,” I uttered with latent rage. I then smashed the table into with a mighty chop, tumbling Whittle to the ground. “We must settle this as all disputes between bloggers – kung fu fight in the parking lot!”
Whittle picked himself up. “So be it.”
Both of us were wearing a Nuke the Moon t-shirt, so we were equally armed. I could see from his stance, though, that his kung fu was inferior to mine.
Bill Whittle chooses the “Dyslexic Monkey” stance
My dragon claw style took care of him without me breaking a sweat. I then headed back to work, vowing to never meet other bloggers in person unless it’s some speaking event where I’m paid.
In My World: Something Stupid
“My poll numbers are up against that Frenchman and Woodward has this book out displaying my leadership,” Bush announced, “It’s time to do something stupid!”
“Did you even read that book Woodward wrote?” Laura asked while holding a copy of Plan of Attack.
“I’m waiting for the movie,” Bush said as he picked up the phone, “I hope I’m played by Bruce Willis.” He then spoke into the phone. “Get my cabinet together… it’s time for something stupid!”
“Let’s nuke Finland,” Condi suggested.
Bush ignored that. “Any other insane ideas.”
“If you want even better poll numbers,” Rumsfeld said, “You need another war. People like war.”
Bush considered this. “Explain.”
“I like war,” Rumsfeld said, “I’m a person.”
“Good point,” Bush answered, “but I think you should finish your first war.”
“It’s being handled,” Rumsfeld assured him. He then picked up a satellite phone and dialed Buck the Marine. “Why isn’t every evil person in Iraq dead?”
“They’re hiding and there’s a lot of them,” Buck answered, “I could use a little help. Plus, I’m running out of ammo and my Ka-Bar is getting dull.”
“Quit whining! Now I want everyone in the tri-country area who has an evil thought in his head to also have a bullet in it!” Rumsfeld hung up. “It will be handled soon.”
“Now I want some idea that will piss off even more everyone who already hates me and America,” Bush said, “Who knows how long these poll numbers will last.” He turned to Ashcroft. “You’re good at pissing people off. Any ideas?”
“Well, golly gosh, let me think,” Ashcroft said, “I have this new bill we can ram through congress called the ‘I Love America’ act.”
“What’s in the act?” Bush asked.
“You sure ask a lot of questions,” Ashcroft declared suspiciously.
“It’s just that…”
“Enemy combatant!” Ashcroft shouted as he pointed at Bush. ATF agents rushed into the room.
“It’s cool! It’s cool!” Bush assured them, and they slowly left. “Anyway, let’s focus on pissing off other countries. I hate other countries.”
“Then let’s insult the U.N.,” Condi suggested, “America did create it so that they could show our contempt to all countries at once. Maybe at their next big conference, we could send a monkey as a representative.”
“One that bites!” Bush added excitedly.
“How about instead pissing off people and governments,” Scott McClellan said, “why don’t we go play some putt putt?”
“Great idea!” Bush exclaimed, “Go get us set up and we’ll meet you there.”
Scott ran out of the room. “Idiot,” Bush remarked. “Now let’s get back to the topic at hand. I find it very funny when the people who already hate me are made even angrier, and we have at this table the greatest collection of experts at pissing off hippies and Europeans. Now let’s get a plan to abuse my office!”
“Antarctica has been declared U.S. property,” the anchorwoman announced, “President Bush saying he rightfully bought it from the natives – the penguins – for a handful of beads. All scientists and penguins still remaining on the South Poll have been herded up and placed in labor camps. The U.N. has quickly condemned this action, the U.S. representative to the U.N. responding by biting Kofi Anan and then swinging from the chandelier. A U.N. peacekeeper was brought in to bring calm… and then proceeded to attack everyone. The name of the peacekeeper has not been released, but reports are that he was angry. Very angry.
“In other news, President Bush is polling even better now against John Kerry who is currently embroiled in a legal battle with D.C. Comics. They have sued John Kerry for unspecified amount for being what they call a “blatant rip-off” of the Batman villain Two-Face…”
Task for the Weekend
Frank Fans, make sure to decode the latest message this weekend.
Babes, this is your last weekend to prepare your entry (it’s just a picture and a short statement, for pete’s sake).
Everyone else, at ease.
I Got Carded… at a Electronics Store
Yesterday, I did a few shopping errands after work. I first stopped at Ammo Attic, a local gun store, buying a Wilson brand recoil spring to replace the one on my 1991 as Kim du Toit recommended (I mentioned firing problems here). I also got some grease for the rails, a sharpening stone, and finally the gun safe I’ve been meaning to for a while (it will be delivered next week). Okay, no problem.
So I head to Best Buy to purchase a cheap radio. I had gotten moved to a different building at work ten miles further north and am now in a cube, so I figure I should get a radio and headphones to clock out distraction. They had a nice little one with AM/FM reception and a CD player for $19.99, so I picked it up. When I got to cashier, the first thing she said was, “Can I see your ID?”
I stared at her stupidly for a second. So she repeated. “Can I see your ID?”
I rechecked my merchandise to see if a six-pack of beer had slipped in. Then I remembered my impulse purchase, the computer game Hitman: Contracts. I had really liked the previous one, so I picked this one up even though I hadn’t seen the reviews yet. Due to “Intense Violence, Blood and Gore, Strong Language, Strong Sexual Content, Use of Drugs” it is both rate ‘M’ for “Mature” and promises to be fun (who doesn’t dream of being a bald hitman with dual .45’s?). Now I had some context for why she was asking for my ID. Still, though I look kinda youngish and am used to getting carded for adult beverages, I found it pretty insulting the implication that I appeared too young to buy a freak’n video game.
The cashier seemed to notice my displeasure and explained that she has to card anyone who buys a video game rated ‘M’. Even if the customer has gray hair and looks eighty, she can’t sell the game unless she’s sees an ID. That made me a little mad – not enough to pull out two .45’s and kill all witnesses mad – but, still, I’m sure it’s a bigger provoker of violence than the videogame. It wasn’t her fault, though, so I pulled out proof that my young eyes had seen the seventies and a credit card and was soon on my way.
So, does anyone know if this is a recent policy change at Best Buy (I’m pretty sure I’ve bought violent video games there before) and if anything specific triggered it?
Spirit of America
Some have come out asking for the draft claiming only the poor and the stupid serve. Well, Pat Tillman gave up a 3.6 million dollar contract with the Arizona Cardinals to become a U.S. Army Ranger. Today, the Pentagon has confirmed he died in an ambush in Afghanistan.
Hundreds of heroes have given their lives in this war on terror, for our country and for others. On my way back from buying lunch, I heard Rush read from this article in the Chicago Tribune (requires registration but it’s worth it). Marine Lance Cpl. Phil Frank, age 20, was killed in Iraq in early April. When his parents were asked by a reporter if they thought their son had died in vain, his father responded:
“The only circumstance I could ever imagine where I could say that I believe my son died in vain is if the United States turned around from that country and did not complete the mission to free those people and to make that government independent.”
Anyway, I’ve been slack on my blogger duties, as there has been a big movement in the blogosphere to raise money for Spirit of America which is trying to help Marines help Iraqi kids in the Sunni triangle and other things as well (like fighting anti-American propaganda in Iraq). I missed out on Lt. Smash’s auction, but here is one from John of Argghhh, auctioning off a GAU-8 Avenger cannon round to raise for Spirit of America. If someone knows a link to a central hub for all these fundraising activities, please tell me so I can add it to this post.
Spirit of America is also in my blogads (they paid for it, but I’ll donate back the cost of the ad plus). You can go ahead and click on it to make a tax deductible donation.
I’m in a serious mood now, so Frank Answers™ will have to wait for another time. If anyone has anymore suggestions of how this blog can do a little to help our troops, please tell me.
Out Polled
Dammit! Kim du Toit won the “who would you want to cover your back” poll. You Frank Fans didn’t vote for me enough, you limey bastards! I guess everyone just voted for Kim since he’s scary looking and happens to know more about guns than anyone else in the blogosphere. Bah! Fine, have someone named “Kim” cover your back, and, while you’re at it, why don’t you get air support from “a boy named Sue”.
Speaking of Kim and Sue, there is now the same poll but for female bloggers. Right now, my vote is split between Michele, who is scary, and Serenity, who I trust. I like Baldilocks and Kathy Kinsley too, but I don’t know much about their gun prowress. I’m not going to vote for Mrs. du Toit out of spite of her husband winning the last poll. Well, I’d like to hear argument about who I should vote for. I forget who are atheists, though, as there aren’t any atheists in fox holes.
I’ll have Frank Answers™ later if I have time and you are all good. Also, I’ll put up pictures of my pool table later if just mainly so my parents can see it.
Frank and the John Kerry Campaign: Evil Smears!
I get all these e-mail solicitations from the John Kerry campaign for contributions, and I’ve finally decided to do something. So, for the first time ever, I’m going to fisk something. Here’s a e-mail I got just two days ago:
Dear Frank,
Okay, this is my first fisk, and I’ve already run into a problem. I can’t find anything wrong with this line. My name is Frank, and I am quite dear.
The Bush Campaign has violated every standard of decency by attacking John Kerry’s military service. When it comes down to it, this is an attack on all veterans, soldiers and their families. And so we’re asking for help from all Americans to hit back now:
https://contribute.johnkerry.com
Wow! Every single standard of decency! And their attacking every single veteran, soldier, and their families. That’s a lot of people to attack. Do they know they’re being attacked? Before I click and give you money, what’s the attack?
RNC Chairman Ed Gillespie and Bush Campaign Manager Ken Melhman are running an ugly smear campaign on John Kerry’s service in Vietnam. We’ve seen this before. In 2000 they ran a “whisper campaign” against John McCain, suggesting his time as a POW made him unfit for the Presidency. Then in this campaign, their surrogates have even questioned Max Cleland’s war heroism — a man who received a Silver Star and lost three limbs in the Vietnam War.
Okay, well here is how they supposedly attacked other people. I remember all that whispering I heard back during the Republican primary in 2000, but then I got pills to take care of that. And maybe Cleland’s heroism should be questioned; why’d he’d hold on to his last limb. Wouldn’t a true hero give that up as well?
Anyway, how are they attacking Kerry?
The fact is they’re terrified of running against John Kerry’s war record. And so they’re desperately doing everything they can to try to tear it down.
Why would they be running against Kerry’s war record? Is the campaign for gunboat captain? And again, what’s this attack on Kerry? My ever shrinking attention span is… well… shrinking.
We need to hit back, and hit back hard to get out the truth. We’ve learned that the Bush Campaign will say and do anything in the attack ads they’re running in key swings [sic] states. We’ve simply got to be able to counter them. And we can only do that if supporters keep contributing to our campaign at the record-setting levels we saw last month.
Give us the means to hit back. Contribute now:
https://contribute.johnkerry.com
Wow! Bush Campaign will say and do anything in their ads? Even soft-core porn? Because that’s just not right… I think (I’m really not a political consultant). And there’s that contribution URL again. No money for you, though, until you tell me what this supposed attack on you is.
Engaging extra fisk mode.
1…
2…
3…
As a young man, John Kerry volunteered for two tours of duty in Vietnam.
No one ever told me he served in Vietnam.
He risked his life while trying to save the lives of others.
Trying? To quote Yoda…
He was awarded the Bronze Star and Silver Star for going above and beyond the call of duty.
Why no gold star. Underachiever?
He was injured three times in battle and received three Purple Hearts.
Are you sure you want to brag about getting injured three time? Hey, I was once severely burned on my hand cooking a pot pie, but you don’t hear me bragging about it. And the scar is still–
Hey! It finally healed! Great, I hated having to explain how I got that while cooking a pot pie. The scar on my back is a much better story; it’s a knife wound from when I once got in an argument. I said, “That mole looks benign to me!” But my dermatologist disagreed — and she cut me!
Back to topic, I’m just saying that if I were in a warzone, I bet I could get injured way more than three times — some of it friendly fire.
The story Melhman and Gillespie are desperately trying to push is that John Kerry was not injured badly enough to receive one of his Purple Hearts.
Fianlly, there’s the attack. Those rascally Melhman and Gillespie! They’ll pay for this slander!
It sounds incredible, but that’s the attack they’re pushing: Not injured badly enough.
That is incredible! Not as incredible as the Hulk, but pretty damn incredible. Don’t they know Kerry served in Vietnam?
You’d think this would backfire on its own. But most Americans are not familiar with John Kerry’s Vietnam record.
This is the first I’ve heard about him being in Vietnam.
If all they hear is the Bush smear campaign in the press — shady allegations and “questions raised” — then the Bush Campaign’s underhanded tactics will work.
Hey, I know how politics work, bud. But Kerry can’t just whine about it; he needs to come out to the American people and say, “Dude, I was totally injured really really badly. Look! Here’s the scar!” Scars are cool.
Help us fight back by contributing above. And if you’re a veteran, John Kerry wants to know and asks you to join Veterans for Kerry right now:
http://www.johnkerry.com/signup/veterans.php
But I’m not a veteran. What do I do?
Thank you,
Mary Beth Cahill
Campaign Manager, John Kerry for President
Wait! Don’t leave! I want to donate now but I forgot what the URL is!
Beliefs
Here someone putting bare all her beliefs, and it’s strange it seems like that takes a lot of courage these days. You probably will think differently on a lot of things than her, but it’s worth a read.
Our Military IX – My Old Man Edition
Yay! I got some stories from my old man (plus some others). I still have more stories waiting to be published, but, as always, I want more. So, if you have one, e-mail me with the subject “Military”. Everyone else, enjoy.
My old man, who has a first name that means “Frenchman” and – by the way – served in Vietnam, wrote these two stories, one from when he was in Germany before heading to Vietnam and the other from boot camp (FYI, my dad dodged the draft the old fashioned way – signing up):
I was in the Army stationed in Germany in January of 1969. Having to pull KP duty at least once a month, I always tried to get the position of washing pots & pans because everyone left you alone and it was fairly easy…….no one watched over you much. But one day a particular mess sergeant kept making me re-wash the pots etc because he felt them not up to “his standards”…after about three attempts to pass his inspection I took the ones I couldn’t get clean and buried them in the snow out behind the mess hall. I figured someone other then me could worry about them in the Spring!
I went through “boot camp” at Fort Dix, NJ in the winter of 1967-68. I was from Southern California and was here because they wanted me to go to Officer Candidate School as I had graduated from college. Most of the training company I was in was made up of others like me or draftees from the streets of New York City and Philadelphia. The first day that we were given bayonets to drill with, over fifty were “lost or missing” when we turned them in at the end of the day. After searching for hours, threatening everyone with the “brig”, and keeping us up until midnight, they finally gave up with about 10 still missing. Everyone was pretty nice to each other from then on, not knowing who had one of the missing weapons!
John helps translate some military lingo for us:
Frank, here’s a list of military terms for the Military-English dictionary. I certainly invite other readers to add, edit or correct. Keep in mind that my experience was with the 82nd Airborne, and the Army National Guard. Some terms may have different meanings to other units or branches. Also, this isn’t really “family friendly.”
Without further fuss, and in no particular order (including alpha) I present the following:
REMF – Rear Echelon Mother Fucker; a clerk, cook or mechanic. Term of derision for non-combat personnel.
Think of PVT Wompum(sp?) in Saving Private Ryan
Top – First Sergeant, senior NCO at Company level.
FUBAR – Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition; hopeless situation or condition. [Ed Note: In programming, common function names for example code are “foo” and “bar”.]
Cherry – a new trooper or soldier.
Humvee – OK, dammit – it’s NEVER been called a HUMMER by troops (at least when I was in) a HUMMER is something a girl gives you! A HMMWV is a Highly Mobile Multi-Wheeled Vehicle. Far superior to the 50 grand lump of shit civilians are issued.
Cut-V – also Cuck-V; basically a stripped down Ford Blazer with camo paint. Formally known as a CUCV, Commercial Cargo Utility Vehicle.
TA-50 – Equipment issued a soldier upon assignment to a unit. Items such as protective gear, special equipment and such. Different from basic issue which is blouse, pants and boots.
Cunt Cap – Funky looking hat worn by most soldiers before the “Black Beret” was sullied and issued to legs. Class A uniform hat.
Leg – on-airborne qualified personnel. Term of derision.
Red Leg – artillery personnel. Term of endearment.
SPORTS – acronym for performing immediate action to correct firing problems with M16A1/A2 rifles. Slap, Pull, Observe, Release, Tap, Squeeze. Kind of sexy if you think about it.
Bug Juice – basically pure DEET bug repellant. Neat thing about this stuff? Gives a positive reading on nerve agent test strips. Also melts plastic. Really.
MRE – Meal Ready to Eat. Also, Meal Rejected by Everyone, Meal Rejected by Ethiopians. I liked the peanut butter. [Ed. Note: Ethiopia actually was one of the countries that accepted donations of MRE’s to be fair]
Poggie Bate – candy, goodies, sweets. Shit that reminded you there was a better world out there.
RTO – Radio/Telephone Operator. The guy who knew what was going on at any given time.
Weapon – M16A2.
Gun – Artillery piece.
Hump – March.
Humping the Pig – the act of carrying the M60 machine gun on a patrol or march.
Short or Short-timer – nearing end of duty period or service commitment.
PLF – Parachute Landing Fall, execution of contact points upon parachute landing to minimize impact.
(See Fourth Point of Contact)
Fourth Point of Contact – Buttocks, derived from PLF.
Often used in phrase “Get your head out of your fourth point of contact.”
Light-Blub Leader – also Spot Light Leader; person who performs at highest levels only when being observed by superiors. Usually used in training situations like PLDC (Primary Leadership Development Course for NCO’s) or OBC (Officer Basic Course).
Well, that’s all I can come up with for now – maybe your readers have more?
Ryan has more on the infatuation of the military with breasts (who woulda thunk?):
Have another “Dolly Parton” term for you. I served in the nuclear navy (Submarine Service, yes, we are weird, why else would I read IMAO?)
The fission product yield curve-
http://t2.lanl.gov/tour/yields.gif
was originally referred to as the “Mae West” curve for obvious reasons. Some instructors at Nuclear Power School in more recent years have switched to “Dolly Parton” because the kids have no idea who Mae West is. Durn kids…
I’m not sure if they even use this anymore, as they started admitting women in ’96, and the Navy is very sensitive about sexual harassment.
On a side note, if you look into colleges that give credit for military service, they tend to award more for Army, Navy, and Marine training over the Air Force. I believe this is because the AF training is highly specialized in individual components and “black box” change outs, while the other services concentrate on general principles and system interrelations.
For example-
http://www.excelsior.edu/military/military.htm
Here’s a Marine’s perspective of the Air Force from first hand experience (poor Air Force, but this is pretty damn funny):
My name is Kurt, but I go by “Devil Dog” on your site. That is a nickname that Marines earned during WWI. It was found to have come from the Germans- who said we fought like “tuefel hunden”.
Here’s another “perspective” story.
First, I need to say that I have supported the Air Force a few times already in some posts here. The Combat Controllers and PJ’s are very hard core and tough hombres. The Air Force as a whole is an awesome organization that accomplishes its mission with amazing and highly motivating efficiency.
Having said that, I would add that comparing them to a “military” service like the Army or the Marine Corps is like comparing a district attorney to a police officer. They both work in law enforcement… but that’s about as far as it goes. The DA wears a suit and works in an air conditioned court room- often lunching at the local bistro and taking cocktails at the Hyatt. The police officer works with the scum of the planet and eats old sandwiches… and then throws down beer while playing pool in a dirty, but comfortable dive.
I realized early on that the Air Force was different from my Marine Corps. I went to high school with a guy named Ray. Ray enlisted in the Air Force and I in the Marine Corps. Almost immediately after graduation, I went to boot camp, while Ray chose to wait a few months before going to his basic training.
Well, after thirteen weeks of a life altering, incomparably indescribable experience, I returned on leave to my hometown. I went in to visit my recruiter (okay, so I was actually going there to murder him) and saw my old friend Ray in the Air Force office. He was just back from a grueling six weeks of… something he called “basic training”. He was wearing his blue uniform and the first thing that occurred to me was that he was in dire need of a haircut. Next, I noticed that he was sporting three ribbons. THREE. I looked down at the breast of my khaki shirt to see nothing but the shiny rifle expert badge. No ribbons.
That was in 1981… and, at that time in the Marine Corps, it was not uncommon to see even a sergeant with only one or two ribbons on his chest. There was no war on at the moment and the Marine Corps does not just hand stuff out. Keep in mind also that for a young man just out of boot camp, having ribbons would have been a very cool thing, indeed.
Anyway, I asked Ray what the ribbons were for. I figured he must have been part of some secret mission, or maybe involved in a life saving operation or something. He smiled as he explained. “This one,” he said, “is for graduating basic training.”
Huh?? Come again?? You get a ribbon for that? I didn’t get one. All I got was the title of a United States Marine and the Eagle, Globe, and Anchor to prove it. Okay, I’m on top with this one.
He pointed to another one. “I got this one for the half day we spent carrying the M16 rifle. We even fired a few rounds out of it.”
…fired a few… HOLY CRAP!! I NAMED my rifle– slept with, made love to, and talked to my rifle for three months!!! And qualified expert on a VERY challenging course of fire. Still… I looked down to my badge… this round went to me also.
As for Ray’s final ribbon… I was going to make something up because I really do not remember what he said he got that one for. I decided, though, that wouldn’t be right. So, I’ll just let you imagine what it may have been for. Maybe someone out there will have some idea what it could have been. All I remember is that it was pretty and shiny, and Ray had put it on crooked.
So, what have we learned? Well, we’ve learned that we’re all different and special in our own way. The Air Force uses decorations to appeal to the ego of the young airman and the Marine Corps uses history and pride and all that stuff. The result is that Marines will fight and win spectacularly, so long as you promise them their rightful place in history while letting them kill bad guys– and the Air Force will fight and win spectacularly (from a distance, of course), so long as you give them lots of shiny, pretty stuff and lots of creature comforts. Right or wrong, this system seems to work.
Semper Fi!!
P.S. Memo to Air Force: You wouldn’t have to “Aim High” if you took the time to learn about the adjustable sights… Kentucky windage is a poor substitute for marksmanship efficiency.
Finally, a number of people have pointed me to this, so I’ll finally just put up a link. Here are “The 213 Things Skippy is no Longer Allowed to do in the U.S. Army”. Definite drink alert on these.
First Mission
Here is your first mission, Frank Fans. Use pad X-1:
81 0d cf dc 2a 0c bd 2a 52 84 24 dc 20 da 61 9d
ee d2 0b df 54 f4 cd 3f 16 bd 2f 64 08 0e 16 84
c2 4f d3 16 9f d7 09 2e 07 eb 42 ec 5f 35 1b 17
0d ec c3 b2 2a 5e 3d 95 dd d3 b6 e8 49 45 2a e2
f0 18 93 ed 83 75 6e 4a ae b9 3b 1a 73 f0 f3 a0
92 ff 2b f4 b8 87 2c 46 f1 b4 4e 02 6e ec d1 6d
62 fc f4 f9 37 17 33 3b d1 88 87 2a 03 ae 05 99
48 03 d6 da 9b ae b4 fd 1b dc 71 67 8c ed 46 e1
af f7 66 18 79 37 a7 3c c4 51 f1 5f 42 24 06 20
dd a7 c0 dc 1f 04 04 b6 cd 8c 52 cd 5c c8 52 7c
24 a3 3d 18 7c 58 17 f4 4d b6 d7 23 c4 14 cb 49
a6 e2 42 6e e2 1a 9d 71 32 2a d5 cf b6 ee 32 d0
69 db 79 4d 3d d3 be bf 80 ec 75 17 6f 81 97 c3
42 3d 4a 73 69 8e c6 05 84 95 ca ba 3e 4f 31 7c
3b ac 9e 40 53 da 30 b4 6f 95 2f 6c c8 0a bb 2b
51 b3 56 74 0d 82 aa 18 0f 21 56 38 d9 92 b6 0e
a3 6a e1 88 98 49 34 bb bc 40 7a 2b 18 59 ac b2
5c b5 64 bb 79 c3 bd 60 24 78 bc 89 58 8b 85 9e
33 e2 75 bf bf 3a 0e bf 86 2d ca b1 da a1 d7 aa
2a c0 43 f2 47 5c 5e 90 b4 28 16 6d 70 b3 2d 58
32 93 72 98 ef e4 b0 1c aa 90 57 8a fe 55 d3 d2
dd ad 6d ab 9e f2 8e f9 37 b9 20 01 1f cb 2b dc
73 1a 47 8c cb e6 91 fc 29 4c 7e a2 0f be 53 ab
ad 62 4f 19 76 18 0a 27 75 70 7f 83 e1 73 17 c1
09 91 e8 26 04 95 30 61 5f 17 0b be ed 43 69 60
0b 88 4d da 19 fb 20 24 2f 07 bf 75 d8 7b 5d 1a
0c 45 88 4d c4 df ed 65 1b 87 d1 ba a5 4c 74 53
71 d5 93 f2 9b b6 77 44 e7 62 91 dc bd e9 11 d5
1a 24 86 70 13 8b d7 55 e3 1d 37 f9 fb 55 c2 32
a0 4e 54 5d 4d 44 5b 33 3e fe 4b c1 04 79 ee 13
4f 43 39 f3 5b a5 75 3a 93
First and second rules apply doubly for this, and thanks once again to Orion for making this so easy for us.
Sorry to those who have signed up but never got the welcome message with the pads. I’ll try and rectify that, though. I’m thinking to limit my fan club membership at some point, though, because of all the secrecy (plus, things are cooler when they’re exclusive). Not just anyone can be a Frank Fan!
Frank’s Most Hated Politician
I just had a realization about what politician I hate the most, and it kind of surprised me. But, every time I see him on T.V., I get this punch reflex where my hand curls itself into a fist.
So, my most hated politician is…
Change Comes from the Inside
No joke in this one, but with all the bad news out of the Middle East, it’s nice to hear about a woman in Saudi Arabia willing to stand up and fight for change. Go to this blog (title “Standing Up in Saudi”) to see about it and read the news story.
A lot of reform is needed in the Middle East, but it will come one day.
(thanks to El Jefe to alerting me to this)
Mercy! Please!
Okay, I know a lot of you were waiting for the Nuke the Moon t-shirt to come back, but this is crazy. In the past couple days I’ve sold about as many t-shirts as I did all last month – and last month was nearly a record month for t-shirt sales. The problem, you see, is that each time one of you orders one of my t-shirts, I get an automatic e-mail notification. So, this morning I wake up with big desire to enlarge my penis and heighten my sex life, but I can’t find my usual spam among all the t-shirt orders!
Calm down people! I know you’re all worried (quite legitimately) that if you don’t order soon, you’ll lose your chance again at owning one, but, at this rate, all the shirts will be sold out before they’re even printed. And then poor Doug the t-shirt guy will have to box and ship them all and all that work might kill him! And I somewhat don’t want Doug to die!
So, take the t-shirt ordering down a notch… even if that means you’re going to miss out again.
BTW, SondraK (who is having a competition you should check out) reminded me of something I linked to when the NTM t-shirts first came out – how to use your t-shirt to become a ninja! This can be done with any IMAO t-shirt – but no others.
BTW, Rumsfeld must obviously wear a Nuke the Moon t-shirt under his jacket as you can see from this picture.
(sorry, I forgot to write down which reader sent that in – but you rock!)
Finally, I was thinking, why don’t I just update my NTM essay as my first column submission? Only a fool could refuse printing such genius – and it eve has a Simpsons quote. Jonah Goldberg is going down!
