Archive of entries posted on 9th March 2004

Bite-Sized Wisdom: Me Busy (Again), Hillary, Bill, Martha Stewart, Wallet Gun, a Frank Confession, and a Blogger Needs Our Help

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  • I got a busy week, so I’m not going to be able to spoil you like last week with all my regular posting plus The Limey. I know, you don’t care. You’re saying, “You’re our clown here to amuse us. Now dance for us! Dance! Ha ha ha!” Well, as John F’n Kerry would say, I served in Vietnam.
  • There are some suggestions that Hillary Clinton could be John Kerry’s running mate. That would be historical for a number of reasons if Kerry gets elected. First, she’d be the first ever female vice president and second Kerry would then break the record set by William Henry Harrison for shortest term in office by “mysteriously” dying within an hour of being inaugurated.
  • There are also some people reading the Constitution and disputing what the meaning of “is” is and saying that Bill Clinton could run for Vice President. This would seem to serve no purpose, though, than to make me go on a murder spree. Why do people want me to go on a murder spree?
  • I never had much of an opinion on this whole Martha Stewart case, but it seems to me she had a bum rap. What was she convicted for? Lying to federal officials? Who doesn’t do that? Once, I said to a cop, “Nice day, officer.”
    Total BS. The day was crummy.
    So what? You going to put me in prison now? Still, Martha Stewart in prison could be cool for some. They’d register their car and get their license plates and remarked, “Wow, someone really put some work into this one. They did so much with just indented print and a little paint. It’s a good thing.”
    I wonder how much you could get for an authentic Martha Stewart license plate on Ebay? Can you sell license plates on Ebay? Ahh, screw Ebay; they won’t even let you sell guns.
  • Iraq now has a constitution. All they need now is strength, dexterity, intelligence, wisdom, and charisma and they’ll be ready to go.
  • Did I just make a Dungeon & Dragons role playing joke? Bad geek Frank! I stab you and you die now!
  • I had mentioned the idea of a wallet gun before, and even people in my college gun club thought that was dumb. Still, in the latest issue of Gun Tests magazine they gave a good review to a $345 Kel-Tec P3AT .380 (made just north of me in Cocoa, Florida) that fits in your back pocket. They also recommend a $35 pocket holster for it that gives it the profile of a wallet. Then, if someone asks for your money, you can go like your reaching for you wallet, but instead pull out your .380 and shoot the guy – which works great if you’re being mugged but not so good if your supposed to be paying for a Slurpee. The only problem with that is where would I put my actual wallet? Oh! I could buy one of those fanny pack holsters and put it in there along with another gun. Now all I’ll need is to get a second .45 to replace my PPK and I’ll be set. I’ll have my primary gun, my secondary (sinister) gun (the second .45), a backup gun (maybe a .38 special that goes in the fanny pack), and a surprise gun for when a gun is already on me (the wallet gun). That would be so cool! Now all I need to do is move to a place with more crime. I hear Cocoa is pretty bad.
  • I have a confession to make: I like Chunky Monkey ice cream. Yes, I like an ice cream with “monkey” in the title that is made by Vermont hippies. It’s just it’s such creamy, yummy banana ice cream with big chunks of chocolate and walnut. I guess the only compensation is that Ben & Jerry’s ice cream is too expensive for poor people to buy, who’ll have to settle with the supermarket brand ice cream like starving people in Ethiopia. Anyway, I hope you all still respect me as a blogger; I just had to get that off my chest.
  • Finally, and most importantly, I’d like to say that the blogosphere is more that just news commentary, made up stories about an angry dog, and telling completely true lies about the blending of puppies; I like to think we’re a community too. Right now, one of us needs help. Serenity had broken her ankle and needs surgery. She has a lot of bills, and she won’t be able to have any income for two months as she recovers. She has some veteran benefits, but that won’t cover everything. Serenity was instrumental in getting Front Line Voices up and keeping it running, putting a lot of time into that, and she means a lot to me at least. If you have anything to spare, please go to Serenity’s site and give her a little help during her down time. It’s the American way to help out each other (and I consider all my readers American… even the Canadians). In the least, go wish her well.
    Oh, and if you’re Whitler, finish your damn essay because it would make her happy.