“It is time to plan our attack,” Karl Rove announced, the room darkening with his presence, “A positive ad campaign will not win this election alone; Kerry must be destroyed from the inside… so speak the elders.”
“I tire of this voting crap,” Rumsfeld exclaimed, “back in my day, the president was decided by a battle to the death. Why, the battle between Van Buren and Harrison was so fierce, that Harrison died a month after inauguration from his wounds. Now that’s democracy in action!”
“Maybe we can ask to substitute one of the debates with a death match,” Cheney suggested.
“I don’t know if this death match idea is a good one,” Bush said, “someone might get hurt.”
“Nancy-boy!” Rumsfeld shouted, and slapped Bush across the head.
“We must not put the president at risk of injury if we are to succeed,” Rove said, “What we need is to find out is what Kerry’s campaign plans are.”
“A break-in of Kerry’s campaign headquarters; that’s a great idea!” Bush exclaimed, “Nothing could go wrong with that!” Bush then ran off.
Cheney opened up a newspaper and started reading. “When you are done with job ads, pass it over here,” Rumsfeld told him.

“I don’t know about a break-in,” Scott McClellan said, “Didn’t that get one president in trouble?”
“Because he got caught,” Bush answered as he pried open a ventilation duct at the roof of Kerry’s headquarters. “Presidents break into places all the time. Once, Carter broke into my ranch in Crawford, Texas, and ate my turkey leftovers. Breaking in to places is all a part of being president since we become mad with power… mad I tell you! Completely and utterly mad!” Bush then giggled to himself as he crawled into the ventilation system, Scott slowly following.
Soon they were inside and could spot massive creatures lumbering through the hallway below them. “What are they?” Scott asked.
“Cave trolls,” Bush answered, “or maybe teamsters. Either way, if they find us, they’ll crush us and eat our bones. Now let’s get down there. Remember to kill quickly and quietly.”
“You never said anything about killing,” Scott protested, but was then pulled from the ventilation into the hallway. They crept silently until they found a large room to enter. In a strange chair at center, they found John Kerry lying asleep.
“This must be where they inject him with Botox,” Bush said as he looked at all the needles. “Luckily I keep extract of poison ivy on me,” Bush laughed as he replaced the Botox.
“Let’s get out of here,” Scott urged, “Kerry and is French-lookingness creep me out.
“Okay,” Bush said, as they quickly made their way into a backroom. At center was a file cabinet labeled, “John Kerry’s Secret Campaign Plans – Don’t Let Republicans See”.
“I think this is what we want,” Bush said as he opened the cabinet and pulled out a sealed envelope. He then put that away in his backpack.
“Who’s in there!” yelled a security guard.
Bush quickly grabbed Scott and put a gun to his head. “Nobody move or tubby here gets it!” Bush shouted.
“Don’t do it!” the guard yelled, “Killing that doughy man is not worth it!”
Kerry then ran in the room, his face swollen and red. “It’s Bush! Kill him!”
“Time for plan B,” Bush said.
“What’s plan B?” Scott asked.
Bush threw down a smoke grenade, and soon the whole room was clouded. When the smoke dispersed, Bush was gone, but Scott still stood there. “Why didn’t anyone tell me about plan B?” Cave troll/teamsters advanced on him. “Eep.”

“Were you involved in a break-in at the Kerry headquarters and then beaten within an inch of your life by teamsters?” asked a reporter.
“That’s crazy talk,” Scott answered.
“Then why are you currently in a full body cast propped up by a stick?”
“Can we keep the question about the White House and its policies?” Scott urged.
“Was Bush responsible for the reason Kerry’s face is now bloated and red?” asked another reporter.
“That’s just the liberal Kerry trying to emulate his liberal hero Ted Kennedy,” Scott answered. He then glanced down at his talking points which said, “When talking about Kerry, mention ‘liberal’ at least three (3) times.’ He then added, “How liberal of him… meaning Kerry.”
“Our viewers hate Kerry and don’t want to hear about him,” Fox News reporter Melinda Hawkish said, “What we care about is whether this reelection campaign will distract from killing terrorists.”
“I assure you that terrorists are dying as we speak,” Scott said.
“Can we get graphic pictures of such, including blood coming out of their ears?” Melinda asked, “We need for our new Fox special ‘When America Attacks’.”
“Sure, whatever,” Scott answered.
“There are reports that Bush has John Kerry’s secret campaign plans,” said another reporter, “Any truth to that?”
“That completely, utterly ludicr…” The stick broke, and Scott toppled over the podium. “Can someone help me?” he cried. Chomps then ran over, grabbed him, and started shaking him. “Ahh! News conference is over!”

“Where’s your dog,” Bush asked Rumsfeld.
“I don’t know,” Rumsfeld answered, “I don’t ask him what he does, he doesn’t ask me what I do.”
“So what’s in those secret plans you got?” Cheney asked Bush.
Bush ripped opened the manila envelope and pulled out the memo. He then began to read it out loud. “The secret plans for the John Kerry campaign is to repeat over and over and over and over that he served in Vietnam.” Bush put down the memo and rubbed his hands together evilly. “Now that we know his plans, he’s as good as not elected!”
Cheney rolled his eyes and then took out his cell phone. “Halliburton? This is Cheney. Time for operation codename Frame John Kerry with a Dead Hooker… No, I don’t come up with the codenames.”