In My World: The Kerry Caper

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“It is time to plan our attack,” Karl Rove announced, the room darkening with his presence, “A positive ad campaign will not win this election alone; Kerry must be destroyed from the inside… so speak the elders.”
“I tire of this voting crap,” Rumsfeld exclaimed, “back in my day, the president was decided by a battle to the death. Why, the battle between Van Buren and Harrison was so fierce, that Harrison died a month after inauguration from his wounds. Now that’s democracy in action!”
“Maybe we can ask to substitute one of the debates with a death match,” Cheney suggested.
“I don’t know if this death match idea is a good one,” Bush said, “someone might get hurt.”
“Nancy-boy!” Rumsfeld shouted, and slapped Bush across the head.
“We must not put the president at risk of injury if we are to succeed,” Rove said, “What we need is to find out is what Kerry’s campaign plans are.”
“A break-in of Kerry’s campaign headquarters; that’s a great idea!” Bush exclaimed, “Nothing could go wrong with that!” Bush then ran off.
Cheney opened up a newspaper and started reading. “When you are done with job ads, pass it over here,” Rumsfeld told him.

“I don’t know about a break-in,” Scott McClellan said, “Didn’t that get one president in trouble?”
“Because he got caught,” Bush answered as he pried open a ventilation duct at the roof of Kerry’s headquarters. “Presidents break into places all the time. Once, Carter broke into my ranch in Crawford, Texas, and ate my turkey leftovers. Breaking in to places is all a part of being president since we become mad with power… mad I tell you! Completely and utterly mad!” Bush then giggled to himself as he crawled into the ventilation system, Scott slowly following.
Soon they were inside and could spot massive creatures lumbering through the hallway below them. “What are they?” Scott asked.
“Cave trolls,” Bush answered, “or maybe teamsters. Either way, if they find us, they’ll crush us and eat our bones. Now let’s get down there. Remember to kill quickly and quietly.”
“You never said anything about killing,” Scott protested, but was then pulled from the ventilation into the hallway. They crept silently until they found a large room to enter. In a strange chair at center, they found John Kerry lying asleep.
“This must be where they inject him with Botox,” Bush said as he looked at all the needles. “Luckily I keep extract of poison ivy on me,” Bush laughed as he replaced the Botox.
“Let’s get out of here,” Scott urged, “Kerry and is French-lookingness creep me out.
“Okay,” Bush said, as they quickly made their way into a backroom. At center was a file cabinet labeled, “John Kerry’s Secret Campaign Plans – Don’t Let Republicans See”.
“I think this is what we want,” Bush said as he opened the cabinet and pulled out a sealed envelope. He then put that away in his backpack.
“Who’s in there!” yelled a security guard.
Bush quickly grabbed Scott and put a gun to his head. “Nobody move or tubby here gets it!” Bush shouted.
“Don’t do it!” the guard yelled, “Killing that doughy man is not worth it!”
Kerry then ran in the room, his face swollen and red. “It’s Bush! Kill him!”
“Time for plan B,” Bush said.
“What’s plan B?” Scott asked.
Bush threw down a smoke grenade, and soon the whole room was clouded. When the smoke dispersed, Bush was gone, but Scott still stood there. “Why didn’t anyone tell me about plan B?” Cave troll/teamsters advanced on him. “Eep.”

“Were you involved in a break-in at the Kerry headquarters and then beaten within an inch of your life by teamsters?” asked a reporter.
“That’s crazy talk,” Scott answered.
“Then why are you currently in a full body cast propped up by a stick?”
“Can we keep the question about the White House and its policies?” Scott urged.
“Was Bush responsible for the reason Kerry’s face is now bloated and red?” asked another reporter.
“That’s just the liberal Kerry trying to emulate his liberal hero Ted Kennedy,” Scott answered. He then glanced down at his talking points which said, “When talking about Kerry, mention ‘liberal’ at least three (3) times.’ He then added, “How liberal of him… meaning Kerry.”
“Our viewers hate Kerry and don’t want to hear about him,” Fox News reporter Melinda Hawkish said, “What we care about is whether this reelection campaign will distract from killing terrorists.”
“I assure you that terrorists are dying as we speak,” Scott said.
“Can we get graphic pictures of such, including blood coming out of their ears?” Melinda asked, “We need for our new Fox special ‘When America Attacks’.”
“Sure, whatever,” Scott answered.
“There are reports that Bush has John Kerry’s secret campaign plans,” said another reporter, “Any truth to that?”
“That completely, utterly ludicr…” The stick broke, and Scott toppled over the podium. “Can someone help me?” he cried. Chomps then ran over, grabbed him, and started shaking him. “Ahh! News conference is over!”

“Where’s your dog,” Bush asked Rumsfeld.
“I don’t know,” Rumsfeld answered, “I don’t ask him what he does, he doesn’t ask me what I do.”
“So what’s in those secret plans you got?” Cheney asked Bush.
Bush ripped opened the manila envelope and pulled out the memo. He then began to read it out loud. “The secret plans for the John Kerry campaign is to repeat over and over and over and over that he served in Vietnam.” Bush put down the memo and rubbed his hands together evilly. “Now that we know his plans, he’s as good as not elected!”
Cheney rolled his eyes and then took out his cell phone. “Halliburton? This is Cheney. Time for operation codename Frame John Kerry with a Dead Hooker… No, I don’t come up with the codenames.”

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  1. “Cave trolls,” Bush answered, “or maybe teamsters. Either way, if they find us, they’ll crush us and eat our bones.
    Thanks Frank. My bosses are pissed at me now because I blew hot coffee all over my new laptop. I’m sure to get fired, lose my house, lose my shiny red Convertible, chicks won’t want me anymore, and all I’ll have left is my Playstation and my Zippo lighter because of you. I think you’re a jooo.

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  2. “Senator John Kerry, who served in Veitnam, was found in a hotel room with a dead transvestite prostitute who closely resembeled Teresa Heinz, the Senator’s wife. In a related story Teresa Heinz is missing, foul play suspected. She was last seen with the also missing, wealthy George Sorros.”

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  4. Kerry’s worst enemies are Democratic pretenders stabbing him in the back. Dean will NOT support Cut and Run Kerry. This is the message on Deaniac sites. He is nudging his supporters to vote Nader in the hope Kerry loses and Dean has a new chance running for president in 4 years? I know the Clintons are following this strategy. Kerry is lame and uneffective. If you vote Bush or Nader, Dean will be president in 4 years.

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  7. I love that no one ever takes responsibility for the creation of code names. I remember back when I was involved in Operation Scream Like A Little Girl. We often sat around with our weapons while grumbling about strangling the bastard who named that assassination run.

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  8. “Kerry’s worst enemies are Democratic pretenders stabbing him in the back.”
    like that awful Leiberman who keeps bringing up current topics (like threats to the US, terror networks and funding) instead of going with the program and discussing the past: the 16 words, the WMD claims, the national guard service. I think that Leiberman will vote for Bush and should be excommunicated from the Demcratic party.

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  13. Didn’t the WMDs from Iraq end up in Kerry’s face? He has enough botulism in there to wipe out France. Maybe when Kerry campaigns in Paris, Rumsfeld will blow up Kerry’s face, and wipe Paris off the face of the Earth. The fact that Kerry is killed is just a happy side eaffect.

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  14. I really have a problem with all this talk of paving France. France has a lot of very beautiful historic architechture, plus all those graves at Normandy. I think maybe we should find a way to get rid of the French people without actually getting rid of France.
    ‘Sides, I like wine, and those sidewalk cafes are just too cute.

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  18. First thing. Amphitryon…. actually, I have nothing to say to you. And cannibalism is wrong.
    “Halliburton? This is Cheney. Time for operation codename Frame John Kerry with a Dead Hooker… No, I don’t come up with the codenames.”
    Awesome, Frank. So, uh, when do we execute Operation Smack Howard Dean Senseless With a Rainbow Trout?

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  19. Casey Tompkins, keep in mind that I would only marry an American.
    Now if you want me to make you the apology of the French man, I would say that French are floppy belies, honeyed, machos, peasants, very old fashionable you know with the hole on their socks and their smelly breeches, they laugh heavy, they are pagans, and they believe that if the cock is a symbol, it is because the cock knows how to sing more hardly than the others birds.
    As for the frogs legs, I like it cooked with oil and garlic and a little bouquet of parsley.

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  22. Well, I guess that an American groom is the good choice because America is the other side of the Atlantic. I have always though that America was not the best place for women. This is an exploitive, macho, rude, degrading land where I am not sure I could live happy.
    To be honest, I don’t like the occident. My ideal is Singapore, five official languages, as many religions and a freedom for the women that is meaning equity. I would live in America, I guess that I would prefer to marry a Taiwanese… or which ever except that not a French.

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  23. “I think maybe we should find a way to get rid of the French people without actually getting rid of France.”
    Do you suppose that’s what the inventor of the Neutron Bomb was thinking? “Damn haughty french waiters! But the view is rather nice, isn’t it. It’d be a shame to… Hey, wait! I have an idea! Muahahahaahaaaa”

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  24. “I would live in America, I guess that I would prefer to marry a Taiwanese… or which ever except that not a French.”
    Go Taiwanese and leave America out of your equation – then load and post in your new native character set. It might be more understandable than what you normally post.
    Hey, I’m just trying to help!

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  25. I don’ try to be understandable Rubber, except to those who pretend to be friendly and in fact are the most macho rude people anyone could ever know. That’s for you Monster. I did not like your comment.

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  26. I’m on Amphi’s side in this one. I think her English is pretty good (‘course, I took three years of French in high school, so I’m a little more used to the syntax than most), and I don’t think anybody should be picking on her.
    And Amphi, please don’t judge all American men by the few macho ones you meet. They are by far in the minority; most American men are very nice and gentlemanly.

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  27. Good-Natured Cynic, they are nice and gentleman when they forget about women for the naughty jobs. I don’t like being threaten a puppet doll, or a hot babe or what ever.
    Men are hot, and dolls, and babes and nobody would bother them about that. They have fun in which ever way they want and that does not mean anything else.
    Girls can have fun also and that does not mean anything else than this: piss off my grass or I’ll castrate you. We are not in Saudi. Girls can take their shoes out and clam that it’s rainy. What I mean is that modern Asian people are a lot more correct about that. At least, a man would feel sorry, and that is the only way I consider that they are gentlemen.
    Men are not better, and they are not gentlemen as long as they have not proven that they can be. Some of them consider that talking about the girls make them good, sane, perfect well being men.
    No. Talking about the girls make them weird.

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  28. And Good-Natured Cynic, you know why ungentlemen like to be with puppet unpÍrfect dolls. It’s because it is what make them good. You break your heel, you scrash your skirt or you become little too much drunk speaking weird, and THERE you are to become the naughty goddess they are speaking about.
    No, thank you.

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  34. Amphy, I’d just like to say not all Americans are like that. I, for one, believe very much that women are to be respected and worshipped. They are beautiful in everything they do. What I say, through the safety glass of the internet, is merely to get a rise out of people. I actually respect women more than most men, and a hell of a lot more than most other cultures.

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