Since it looks like John Kerry has a lock on the Democrat nomination, being the uber-partisan I am (hell, I’d vote for a retarded mule if it had an ‘R’ next to its name and said it would cut my taxes) I’ve set my crack research staff out to find the dirt on the haughty, French-looking Senator who – by the way – served in Vietnam. Here’s what they got:
FUN FACTS ABOUT JOHN KERRY
* In his campaign, Kerry is planning on relying on his wife’s ketchup money. That’s a lot like blood money, but more tomato based.
* Kerry has enough botulism in his face to wipe out a small African village.
* Kerry wants people to know that he is a friend of the common man… he just doesn’t want to talk to any of them, see any of them, have any in his country club, or even be near any of them unless they have lots of special interest campaign contributions.
* John Kerry’s hair is the source of his important lookingness. If you shaved off his hair, he would no longer look important.
* Like George Bush, John Kerry was a member of the secret Skull and Bones society at Yale. They will actually determine who will be president, and this whole election is just for our entertainment.
* The Vietnam war was going great and was extremely popular in the U.S…. until Kerry joined in.
* Sometimes Kerry has simultaneous flashbacks to fighting in Vietnam and being a Vietnam War protestor, causing him to spit on himself.
* Kerry knows for a fact from Vietnam that eating the heart of your defeated enemy will not gain you his non-French-lookingness.
* Some hippies had called Kerry a “baby-killer” when he returned from Vietnam, but, in reality, he wussed out and ran away when caught in a baby knife fight.
* Though he likes to tout his Vietnam record now (he was in Vietnam, you know), he was also involved in the same protest group as Jane “Why in God’s Name Wasn’t She Hung as a Traitor” Fonda.
* Jane Fonda was married to Ted Turner who is a total jackass. That has nothing to do with John Kerry, but it’s worth saying.
* If you are in the military and Kerry drops by your place, hide your medals. Apparently he likes to throw other people’s medals.
* Senator John Kerry has a more liberal voting record than Senator Ted Kennedy, which people used to think was scientifically impossible since the way to judge how liberal one’s voting record is was to see how close it is to Ted Kennedy’s.
* Wait, who was I zinging there? John Kerry or Ted Kennedy? Hell, they both deserve it.
* John Kerry is so liberal…
How liberal is he?
He’s so liberal, that he thinks minors should be able to get abortions without even their own consent.
* In a fight between John Kerry and Aquaman, I’m not sure who’d win, but the battle would involve a lot of effeminate slapping.
* Some say Kerry looks like Lurch from the Addams Family, but that’s not fair; Lurch is not French.
* Kerry comes from the most evil/liberal state in the union: Massachusetts. Some say Hitler was born there.
* According to sources, Kerry’s name rhymes with “fairy”. I’m not saying to call him John “Fairy”; I’m just putting that information out there.
* Kucinich rhymes with spinach… but I’m not sure what to do with that.
* Oh, wait:

Vote for Dennis Kucinich
‘Cause he eats his spinach.
He’s Kucinich the crazy man. (toot) (toot)

• Back to John Kerry, according to lots of anecdotal information, he loves to play the “Do you know who I am?” card. If he does that to you, the best response is to say, “Yeah, you’re the guy I’m going to punch in the nads,” and then punch him in the nads. If he complains, hey, he asked.
• The last guy from Massachusetts who ran against a George Bush for the presidency of the United States lost. That’s precedent for you!