Archive of entries posted on 3rd February 2004

Top Ten Ways the Democrats Can Ensure Victory in the Presidential Election

Posted by on

Last week, I listed how Bush could lose reelection. Now, here’s how the Democrats can win.
TOP TEN WAYS THE DEMOCRATS CAN ENSURE VICTORY IN THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION
10. So as not to scare moderates, lock all the extreme wacko leftists in an underground cavern feeding them nothing but sardine heads and anti-Bush rhetoric until Election Day.
9. Though I’m pretty sure Satan is a registered independent, you could win the favor of his evil power by sacrificing a goat in his honor or sending him a fruit basket.
8. Gain even more potential Democrat voters by making sure that convicted felons, the criminally insane, dead people, and feces-throwing monkeys have the right to vote.
7. Don’t fall for the temptation to look tough on terrorists as that will make you lose the important “Death to America!” vote.
6. Get lots of free publicity by having attractive, female staffers have “wardrobe malfunctions” during rallies.
5. If presidential candidate had served in Vietnam, make sure to mention it.
4. Texas has a large number of electoral votes certain to go to Bush. As Janet Reno demonstrated, it’s quite flammable, and “accidents” happen.
3. Say that, if the Democrat wins, a large number of puppies will be given to orphans, but, if the Democrat loses, the puppies will be drowned while the orphans are forced to watch.
2. Use the White Zombie song “More Human than Human” in campaign commercials. That song totally rocks.
And the number one way Democrats can ensure victory in the presidential election…
Run for president in some other country, you g’damn pinkos.
UPDATE: I had some good ones I forgot about.
* Use more catchy, rhyming slogans such as “Bush lied; people died”. One idea is, “If you’re a crack addict, vote Democratic”. Or just update the old favorite: “Bush misled; people dead!”
* Use more advanced AI on voting machines so that they know that improperly punching a ballot or just staring at the voting machine and drooling are meant to be votes for the Democrat.

Bite-Sized Wisdom: Primaries, Stampedes, Blog Ads, Wardrobe Malfunctions, and Quarters

Posted by on
  • More primaries today. If you’re a Democrat, go and vote. If you’re a Republican, go and beat up a Democrat in practice for the general election. Also, maybe we could work on some more confusing ballots to replace the butterfly one. I’m thinking it should involve some sort of word puzzle.
  • Zeke came riding into camp, a look of terror on his face. “Get out of here!” he shouted, “It’s a stampede!”
    “Dammit!” Richards yelled as he ran for his horse. “I knew Clemens couldn’t keep control of them.”
    “Well, there ain’t no stopping them now,” Zeke said, “When you have a Muslim stampede, the only thing to do is get out of the way. They even crushed ole Yellar, Clemens best Muslim herding dog.”
    Soon they saw the fearsome sight of thousands of men in white robes and women covered head to toe who were charging forward while ululating, running over everything in their path as if fleeing from the devil himself. Everyone not looking for a martyrship ran for cover.
  • Okay, maybe with the number of people killed, it’s not proper to make fun. Also, though it’s easy to point out how stupid a culture is that has deadly stampedes every year, I hardly seem in a position to throw stones when, in this country, we have people doing dumb things like rioting after a Super Bowl win. Then again, at least when I throw stones I don’t stampede.
  • Instapundit finally got Blog Ads, just as I reccommended to him. I’ll wait here patiently for my ten percent commission.
    Since he’s asking $800 a month for an ad, maybe he shouldn’t take my advice and spend it all on beer.
  • I love the Justin Timberlake explanation of the Super Bowl halftime fiasco: it was a “wardrobe malfunction.” I’ll have to remember that one.
    “Were you watching strippers?”
    “Honest, honey, they weren’t strippers! They just had a wardrobe malfunction!”
  • I’m the seven of hearts on the deck of cards of most dangerous right wing bloggers. Misha sure beat me out, though, making the ace of clubs. Then again, seven is the holy number, and many do say I’m god-like.
  • Have you seen the Alabama quarter? They have Helen Keller on it, i.e., the best person they could think of to represent Alabama is someone who is deaf, dumb, and blind (BTW, what time period is Helen Keller from? I mean, is she dead now, and, if so, how would she know?).
    So far, I think the most representative quarter is the New Jersey quarter. It has the image of George Washington crossing the Delaware. Take it from someone who lived in New Jersey for nine years: there is no more apropos an image for Jersey than a bunch of people leaving it.
  • Man, there was supposed to be a real special guest talking to my writers group yesterday but we got stood up. Well, next week will be the group critiquing of my novel, and it will be good to get some opinions from people who aren’t fans of my website. Maybe afterwards, I’ll put up some of the novel for whoever is interested to see it again (it’s been changed a bit from last time).
    Anyway, here’s a neat blog from someone working for Tor with a post on rejection letters. I’ve yet to get one yet, but I’m already planning my hissy fit.
  • Well, I’m tired and got no more time for blogging. BTW, if you were sending ricin to Senator Frist, please stop it. Thank you.