Emperor Misha I has chosen the topic for Win Frank J’s Funny. I’ll hack out something hilarious when I have five minutes free, but all the other competitors have 24 hours to futilely try and top me.
Archive of entries posted on 19th February 2004
Sometimes My Readers Are Smart
I need to record a phone conversation for cool reasons I’ll reveal later, and I’ve hooked a phone line into my laptop and tried various software. Some claim my modem doesn’t support voice, but I found one program, Call Corder, that seems to work fine. The only problem is that the recording seems to use the voice recorder that comes with all windows operating systems and that cuts off after a minute of recording. Anyone know a way to make it record longer?
UPDATE: Any other ideas or software to use for record a phone call would be appreciated, as I’m not sure some of the tricks for making Microsoft Sound Recorder record longer (loading a large blank file) will help here.
UPDATE 2: Got a 2.4 GHz wireless phone (I have a 802.11g netowrk, but the box says it’s 802.11 friendly). It has speakerphone options for both the base and handset, and that plus a microphone and duct tape is an engineering solution to the problem. Boo-yah!
And now I have a wireless phone for my den. I’d always run to the kitchen when the phone rings because I hate using a wired phone.
In My World: Can’t Gitmo Satisfaction
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“…and then I’ll rip out your entrails and dangle them from a tree that is to be chosen at a later date,” Rumsfeld said.
“But that doesn’t answer my question about the quagmire in Iraq,” the reporter responded.
“Rarr!” Rumsfeld yelled as he ripped a mike out of his podium and tossed it at the reporter’s head.
“My question is about the prisoners in Guantanamo Bay and the violation of their rights,” stated another reporter.
“Why do you care about terrorist scum?” Rumsfeld demanded, “I guarantee that that human filth is not being hooked up to electrodes, having their fingernails pulled out, bring beaten with a rubber hose, or any other various thing I’m planning on doing to them. Does that make you pansies happy?”
“We hear that some of the terrorists aren’t delighted with their conditions,” said another reporter.
“That’s it! No more questions,” Rumsfeld exclaimed as he pulled out two .45’s, “Now you all die!”
The press fled the room. Bush then came up to Rumsfeld. “You need to control that temper, Rummy.”
“The only thing I need to control is my aim!”
“I know what would make you feel better!” Bush exclaimed, “A visit to beautiful Cuba!”
“Yes,” Rumsfeld said as he put away his guns, “Time to torture some terrorists!”
“So here we are at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba,” Bush narrated to the benefit of the readers.
“Torture! Torture! Torture!” Rumsfeld said excitedly as he walked towards the base.
“Hey Mr. President and Mr. Warmonger,” said the Commander of the base, “Don’t you have things to do in Washington?”
“They say things go more smoothly when I’m not there,” Bush answered, “Now where are these wily terrorists?”
“Just point us to the torture chamber,” Rumsfeld ordered.
“Uh… we don’t have a torture chamber,” the Commander said, “We treat the prisoners nice here to keep Amnesty International off our backs.”
Bush looked around. “Hey, this place looks more like a club than a prison.”
“And the drink prices at this tiki bar are way too low,” Rumsfeld yelled, He then turned to the commander. “You’re coddling the prisoners! So all this time I’ve been covering you by saying you’re not torturing the prisoners and trampling their rights, you’ve actually been not torturing the prisoners and not trampling on their rights?”
“Well… yeah!” the Commander admitted.
“Rarr!” Rumsfeld screamed, causing the man to run away.
Soon a terrorist walked by holding a blue ball and a racket. “This racquetball is losing its bounce,” he complained, “You better get me new ones or I’ll call Amnesty International!”
Rumsfeld grabbed the terrorist by his neck and held him up in the air. “You’re going to spill your guts about what you know or you’re literally going to spill your guts when I rip them out with a dull spoon!”
“Amnesty International!” Bush exclaimed as some people came walking by.
“What’s going on here?” one of Amnesty International demanded.
“Terrorists aren’t being tortured and murdered, that for sure,” Bush said.
“We heard the racquetball courts at this detention camp aren’t adequate. Is this true?”
The terrorists, who was being hugged tight to Rumsfeld, said in weak voice, “No. Everything is fine.”
Amnesty International didn’t look too convinced, but they walked off. As soon as they were gone, Rumsfeld picked up the racket and started beating the terrorist over the head with it. “Now tell us what you know! Rarr!”
“Fine! I’ll go write up a list of known contacts!” the terrorist said, backing away, “You guys sure are mean.”
“That’s how you get information from these subhuman bastards,” Rumsfeld said.
“We have to be careful, though,” Bush stated, “Those Amnesty International freaks are watching us. If they see a terrorist even get inconvenienced, they’ll raise hell for me in the press.”
“Not my problem!” Rumsfeld announced as he walked further into the camp. Soon he came to a number of terrorists playing video games. “What’s this?” Rumsfeld demanded.
“It’s a video arcade!” Bush exclaimed happily.
“Quiet!” yelled one of the terrorists, “You’re going to make me lose a life.”
“Nothing will prevent that,” Rumsfeld said, grabbing the terrorist by the head and smashing it into the arcade game screen.
“Hey! I wanted to play that game next!” Bush complained.
Rumsfeld punched through the wall and ripped out a pipe. Holding it over his head, he yelled, “Now all you terrorists scum are going to tell me what you know and I may not beat you to death… though I probably will anyway!”
“That’s a violation of rights!” exclaimed on of Amnesty International who was watching.
“Shouldn’t you people be more concerned with the nearby political prisoners imprisoned by Castro than murderous terrorists?” Rumsfeld asked.
“Castro is just trying to preserve his socialist paradise,” the Amnesty International worker responded, “but we need to curb the evil, imperialist impulses of America. Do you understand?”
Rumsfeld dropped his pipe.
“See, now you dropped your weapon. And now you have lifted up your hand in a sign of peace while tensing your fingers, and now you are running towards, and now… ack… urk…”
“In international news, the so-called ‘Rumsfeld Strangler’ has struck in Cuba, killing three representatives of Amnesty International,” said the anchorwoman, “Leaving behind a note saying, ‘I, Donald Rumsfeld, Secretary of War, have strangled these people and will strangle more as soon as I find them.’ Amnesty International said that, while the strangling of their people is a bad thing, they don’t want to draw attention from the much worse violation of human rights by the twenty percent price hike on drinks for terrorists at Gitmo.
“So far, there are no leads on the killer, but Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld was later asked by reporters and how he felt about a serial killer using his name. He responded with quote, ‘I strangled those people, you idiots, and now I’m going to strangle all of you for being so dumb.’ Incidentally, all those reporters were soon found dead for unrelated reasons involving strangling.”
“I guess the mystery of the Rumsfeld Strangler will never be solved, Diane,” commented the anchorman.
“Probably not. Anyway, on to our next story: Canadians – inconsequential neighbors to the North or moose worshipping cannibals?”