Archive of entries posted on 27th February 2004

Blimey! He Returns!

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Now, I’ve had a couple responses to my responses to hate mail, and so far the person has always calmed down in the second e-mail as wasn’t quite so crazy. Not Tony Pentin, though. My e-mail seems to have made him even crazier. All profanity that’s a noun meant to be me was replaced with “ronin” except for dickhead which I replaced with “genius”. Also, f’ing was replaced with “lovely”. An addition f’word was replaced with “cheetos”. Once again, this was all for The Children™

Well, well, well I see you know how to spell. I suppose that’s an achievement for an American. Lots of you can’t spell and don’t know anything about the world – your email re-enforced all of that!
As for not letting other countries have access to the internet – think again ronin, even those tosser communists in North Korea have access to it!
Your stupidity is evident from calling me a limey atleast ten times in the last email before actually ending with you asking me what a limey is!!!! You said it not me! Look to the first paragraph about not knowing anything about world history! Lol!
When I said Bush is history, I was talking about the elections in November! What are you a redneck or something? Are you miles from anywhere? Cut off from society like a lovely backwoodsman that shags all his relatives!
Laughing at the poor? Oh, that’s really fair isn’t it! Why? What’s the point? Why doesn’t your right-wing small-minded brain broaden its mind and stop lying? The world hates bastards like you. Bush bombed Iraq – I bet he doesn’t even know where the cheetos Iraq is. Oh, just for the record it’s in the middle east – near Iran – you know that country that you helped Iraq wage war against in the early 80’s under that fascist Ronald Reagan! You created Saddam Hussain you stupid dumb bastard! GO AND READ A LOVELY BOOK BEFORE PRETENDING TO BE AN EXPERT! LOOK IT UP YOU STUPIUD BASTRAD!
Oh, and Michael Moore = Good man and he gets his funding from Canada so it doesn’t look like you’ll stop the Left from exposing the evils of your hardline economic system of capitalism. Remember it’s that system which puts 45 milliion people without access to health care. 35 MILLION IN POVERTY – THAT’S ABOUT 1 IN 8. LET ME SAY THAT AGAIN 1 IN 8. AND AMERICA IS THE LAND OF THE FREE? THAT’S WHAT PEOPLE LIKE YOU SAY! JUSTIFY THAT RONIN!
And Rage Against the Machine was a left-wing rock band from 1991 to 2001. Three of the four band members formed Audioslave after RATM split up. You really are cut off from society in rural Texas aren’t you! You complete genius!
And France is completely entitled to an independent foreign policy that is completely different to yours. Spain said that. Britain said that. Australia said that. Those three countries supported your arsehole government last March in the war so your argument doesn’t stand up. The Russians said that, the Chinese, the Candians, the Germans – the list goes on ronin!
Au revoir and grow up you immature little boy.
LOL!

Now let’s see if I can fire another one right over his head.

Cool! Now we’re like pen pals, limey. You confused me in your first paragraph, though. First you complimented me on my spelling, and then you say I reinforced that Americans can’t spell. I’m not saying you’re inconsistent, though – I’m just pointing it out – so don’t get all crazy and limey on me.
You’re right about North Korea; they’re an internet access paradise. You can’t swing a starving peasant in North Korea without hitting a cyber-cafe. Thanks for pointing that out, limey.
And I thought limey was a term of endearment, I just used that to make you comfortable, you rascally limey. See? We’re like friends.
Hey, you know about our elections, limey! Good for you! Those are for us big boys only, though, and you’ll notice that at the polling places there will be big signs saying, “No Limeys”. Actually, if there is any evidence of a limey being involved in an election, it all gets thrown out.
And what am I lying about, limey my friend? I really do laugh at the poor. They’re funny. Every seen any? Sometimes they juggle.
Thanks for pointing out that Canadians are funding Michael Moore to help undermine America, limey. I’ll report that to the authorities so that they bomb Canada and kill Michael Moore. The only problem will be what to do with his bloated corpse. I’d say the sea, but I wonder what ill effects it might have on sea life. If you have any idea, please tell me, limey. You’ve already been great help as it is, though.
And stop looking at the glass as 1/8 empty; instead, look at it as 7/8 full. That’s 7/8 of nearly 300 million people who aren’t poor and thus I don’t laugh at. You have to admit that’s pretty nice of me, limey. I could also be laughing at the lower middle-class, but I don’t.
Oh! Rage Against the Machine the music group! I now understand, limey. Their songs are pretty cute, but they all sound the same. Maybe they wouldn’t have had to break up if they sounded less angry and did more Barry Manilow covers.
I’m afraid we can’t let France have their own foreign policy, no matter what Communist dictators in China say. France hates all mankind, and they need to be foiled. Plus, they smell. Luckily America always stands up and controls all conflicts in the world, thus keep us from becoming blowed up. Isn’t that great, limey?
Hope to hear back from you. You’re my favorite limey friend!
-Frank J.
http://imao.us
P.S. I don’t usually like to point out someone’s spelling errors, as no one is expected to proof check their e-mails to the highest degree, but, when calling someone a “stupid bastard”, you might want to try and spell at least one of those words correctly… unless, of course, you were trying to demonstrate that you are a “STUPIUD BASTRAD” yourself, and thus know one from experience.
Wanker.

I also got this hate mail:

What a moron you are!
Oh well, it’s a free country.
Mr. Lucas

I wonder what that was about? I hope it wasn’t Rachel Lucas’s father.

You Can’t Take My Guns with Your Cold Dead Hands

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So I just hit more than 100,000 unique visitors for this month, my first month to do that. And I think I should be able to keep it up and add to it next month, but then I realized, “Dude, I gotta write stuff.”
And I’m like, “Dude, I can’t think of anything to write today.”
To which I replied, “But, dude, if you don’t write anything, no one is going to come to your site except for hobos looking for a place to sleep.”
And was I was like, “Dude!”
Anyway, I better check the news for something to write about. If I find some current issue everyone cares about and then like write something smart about it, people will be like, “We should all read Frank J. because he is witty and insightful on the issues I care about.”
And other will be like, “This is true.”
So… what’s in the news…
Man, the new is all like boring and stupid. What’s a Haiti?
Oh, here is something; the Democrats are trying to ruin a perfectly good bill stopping useless lawsuits against gun manufacturers.
I hate Democrats!
Anyway, there are like these people trying to sue gun manufacturers out of business, and then they’ll destroy our Second Amendment rights because it doesn’t matter if you have a right to guns if you can’t buy any. It’s just like people ruining the First Amendment by stopping the manufacture of… uh… speech.
No, wait, I mean like if it was too expensive to like go on the internet or phone people, because then you could talk all you want but no one could hear you… except for your neighbors who will call the police if you’re too loud. Stupid neighbors. Hey, you show me what volume Korn should be played at.
Where was I? Oh yeah… lawsuits! Now, what I don’t get is why when the gun manufacturers are in court, they don’t just go, “I would like to submit one of my products as evidence,” and then turn around and shoot the plaintiff and lawyers. “See; it works just fine.” That would be so cool!
Well, this bill, they won’t even have to go to court and waste their time (I think that whole shooting the plaintiffs thing breaks some sort of legal tradition), and it looks like it should pass the Senate easy… but the Democrats are trying to add anti-gun amendments to it.
I hate Democrats!
They want an amendment that messes with gun shows, which, if you ever been to one, is lots of fun… except, maybe, for the people with WWII memorabilia (i.e., Nazi flags). Anyway, this won’t affect that, just the gun sales – which are cool! Stay away from the gun sales, you bastards.
On a side note, I found that a gun show isn’t always the best place to bring your girlfriend, but your mileage may vary.
Anyhoo, then there is the renewal of the so-called “assault weapons” ban. Notice the “so-called” and the scare quotes. That’s because who wrote the ban didn’t know jack about guns. He probably couldn’t tell a bullpup from a hole in the ground. They should have people who know things about guns write the bills… but those people would like guns so they’d probably write good bills like the “Be Nice to Your Gun and Oil It” bill. But what they call an “assault weapon” in the so-called “assault weapons” ban is just guns that look cool or have cool names. Someone should bring a real assault weapon into congress – fully automatic with a grenade launcher – and then say, “Now this here is an assault weapon.” Then he should give the Democrats the crazy eye. “Just try and ban it! Make my day!”
Oh, and now I’m getting e-mails from people saying that the NRA is for this compromise, and then I’m getting e-mails from the NRA saying that’s a total crock. That’s good, because the media has spent so much effort painting the NRA as extreme that you aren’t going to get very far telling people they aren’t far right enough on a gun issue.
So where was I? Oh yeah, I wanted to say something profound and unique on the issue so that people will say, “That Frank, he’s a smart one he is.”
“And relevant too,” another will add.
So… uh… profound… er… uh…
I hate Democrats!