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“…and then I’ll rip out your entrails and dangle them from a tree that is to be chosen at a later date,” Rumsfeld said.
“But that doesn’t answer my question about the quagmire in Iraq,” the reporter responded.
“Rarr!” Rumsfeld yelled as he ripped a mike out of his podium and tossed it at the reporter’s head.
“My question is about the prisoners in Guantanamo Bay and the violation of their rights,” stated another reporter.
“Why do you care about terrorist scum?” Rumsfeld demanded, “I guarantee that that human filth is not being hooked up to electrodes, having their fingernails pulled out, bring beaten with a rubber hose, or any other various thing I’m planning on doing to them. Does that make you pansies happy?”
“We hear that some of the terrorists aren’t delighted with their conditions,” said another reporter.
“That’s it! No more questions,” Rumsfeld exclaimed as he pulled out two .45’s, “Now you all die!”
The press fled the room. Bush then came up to Rumsfeld. “You need to control that temper, Rummy.”
“The only thing I need to control is my aim!”
“I know what would make you feel better!” Bush exclaimed, “A visit to beautiful Cuba!”
“Yes,” Rumsfeld said as he put away his guns, “Time to torture some terrorists!”
“So here we are at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba,” Bush narrated to the benefit of the readers.
“Torture! Torture! Torture!” Rumsfeld said excitedly as he walked towards the base.
“Hey Mr. President and Mr. Warmonger,” said the Commander of the base, “Don’t you have things to do in Washington?”
“They say things go more smoothly when I’m not there,” Bush answered, “Now where are these wily terrorists?”
“Just point us to the torture chamber,” Rumsfeld ordered.
“Uh… we don’t have a torture chamber,” the Commander said, “We treat the prisoners nice here to keep Amnesty International off our backs.”
Bush looked around. “Hey, this place looks more like a club than a prison.”
“And the drink prices at this tiki bar are way too low,” Rumsfeld yelled, He then turned to the commander. “You’re coddling the prisoners! So all this time I’ve been covering you by saying you’re not torturing the prisoners and trampling their rights, you’ve actually been not torturing the prisoners and not trampling on their rights?”
“Well… yeah!” the Commander admitted.
“Rarr!” Rumsfeld screamed, causing the man to run away.
Soon a terrorist walked by holding a blue ball and a racket. “This racquetball is losing its bounce,” he complained, “You better get me new ones or I’ll call Amnesty International!”
Rumsfeld grabbed the terrorist by his neck and held him up in the air. “You’re going to spill your guts about what you know or you’re literally going to spill your guts when I rip them out with a dull spoon!”
“Amnesty International!” Bush exclaimed as some people came walking by.
“What’s going on here?” one of Amnesty International demanded.
“Terrorists aren’t being tortured and murdered, that for sure,” Bush said.
“We heard the racquetball courts at this detention camp aren’t adequate. Is this true?”
The terrorists, who was being hugged tight to Rumsfeld, said in weak voice, “No. Everything is fine.”
Amnesty International didn’t look too convinced, but they walked off. As soon as they were gone, Rumsfeld picked up the racket and started beating the terrorist over the head with it. “Now tell us what you know! Rarr!”
“Fine! I’ll go write up a list of known contacts!” the terrorist said, backing away, “You guys sure are mean.”
“That’s how you get information from these subhuman bastards,” Rumsfeld said.
“We have to be careful, though,” Bush stated, “Those Amnesty International freaks are watching us. If they see a terrorist even get inconvenienced, they’ll raise hell for me in the press.”
“Not my problem!” Rumsfeld announced as he walked further into the camp. Soon he came to a number of terrorists playing video games. “What’s this?” Rumsfeld demanded.
“It’s a video arcade!” Bush exclaimed happily.
“Quiet!” yelled one of the terrorists, “You’re going to make me lose a life.”
“Nothing will prevent that,” Rumsfeld said, grabbing the terrorist by the head and smashing it into the arcade game screen.
“Hey! I wanted to play that game next!” Bush complained.
Rumsfeld punched through the wall and ripped out a pipe. Holding it over his head, he yelled, “Now all you terrorists scum are going to tell me what you know and I may not beat you to death… though I probably will anyway!”
“That’s a violation of rights!” exclaimed on of Amnesty International who was watching.
“Shouldn’t you people be more concerned with the nearby political prisoners imprisoned by Castro than murderous terrorists?” Rumsfeld asked.
“Castro is just trying to preserve his socialist paradise,” the Amnesty International worker responded, “but we need to curb the evil, imperialist impulses of America. Do you understand?”
Rumsfeld dropped his pipe.
“See, now you dropped your weapon. And now you have lifted up your hand in a sign of peace while tensing your fingers, and now you are running towards, and now… ack… urk…”
“In international news, the so-called ‘Rumsfeld Strangler’ has struck in Cuba, killing three representatives of Amnesty International,” said the anchorwoman, “Leaving behind a note saying, ‘I, Donald Rumsfeld, Secretary of War, have strangled these people and will strangle more as soon as I find them.’ Amnesty International said that, while the strangling of their people is a bad thing, they don’t want to draw attention from the much worse violation of human rights by the twenty percent price hike on drinks for terrorists at Gitmo.
“So far, there are no leads on the killer, but Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld was later asked by reporters and how he felt about a serial killer using his name. He responded with quote, ‘I strangled those people, you idiots, and now I’m going to strangle all of you for being so dumb.’ Incidentally, all those reporters were soon found dead for unrelated reasons involving strangling.”
“I guess the mystery of the Rumsfeld Strangler will never be solved, Diane,” commented the anchorman.
“Probably not. Anyway, on to our next story: Canadians – inconsequential neighbors to the North or moose worshipping cannibals?”
I POOP MY PANTS!!! BUAHAHAHA
I am now officially a total loser for having done that.
“That’s a violation of rights!” exclaimed on of Amnesty International who was watching.
“Shouldn’t you people be more concerned with the nearby political prisoners imprisoned by Castro than murderous terrorists?” Rumsfeld asked.
“Castro is just trying to preserve his socialist paradise,” the Amnesty International worker responded, “but we need to curb the evil, imperialist impulses of America. Do you understand?”
It would be funnier if it wasn’t true. Maybe I’d hate Amnesty International less if they’d add Pancake to thier name. That way I’d probably think of nice, warm fluffy pancakes drenched in syrup instead of a group of Marxist tools.
Moose worshipping cannibals?
Now those would be cool neighbors. Better yet, they would make great Coalition partners.
“The locals say that some Coalition forces attacked and ate a small Afghan village.”
“I can assure that it is against U.S.M.C. policy to eat indiginous personel. Thanks Canada!”
This is the best. I can’t stop laughing when the press can’t seem to get a clue as to who the Rumsfeld strangler is. Maybe he should strike a certain parties presidential candidate next?
I found your site a couple of months ago, and I don’t think I ever laughed out loud so much at work in my life. Keep it up, Frank, and Nuke the Moon! : )
that last line needs to be added to your pool of random quotes.
“Moose worshipping cannibals”
ROTFLMAO
Now I know I have to start a band. That’s just too good a name not to use somewhere special.
Thanks Frank
“And the drink prices at this tiki bar are way too low,” Rumsfeld yelled
ROTLMAO
YES! I was hoping for a new Rumsfeld Strangler post! Great job, Frank!
Amnesty International – another noble idea completely ruined by communists. Commies try to get their vile, evil, irrational hands on everything.
Right on the money Frank. Orgs like AI and the UN start out with the noblest of intentions, but alas, look where then end up when they try to be diverse or multi-culture and let in some commies.
I’d object to calling even the intention of the UN noble. It was started as a way for the two superpowers to mutually restrain one another. Giving the allies and the soviets/ china a veto shows that. It was never about ending hunger, or stopping war. It was about keeping both sides handcuffed enough so that they couldn’t press the big red button. It only expanded into the “humanitarian” realm when there got to be too many people, too much money, and not enough holes to toss it in.
As for AI, I’m torn on them. I think they’ve done an admirable job of trying to expose abuses in China, Iraq, Iran, NK, Zimbabwae, and the other festering hellholes of the planet. However, they surrendered all that good will by equating the US with those countries. They fail to identify the difference between a legally spotty detention of possible combatants by a country which is a liberal republic, and the human rights’s abuses of malignant, violent, torturing regeimes. If they’d just come out and say “We at Amnesty International understand that no matter how bad we may think Gitmo is, it is Disneyworld compared to any prison used by most governments on Earth. We also realize that the only reason we can openly complain about the conditions for the Gitmo detainees is the American passion for allowing dissent. If we were to do the same critique of a Cuban jail in Cuba we’d become an ‘unperson’.”
I am glad that an organization like AI does exist. However it would be better if they didn’t choose the side of all the various “-ist” groups over the US.
I agree with you on AI, if the US was actually the worst violator of human rights in the world, the world would be a pretty nice place. AI has serious problems in being consistent in their criticism of HR abuses around the world. NK, China, Zimbabwe, et al should be harshly criticized because their violations are systemic and occur becuase of the very nature of the various institutions and policies they employ. In the US the small number of violations that occur are largely isolated and individual. As Frank rightly and humorously points out, the prisoners in Gitmo are treated extremely fairly and well, compared to the hell-holes of NK “re-education” camps it is Disneyland.
As to the UN, you are correct. The initial charter and the sham Declaration of Human Rights were fatally flawed philosophically and in terms of understanding human nature from the get go. What the founders of the UN (including communist Alger Hiss, member of FDR’s cabinet) proclaimed were the initial aims of the UN could be ostensibly construed as noble but put all that in the hands of commies and look what you get.
As an aside, read the ten planks of Marx’s communist manifesto and then compare that to the UN charter and the UNDHR. If that doesn’t piss you off compare the commie manifesto to the policies and legacy of the Woodrow Wilson administration.
Frank, you have answered my wishes of Rummy. Now I am in the mood to bash more liberals in college. Thanks for the motivation.
I’d object to calling even the intention of the UN noble.
You didn’t explain your objection to calling the intention of the UN noble. Stopping nuclear war isn’t noble?
Priceless, Frank. Rumsfeld rocks! Favorite quote (besides Rarr!):
I am all for stopping nuclear war. That is pure, self-interested self-preservation talking though. It has nothing to do with nobility.
Nuclear war is bad.. but I had to admit that the really sick, ridiculously perverted side of me wants to see a mushroom cloud envelope.. well.. most of the world. But then, of course, I wouldn’t want anybody (other than those I don’t like) to be hurt.. or pretty land destroyed. I just want the cloud. And a boom.
They should make Nuclear War Barbie kits so we could have mini-nuclear wars in the comfort of our own homes. There’s an entire Barbie World.. they’re bound to have wars… they just HAVE to. Then I could blow stuff up in my house. Just add baking soda!
Sarah G. is right. She should note, however, that there was an entire line of GI Joe dolls back in the early 70’s (my childhood) where they still had guns and bombs and other wonderful stuff.
Unfortunately somebody (hippies) got it into their minds that this might cause little boys to grow up to be men. Now all the weapons look like toys and teach the kids nothing about the responsibilities of living in a free society. The good news is that the Baby Boomers are getting older and will soon die off leaving behind a whole generation of very annoyed Gen X-ers who think the Gen-Y kids need to have harshness beaten back into them.
Sarah G. You can fulfill that desire through the purchase of any of the Civilization games by Sid Meier. I have several versions of Civ II games saved where only two countries are left in the world: America and France. Of course America has pretty much dominated the world, except for a little pocket of France I have allowed to live. I of course have to attack them now and then to make sure they do not exceed their authorized total of 2 phalanxes and a legion. Whenever I’m feeling particulary angry at the French (usually after seeing a picture of Jaques Chirac or John Kerry) I’ll fire up one of those games and send a nuke straight into downtown Franceville.
Trust me Sarah G, nothing Barbie could do can compare to the visceral satisfaction of Civ IIIs nuke siren, the cloud, rumble, and sudden loss of 3 population ranks for the target. I think I’ll do it when I get home tonight.
SSG B! That’s a wonderful idea. I usually just blow up some Cubans in Vice City.. but Civilization is a good idea. I shall borrow it from one of my friends.
I do, however, continue to want Nuclear War Barbie. There’s just something about destruction you can touch. 😉 Besides. I think it’s about time for Skipper to go down.
And Liberty Bob.. my dad is a baby boomer who was a marine in Vietnam. I’m a conservative Gen-X girl who likes guns, but I’m not angry, thankfully because my dad didn’t give into any of the hippie crap. It’s unfortunate that some other kids.. most a bit younger than me.. didn’t get to play with fake guns and toys that actually hurt a little when you’re hit with them. Whoever thought it’d be a good idea to take nerfguns off the shelf oughta be shot. There’s a lot of pent up agression out there now. 😉
Sarah G.,
You’re not supposed to kill Cubans who are in America. I want an invade Cuba game!
What am I SUPPOSED to do Frank? Let ’em live? I doubt it. They can’t just troll up on my beach and expect me not to blow ’em to bits with the rocket launcher. (Well, sometimes I use other guns or run over them.. but still.)
There are far too few games which allow you to expressly kill commies.
Frank J. who went back and changed my initial post?
I’ve been planning a fun and educational game called “Commie Killer.”
Fun because you get to kill Commies.
Educational because you learn the value of killing Commies.
All I need is a grant to get started…
Sarah,
I prefer the minigun, but everyone has their preferences.
SSG B,
No, you originally said that.
LibertyBob: are you talking about the old claassic 12″ Joes?
Go to your local Johnny’s Toys or Meier’s. Not only are the classic Joes making a comeback, they have “clones” too, so you can find (say) a German Paratrooper or British Tommy with accurate kit these days. In fact, the local Meier’s over here even has a 1/6 Joe replica of the motorcycle that Steve McQueen used in The Great Escape.
Believe it or not, you can even find a 1/6 Kiowa chopper for Joes too! Yikes. Wish I had that when I was a kid! heh.
So Sarah has quite a few opportunities to play with dolls of Death. 🙂
But, Sarah, one little thing: just what did you mean when you said “I think it’s about time for Skipper to go down.”? I’m just saying… 🙂
Speaking of minigun, have you seen Angel’s Angel’s Dance, where there is 22 with a dummy used as a silencer. If you have not seen it yet, you must see it know. It is a strange story, but with metaphorical sceneries that are interesting.
The Paris Bombing of 2009, a story that you should read.
I hope it won’t happen. The Luxembourg is my favorite garden in Paris. It is the only place where you can pull a chair and sit where ever you want, even in the middle of an alley. There are chess players, models of boats on the bassin, and the sculptures of the great ladies of France. There is a musical parade every day and a coffee shop, quite a nice place to have a chocolate break at middle day. They cannot nuke it.
Here is a mini gun having a conversation with a medium sized gun.
AI ARE worried about Cuba
http://news.amnesty.org/mav/index/ENGAMR250032004
Fretoberne, if the US didn’t sponsor human rights abuses in Uzbekhistan and Pinochet’s CHile the world would be a nice place too.
“Amnesty International House of Pancakes”
*** giggle, snarf, snort *****
Funny stuff SSGB but I have to tell you that I have no love nor respect for AI.
I had a personal experience with AI. As my post name implies, I was one of the Marines held in Tehran in 79-81. While we were there a priest by the name of Fr. Rupiper (sp?) showed up as a representative of AI. One of my fellow detainees, while shaking the good father’s hand passed him a note detailing all the mental and physical abuse we were under. As soon as the captive was led out, the good father turned to his “host” and gave him the note without even reading it. The captive was beaten later that day. What really made me sick was that after we got back I saw a tape of Rudepooper when he got back from Tehran with tears in his eyes telling the camera “This is just as hard on those poor students.” meaning the terrorists who were holding us.
All AI and the UN do is to put a thin veneer of legitimacy on corrupt, primative, despotic regimes. Every UN rep that votes for a resolution condemning the US or Israel should be forced to live in the Sudan or Cuba WITHOUT diplomatic immunity!
I’ve found that playing Global power is a better substitute to Civ III as you can you can have fun with the nuclear war heads, bad day turn on the machine enter the war room. Pick a selection of citys and watch the fun.
I find it is best to pick on countries that no one cares about like the swiss. Pick a country like france and all these missles start fireing