I had the group critique for my novel The Last American, and I’m just lucky we meet over AIM instead of in person because that kept them from beating me over the head with chairs. Well, the reason I joined was to get some honest opinions, and it looks like I’m stating over again on that book. But I will be the greatest novelist ever one day; this I swear!
I also need to set aside some time and compile what I’ve written for my non-fiction, scientifical analysis of the left book (I’ve shown you a few chapters in progress from that). Someone needs to scrutinize those Michael Moores, Al Frankens, and Noam Chomskys out there, and who better than me to handle it with the gravity it requires? (Answer: no one)
Next, I need to look into becoming a columnist to show up those good-for-nothings Dave Barry and Jonah Goldberg. Anyone know of a good resource on how one achieves the honorable status of columnist? I’ve seen what they put on the NYT editorial page, so it can’t be that hard.
BTW, got the juiciest hate mail this morning– so good I need some prep to respond so I’ll show you it tomorrow.
Also, I should pass one million unique visitors by my Extreme Tracker count either tonight or tomorrow morning. I have something special in plan for celebration…
Why waste time with a rewrite?
Most agents like a solid outline and some sample chapters. Do that much and if it sells, then finish it.
J
That’s more for non-fiction (and I plan on that for my non-fiction book).
Dude, keep at it. May I suggest the book “The First Five Pages”? Outstanding advice on how to write to and how to get published.
Persistance is the mark of the successful author.
Orion
I find it hard to believe your book was all that bad. I’d offer to read it myself, except that I’m a very important professional author and don’t have time to waste on amateurs.
Thanks, Lars, that means a lot 🙂
It probably had its good points, but the book would have never made it out of a slush pile.
Frank
If you are not publishing it can you at least put it up on IMAO? For someone who dislikes fiction books, I really enjoyed it.
i’d read it…how can I get a look?
To become a columnist I think I heard that you have to have connections with the publisher of the paper. The trick is to start out in a small paper and try to get picked up in syndication. See if some small, local rag in your area would like to have a weekly submission from you. Show them the numbers from your IMAO readership and it might get you in the door.
I think it goes “Ooh, ooh, I’m a monkey!”
Whatever, if you laugh, tell me. If you don’t, you’re lyin’. And, shit, it’s gotta be better than Cho.
Speaking in tongues
I work for a large corporation, and like employees in most big organisations, I use a lot of jargon. It can’t really be avoided; it’s shorthand that my colleagues all understand and employ, and no matter how queasy it makes you feel, well, you’ve got to join in. There are several different categories — here a few of them, together with translations–
Some just substitute one word for another. These are quite useful, and we shouldn’t beat ourselves up too badly when we use them — for example:
– “Delta” = “Difference”
– “Disconnect”= “Unexpected difference”
– “Serious disconnect” = “Mistake” (Implied)
– “Serious mistake” = “We’re all going to die.”
Many seem to have been created to avoid using the word “problem”, which is seen as having negative and upsetting connotations. (I have to admit to having used at least two of these in earnest already today. (I’ll let you worry about which ones.) For example:
– “I’m not sure we’re on track” = “Is there a problem?”
– “We’ve hit some turbulence” = “There is a problem.”
– “What’s the gating factor?” = “What is the problem?”
– “What’s the materiality level?” “How serious is the problem?”
– “We need to put together a recovery plan” = “We don’t understand the problem”
– “It’s not within the scope of my role” = “It’s not my problem”
– “Who’s the owner and what’s the significant event?” = “Who has to do what to fix the problem?”
– “I feel more confident now that you’ve taken ownership” = “Yay! It’s your problem! Sucker. ”
Note: Sometimes the “P”-word can be used, but only when it’s aimed and fired at someone else, thus ensuring that they’re the ones who look negative, as in:
– “The difference between us is that I look for solutions while you look for problems.” = “I am an unprincipled toady who would suck every dick in the building, including my own, rather than show any hesitation when asked by a more senior manager to perform any task, no matter how difficult, because I will dump it on the poor hapless bastards who work for me. Last year I was responsible for three resignations, one suicide, two attempts on my life, (one resulting in minor abrasions and other in the regrettable mutilation of George from Fleet Services, who was cleaning my car unaware that it contained what I seem to remember the Bomb Squad called a “device”), and the decision to put Prozac in the water-cooler. You, on the other hand, seem to have retained a few shards of realism and integrity. I pray that one day you will work for me and then, oh how you’ll pay. Muh-ha-ha-ha.”
Sorry, got a bit carried away on that one. He knows who he is–
And some seem to have no other function than to avoid the word “Okay”:
– “I think I can sign up to that” = “Okay”
– “I don’t have a problem with that” = “Okay”
– “Sounds good to me” = “Okay”
– “Okay” = “I wasn’t listening to what you said, but as you out-rank me I’ll just say “Okay”.”
And then there’s the career-orientated stuff:
– “I’m a great believer in empowering the people in my team” = “Don’t come into my office until you’ve got something nice to tell me”
– “We need to discuss your Development Plan” = “You’re in the wrong job. Remind me why we hired you?”
– “I’m not sure about your commitment” = “I know we hired you because of your tits, but we sort of hoped you’d do some work”
– “You really need to take some time to think this through” = “You’re a f***ing halfwit. If you ever have a creative thought your head will explode like the guy in that Cronenberg movie. And I’ll be glad. And I’ll pretend that thought was my thought.”
– “Id really value your opinion” = “Don’t even think about it”
Nope, I’ve re-read it, and it’s still funny. Guess you’re all just slow readers. (Which is sorta what I expected.)Here’s a tip – don’t try to follow the words, just blow your f***ing brains out. (Should be easy, “Friendly fire, body bags, etc.,etc.,)
dude, quite funny, but get your own blog.
Frank-
I wrote to you a couple of days ago & mentioned that I had been published. No biggie, just rants about China, patriotism, stuff to PO liberals. Our state paper has a monthly opportunity for anyone (me included!) to send in a short (300 or so) essay on whatever. If they like it, they publish. (oh ya, & you don’t get paid) The upside is if they like your stuff, you may be approached for a weekly. Look around your area and submit stuff for the “editorial” editor to peruse. Make sure it goes to the right guy, or someone will use it for TP.
Good luck-
I know a great way to get some columns posted. Get a bunch of Euro-trash henchmen, and a nerdy black guy. Go in armed to the teeth. Make a bunch of silly ass demands to throw Agent Johnson and Special Agent Johnson off while you are writing your columns. Blow the roof of the building up. When they ask you what your name is, tell them Frank “Hans” Gruber.
If that fails, break out the almighty “RACE CARD”!
I like the first option best. If you need backup, just gimme a holler.
You will never become the worlds greatest novelest…Not so long as im around! AHAHAHAAH!
Thanks for the advice on columns.
I’m not going to post my novel when I know I can do it better.
FIRST YOU’RE GONNA SUBMIT TO TIME! AND THEN TO NEWSWEEK! AND TO U.S. NEWS & WORLD REPORT!
THEN YOU’RE GONNA SEND DRAFTS TO THE WASHINGTON POST! THE NEW YORK TIMES! THE DES MOINES REGISTER! THE LOS ANGELES TIMES! THE ATLANTA NEWS AND CONSTITUTION!
AND THEN YOU’RE GONNA GO TO WASHINGTON AND MAKE THE CONGRESSIONAL RECORD FINALLY WORTH READING!
YYYAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!
Jim
Sloop New Dawn
Galveston, TX
Gawd, I love this place… I’ve had to install a seatbelt on my office chair since I started reading IMAO, and now I’m on my way to needing a new monitor. Maybe a plexiglass sneezeguard will do the trick… Hmmm…
Congrats on the readership, Frank. Your novel will come, but I think syndication might come even earlier if you put your mind to it.
My cat has really sharp teeth.