Doyle S. from Moscow, Russia asks:
What happens when an easily resisted force meets an easily moved object?
Finally, an intelligent question. I believe this causes a rip in the space-time continuum or something. Fortunately, this situation is very unlikely to happen because it would involve France invading itself.
Don W. from Virginia asks:
Frank, I’m not as funny as you. How can I change that?
Drink a gallon of Windex.
NOTE: IMAO and its subsidiaries (of which there are none) are not liable for any damage done by an individual following the advice of this column.
Wesley from the starship Enterprise asks:
Since you have such a distain for monkeys, I was wondering how you felt about famous man/ape, ape/man combinations, like Tarzan or Bigfoot?
Tarzan is not a man ape; he is a man raised by apes and thus a traitor to his kind. I’m pretty sure Bigfoot is a myth, but if not, he should be killed because he is obviously part of some huge monkey conspiracy… probably involving space aliens.
I don’t like space aliens either.
Denny from Montenegro writes:
On Sept. 23 I heard a report on NPR about hand washing (http://www.npr.org/features/feature.php?wfId=1440436). The report was based upon research done by spies in airport bathrooms. They commented that 20% of women and 30% of men don’t wash their hands. I find this disgusting but a listener mail read on NPR yesterday, Sept. 25, brought to the table a good point. That is, “person uses restroom, person turns on faucet with soiled hands, soil is deposited on faucet, person washes hands, person once again touches faucet, soil is re-deposited on persons hand. What has been accomplished?” So, Frank, what has been accomplished?
Washing ones hands after using the restroom is of cultural significance. It shows that we have higher standards of cleanliness than filthy animals such as the capybara or the Frenchman. When you refuse to wash your hands, you distance yourself from the standards of man and chip away at your own humanity.
What is accomplished, you ask? Why everything. From advanced technology, putting man in space, to medicine that lengthens our lives; this is all symbolized in the act of washing our hands. We once lived in caves, but now we have faucets in our bathrooms and for good reason.
Then again, perhaps the push to always wash your hands after going to the bathroom is just a conspiracy by Big Water to keep people using their product. Damn you, water utilities!
Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.
Well with those new hands free motion sensor faucets you don’t have to worry about the handles.
The hands free motion sensor toilets should burn in hell.
Suddenly I don’t feel so good but I’m feeling funnier already. Thanks Frank!
Now, if we only get Michael Moore to drink a few gallons of Windex…
I think it would take a more than a few gallons to bring that beast down.
If you’ve got a filthy urine dispenser, or are some sort of spastic who pees on your fingers, by all means, wash your hands. You are why I do not touch the handles in a public restroom.
here’s the procedure:
1. Flush urinal by using a high ninja style kick to the handle.
2. Wash hands
3. Grab towel and dry hands. Use towel to turn off faucet.
4. Use same towel to open the door to exit. Try to deposit
towel in garbage… if the garbage isn’t close to the exit just toss it in a corner.
5. If the bathroom doesn’t have paper towels, you have to turn the faucet off with a jumping ninja wheel kick.
Open the door to exit by knocking it down.
I really do that stuff melvin,,,, no joke.
Our mother taught us early that we shouldn’t pee on our hands.
Frank,
You really missed a golden opportunity to ask one of your readers why, in the name of all that is good and holy, he listens to NPR.
I don’t know about you guys, but I like to think that my hands are dirtier than my, well, “Piece” – so I wash my hands BEFORE I go, then maybe again after (depending on how well my aim is)…
I lick the door handles and the faucets.
It keeps my immunity system in top form.
Man, you all have been drinking Windex!
I love the toilet flushers that are buttons on the wall so I can just Ninja kick ’em to flush…..
Mr. Marine,
I know there is really no good reason to listen to NPR but, alas, I must defend myself somehow. Here it goes… After being at work all day I like to get a run of the news on my way home. NPR is the only news radio station in my area and that is why I listen. Plus, it’s always good to know what the enemy is cookin’, if ya know what I mean.
Now then, on to the topic of bathroom cleanliness. I think the air hand dryers are a terrorist bio weapon channeled through the Arbor Day Foundation and all other tree huggers. Seeing as how environmental people are silly and usually stupid they were easy to infiltrate. Now then, the bio weapon… The way I see it the terrorist know most Americans don’t wash their hands (they listen to NPR too) and took the opportunity to get rid of all paper towels in bathrooms across America. This takes away our first line of defense against biological hazards on door handles and faucets, thus spreading disease throughout the population. The day air hand dryers are in all bathrooms across America is the day the terrorists win.
Whoa, that was a long post… sorry, I thought I was at Whittle’s site…
Those capybara are damned filthy animals. More hairy than a monkey and greasier too…
Being a good Muslim, I wipe the brown with my left hand, never touching it to anything I eat, only left-shaking hands with infidels when I meet them as a sign of disdain and disrespect. My left hand is as stained with brown as one of you chain smoking American Christian unbelievers.
Tuesday Happy Hour
Moe’s Toast… “Here is to the fools of the world… without them, the rest of us could not succeed.” Bart’s Prank CallsPhone call for Al…Al Coholic…is there an Al Coholic here? Wait a minute…Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass, if…
Tuesday Happy Hour
Moe’s Toast… “Here is to the fools of the world… without them, the rest of us could not succeed.” Bart’s Prank CallsPhone call for Al…Al Coholic…is there an Al Coholic here? Wait a minute…Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass, if…
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