Fritz, who is probably now trying to come to grips with the fact that Arnold is going to be his governor (or not), has a great story about twins, mannequins, and respecting your customers.
I forgot to mention yesterday that John Hawkins had a great interview with David Limbaugh. He also today has a list of truths about American politics.
Dana at Note-It Posts (oh, I finally got that blog name!) has her first ever top ten list, all about our new favorite Demi-crat, Howard Dean.
One last thing – why I love Fox & Friends in the morning. Somehow the subject of ANWR comes up, and, as she usually does, E.D. Hill gets suddenly indignantly angry, talking about how the warmth from the pipes of the oil drilling helps the caribou multiply. Without missing a beat, Brian Kilmeade responds, “Yeah, when those caribou get hot pipe, they sure like to multiply.”
Archive of entries posted on 7th October 2003
Frank Answers: Weak Forces, Be Like Frank, Monkey-men, and Hand Washing
Doyle S. from Moscow, Russia asks:
What happens when an easily resisted force meets an easily moved object?
Finally, an intelligent question. I believe this causes a rip in the space-time continuum or something. Fortunately, this situation is very unlikely to happen because it would involve France invading itself.
Don W. from Virginia asks:
Frank, I’m not as funny as you. How can I change that?
Drink a gallon of Windex.
NOTE: IMAO and its subsidiaries (of which there are none) are not liable for any damage done by an individual following the advice of this column.
Wesley from the starship Enterprise asks:
Since you have such a distain for monkeys, I was wondering how you felt about famous man/ape, ape/man combinations, like Tarzan or Bigfoot?
Tarzan is not a man ape; he is a man raised by apes and thus a traitor to his kind. I’m pretty sure Bigfoot is a myth, but if not, he should be killed because he is obviously part of some huge monkey conspiracy… probably involving space aliens.
I don’t like space aliens either.
Denny from Montenegro writes:
On Sept. 23 I heard a report on NPR about hand washing (http://www.npr.org/features/feature.php?wfId=1440436). The report was based upon research done by spies in airport bathrooms. They commented that 20% of women and 30% of men don’t wash their hands. I find this disgusting but a listener mail read on NPR yesterday, Sept. 25, brought to the table a good point. That is, “person uses restroom, person turns on faucet with soiled hands, soil is deposited on faucet, person washes hands, person once again touches faucet, soil is re-deposited on persons hand. What has been accomplished?” So, Frank, what has been accomplished?
Washing ones hands after using the restroom is of cultural significance. It shows that we have higher standards of cleanliness than filthy animals such as the capybara or the Frenchman. When you refuse to wash your hands, you distance yourself from the standards of man and chip away at your own humanity.
What is accomplished, you ask? Why everything. From advanced technology, putting man in space, to medicine that lengthens our lives; this is all symbolized in the act of washing our hands. We once lived in caves, but now we have faucets in our bathrooms and for good reason.
Then again, perhaps the push to always wash your hands after going to the bathroom is just a conspiracy by Big Water to keep people using their product. Damn you, water utilities!
Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Syria, Recall Election, Graham, Rice, Kay, and Commies in Space
- Did you see the Israeli ambassador respond to the Syrian one at the U.N.? Damn, he looked pissed. Would have been cool if, when asked to respond to Syria, the Israeli ambassador just pulled out his gun and shot the Syrian. Sure it would have caused controversy, but I’m getting so damn tired of diplomacy. Gunshots speak louder than words. Hell, they ring your ears.
- When Israel attacked Syria, we should have followed up. It would be just like that scene in Predator when a guy sees the predator and starts firing and, though no one else knows what he’s firing at, they fire in the same direction. We should be like that because Israel is our ally, or, in the least, because we like shooting stuff.
- “If it bleeds, you can kill it.” My second favorite Arnold line. I hope Arnold wins today because:
A. I like it when Republicans win.
B. It will be entertaining to have Arnold as governor of the largest state in America.
C. I live far away from California, so it doesn’t affect me in the least. - Indian tribes seem to be giving huge support to the Bustamante campaign, sending out direct mail and paying for ads. I know what this is all about! The Indians and MEChA plan to join together and take back the land we stole fair and square! And I don’t really care because, again, it’s California and I don’t live there.
- That stupid Graham cracker finally quit the presidential race. Unlike Sharpton, he was actually deluded into thinking he could win. I hope we can now replace him as senator here in Florida because I want a Republican senator.
My other senator is also a Democrat, right? What the hell’s his name? Ah, who cares. - Condoleezza Rice is now taking command of stabilization in Iraq and Afghanistan and… hell, I’ll save any joke about this for an In My World™ tomorrow.
- You heard about that guy in New York who kept a tiger in his apartment? I have a baboon locked in my guestroom. How long is it going to take that damn thing to starve?
- So what’s up with the Kay report? Did we find evidence of WMD’s or not. I keep hearing opposite thing on that and I’m too bored to do any follow up.
- Pentagon sold items that could be used to make bio weapons to the public. Don’t they know there are supervillians out there just waiting for such an opportunity?
- China is still working on making a space program. What is it with Commies and going to space? No one in Europe is trying. I hope we have plans to shoot down any of China’s space capsules, because they have to be up to something evil and must be stopped. Space is ours!
- Two Americans and a Russian won the Nobel Prize in Physics for their work on quantum physics. I forgot if I’ve mentioned it before, but I don’t like quantum physics. Classical physics describes everything just fine, while quantum physics is weird and wacky. I don’t care if it’s true; I just done like it.
- I’m soon going to be finishing the final draft of the novel I’ve been working on, and I may post the query letter I’m going to send to agents so you people can give me critiques. And they better be good critiques, too, because, if you readers don’t make yourselves useful, I swear I’ll find new ones.