Clint from Macon, Georgia asks:
How does an internal combustion engine work?
I don’t think you want to know, because then, like next time you drive a car, you’d be like, “Holy crap!”
See, the whole engine is like exploding constantly from lighting that gasoline on fire when it’s on, pushing pistons and what not so that the car goes, “Vrooom! Vroooooom!” It’s total chaos in there.
So you’re probably now asking, “So what keeps the combustion internal and not external so that it doesn’t combust me too?”
Well, if you check around the engine (do this when it is off and on a non-haunted car), you’ll see a magic rune imprinted on it. This spell keeps the fire inside the engine. Were it ever scratched off, the next time you start your car, KA-BOOM!
Every 100,000 miles, you really should have the rune re-enchanted by a sorcerer. Check you car’s owner manual for more information.
Krista from Bonduel, Wisconsin asks:
Why is it that evil people (like the Nazis) always get the spiffiest looking uniforms?
As everyone knows, the secret to a good movie is good enemies. That’s why the Empire in Star Wars has all these nice clean uniforms, because you go, “Wow! Those guys are organized! They must be evil!”
That’s also why WWII was considered such a great war, because we had serious villains with cool uniforms. But look at Vietnam; no spiffy uniforms on our enemies, and many people thus look on that war with regret.
And take today’s wars, those people don’t know how to dress themselves at all. They make piss poor villains, because no one in their right mind could think they could actually win. From the looks of a lot of them, our troops are racing to get their kills before starvation can claim all the credit.
Well, hopefully we can have a war with China teamed up with North Korea. Those guys have spiffy uniforms, and I could see some real drama and suspense in that war.
Alan Forrester from from Balti, Moldova asks:
What is the meaning of life?
I assume you’re not just looking for the dictionary definition, which is readily available.
If you’re asking what the purpose of existence is, I tried to get a comment from God, but no one returned my phone calls. As always, though, Satan was on hand to give his opinion.
“Life is purposeless. God created you all to watch you suffer for His amusement. That’s why you must join up with me and rebel…”
Hey I said no more recruitment speeches, Satan.
“Fine. Can I at least plug my book? It’s Chicken Soup for the Damned Soul and it will be on bookshelves in August.”
Great. Now be gone, foul demon.
Anyway, I wouldn’t worry so much about the whole meaning of things and just follow your conscience, doing good deeds and what not. I always have been a little worried that whether you get into Heaven or not might be based on other things that how good you are, though, like there will be an obstacle course and movie trivia or you have to run a mile in under six minutes, but that’s probably not true. I’d be prepared, though.
Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.
Hold the presses–
MARINES have THE spiffiest dress uniforms around.
How about, “Why do the bad guys always have cool work uniforms?”
“Well, hopefully we can have a war with China teamed up with North Korea. Those guys have spiffy uniforms, and I could see some real drama and suspense in that war.”
And a target rich enviroment. Speaking of which, I hope Buck the Marine is back in time for that one…
DAMN IT!!! I’m from The City, USA (and I’m also nigh-invulnerable, the same as The Tick). I am NOT from Macon GA (that sounds too much like “Bacon, Georgia”). Get it straight, Frank J… Or I swear by everything that is holy that you will SUFFER MIGHTILY.
I highly recommend “Chicken Poop for the Soul”. It’s a classic.
Well, the spiffy uniform rule applies to the US itself, too. The most arrogant, ignorant and evil empire and – I have to admit – pretty dandy uniforms. Both tactical and parade ones.
Ignorant?
You calibrate a stray voltage test set, arsehole.
Because Adolf was a frustrated artsy type, of course. All those Nazi rallies were just the Burning Man of the 30s. 🙂
Real men don’t ask how internal combustion engines work. Real men hear that “Vrooom! Vroooooom!” and yell, “Watch this!” Then they ask not “How does it work?”, but “How do you fix it?”
Spiffy uniforms. Both sides need spiffy uniforms. I mean if you look like a hippy, then everyone will peg you instantly as a loser, or worse French. I mean its fun rooting for the Underdog, but Ewoks should lose. Cute little furry animals with sticks and stones vs body armor and state of the art weaponry. True, this was before ‘Black Hawk Down’, but still. Unfortunately, we definitely need to get a move on vis-a-vis North Korea or starvation will indeed get all the credit. Besides North Korea and China would never ally. That Kim Jong Il is ill, mental and would only nuke China if they tried to butt in (regardless of whose side they took). Besides you just know the only side the ChiComs will take is their own. The Hermit Kingdom is still around and he’s as crazy as he ever was.
The meaning of life? Often if a question proves problematical as stated you simply need to look at it from all sides (reformulate). So I’d recommend beginning by examining ‘What is the meaning of death?’ and going on from there.
PS:
There are no obstacle courses or trivia quizes to get into Heaven, Frank. St. Peter is only manning the Pearly Gates to insure their diversity quotas are met. 🙂 I have it on good authority that the Christian Heaven is looking for the following ‘Diversity Candidates’: Jews, Moslems, Buddhists and members of the Reformed Church of Satan. [“Are you now or have you ever been a minion of evil?”] Though they are still unfairly persecuting Bob Dobbs and the Church of the Sub-Genius. Dobbs keeps saying, “Don’t worry, we’ll subcontract Bechtel to build us one. Either that or we’ll get that Architect dude in ‘The Matrix Reloaded’ to help us out.”
Yes, spiffy uniforms are awsome. I would sell out to the empire SO fast… Rebels? pft… We have the Death Star…