Archive of posts tagged News

Vampire robots

Posted by on

TwilightRobertPattinsonWhen I first heard there were vampire robots, I thought, “Great, another Twilight movie.”

But, no, it’s a real thing. Some company called Veebot is building machines to suck your blood.

It’s for medical reasons, they say:

  • 20-25% of all venipuncture procedures fail to draw blood on the first stick.
  • Approximately 2 million needlestick injuries are reported every year. Meanwhile, 40-75% of needlestick injuries go unreported.
  • Mislabeled blood samples from venipuncture lead to about 170,000 adverse events in hospitals a year, ultimately costing hospitals $200-400 million annually.

The downside? Imagine what’ll happen if a robot gets a taste for blood.

The upside? They don’t sparkle.

Racist baby

Posted by on

Photo: Murrary Sanders

Photo: Murrary Sanders

Francis and Arlette Tshibangu had a baby recently. Not just any baby, but a white baby.

Now, you must wonder, what’s the big deal. There was a bunch of news coverage of anther white baby born in the U.K. recently, so why is the birth of another white baby news? Well, this one’s parents are black.

According to the Daily Mail — yes, that’s a real thing, not something The Beatles made up for a song — the black couple were surprised when Mrs. Tshinbangu gave birth to a white baby.

At least, Mr. Tshinbangu was surprised.

Doctors say the baby is a mutation. I’m sure that’s one explanation.

I’m not suggesting that Mrs. Tshinbangu was unfaithful to her husband, either. I’m thinking it may simply be that the baby is racist.

For years, some people have been operating as if only whites can be racist. Some go so far as to say that whites are born racist. Others have said that is racist in itself, and that people of any race can be racist. Which that first group says is racist.

Well, what if everyone is right? Any race can be racist, but only white people? This baby seems to prove it. He’s a born racist, is black, and because he’s a born racist, is white.

See? It all makes sense. Anything can be explained by Science!

Pizza-delivering robot killer whales

Posted by on

UnderwaterRobotMaybe they aren’t robot whales, but now they’re building underwater robots. I suppose robot subs would be accurate, but they are large mechanical things that travel under the sea. So, robot whales it is.

I mean, they are based on how fish sense their environment, according to the report I sorta read. And, they have to perform some tasks.

Demonstrating agility and control, the submarines will need to bump two buoys in response to colors emitted every few seconds. The vehicles will also need to show mastery of a speed trap and fire foam torpedoes through holes in a hexagonal wheel.
Finally, the submarines will also need to deliver a pizza: They must bring two mock pizza boxes (made from PVC pipe) to a specified location.

Yep. Robots that performs tasks underwater, fire torpedoes, and deliver pizza.

It’s not Robot Monkeys on the Moon, but it’s something.

But, I gotta ask: is pizza delivery the best use of robot killer whales? What would you have an underwater killer robot do?

Paper is racist

Posted by on

PinkWitchI read a story that said that some educator-type person said that white paper is racist. And, no, not the concept of a White Paper, a write-up on handling specific issues or problems, but actual paper. That’s white.

The stuff you put in photocopiers. The stuff that goes into your printer. The stuff that’s in a notebook. The stuff you write on. Actual white paper. Paper that is white in color.

And, no, I’m not making this up. Although, there’s no doubt in my mind that Anne O’Connor, who made the claim, is making it up.

The Telegraph reports what O’Connor is advocating:

Children should be provided with paper other than white to drawn on and paints and crayons should come in “the full range of flesh tones”, reflecting the diversity of the human race, according to the former teacher.

Finally, staff should be prepared to be economical with the truth when asked by pupils what their favourite colour is and, in the interests of good race relations, answer “black” or “brown”.

“Economical with the truth?” Didn’t that used to be called “lying?”

Anyway, the crazy O’Conner woman is trying to dress witches in pink (really) and give children green paper to draw on.

And that kinda sums it all up right there. I go to work every day to get green paper. She wants to use green paper for drawing. And she wants your green paper to pay for it.

What about my state?

Posted by on

JessieJacksonMugshotJesse Jackson wants to boycott Florida.

So, just how does that work?

“I’m a lying, trouble-making, race-baiting, shakedown artist, con man. I’m going to ask people who support me to boycott Florida.”

Does that mean Florida doesn’t have to deal with people who look up to lying, trouble-making, race-baiting, shakedown artist, con men?

Florida wins.

How can Georgia get in on this?

Maybe we can do like Florida. No, I don’t mean some black teen getting shot. I mean, sure, there are lots of black teens getting shot in every state, including Georgia. Only, it’s usually other blacks doing the shooting. And, while that in and of itself is a major problem, it doesn’t address the issue of how to keep Jesse Jackson and his ilk away.

What I mean by doing like Florida is do nothing special. I’m sure Jesse Jackson will get his panties in a wad over something and call on a boycott of Georgia eventually. I just want to know how to hurry that along.

Maybe he’ll notice our state flag.

What’s with the courts starting to make sense?

Posted by on

ConstitutionThe courts in the U.S. have long been known for making stuff up as they go along. Like the Right to Abortion that they insist is in the Constitution.

The courts are like the Pharisees of old. Remember how they somehow found that you could only walk so far on the Sabbath? Or could spit on a rock but not the ground? That came about by taking the Ten Commandments, making interpretations for certain circumstances, then expanding on those circumstances and elevating those new laws to the level of the original Commandments. They didn’t go back to the original Law and ask if something was in the letter or spirit of the original Law.

And that’s what our courts have been doing. But recently, there have been smatterings of common sense. And I’m not sure what to think about that.

Another court has ruled that the president has violated the Constitution with recess appointments. Recess appointments are allowed, but can only be done when the Senate is … get this … in recess.

That’s the third court to make such a ruling, and the Supreme Court gets the case in their next session.

A court making sense? My view of the world will never be the same.

The sun hates black people

Posted by on

20130716-cmeNASA says the sun has fired a shot at the earth. Since the sun is so far away, it’ll take a couple of days for the coronal mass ejection to reach the planet, and we don’t know for sure what damage it’ll do, if anything. Probably nothing more than screw up a satellite or two.

And that’s the problem. The NSA uses satellites as part of its tracking of Americans, and if the sun is screwing with that, it means the sun must hate Obama. And that makes the sun racist.

There could also be aurora when the charged particles hit the upper atmosphere. And who’ll see that? People way up north. Eskimos, Canadians, and other snow-dwellers. Not a lot of black people. So, the pretty lights in the sky? Not for blacks. Because the sun is racist.

That storm that flooded New Orleans a while back? You remember Hurricane Katrina, right? Well, you know what started that storm? Besides George Bush and Karl Rove? The sun. It heated up the water and then did some science stuff and then a Hurricane started and killed a bunch of black people. Because the sun is racist.

We need to take action against the sun and make it stop being racist. How do we do that?

Twitter.

Or maybe Facebook.

I think if we use social media to bring attention to the sun’s racism, we can make it stop being racist. Or at least get Obama to raise the sun tax so it isn’t able to afford to be racist.

Sometimes the simplest solutions are the best.

NBC News is now legal

Posted by on

Earlier this month, a new law went into effect that essentially neutralizes the Smith-Mundt Act of 1948 and Foreign Relations Authorization Act from 1987. What that means is that it’s no longer illegal for U.S. government propaganda to be broadcast in the United States.

Those earlier laws kept U.S. government broadcasts from internal consumption. Radio Free Europe, for instance, couldn’t be broadcast internally, just at and in other countries. But, it’s a lot bigger than beaming the Drifters’ “On Broadway” at people. It means that government-authored news can now be broadcast at Americans. Of course, NBC, CNN, CBS, and ABC have been official organs of the U.S. government since Obama took office.

People wanting to avoid news authored by the White House can no longer simply avoid NBC or the other channels.

What’s left? Well, Fox News. Maybe. I actually look for government propaganda to crack that nut soon.

No, the only bastion of truly reliable news, fake or otherwise, is here. You can always depend on us to keep you informed. Or at least, intelligently misinformed.

Guilty!

Posted by on

George ZimmermanGeorge Zimmerman is guilty!!1!! At least, that’s the word from the oh, so well-informed band of lefties that are still allowed to roam free.

And, to some degree, they’re right.

Zimmerman’s crimes? Having a “Z” on the wrong end of his last name.

You see, if his last name had been Lopez, Rodríguez, Gonzalez, or some other name in keeping with his mother’s Peruvian background, he wouldn’t have confused people into thinking he was white. And, for that, George Zimmerman must be held accountable.

Another of Zimmerman’s crimes? Being half-white. His father is white, you see. Having one white parent and one non-white parent gets you branded as white. Unless it’s your mother that’s white and your father is from Kenya. Zimmerman should have chosen his parents more carefully, and should be held accountable.

Another thing Zimmerman did wrong is not have a made-up first name. Like Trayvon. You see, having a name that extends back beyond 1966* means that he and his parents are racist. Or something. And, the fact that his parents named him after George W. Bush shows just how racist they are. And, for that, George M. (an upside-down “W”!!1!) Zimmerman must be held accountable.

But, George Zimmerman isn’t the only one to blame for things. The prosecution, for instance, tried to paint Zimmerman as a racist, but completely failed to mention that he’s a registered Democrat. Now, I don’t know about you, but most of the Democrats I know are racist.

Now, I know what some of your are thinking: Zimmerman’s politics shouldn’t be considered in determining his guilt. But, this trial was about much more than justice. It was about falling in line with a narrative, and the prosecution, bless their hearts, as hard as they tried, just did a poor job of accomplishing that. And, on account of it, an innocent man goes free.

There’s no justice in the world, I tell you.

Accidentally

Posted by on

It seems Costa Rica accidentally legalized gay marriage. Really. At least, that’s what some British newspaper is reporting:

This week, the Costa Rican Legislative Assembly voted for a change to its “Law of Young People”, which covers social services and marriage laws. It was only once the bill had passed did unwitting conservative lawmakers realise that their liberal counterparts had inserted language that could open the door to civil unions for gay couples.

Oopsy!

And you thought the U.S. was the only country with politicians stupid enough to pass laws without reading them.

Now, who’s got egg on their face?

Or something.

Free Michelle!

Posted by on

Credit: Washington Examiner, AP Photo/Carolyn Kaster

Credit: Washington Examiner, AP Photo/Carolyn Kaster


The First Lady says that it’s like she’s in prison. “A really nice prison,” Michelle Obama said.

I, for one, think it’s time we free Michelle Obama from prison. And, what’s holding her there? Barack Obama.

So, everyone of you that voted for Barack Obama? Yeah, you’re keeping Michelle Obama in prison. Why do you hate black women?

Free Michelle! Fire Barry!

Now I know why Grimm is set there

Posted by on

I don’t know if you’ve seen it, but there’s a TV show called Grimm that is set in Oregon.

The show’s alright. Little hard to follow at times with all the German critters and bogiemen running around. If you haven’t seen it, here’s the deal: All those fairy tales? They’re real. It goes on from there.

Anyway, I wondered why the show was set in Oregon. I kinda figured that the whole Twilight thing with all the gay vampires in the northwest U.S. was the inspiration. But now, I’m not so sure.

Turns out that in Wilsonville, Oregon, they’re gonna put up a memorial to 50,000 dead bumblebees.

No, I’m not making that up.

So, what are you doing this coming Sunday at 2:00 PM Left Coast Time? If you’re near Wilsonville, Oregon — that’s 25 miles south of the police station in Portland where Nick and his half-Hexenbiest captain work — you can watch a bunch of grown folks put up a monument to dead bumblebees.

I don’t know if you’ll see any Hexenbiest or Blutbaden or Fuchsbau there. But, I’m sure you’ll see a Blödmann or two.

UPDATE: Harvey has an update.

Load up the B-Ark

Posted by on

hhgttg_b-arkThere are three planets surrounding a star some 22 light-years away that might be habitable.

In Scorpio, right around the tip of the tail, there is a cluster of three stars. Now, it looks to the naked eye like a very faint star, but it’s really three stars. Stars are sneaky that way, so be careful.

Anyway, those three stars are called Gliese 667. We call them that. I don’t know what the people there call them. Probably “Star” if they speak English. Or “Bright Sky Thingy.” Around Gliese 667C, the smallest star of that group, are five planets that we know of. And — here’s the kicker — three those planets may be habitable.

Why is that important? Well, our Earth has is threatened by coal, and those doggone conservatives are determined to destroy the Earth with it.

Now, as a conservative, I want to apologize for our vile evil plans to destroy the planet with coal and Bible-thumping and gun-clinging and all those dangerous things we conservatives do. And, every since Bush used Karl Rove’s time machine to go back in time and start Global Warming all those centuries ago, the Earth has been doomed.

So, how do we make it right? Well, there are three planets around Gliese 667C that could support life. And, I say we let the liberals have them. All three of them.

NASA is just sitting around, outreaching to the Moslems, and not doing space stuff anymore, but there’s no reason they couldn’t built three big arks to hold the best of the human race. Let’s load up the B-Ark with Barack Obama (we even call it the “B” Ark, after “Barack”) and all his supporters (it’ll be a really big Ark) and send them off to Gliese 667C. They’ll pick the best of the three planets and settle there, then, once they’re settled in, having set up a super awesome socialist planetary government like they all want, we’ll send off the other two Arks.

I’ll stay here amongst the coal and the thumped Bibles and the clung-to guns and just be miserable. I deserve it.

Liberals cheer victory for States Rights

Posted by on

ConstitutionThe Supreme Court of the United State struck down the part of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) that called for the federal government to deny benefits to same-sex couples married in states that recognize same-sex marriage. In other words: States Rights.

Now, the SCOTUS ruling is being cheered by the left. I’m not seeing a lot of news reports about cheering from the right. I’m not sure why that is. Maybe no one in the media is asking conservatives what they think about it. Or, maybe they’re just asking conservatives who don’t understand what the ruling means.

Now, the four conservatives on the Court were in the minority in the Supreme Court’s 5-4 ruling. Associate Justice Antonin Scalia, in his dissent, argued that the case in question was not a question for the Supreme Court.

So, what we now have is the four liberals and the squish on the Supreme Court issuing a ruling that effectively says the states, not the federal government, define what marriage is. And we have a bunch of liberals cheering it.

We have a lot of Democrats that voted for the Defense of Marriage Act cheering its gutting.

I’m wondering: what other conservative causes can we get the liberals to embrace?