Monday Staff Meeting: Harvey’s Vacation


IMAO Headquarters


Thank you all for calling in. We’ll get right to it. Frank?


What?


You called a meeting.


Why?


Um, well, Harvey is on vacation through Labor Day. And you wanted to meet with the staff about coverage.


Right. Yeah, we need to meet about coverage. I’m free after Labor Day. We can get together then.


Okay, sure. I’ll schedule something.


I got a question. How did you get my number?


Are we done?


No, we’re not done. We want to find out what everyone plans to write about while Harvey’s out. And, since you have the floor, we’ll start with you.


The floor? I just mopped the floor in the hall. Did somebody spill something on the carpet again?


No, we need to know what you’re going to write about while Harvey’s on vacation.


Uhhhh…


You all got a memo last week. And no one posted anything this morning. So we need to know what you have in mind.


I went to Walt Disney World. I got pictures from Animal Kingdom. I’ll show those.


I don’t think that’s …


Here’s some elephants beside a watering hole.


Wow! That elephant is really close!


That looks like his finger in front of the lens.


Here’s a herd of black rhinos.


You mean like Michael Steele?


They look kinda pink.


That’s his finger.


Here’s a lion standing next to a lioness.


Was it an earthquake?


The camera is crooked. And the lions are almost entirely out of frame. Look, don’t show a bunch of vacation photos. Our readers expect better.


Have they ever read us?


Alright. Everybody go write something. We can’t have an empty blog today.


Harvey wrote something this morning.


Yes, he’s on vacation, but he checked in. He saw nobody had posted anything, so he put something up. Harvey needs to be able to enjoy his time off that he’s earned, and if each of you would just help out a little, that would make things easier for everyone.


I just spilled my coffee. Basil!


I’ll be right there.


Will you people get to work now?

Issues


IMAO Headquarters, 9:15 AM


Hi, who’s calling in.


Hi. It’s Basil calling in for the outage service call.


Hi, it’s Frank calling in, too. So, why is the Website down?


Um…


I pay you clowns to keep the Website running while I’m focused on Towerfall … um, focused on other work.


Yeah, I’ve emailed Harvey about it already since he’s the only one that actually does anything.


Then what am I paying you for?


Um. I keep the snack machine stocked.


From the looks of you, only half the snacks actually make it into the machine.


Excuse me, Mr. Fleming? I’ve contacted the hosting company. They said something about bots and Amazon and the Russians.


Told you I didn’t break it.


So, how long were we down?


Around 14-15 hours. Everything that was scheduled to post now has. The database is clean. But I’m still getting phone calls from readers. And this one guy who wants you to extend your car’s warranty.


Tell the readers we’re back up. Everything’s back to normal. And send calls from that warranty guy to Basil’s extension.


Oh! Thank you! It’s lonely in the supply closet.


Now everybody get to work! I need to find my Xbox controller.


Thanks, boss.
ring
Thank you for calling IMAO World Headquarters. How may I direct your call?

Wednesday Staff Meeting


IMAO Headquarters, 9:00 AM


Phil?


Yes, Mr. Fleming.


Where is everyone?


Uh, they’re, um, they’re all at work. At their desks.


Don’t give me that. I’m Skyping in at 8:00 and you’re the only one at work.


Usually, Harvey’s here and does the meetings in the break room. It’s normal for me to be here alone, so I haven’t given it another thought.


Hey, I just stopped in to get a doughnut. What’s up?


Basil! I’ve been reading what you posted. Why are we suddenly the public relations team for Mystery Science Theater 3000?


I can do some Doctor Who posts. It returns this weekend.


Go write something. And quit drawing on the walls.


Sure thing. There are no doughnuts here anyway. See ya later!


I’ll be glad when Harvey gets back.


You, me, and all the readers, boss.

Monday Staff Meeting


IMAO Headquarters, 9:15 AM


Where is everyone?


Sorry I’m late. Where are the doughnuts?


Basil, it’s 9:15. Where have you been?


Um…


You don’t have anything to say for yourself?


Um, where’s the doughnuts?


Any why do you look like that? You have time to do silly cartoons but don’t have time to write an actual post for this blog?


Hey, what can I say. You look up “competent” or “dependable” in the dictionary, you won’t find my picture next to either one. Besides, I’ve been watching old episodes of MST3K.


So, there’s all kind of things going on in the world, Harvey’s out, and you’re focused on some TV show?


Oh! You get me!


Get out of here and get to work!


Maybe something will get posted now.

Promises


You wanted to see me?


Sit down!


Is something wrong?


“Is something wrong?” Yes something’s wrong. I’m running against Donald Trump — DONALD F#@%$#% TRUMP — and the polls are tightening and it looks like I might not win this thing! Doesn’t that sound like something’s wrong to you?!


I’m not sure why you’re angry with me about this…


You’re not sure why I’m angry with you? Listen, moron. You told me you had a sure-fire way of guaranteeing my coronation, election, and if the trend keeps up, instead of celebrating a victory, I’ll be at Epstein’s place trying to forget this whole fiasco. And I’ll make sure you’re there, too, but not as a guest. You get me?


Yes, ma’am.


What?!?


Yes, Your Highness.


That’s better. Now you get that piece of $#@% on the phone and get this fixed. And you tell that #$%@&%-$#%&@% that I’ll Vince Foster him so fast he won’t know what hit him.


Hello, Nick?


John! Lovely to hear from you again.


Look, Z, we got a problem.


There are no problems, only opportunities.


Hillary’s pissed.


Not at me. I’ve done my part.


She’s not running away with this thing. It’s close. She might lose.


Well, now, with everything I’ve done, if she’s not winning, it’s her own fault.


Look, Z, I need you to step up.


You can count on it. Don’t worry. I got this.


I’ll tell her. And I appreciate that. See you at dinner?


Sounds lovely. Bye bye, now.


It’s under control.


It damn sure better be.

… Meanwhile …


Hello? Yes, I wanted to renew my offer. I can guarantee you …


Save it. I don’t need your help.

I M Verizon

VW-IAmWeasel
Based on a true story

Columbus, Georgia
January 3, 2012

IMWeasel2
Welcome to Verizon! How may I screw, uh, serve you today?

Basil
I’m looking to upgrade my phone.

IMWeasel2
Let’s see how long it’s been… Oh, you’ve reached the 20-month date for an upgrade. So, you can get the discounted price. Was there a particular phone you were looking at? Another Droid, perhaps?

Basil
Actually, I was looking at one of these iPhones.

VW-IMWeasel3
That’s a good phone. And, it’s only $199 on a two-year contract.

Basil
So, the contract will run to 2014? And if I want to upgrade again?

VW-IMWeasel3
In 20 months.

Basil
I’ll take it.

April 12, 2013

IBRedGuy
"Dear Valued Verizon Wireless Customer:

We at Verizon are changing our renewal terms. We don't care that the terms were 20-months when you signed the contract. We're changing the terms on our side before the contract ends. You still have to honor your end, though. Or we'll, like, take you to court, screw up your credit report, and anything else we can think of.

Please understand, Valued, that we're doing this to serve you better. Or something."

Columbus, Georgia
September 13, 2013

IMWeasel2
Welcome to Verizon! How may I screw, uh, serve you today?

Basil
I’m looking to upgrade my phone. I want to pre-order one of the new ones, the iPhone 5c.

VW-IMWeasel3
Certainly. That’ll be $549. Plus tax.

Basil
What about the 20-month upgrade?

IMWeasel2
Didn’t you get our letter earlier this year? We changed the terms.

Basil
So, you mean, I signed the contract when your policy was to upgrade at 20 months, which was earlier this month? And you decided to change your side of the contract, but hold me to mine?

IMWeasel2
Yes, sir. That’s what the email said.

Basil
Tell you what. Keep your damn phone.

Columbus, Georgia
January 3, 2014

ATT-IAmWeasel
Welcome to AT&T. How may I screw, uh, serve you today?

Justified


On this lonely road, trying to make it home
Doing it by my lonesome — pissed off, who wants some
I’m fighting for my soul, God get at your boy
You try to bogart — fall back, I go hard
On this lonely road, trying to make it home
Doing it by my lonesome — pissed off, who wants some
I see them long hard times to come…


Raylan, I need you to pack your bags. You’re going to Detroit.

Continue reading ‘Justified’ »

Messin’ wit’ french fried potaters


Mmmmgh. I wuz readin’ th’ newspaper th’ oth’r day. Well, I wuz sorta readin’ it. I know some o’ th’ words. Some o’ them words I didn’t know.


Anyways, it wuz sayin’ that that Obamer lady has gone an’ made some rest’rants stop sellin’ french fried potaters. She ought not t’ do that.


I likes french fried potaters. ‘Course it’s only rest’rants like yer Olive Garden and yer Red Lobster that’s stoppin’ th’ french fried potaters. That’s what th’ Atlanta paper says, anyway.


It sez that th’ kids can get french fried potaters if their momma or their daddy sez they can. I thought it wuz a joke when I heard about it. But it’s not like any other joke I heard. Like the one about them two fellers standin’ on th’ bridge, goin’ to th’ bathroom. Mmmgh. That’n I got. Didn’t get the joke about the food, though. So I’m thinkin’ it’s not a joke.


Besides, folks treat me like a kid sometimes, an’ I’m thinkin’ that th’ waitress ladies won’t let me get ’em without my momma or my daddy sayin’ it’s okay. My momma’s dead. I kilt her. My daddy’s still livin’ but I don’t cotton to him to much. So I’m on my own ever since I got out th’ nervous hospital.


Anyways, if’n the Olive Lobster stores don’t let me get french fried potaters, I’m like to get right upset about it. I don’t think they’d care much for me if’n that happened.

Economic advice


What can we do for you, Mr. President?


Poll numbers are down, unemployment’s up, and it looks like I’m going to have to go back to Chicago after next year.


You need to give a speech!


Speech! Give a speech!


Hey, that’s a great idea! I haven’t given a speech in — gosh — it seems like days.

Continue reading ‘Economic advice’ »