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August 31, 2002
Link of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 11:15 PM | Email This

Bill Quick takes some woman named Cheryl Davis to task. Poor Cheryl Davis.

Rating: 1.8/5 (21 votes cast)

Achtung! Execution is Verboten!
Posted by Frank J. at 11:13 PM | Email This

I'm not a big history buff; when did the Germans turn against killing people? Germany says it's going to withhold evidence about Zacarias Moussaoui unless the U.S. assures them that it won't be used to secure a death penalty against him. Sure, no Europeans will take a stand against evil dictatorships who are planning to kill innocent people, but they'll stand strong against a friendly nation to keep a murderer from being executed. With moral compasses so screwy in Europe, maybe we should keep a sharper eye on them. Also, we should make it clear to them that America will kill who it wants, when it wants, and for whatever reason it wants, and no one can stop us!

Rating: 2.5/5 (26 votes cast)

August 30, 2002
Link of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 05:41 PM | Email This

I like Laurence Simon's take on the thwarted baseball strike. Personally, I would have been more interested in baseball if they did strike; that's more free entertainment.

Rating: 2.1/5 (23 votes cast)

Smarter Questions for Dumber Terrorists
Posted by Frank J. at 05:38 PM | Email This

Air travelers will no longer be asked, "Has anyone unknown to you asked you to carry an item on this flight?'' and "Have any of the items you are traveling with been out of your immediate control since the time you packed them?" despite the one in 500 quintillion chance that they might trip up a terrorist plot. Instead of getting rid of the questions altogether, maybe they should just try being smarter about them. Like, as the ticket agent weighs the luggage, he could just casually ask, "So, what kind of detonator did you put on your bomb?"

"It's an altitude sensitive... I mean... I don't what you're talking about!"

"Aha! Security, take him away and beat him!"

Rating: 2.2/5 (23 votes cast)

| Best of IMAO 2002
The Sound of Silencers
Posted by Frank J. at 12:53 PM | Email This

One of the first things I learned when I started using firearms was that Dirty Harry, unless he put in ear protection before each gun fight, would have been deaf by the end of the first sequel. Guns are loud; even a .22 handgun fired out doors will pop you ears. Up north of me in Cocoa, Florida, they used space age technology to make a shooting range quieter, but why go to such extremes? We already have something that makes gun's quieter: silencers.

Silencers have such a bad connotation into today's society, so much so that even more states ban them than ban fully automatics. When someone hears silencer, they think "evil assassin" (or, I guess by today's lingo, "evil regime-changer"), but it's just a logical thing to make guns quieter. Is there really a compelling reason that my neighbors have to get woken up every single I time I shoot an intruder? And no one gets angry at car manufacturers for making engines quieter even though I could easily stealthily kill someone with my Hyundai. Plus, if the idea is to keep people from using silencers for evil, then isn't it a good idea not to make those people angry by forcing them to pay a $200 Class III weapons transfer fee? It's just common sense.

Rating: 2.2/5 (34 votes cast)

Comments (78) | Best of IMAO 2002
We Got You, Sucka!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:31 PM | Email This

A new discovery supposedly reveals that it was an American sailor, not a Japanese pilot, who fired the first shot in the sneak attack on Pearl Harbor. Yeah, that's right, they think they surprised us, but we got their asses! I don't want enemies of the Unites States thinking they can sneak attack us without losing a midget sub.

Who fired the last shot of the Pacific War is of less dispute.

Rating: 1.9/5 (22 votes cast)

August 29, 2002
Link of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 10:07 PM | Email This

I just really got into blogging recently, and I didn't realize there was so much stuff worth reading out there. Still, I noticed I don't link that often to other people's blogs. To remedy that, I'm now going to try and pick a post from a blog each day as my link of the day. Instapundit is disqualified because everyone reads him anyway.

Today, John Hawkins's interview with Daniel Pipes was big news, but everyone already linked to that. Also, there is a big debate at DailyPundit on Bill Quick's decision to start posting at a the pay only Blogging Network. But, from the looks of the comments section, everyone has already read about that. Personally, I'm too new to blogging to have an opinion, but I myself am not a professional writer (like that isn't obvious) and am thrilled just to be read by anyone at all. I will mention that I have crossed the line and paid for internet content at ign.com (I like me videogames); I liked the idea of having special access to things other people can't read. I don't think I can go on and keep paying for tons of different individual sites, though, so if lots of places go pay, I hope I can suscribe to a suite of sites just like you get a bunch of channels with your cable TV subscription. Oh, I guess I do have an opinion.

Oh, yeah, link of the day. The link of the day is Joanne Jacobs's post about blogging for money and her ambivalence about the Blogging Network. It's a bit of a downer to people hoping to blog for cash, but it's definitely worth a read.

Rating: 2.2/5 (23 votes cast)

Legal Question
Posted by Frank J. at 06:54 PM | Email This

Let's say you're a supervillian, and you hatch some plot to block out the sun from the entire world - say by causing a nuclear winter using stolen nukes - is it then impossible to prosecute that supervillian? Blocking out the sun would affect everyone in the world, so everyone would have to excuse themselves from being a juror or a judge since everyone was personally affected by the crime. So have I found a "supervillian loophole" to our legal system that we need to correct?

Rating: 2.3/5 (32 votes cast)

Comments (1) | Best of IMAO 2002
Why Other Countries Hate Us = Why Other Countries Suck so Much
Posted by Frank J. at 08:36 AM | Email This

The State Department is going to have a two day conference on the roots of anti-Americanism. My question is: why do we care? We're the United States of America, the most powerful entity on earth; why do we care of the opinions of a few other measly nations? Of course they hate us; we make them all seem insignificant and powerless in comparison. And I say let them hate us as they eat food given to them by American foreign aid and live in cities protected by our military interventions; we're plenty big enough to take the hate. All we have to do is scare the piss out of them all to make sure they have the sense not to act on that hate.

Rating: 1.9/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (37)
Video Format Discrimination
Posted by Frank J. at 08:15 AM | Email This

Betamax is about to die, though I had no clue it was still living on. Back when I was a kid, my parents bought their first VCR and unfortunately chose Beta. I remember going to the video store and having to pick out a video from the smaller, segregated section of the store. For once, I understood what it was like to be an oppressed minority with seperate but unequal treatment. It was a hard and trying time until my parents finally got VHS, but, I survived, and I believe it made me the man I am today.

Rating: 1.9/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (2)
August 28, 2002
If You Want to Get Things Moving, Kill Someone
Posted by Frank J. at 08:41 AM | Email This

Bush met with Saudi Prince Bandar bin Sultan, but it doesn't sound like anything substantial was talked about. The Saudi's hold American women hostage in their country, won't let the U.S. use their soil for an attack on Iraq, and it looks like they paid off al Qaeda, so why won't we confront these mo'fo's? I'm not saying anything drastic; just a kill a few Saudi princes. Maybe fifty of them. They have like a jillion, so it won't be that big a deal, but it will let them know we're serious now.

Rating: 1.8/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (9)
All Countries Not Named America Should Just Shut Up
Posted by Frank J. at 08:13 AM | Email This

Other countries don't seem to like the fact that Bush didn't attend the Johannesburg summit on whiny environmental crap. Some of the delegates have started wearing buttons that read, "What should we do with the United States?" The arrogance! To think that these puny countries actual believe they can affect a country as immense and as powerful as the United States! Do those in attendance understand how easily we could wipe out most countries? Yet we harldy ever nuke anyone, because we we're just that kind and benevolent. All other countries should be greatful that we let them have these little U.N. dog and pony shows and pretend they have a say in anything, when, in reality, the environment will stay around just as long as it entertains us. If we grow bored of it one day, the rainforests will go up in a mushroom cloud and no one can stop us.

Rating: 1.6/5 (21 votes cast)

August 27, 2002
I Share Saddam's Wishful Thinking
Posted by Frank J. at 08:24 PM | Email This

Saddam Huessein, in reaction to Cheney speech urging a preemptive strike against Iraq, has said that, "American threats target not only Iraq, but the whole Arab nation as well." I only wish he were speaking the truth. No offense to any Arabs, but that place need a lot of cleaning up after we plow through Iraq. Once Saddam's skull has a "regime change" into an ashtray, there will still be a lot of other nations out there that's going to be a threat to everyone until they're democratized. And, if we have to put guns to people's heads to get them to vote in a free elecion, so be it. Saddam's words do anger me though, because he shouldn't be saying stuff like that; he should be dead. Why is he still alive! Why! We don't need a permission slip signed by the French; just kill the bastard! Everytime he walks by a window and isn't sniped, baby Jesus cries.

Rating: 2.2/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Hopes for Peace
Posted by Frank J. at 08:30 AM | Email This

The Palestinians seem to be in a never ending war with any feelings of sympathy I may have for them. Yeah, things have to be tough living under Arafat, but when I see Palestinians cheering when Israeli kids are mudered (hell they seem to cheer when anyone is murdered) and dressing up their children in phony bombs in hopes they'll one day blow themselves up and many others, it takes a lot of effort to think of them as fellow human beings. And I'm a lazy man. Still, I hold out some hopes that there are enough good Palestinians out there that peace can happen without razing all their homes and sowing salt in the earth. A Reuters story, though entitled "POLL-Palestinians oppose ending suicide attacks," gives me some hope. If the numbers are to be believed, 53% of Palestinians are for the suicide bombings, but 44% want to halt them. That's not a small number of people showing rational thought there. That means to achieve peace maybe only 53% of Palestinians need to be wiped out (plus or minus three percent) and then... I dunno... those 3% undecided pistol whipped.

Rating: 2.2/5 (24 votes cast)

All Dogs Go to Heaven and Get 70 Virgins
Posted by Frank J. at 07:27 AM | Email This

As we know from airport security, terrorists are even distributed among toddlers to eighty-year-old grandmothers and thus you have to be vigilant of them all, but the U.S. Open has expanded the search to dogs as well. Bomb sniffing dogs at the stadium were forced to wear photo ID's even though their officer escort also has to wear one. Apparently, terrorists dogs such as Omar Sparky and Mohammed Fluffy have been trying to sneak into the U.S. Open to "plant a bomb," so to speak. If you see any suspicious dogs in your neighborhood, immediately alert the FBI.

UPDATE: I just received this statement from the National Association of Canine Americans:

"We vehemently condemn all pooping indoors, but humans have to realize that their policies of leaving dogs inside alone for hours and not supplying sufficient chew toys often makes dogs feel they have no choice but to 'leave a surprise.'"
-Fido, President of the National Association of Canine Americans

Rating: 2.4/5 (27 votes cast)

| Best of IMAO 2002
August 26, 2002
Angry American, Whiny Englishman
Posted by Frank J. at 11:53 AM | Email This

John Sutherland in his column in the Guardian today writes about his worries over the popular Toby Keith song that refers to "kicking the ass" of those who attack America, saying that angry Americans are ugly Americans. Oh, the poo' wittle Englishmun, all worried that America in its blinding rage may knock over his table of tea and crumpets! To think, that after being attacked, we are angry at our attackers! Why that's almost like how rational human beings would react! We're unbelievable!

Rating: 2.3/5 (29 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Best of IMAO 2002
Of Monkeys and Politics
Posted by Frank J. at 09:40 AM | Email This

If someone had a new drug that they thought could cure cancer, should they just start injecting it into people to see if it works? And Iím not talking about people agreeing to be tested on, but forcefully giving the drug to people even if they didnít want it. Of course everyone would react in horror to something like that, but thatís exactly what politics are like. Someone comes up with some asinine new idea that no one has any clue whether it will work, and then they get it passed into law and inflicted on the masses. So why canít we do the same thing we would do with the cancer drug and test political and economic theories on monkeys first?

As far as I know (or care to know) the only use of monkeys is to test things on them. Some people may say, ďHey. Thatís cruel!Ē and my response to that is, ďI donít like monkeys.Ē But, personal feelings aside, they are the most intelligent animal other than man, which is why this idea can work. They also arenít too far removed from people in the political area: theyíre apathetic to current events just like the nationís youths, they jump around and screech a lot just like liberals, and they donít bathe very often just like Frenchmen. To get the project started, first a decent size island must be obtained, either purchased or taken by forced Ė someone else can figure that out Ė and then we need to get a bunch of monkeys from wherever it is people usually get monkeys Ė again, not my department. Then you have your island full of subjects to test out political ideas on. Have some monkeys control the monkey economy and then let each of the monkeys make their own decisions with their monkey money and see what works better. Donít let any of the monkeys have guns, lets only the leader monkeys have guns, and then give all the monkeys guns and see what happens (observations should be done remotely). Of course, if through research we stumble upon the perfect socio-economic model, the monkeys may become too powerful to control and we could be on our way to the planet of the apes. Thatís why the island should also be laden with explosives for a last ditch measure.

If you like my idea, send me millions of dollars and I'll get started on it. I'm going to work on the explosives part first.

Rating: 1.9/5 (31 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Best of IMAO 2002
Saddam Hussein May Be a Murderer!
Posted by Frank J. at 08:40 AM | Email This

Abu Nidal, who was found dead with multiple gun shot wounds in Baghdad, may noy have committed suicide as most logical people would have thought, but instead may be the victim of murder most foul! And the alleged culprit? Saddam Hussein! If it's found out he's really a murderer, someone has to do something about that man!

Rating: 2.4/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (1)
Strangers on the Web
Posted by Frank J. at 07:27 AM | Email This

Spoons is getting married to someone he met through the help of Instapundit. I just hope there are plenty of other sexy females left out there in the Blogosphere.

Rating: 2.2/5 (19 votes cast)

August 25, 2002
Some People Shouldn't Have Guns
Posted by Frank J. at 04:59 PM | Email This

The British have banned handguns from the citizenry, but maybe Britain would be safer if they took the guns away from the royal guards. They've had a number of screw-ups in the past couple years with their firearms involving accidental discharges and, just recently, losing the keys to their gun lock up so they couldn't access them when they were needed (recent crime statistics show that criminals in Britain have not had quite so much trouble accessing their firearms). Many gun rights advocates (like myself) criticize the harsh gun laws in Europe, but now I'm beginning to think there is reason to be cautious about arming everyone there. As these goof ups and Europeans' reaction to the war on terror have illustrated, quite a lot of people in Europe are idiots.

Rating: 2.2/5 (22 votes cast)

Is This How They'll Run a Palestinian State?
Posted by Frank J. at 04:34 PM | Email This

The son of the woman recently killed for allegedly being an Israeli collaborator says he was tortured into making up a story of his mother's involvement with a militants's death. So how again is it going to bring peace to give the Palestinians a state when the place is run by evil murderers? I don't know how someone can blame a travesty like this on the Israelis, but I'm sure there's someone in is Europe smart enough to figure out that conundrum.

Rating: 2.5/5 (23 votes cast)

If She Really Is a No Talent Hack, How Come I Read Her?
Posted by Frank J. at 01:19 PM | Email This

Maureen Dowd has a new column out today and I thought I'd try my hand at bashing it like everyone else, but instead I've decided to take the road less traveled and defend her writing. I got confused early on in the editorial, though, when she made reference to how Reagan could not walk. If that's some sort of symbolic dig at him, I don't get it. Anyway, I gathered that the main point of her column is that Bush is more focused on jogging than doing anything substantial which is decent enough (though her column is the most I've ever heard of Bush jogging). The point is not the point she makes, though, it's the technical accomplishment of it. Dowd spends most of the column taking a very negative tone towards Bush and making many of her opinion of him quite clear while barely every making an actual argument on any issue. Hell, there's probably two sentences worth of argument in that whole column, and yet, there is a whole column! If I had her efficiency at using resources, I could write whole books using just the political arguments I come up with in one hour. Naysayers may claim that anyone could write like that, but I would then challenge them to match Dowd's tone for an entire column. Maybe someone could do it for a few sentences, but not for a whole editorial? I doubt it. And, until you can, I'd say cut Maureen Dowd some slack.

On another note, there was some poetry in her column: "At the risk of sounding feline, I must say that 'bovine' leaves me supine and is not fit for 'Nightline,' much less 'Frontline.'" That gave me a chuckle, though I have no clue what it means.

Rating: 1.8/5 (22 votes cast)

Realism in Computer Games
Posted by Frank J. at 11:38 AM | Email This

Laurence Simon has analyzed the painstaking detail the U.S. Army put into the different scenarios in the computer game America's Army. He got the idea for the post from reading one of mine, which, by the unwritten rules of the IMAO website, means the idea is my idea. Thus, if you like the post, remember to come back and praise me for it.

Rating: 2.0/5 (21 votes cast)

August 24, 2002
All the Good Ideas Are Already Taken
Posted by Frank J. at 08:28 PM | Email This

I thought I was being original when I suggested to nuke the moon, but, it ends up upon further research that this was something considered way back in 1950's. Unfortunately, they wussed out and thus we suffered the Cold War.

Rating: 2.0/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (2)
If Security is Their First Priority, I Don't Even Want to Know How Their Second Priority Turned Out
Posted by Frank J. at 08:17 PM | Email This

Another day, another security hole found in a Microsoft product. I'd switch my computer to linux, but I'm a lazy, lazy man. I wonder what the chances are that Microsoft's Palladium isn't going to be a complete disaster. When it comes out and companies start switching to it, I'm going to start stocking up just like I did for Y2K.

Rating: 2.1/5 (22 votes cast)

Killing Terrorists is Fun and Educational
Posted by Frank J. at 11:59 AM | Email This

The U.S. Army has released their computer game America's Army and it's causing controversy. As I once mentioned before, I think it's really cool that I'm finally getting something useful for my tax money, but people are worried it might also be a bad influence. "Very, very impressionable" younger kids may be led into thinking... actually there is no elaboration of what they worry the kids may be impressioned into. Are people worried they may learn that violence in the defense of freedom is okay? I knew that when I was four, and back then videogames weren't realistic at all since pixels were as big as my fist. The Nation, which is also against anything that is fun and cool, has a special report (I think you need to have gone to the "special" classes at school to write a special report) on how the game is going to convince people that "war is fun" (who hasn't already learned that from movies?) and trick them into joining the military. Exactly what's wrong with that, they don't say (or I missed reading it; I have a very short attention span).

I think this is cause for an IMAO special investigative report. I have just downloaded America's Army and will play it to see if it convinces me to leave my cushy job and join the Army. I will also soon investigate Super Mario Sunshine to see if it does the same.

Rating: 2.0/5 (20 votes cast)

August 23, 2002
I'm Still New to Blogging
Posted by Frank J. at 11:04 PM | Email This

I was just reading the latest issue of National Review On Dead Tree, and the parody of an O'Reilly interview in the The Long View is hilarious. So how do you link to things that are only in print but not on the web? Or is it verboten for a blog to speak of something that is not on the web?

Rating: 2.5/5 (20 votes cast)

Kitty Kitty Bang Bang
Posted by Frank J. at 10:25 PM | Email This

In case you were wondering if you can kill cats with a shotgun and not be convicted under animal cruelty laws in Maryland, the answer is yes.

Note: The official policy of the IMAO website is to oppose animal cruelty. This policy may change at anytime without notice.

Rating: 2.5/5 (34 votes cast)

| Best of IMAO 2002
Will We Ever Have Another Worthy Rival?
Posted by Frank J. at 05:23 PM | Email This

I was reading this article about Putin meeting with the North Korean leader Kim Jong Il (is he not the funniest looking dictator ever?) and started thinking of the good old day, the 80's. The Soviet Union was the last country that actually dared to stand against America. For the longest time, we had a worthy rival, but, the Soviet Union collapsed when Reagan started being mean to them and now Russia is just a pathetic, quasi-European country that wants aid and everyone to like it. America no longer has any rival really worth fearing; instead, we have a bunch of terrorist retards who only through mass delusion think they can take us on and a bunch of other silly little dictators (some of them scared of planes) yearning for the old days when they were feared and didn't even need to stage phony-election to impress the U.N. Hell, if the whole rest of the world tried to take us on at once, I doubt the war would last a week before they all surrendered (France would probably lead the way on that initiative). Has America really defeated so much evil in the world that it's just clean up now? I just hope a comet heads for us or something, because it was so much easier to appreciate the good 'ole U.S. when one actually thought it could be destroyed.

Rating: 2.0/5 (24 votes cast)

Posted by Frank J. at 04:14 PM | Email This

The spell check that comes with Blogger Pro does not have blog or blogging in it. It also doesn't have Casull.

Rating: 2.0/5 (22 votes cast)

Theological Question
Posted by Frank J. at 04:10 PM | Email This

Now that I have comments, I have a question for viewers of the site: what kind of gun do you think God carries? I used to think in my younger years that he would have some fancy high-tech semi-automatic, but, as I've grown older, I've moved more the opinion that he would carry a six shot revolver, probably a high caliber like a .44 magnum or .454 Casull. My thinking is it would have a chrome finish but not have a bunch of fancy extras (like the revolver in XXX; man, that gun kicked ass!). I tried to consult the Bible on this issue, but it barely ever references firearms in it.

Rating: 1.7/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Blog TV
Posted by Frank J. at 03:49 PM | Email This

Blogging is like the coolest thing on the internet now (at least according to people with blogs), but I missed out coming up with the idea. So, instead, I will just apply the idea to new mediums. First I'm going to try and figure how to fit blogging into television broadcast. Maybe it would be a channel with Glenn Reynolds sitting in front of the camera all day and occasionally saying something. Or maybe instead it would be a tv show that keeps telling you to watch other tv shows. Well whatever it is, when I finish the idea I need someone to send me millions of dollars.

Rating: 2.2/5 (30 votes cast)

| Best of IMAO 2002
August 22, 2002
Posted by Frank J. at 10:26 PM | Email This

I have now added comments to my blog. Please do not comment on this post, though.

Rating: 1.9/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (2)
There Are Still Some Standards
Posted by Frank J. at 08:20 PM | Email This

In case one day you suddenly wondered if you can orchestrate a sex act in St. Patrick's Cathedral, broadcast the results, and then still keep your jobs as a radio show host, the answer is no.

The slippery slope back towards Puritanism has begun.

Rating: 2.1/5 (27 votes cast)

| Best of IMAO 2002
Canadians Must Be For Slavery
Posted by Frank J. at 08:01 PM | Email This

Canadian gun registration laws are going to ruin a civil war reenactment that's to take place near Toronto. Canada (our local Europe) would have forced the visiting Americans to pay a fee and register their muskets. Of course, the Americans were like, "Funk that!" and have decided not to attend rather than pay for their God-given right. In reality, though, hundreds of Americans with muskets could easily reenact whatever they want wherever they want in Canada.

Rating: 2.3/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (1) | Best of IMAO 2002
Best Image Ever
Posted by Frank J. at 07:10 PM | Email This

John Hawkins has found a .jpg of one of the funniest images from the last season of the Simpsons. It was on a t-shirt Homer wore to Brazil ("How could you tell I'm an American?") and should be the standard attire for all Americans going abroad.

Rating: 1.8/5 (19 votes cast)

Was the Word "Snarky" Invented Just to Describe Her?
Posted by Frank J. at 04:55 PM | Email This

Josh Chafetz at OxBlog has thoroughly ripped apart Maureen Dowd's latest column, so much though that I almost feel sorry for her. Almost. I once tried reading one of her columns and that instantly removed all sympathy. Dowd bashing has become a conservative pastime; she's like the Carrot-Top of the right-wing. So in answer to Chafetz's question of why she hasn't been fired, I bet it's because she's gained a huge readership who can't wait to read her next column to see how horrible it is. It's so bad it's entertaining, like Plan Nine from Outerspace, Roadhouse, or about anything written in The Nation.

Rating: 2.0/5 (26 votes cast)

There Wouldn't be Forest Fires If We Didn't Have Forests
Posted by Frank J. at 12:11 PM | Email This

Bush wants to ease logging restrictions to stop wildfires. Just a couple days ago I was talking about the dangers of trees and I forgot all about their tendency to burn and kill people. Trees are the only living creature other than man that uses fire, and they always use it for evil. Why do I seem to be the only person noticing this and condemning trees? Sure, they're nice when they're tamed by by being turned into coffee tables and rifle butts, but, in the wild, them things are dangerous.

Rating: 1.8/5 (28 votes cast)

Comments (1) | Best of IMAO 2002
August 21, 2002
Think Positive Things About NASA
Posted by Frank J. at 05:59 PM | Email This

NASA has come out and assured everyone they can't read minds. Why is it now, for the first time, I'm worried about NASA reading my mind. This reminds how I was never worried about layoffs at work until the boss started a meeting by saying, "I just want to assure you that no one is thinking of layoffs."

Rating: 2.2/5 (31 votes cast)

| Best of IMAO 2002
Ding Dong, the Witch Isn't Reelected
Posted by Frank J. at 05:53 PM | Email This

Cynthia McKinney lost the primary to... uh... well, to someone other than Cynthia Mckinney. I blame the Zionist Conspiracy and the Blogosphere for using their money and misinformation against her.

Anyone know how to make donations to those two groups?

Rating: 2.0/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Arming Pilots
Posted by Frank J. at 05:39 PM | Email This

Bruce Schneier has an argument against arming pilots in the latest issue of the Cyrpto-Gram Newsletter. Now, of course, I'm for arming pilots (hell, I'm for arming everyone... except for criminals, dumb children, and chimpanzees), but it's nice to see a well thought out argument against arming pilots that isn't laden with complete idiocy (e.g., one from Fritz Hollings). But I think all the issues Schneier points out, though important, can be overcome. Also, I think quickly implementing the "quintessentially American solution" is always better than endlessly carping about the problem and doing nothing (i.e., the quintessentially European solution).

Rating: 2.0/5 (23 votes cast)

Now I'm Going to Be All Self-Concious When Posting
Posted by Frank J. at 05:26 PM | Email This

Wow, I had more than three unique visitors today. Thanks to Geek With Guns for linking to my Brief History of the Gun and to Right Wing News for putting me as the site of the day.

Rating: 2.1/5 (27 votes cast)

August 20, 2002
Catch and Release
Posted by Frank J. at 10:39 PM | Email This

Some Taliban and Al Qaeda prisoners are to be released, perhaps allowing them to fight against America once again. Can't we at least put some tracking collars on them or tag their ears so we can know if we're capturing the same combatants over nad over and maybe also track their mating and migration patterns? And when is it terrorists hunting season again, anyway?

Rating: 2.0/5 (24 votes cast)

Plant Dependency
Posted by Frank J. at 08:44 PM | Email This

Juan Non-Volokh points out how there is no empirical evidence that biodiversity is a matter of survival. I personally find our dependency on other lifeforms quite pathetic. We're the human race, the greatest species in the universe, so why should we need bunch of other plants or animals around to survive; they should live and die by our whimsy. We should make technology that can take the place of plants in the food chain, machines that can produce food and oxygen from sunlight, water, and nutrients much more efficentiely than some stupid tree. And unlike the tree, it won't block the sky or be a hazard to you if you run off the road.

Now don't take me out of context and say I'm for eliminating all trees. I just think they can be relegated to some zoo or something so they can stay out of our way.

Rating: 2.1/5 (28 votes cast)

| Best of IMAO 2002
You Can't Spell "Insanely Stupid" Without U.N.
Posted by Frank J. at 07:08 PM | Email This

The U.N. has yet again reinforced their credibility by electing Libyan leader Colonel Gadaffi as chair of the United Nations Commission on Human Rights. From the looks of the picture, he wore his wife's Sunday best for the occasion.

In other news, the fox has been elected to chair the United Nations Commission on Henhouse Protection and I have been elected to chair the United Nations Commission on Not Beating Hippies.

Rating: 2.3/5 (28 votes cast)

Comments (1) | Best of IMAO 2002
A Really Lame Hostage Situation
Posted by Frank J. at 06:42 PM | Email This

Why is it that the only time we hear of a country in Europe snapping into action, it's to help the Iraqi government? I still find Germans a little intimidating, even though they've basically settled into being another whiny European nation. It's just that, with their harsh sounding German vernacular, whines from them still sound scary and threatening.

Rating: 1.8/5 (24 votes cast)

August 19, 2002
Just Trying to Piss Off God
Posted by Frank J. at 08:06 PM | Email This

Whackos, possibly encouraged by the mentally retarded Ninth Circuit, are now protesting the mention of God in the Boys & Girls Club code. With all due respect to other people's beliefs and principles, people who don't believe in God are a bunch of creepy weirdos. They should probably protest less and just be thankful God is so kind and benevolent, because, if I were God, I'd be smiting atheists left and right. I'd also try to rework things to see if I could get pi to equally exactly 3 - not that I'm being critical of how things turned out. I'm just saying that maybe that wasn't His priority, but for a mere mortal that calculus can be pretty hard. If I could just get rid of one more symbol by making it a whole number, things would be a lot easier on the mathematics front.

Now what was I talking about...

Rating: 1.5/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (1)
Must Have Really Hated Himself
Posted by Frank J. at 07:22 PM | Email This

Abu Nidal, evil Palestinian terrorist, was found dead from multiple gunshot wounds in Baghdad, though, reportedly, it was a suicide. How fearsome a terrorist could he have been if he was that bad a shot?

Rating: 1.8/5 (21 votes cast)

Why Don't They Just Wear "We're Evil!" Signs
Posted by Frank J. at 12:00 AM | Email This

Just in case anyone wasn't completely sure al Qaeda is evil, CNN now has videos of them killing puppies. The left-wing seems able to oppose military action against terrorists when men, women, and children are the target, but can they stand still while puppies die? Maybe now the lefties can see the difference between good guys and bad guys when they realize that puppies are cute, cuddly, have soft fur, and enjoy squeaky toys, while terrorists are ugly, violent, have much more wiry hair, and are neutral on the squeaky toy issue. IQ wise, though, they're quite similar.

Rating: 2.1/5 (25 votes cast)

| Best of IMAO 2002
August 17, 2002
Know Your History
Posted by Frank J. at 02:45 PM | Email This

I've always thought that the gun was the greatest invention of mankind - the final triumph of intellect over brute strength - so in a bid to help educate people, I wrote an extremely brief history of the gun.

Rating: 1.6/5 (18 votes cast)

Saddam is Still Alive... But Why?
Posted by Frank J. at 01:28 PM | Email This

There seems to be a number of so called Republicans who are cautioning about attacking Iraq. They don't want us to be "unilateral." Come on; America is the good guys and there is no reason for us to just stand around while bad guys frolic about. Did Batman wait to get permission from the police before he went after the Joker so he wouldn't appear to be "unilateral." Hell no. Anyway, everyday that Saddam isn't assassinated, baby Jesus cries.

Rating: 1.9/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (4)
August 16, 2002
I'd Even Rather Vote for Nader
Posted by Frank J. at 11:28 PM | Email This

It looks like Hillary Clinton is taking steps towards an eventual presidential run, surprise surprise. If she were actually elected president, it would be devestating to our nations churches since everyone would then be confronted with incontrovertable evidence that there is no God.

Rating: 2.0/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (1)
Repartions for Slavery
Posted by Frank J. at 06:24 PM | Email This

A march is planned for tomorrow to demand reparations for slavery. Slavery in America was a horrible crime against humanity, and the governments support of it is more than inexcusable. I say, rather than that forty acres and a mule crap, give every surviving former slave $10 million dollars so he or she can get a condo and a porsche. And, since slavery was such a horrible thing, I think their should also be some reparations for the children of slaves who were never slaves themselves. They should all get free residence in a nursing home, if any are still alive. As for all other descendants, they can get an "I sought reparations for slavery and all I got was this lousy t-shirt" t-shirt for the apologetic price of just $15.00. Act now, because these reparations won't last forever!

Rating: 2.2/5 (19 votes cast)

Israel - The Anti-Europe
Posted by Frank J. at 06:06 PM | Email This

While Europe is constantly whining about us wanting to attack Iraq and accusing us of being unilogitudinal or something or other, Israel is pushing us to attack Iraq, and they are the ones who could actually be harmed by stirring up that hornets nest. Israel seems to almost be out Americaning Americans; when you're under constant threat, you can't afford to be a whiney little weenie like Europe. Only after many harsh battles are fought to ensure peace can the luxury of being a weenie be secured.

Rating: 2.2/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (2) | Best of IMAO 2002
August 15, 2002
Gotta Nuke Something
Posted by Frank J. at 07:30 PM | Email This

I find it immensely frustrating all the evil warring nations we have in the world, so I finally sat down and worked out a realistic way to world peace. Unlike other pie in the sky world peace plans, mine involves time tested and proven methods like fear and intimidation. I entitled my modest proposal Nuke the Moon. Someone please forward to those in power.

Rating: 2.1/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (1)
Fear Our Lawyers
Posted by Frank J. at 06:41 PM | Email This

Families of those who died in September 11th are suing the Saudi bin Laden Group, the government of Sudan, and two Saudi princes (are there any kings, queens, and princesses in Saudi Arabia?). I'm more for bombing than suing on account of things becoming morally ambiguous when lawyers are involved, but it's nice that the Sauds are being attacked in at least some way. Hopefully this can at least keep the Saudis' involvement in terrorism in people's consciousness despite what the State Department might want.

Rating: 1.9/5 (16 votes cast)

August 14, 2002
Why Didn't the U.S. Give Him a Birthday Surprise?
Posted by Frank J. at 10:08 PM | Email This

Castro turned 76 yesterday, but, if the U.S. were more on the ball, the headline should be "Would Have Turned 76". Every day a communist dictator still lives, baby Jesus cries.

On hand for the celebration was Congresswoman Maxine Waters, who coddled up to the evil murderous dictator praising the made up virtues of the oppressive government. Now, I want to be careful, because calling for the death of an elected (U.S.) leader is not cool. I'm calling for her execution for treason after the due process of law. The victims of Castro deserve no less.

Rating: 2.0/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (1)
So is it a Combination of "Hedge" and "Money"?
Posted by Frank J. at 05:59 PM | Email This

There is a good column on foxnews.com today about the growing threat of China, but what took my interest was yet another reference to China's leaders calling us a hegemon. Even though hegemon sounds something like pokemon, I looked it up and it actually is an English word. It's just that I never heard anyone other than the Chinese use it. What in the world is it with China's obsession with the word hegemony? It's always hegemony this and hegemon that from them. When did this happen? Did one day a communist leader encounter it on his word-a-day calendar and used it all the time because he thought it made him sound smart? Everyone there seems to accuse us of hegemony; it's like if you live in China and know three words of English, one of them is hegemon. But, here in America, if someone knows a hundred thousand words of English, one of them most likely ain't hegemon. I still don't know what it means.

It would be kind of neat, though, if the Jamaicans accused us of hegemony. "Hey, you Americans, stop being such a hege, mon. Drink Red Stripe!"

Rating: 2.4/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Best of IMAO 2002
August 13, 2002
Et tu, McGruff?
Posted by Frank J. at 06:35 PM | Email This

Dave Kopel found a crossword puzzle that's nothing but lies about guns. I remember when I was kid McGruff telling me to take a bite out of crime, but what takes a bigger bite than a .45?

Rating: 2.4/5 (17 votes cast)

Fire and Forget
Posted by Frank J. at 06:16 PM | Email This

I know I'm not the only one who is a little dissapointed in the progress of the war. The middle east is basically filled with enemies of humanity, but it seems like we're caught trying to befriend some to get permission to bomb others. America should throw the rest of the world a curve ball just to mix things up. Let's not make the next target Iraq, and instead just choose one of the other evil dictatorships around there and bomb some of their infastructure in a grand and bombastic display. Then, when they complain, the President should just deny it.

Evil Dictator: "You bombed my country!"
Bush: "No, our military was busy scouting around Afghanistan that day. Honest."
Evil Dictator: "But the bombers all had American flags on them!"
Bush: "I don't know what to tell you. Maybe it just looked like the American flag. Could be the Puerto Ricans; their flag looks like ours."
Evil Dictator: "Puerto Rico is part of America!"
Bush: "Really? Hmm... I'll have to take a look into that. Bye."

Man, it would be so cool. Everyone would know we did it, but we'd look so crazy denying it that everyone would think we flipped. I bet a lot of countries would fall in line right after that, and Europe might be so spooked that even they wouldn't whine. But, if they do, that could be the target of the next measures we take...

Rating: 2.1/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Some Things Even Cross the Line for a Democrat
Posted by Frank J. at 05:57 PM | Email This

It looks like Cynthia McKinney could lose the primary, which would restore some of my faith in humanity. She basically accused Bush of murder with admittedly having no evidence, which makes her a complete nut. But what does that make the people who elected her? Hopefully they are disgusted enough to giver her the boot.

There is also all that about the suspicious donations on September 11th, but I'm willing to give her a pass on that. She seems to dumb to be evil.

Rating: 2.7/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (2)
August 02, 2002
Posted by Frank J. at 05:30 PM | Email This

Apropos to nothing, why are there blue pens? Why? Really, what's the purpose of a blue ink pen? Anything official you want a black pen for, but it seems most pens these days are blue ink, and I have to wade through a bunch of stupid blue pens looking for a manly black ink pen. Oh, I cherish my black ink pens and try to keep from losing them. So, again, why blue ink pens? Is blue ink cheaper? Is there some reason someone would want their writing to be a fruity color? I know this is a strange gripe, but I hate blue pens.

Rating: 1.6/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (4)
August 01, 2002
A Time for Inflamed Rhetoric
Posted by Frank J. at 06:39 PM | Email This

Bush's response to the Jerusalem Hebrew University bombing has been the usual, "I'm angry. I'm furious," sort of thing, but, when there seems to be no end to the terrorism, it would be nice if he stepped up his rhetoric to shake things up again. A statement like "The U.S. will not rest until these scumbags are tracked down, gutted, and their families strangled with their entrails." would let Hamas know we're serious. That, and a cruise missile.

Rating: 2.1/5 (21 votes cast)


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