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October 31, 2002
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 11:11 PM | Email This

Tomorrow I get the keys to my house and then all this weekend its moving time. That, combined with having to move my computer and get it set up on a cable modem again, means there will be little blogging this weekend. I really wanted to be a contender for Most Blood-Hungry Blog, but I'm too far behind in the polls at this point anyway. You readers are useless; don't make me get new ones.

Anyway, to the links. Laurence Simon has his tips for a happy Halloween, the sick bastard. Plus, he has put up the new addition of the Daily Funnies.

Joshua Ferguson explains why Halloween is a Democrat's idea.

Rand Simberg has the Democrat's sequel to the Bruce Willis hit The Sixth Sense (image only seems to work when you view it on his main page).

Emperor Misha I, who had a surge in the polls today, gives his reasons why he should be voted the Most Hawkish and Blood-Hungry blogger, and they are pretty hard to argue with.

Finally, as compensation to not doing well in Bill Quick's contest, I got mentioned by Warblogger Watch. I should probably put up a warning on my site saying: "May be too intense for idiotarian viewers."

Rating: 2.3/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (9)
This Better Be My Last Post About the Existence of Iraq
Posted by Frank J. at 07:06 PM | Email This

I've been really busy as of late (actually, there is a ton of other stuff I should be doing right now rather than blogging) and thus I haven't been able to follow the news as closely. I stopped by the CIA World Fact Book today, though, and, listed right there between Iran and Ireland, was Iraq.

It's still there? What gives?

Bush got his approval for war, so why haven’t we marched in there and annihilated all the bastards? I don't get it. It's not because of all these distractions like North Korea having nukes, is it? There will be plenty of time left to raze them after we've had our way with Iraq.

Oh, wait, we're not actually waiting on the U.N., are we? If we are, I remember reading this Tom Clancy novel where some guys held the U.N. hostage; why don't we do that. Their building is right here in New York, so it's not like we have to go anywhere to do it. What we do is have our special forces storm the building and hold everyone in there at gunpoint. You just know those weenies will be falling over each other to be the first to cave into our demands. First, we’ll have them approve our war with Iraq. Then, we'll make them sign a declaration that Gerhard Schroeder is a little girl. Finally, we make them give us a "blank check" war approval, approving war for a country to be filled in later.

Then again, holding them hostage at gunpoint could be taken as meaning their opinion matters, thus giving them the attention they crave. Damn, diplomacy is hard.

Rating: 1.9/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (2) | Best of IMAO 2002
I Have Arrived!
Posted by Frank J. at 06:39 PM | Email This

I noticed a number of hits from Instapundit today, but not a deluge like a quick mention from Glenn Reynolds usually brings. So, I went to investigate and, lo and behold, I have a permalink on his page. I thought there would be a huge ceremony where one is presented with their Instapundit permalink, but instead it just appeared overnight as if it were always there. Perhaps it was always there. Perhaps Glenn Reynolds had foresaw my blog and had placed the link there even before I had started blogging, the link waiting there until I was finally ready. Such is the mystery that is Instapundit.

I am not so mysterious. I'm getting ready to update my blog roll and wonder if anyone else would like to be added and thus also become eligible for my prestigious Links of the Day. The cost is that you have to have a link to me on your page and then give me one human soul (doesn't need to be yours). Most important, though, is to e-mail me.

Rating: 2.4/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (8)
I Could Come Up With a Better Title if I Were More Devious
Posted by Frank J. at 08:45 AM | Email This

I just saw a new McBride commercial against Jeb Bush. In it, they say that Jeb Bush has "devious plans" for the amendment to limit class size in Florida. And, guess what, they have evidence that Jeb Bush has said devious plans. On a secret tape they obtained at the expense of many Democrats' lives, Bush proclaims quote, "I have devious plans." Wow! Devious plans so devious that they cannot be described by the devious Jeb Bush as anything other than devious plans! Think of the nightmare of deviousness if Jeb Bush is reelected!

Joanne Jacobs, who knows infinitely more about education issues than I, points out that McBride is yet another person against standardized tests for teachers and instead wants to reward schools that produce dumb kids with more money. I wonder if he's in the pocket of the NEA? That would be devious!

At first, I was just really happy that Reno would not be my governor, but, now that I'm over that euphoria, I really don't want McBride either. So, if you’re a Floridian, make sure to vote on... oh, crap, I better find out when that day is.

Rating: 2.2/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Ode to Violence
Posted by Frank J. at 08:13 AM | Email This

Despite a whispering campaign against me, I am still going to campaign for Daily Pundit's title of Most Hawkish and Blood-Hungry (remember, you get five votes). So, to that end, I have now posted an ode to violence itself. You will all read it.

Rating: 2.1/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (9)
October 30, 2002
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 09:10 PM | Email This

Man, I've been busy lately. Spent all day working yesterday, and then spent all night at Best Buy which ain't as much fun when you're there to pick out a washer and dryer. Anyway, here's a whole bunch of great links since I missed doing this yesterday.

Rachel Lucas rips into the Wellstone memorial spectacle not once, but twice. But, are Republicans just as bad? Check out Daily Pundit for the debate. Plus John Hawkins scours the Democratic Underground for their opinions so you don't have to get your own hands dirty.

Bob Owen, who's from Minnesota, fisks an idiot criticizing the computer game America's Army. Man, is our military cool. Not only do they kill evil foreigners, but they now also give us free computer games.

Mrs. du Toit explains an atheist Christmas.

Emperor Misha I speaks for us in his open letter to the Russian people.

Spoons believes Ted Rall is a pedophile monkey-lover. I think we should kill Ted Rall in a plane accident just like we did Wellstone.

Finally, Joshua Martin of Empire of Man goes Montanan Democrat to try and keep me out of the running for Daily Pundit's coveted title of Most Hawkish and Blood-Hungry Blogger, of which he is currently leading in votes. Who could believe that something so noble like a contest for who is most blood thirsty could cause us all to turn against each other?

Rating: 1.8/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Democrats Feast Upon the Dead
Posted by Frank J. at 08:38 AM | Email This

The Democrats turned Wellstone's funeral into a political rally, as it is a surprise to no one they would use death as a political advantage. If they were hungry, they would probably also think nothing of eating Wellstone. Let this be a message to those in the Democratic party: if you are starting to lag in the polls, they will kill you. They did it to Carnahan, they did it to Wellstone, and they will do it to anyone else if they think it will help, as it is a much cleaner operation than that whole Torricelli mess.

So, you're probably thinking, "I'm a Democrat behind in the polls. What do I do?" You re-register as Republican and then you run. You run like you've never ran before. You then find a safe place to hide and arm yourself. And, if you hear someone nearby bemoaning tax cuts for the rich, you load that shotgun and you better shoot to kill, because they will.

Rating: 1.8/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (6)
You're So Vain, You Probably Think This Post is About You
Posted by Frank J. at 08:26 AM | Email This

Carnival of the Vanities is up. See the blogosphere's best posts courtesy Bigwig.

Rating: 2.2/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (2)
October 29, 2002
Also, the Report Said that North Korea is Complying with the Agreed Framework
Posted by Frank J. at 08:20 AM | Email This

According the CIA, Al Qaeda is an effective fund-raiser, getting tons of money from mosques, Islamic charities, and in-duh-viduals. Apparently, they're throwing bake sales and holding "Dunk the Iman" and "Throw a Pie at the Blind Cleric" events and plenty of Muslim nutsos are more than happy to help fund Al Qaeda attacking us. Am I being too persecutory of the Muslims if I want to know exactly how many of them are at least somewhat sympathetic of terrorists, especially how many of the Muslims in our country think that way? And, then, am I being un-Christian to want those people thoroughly beaten within an inch of their lives and to offer my help in the said beatings?

Other interesting parts of the report say that, while Al Qaeda is capable of cyberattacks, the biggest threat is from a group called Aleph in Japan. I guess that's not too surprising, though I haven't felt threatened by the Japanese since the 80's (remember when we thought they would eat us alive economically? I still get some good laughs out of that one).

Also, the report pretty much says that all the big regimes in the Middle East could be suddenly toppled by extremists, including the Saudi monarchy under Clown Prince Abdallah, plus it says Iran is trying to get nuclear weapons. Maybe Walter Cronkite is right, we are heading towards World War III. Except, it's against all these pathetic loser countries that prospects of a war with will be more entertaining than threatening, and our only challenge will be dealing with Europe whining in our ear. Maybe, instead of being known as WWIII, it could be called the Third-World War.

Rating: 1.9/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (1)
October 28, 2002
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 10:00 PM | Email This

Blogging will probably be very sparse for a week or so since I'm really busy at work and I'm getting prepared for my move into my own little piece of the American Dream. Luckily, there are other blogs to read. Kim du Toit gives advice to Muslim extremists on how to destroy American cities. BTW, in reference to his post, I do care about getting an Instapundit permalink. How does one go about getting one? I'll change some core beliefs if I need to (two at most).

Icchan wonders what leads to things like the shooting in Tuscon, AZ (his permalink isn't working; what I'm talking about is his Oct. 28th entry). All I have to say is that I play plenty of violent videogames and I hardly ever kill anyone.

Rating: 2.0/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Islam Means "Throw Rocks"
Posted by Frank J. at 08:35 AM | Email This

Hundreds of Muslim thugs clashed with police who were taking Muslim cleric Abu Bakar Ba'asyir for questioning. What's it with Islam and mindless violence? I still haven't sat down and read the Koran (didn't he fight Godzilla?), so I don't know if purposeless violence is prescribed by it, but it seems that many Muslims love to engage in actions that do nothing else than enforce the image that they are stupid and violent. Like rock throwing; you're not going to topple governments or defeat soldiers by throwing rocks, but you will let them know that your mental processes are comparable to a monkey.

They took Ba'asyir from a hospital; it seems like every Muslim cleric who supports violence is either blind or ailing. Maybe it's supposed to be a sign from God, and they just don't get it:

"Allah wishes us to kill all the infidels, my Muslim brothers and sisters. If I do not truly speak in His name, may He strike me down as I stand... Ahh! I'm suddenly blind... for unrelated reasons."

Then I read this (the link to the story no longer seems to work, so I'm linking to its mention in Instapundit; he could use the traffic) about how Jemaah Islamiyah has plans to create an Islamic superstate including Indonesia, Australia, and parts of Asia. These guys are just completely cuckoo for cocoa puffs. We could maybe be threatened by them if they had some sense of reality, but, instead, they are completely, entirely, tinfoil hat wearing, The Nation subscribing, consuming entire cans of Crisco, Guardian editorial writer, burning monkeys at the stake for being heretics, Democratic Underground nuts. I love it how they’re just taking Ba'asyir in for questioning and you have some guy with a "We are not terrorists" sign next to people chanting "We are ready to die." Well, guess what, we are ready to kill you, so I think we can work out a deal here.

Rating: 1.8/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (35) | Best of IMAO 2002
October 27, 2002
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 10:27 PM | Email This

I'm watching the last game of the World Series. I'm not sure whom to root for. All I know is that I don't like California and I want them to lose. Anyway, I've been getting tardy about this "Link of the Day" thing (since become "Links of the Day" since I'm so indecisive), but here is some stuff to check out.

Mean Mr. Mustard has a great photo round-up of anti-war protestors in D.C. Don't read anything else on his site, though; it's all crap.

Laurence Simon analyzes the Moscow theater terrorism and its aftermath. Also, check out Bill Quick's site for his opinion as well as everyone else's (anyone who's anyone in the blogosphere post comments on DailyPundit).

Come to think of it, don't check out those other sites. Only read mine.

Rating: 1.9/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Computer Game Review: Hitman 2: Silent Assassin
Posted by Frank J. at 01:20 PM | Email This

I just finished playing Hitman 2: Silent Assassin, and it is one great game. In it, you play a hitman who has sneak in and kill people in a variety of great locales. I didn't play the first one, but, apparently, in the end he reformed his hitman ways and became Catholic. I think this is great, because one thing videogames need is more Catholic role models. He is soon drawn back into the world of killer for higher, though, which makes a more interesting game experience than Catholic gardener. The basic game play is to scope out each area and find a way to quietly kill your mark. The goal is to do it without killing anyone else or alerting people to your presence. To help you in this, you can use chloroform to disable someone and steal his clothes as a disguise. If you don't feel so nice, you can also quietly take him out with fiber wire or a silenced pistol. But what happens, you ask, if you are discovered dragging a dead body? Does that mean you have to start over? No, because Hitman 2 is an open playing experience, and, if your original plan is foiled, you just go to plan B, also known as dual 1911's. While getting in and killing your mark without alerting anyone keeps people from testifying to your presence, so does killing every last person in the vicinity. Start by capping the person unlucky enough to discover you, hitting him with two .45 bullets at once and sending him flying back twenty feet (it's unrealistic, but I forgive). Other guards will be alerted; kill them too. Then proceed to slowly walk the area (you can run, but I find it cooler if you walk in a slow, methodic pace) killing every last person. As long as you also kill your mark, this counts as beating the level. At the end, you get a rating based on your stealth versus aggressiveness. All stealth and only killing your target gets you the coveted "silent assassin" rating. On the other end of the scale, waking into a building lobby Matrix style armed with an M60, an Uzi, a Desert Eagle, and a sawn off earns you the "mass murderer" rating. But hey, whatever gets the job done.

What I liked: Open ended playing experience, rag-doll physics for dead bodies, good voice work, large selection of weapons (which you keep in a shack by the monastery and makes for a great finale when they come after you on your home turf), and getting to kill someone who looks exactly like Osama bin Laden.

What I didn't like: There was only one level with sword wielding ninjas; that's not enough ninjas for a satisfying play experience. Also, in one level, you get to snipe a target in a limousine with a .50 BMG rifle. He's surrounded by U.N. peacekeepers, and, if you "accidentally" kill one, you lose the level. Finally, the hitman is very bald. I mean, I'd be okay with it if he were so-so bald, but he is uber-bald. You will never see someone this bald again in your life. I can't believe he doesn't get detected while in disguise, because you'd think everyone would be pointing at him and saying, "Wow, that man is profoundly bald!" Maybe the reason he is bald has to do with polygon counts or something; I'm not a 3D videogame programmer, so I don't know. Let's hope in the next sequel they let him wear a wig or a baseball cap.

Rating: 1.5/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Posted by Frank J. at 12:20 PM | Email This

I was just watching CNN Late Edition, and Wolf Blitzer was questioning Charles Moose and others about phone calls the sniper said he made to the police that were ignored. Charles Moose came right back at him and pointed out how the sniper said he made a phone call to CNN and asked why they hadn't been told about that. Wolf Blitzer was visibly flustered. It was pretty cool.

Rating: 1.8/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (5)
October 26, 2002
In My World
Posted by Frank J. at 02:38 PM | Email This

The White House now says it can build a coalition against Iraq without the help of the U.N. As Ari Fleishcer recently said at a press conference:

"F--k them. F--k them all. Why the hell do we need the U.N.'s help? Give me a .22 target pistol and I could invade France, so why do we need those goddamn c—ksuckers’ backing of our military? We're America! We're one bad motherf--ker! If we need other countries to back us, we'll just conquer some areas and set up our own friendly countries. We can do that. We can do whatever the f--k we want. Just to make things clear and make sure that I'm not misquoted, we have complete contempt for other countries and their opinions. Come to think of it, why I am explaining myself to the press? I hate you f--kers! I'm outta here."

France and Russia stated they were unhappy with the U.S. position. France has been especially uneasy with America since Donald Rumsfeld tried to strangle their ambassador for "looking at him funny." They want war with Iraq to be the last option, while America wants it as the first option and diplomacy only as a final option. In the U.S. resolution, the ordering of steps taken against Iraq will be war, then a nuclear strike, then biological warfare, then childish name calling, then an embargo, and, finally, diplomacy if none of the previous efforts worked. France's resolution was diplomacy followed by surrender to Iraq. War would only be allowed if unconditional surrender was not accepted. "France will attack anyone with unholy vengeance who prevents them from surrendering," said a French diplomat, probably named Pierre, before being strangled by Donald Rumsfeld.

Okay, once again I didn't really read the article I linked to. Reading is for losers.

Rating: 2.3/5 (28 votes cast)

Comments (7) | In My World
October 25, 2002
It's Takes a Commie to Catch a Commie?
Posted by Frank J. at 06:28 PM | Email This

Bush is looking for Jiang Zemin's help in disarming North Korea. I dunno if that's a good idea, since they're both Commies and thus both want what's worse for the world. Yes, North Korea is crazier and their dictator is much more funny looking, but you never trust a Red. Maybe this is just Bush's plan to get both Jiang Zemin and Kim Jong II in the same room as part of negotiations. When he has them both alone, he'll whip out two .45's, yell, "You can continue your negotiations in Commie hell!" and then empty the two guns into the surprised dictators. He'll then drop the guns, and calmly walk out of the room remarking, "I was tough, but fair." It will make a great anecdote for his autobiography.

Rating: 1.5/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Best of IMAO 2002
Usually It's the One with the Gun Who Gets to Ask the Questions
Posted by Frank J. at 12:35 PM | Email This

You know who is the best public? The American public, that's who. According to this poll, most know that more gun control isn't a solution to stopping a sniper. Also, despite the media's constant attempt to make the NRA look worse than the nazis, the NRA still has a higher approval than disapproval rating. I doubt any other country is as pro-gun as America, and I bet they'd get vastly different polling results.

American Polltaker: I wish to ask you some questions about guns.

Frenchman: Ahh! Guns! Do not hurt me, American! Paris is yours!

American: No, I just wanted you to answer a poll about guns.

Frenchman: Well, I hate guns, you stupid American. I'm not some thuggish cowboy wanting to shoot at everything. We French are much more sophisticated. For instance... Ahh! An insect! Save me, American!

American: It's just a butterfly.

Frenchman: Quick, kill it with your gun! It is your duty, American!

American: It flew off.

Frenchman: Once again my non-violent diplomacy triumphs!

Rating: 2.8/5 (29 votes cast)

Comments (17) | Best of IMAO 2002
First the North Koreans, Now Al Gore
Posted by Frank J. at 08:18 AM | Email This

Gore says we should have a stronger defense against bioterrorism, but you should hear the way he said it.

"I was a bit bitter when you denied me the presidency which is rightfully mine, but I won't hold it against you, the American people. Oh, and by the way, you might want to strengthen your defense against bioterrorism... though it will be too late! Muh ha ha ha!"

I'm starting to believe that Al Gore is actually the supervillian Tree-Man that the police have been warning about. He looks like a man, but he has the powers and personality of a tree. Police caution that he is an extreme psychopath and should not be voted for under any circumstances.

Okay, I didn't read the above article, but it was about Al Gore. What are the chances there would have been any important information in it?

Rating: 2.3/5 (30 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Best of IMAO 2002
Some Lucky South Koreans Are About to Wind Up with Beach Front Property
Posted by Frank J. at 08:03 AM | Email This

North Korea wants a guarantee that America won't invade them before they are to dismantle their nukes. We won't even give Canada that guarantee, and evil Commie North Korea wants it? And they said what caused them to nullify the Agreed Framework was Bush labeling them as part of the axis of evil. Yeah, we really feel sorry for calling them evil now that they're threatening us with nuclear weapons. And they won't dismantle their nuclear weapons before negotiating, as their state-run "news" agency said, "...how can the DPRK counter any attack with empty hands? Their assertion is little short of demanding the DPRK yield to pressure, which means death." Oh, so now they think their nuclear weapons means they can take us on? Do the goddamn Commies think they can really put up a fight that will do anything other than piss us off even more? Bush better not negotiate with these people. If North Korea really wants to press its luck and not do what we tell it, then South Korea gets to be an island.

Rating: 2.0/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (2)
October 24, 2002
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 11:09 PM | Email This

Camille at IMFO thinks she actually encountered the sniper last night. Freaky.

Mean Mr. Mustard has a reminder of who we are fighting. I tend to avoid making serious post and thus I haven't commented much on acts of terrorism committed against our allies. Still, I pray that these hostages in Moscow can be freed without anymore killing (well, I won't shed tears if the terrorists take a few shots).

Rating: 2.3/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Time to Get Tough on Those Who Support Terrorism
Posted by Frank J. at 09:47 AM | Email This

What's up with Russia holding up the Iraq resolution? They say they don't like the part about the use of force that the U.S. put in there. Why do formerly evil countries like Russia and Germany act all peacenik now? Because they're still evil, that's why. They're busy selling weapons to terrorist nations, and they don't want to offend their customers by helping America attack Iraq. I'm starting to realize that, if we're really serious about ending terrorism, we're going to have to take out most of the world's government, not just those in the Middle East. If we don't start regime-changing Europe first, they're just going to coddle even more countries into becoming terrorists. "But who are we going to replace their governments with," you ask, "since most of the people in Europe are whiny?" Yes, most are whiny, but I believe there are two or three people in each European country who share American values (maybe four people in some of the larger countries). We will make them kings in exchange for their allegiance. If there isn’t anyone in those countries that we like, we'll just put some Texan in charge. "But don't the Europeans have modern militaries that will make it hard for us to just quickly overthrow them?" you also ask. That's just silly. Why would they have militaries? They never want to use force no matter how right the cause. I'm sure all the European countries defunded their militaries years ago in order to pay for sub-par universal health care and crap like that. Taking over countries in Europe could probably be done with one harshly worded phone call. Additional cost saving could be made by making it a collect call. "Should we call them using 1-800-CALL-ATT?" you inquire. No, that could save them money, and we need to take a harsh stand with them. Also, I don't want to encourage Carrot-top. "So when do we get back to taking on the countries in the Middle East? I really don't like those countries." Soon, after we finish rearranging Europe more to our liking. First, we'll blow up the Eiffel Tower. "Why blow up the Eiffel Tower?" Because it's French. Stop asking so many questions.

Rating: 1.8/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Best of IMAO 2002
Extremely Useful Idiots
Posted by Frank J. at 07:59 AM | Email This

Jeb Bush has had ads attacking McBride for all his new spending plans for Florida and saying he'll have to raise taxes for them (perhaps adding the dreaded income tax which Florida thankfully lacks). McBride responded by saying his tax will only be a 50 cent increase on packs of cigarettes. This is a neat new concept: take a group you don't like and make them pay for everything. I say, though, instead of smokers, we should make liberals pay for everything. Have an extra tax on books by Michael Moore and a subscription to The Nation. The great thing is that they shouldn't complain since they are supposed to like taxes. We should also force them to clean roads and fill potholes, and, if they complain, that makes them hypocrites since they are supposed to enjoy community service. We should also have liberals pull us around the streets in rickshaws for free. They shouldn’t complain because they should think it's great people are using pollution free transportation. We should also make them mow our lawns. They can't complain because... uh... we'll then lash them with a whip if they do; I want free lawn service and I don't like liberals.

I used to think we should chase all liberals out of the country; don't I feel stupid now.

Rating: 2.2/5 (30 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Best of IMAO 2002
October 23, 2002
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 10:30 PM | Email This

My arch-nemesis Scott Ott reports on the Democrats new strategy. I'm just glad it's a parody, because that might actually work.

Rachel Lucas has a German professor who thinks that the atomic bombing of Japan is equivalent to the Holocaust. She also has a giant number of comments. I didn’t write a comment because of my lack of knowledge about history (we had a 2nd World War?), but, in general, I'm of the opinion that anyone the U.S. bombed deserved it plus.

John Hawkins notices how racism against blacks is okay if you're left-wing. Good news for the KKK. He also got mentioned in Soldier of Fortune magazine. Kick ass.

Rating: 2.3/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Afterwards, They Were Going to Hit Denny's
Posted by Frank J. at 08:33 AM | Email This

This story was entitled "Al Qaeda planned to hit Asian bars" on the CNN.com mainpage. I know the feeling. Every once in a while I just throw up my hand in frustration and say, "I'm going to go hit some Asian bars." It ends up, though, that the CNN story isn't about Al Qaeda giving up terrorism and going bar hopping, but instead about them attacking nightclubs. CNN should entitle their stories more carefully.

Rating: 1.8/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (1)
If Saddam is Not Careful, He Could Lose Votes Next Election
Posted by Frank J. at 08:23 AM | Email This

Fifty Iraqis staged a rare demonstration calling for information about imprisoned relatives. They were all soon imprisioned. No information about them was given.

Rating: 2.5/5 (18 votes cast)

Collegiate Musings
Posted by Frank J. at 07:01 AM | Email This

I was just thinking, is there any reason for the word "dictionary" to be in the dictionary? I mean, if someone uses a dictionary to look up the word dictionary, then they obviously already know what a dictionary is. I guess they have to have it in there for the sake of completeness, as they do a number of other words. For instance, no one is ever going to look up what "the" or "of" means, but they still had to define them. And, though everyone who has even a slight grasp of English understands those concepts, the words themselves are really hard to define. I bet the least senior people got that assignment; think of spending all that time trying to explain "the" while knowing no one is ever actually going to read it. And did the person have to refrain from using "the" in the definition to keep it from being circular? Are there lots of disgruntled dictionary people? Maybe they get some cool benefits, like, after being there a long while, you get to make up your own word. Oh, and was the aardvark named that simply for prominent placement in the dictionary? If that's true, that's kind of pathetic. Then again, I guess that makes the aardwolf even more pathetic. And is there an authority they go to for defining slang and swear words, or do they just reference their foul-mouthed uncle Louie?

I gotta stop looking up words in the dictionary; it's distracting.

Rating: 2.2/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (9)
October 22, 2002
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 10:12 PM | Email This

Alex Knapp points out how our dependence on oil is more than just gasoline.

Andrea Harris takes on the irrational fear of guns. It's like some people think if they own a gun, it will suddenly jump out of the shadows and shoot them. Actually, that would be an interesting gun design...

Spoons has found his kryptonite.

Rating: 1.9/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (2)
We Should Take All Their Oil and Put It on Top of the Refrigerator So They Can't Reach It
Posted by Frank J. at 06:27 PM | Email This

Since we're fingerprinting Saudis coming into our country, Saudi Arabia is now fingerprinting U.S. citizens coming into their country. Gawd, it's like dealing with four-year-olds! Like our people are going to kill thousands of Saudis... well, unless, of course, they are ordered to by the U.S. military when we finally get tired of the Saudis' idiocy.

Why do we even have to deal with those idiotic governments in the Middle East? They're all illegitimate, and I'm tired of hearing about them. I'm going to demand my congressperson finally take care of them. You hear that, Weldon? You get a free pass this election, but all those governments better be gone in two years or you're losing a vote.

Rating: 2.0/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (5)
What We Need is a Schizophrenic Foreign Policy
Posted by Frank J. at 08:31 AM | Email This

Bush has decided to give diplomacy another try with dealing with Iraq. I guess he was intimidated by Iraq receiving 100% of the vote from a 100% turnout. To me, I would think that means we would have to kill all the Iraqis, because they are all now complicit.

I believe diplomacy means they will take another shot at killing Saddam in his sleep and making it look like a heart attack. Or maybe they'll make his mustache fall off in public so that he must commit honorable suicide as is the custom in whatever region Iraq is in. I'm just afraid that, by going back to diplomacy, we'll make Saddam think we're not serious. The best solution would then be to invade France thus giving us two votes on the U.N. Security Council as I’m sure is dictated by the U.N. charter which I have never read nor heard reference to. Here's the catch: we'll use France's vote to vote against the use of force! At the same time, we’ll cruise missile a random palace in Iraq. This we'll show Saddam that we're so serious about using force in Iraq that we'll defy the U.N. even when that means defying ourselves. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Saddam!

Rating: 2.4/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (1) | Best of IMAO 2002
Common Sense Gun Laws
Posted by Frank J. at 08:09 AM | Email This

No more worries of pretend crime in Mexico; they've banned toy guns. When kids play cops and robbers now, you can be certain those robbers will be unarmed, as extending one's index finger and saying, "Bang!" now holds the punishment of death by piñata beating. Eventually Mexicans plan on addressing the issue of actual crime, but so far the easiest solution seems to be to escape to America.

A thirteen your old boy in Florida shot and killed his teacher, so of course they are prosecuting the gun. It has yet to express any remorse for how it both killed a man and got a poor youth a murder conviction, and thus I hope they throw the book at it. When guns learn that we will get tough with them too, maybe they'll think twice about firing a bullet just because someone pulled their trigger.

Rating: 2.0/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (8) | Best of IMAO 2002
October 21, 2002
If They Were Any More Retarded, They Could Be France
Posted by Frank J. at 08:31 AM | Email This

Remember how in the movie Austin Powers Dr. Evil held the world hostage with a nuclear bomb for one "meeeeelion" dollars and was promptly laughed at. Well, North Korea could only hope to be that rational. They're now using their nuclear weapons program as leverage to keep us from saying mean things about them. Yeah, they don't like being called evil, so they threaten us with nuclear weapons. Dumbasses. To not send the wrong message, we should respond by saying even meaner things about them and constantly point out how funny looking their dictator is. He is really funny looking, BTW.

Why don't we just use those 37,000 troops we have in South Korea and go take over North Korea already? They probably couldn't muster a military force larger than eight millions, and I bet our troops are each comparable to 500 goddamn Commie soldiers who are probably half-starved anyway.

Rating: 1.9/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Also, The Hobbits Are Huge Isolationists
Posted by Frank J. at 08:17 AM | Email This

I saw an interesting article in The Guardian this morning. Simon Tisdall says that Tony Blair's support for Bush's war plans are hurting people's opinion of him. Which people, you ask? The "...76% of Americans who did not vote for George Bush and oppose his Iraq war plans..." Of course, this begs the question: did Tisdall arrive at that number by including just humans in his count or also elves, leprechauns, and the notoriously liberal unicorns, as it is quite obvious that he, like many of those who oppose America and only want "dialogue and diplomacy" with terrorists, are living in a fantasy world. At least this guy put that statement in his opening paragraph so you knew right away to dismiss him as a nut. Just in case Tisdall hadn't driven home the point that he's a raving idiot, he later says "And then there is North Korea, which has suddenly, rather conveniently, confessed to WMD offences." Yeah, you got us, Tisdall, North Korea is in on the plot to invade Iraq. They're not even really Communist; they just pretend that to help us with our war mongering.

Are there enough mental health care facilities to handle all the anti-Americans, or is that a burgeoning crisis?

Rating: 2.4/5 (31 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Best of IMAO 2002
October 19, 2002
Rest of the World Don't Mean Jack
Posted by Frank J. at 06:27 PM | Email This

According to this New York Times article, Iraq seems to believe the rest of the world is on its side. Even if that is true, does he really think it makes a difference? We're America; we can kick the rest of the world's ass if we want to. If we really want to kill Saddam, we'll first raze all of Europe if we have to. We'll bomb Peru and invade Egypt if that's what we need to do. Hell, we'll turn the rest of the world into smoldering ruins before finally attacking Iraq if that's what it takes. And they all know that, so, though they might talk big against us, when we get our war machine up and running they'll get the hell out of the way. What country could be so suicidal as to actually oppose us? Other than Iraq, I mean.

Rating: 2.2/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Perhaps Grimace Got Disgruntled
Posted by Frank J. at 02:22 PM | Email This

There was a bombing at a McDonalds in Moscow. Though one might think terrorism, but the investigator says it could be from a rival restaurant. Apparently, someone spotted the Taco Bell Chihuahua fleeing the scene. It should be known, though, that the Taco Bell Chihuahua is a radical Islamist and fervently anti-American, so terrorism shouldn't be ruled out.

Rating: 1.8/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (3)
October 18, 2002
Oh, And We Can Play "Ride of the Valkyries" as We Do It
Posted by Frank J. at 02:07 PM | Email This

So what so we do about North Korea? First we find out they've been working on a nuclear weapons program, and now we find out that China, Russia, and Pakistan helped them. Goddamn Commies, former Commies, and... uh... non-Commies. Don't worry, though, 'ole Frank has a plan.

We completely ignore this.

That's right. We just brush it off. Have Bush say it's not a big deal and we're focused on Iraq. Then we continue getting our forces built up near Iraq, preparing each day to storm into Baghdad, until finally... POW! We hit North Korea like starving dogs at a pot roast, bombing everything we see. Buildings, bridges, trees, mountains, sheep... anything at random. By lunchtime we should have that government overthrown, and then Bush can come out with a statement, "This is what we do to other countries when they even say 'nuclear.’ And we don't care it you say it NU-CLEE-AR or NU-CU-LAR; we're going to mess you up so good and you'll wish your country was never founded!" That'll scare the hell out of the evil people out there. We still have the big Commie, China, left, but don't worry; I'm working on a plan for that too.

Rating: 2.2/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Best of IMAO 2002
October 17, 2002
I Am Not Being Alarmist
Posted by Frank J. at 08:11 PM | Email This

Socialists are trying to take over Minnesota! They are going to use evil Socialist techniques to flood Minnesota with their Socialist brethren to turn the election. Their plans are to first take Minnesota, then Ohio, and then the world! Must we immediately kill them all before it's too late, you ask? Yes, you are correct. First, they must be exposed. Start asking random people if they think we should have government run healthcare. If he says yes, he is a Socialist; kill him. Don't try and reasons with them - I've tried it; it doesn't work. You may be asking now whether it is illegal to kill Socialists. I don't imagine why it would be, but you may want to check with your local law enforcement.

Rating: 1.9/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (7)
You Saw Hitchcock's Movie; You Know What I'm Talking About
Posted by Frank J. at 08:19 AM | Email This

Now here is who I'd like to work for. She gave 25,000 shotgun shells to her employees and told them to kill anything that posed a threat to her fish hatchery. In the end, they killed 4,000 endangered and protected birds plus one alligator. Of course, now the Man is trying to keep her down. Personally, I've never cared for birds; they think they're so cool because they can fly and you can't, and then you know what they do to your cars. I don't have any problems with the penguins, though, and, out of patriotism, I respect the bald eagle, but all other birds deserve shotgun death. You especially have to be careful of the endangered birds, because, when their numbers get down, those birds get desperate and you don't know what they'll do. So, I think this fish hatchery woman, instead of being sent to prison, should be given a medal for her bird-shotgunning heroism.

Rating: 2.2/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Don't Forget to Kill the Reds
Posted by Frank J. at 07:14 AM | Email This

Goddam Commies! North Korea admits to having a secret nuclear weapons program (well, I guess not secret anymore since they admitted to it). Just goes to show you the truth of the statement that the only good Commie is a dead Commie... and I guess the only amoral Commies is a severly injured Commie. All other Commies are evil and should be immediately shot dead before they the get nuclear weapons. Though we must fight terrorists now, we must not forget the even more important goal of making all Commies good.

Rating: 2.7/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (5)
October 16, 2002
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 11:13 PM | Email This

Cracker Commentary tells how the sniper is affecting people's behavior... even here in Florida.

Rachel Lucas catches Babs in even more idiocy, and has the foresight to save evidence.

Mean Mr. Mustard shows us the terrorists' new martial arts. There will be much kung fu fighting.
I hear Mustard is quite deadly with the candlestick.

Hawkgirl has a copy of the Iraqi ballot. It looks simple, but a number of people claimed they accidentally voted for Buchanan and want a re-vote.

Question: Did women get to "vote" in Iraq's faux election? And, if they did, is that a blow for or against women's rights?

Rating: 2.1/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (2)
I Believe They're Also Mentioned in Revelations
Posted by Frank J. at 09:45 PM | Email This

The ACLU has decided to attack Bush's anti-terrorism policies in a bid to increase their own popularity and thus please Satan. The ACLU is evil; if you didn't know that, I'm telling you now. Their goal is to have every criminal freed and walking our streets and then jail anyone who ever expresses a religious viewpoint. They will then declare themselves lord of all and feast upon the blood of the innocent. If you don't believe, just check their charter; it's all in there and signed by Lucifer himself. I wish I had more of a point about this particular issue, but I just realized I never said anything about the ACLU on my blog yet and wished to rectify that.

Rating: 2.4/5 (17 votes cast)

I Guess We'll Have to Invite the Terrorists Indoors for an Afternoon Tea
Posted by Frank J. at 06:13 PM | Email This

Governor Parris Glendening has banned outdoor shooting in four counties to help stop false sniper alarms. I know it's a cliché, but, if we can't fire our guns, then the terrorists really will have already won. I mean, how in the world are we supposed to fight terrorists if we can't fire our guns outdoors?

Rating: 2.1/5 (29 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Best of IMAO 2002
Next They May Find a Way to Turn Gun-Rights Against Us
Posted by Frank J. at 08:14 AM | Email This

I read this article on the Democrats' views about the economy, and this one quote stuck out.

"The last thing you do when you're going into a recession is raise taxes," Gebhardt said at a briefing sponsored by the Economic Policy Institute, a Washington think tank. "You cut taxes."

I re-read that a couple times. Was Gebhardt saying tax cuts are good? Maybe it's sarcastic and it just didn't translate when put to text, but further quotes seem to back up the notion that Gebhardt is for cutting taxes. This points to only one logical conclusion:

Democrats have found a way to use tax cuts to murder us in our sleep!

I don't know the details yet, but you can be certain that after they get their tax cuts they'll soon be coming for us to slit our throats during our slumber. This is probably the Democrats' most diabolical plan yet. Be afraid, be very afraid.

Rating: 2.3/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Best of IMAO 2002
October 15, 2002
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 10:48 PM | Email This

Rachel Lucas once again has to explain guns to stupid people. This time it's about ballistic fingerprinting.

Emperor Misha I points out a column everyone should read.

Andrea Harris finds either a hilarious parody or frightening idiocy.

Rating: 2.1/5 (17 votes cast)

Kick Ass New World
Posted by Frank J. at 07:28 PM | Email This

Another successful test of missile defense. Won't it be so cool when we finally perfect that and can hit any nuclear missile out of the sky? As long as we keep it to ourselves, there goes mutually assured destruction. We can nuke anyone we want and no one can stop us. We won't even have to use any stupid diplomacy. Hopefully, I can be president by the time we finish and start my new foreign policy plans.

"Hey, China, Taiwan is it's own country, ya numbnuts. Now, you stop being commies or you'll no longer be the most populated country."

"Middle East, you don't seem to be doing very well with Islam, so you're now all Unitarians. I'm not too sure what that entails, but hopefully it involves less killing. Try it out for a couple weeks and get back to me."

"France, you have to rename yourself Wussland. You will be known as the Wussies. Speaking anything other than American slang or watching anything other than American blockbusters is punishable by death."

"Palestinians, you now get your own country. It's called Germany. Go there now because the Israelis want to fumigate before they finish settling."

Man, I can't wait until missile defense is done. It'll be like Christmas everyday.

(Thanks to Bill Quick for the link.)

Rating: 2.3/5 (26 votes cast)

Comments (8) | Best of IMAO 2002
They Won't Rest Until We're All Dead
Posted by Frank J. at 07:03 PM | Email This

Democrats continue their rampage to destroy America and everything it stands for. First, they won't let us drill in Alaska's Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. No one actually believes that environmentalist crap, so the only reasons they could oppose it is that they are being paid off by the Saudi or Iraqi oil markets or that they just insanely hate all Americans and want what's worse for them. Next, they're stalling the passage of terrorism insurance because they not only want us all dead, but financially hurt as well. Finally, they keep loading the homeland security bill with the demands of evil unions so that Bush has no power to properly staff those positions and make them effective. Democrats explained, "We hate America and everything it stands for and want all Americans dead. Who we really love are the French. Hopefully, we can keep the terrorists busy attacking you people then all move to our beloved France where we will all sing anti-American songs and wallow in our own evilness." Actually, the wording of their response to the president was about a balance between flexibility for the president and worker protection, but you know all that stuff about France was implied. Because of the vile plans Democrats have for us Americans, make sure if you see any to immediately report them to the FBI. Also, if you see a donkey, kill it and burn its body.

Rating: 2.5/5 (16 votes cast)

It's Not a Real Election If There Are No Negative Ads
Posted by Frank J. at 08:34 AM | Email This

Saddam Hussein has a sham election today, and it's just too pathetic. He won the last one with 99.96% of the vote (I wonder what happened to that 0.04%?); why not just give himself 110% of the vote and really impress us? How dumb does he think we are? We're actually just dumb enough to maybe fall for him getting in the high sixties in the vote, so he should check his ego and rig it thusly. Also, we might believe it more if he had a straw man to run against.

"Hi, I'm Steve Ahmed, and, if I'm elected, I'm going to raise taxes, give away our oil for free, and not gas the Kurds. Why vote for a dedicated, workaholic like Saddam when you can vote for Steve Ahmed in '02."

Yeah, yeah, I know: everyone who has never run a sham election believes they're an expert at it. I really do think all that stuff would make it much more believable, though - not enough to keep us from bombing him dead - but enough to give us slight pause at killing an elected leader.

BTW, what happens if the "no" votes win in the Iraqi election? Do they actually have something written in law for if that occurs? My guess is that Saddam would then kill his entire populace. At least, that's what I'd do.

Rating: 2.2/5 (17 votes cast)

Why Don't We Annex Mexico Instead; Most of Them Already Live Here Anyway
Posted by Frank J. at 08:11 AM | Email This

In a recent poll, 38% percent of Americans were in favor of annexing Canada as the 51st state. I'd be in favor of the land grab too, but I don't know an efficient way to relocate all those Canadians. Maybe we could trick them into thinking there is some sort of hockey festival in Europe, and then annex the country while they’re all gone. We could then prevent them from coming back in; that's what you get for supporting Britain in the Revolutionary War, dinks.

(Thanks to Scrappleface for the link.)

Rating: 1.6/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (1)
October 14, 2002
Link of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 10:59 PM | Email This

Emperor Misha I is sick. Go tell him to get better soon. Actually, don't just tell him to get better; demand it! The blogosphere needs him.

Rating: 2.4/5 (15 votes cast)

Three in Ten People Have Trouble Putting on Their Pants Over Their Shoes
Posted by Frank J. at 08:41 PM | Email This

A poll shows nearly 70% of Americans don't want Hillary Clinton to run for president. That sounds good, but it's like 70% of people saying the proper order is pants, then shoes. What disturbs me is that 30% seem to lack rational thought to know that Hillary is an evil harpy who should be chased away from public life with torches and pitchforks in hand. That's three in ten people who aren't horrified at the thought of Hillary Clinton with more power. Luckily, it's not like they're evenly distributed throughout society; instead, these people are probably isolated in a few cities where confusing butterfly ballots can be used to disenfranchise them. Still, you could run into one on these wackos on the street, which is yet another of many reasons to carry a firearm.

Rating: 2.4/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Why Do I Read the Guardian?
Posted by Frank J. at 07:13 PM | Email This

I found this column by Gary Younge about Sesame Street in other countries pretty interesting. I mean, yeah, Gary Younge is a complete drooling idiot liberal, but once you cut through his dimwitted ideology in this article, there are some interesting facts to learn. Still, I want to give you fair warning and not downplay the total crap you have to drudge through to get to the interesting stuff; I mean, the guy keeps using the word "progressive" over and over, and the least of his mental offensives. Oh, and there's that part about Palestinian children having trouble liking Israelis because of the tanks outside; what about the Israeli children, Gary, you ass, who actually are the targets of Palestinians? Know what, come to think of it, don't read the article; it ain't worth the trouble.

BTW, he mentions the Golden Arches Theory of Conflict Prevention which states that no two countries with McDonalds in them has ever gone to war. Anyone know if that is true?

Rating: 2.6/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Happy Columbus Day
Posted by Frank J. at 08:28 AM | Email This

Today is Columbus Day. This is when we celebrate how Christopher Columbus discovered America, which, frankly, is one of the best things anyone has ever done. Some may say he didn't really discover it since people were already there, but that doesn't count because they didn't know where the hell they were. They also say that Columbus was a bad man because he killed lots of people, but that's unfair because everyone was a mass-murderer back in the olden days. It was the psychotics back then who never killed anyone; that's just how things have changed. So IMAO would like to give a shout out to our man Columbus for discovering this great continent, which is the best continent in the world even though it has tornados which is kinda weird. He thought he might fall off the edge of the world, but he pushed onward anyway - maybe because he was brave or maybe because he was insane; whatever reason, he set an example to us all. For it was a perilous journey, one unmatched even by our adventures into space. Not to belittle the Apollo missions, but it’s not like we only heard rumors there was moon we flew out to land on it.

Rating: 2.3/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Almost as Bad as Telemarketers
Posted by Frank J. at 08:08 AM | Email This

Not only do the Palestinians have to deal with Israeli occupation and the evil evil settlers who are always... uh... settling (believe me; it's bad), but, on top of that, they keep getting killed from their shoddy Palestinian phones which tend to explode. Poor bastards. We should start a charity to get Palestinians phones that are less demolitions prone - maybe some of those cool flip-top cell phones. We can give them to the Israeli intelligence to distribute as they seem to know who needs phones.

Rating: 2.6/5 (18 votes cast)

October 13, 2002
It Ain't Easy Being the Good Guys
Posted by Frank J. at 04:34 PM | Email This

Hearing about the terrorism in Bali, the phrase "suicide bombing" sounds even more redundant. Everything the Islamic terrorists do is self-detrimental. By attacking foreigners in Indonesia, they're going to make other countries stay away and thus have Indonesia's economy fall even further. If we were really evil, we'd all pull out of the Middle East and all other Muslim countries, getting all the Jews in Israel to leave as well, and completely isolate them, letting them fester and die in their own corruptness. If we were a bit nicer than that, we'd nuke them. But there are no easy options for us because we are the good guys. We take being one nation under God as meaning we can't just kill everyone we don't like; instead we have to do our best to help others... even if they're ignorant assholes. It ain't easy being the good guys - especially when everyone hates you - but one should thank God we are the way we are and thus try use our powers for good instead of evil. What if Superman, instead of being raised in a small Midwest town, had originally landed in Marin County, California? The U.S. could have killed all our enemies by now and taken over the world Nazi-style, but we were just raised better than that.

Rating: 2.5/5 (19 votes cast)

Carter Did Make a Lasting Contribution to Peace
Posted by Frank J. at 03:13 PM | Email This

Originally when I heard that Carter had won the Nobel Peace Prize, I ridiculed the notion. Having reflected on it further, I have to take back my words. If Carter weren't so inept in office, Ronald Reagan probably would not have been elected, and thus the Cold War would still be ongoing. Carter was the one person most responsible for Reagan getting the presidency, and, for that alone, his legacy should be known as one that led to collapse of the Soviet Union and, eventually, to Communism itself. Thank you, Carter.

Rating: 2.2/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (5)
October 12, 2002
Another One Vomits Up the Dust
Posted by Frank J. at 04:10 PM | Email This

Mean Mr. Mustard has moved to his own URL and is now using Movable Type. He is still at Berkeley, though. Update your links and give him a look see. Maybe now he can be promoted to Colonel (if I'm the first one to make that joke, I deserve a prize).

Rating: 2.5/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (3)
If Only My Parents Had Taught Me to Be Racist, I'd Be More Prepared
Posted by Frank J. at 03:25 PM | Email This

I've decided to be racist against Arabs now. The only thing is that I've never been racist before, so I'm not sure how to approach this. My first problem is that I'm not sure who's technically an Arab. I keep hearing how this and that Muslim group in the Middle East are not really Arabs, so I'm really confused. How can I properly identify an Arab so I know to be racist against them? And are the Palestinians and the Saudis all Arabs? Because, if they aren't, then screw it; I'll just go back to being tolerant.

Rating: 2.6/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Frank Saves the Iraqis
Posted by Frank J. at 03:04 PM | Email This

Now that the "Let's Kill Iraqis and Steal Their Oil" resolution has been passed in Congress, the Iraqis are clamoring for a way to not to be bombed and made dead by us. Some are trying to act indignant. "When someone comes to your house and says, 'I'm going to attack you and kill your parents and children' what do you say? You say, ‘I'm willing to defend my land, my money and my house,'" says some dumbass who lives in the Middle East. The only problem with his logic is that it's America, the good guys, asking politely to kill his parents and his children, so you know they have a pretty damn good reason. The proper response should be, "Sure, America, let me get them out here for you and line them up to make it easier. I have some extra bullets if you need them. I could also get working on making another family so you can kill them too, oh savior of the world."

Unfortunately, I'm a Christian, so I have to love everybody for fear God might give me boils and rain frogs on me (God, is that Guy pushy). So, I'm going to offer some suggestions to the Iraqis that will help keep America from saturation bombing them and then sowing their earth with salt (as is the new American foreign policy). One idea is to offer extra-unlimited inspections to all Americans. That means that not only can we drop by anywhere in Iraq unexpected, but we can stay as long as we want and take anything we want. Like, we could stay for a week in one of the palaces and take a lamp home with us, no complaints. The other and probably best idea is to brutally murder Saddam. I mean, that would knock the wind right out of our sails. If Saddam were gutted and then they played an entire soccer game with his head, we'd just lose all interest in Iraq. Maybe we'd bomb a few palaces just for the heck of it, but then we'd probably just go back to kill'n more al Queda jerk-offs until we finally get the resolve to whup the Sauds.

Rating: 2.2/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (17) | Best of IMAO 2002
October 11, 2002
And They Smell Bad, Too
Posted by Frank J. at 06:25 PM | Email This

Katherine Harris has released a new book on her experiences in the Florida election fiasco and will probably be elected to Congress this November. Good for her, because she took a lot of abuse at the hands of supposedly sensitive and caring liberals. They made fun of Harris because she wore a lot of make up. In the same vein, they hated Linda Tripp because she was overweight. Conservatives called this childish and immature, but how is that any different from conservatives making fun of liberals because they're a bunch of stupid, evil hippies who are complete retards have no sense of morality and whine a lot and are wrong about everything and in a just world would be locked in cages and studied using random shocks to try and see how their thinking went so perverse and then finally force them to work in coal mines so we are protected from their idiotic ideas plus have more coal? It's no different what so ever, and I think we all have some personal reflection to do on this subject.

Rating: 2.4/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (13) | Best of IMAO 2002
Trust Them About as Far as a 9mm Will Throw Them
Posted by Frank J. at 05:47 PM | Email This

Politicians have learned that turning against guns harms them politically, so many former anti-gun nazis are pretending to like guns now. John Lott has a story about Ed Rendell, the Democratic guber candidate in Pennsylvania, that reminds us that, even though the anti-gun people act nice now, vomitous oil still oozes through their rotten veins and clots in their pea-size brains which still fantasize about confiscating our guns. I'm not saying an anti-gunner can't ever reform, I'm just saying that, like an ex-KKK member, they should prove themselves by acts outside of politics. So, if a former enemy of freedom starts talking how he likes hunters now, do listen politely, but keep your hand near your holster.

Rating: 1.7/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (1)
The Mother of All Assassinations
Posted by Frank J. at 12:52 PM | Email This

Well, 77-23, the ball is now in Bush's court. The Democrats added that all diplomatic means must be exhausted before force is used, which I think means that all cruise missiles have to be used up before ground troops are sent in to finish off what's left. Bush can now start the Iraqi kill'n whenever he wants, and hopefully he'll do it soon. I guess he can wait for the U.N. Security Council to give approval, but that could be taken as an admission that their opinion matters. To me, the most efficient way would be to start bombing the crap out of Iraq now, but keep it a secret until we get approval from the U.N. Then we could pretend we did all that damage in one day and they'd be like, "Holy crap!" (U.N. people are gullible). So, now the question is how do we kill Saddam? We could just snipe him, but that's boring. Another idea is to bomb the building he is in collapsing it all on top of him, but that makes it hard to confirm the body and thus leaves open the possibility of another sequel. My idea is to capture him live, tie him to some stakes in the middle of the desert, and then drop a nuclear bomb on him. Then Bush could appear on a worldwide broadcast saying, "That's what happens when you mess with the U.S., foo'!" The Commies will probably pee their pants over that one.

Rating: 2.1/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Take One Last Look Before It's All Blown Away
Posted by Frank J. at 08:30 AM | Email This

Iraq on Thursday allowed reporters into one of their factories that was suspected of developing nuclear arms. Gen. Hussan Mohammed Amin (do you get made fun of at school in the Middle East if you are not named Mohammed?) led the tour. "The only things we Iraqis make here is toothbrushes," Amin told the reporters, "Deadly, deadly toothbrushes." He then proceeded to laugh in an evil and suspicious manner.

"Why do you need so many toothbrushes?" asked one of the reporters, "I've talked to a number of Iraqis since I've been here, and I can tell you for sure that no one is using them."

"Uh... did I say toothbrushes? I meant mustache combs," Amin corrected, "Simple mustache combs; not made with plutonium." He then started to laugh evilly again, but caught himself this time.

"Why are there signs cautioning of radioactivity everywhere?" asked another reporter.

"Uh... those are cautioning of fans. Yes, fans. Uh... some people don't like air blown on them. They are very sensitive, you know."

Amin then showed the reporters the various machines. "This one mixes the plastic. Uh... this one molds the plastic. And this one creates the housing for the radioactive material... uh, I mean… this one also does something involving... uh... what did I say... ah, yes... mustache combs. It is another mustache comb machine."

"Will we get to see any of these mustache combs," a reporter inquired.

Amin then pulled out a gun and shot the reporter plus another one behind him. "Let that be a lesson to you: if you question our mustache combs, I will kill you and the person next to you. Now, let's go to the next mustache comb production room. There are many warheads lying on the ground, so be careful not to trip."

Rating: 2.1/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (2) | In My World
They Must Be Easier to Win Than a Grammy
Posted by Frank J. at 07:07 AM | Email This

"Jimmy Carter Wins Nobel Peace Prize." I'm still sleepy this morning, so maybe I'm just confused, but I think they gave Carter a Nobel Peace Prize for some reason. No, I don't think it's The Onion I'm reading. And it is the Nobel Peace Prize, not the Nobel Useless Idiot Prize or the Nobel Appeaser of Communists and Terrorists Prize. Wow, they actually placed Carter with such luminaries as... uh... Yasser Arafat. Well, at least they didn't give him one for economics.

Rating: 2.8/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (4)
October 10, 2002
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 10:16 PM | Email This

You may (or may not) have noticed that I have been blogging a bit less lately. Things are busy at work so I haven't had much time to blog or even follow the news during the day. Luckily, other people have stuff to read, too.

Rachel Lucas points out that if you don't want to see your baby dead, don't kill him or her. Abortion debate ensues.

And, when someone you disagree with plummets to their death, is that funny? Emperor Misha I thinks so, my arch-nemesis Scrappleface seems to think the same, and, of course, Laurence Simon finds it funny as well, but Alex Knapp says no. As for me, I say, "Mu-hah-hah-hah!"

Finally, Kim du Toit takes the Glock down a notch. It's a great gun, but frankly I have a lot of trouble trusting my life to plastic.

Rating: 2.5/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (10)
The Debate Ends, the Kill'n Begins
Posted by Frank J. at 06:45 PM | Email This

They finally took my advice and quit the stupid debate about Iraq. The House passed the resolution to give Bush the power to kill evil foreigners that he so desperately needs. Old man Byrd tried to keep debate going in the Senate, but, just as rhetoric was careening out of control, he suddenly cried, "Ahh! My hip!" and fell to the floor. The Senate then voted 75-25 to close the stupid debate and kill the bastards, with even the weasely Dashcle now on board - probably for some evil reason that will be revealed later. Now, if we still care about the U.N. (it does let other countries pretend there involved in decision making), all we have to do convince the French (who are easily intimidated) and the Russians (who are easily bought). Then all that sweet sweet Iraqi oil is ours and we can subsequently eliminate the competition by blowing up Saudi Arabia with Iraq's WMD as we always planned. Oh, and I guess we can responsible and everything and establish some sort of democracy in the remaining rubble. Don't tell any Europeans about all this, though; those dinks will probably just freak out.

Rating: 2.5/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (1)
This Further Proves My Theory: Germans Love Saddam Hussein
Posted by Frank J. at 07:38 AM | Email This

I knew it. "Peaceful" Germany has been behind Iraq's arming all along. Two German business men were arrested for using measures to bypass the Iraqi embargo and help Iraq build a supercannon. Yeah, a supercannon. All Saddam needs is a cat to hold in his lap as he makes demands to the world and he could be a supervillain. If we don't act against Iraq soon, it could become a problem that only James Bond could solve. But no, Congress still needs to debate the issue as Saddam builds his supercannon and also perhaps a weather machine and a laser armed space station. I know I have been making this same point everyday, but we have to get moving; it's not like the longer we take the nicer Saddam gets and the more kittens he saves from trees. I'm starting to wonder if the congressmen delaying the vote on war are also in cahoots... and maybe also the people who voted for them. I say arrest them all to be on the safe side.

And, if we find out that Germany has really been helping Iraq out on all this, then that's their third strike. We break them up for good this time.

Rating: 2.2/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (20)
October 09, 2002
Link of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 10:46 PM | Email This

Make sure to read this tribute to our servicemen (thanks to Bill Quick for pointing me to it).

Rating: 2.5/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Who's Our Bitch Now?
Posted by Frank J. at 08:25 PM | Email This

I haven't said much about the Maryland sniper as I don't find anything very funny about that situation (if you want someone who'll push the limits of good taste, go to Amish Tech Support), but here's something worth mentioning: it hasn't caused a big push for new anti-gun legislation. It seems like the perfect event to cause anti-gun hysteria as there is a deranged madman who is going around shooting people. It's the horrible tragedy that liberals have always warned would happen! Hey, maybe if we had laws to keep people from having rifles, he'd only be able to take out his anger on neighborhood cats! Let's start taking away everyone's guns now while they're scared and not thinking critically! But no serious politician is making those arguments. Why? Because we're winning, that's why. An election is near, and the politicians are too scared of us to try and pass any more idiotic gun laws. Maybe it's because of our powerful arguments or because of the vast gun lobby or because we all have lots of guns and ammo and know how to use them, but, whatever it is, politicians piss their pants at the thought of crossing us. Yeah, that's right, us gun-nuts now own Congress! For our first trick, we made the liberals shut up; now, let's make them dance! Dance, our monkeys, dance! Bwa ha ha ha!

Rating: 2.5/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (2)
A Question of No Importance
Posted by Frank J. at 08:46 AM | Email This

Apropos to nut'n, were the can and the can opener invented simultaneously? I figure someone didn't invent the can opener first and then said, "Hey, we've got this great opener, now let's invent something it can open." If that didn't happen, and they were not both made at the same time, that means that, after the first man successful sealed food inside a can, he stood a long while just staring at it wondering, "Now how the hell do I get it out of there? Now this seems like such a dumb idea, because I'm hungry." I know that if someone had taken my food, sealed it inside a can, and didn't have a way of getting it out, I'd be pretty pissed.

Rating: 2.9/5 (26 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Best of IMAO 2002
Do It For Little Timmy
Posted by Frank J. at 08:32 AM | Email This

I just checked my map of the Middle East this morning... Iraq is still there! What gives! Congress is actually still debating an attack! What the hell are we paying them for! Each day Saddam lives, it is a profanity to you, to your family, to your neighbors, to that snot-nosed kid who lives down the street, and to baby Jesus. But all they can do is talk talk talk, when they should be letting our trigger fingers do the talking. At this rate, when we finally cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war, the dogs are going to be old and have hip problems and just want to nap. And, then we'll have to explain to little Timmy that we need to put them down, and little Timmy will not understand. Little Timmy will start crying, "Please, mister, don't kill my war dogs!" and it will be a mess. But Democrats, who laugh at little Timmy's tears, are still dragging their feet. They're afraid the resolution is too broad and then Bush will use it to go attack Portugal or something. Who cares? And then some, like Sen. Carl Levin, want us to wait for U.N. Security Council approval before we do anything. That's right; before we can defend our national security and keep Timmy's war dogs fetching sticks, Levin wants us to get the approval of the frogs! Why doesn't the guy just come out and admit he hates the sovereignty of the U.S. and never cared for apple pie? Why does he even act like he cares about the security of the American people when its so obvious he doesn't? Who elects these loons?

Man, now they've drawn me into the debate. Okay, no more talking, unless its orders on where to drop the bombs.

Rating: 2.5/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Best of IMAO 2002
October 08, 2002
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 11:00 PM | Email This

Kim du Toit points out some big anti-gun hypocrisy (then again, you can't swing a dead cat these days without hitting anti-gun hypocrisy).

Andrea Harris makes me realize I've been spelling "wacko" wrong all this time. I'm sorry.

Finally, I somehow missed this on The Spoons Experience from a number of days ago. It's the most powerful optical illusion I think I've ever seen. I will never trust my eyes ever again.

Rating: 2.0/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (1)
I Am the Greatest Blogger Ever!
Posted by Frank J. at 08:25 PM | Email This

John Hawkins made a list of best blogs based on the votes of 22 different bloggers, and I made honorable mention! Considering who is on the top fifteen, that's pretty cool. Yeah, it's probably some freak occurence and wouldn't have happened with a larger sample, but I'll take it.

Rating: 2.5/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Just in Case You Forgot: Other Countries Are Stupid
Posted by Frank J. at 07:09 PM | Email This

I tried hating the Germans for a change, but it just didn't work out. I'm going back to hating the goddamn frogs. This poll in France had Israel ranked as the second biggest threat to world peace. Surprisingly, it was Iraq ranked number one and not America (perhaps they were too scared to list us). Rounding out the top five were Syria, Iran, and bathing daily. The French have some of the most screwed up values; I'd let a shoplifting eight year old sermonize me before a Frenchman (is that an oxymoron?). I hear the poll results had a significant margin of error, though, as many of the French, upon hearing the names of all the scary countries to choose from, ended up surrendering to the pollster instead of answering the question.

Also, though Tony Blair has been cool lately, I must point out that a lot of Brits are still idiots. Apparently this conversation happened in London at some point:

"We've banned handguns and now crime has gone up. I wonder why that happened?"

"I know! We forgot to ban replica guns!"

"Cheerio! Let's ban replica guns and then have tea and crumpets!"

Yeah, they tried banning fake guns. They're getting killed with real ones, and they're worried about replica firearms! The Home Office decided that the legislation was too complicated so it got shelved, but what about the legislation being one of the most retarded ideas man has ever conceived? God, that is pathetic. I remember a debate in Britain over whether the police should be able to carry tasers. It's like they all want to be killed by criminals. Luckily we have some sense here in America; if someone tried to take my replica gun or taser, I'd shoot them - and I don't even have a replica gun or a taser. That's just how much more freedom we have here in America.

Rating: 2.3/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (3)
October Surprise
Posted by Frank J. at 08:09 AM | Email This

I watched Bush's speech last night, and, though it was good and straight to the point, it was all stuff we already knew. I thought it would have been awesome if he ended with some huge surprise.

"So, with everything I have outlined, it seems that Iraq is our biggest threat... but then I looked further into the issue. Where was Iraq getting all its funding? Where were they getting their intelligence data? Who was behind Saddam and his push for evil?" Bush then pointed to Gerhard Schroeder who sat among them in the audience. "It was Germany behind this all along! That's why I use this opportunity not to declare war on Iraq, but on Germany!"

"This is absurd!" Schroeder exclaimed, trying to look shocked, "You unilateralist Americans have finally gone insane."

"Germany never gave up their evil Nazi ways," Bush continued, staring at the evil Schroeder, "They just hid them, using Iraq as their patsy as they pretended all they were interested in were making quality automobiles. But, the truth is, Schroeder is the son of Hitler and Saddam is his illegitimate half brother!"

"Lies! Lies!" Schroeder yelled, rising to his feet. He could then see that no one else believed him, his Hitler evil too obvious. He then began to laugh, a laugh of pure evil that curdled one's blood. "We'll bury you America! We'll bury you all!" He then was propelled skyward by a jetpack hidden under his coat, crashing through the skylight for his escape.

I'm not saying the speech was bad; I'm just saying it should have had a bit more theatrics if it's going to play in a prime time slot.

Rating: 2.8/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Best of IMAO 2002
October 07, 2002
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 10:11 PM | Email This

Lot's of good reading today. Here's just a little bit of what was worthwhile today.

My arch-nemesis Scrappleface reports on Democrats' worst fears.

Laurence Simon has now banned the Irish and dogs from his website. I, personally, could never ban the Irish because they made Guinness (plus I'm half Mick myself... and that's the funny half). And, if any dogs have been able to surf to my site, I want to tell you that you're a good, good boy. Who wants a treat?

There are two things in this world you can never have too much of: love and ammo. In celebration of that, Kim du Toit and Mrs. du Toit have started National Ammo Day. On November 19th, make sure to go out and buy 100 rounds of ammunition in support of the 2nd Amendment.

Finally, Rachel Lucas, who is better than any of you deserve and I am deeply indebted to for her help in setting up my new site, slowly and carefully explains guns to stupid people.

Rating: 2.3/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Ask Dumb Questions...
Posted by Frank J. at 07:32 PM | Email This

Has everyone seen this CBS-New York Times poll yet? Was this a poll of crack smokers on their opinions of Iraq? It reads like a Democrat's dream: people don't think we should preemptively strike, think we should wait for allies, think there should be more talk of the economy, and think that an attack on Iraq will lead to more terrorism and a broader war in the Middle East. Of course a majority does want military force to remove Saddam, so, if the poll is to be believed (it isn't), some people want more terrorism and a larger war against all the Arabs.

I've had this idea for polls for a while that I think would make them more informative: include basic knowledge questions along with the opinion questions so we can get a better idea of who has these dumb ideas.

"People who placed Iraq in South America were much more likely to oppose a war."

"Respondents who correctly answered the question, ‘Who is the Secretary of Defense?’ sided more with Bush on the issues. Those who answered the question with audible drooling were most critical of Bush."

"Those polled who identified their hobbies as eating bananas while swinging from trees tended to side more with the Democrats on Iraq."

Rating: 2.5/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Palestinian Creativity
Posted by Frank J. at 01:08 PM | Email This

The Palestinians don't seem to have much going for them. They live under an oppressive dictator and make things worse with violence, so they don't ever seem to achieve much. There is one thing, though, they seem to excel at: getting killed by Israelis. Think about it; how many Irishmen have you heard been killed by Israelis? How many Eskimos? How many Brazilians? Pretty much none. Even the innovative Japanese can't seem to get themselves killed by Israelis. And Americans, who usually excel at everything, are so far behind the Palestinians on getting killed by Israelis that they don't even register. Even today, Palestinians were able to get thirteen of themselves killed by trying to harbor terrorists. Of course, harboring terrorists is just one way Palestinians get themselves killed by Israelis. Here are some of their other creative ways:

*Charging a bunch of Israeli troops with on AK-47.
*Trying to blow one's self up.
*Trying to run blockades.
*Camping out in other places in Arafat's compound than where Arafat himself is.

And finally, my favorite:

*Throwing rocks at people with automatic rifles in their hands.

The last one really is especially good. Usually, throwing a rock at someone with an automatic rifle is not a great idea (think: what's the best possible outcome of that situation), but, when trying to get oneself killed by Israelis, it uses very little resources. Admittedly, they probably adapted that technique from that one tribe who was especially adept at getting killed by tigers. What they would do is carefully approach a sleeping tiger and then poke him with a small sharp stick. I forget the name of that tribe, though; I believe they died out a long long time ago.

Rating: 2.7/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Best of IMAO 2002
The Democrats Have Been Domesticated, Now They Need to be House Trained
Posted by Frank J. at 08:25 AM | Email This

It looks like the Democrats, despite their firm stance against the security of the American people, will authorize war against Iraq. Daschle says he'll vote for the resolution, but only after trying to make it more to his liking. Now, I'm no master negotiator, but admitting he's going to vote for it anyway probably won't give him much leverage to change it. The Democrats have pretty much just caved in to pressure since they are now perceived as being a bunch of anti-war, peacenik hippies by everyone since everyone has eyes in their head. Democrats find all the loud noises, explosions, and moral resolve that are involved in a war quite scary, and they just want a simple life of scaring the elderly. That's why they can't help but be weasely with their support of the war, and thus we get statements from Sen. Bob Graham like, "If we don't handle this carefully, including doing our domestic law enforcement as well as our foreign policy, that we could face a significant increase in incidents of terrorism inside the United States." So, what should be the Republicans' response to the Democrats if there is another act of terrorism and they blame it on Bush's push for war? I think it should be kicking the Democrats in the nuts. They do it enough times, the Democrats will learn to stop making that point. Some may say that's not a way to conduct reasoned debate. That can be answered by staring menacingly at those people for a few seconds.

Rating: 2.5/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Questions Asked Frequently
Posted by Frank J. at 07:02 AM | Email This

I get asked a lot of questions, so I have cataloged them in a new FAQ. If anyone has any other questions to add, put them in the comments section.

Rating: 2.7/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Know Your History
Posted by Frank J. at 07:01 AM | Email This

Everyone seemed to like my brief history of the gun, so I have now made a histories section. Added are my brief history of Canada (60% recycled material) and of Tobacco (brand spanking new!). Perhaps one day I will be a famous historian.

Rating: 2.4/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (1)
Grand Reopening
Posted by Frank J. at 07:00 AM | Email This

I have moved; tell everyone! I have now settled down at imao.us. If you are wondering what those letters stand for, "us" stands for United States, which, in my arrogant opinon, are the best states of all.

Opinons on the new layout are appreciated. A special thanks to Rachel Lucas who not only guided me through the set up, but made me the new logo. If you don't already read her site, then you're some sort of idiot and I hate you.

Rating: 2.9/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (6)
October 06, 2002
We Used to Be Able to Shoot Dead Anyone Who Tried to Steal Our Money
Posted by Frank J. at 12:56 PM | Email This

I finally saw that flash movie from the Democrats that's been causing quite a stir. It starts off with some hippy who I guess is supposed to be some cool young adult like in those "Truth" ads that always stir me to violent thoughts. Bush promptly kills him. This reminds me why I voted for Bush: he'll kill hippies without even a moment's thought. Bush then kills an old person. Is this supposed to be an ad against killing hippies and old people? No, it's about social security. That's where the Democrats steal our money for supposedly our own good and do God knows what with it - though I'm sure Satan does his best to keep even God from finding out about it (Satan is a left-of-center Democrat). In the good old days, people who stole our money like that would be hung next to horse thieves, but today they are elected by dumb people. And we get pretty much no return on this stolen money, or, for a young'n like me, I'll probably never see it again.

Bye bye, money. I miss you.

Sorry, I got emotional for a second. So Bush has proposed giving people the choice... no, I hate that word now... the option of investing some of their money. According to the flash ad, Democrats equate having some control in the investment of your stolen money with killing old people. Is this because Democrats are:

A. Stupid
B. Evil
C. Stupid, evil, and goddamn dirty Communists.

The answer, of course, is C. This is why, for the sake of our country, we must chase away all Democrats until the two major parties are just the Republicans and the Libertarians (who can easily be identified by their blue skin; I always thought Smurfs were Communists, but I guess I was wrong). Then we'll attack whatever country the Democrats fled to (probably France) and force them to pay tribute to us. We'll use this money for Americans' retirement. Now, there's a social security plan I'll buy into.

Rating: 2.6/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Best of IMAO 2002
October 05, 2002
Link of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 11:46 PM | Email This

Rachel Lucas gets hate mail from some British person who had no clue what he was up against. Foreign people are so stupid.

Rating: 2.2/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (1)
Frank Discussions
Posted by Frank J. at 07:16 PM | Email This

A U.S. envoy had a "frank" discussion with North Korea, which probably means we just told them how bad we think they are and that we hope they change. That's diplomacy, but I guess I'm too simple for that. North Korea is doing evil things now. It's oppressing people now. It's planning to make WMD's now. Plus, they're a big threat to South Korea who animate all the Simpsons episodes, which, in my opinion, is a more important resource than oil. So I wouldn't just tell North Korea I think they're bad and hope they change in the future. Here's how a "Frank" discussion would go with North Korea:

Our envoy meets with some North Korean diplomats for talks. Our people then, without saying a word, kick the crap out of the North Koreans. The president soon after calls up to apologize as sincerely as possible, saying he didn't know who those envoys were that attacked the Korean diplomats and offers to meet with Kim Jong Il himself. Then, at that meeting, the president will thmen kick the crap out of him and promptly leave. He then calls Kim Jong II again the next day, apologizing once more claiming he was drunk and then offer to meet with hi again. He will probably say no at this point. The president should act really pissed, saying how he once smacked around Schroeder and he was cool about it afterwards. When Jong still refuses, we then tell the world that talks with the North Koreans are going no where and that their leader is funny looking so we need to attack them now before... uh... before we forget about it (we're America, the only superpower; why the hell do we need to give other countries cogent excuses for our actions?). We then quickly take out their government using our super-modern weapons against their stupid commie weapons, give food to the people and become heroes, and set yet another example to China that communism doesn't pay.

I guess the plan might work without the severe beating of North Korean diplomats, but that's one of those "why not" sort of things.

Rating: 2.6/5 (27 votes cast)

| Best of IMAO 2002
Western Culture - Resistance is Futile; You Will Be Assimilated
Posted by Frank J. at 01:40 PM | Email This

Muslims like our movies a lot and it makes them mad. Some Muslims just don't make much sense to me. "I don't like Americans, because they oppress the Arabs and Muslims. Unfortunately, all Western culture has been transported to our daily life," says a school administrator from Cairo. Jesus tap-dancing Christ is that guy an idiot! Like Americans could ever oppress Arabs and Muslims more than other Arabs and Muslims; we just don't have the experience at it that they do. And, maybe people wouldn't be so quick to adopt Western culture if the Middle East actually developed a culture worth something; one that didn't just involve being ignorant, oppressing women, and wearing sheets. Now, I'm not going to defend Hollywood culture, but knowing it makes Islamic fundamentalists mad does raise my opinion of it. Also, the fact that people in the Middle East like watching evil aliens ships get blown to smithereens with the help of a Mac computer as much as Americans do show that, deep down, we're all the same. That's something to be celebrated, but it seems that some Muslims are more focused on how movies aren't portraying Islam in a nice manner and make Middle Easterners look like terrorists. The problem is, Islam hasn't been been portraying itself in a nice manner and Middle Easterners have been making Middle Easterners look like terrorists by being terrorists. I swear, if I hear of one more Muslim working more at stopping the portrayal of Muslims as terrorists instead of actually trying to stop Muslims from being terrorists, I'll lobby to make sure that the Middle East only get our independent films imported to them. That'll learn 'em.

Rating: 2.5/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (4)
October 04, 2002
Link of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 11:18 PM | Email This

Kim du Toit, a great new addition to my blogroll, analyzes the Maryland shootings and how that state's restrictive gun laws help something like this be possible. I could have taken a job in Maryland instead of Florida, and gun laws were a factor in my choice (they were also one reason I'd never go back to the state of California... one of many reasons).

Rating: 2.4/5 (16 votes cast)

Enough to Make One Give Up Reading for Good
Posted by Frank J. at 04:56 PM | Email This

I found this article on Clinton in the Mirror via Rachel Lucas's website (who fisks it ably), and it is the one of the most horrendous things I have ever read. Actually, do not click on that article; I think reading it actually causes brain damage. What kind of depraved, sick, twisted individuals would praise Clinton so vehemently? If I were living in Britain, that article would cause me to go out and illegally purchase a firearm out of fear I might one day run into those people. Now, I'm all for freedom of speech, but I hope Britain's equivalent of the FBI are watching the writers at the mirror, because it would not be surprise that someone capable of writing that filth could also be capable of becoming a serial killer.

The election of Clinton to the presidency was a travesty. His reelection was one of the worst incidents in America history, an unremovable stain on the pretty blue dress that is America. If we are to ever really mature as a nation, we must all get together as one people and hang Bill Clinton from the nearest tree we can find. Also, we should burn Hillary at the stake for being either a witch or a communist.

Rating: 1.7/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (1)
Come On; Let's Get Unilateral on Their Asses
Posted by Frank J. at 11:44 AM | Email This

We're still negotiating inspections with Iraq, like we really care about inspections. They're just an excuse to kill Saddam, and I hope we have plenty more excuses if they actually do allow inspections. Worst off, we could just kill Saddam and not have some articulated excuse (I mean, other than the "he's evil and a murderer" which used to work before we all became so "sophisticated").

And what's with this Hans Blix character I'm now hearing about? That sounds like the name of a cartoon cat. I can't believe that the grand and powerful United States is waiting on someone named Hans Blix. Let's just drop an anvil on him and get in gear.

And then there's the Democrats (I think they're not interested in the security of the American people). Gebhardt said, "We don't want to do something alone, or with one other country, and bypass the U.N. and then, three years from now, have China or India or Russia or somebody else say, 'You did it, we can do it.''' Little heads up to those countries: you aren't' the only superpower. You can't use our excuses. And one of you - and I'm looking at China - are evil and have an illegitimate government, so you frankly aren't allowed to do anything without getting our permission first.

And the Sen. Carl Levin warned how military leaders think that Iraq will be more likely to use WMD's if we attack without a coalition. That's dumb on so many levels. First of all, we're to believe that military people talked to a Democrat. Military people hate Democrats because all they do is whine and take away funding from the military (if the military had funding, that would help with the security of the America people, and the Democrats aren't interested in that). And, Iraq is rational enough to know that the threat difference between America by itself and America with France behind it is infinitesimal.

I say leave inspection in Iraq to archeologist two thousand years in the future.

Rating: 2.2/5 (14 votes cast)

October 03, 2002
Link of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 11:57 PM | Email This

Misha has made the switch to MoveableType and now resides at nicedoggie.net, and, in celebration, has declared himself emperor. Perhaps soon I will have to succumb to peer pressure and make the move as well.

Rating: 2.3/5 (15 votes cast)

This Would Be an Even Better Idea If Their Literacy Rate Wasn't 58%
Posted by Frank J. at 12:55 PM | Email This

Did I miss something, or are we still not bombing Iraq? I was thinking I just missed it in the news, because it sure as hell doesn't make any sense to me those guys aren't toast yet. I mean, what are my tax dollars paying for? And don't tell me it's poor people.

What I hear the U.S. is doing is dropping leaflets to scare the bajeebus out of the Iraqis so they won't even try fighting back. They explain how, if they try anything, we'll kill them just like we killed their friends. It's a timeless message, but I think we could do better. These guys are pretty ignorant, so we might as well just make stuff up too so we'll be even scarier to them. Here's what my leaflet would say:

"Do not lock your radar on our planes or fire at them. We can easily tell when someone does this, and thus you will be instantly killed. Our planes are top secret, so do not look at them. We have sophisticated technology to tell if someone is looking at our planes, and you will be instantly killed. Do not listen to the sounds our planes make when we fly by - that is also top secret. Make sure to cover your ears when we fly by, or your head will explode. Our new policy is that every time we fly by Iraqis, we will fire one of our anti-anti-American missiles. It can tell when someone is thinking bad things about America and seek them out and kill them. So, if you think a plane is coming towards you or you see something in the air - even if you're sure it's just a bird - always immediately drop straight to the ground, curl up in a ball, close your eyes, cover your ears, and start thinking about how great America is or you will be instantly killed."

My other idea is to make the leaflet look like one of those humorous Hallmark cards. On the outside it would say, "We wanted to tell you how great America is and convince you that Saddam is evil and that you should turn against him..." and then on the inside it would say, "but we decided it was easier to just lace this card with deadly poison."

Rating: 2.4/5 (22 votes cast)

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Frank Saves the Democrats
Posted by Frank J. at 08:04 AM | Email This

Gore now gave another tirade on the economy, and you can almost hear all the top Democrats cringing. The guy is such dead weight and completely unelectable now, but he'll probably win the primary in 2004 because the Democrats' base is total firck'n idiots. Hey, the Democrats dug their own grave when they decided that was the kind of people they were going to court. Sure drooling morons are great for mobilizing in the general election (even thought a good number of them disenfranchise themselves by going at a punch ballot like a hyperactive monkey), but the Democrats could really use open primaries so that Republicans can save them from themselves like they did with McKinney. The other option is the Torricelli bait and switch, but you have to get the candidate to take himself off the ballot, and Gore is so much a loon that he could be 80 percentage point behind and he'll still be convinced he'll win. So what options are left for the Democrats? Simple, discredit Gore in a way even the stupid can understand. Next time Gore gives a speech, one of the other Democratic hopefuls should walk up to him right in the middle of it and bitch slap him. Who's going to vote for Gore after he's been bitch slapped in front of everyone? And the Democrat who does it will look like a real leader. Hell, I'll switch party registration myself and vote for him. Yeah, you heard me right, and I'll honor that even if it's Daschle who does the deed. Not Hillary, though; I assume she's already done it before, anyway.

Rating: 2.2/5 (22 votes cast)

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October 02, 2002
Link of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 10:47 PM | Email This

Lynxx Pherrett has a nice summary of the arguments about assassination, plus he ends with a very good point of why assassination isn't as big a threat to America as it is to a dictatorship.

Rating: 2.6/5 (20 votes cast)

Somehow I Knew New Jersey Would Eventually Be the End of Us All
Posted by Frank J. at 06:18 PM | Email This

So, if Democrats succeed in replacing Torricelli with Lautenberg on the New Jersey ballot, will this totally destroy our political system leading to complete chaos, the forests burning, the oceans boiling, and the end of life as we know it? Yes, but here's what will happen before then. Immediately, primaries will be shelved since now political parties can switch candidates at will. There will be no reason to do positive ad campaigns, since the candidate being built up could suddenly be swapped at any moment; thus, all ads will be negative. Of course, as soon as a negative ad comes out, the subject of it will be immediately swapped with someone else thus nullifying the ad. Instead, ads will just attack random members of the other party, just in case anyone of them may end up as the actual candidate. Parties will then start switching the candidates to random people registered to their party, and then you shouldn't be surprised if you see a negative ad against yourself. "Bob Johnson doesn't mow his lawn often enough and looks funny, so don't vote Republican or you might be voting for Bob Johnson." As the election nears, candidates will be switched at even faster rates so as to really throw off the other party. Probably some advanced computer algorithm will be used such that candidates will be changed at a rate of one billion times a second. The actual ballot will just say "Unnamed Republican" and "Unnamed Democrat", and it will be near random chance who will actually be the candidate when the election ends. Of course, we'll probably never reach the election end, as neighbor will turn against neighbor, brother against brother, son against father, dog against cat, as, at any moment, they could be candidates running against each other. Violence will erupt, families will collapse, and soon American society itself will be destroyed. And, when America is gone, you know it will only be hours before the rest of the world destroys itself from lack of America's kind guidance. The damn, dirty apes will then take their chance to conquer the humans and make us their slaves, forcing us to toil day and night in their underground banana mines, with the only thing for any human to look forward being their sweet, sweet death. And all of this so New Jersey voters can have a "choice" this election. God, I'm beginning to hate that word.

Rating: 2.4/5 (30 votes cast)

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Are You with America, or Are You with Iraq and the Monkeys?
Posted by Frank J. at 01:13 PM | Email This

The president has reached an agreement with the House on an Iraq attack, though Senate Democrats are still opposed since the current wording shows interest in the security of the American people, something of which they are vehemently against. Right now, all it says is that before starting a war Bush has to certify that he had no other option than force (like anyone really cares), and then every couple months he has to give a report to Congress saying something like, "Still kill'n Iraqis."

In the dog and pony show that some people call the U.N., France and Russia still need some convincing. China says they'll abstain from the vote since they're evil and there government is illegitimate. Good for them. Of course, the vote doesn't matter since we're going to go attack Iraq anyway, but, if they don't want to come along, more cheap oil for us (this war is all about oil, if you didn't know; don't let anyone outside of the right-wing conspiracy find that out, though).

There were some protestors outside the front gate of the White House, and, giving further evidence that protestors of the war with Iraq have thought processes similar to monkeys, one climbed to the top of the gate. She was arrested, but, because she came back down on the outside of the fence, she avoided a felony charge. Good to know. Next time I'm in D.C., if I see a protestor climbing the fence, I'll have to remember to throw a rock at him to knock him down on the other side. I'll just tell the police, "I thought a monkey was going to attack the president." We'll all have a good laugh and then the guy will be sent to prison for a long long time, which is also funny.

Rating: 2.6/5 (25 votes cast)

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The 'ole Bait and Switch
Posted by Frank J. at 08:17 AM | Email This

The Donks are trying to get Frank Lautenberg's name on the ballot in place of Torricelli. Republicans are crying foul, saying they should have replaced him a long while ago if they wanted to do this, but the Democrats claim that they didn't realize until now that the public wouldn't elect a total scumbag. Frankly, they said, it was a bit of a shock, and they felt misled. When the Dems announced their plan, Lautenberg gave a little speech and sounded like a confused old man they just woke up as he ineptly strung together a bunch of Democrat cliches.

"We will fight against the... uh... my opponent... who want to stop us from... uh... aborting... uh... starving children..."

Someone get the man his pills!

The absentee ballots with Torricelli's name on it have already been sent to military personnel overseas, but the Democrats don't think that should be a problem since they can just throw them out like they did in Florida. To be on the safe side with their scheme, though, they're also trying to disenfranchise anyone with a high school education.

I just remembered: my dad voted for Torricelli back in 1996 (protest vote against Republican Dick Zimmer for his over the top negative ads). I should call home and make fun of him.

Rating: 2.8/5 (18 votes cast)

October 01, 2002
Link of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 10:20 PM | Email This

Does the U.S. Navy's new sonar cause whales to beach? I think it would be kind of cool if it did, but Bill Herbert says no.

Rating: 2.4/5 (19 votes cast)

Red Dot Diplomacy
Posted by Frank J. at 06:36 PM | Email This

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Ari Fleischer mentioned in a press conference how things would be cheaper and easier if Saddam were just assassinated. Now that's good policy to me: We don't like someone, we kill the mo'fo'. Why go into some full scale war when its just one bastard we don't like? It's so simple, of course the Euro-weenies will throw a hissy-fit if we do it; I'm almost convinced they like things complicated with lots of people dying. You're probably now saying, "Well, then let's assassinate the whole lot of them. That will teach them to be European." Yes, but, when you assassinate lots of people, it kinda loses its charm. The more compassionate idea is to just freak the hell out of them. When we want to assassinate some evil dictator, we wait until inevitably a European leader goes to appease him, and blow the dictators brains out just as they're shaking hands. That will put the fear of God in them, and, more to the point, the fear of America.

Anyway, when the U.S. government gets serious on this assassinate Saddam thing, they have my e-mail. My rates for heads of state are a bit higher, but I will give a patriotic discount. Frank's gots to eat, though, and he likes the prime rib.

Rating: 2.7/5 (24 votes cast)

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The Sky is Un-Falling
Posted by Frank J. at 11:52 AM | Email This

They say the hole (or thinning, to be more exact) in the ozone over Antarctica is now shrinking, but I never understood why to care much about it. For a long while, they played this up as some huge threat, so I was all like, "Let's threaten to bomb the Antarcticans if they don't cut down their CFC usage," but then I found out all that's there are penguins and scientists. I don't know what they did to make that hole, but, as long as the hole stays over Antarctica, who cares. The only ones who will be getting skin cancer are birds so stupid they can't even fly and scientists so unliked that they were banned to Antarctica. To hell with them all, I say.

And, in attempt to head off my arch-nemesis Scott Ott, check out ScrappleFace for a related parody.

Rating: 2.6/5 (19 votes cast)

I'm Strong to the Finish, 'Cause I Drinks Me Guinness; I'm Frank J. the Blogging Man (toot) (toot)
Posted by Frank J. at 07:10 AM | Email This

Polish President Aleksander Kwasniewski has threatened to boycott Guinness if Ireland doesn't join the EU (thanks to Amish Tech Support for the Link). This seems like a hollow threat, because I can't imagine a EUnik drinking Guinness on account of it being a man's beer. That dark, black liquid would be too scary for the average whiny European; a Frenchman would probably surrender if a pint were placed in front of him. And what does Ireland need from the EU anyway when they already have Guinness? Just ask yourself what would you rather have...

...close association with all European countries or a pint of Guinness?
...a stable, widely accepted currency or a pint of Guinness?
...national security or a pint of Guinness?
...the respect and admiration of France or a half ounce of Guinness?

I think the answer to each of those is pretty obvious, and it's not alcoholism - it's national pride!

Rating: 2.5/5 (31 votes cast)

Comments (2) | Best of IMAO 2002

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