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November 30, 2002
In My World: Dead Man Jeffords Slams Bush's Environmental Record
Posted by Frank J. at 05:47 PM | Email This

"The Bush administration has continued its pattern of sacrificing our environment to the demands of special interests," said Sen. James Jeffords in the Democrats' weekly radio response as he tried to ignore the grim specter of death that floated above him.

"This year the power industry is getting a nice Christmas gift..." Jeffords continued, stopping momentarily as he was transfixed by the ghost's glowing red eyes. He forced himself to look away. "...the biggest weakening of the Clean Air Act in history."

"You betrayed the Republican party," the wraith said, it's words seeming to echo within Jeffords’ own head, "You handed the majority to the Democrats." It floated closer to Jeffords, setting itself inches before Jeffords’ quivering face. "But now the Republicans will have the majority again, and I am here... for you!"

"I made a decision based on my conscience!" Jeffords screamed, and then realized he was still on the air. "Hopefully, moderates in both parties can do what we've done before," he said as he glanced at a book he bought about Japanese ritual suicide. "Do I really have to disembowel myself before my eldest son cuts off my head?" he wondered aloud before he was finally cut off the air.

When the White House was asked for a response, president Bush's press secretary Ari Fleischer refused to give one, saying it was pointless since "dead men do not speak."

On whether there would be a backlash against Jeffords when the Republicans take the majority in the Senate, Fleischer said, "Are you reporters all retarded? Of course we'll seek vengeance. We have a mandate from the people to hand out punishment to all our enemies. He is going to wish he was never elected to public office. Originally, we were going to have Trent Lott beat him up on the floor of the Senate until the president pro tempore would finally yell, “Finish him!” Then Lott would rip Jeffords head out along with his spine and hold it up for a nice photo op and warning to all other potential Judases. Unfortunately, we found out we would need a two-thirds majority in the Senate to do that. Instead, we'll find a slow torture for him, one that will make decapitation seem merciful." He then laughed manically, shouted, "No more questions from you fools!" and then pulled his cloak around him before storming away.

Rating: 1.9/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (15) | In My World
November 28, 2002
Giving Thanks
Posted by Frank J. at 12:07 PM | Email This

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I have a lot to be thankful for this year, and I'm especially thankful for all my readers. You really make writing this blog an enjoyable experience.

I would also like to offer my condolences to Israel. You've put up with more than any country should ever have to, and you've done it with unbelievable temperance and restraint. You truly are the definition of a civilized a nation. My prayers are with you.

Rating: 1.4/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (4)
November 27, 2002
"Our Filtering Software is So Effective that Three People are Dead!"
Posted by Frank J. at 08:52 AM | Email This

Just because we got Iraq, North Korea, and assorted t'rists to kick around, we can't forget the big Commie evil still out there: China. Amnesty International took a break from protesting the execution of child murderers so they could actually expose some real injustice, finding that thirty-three people have been imprisoned in China for doing nothing more than expressing their opinions online. Two have died in custody. That's murder in my book, but we can't just storm in there and rightfully execute all the government officials involved because of a little thing called "diplomacy." Goddamn diplomacy.

What we can do is not help the Commie bastards. According the report, technologies from such companies as Websense, Sun Microsystems, Cisco Systems, Nortel Networks, and Microsoft were used to filter content and track down dissidents. Now, I'm all for capitalism (I'll beat the crap out of anyone who doubts it) but there are some moral responsibilities American companies need to follow. They know if they sell software to evil Commies, those Commies are going to turn around and use that software for Commie evil - the sort of evil that leaves people dead. I know if I had a software company, and the Chi-Coms came to me for software, I'd just kick them square in the nuts, say, "Screw you, you Commie bastards," and toss them right out of the building. Real American companies should shun business that helps Commies, and instead work on software that fights filtering and helps dissidents remain anonymous. If your company can't make a product that actually kills Commies, then at least make stuff that frustrates them.

Rating: 2.0/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (10)
November 26, 2002
In My World: White House Scoffs at Daschle Criticism of Radio Commentators
Posted by Frank J. at 08:41 AM | Email This

Taking issue with Democratic Sen. Tom Daschle, the White House spokesman said Monday it's not right to compare violent religious fundamentalists overseas to American commentators who sound off on the air.

"For one thing, when we come after Daschle, we're not going to do something retarded thing like blow ourselves up," said President Bush's press secretary, Ari Fleischer. "Plus, our beating of him will have nothing to do with religion and everything to do with him being a slimy weasel."

When asked if the White House condemned anyone who would threaten Sen. Daschle and his family, Fleischer responded, "That would be quite hypocritical since I myself have threatened Daschle and his family on many occasions. Once, I killed his cat and placed it in a shoebox with a letter telling him he was next. The President believes in the Constitutional right to threats, and he will kill the household pets of anyone who would threaten that right to threats."

On the topic of whether there was any sympathy for Daschle and his plight, Fleischer remarked, "Aww, the po' wittle Daschle doesn't like people to say mean things to him on the radio. Why don't I get the baby his bottle? Seriously, though, I want Daschle to know that, if he brings up this topic again, I will harm him and his family."

A reporter then asked if making such threats against Daschle was actually legal. Fleischer casually produced a baseball bat from behind the podium and the question was withdrawn.

When asked for comment, Daschle hid behind his chair in his office and started crying. Despite reporters threatening him and his family, the only statement they were able to get from him was, "I want my mommy!"

Rating: 1.2/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (8) | In My World
Let's Just Say I've Had Better Sodas
Posted by Frank J. at 08:09 AM | Email This

While the Vanilla Coke made sense to me, I couldn't really see the point of combining berry flavors and Pepsi as they supposedly did for Pepsi Blue. Still, I consumed (most of) a 20 oz. bottle and was thus inspired to try out my marketing skills by coming up with some slogans for it:

"Disgusting... with a refreshing kick!"

"It's like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is vomiting."

"Ever wonder why no one made a blue soda before? Now you know."

"Not to be taken internally."

"Four out of five people chose it over Windex in a blind taste test."

"The taste that will make you envy the dead."

"Might as well drink it all since disposal down the drain violates EPA regulations."

"We don't know how this got through marketing either."

"Diet version is not available due to classification as a chemical weapon."

"One sip and you'll know there is no God."

Rating: 2.6/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (44) | Best of IMAO 2002
November 25, 2002
War! Huh! What Are We Waiting For? Absolutely Nothing! (say it again)
Posted by Frank J. at 09:03 AM | Email This

I just went through the "It's a Small World" ride at Disney World this morning, and there was still a part with little Iraqi kids singing along. What gives? I thought we would have annihilated that country by now. Ends up that we're waiting on an inspection team to find a "material breach" before we can give the g'damn Iraqis an extended weapons demo. Yes, our hopes of war rest on someone named Blix. Iraq keeps saying that this whole inspection thing is just a pretext to attack them, and I'm like, "Finally; someone is talking some sense." So do the Iraqis then know when we give up with the pretext and finally attack them, because I would really appreciate it if they told me. And they should make sure the rascally Blix knows it's all a pretext, too, because I'm not sure if he got that memo. He may actually be waiting to try and find some WMD's which the Iraqis have had plenty of time to hide. Well, just in case we can't find anything substantial, I've come up with a list of excuses for war with Iraq we can tell the U.N.

Top Ten Excuses for War with Iraq

10. They say that war is good for the economy, and the Iraqi economy could really use some improvement.

9. Though we didn't find any actual evidence of biological weapons, it sure does smell funny there.

8. Not having a 'u' follow Iraq's 'q' is a violation of international spelling laws.

7. If our Marines don't get to kill people soon, they're going to suffer bouts of depression.

6. We want to steal their oil and keep it for ourselves, and there's not a goddamn thing any of EUnuchs can do about it. Muh-ha ha ha ha!

5. Iraq's army has more bushy mustaches than is allowed by the Geneva Convention.

4. Though we can't prove they have any ties to terrorism, we have direct evidence of them funding the "Anna Nicole Smith Show."

3. They're mean.

2. We have never heard that Edwin Starr song and are thus unaware of the futility of war.

And the number one excuse for going to war with Iraq...

We're America; we don't need excuses.

Rating: 2.0/5 (28 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Best of IMAO 2002
November 24, 2002
If They Really Want to Help Stop Terrorism, Why Won't They Let Us Kill Them?
Posted by Frank J. at 07:17 PM | Email This

You've probably heard about how Princess Haifa al-Faisal may have helped finance the Sept. 11th terrorists. While most seem to believe she didn't do it knowingly, Suadi Arabia has not been known to be forthcoming about their monetary support of terrorists. This is why I suggest we finally change our "Don't Kill Saudis" policy to a "Kill Lot's of Saudis" policy. Now, I'm not talking about having a war with Saudi Arabia, of course, but I am suggesting that maybe we should send out an "investagatory" barrage of cruise missiles at them. Perhaps that will turn up some new information, but we can also try an "inquisitive" seizure of their oil fields and have a series of "fact-finding" assassination of Saudi princes. The Saudis say they are eager to help with our fight against terrorism, so I'm sure they'll die quickly without much fuss.

Rating: 1.7/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (8) | Best of IMAO 2002
Movie Reviews: Die Another Day and Enemy at the Gates
Posted by Frank J. at 01:10 PM | Email This

I just saw the new Bond move Die Another Day, and it kicked ass. It had everything one expects from a good movie: gunfights, explosions, cool cars, neat gadgets, hot women, and humorous one liners when a bad guy is killed. This time Bond fights the evil North Koreans just like we're going to do in real life, but, in the movie, they have a super space laser. Of course, that's too much for some Brit to take on by himself, so he teams up with an American NSA agent played by Halle Berry. By the end of the movie, all the bad people are dead, so it's a very happy ending. It's not up to par with Goldfinger (then again, what is) but definitely one of the better Bond movies.

I also just saw Enemy at the Gates on DVD. It was really cool with snipers putting bullets through each other's eyes while everything is getting bombed around them. The only problem is that the movie was about the Nazis and Commies fighting over Stalingrad, so who the hell are you going to root for? That's like having to choose between evil and eviler. To really get into a move, I had to have a side I liked, instead I was supposed to sympathize with the Commie sniper over the Nazi sniper. What could have made the movie much better, is, right after the Commie sniper, after losing many friends and nearly his own life, finally defeats the well trained Nazi sniper who was out to kill him, you suddenly hear a second gun shot and he falls dead. The camera then pans over to show Patton was standing right behind him with a pistol. He exclaims, "Take that, you goddamn Commie!" and then American troops swarm the area killing both sides. That would be so cool. Note to Hollywood: I am available for rewrites in the future.

Rating: 2.6/5 (28 votes cast)

Comments (6)
November 22, 2002
He Has a Koran; Don't Make Any Sudden Movements!
Posted by Frank J. at 06:10 PM | Email This

The rioting in Nigeria would be funny if it weren't for so many people being killed. One guy makes a mild statement about Mohammed - one that's meant as a compliment - and the Muslims in Nigeria act like hornets who had their nest shaken - really murdeous and dumb hornets, I mean (I don't want to insult all the decent hornets out there). I swear, if I see one person commenting on this saying that "Islam means peace," I'm going to hunt him down and smack him.

Anyway, a comment I read in this article caught my eye. The President of Nigeria, Olusegun Obasanjo, said, "The beauty queens should not feel that they are the cause of the violence. It could happen at any time irresponsible journalism is committed against Islam."

My first reaction was to ridicule him, because basically he was saying that Muslims are such a bunch of murderous retards that one writing an article would have to expect a riot like this. Then, thinking about it more, I wondered if he is right. Have years of these people being exposed to idiotic teachings by their "religious" leaders corrupted their brains so much that one can't expect them to show simple human decency and reason? Perhaps encountering a Muslim should be treated like encountering a dangerous animal; avoid eye contact and speak in a soft tone so as not to upset it. Maybe it's safer to leave one's child alone with a pit bull instead of alone with a believer of Islam because those Muslims can suddenly snap at any moment.

All I know is that we don't have Muslims rioting in America and burning down churches, and God knows we wouldn't put up with that crap. Hell, despite a few sleeper cells, I bet America has the nicest Muslims in the world; then again, America is the best at everything worth being good at.

Rating: 2.1/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (19)
The Best Solutions Are the Simplest Ones
Posted by Frank J. at 08:47 AM | Email This

North Korea has declared the 1994 agreement "void" since we have cut off shipments of fuel oil to them since they violated the 1994 agreement by making nuclear weapons because they thought we were mean to them.

Just nuke them.

Come on, why the hell should America have to deal with this crap? We got nukes, so let's use them. We have more important things to deal with than diplomacy with a dictatorship that makes four year olds look like rational actors. And it's not like we're going to miss all of North Korea's excellent exports. Actually, the more I think about it, there isn't one good reason not to nuke them. They're potentially volatile and of no use to us, so they are the perfect candidate for a nuclear strike. Plus, we already have nukes, so it won't cost us a thing. If other countries don't like our assertive foreign policy approach, Bush can blame it on them.

"I wanted to come up with a diplomatic solution, but you people are always making fun of the way I speak and I just got too nervous to talk with North Korea. Only option left was a tactical nuclear strike... did I say 'nuclear' right?"

And, if they really start complaining, we can remind those weren't our only nukes.

Rating: 2.5/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (6)
November 21, 2002
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 09:24 PM | Email This

My archnemesis Scrappleface reports on a solution to suicide bombings that hopefully will work.

I was very good at about every subject in school except for geography. The Emperor doesn't think that matters.

Eugene Volokh has found a handy new Latin phrase. Plus, he found there was an all-female Texas Supreme Court in 1925. I guess the women's movement peaked early.

John Hawkins has learned that the gay, black vote is now going Republican and that's it's driving the Democratic Underground crazy.

Finally, Camille has tips on dieting. Some reason I find them really interesting even though currently my youthful metabolism keeps me thin no matter what I eat. I hear it will break down one day, but I might as well enjoy the ride while it lasts.

Rating: 2.4/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Just When You Thought the Donks Couldn't Get Any Whinier...
Posted by Frank J. at 08:07 AM | Email This

Serial whiny bitch Daschle says he's been getting threats because people are saying mean things about him. Rush Limbaugh and others in talk radio have been pointing out what a slimy weasel Daschle is, and he claims this lead to threats against him and his family - though he wouldn't elaborate. So let’s never criticize Daschle about his politics again, because he may get scared and cry, okay? Seriously, my guess is that it's from other Democrats upset about the losses, but what would a threat from a Democrat sound like? "Resign now or I'll slap you silly!" Then again, which of you aren’t thinking of punching Daschle right now? Be honest. That’s right; after hearing him whine like this, about everyone wants to smack him. It’s just a natural, human response.

The Democrats are such a bunch of peacenik complainers that I don't know how any man could ever admit to being one. Actually, the way things are going, I bet by the end of this decade it will be more insulting to one's manhood to imply they’re a Democrat than to imply they're gay. At school, one kid will call another kid a "Kennedy voter" and a fight will break out. People will say in hushed whispers, "I think Steve may be... uh... how do I put this... 'friends with the donkeys'... not that there's anything wrong with that!"

Democrats just better not start asking for special rights.

Rating: 2.3/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Best of IMAO 2002
November 20, 2002
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 10:38 PM | Email This

Kim du Toit's gratuitous gun pic today is of the Skorpion (the Klobb for those who played Goldeneye for the N64). This gun is a bit of a sore subject for me. The lobby scene in The Matrix was one of the greatest pieces of art ever made - nearly perfect except for one part. You see Neo clearly firing two Skorpions, but then they cut to his feet and you see rifle casings hitting the ground. I know it's a virtual world, but a Skorpion firing rifle rounds? Come on!

Michele, The Most Hawkish and Blood-Hungry Blogger, fell for an internet hoax (a really good one). The complaint about the Real Ultimate Power site causing violence does seem credible, though, because I visited that webpage a while ago and it got me so pumped I nearly kicked my mom in the face. It was totally sweet.

Speaking of humor sites, Joanne Jacobs pointed out this one. Sally and Johnny are white, yet black people totally love them. It's crazy!

I haven't complained about us not attacking Iraq for over a day now, so instead go to Empire of Man for a quick rant.

The Carnival of the Vanities is up.

Rating: 2.4/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Finding Terrorists Too Scary, Canadians Attack Frank
Posted by Frank J. at 08:33 PM | Email This

I know many of you come to IMAO to hear the opinion of a real American on the important issues of today, but do you ever wonder what a Canadian thinks? No, it's never crossed my mind either, but Glenn from Canada left this comment to a previous post (comment is slightly edited to remove objectionable content and for fun):

Why doesn't America bomb the f--k out of the whole word and get it over with, eh ... cause then your desire to kill will mean you will have to kill Americans. and you will do it. and wouldn't that be a treat, eh? oh, i'm sorry, you already do kill each other on a daily basis. my thanks to the beltway sniper for all the laughs. one suggestion though for the future, don't kill american adults, kill the children so they won't breed, eh.

He then repeated his comment in French as required by law.

Now, though I have wrote a short history of Canada, I'm no expert on Canadians. I'm not even really sure where their country is; I mean, they're never in the news or seemed particularly significant, so I never bothered to learn anything about them. I believe it’s a squalid dictatorship like many countries that aren't kick ass like the U.S., and the people are thus fed anti-Americanism to distract them from their own problems. Bombing them would only feed into this anti-Americanism, but any other solution would involve not bombing them and I just don't think that's morally right.

Incidentally, I just read Jonah Goldberg’s cover article of the latest National Review which is all about how Canada is completely useless and that invading them would do them some good. Everyone should give it a look-see, especially Glenn.

Rating: 2.9/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (11)
The Homeland Will Be Secure When Our Enemies Are All Dead
Posted by Frank J. at 09:14 AM | Email This

Despite Democrat's utter contempt for the safety of the American people, the Homeland Security Bill has been passed. I'm too lazy to read anything about it and thus develop an opinion on it, but here are some provisions I hope are in it:

*Makes it clear that the Muslim tradition of murdering infidels is no longer a protected form of religious expression.

*Since many terrorists get in through Canada, all of Canada will be mined. As an extra precaution, anyone ending a sentence in "eh?" will be immediately shot.

*Panama will be nuked to create a larger gap between peaceful North America and the dangerous South America.

*Home ownership of firearms will be encouraged by a declaration that anyone who doesn't own a gun is a "pussy."

*Anyone excited about Gore running for the presidency will be placed on a watch list. Gore himself will be placed in a solitary confinement in a sound proof room composed entirely of plastic just in case he has powers like Magneto or plans on speaking again.

*Since vast national forests are a good place for terrorists to hide, they will be infested with ninjas.

*All liberal universities will be bombed. The six remaining universities will be watched carefully.

*It is now illegal to be French.

*Ann Arbor, Michigan will be placed on the list of terrorist nations. U.S. will enforce a regime change if they don't tell us where they're hiding their WMD's.

*Voting for a Democrat is now considered an attack against the nation's security and is classified as an act of treason.

As always, if you have any more suggestions to help national security, put them in the comments section.

Rating: 2.9/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (17) | Best of IMAO 2002
November 19, 2002
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 08:46 PM | Email This

My archnemesis Scrappleface has one of the reasons I'm not scared of the North Koreans and their silly little missiles.

Anna of the Belligerent Bunny Blog thinks James Coburn faked his death like he has before in Our Man Flint.

Do we need more Muslims in the U.S.? We must ask the Emperor...

John Hawkins thinks the Republicans should now make more of an effort to get the black vote. If that happens, there will be pretty much no one left voting for the Donks.

And today is National Ammo Day! Probably should have mentioned that yesterday...

BTW, if anyone could tell me how to get software to set up an online petition, I would greatly appreciate it.

Rating: 3.1/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (6)
No One Should Live Long Enough to "Frequently" Shoot at Us
Posted by Frank J. at 08:21 AM | Email This

I just had a revelation. From this article, I read the paragraph:

The inspectors arrived in the Iraqi capital as allied warplanes bombed Iraqi air defense systems in the northern no-fly zone after the U.S. military said the jets were fired on during routine patrols. Iraq considers such patrols a violation of its sovereignty and frequently shoots at them.

If Iraq frequently shoots at us, why the @#%& do we need any other reason to bomb the crap out of them?! We're the good guys - we're the people who help others around the world - and thus attacking us is proof one is insanely evil and must be destroyed. What we really should have done was obliterate Iraq the second a single radar locked on one of our planes. Otherwise, we give countries the impression they can attack us and only get a lot of people killed instead of everyone killed. Next time we get fired upon, let's not respond immediately and blow up the installations with anti-radar missiles. Instead, let's send some special ops people to follow the soldiers responsible to their homes. After we find out where they live, we destroy those entire cities. That'll learn people that Americans are the good guys, and, that if you cross us, we'll kill you and everyone you care about.

Rating: 2.0/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Best of IMAO 2002
November 18, 2002
North Korea: No Respect
Posted by Frank J. at 09:13 AM | Email This

I have to admit, it is kind of funny how, when Iraq claims to not have WMD's, we're jumping all over them and threatening war, but, when North Korea says it has nuclear weapons, we're like, "Sure you do, North Korea. We believe you, and we're all really scared and threatened too. We have just one question before we start making concessions to you: what kind of cardboard did you use to make your missile." And then we point and laugh at North Korea's funny looking dictator, who starts screaming, "I do to have nuclear missiles! I will kill all you evil imperialists! And then I will... Hey! Stop watching The Simpsons! Be threatened by me!"

North Korea seems to be the most pathetic remaining Communist country. I mean, at least I’ve actually heard of people visiting Vietnam. Even if North Korea has nuclear weapons, they're people are probably so starving that they don't even have enough energy to push the button. Still, they act just like the French trying to pretend they're of some importance in the world. When they found out we had them on a list for nuclear preemptive strikes, they proclaimed we had declared war on them and would respond in kind. Yeah, if we actually had declared war on them, they'd be making their next press release through an ouiji board. I mean, how long could an invasion of North Korea take? An afternoon? They'd all surrender first chance they got so they could get some food. Just bring a box of chicken wings from KFC and I think we could have a bloodless coup.

Rating: 2.4/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (23)
November 17, 2002
Gore-Bot Goes on Rampage
Posted by Frank J. at 06:17 PM | Email This

Gore has been steaming about the election for so long that his circuits have now completely blown, and, like any good robot, he has reverted to his default programming of "kill all humans." In a new article from Time, Gore says that Bush's economic agenda is "catastrophic," his foreign policy "horrible," his environmental stance "immoral." "Destroy! Destroy!" Gore added, flaying his arms wildly.

"Our country is headed for very deep trouble," Gore told Time. "I wish it were not so, but I believe that with all my heart." Gore's heart, BTW, is composed of titanium with rubber tubing. In actuality (that's a pompous way of saying "Actually"; you like it?), Gore's heart contains no logic functions or memory banks, and thus this statement is further evidence of faulty programming.

"I think that our economic plan has zero chance of working. I think that it is wrong at its core," Gore continued, his eyes starting to glow red. "I think that our foreign policy, based on an openly proclaimed intention to dominate the world, is a recipe for getting our country in some of the worst trouble it's ever been in." He then explained how only Gore-bot can dominate the world, and that all who oppose him will be destroyed.

Gore, the Giant Ogre-like Robotic Entity, also said that Bush has compiled the worst economic record since Herbert Hoover. This is interesting, because it was Hoover who commissioned the creations of the Gore-bot. After being rebuffed by the American people, Hoover became obsessed with the world's destruction and thus created the Gore-bot to that end. Most people don't know of Hoover's secret supervillian alter-ego having mistakenly though his secret was that he dressed in woman's clothing when they confused him with J. Edgar Hoover.

Despite the smoke visibly emanating from Gore's ears, 61% of Democrats said they would like to see Gore run for President in 2004. What the article doesn't mention is that 82% of Republicans would also like to see Gore run for president again in 2004, with 10% thinking that would be too cruel to Gore and the remaining 8% fearing he may go on a bloody rampage when he loses again. This is a legitimate fear, as the Gore-bot is bulletproof and could probably only be brought down by some sort of military EMP weapon. This is quite different from most other Democrats who wish to run for president, as they can usually be subdued by a simple bitch-slapping.

Personally, I would not write off the threat of Gore running for president in 2004. I hear that Tipper, his wife/head engineer, is planning to outfit him with rocket launchers and a rail gun. To be on the safe side, Bush should create some sort of cybernetic, exo-skeleton by 2004, and they should speed up converting Cheney into a cyborg. He will be only half-human, but that still infinitely more human than Gore.

Rating: 2.2/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (16) | Best of IMAO 2002
November 16, 2002
As Dumb as They Seem, Apparently They Are Literate
Posted by Frank J. at 11:36 PM | Email This

A correspondent for Al-Jazeera said he has received a six page document threatening more attacks on New York and Washington unless we stop supporting Israel and other governments that "oppress" Muslims. They also called on us to all convert to Islam. There has been no immediate response from Washington; perhaps they're all busy converting to Islam (snicker snicker).

I have a few things to say about this. First off, the threat is six pages long. How the hell can you go on for six pages with a threat? If you're trying to scare people, don't bore them.

Second, why New York and Washington again? We have other cities. Maybe they like some restaurants there.

Thirdly, what's this about not supporting governments that oppress Muslims? That pretty much rules out every government in the Middle East.

Lastly, one thing I like about Christianity is that there are other reasons to be a Christian than avoiding being blown up by Christians. The Muslims, on the other hand, seem to have the "avoid being blown up" reason as their main argument. I know absolutely no other reason to be a Muslim than to steer clear of the wrath of other Muslims, and even that is certainly not a hundred percent effective. If Muslims go door to door like Jehovah Witnesses, I hope they have better reasons, or maybe it is just them shouting, "Convert to Islam or I keeeel you!" and then handing you a pamphlet entitled "The Advantages of Not Being Blown Up by Muslims" and maybe another one called "’Islam Means Peace’ and Other Ironies."

Rating: 2.3/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (7)
November 15, 2002
In My World: "Rumsfeld: Iraqi 'Bastards' Will Be Nuked"
Posted by Frank J. at 05:27 PM | Email This

Rumsfeld said that if the United States goes to war over weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, the American military would move to "finish it fast." When asked to clarify what that means, he said, "We're going to nuke the bastards."

When asked by a reporter if that he meant they would use a nuclear strike against Iraq if WMD's were used on U.S. troops, Rumsfeld replied, "We'll probably claim that's what happened when we nuke them just to calm the nancy boys in Europe, but I'm pretty set on nuking them no matter what. As soon as some Iraqi passes gas near one of our troops, we’ll cry ‘Biological warfare!’ and then nuke the bastards."

He was then asked how they will minimize collateral damage, Rumsfeld immediately started laughing. "Minimize! I want to maximize it! I don't like many of the countries near Iraq and am hoping we can spill some of the carnage into them and just tell them, 'Oops, sorry about that one.' Stupid bastards."

When asked if he was concerned about many innocent people being killed, Rumsfeld stated that the U.S. position is of "complete unconcern" and that "all the bastards have it coming."

"Won't using nuclear weapons cause even greater problems by turning all civilized nations against the U.S.? It almost seems idiotic to settle on using nuclear weapons at this point." said a hysterical reporter who was probably a Commie.

Rumsfeld look extremely perturbed to have his methods questioned. "Know what? I have a problem: my gun has too many bullets in it." He then pulled out a luger and shot the reporter. "There; problem solved."

The French ambassador to America - probably named Pierre - expressed displeasure at the Defense Secretary's "combative" attitude. "We should at least wait until inspections are done before we talk about the possibility of discussing whether or not we will talk about putting war on the table as a possible but unlikely option." The ambassador was then interrupted by automatic gunfire tearing through the embassy's walls. A glance out the window showed that Rumsfeld was the gunman, Rumsfeld giving the startled ambassador the finger before speeding off in his Buick.

Soon after, Bush said he disagreed with Rumsfeld doing a drive-by-shooting of the French embassy, but said, "There is room for all sorts of opinions in my administration."

Rating: 2.5/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (41) | In My World
There Are Many Dumbasses in Florida... in Other Counties than Brevard
Posted by Frank J. at 11:32 AM | Email This

I had commented on this trial earlier, and now the results are in: the gun is 5% liable, the owner of the gun who it was stolen from is liable, the school board is liable, and the punk kid who murdered the teacher is not liable. If some other punk kid hears this decision and tries to commit murder, how liable will this jury be? I say we take all those jury member and lock them in a room with a bunch of armed, un-liable punk kids. (Thanks to Right Wing News for the link)

Rating: 3.3/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (9)
November 14, 2002
Link of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 11:40 PM | Email This

Icchan of Spent Casings has called it quits. I hate to see a good blogger go, but I hope I'll still see his comments from time to time.

Rating: 2.6/5 (15 votes cast)

Let's Bomb France... For Real
Posted by Frank J. at 10:53 PM | Email This

Michele, the most Blood-Hungry blogger, posted in the comments to my last post that we should bomb France. It's a common sentiment among the Hawks, as, since the dawn of time, man has always yearned to bomb the French. Immediately after the successful test flight at Kitty Hawk, Orville Wright's (or was it Wilbur's?) first statement was, "If we could make it fly a bit higher and a bit longer, we could bomb the crap out of France!" Less than seventy years later, America set foot on the moon, but, still, to this day, we have never bombed France. Why is that? Fear of having to deal with French refugees, perhaps? Whatever the reason, one of America's legacies goes unfulfilled… but I say no longer. We should start a grassroots movement to have France bombed by the U.S. military, finally using the internet for something useful instead of just the instant dissemination of porn. I'm willing to set up a new page devoted to lobbying the government to bomb France. On it, we can have essays about why we should bomb France and all the good that will bring to the world. Maybe we can also have poetry about bombing France and drawings by children of Paris getting blown apart. Plus, we can start one of those online signature things like Not In Our Name - except maybe it could be "Please, In Our Name" - allowing people to put their names down in support of bombing France. The signatures and essays can then be sent to members of Congress in a lobbying effort to get an attack underway. So, is there interest? If there is, I would be willing to devote some time to this important project (though I might need some help with the html).

Rating: 3.0/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (384)
No Oil for You!
Posted by Frank J. at 08:10 AM | Email This

The Bush administration has decided to suspend oil shipments to the North Koreans until they dismantle their nuclear weapons program. They already have like no food, but now they won't even be able to drive to McDonalds when they get hungry. We should post our troops all along the North Korean border so they can stand there and point and laugh at the stupid, starving, oil-less Commies.

South Korea and Japan don't want the shipments to be stopped because they want to appease North Korea and not make them mad. Man, it's like all nations other that the U.S. are either violent and evil or whiny little pansy. What America really needs to do to keep its standing in the world is bomb the crap out of a nation that is usually considered an ally. This will drive home the point that, as scary as some nations are out there, we're much scarier and we will hurt you. Don't appease them; appease us.

Rating: 2.8/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (41)
November 13, 2002
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 11:09 PM | Email This

Man, I haven't done this in a while. Must mean there hasn't been anything in the blogosphere worth reading for a week or so. Actually, I've been really busy plus I just got HDTV, so I haven't been able to do as much reading as I used to. Anyhoo...

Empire of Man demonstrates how to generate traffic for someone.

Joshua Ferguson analyzes what the new bin Laden tape could mean for us. He also mentions me. I like it when people mention me.

Dustbury explains why the bull must be killed in bullfighting and who, surprisingly, is to blame.

Finally, Bigwig has a new Carnival of the Vanities up.

Enjoy and God bless.

Rating: 2.8/5 (26 votes cast)

Comments (2)
You Say You Want an Execution
Posted by Frank J. at 09:00 AM | Email This

Hmm, everything is reminding me of Beatles songs now. Anyway, a new tape is evidence that Osama bin Laden is alive and kicking. Hooray! This means we still have an opportunity to capture and execute him in a fitting manner. Here are some of my humble suggestions:

Skeet Shooting: Launch Osama into the air with a catapult. Then shoot him with a patriot missile.

This Execution Sponsored by the NRA: Get massive firing squad. Try to set record for most bullets fired into a single human. First only use sharpshooters to try to set the record for most bullets shot into a person without killing him.

The Sampler: All traditional execution rolled into one. Hung by his neck by a wire that's electrocuting him while a guillotine slices him causing him to fall into a vat of boiling oil. Can also first improperly administer lethal injection (no alcohol swab for him).

Two for One Special: Tie Osama to a cluster bomb. Try and drop it in Iraq such that it kills Saddam. If we can trick Arafat into visiting Saddam before the strike, we can make it a hat trick.

Not by the Hairs of My Chiny Chin Chin: Hang him by his beard over a cage filled with mutant killer pigs. Eventually his whiskers will give and then he'll be ripped apart and eaten by the swine. If I know the religion of Islam (and I don't), his god will then send him to pig hell where pigs run an authoritarian government. Osama will then be forced to work in their underground slop mines for all eternity.

Death by Appeal: America only threatens to execute him. Europeans will then prattle on and on about how horrible and barbaric America. Tie Osama up and force him to listen to everything they say until the brain's defense mechanism kicks in causing it to consume itself.

If anyone has any other ideas, put them in the comments section or e-mail them to your congressperson.

Rating: 2.6/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (37) | Best of IMAO 2002
November 12, 2002
Blogging Karaoke
Posted by Frank J. at 08:16 PM | Email This

Emperor Misha I recently wrote a song, and it inspired me to finally write one that I've been meaning to put together for a while. It's sung to the tune of the Beatles song "All You Need is Love":

Guns, guns, guns. Guns, guns, guns. Guns, guns, guns.

There's nothing you can shoot that can't be shot.
Nothing you can fight that can't be fought.
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to steady your aim
It's easy.

There's nothing you can harm that can't be harmed.
No one you can kill that can't be killed.
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to mount a defense
It's easy.

All you need are guns.
All you need are guns.
All you need are guns, guns.
Guns are all you need.

Guns, guns, guns.
Guns, guns, guns.
Guns, guns, guns.

All you need are guns.
All you need are guns.
All you need are guns, guns.
Guns are all you need.

There's nothing you can load that can’t be reloaded.
Nothing you can see that can’t be sighted.
Nowhere you can be that aren't where you're safe to be.
It's easy.

All you need are guns.
All you need are guns.
All you need are guns, guns.
Guns are all you need.

All you need are guns. (all together now)
All you need are guns. (everybody …or I start shooting)
All you need are guns, guns.
Guns are all you need.

Rating: 3.2/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (7)
In My World: "Iraq Definantly Refuses to Give Opinion on U.N. Resolution"
Posted by Frank J. at 08:35 AM | Email This

Today, the Iraqi parliament was scheduled to vote on whether to accept the U.N. resolution , but, just before the vote, they were all killed by a U.S. bomb attack. This bombing came just hours after Saddam's son — whose voice carries weight in Iraq — was killed by a sniper bullet just as he was about to give his opinion on the resolution.

"This is an outrage," Ari Fleischer told the press with poorly faked anger. "No one in Iraq has yet to even mentioned the U.N. resolution. This is pure defiance, and I think the only solution is to start fire bombing Iraq and the countries near it." He then took a few casual sips from a martini.

"Isn't the reason we haven't heard a decision from Iraq because the U.S. keeps killing anyone who is about to say something about it," asked a reporter just before being jumped on and then pummeled by Fleischer. There were no more questions, though there was some crying.

Saddam is said to soon be giving his decision on the U.N. Resolution, but no exact time table has been given as he is "very scared" and “in need of a new pair of pants.”

"If we do not hear a decision soon," Bush said in a speech from the Whitehouse lawn, "we will have no choice but to kill Arafat."

When asked why Arafat, Bush responded, "Isn't he the leader of Iraq?"

Seeing confused looks from the crowd, he then asked, "So, if I were to kill Arafat in a hail of gun fire in vengeance for him trying to assassinate my father, I'd look kind of stupid?"

Bush then looked agitated. "On an unrelated matter, I need to very quickly make some phone calls." He then turned to leave, but suddenly stopped saying, "Ah, f--k it. I'm going to go play some golf."

Rating: 2.8/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (7) | In My World
November 11, 2002
I'll Get in This Time... THUNK!
Posted by Frank J. at 08:53 AM | Email This

There is a race to fill the post of Minority Leader now that Gebhardt is fleeing with his tail between his legs, and currently Nancy Pelosi is the front-runner, though Harold Ford is trying to challenge her. Now, the first question that comes to mind is, if you saw someone a number of time on TV and didn't know he was black until you read it in an article, is he actually black? The other and more relevant question is will we have to kill Nancy Pelosi just like we did Wellstone? Pelosi is literally a San Francisco Democrat and voted against the war plus - I'm just assuming this - she's a Communist. I don't see how she is supposed to do anything other than marginalize the Democrats even more, but, hey, I'm no political strategist. Still, the Democrats are starting to look like a bird that keeps repeatedly smacking into a glass window; it's a bit pathetic, but it's fun to watch.

Rating: 2.8/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Thanks for Kicking Ass
Posted by Frank J. at 07:45 AM | Email This

Today is veteran's day, and I just want to give thanks to all those in the military. You keep America safe and keep bad countries unsafe alllowing all of us to enjoy the freedoms of the greatest country in the world. I especially want to give a shout out to my brother, Joe foo', who is a Marine plus it's his birthday today. Know I'm proud of you, bro.

Rating: 3.1/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (1)
November 09, 2002
New Agenda
Posted by Frank J. at 10:52 AM | Email This

So, now that Republicans rule the land like Saudi princes, what should be on their agenda? Here are my suggestions:

*New Tax Cuts: I want more money. Cut my taxes!

*Hippie Punching Act: Make beating up hippies a protected form of speech.

*Environmentalists "Piss Off" Act: Make if official government policy, that, whenever environmentalists complain about something, we tell them to piss off.

*Guns! Guns! Guns! Act: Guns everywhere! No limitations on carry. Only nuclear weapons will be defined as "assault weapons." To help the poor, food stamps can now be exchanged for ammo.

*More Tax Cuts: Good try, but you didn't cut taxes enough the first time. Please try again.

*We Hate the French Resolution: Just as English is the language of America though not officially stated as such, hating the French is the stance of the American people though it is not officially written anywhere. Let's make it official.

*Hollywood Promise Keeping Act: All people who said they would leave America if Bush were elected will now be deported.

*Let's Bomb Everyone Act: Every week, new country gets bombed. That will keep them on their toes.

*Reestablish The Committee on Un-American Activities: There are still Commies out there who are not dead. That is wrong.

*Invade San Francisco: We need to invade and recapture San Francisco, changing the regime to one more friendly to America. Must be careful of collateral damage because some good bloggers live there.

*Still More Tax Cuts: Is there anyway I could pay no taxes?

If you have any other ideas, put them in the comments. If they are really good, they will be... uh... read.

Rating: 2.8/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (27) | Best of IMAO 2002
November 08, 2002
I Don't Want to be a Broken Record, But...
Posted by Frank J. at 08:32 AM | Email This

I just listened to the Animaniacs' "Countries of the World" song, and Iraq was still in the lyrics. What gives? Shouldn't it have been destroyed by now? Apparently, the U.S. is still waiting on the U.N. who is just getting to voting on a resolution today. In the resolution, there will first be inspections and then the U.S. will wait for the U.N. to say whether Iraq is a bad boy before we can bomb them back to the stoneage and have Fred Flinstone, loyal American and fervent anti-communist, finish them off. At this rate, Saddam is going to die of old age before we get a chance to kill him, and, in the mean time, he's going to be working on his weapons of mass destruction such as nuclear weapons, biological weapons, and cybernetic ninja monkeys. We have to get to work killing Saddam right now! He's got tons of imposter Saddams we have to kill to make sure we got the real one, so there is no time to waste waiting for France to give the a-okay. Plus, we have other countries to kick the crap out of once we finish Iraq such as North Korea, Iran, Saudia Arabia, and probably some African countries I've never heard of. Let's send in our special forces to wipe out the Iraqis and blow up their buildings and then just call it inspections. Maybe, after wiping out all the people in an area, instead of shouting, "This room is clear," they could say, "This room is inspected." And, if they shoot someone and he doesn't die, they can say, "The Iraqis are not complying with inspections." That should be enough to fool the U.N. people; those guys are pretty dumb, and, as I always suspected, a bit scared of us anyway, so they won't protest.

Rating: 2.6/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Best of IMAO 2002
November 07, 2002
Some Frank Advice for Democrats
Posted by Frank J. at 10:34 PM | Email This

I've been joking about the Democrats being evil and murdering each other, but I think I should be a gracious winner and give them some advice. Obviously the Democratic party needs a major reorganization if they don't want to become completely irrelevant. I don't think they necessarily need a complete change in leadership so much as a change in their focus and how they interact with the president. They certainly shouldn't challenge him on the war unless they really want to marginalize themselves among the American people, but they must came up with a coherent domestic policy to put forth positively instead of just being negative about the Republicans. Also, to get the American people to accept them again, they have to shed their previous image. The best way is kill Bill Clinton in a low-key manner. I'm thinking a car "accident" would be a great idea. They should then have a very dignified but short funeral (you don't want too much reflection on Bill Clinton because you know where that will lead). Then, after he is buried, he should never be mentioned again. I think that will really give the Democrats an opportunity to make a comeback. Also, I would tell them to stop being a bunch of whiny, tax-and-spend, liberal freaks, but I want to give them some advice they might actually follow.

Rating: 2.4/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Hell to Pay for Democrat Failures
Posted by Frank J. at 08:14 AM | Email This

So what happens to the Democrats now? Their leadership certainly isn't happy, and, when I say leadership, I mean those actually in control of the Democratic Party. That's the cabal of the NEA (actually stands for National Evil Association), the unions (i.e., the mafia), the trial lawyers, and Satan himself. And I warn you, the Democrats aren't as dumb as we sometimes pretend; when they kill Daschle before the next election, this time they'll make sure the memorial is a dignified, solemn affair that will give a boost in the polls to the candidate that replaces him. I hear Gebhardt is going to step down from leadership, probably in a ploy to keep from getting killed. Terry McAuliffe, on the other hand, knows there is nothing he can do to save himself and thus has gone into complete denial trying to convince everyone that the election was no big deal. The Democrats will wait a while to eliminate him, letting him cruelly hang there, anticipating. Finally, they will kill him in a way so horrible as to deter others from failure.

Even if we wanted to save these people, there is nothing we can do. All that is left is to pity them and to work to topple the Democratic cabal once and for all. Oh yeah, and lower taxes. First lower my taxes, then fight evil.

Rating: 3.1/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (1)
November 06, 2002
Happy Days Are Here Again
Posted by Frank J. at 08:38 AM | Email This

I believe the edict that all non-Republicans will be rounded up and sent to re-education camps will come within the next twenty-four hours. To all those affected, have fun at camp! Man, the people at the Democratic Underground must be squealing like pigs right now.

The only interesting election I voted in was Jeb Bush versus McBride, and it's not like my vote mattered since Jeb kicked that guy's ass. That's a good thing, because I don't like it when Democrat's win. They want to take my money and give it to poor people and children, and I hate poor people and children and like my money.

The other things I got to vote on were a bunch of amendments to the Florida constitution. If I didn't know much about it, I voted "No," since I decided to be against amending the constitution all willy-nilly. One even mentioned pregnant pigs in it, and, regardless of the merits, I don't want the phrase "pregnant pigs" in the constitution. Another was something about Miami-Dade's name; I really didn't understand it or care. That made me wish that, in addition to the "Yes" and "No" choices, I had an "I don't give a rat's ass" oval to fill in. I'll have to propose that as an amendment next election.

BTW, Carnival of the Vanities 7 is now up. I didn't submit this time since I hadn't blogged much to submit. Hope to change that soon.

Rating: 2.4/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (9)
November 05, 2002
Today I Get the Prestige of Being a Florida Voter
Posted by Frank J. at 08:11 AM | Email This

Still busy as all 'ell, and thus have little time for both blogging and blog reading. Just wanted to remind everyone that today is election day, the day you pick the candidate you think will best kill all of America's enemies. Just remember, everytime someone votes for a Democrat, baby Jesus cries.

Rating: 2.0/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (10)
November 04, 2002
It's Monday and I'm Angry
Posted by Frank J. at 08:09 AM | Email This

The Saudis say we can't use their bases for an attack; let's kill them. Sorry, I don't have anything clever to say, I’m just tired of hearing about the Saudis and thus want them dead. Let's have our troops drag out all the princes into the street and shoot them. Let's kill their children too, just to make sure we're done with these people. And let's hang their pet monkeys as well (heh heh, look at him struggle not to get hung; he thinks he's people).

Sure, the world will complain about how we're being "hegemonic" - whatever the hell that mean. So here's the catch, let's then tell them, "Come to think of it, we don't want to use these bases." Everyone will ask why we killed the Sauds, so we'll answer ominously, "Because they were there." Then we'll leave Saudi Arabia, but first we'll set fire to the oil fields while all of us in the states convert to solar power just to prove this wasn't about oil but instead was pure and simple American vengeance.

Rating: 2.6/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (9)
November 02, 2002
Moving Heavy Things Makes Frank Tired
Posted by Frank J. at 10:35 PM | Email This

Both I and my computer are both sitting on the floor in my new digs right now. I just came on the internet to see if my cable modem is working and if anything major has happened. I haven't been on the internet or seen the news for about 24 hours now, so I don't know anything new to blog about. I guess I could just talk about the same old same old like how we should kill the Palestinians and the Iraqis and the hippies, but, for all I know, they finally took my advice and did kill them all.

I found out that Empire of Man is offering to give me all his votes in Daily Pundit's Most Hawkish and Blood-Hungry contest, plus makes a good argument of why I should win. He has a great idea there, and I think everyone else should give me their votes too so then I can be a contender. It's a bit of a dirty trick, but, hell, the contest is for most blood-hungry. So, if you have a good number of votes, but it doesn't look like you will win, tell Bill Quick you want to give all your votes to me. Together we can all be winners... but especially me.

UPDATE: I just found out that, while I wasn't paying attention to the news, Bill Clinton snuck down here into Florida. I'm sorry I let that happen. Any other Florida bloggers wish to join me in a posse to chase him back out of the state?

Rating: 2.4/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (22)
November 01, 2002
Quiet, Arafat is Giving Us Advice
Posted by Frank J. at 06:39 PM | Email This

Arafat warned the U.S. that the attack on Iraq could lead to a catastrophe in the Middle East. I think the proper response to that should be to empty a semi-automatic handgun into his chest and sneer, "Thanks for the opinion."

Why is that man still alive?

Hell, why are lots of Palestinians still alive? The U.S. should finally stick up for Israel and allow them to go door-to-door killing all the Palestinians that they think give off a “terrorist vibe.” Some may say that's genocide, to which the U.S. would respond, "No it isn't, because we told Israel they have to leave some alive."

Okay, I admit it. I'm not blood-hungry. I don't want to murder all the Palestinians; maybe just 80%... 85% tops. I hope you all will still respect me as a blogger.

Rating: 1.9/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Best of IMAO 2002
 

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