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December 23, 2002
In My World: Wussy, Whiny Liberal Powell Asks for Mercy for America's Enemies
Secretary of State Colin Powell has declared a few days ago that Iraq was in a "Material Breach," seemingly indicating America's willingness to go to war. When asked further about the issue, he said, "Obviously, there is a practical limit to just how long you can go down the road of non-cooperation," and then added, "Though I don't match the bellicose nature of some of my colleagues," probably referring to Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. "The suggestion that we capture our Iraqi enemies and then force them to watch their wives and children be burned alive in their own homes before we then torture the Iraqis to death is just too extreme. I don't see any reason why the wives and children of our enemies can't just be smothered to death and then a video tape then shown to the Iraqi before torturing commences."
Rumsfeld was outraged by the suggestion. He first paused to vomit in disgust at the mention of Colin Powell's name and then shouted at the reporters, "That weak-kneed, whiny liberal! Why don't we just take America's enemies and buy them a room at the Hilton? He should be branded a traitor for suggesting such mercy. I don't know why Bush hired that pinko. I swear I'll kick Bush's ass next time I see him, and don't think his Secret Service will stop me. They do rigorous psychological tests before hiring those people, so you can be sure that they're all sane and thus scared of me."
A reporter then asked Rumsfeld’s opinion on Trent Lott's statements and the change in Republican leadership. Rumsfeld produced a luger from under his coat and shot the reporter. He then also shot the reporter behind him.
"Let this be a lesson to you!" Rumsfeld announced, "If you ask me a question that doesn't involve war with Iraq, I will kill you and the reporter next to you."
President Bush seemed unconcerned with the feud between his two cabinet members. "The reason I hired them was for a diversity of opinions. On one hand, I have the laughable opinion of an annoying, useless liberal, and, on the other hand, I have that balanced by the opinion of a psychotic war monger who wants nothing more than to hurt me."
In response to Rumsfeld's threats, Bush said, "I'm not too worried, though, personally, I would feel better if Cheney weren't hogging the undisclosed location all the time."
December 17, 2002
I'd Love to Blog More, But Engineering Pays Better
Blogging has been real light for the past week or so as I've been real busy at work and having to work overtime. The project I'm on should get finished up this week, but then I leave to visit my folks in Boise, ID (and they have a stone age computer). When I get back in Janurary, I should have more free time and get back to posting more than once a day and sharing the love with my Links of the Day post. Just in case I don't have an opporutnity to blog again before I leave, have a merry Christmas and see you in the new year.
December 14, 2002
Movie Review: Star Trek Nemesis
Well, I just saw the tenth Star Trek movie, Star Trek Nemesis, and I think I share Ebert’s opinion (pretty funny and worth a read) that it is all getting a bit tiresome. Twice in the movie they blurt out some weird technical gibberish like, "We've detected some Flibberty-gibble emissions!" in a serious voice, and then they have the gall to have this big dramatic pause with intense music like we're supposed to blindly accept that it's something serious even though God knows we have no clue what they're talking about because... THEY JUST MADE THOSE WORDS UP! And I've always wondered, who's in charge of the ship when every single high-ranking officer goes on an away mission? Scruffy the janitor? And I couldn't take people saying with a straight face that the twin planet to Romulus is named Remus; that's just too cutesy. And they have to get some better weapons than those plastic pieces of crap; I’ve had toys that were scarier looking.
But that’s all standard Star Trek criticisms and shouldn't turn off anyone who like the series. What is good about the movie is that they finally have a villain wussy enough for Jean-Luc Picard to beat up - a clone of himself. Actually, the villain was the strongest point of the movie, and I couldn't help but root for him as he was much more interesting than the other characters. Plus, I just couldn't fathom the motivations of one of the Romulans who ends up helping Picard. Anyhoo, this is supposedly the last Next Generation Star Trek movie, and, to emphasize that point, one major character dies at the end (no, not Whoopi Goldberg). I wouldn't be surprised if there are more, though, as these movies are always profitable.
In summary, worth an outing for even a mild Star Trek fan (myself included), but I wouldn't recommend it for anyone else. Two and half stars.
BTW, I've added Picard to my list of possible replacements for Trent Lott.
December 13, 2002
Finally, Peace at Last!
Just when you thought there would be no solution to peace in Israel (well, I mean, other than nuking the Palestinians), Carter has offered to broker a peace deal! Now it is only a matter of time until Israelis and Palestinians are dancing together in the streets. With such modesty, he says he'll do it only if the U.S. government ask him to… like we'd ever refuse such a great offer. I hear the devil himself is fleeing the Middle East having heard that his arch-nemesis Carter in on his way. Just listen to Carter's wisdom, and you'll see why peace is now a sure thing:
"Until President Bush, every president, Democratic or Republican, has in my opinion played a balancing role as a trusted mediator. Now, though, it seems obvious that the present administration in Washington is completely compatible with the Israeli government and they have completely ignored ... the Palestinian Authority."
See! There is out problem! We've wholly aligned ourselves with a civilized democracy and completely ignored the terrorist thugs. How could we be such fools! Luckily Carter is around to show us the light, and I curse us - curse us all - for ever throwing him out of the presidency like a bag of stale peanuts.
Seriously, though, I think Carter mediating peace talks could end the conflict. He'll probably be so annoying that the Israelis will want to kill him and that the Palestinians will actually kill him. Then Israelis will acknowledge that, sometimes, the Palestinians’ murderousness can be useful. And, the Palestinians will acknowledge that civility has its place as well, because only through that were they able to set up a meeting where they could easily kill a numbnut like Carter. Then they'll hug and the feelings of peace will spread throughout the world, and the celebrated day will forever be known as "The Day They Finally Killed That Useless Ex-President."
December 12, 2002
Frank Suggestions for New Majority Leader
After his remark praising Strom Thurmond's failed run for the presidency on a racist platform, the consensus seems to be that Trent Lott is a jackass. But, if Lott does resign his post of Majority Leader, who will replace him? Of course, most people are going to suggest other current Republican senators, but none are that interesting. The Republicans have a historic opportunity, and they need someone really dynamic to be their leader. That’s why I’m not limiting my choices to the usual people. So, without further ado, here is my extensive list of suggestions for Republican Majority Leader:
UPDATED: Added Popeye, Jean-Luc Picard, Brutus
If I missed anyone, just list him, her, or it in the comments section.
December 10, 2002
Anti-War Protestors Destroy the Image of America... And It's Our Fault
I just read this article about idiotic war protestors, including that letter signed by celebrities (i.e., signed by people much dumber than the average America), but, instead of wanting to condemn (i.e., punch) these protestors, I started wondering how did we, those who aren't whiny bitches, fail America? Sure, these protesting buffoons have every right to drool their brainless message in a public forum, but we should have created an atmosphere where they are too scared to exercise their freedom to jabber like monkeys. Intimidation certainly is the right of the real American, but it’s one that doesn't seem to have been used too well as of late. Where have we gone wrong? Maybe the American bully, whose job it is to beat the pacifism out of people at an early age, has been turned soft by years of touchy-feely-ism. I also blame the media who actually seems to encourage these mentally special activists to make sounds with their throats as if to mimic speech. But, principally, I blame us, the hawks.
There is plenty to fear about us; we're armed, violent, and mean. Also, our tolerance of stupidity is surprisingly low. What we need is to get more people to realize how fearsome and violent we are. This can be done in large ways such as having a march in Washington to celebrate war, or in small ways such as kicking a puppy in front of others and then laughing. We just need all the pansies out there to constantly remember that we hawks are the true rulers of this country, and, when we want war, we get war… and we will harm anyone who gets in our way. Then all those mushy-headed pacifists will cower silently, hoping that we won't turn on them as soon as we run out of evil countries to annihilate. Finally, only one voice will come out of America, a voice that constantly demands the destruction of our enemies. All evil people out there will see one people united behind its hunger for blood. Then the will fear us, and at last the warmongering image America has fought so hard and so violently for will be preserved.
December 09, 2002
In My World: White House: U.S. Must Get to War with Iraq Before Rumsfeld Hurts Someone
Washington has obtained a copy of the Iraq's 12,000-page arms declaration. President Bush himself was seen to sit down and start reading it, but, after getting a quarter of the way through the first page, exclaimed, "This is boring," and tossed it in a nearby fireplace. He then turned on a televisions musing aloud, "I wonder what's on Comedy Central?"
"President Bush was unaware the job of presidency would ever involve heavy reading," White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer later explained to reporters. "He, like most Americans, doesn't really give a rat ass about the inspections and wants to get to the important business of bombing the crap out of Iraq and stealing their oil which we will either use to lower gas prices or dump it all on France and set it on fire."
On the topic of when to expect war, Fleischer said, "I hope it will be as soon as possible because every time the President and I have to tell [Defense Secretary] Rumsfeld of a delay, it looks like he is going to hit us. All his plans for Christmas presents involve having a large supply of Iraqi skulls, so he's going to be royally pissed if we don't get moving soon. Right now, everyone except Condoleeza Rice is too afraid to face him, so we have to use her as a go between."
When asked about whether he was concerned by Rumsfeld recent behavior of causing bomb scares at the French embassy, sending persistent death threats to Collin Powell, and suggesting he might start a military coup if the "nancy-boys at the White House don't get their asses in gear," Ari Fleischer told the press that "this was exactly the sort of behavior they expected when we hired him."
"Actually, it isn't me who should be worried about him doing a military coup," Fleischer explained to the gathered reporters, "Guess who are going to be among the first people he executes if he actually goes through with it."
"What we need to do is quickly get through all this paperwork and begin our war with Iraq," Fleischer added, "before Rumsfeld decides to do something rash."
When asked if there was worries that in the rush to war, they might not find out of any chemical or biological weapons Iraq has in its possession that it could then use against the U.S., Fleischer assured the press that the White House was "much more scared of Rumsfeld."
December 08, 2002
Movie Reviews: Snatch and Ran
Wow, Snatch and Ran would make a great movie title, but they're actually two different movies. The first, Snatch (2000), was made by the up and coming director known as "the guy who married Madonna," and, let me tell you, the guy who married Madonna knows how to make a fun movie. Lot's of firearms and lot's of humor and a wacky cast of characters with cool nicknames (Brick Top, Boris the Blade, Bullet Tooth Tony) makes for a good time had by all. If you're wondering about the plot, it's something about a diamond and unlicensed boxing and what not, basically, it’s a bunch of plot lines that run in parallel and then collide. Its story really isn't that important as this is one of those style over substance movies that I'm not smart enough to see through. Anyway, all the (really) bad people get killed in the end, so it's a happy movie. 5 stars.
Ran (1985) is a much more serious film directed by a man who never married Madonna, the famed Akira Kurosawa. The plot is based on my favorite Shakespeare play I was forced to read in high school, King Lear, but instead makes all the main characters Samurai. If there was one thing I've always said about Shakespeare, it's that it could be a bit better if there were just some Samurai in it... or some ninjas or a terminator from the future. And, for the most part, I was right. Added to the story of a king trying to retire with dignity and then seeing his kingdom torn apart by his children is some great war scenes with arrows and old style firearms. Two essential samurai things were missing, though: a katana fight and Toshiro Mifune. Also, if Kurosawa was going to change the plot by making it take place in feudal Japan and using sons instead of daughters, he might as well cheered up the ending while he was at it. Tragedies make me sad. 4 stars.
December 07, 2002
I Also Hate Hippies
Ariel Sharon said his government had been secretly negotiating with Palestinians other than Yasser Arafat, but an Arafat aide has said that's not true. So now we're left with the hard task of deciding who to believe. On one hand, we have the leader of a civilized, democratic country (and one of the few that isn't filled with whiny little bitches) versus the dictator of a violent uncivilized country who don't seem to understand that murder is wrong and like to wear table cloths on their heads. So, I’m thinking I trust Sharon.
Yeah, yeah, I know what you're now saying: "Hey, Frank, you stupid bigot, how can you judge people based on their opinion of murder. That's cultural bias, you ignorant, narrow-minded jerk."
Fine. Whatever. So I don’t trust Arafat due to my sever bigotry against terrorists. I'll admit it; I don't like them, and I don't want them near me and my family. If terrorists started living into my neighborhood; I'd move. I certainly don't want my sister marrying one. Know what? I'm even for rounding them all up and killing them. Yeah, I'm for terrorist-icide, and I'm not ashamed. We've got a tradition in this world of not murdering innocent people, and I'm for preserving it. You can denounce me all you want, but those are my values.
So, if Sharon, a nice non-terrorist, says something and then Arafat, a dirty terrorist, contradicts him, my response would be, "I believe you Arafat." Then, soon as he drops his guard, I shoot him in the head. And, frankly, I think that should be the response of any civilized person.
December 06, 2002
Link of the Day
Laurence Simon has a list of reason why the U.N. may be delaying the release of teh Iraqi weapons document. I especially like his first suggestion of a name for it. Frankly, I don't care what it says; just get bombing them already!
It Was a Hard Day of Work and I'm Tired of Hearing About the 9th Circuit
We're a nation with a modicum of self-respect, so why do we let the 9th Circuit exist? All they do is make idiotic decisions to piss off decent Americans even though another court always overturns it. So why should we pay for them or even have to hear about them? Now they've come out and said the 2nd Amendment, which states the right to bear arms, doesn't state a right to bear arms. That's a head scratcher. Now, I'm assuming these judges have some special judegey education that led to their judgery, so how come they seem to fail at first-grade level reading and comprehension? I don't know what it is with people who don't think the 2nd Amendment doesn't guarantee a right to bear arms; do they have a special copy of the Bill of Rights with a note before that amendment saying, "We're going to take a break from this listing of individual rights to blather on about militias and guns. Please ignore."? Anyway, I think that, since they are federal judges, Bush should send out federal troops to drag them out in the street and shoot them. That will teach them not to waste our time and tax money anymore. If federal troops are too busy, a militia could do it, thus demonstrating their necessity to the security of a free state. Once the 9th Circuit is gone, the news will be much less irksome... well, that is until Bill Clinton says something. Oh yeah, federal troops again.
December 05, 2002
Frank Advice on Inspections
I've been making fun of Hans Blix and his inspection, but that's not very constructive of me. I've decided to be a nice guy and offer some helpful advice to Blix on how to make those inspections more effective.
*Change your name. It's hard to get respect if your name makes it sound like you're a cartoon space monkey. It would be much better if you had some scary sounding German name.
*Anytime you meet a new Iraqi, offer to shake hands. Then as he reaches out, quickly inject him with sodium pentothal. That will get the truth out.
*Carry around a rubber hose. If you think someone is hiding something, take him into the back room and beat him with the hose. That will also get the truth out… or any particular truth you want.
*Remember to inspect all those bushy Iraqi mustaches. Those soup strainers are probably crawling with traces of chemical and biological weapons.
*Carry a dime bag of anthrax on you. Then, when you pat down someone who says he doesn't have any WMD's, you can make it look like you pulled that out of his pocket. He'll probably think it was his and he had just forgotten about it. Then he might break down and confess to everything.
*If, as you are about to open a door, strippers suddenly appear out of nowhere or you're attacked by ninjas or someone yells, "Hey! Look at me! I'm juggling!" that probably means you're near the WMD's and the Iraqis are trying to stall you while they get rid of them. Don't fall for it.
*Since we're going to go to war with Iraq no matter what, just say you found WMD's to make things easier for us. We'll appreciate it. Hell, if you come out and say, "Iraq is full of weapons of mass destruction! Kill them! Kill them now!" we'll all love you and chant in the streets, "Blix! Blix! Blix!" or, if you took my earlier advice, "von Kökeritz! von Kökeritz! von Kökeritz!"
I'm here to help.
Planned Parenthood: Killing the Unplanned for Over Twenty-Five Years
Planned Parenthood has a Christmas card out proclaiming "Choice on Earth," and then they got the gall to pretend they don't understand why anyone could find that offensive. Well, numbnuts, it's because everyone knows what Planned Parenthood means when they say "choice", and "Ripping Apart Unborn Children with a Vacuum and then Crushing Their Skull with Forceps on Earth" is not a Christmassy message. I understand how many people think abortion should be legal, but, either way, it's not a happy thing you want to keep shoving in people's faces. It’s a very sad thing anyone would need an abortion, not something to celebrated by running around shouting, "Callooh! Callay! The inhumanities legally available to me!" But, still, a lot of the Planned Parenthood people like to pretend abortion is some fabulous thing, like being able to have sex without contraception and then not having to deal with a pregnancy is a fundamental right (is being able to eat nothing but chocolate cake and not gain weight a fundamental right?).
I just think this is all about how the Christmas season must be especially irritating to Planned Parenthood, as Jesus’ conception was the ultimate unplanned pregnancy - an act of God, no less - and yet we actually celebrate it. That goes against everything Planned Parenthood believes. They must gnash their teeth and stomp their feet in anger every time they think about how that birth slipped passed them.
December 04, 2002
In My World: U.S. Unimpressed with Iraqi Inspections
The U.S. has been expressing concern that the Iraqi weapons inspections have been too easy. "This is absurd," Hans Blix responded to reporters, "Now let me continue to inspect this box of chocolates for WMD's. The top row seems clean... but what about the bottom row!"
"That Hans Blix loves his chocolate!" Saddam laughed. "Now excuse me while I go use up all my chemical weapons on the Kurds before the Americans find them."
Kofi Annan said he was happy with the inspections so far and with the Iraqi cooperation, but Donald Rumsfeld was not so impressed, saying the Americans should "murder them all." When asked for clarification of who "them" were, Rumsfeld said, "The U.N. members and their families."
"I've been telling Bush for a long time we should finally cut through the crap and kill everyone involved with the U.N., but he keeps saying that's 'too harsh,'" Rumsfeld explained. "I'm starting to think that guy is a fruit. Just let it be known, though, that if Blix and his inspections get in the way of our war with Iraq, I will personally gut him like a fish. I'm telling you this now so that if he is found gutted in the future, you'll know I did it and that no one else can take credit."
Rumsfeld then expressed his frustration about how long he has gone without a new war. "Do you know how much fun [war with Iraq] will be?" Rumsfeld said, "We'll be killing those Iraqis left and right, as they practically have Stone Age technology compared to our modern military." Rumsfeld then produced a small handheld computer. "See this. This is a PDA." He then took out the stylus and touched a few points on the screen. "I just had some placed bombed." When asked where he had bombed, Rumsfeld became irritated. "How the hell would I know? What do I look like; some computer geek? We’d still be using a telegraph to give troops orders if I had my way."
A reporter then questioned Rumsfeld's recent belligerent attitude towards the press. Rumsfeld responded by grabbing the reporter by his neck and lifting him into the air. The press conference abruptly ended as everyone fled in terror.
December 03, 2002
If They're Not Evil, Then Why Are They Foreign?
Attorneys for Guantanamo Bay detainees are arguing to a federal appeals court that foreigners captured in the war on terrorism have rights. That's crazy. I don't know what people are worried about, anyway. They say that, without a trial, how can you be sure they're terrorists? That may be true, but no one is disputing the fact that they are foreigners. As we all know, foreigners are stupid and often evil; that's why God put them in other countries than America. While it may be true that sometimes by accident good people end up being born in other countries - especially if God was drinking the night before (it's you atheists that drive Him to drink) - any decent person would then come to America the first chance they have. But where did these alleged not-terrorists go (foreigners are guilty until proven innocent)? They went to Afghanistan. That's crazy. I think that proves beyond any reasonable doubt that these people are the bad kind of foreigners and thus should be locked away in Cuba where they can only harm Communists. That makes God happy... when He's sober.
NOTE: All countries with IMAO readers are excluded from those that are stupid and evil.
December 02, 2002
You've Heard My Opinion, I've Heard Your Opinion; Now Let's Hear What Ruger Has to Say
The Cato Institute is taking Washington D.C.'s handgun ban to court. There are people who actually argue that allowing law abiding citizens to have handguns in D.C. would cause more deaths, but I don't believe that is actually possible since, if the murder rate were any higher, then the murderers would be killing each other causing violent crime to level off. While I think challenging the law in court is a good idea, I propose an even more dynamic idea to fight for gun rights. What the NRA should adopt is a policy of shooting people who disagree with them. It's a much simpler solution than trying to force logic on to people who are apparently morally opposed to it.
"If we limit gun purchases to one a month, that will stop murders."
"Convoluted statistics show you're more likely to shoot yourself than blah blah blah."
"If we make a gun free school zone, that will stop people from shooting children."
I don't care how idiotic an argument or how much statistics someone can produce, it won't stop a bullet. The only rebuttal to a gun is another gun, but if gun control nuts starting using guns, they lose their argument. So, shooting people who are for gun control both defeats them physically and philosophically. See, isn't this a brilliant, win-win idea? I don't know why someone hasn't used it yet. Well, I guess some people would say it's not right to shoot people, but they wouldn't say that if I had a gun pointed at them. Makes you think, doesn't it?
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