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March 31, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 01:05 PM | Email This

Am I out of the loop? Bill Whittle wrote a new essay and I didn't find out until now.

Since he doesn't usually have invidual posts worth pointing out, I just wanted to plug Inoperable Terran as a great linker worth checking out a couple times a day to what's going on in the blogosphere and elsewhere.

Kevin, blogging from the midst of Operation Wacky Iraqi Attacky (or at least close behind the midst), takes time out from helping kill bad people to stick it to the U.N. (individual link isn't working; look for post entitled "I Dare Kofi to Come Get Me").

Rating: 2.3/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (8)
In My World: Cleaning Staff Nearly Fed Up With Press Conferences
Posted by Frank J. at 07:10 AM | Email This

"Now that the war has lasted more than a week, will you admit that it's hopeless and apologize to the American people?"

The sound of a luger firing was the immediate response. "I can't stand any more of these questions!" Rumsfeld shouted, frantically checking his pockets. "Where's that extra clip!"

"Now that resistance is stronger than we reporters expected, is America starting to draw up plans to surrender to Iraq?"

"Rarrr!" Rumsfeld shouted as he tossed his gun at the reporter's head, knocking him unconscious. "I can't believe we involved you idiots in something as serious as a war. If they did it my way, we would never have told the press about the war. Would have just framed another celebrity for murder to distract you all while we invaded Iraq in secret."

"You wouldn't be able to keep something like that from the press!" declared a reporter proudly, "We're too smart and investigative for that!"

"Ha! Then how come none of the embedded reporters have figured out they're just be driven around in circles in a desert in Nevada? As even one of them noticed that the 'Iraqis' they see surrendering are just Mexicans we hired?" Rumsfeld then slapped his head. "Damn, didn't mean to say that; I need more sleep." He turned to Condoleezza Rice. "Dr. Rice, give me that new memory eraser you were working on."

"It's not done yet. You'll have to use the old one." She handed him a baseball bat.

Rumsfeld held it over his head, ready to strike. "Now everyone stand still or this won't work right."

"We didn't hear anything! We didn't hear anything!" pleaded the reporters.

"Fine," Rumsfeld said, dropping the bat and taking some pills out of jacket pocket, "Dr. Rice, you take over. I'm going take some of my rage medication."

Rice then took the floor. "I want to assure you that, despite your own idiotic opinions, this war is going to plan. So, anymore questions?"

"Why are two press seats used up by a chimpanzee and a robot?"

"We're doing some preliminary testing of whether we can replace reporters with either monkeys or robots," Rice explained. "Please just ignore them."

"I don't like the robot idea," Rumsfeld commented, "It's bulletproof."

The chimpanzee then raised his hand. "Bobo, what's your question?" Rice asked.

Bobo then bit the reporter next to him.

"Bobo, that's not a question! Bad monkey!" Rice scolded as Rumsfeld laughed.

The robot then lifted one of its metal claws into the air. "Go ahead and ask your question, Killbot 4000," Rice urged.

"When will the weak humans be destroyed?" it asked in a synthesized voice.

"I keep telling you reporters that we're not putting a time table on this war!" Rice answered angrily.

"I definitely like the monkey better," Rumsfeld commented.

"He's still attacking me!" yelled a reporter, fleeing from Bobo who was now trying to beat the man with a folding chair.

"Monkey funny!" Rumsfeld laughed.

"The pills must have kicked in," Rice remarked.

"All humans must die!" the robot interjected.

"Hey!" protested another reporter, "It's no longer your turn to ask ques..." He was cut short as the robot's claw clamped around his neck.

"Killbot destroy puny humans!" the robot declared as it lifted the reporter into the air.

"On second thought, I do like that robot's moxy," Rumsfeld commented. "Hey, Condi, let's go hit some bars while planning more military operations."

"Alright," Rice said, watching the chaos on the press floor, "but we better give the cleaning staff a heads up first."

Rating: 2.7/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (10) | In My World
March 28, 2003
Know Thy Enemy: Iraqi Republican Guard
Posted by Frank J. at 01:44 PM | Email This

On occasion, our troops may pause to wonder, "Who were those guys we just killed?" To help in that query, I'm starting a new feature where my crack research staff find all the important information you need to know about America's enemies. Our first subject: the Iraqi Republican Guard

FUN FACTS ABOUT THE IRAQI REPUBLICAN GUARD

* The Republican Guard were a replacement for the less successful Iraqi Democrat Guard, who would try to whine and tax their enemies into submission. Eventually Saddam became too annoyed with them and had them executed.

*To make sure they were his best-trained troops, Saddam handpicked his most qualified first-born son to lead them.

* The Republican Guard is supported by tanks and other hardware that, according to U.S. military experts, are fun to blow up.

* The Republican Guard are so well trained, that, in a one-on-one fight with U.S. ground troops, they can last into the tens of seconds.

* The Republican Guard are dangerous if encountered by civilians. If you see a Republican Guard, do not run; this only provokes him. Instead, stand your ground and wave your arms in the air while yelling to scare him away.

* In a fight between the Republican Guard and Aquaman, the Republican Guard would win... unless Aquaman could somehow trick them into following him into the sea.

* Though many Republican Guards dress up in burkas in the privacy of their own tents, that doesn't make them gay.

* In the first Gulf War, a confused group of Republican Guards accidentally surrendered to some monkeys. The monkeys then bit them (violating the Geneva Convention rules on handling P.O.W.'s) and stole their vehicles and weapons. Legend has it that they still roam the deserts today, wreaking havoc as only monkeys do.

* To raise money for their uniforms, the Republican Guards hold an annual goat roast.

* The Republican Guard's only natural predator is the camel. It will spit in the eyes of a Republican Guard to blind him and then swallow him whole. The shark would be another natural predator… if only Aquaman were somehow able to trick the Republican Guard into following him into the sea.

* In a show of cultural differences, when seeing the famous photo at the arrest of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, most Republican Guards were shocked by how little body hair he had and how small his shirt collar was.

* In the first Gulf War, most experts identify the main military blunder of the Republican Guard in their fight with the U.S. military as being that they we're fighting the U.S. military. It's yet to be seen if they have learned from that mistake.

Rating: 2.2/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (44) | Know Thy Enemy
March 27, 2003
Frank Suggestions for Propaganda
Posted by Frank J. at 12:08 PM | Email This

You just know there were a bunch of reporters waiting for the first soldier to stub his toe so they could shout, "Quagmire!" We here at IMAO (meaning me) are much more supportive our troops and their war efforts. Our fighting men and women are doing their best to liberate Iraq even though that puts their own lives at risk. In reality, they should all get a Nobel Peace prize for not just shooting everything that moves while in Iraq. Actually, our whole country should get a Nobel Peace prize for not just nuking everyone whose tone of voice we don't like, but, instead, they just give those awards to people like Jimmy Carter and Arafat and, if I recall correctly, Hitler was the first winner of the Nobel Peace prize.

Anyway, I understand this war will take time and I'm not going to jump to conclusion or rush anybody. Still, I have some ideas to help out. You may have seen the leaflets they've been dropping on Iraq, and, a good while back, I had some ideas for those. Now I have some new ones that take into account recent events:

FRONT: (picture of happy Iraqis) "We're here to liberate the people of Iraq."
BACK: (picture of Iraqi home burning) "But even look at us funny and we'll murder you and your family."

FRONT: (picture of Iraqi flag flying proudly) "We're not here to occupy Iraq or takes its resources."
BACK: (picture of American flag over Baghdad) "But piss us off and we may change our mind."

FRONT: (picture of Iraqis with hands up) "If you want to live, surrender to our troops."
BACK: (picture of mushroom cloud) "But try any of that phony surrender crap again and we'll nuke your whole country."

FRONT: (sinister picture of Saddam) "We're only here to remove Saddam and his regime."
BACK: (picture of American shooting indiscriminately at enemies) “But when we're tired and cranky from constant ambushes, everyone starts to look like Saddam."

FRONT: (picture of Iraqis firing their weapons) "On second thought, go ahead and fight us."
BACK: (picture of a Marine with a broad smile) "Our Marines sure love kill'n."

Rating: 2.4/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (13)
March 26, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 09:36 PM | Email This

There seems to be a carnival on.

The Emperor has a new flag policy.

Rating: 2.9/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (1)
In My World: If Iraq Uses WMD's, the U.S. May Respond with Happiness
Posted by Frank J. at 06:49 AM | Email This

President Bush decided to personally give a press conference to update everyone on the state of war. "Despite all the negative reports, I want everyone to know that Operation Wacky Iraqi Attacky is doing tremendously," he announced. National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice then whispered in his year. "What!" Bush responded, "That liar Colin Powell told me he was going with my name idea!" Bush looked back to the reporters. "So does anyone have questions about the boringly titled Operation Iraqi Freedom?"

"If Iraq uses WMD's against U.S. troops, will you consider striking back with nuclear weapons?"

"No, absolutely not. Karl Rove carefully explained to me that the diplomatic costs are too high." He looked around. "Where is he?"

"We have some new technology related to that," Rice told the press, "This is a new weapon to help us defeat our enemies but isn't as mean and scary as a nuclear weapon. It's a 10 megaton 'Happy Bomb'." Rice then pulled back a sheet revealing a large bomb with a smiley face displayed prominently on the front. "Look it's smiling!" Rice exclaimed, "Isn't it happy?"

"Wow! It is smiling!" Bush said excitedly, "Let's use it now!"

"Isn't it that actually a nuclear bomb with just a smile painted on it?" asked one reporter skeptically.

"Yeah, that's a good question," Bush said to Rice, getting suspicious, "Did you just paint a smile on a nuclear bomb?"

"No, of course not," Rice replied innocently. "There are also stencils of bunnies on the side."

"Hey, there are bunnies on the side!" Bush said happily, "Cute ones! We should use this bomb now!"

"So will this bomb have horrible radiation effect to wherever it is dropped?" asked another reporter.

"Not horrible radiation effects," Rice answered, smiling, "but lovely happiness effects... over a 150 mile radius."

"Wow! How happy will it make places?" Bush asked.

"Too happy for most people to stand - or plants or animals - and the happiness will last for decades."

"Jeepers! That sure sounds like a lot of happiness!" Bush said, getting psyched, "We should use this bomb now!"

"So will this 'happiness' cause gruesome mutative effects?" inquired an incredulous reporter.

"No, it's natural for this much happiness to... uh... change a creature into something… even happier..."

"Like in Pokemon?" Bush interrupted.

"Uh... yeah... like in… Pokemon," Rice answered, trying to keep a straight face.

"Cool! I want a Charizard. We should use this bomb now!"

"Aren’t you afraid of the resultant protests?" asked a reporter.

"Wait," Bush said, turning to Rice, "There aren't going to be more smelly, hippy protesters bothering me about this, will there?"

"No," Rice assured him, "because the first thing the Happy Bomb does it make a giant mushroom, and hippies love mushrooms."

"Wow! A giant mushroom! Let's use this bomb now!"

"Great," Rice said, producing a map of Iraq, "I've marked with frowny faces a number of strategic locations that just aren't very happy."

"George!" called Laura Bush, walking into the press conference, "What are you doing?"

"Important strategic stuff."

"I thought I told you to stay away from Condoleezza," Laura chided him, "She's always trying to trick you into using nuclear weapons when Karl Rove isn't around."

"But she's changed," Bush answered, "She now wants to use a Happy Bomb instead."

Laura smacked Bush upside the head. "Don't be so gullible."

"Come on, dear, not in front of the press," Bush pleaded.

"Almost got away with it," Rice said angrily as she walked off.

"That Condoleezza and that Rumsfeld are bad influences on you," Laura told him, "They just keep trying to get you into more wars. You should instead consult with that nice Colin Powell."

"But everyone in my administration hates Colin Powell," Bush protested, "If they see me hanging out with him, they'll think I'm not cool."

"You can't spend all your time worrying what people think about you or you'll end up like that Billy Clinton, who I definitely don't want to see you talking to." She started pulling him out of the press conference. "Now come on. You promised me you would fix the closet door today."

Bush looked to see the press was chuckling at him. "Ari!" Bush yelled, "Make sure no one reports anything about this."

"On it!" White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer said as he took the podium and faced the reporters. "Who here likes freedom of the press?" he asked, and then surveyed the group in front of him. "Wow, that's everyone. Now, here's a different question: who likes not getting hit in the head with a lead pipe? It's okay to think about it... Looks like it's everyone again." Fleischer fished for something hidden behind the podium. "Now let's say you could only choose one..."

Rating: 3.1/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (33) | In My World
March 25, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 12:03 PM | Email This

Michele is fit to print. Why's no major news source ever call me?

Kim du Toit has a new look with a new purpose (well, not really new).

Loretta lists all the companies she has obviously been paid off by. BTW, any large conglomerate want to have one of their products as the official soda of IMAO?

Rating: 2.8/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Make Every Day Bomb France Day
Posted by Frank J. at 08:23 AM | Email This

What's up with Russia? They're selling military equipment to the enemy. It's starting to look like they haven't given up their evil, Commie ways; maybe we'll have to finally have that war with Russia that Reagan always wanted. Man, if there's anything I've learned since 9/11, it's that most other nations than America are jerks and should have their asses kicked. I don't even think Russia ranks next on the list of nations to bitch-slap anyway. What was that list again... eh, it's probably just easier to list nations not to bomb. U.K. has been cool, as so has Australia... and Israel has never hurt anyone - I care about, that is. All other nations are on warning, as it's time for some major changes in this world if we Americans want to remain safe and unannoyed.

My one big request is that when we finally come to our sense and have war with France, we don't even tell them why. Just, without notice, start bombing them one day.

They'll be like, "Please, Americans! Just tell us what to do so you'll stop attacking us!"

And we'll be like, "I dunno. Just start doing stuff and we'll stop bombing you when we're happy." (we won't stop bombing them).

Actually, maybe that could be like a holiday, Bomb France Day... except we'll change when it is every year to keep them on their toes.

Rating: 3.2/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (60)
March 24, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 10:21 PM | Email This

Go check out Rachel Lucas's commentary on the Oscars last night. I turned it on just for a little bit in time to see Michael Moore give his speech. It was worth him getting an Oscar just to seem him make such an ass of himself.

Mean Mr. Mustard has a great idea in regards to the aforementioned corpulent jackass.

John Hawkins finds yet another example of just how stupid someone can be but still be able to use the internet.

And, for up to the minute news on the war, check out The Command Post which was started by Michele. Should be a frequent visit while this war is going on.

On a side note, I just had my first week of over 10,000 visitors last week and should have my first day of over 2,000 today thanks to a nice plug from the Emperor. Thank you for reading me, everyone.

Rating: 2.7/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (5)
In My World: Rumsfeld Vows to Kill Everyone and Then Sing Kumbaya
Posted by Frank J. at 06:54 AM | Email This

Last Thursday, demonstrators vanadlised Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld's New Mexico home to protest the war. Recently, protestors returned to Rumsfeld's home again, this time decorating the trees around his home with their own entrails.

"Was this new vandalism not actually a form of protest, but in fact the result of you viciously murdering the protesters then dismembering their corpses as a warning to others?" asked a reporter at Rumsfeld's press conference.

"My lawyers told me not to answer questions about the matter," he answered gruffly.

"Then might we at least ask who's blood it is that you're currently caked in?"

"Again my lawyers told me not to answer questions about that matter."

"Aren't your lawyers in fact dead?"

"They kept telling me what to do." He clenched his hand into a fist. "I hate lawyers! So do any of you have questions about Operation Iraqi Murder Death Kill?"

"Don't you mean "Operation Iraqi Freedom'?" corrected one reporter.

"I forgot what name we settled on, but you know what I mean."

"So are you satisfied with the current progress of the war?"

"Yes, we are making great progress. Our Shock and Aww and Shock campaign has been going especially well. That's where we first hit the Iraqis with a shock, .i.e., an initial bombing campaign. While they're dazed and confused, we then flood the city with cute little puppies to make them go 'Aww.' Then while distracted by the puppies, we hit them with more shock, i.e., more bloody mayhem. I'm sure it won't be too long until Baghdad is ours and Saddam is dead."

"You don't plan on capturing Saddam?"

"No, he will die."

"What if he surrenders?"

"Then he will die with his hands up. Next question."

"Now that some Americans have been killed and captured, will you admit the futility of this war and that its costs are too high?"

Rumsfeld thought about that for a moment. "I think the best way to answer that questions would be to rip this podium out of the ground and then smash it over your head," Rumsfeld said, ripping the podium out of the ground and then smashing it over the reporter's head. "Any other questions?"

"How do you respond to reports that Marines are wantonly killing camels when lacking Iraqis to kill?"

"It's the U.S. Marines' supreme right in this world to kill whatever the hell they want, and they shall not be questioned on that matter."

"Don’t you think these actions in Iraq might lead to a broader war?"

"I hope so, for after Iraq I have plans to continue into other countries in the Middle East, wiping out even more terrorists. Then we will start another campaign in Asia starting in North Korea wiping out all other enemies to America. Next we will start a front in Europe doing the same. Eventually, we will hunt down and kill everyone who is trying to harm America, everyone who is thinking of harming America, anyone who supports the harming of America, and anyone who is not vehemently opposed to harming America. In summary, anyone who wishes to terrorize America will die. Anyone who isn't against terrorism in America will die. Anyone who sees American on TV killed or captured and cheers will die. Anyone who hates America will die. Anyone who spells America with a 'k' will die. Anyone who doesn’t cheer every time they hear the name of America will die. And, when all our enemies are finally dead, we will beckon in this newfound era of peace by sitting in a circle and singing Kumbaya."

"Are you serious about all that?"

"Everything except for the Kumbya part."

Rating: 2.6/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (41) | In My World
March 23, 2003
Where's the Billy Goats Gruff When You Need Them?
Posted by Frank J. at 11:20 AM | Email This

Out from beneath the bridge emerged a hideous troll. From the nearby town, it heard viewpoints other than its own, and this caused the troll to gnash its teeth and stomp its feet in rage. Eventually it was provoked into a mindless attack on the townsfolk, though what it hoped to accomplish was unknown... even to the troll itself. It just knew it could not let the townsfolk’s merriment go undisturbed.

Some fought back with the troll, trying to match its rage, but this only pleased the terrible creature, causing it to dance a happy troll dance in glee. Others just ignored the silly troll, and this only enraged it further. "I am the troll!" it shrieked, "I disturb your peace! Will you not fight me?"

The troll then continued its mindless attack, clawing at doors at gnawing at the sides of buildings when no one went to engage it. The townspeople found this quite amusing, but knew that, if this happened too often, the pitiful creature would have to be slain.

* * * *

Anyhoo, I found out there is this odd thing that people sometimes add to software programs. It's like a line of code, but the compiler completely ignores it. What's the use of a line of code the compiler would ignore, you ask? Apparently it's in case someone else may read the actual code I wrote, and these seemingly useless lines would help explain the rest of the code. I believe these things are called "comments". I'm a hardware engineer, so the way of the software programmer are weird and scary to me, yet I must conform to their customs. Thus I need to go into work today to do this "commenting" so that I may meet a deadline.

I guess that pretty much means nothing to you guys, but, anyway, since there have been so much happening in recent events, Rumsfeld’s comments can’t wait until Wednesday. Thus there will be a press conference tomorrow morning... despite the anger of the trolls.

Rating: 3.2/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (13) | I Hate Frank
March 21, 2003
"Hey, I Have a Sane Idea: Let's Piss Off the Angriest Man in America!"
Posted by Frank J. at 04:40 PM | Email This

We've heard of protestors killing themselves for their stupidity, one getting run over by a bulldozer and another falling off a bridge, but now here's an example of blatant suicide by them: they've attacked Donald Rumsfeld's home, trashing it's grounds. Throwing oneself feet first into a woodchipper would be a less painful way of ending one's life than pissing off Rumsfeld. It seems, though, that, as the protesters are being more and more forced to face how useless and idiotic they are, their actions will become more and more desperate. So what do we do with all these possibly dangerous idiots, or, at least, the ones that Rumsfeld doesn't personally disembowel?

I say we have a plant start his own protest, billed to be the ultimate protest to end all protests (heh heh). Like a pied piper, he'll whip them into a protesting frenzy, all of them shouting incoherent slogans until they forget all else. Then he'll lead them to what's supposed to be towards the Whitehouse, but, instead all the carefully placed "Protest March This Way" signs lead them off a cliff, plunging them all into the ocean like a bunch of lemmings, the cruel sea caring not for their cries of "No blood for oil!"

How will this affect the ocean life, you ask? Smelly hippies might pollute the water to some degree, but I never ate much fish anyway. Sounds like a foolproof plan to me.

Rating: 3.1/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (37)
March 20, 2003
Green = Red
Posted by Frank J. at 06:22 PM | Email This

So we're back to Orange alert status - High alert status - as defined by the Office of Homeland Security. So far default has been Yellow - Elevated alert status. But there are two levels below that. When will we ever see those? I guess after Iraq is defeated and al Qaeda is permanently eliminated, we can drop down to Blue status - Guarded - but what is the lowest level, the Green level, for? Will we only reach that when we have some sort of utopian society where violence is a thing of the past?

"Alert status is now Green. Authorities say that you can go ahead and keep your doors unlocked, let your kids ride with strangers, and melt your guns down into tasteful jewelry. American intelligence agencies have been disbanded since we no longer have any enemies to watch, and police officers will now just work as taxi drivers. Stop worrying about anything and don't pay any attention to anything out of the ordinary. Now go have a peachy day."

If the alert ever goes to Green, I'm just going to assume it's some terrorist trick to get us to drop our guard. Well I ain't falling for it, Osama!

Rating: 2.6/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Lessons Learned Thus Far
Posted by Frank J. at 06:11 PM | Email This

Well, apparently it doesn't matter how dirty, smelly, and annoying you are, you can't stop the American war machine (a good lesson for both hippies and the French). You can dress up as dumb as you want, and chant slogans that are devoid of thought as loud as possible, but America will still kill bad people. And even if large masses of smelliness and stupidity congregate in our major cities, America will still fight for its interests.

God Bless America.

Rating: 2.9/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (2)
It Has Begun
Posted by Frank J. at 06:48 AM | Email This

Don't have time to come up with anything funny to say this morning (maybe I'll post something after work) but just wanted to express my best wishes for our military men and women and my hopes that we can make this war a quick one. Godspeed.

Rating: 2.4/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (7)
March 19, 2003
Link of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 07:43 PM | Email This

Carnival of the Vanities #26 is up.

Rating: 2.8/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (1)
In My World: Rumsfeld Vows Frog-a-cide
Posted by Frank J. at 06:40 AM | Email This

"Can we start bombing them now?" Rumsfeld asked impatiently.

"No, we still have to wait just a little bit more," Condoleezza Rice answered.

"If it weren't for that sissy little Texan," Rumsfeld declared angrily, "I could of demolished Iraq long ago, along with North Korea and most of Europe."

"The press," Rice reminded him, pointing to the reporters standing before them and cowering in fear.

"Ask your questions quickly," Rumsfeld commanded them, "As soon as this war starts, I’m lobbying to have you all killed as a precautionary matter."

"What is your reaction to France saying they may help the U.S. if there is a chemical attack?"

"That's simply not enough to keep me from personally murdering all Frenchmen. They have shown no faith to the U.S., and the will pay with their blood."

"Are you really going to kill them all?" asked a reporter in disbelief.

"Yes, total frog-a-cide." He then stared the reporter in the eye. "Do you doubt that I can?"

"No, sir, no," the reporter answered, trying to back away.

"They'll probably surrender on sight of seeing an angry American," Rumsfeld explained, "I'll then strangle them with their White Flags."

"When will this occur?"

"Sometime after we demolish Iraq. I plan to put Saddam's head on a pole and then use it as a cudgel against Chirac."

"On account of your hatred of the French, are you in support of the renaming of french fries and french toast to 'freedom fries' and 'freedom toast'?"

Rumsfeld shrugged his shoulders. "I only eat meat." He then turned to Rice. "His question wasted my time. Teach him through pain."

Rice operated a remote control and the reporter fell to the ground twitching. "I forgot to mention to you all," Rice said, "I had pain inducers surgically implanted in all of you."

"When did you do that?" asked a worried reporter.

Rice smiled. "That's classified."

"But that's against the law!" another reporter protested.

"I AM ABOVE THE LAW!" Rice screamed, shocking who dared question her.

"Anymore questions?" Rumsfeld asked, "Or do all fully understand that Iraq and France will soon be destroyed?"

"What about the Iraqi children?" screeched Helen Thomas, who had somehow wandered into Rumsfeld's press conference.

"The Iraqi children will die and so will you!" Rumsfeld yelled in full rage as he whipped out his luger and started firing at her. Thomas ran out of the pressroom, cackling all the way.

"She's quicker than she looks," Rumsfeld said mournfully as he reholstered his gun.

"You'll get her one day," Rice assured him, patting him on the shoulder.

"We're really scared now," said one reporter, "Can we go now?"

"Yes, flee in terror," Rumsfeld told them, and they quickly complied.

A French diplomat was scheduled to respond to Rumsfeld's remarks, but was found murdered, seemingly yet another victim of the "Rumsfeld Strangler." D.C. police aren't sure, though, since the note left at the scene was written in some sort of crazy monkey language, reading, "Je suis Donald Rumsfeld. J'ai étranglé cet homme." Authorities say that if you have any information that could lead to the whereabouts of the Rumsfeld Strangler, keep it to yourself so he doesn't strangle you.

Rating: 2.2/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (18) | In My World
March 18, 2003
The U.N. Doesn't Have to Be Useless
Posted by Frank J. at 08:18 AM | Email This

Wow. It feels like it's just two days before Christmas; war is finally coming and I sure can't wait. To bide the time, I've tried to think of what to do with the U.N. now that it has declared itself useless. You're probably thinking we should hunt down and kill everyone associated with the U.N. and then blow the headquarters to smithereens to forever wipe away their worthlessness from the world, but "waste not, want not" I say. So that's why I've tried to come up with some new uses for the U.N. As for the headquarters, maybe we can turn it into a shopping mall or a monkey house or just leave it as something for throwing rocks at. For the U.N. body itself, I have more ideas:

* War can be messy, and we don't want to clean it up. They can do that.

* Troops in battle may need towels. They can hand us towels.

* Now that we are unburdened by the U.N., we’ll probably get in tons more fights. Thus they can proofread our many declarations of war.

* "Hey, U.N. guys, go walk across that field."

"But aren't there supposed to be mines there?"

"We won't know until you walk across it."

* Someone needs to man the stopwatch while we try to break our record on invading a country.

* They can go on stage and pretend their opinions still matter as entertainment for our troops.

* They can keep track of exactly how much blood is being spent for oil so that we can see if we can improve the ratio.

* "Hey, U.N. guys, I think there are terrorists behind that door. You go open it."

"Uh-uh. You already had us walk across that field."

"Just open the door!"

* Humanitarian stuff is boring. They can still do that.

Rating: 2.9/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (17)
March 17, 2003
In My World: One Last Chance
Posted by Frank J. at 08:57 AM | Email This

The moment of truth has arrived at the U.N., as an informal Security Council meeting will finally decided the U.N.'s position on Iraq. If the U.N. votes for the military action, it will give further support to the U.S. war with Iraq. If the U.N. votes against attacking Iraq, it will lose its legitimacy and the U.N. building will be immediately bulldozed to the ground.

"Actions will soon be taken," President Bush announced to the press, "This is our enemy’s final chance. After today, they can talk to the cruise missiles, and the cruise missiles are not good conversationalists. They are prone to constant interruptions, often brash in their language, and are poor listeners. Plus, they incinerate you."

"Are you implying that there is a chance for Iraq to avoid war if they immediately disarm now?" asked a reporter.

"Hell, no - I promised the American people stolen Iraqi oil and that's what they're going to get. What I was talking about was France. France better start shaping up or America will rain its mighty wrath upon them."

"You're really angry enough about France’s behavior to attack them?"

"Yes we are. We renamed the french fries and french toast in the cafeteria to "freedom toast" and "freedom fries" since anything with "french" as part of the name will cause someone to vomit. We've also now made it part of all sporting events that, after our national anthem is played, a French flag is burned. Then a French tourist is publicly beaten."

President Jaques Chirac appeared unintimidated. "Silly Americans, you cannot harm the great and mighty France," he announced to the press, "We will veto your war and then America will crumble since it no longer has the support of the true powerhouse in this world: the U.N. Then Saddam and I will find Dick Cheney's undisclosed location and defeat America from the inside. When America is gone, Saddam and I shall rule together, plunging the world into tyranny and rudeness." Chirac then laughed evilly and effeminately until a squirrel ran by. Then he ducked behind his podium and started crying.

Rating: 2.5/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (14) | In My World
March 13, 2003
Smell Ya Later
Posted by Frank J. at 08:33 AM | Email This

I'm gone this weekend, so no more posting until Monday. See ya then.

Rating: 2.7/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Frank Suggestions for a Post-War Iraq
Posted by Frank J. at 08:30 AM | Email This

Since war is almost here, we face the question of what to do with Iraq after the war. The obvious answer is take all its oil, steal all its resources, and pave it over into extra parking for Turkey. Others want to set up a democracy in Iraq, but that sounds complicated. It's much easier to just knock out the entire infrastructure of Iraq, give the Iraqis some small arms, and establish an anarchy so that things will naturally sort themselves out.

Here are some other ideas for a post-war Iraq:

*Secret Ninja Training Ground: We don't have a secret ninja training ground (or maybe we do and it's just secret). The key to this would be making sure no one knows about it. If someone asks what we're doing in Iraq, we say, "Not training ninjas, that's for sure... Hey look behind you! A UFO!"

*The "What Happens When You Piss Off America" Museum: A lot of countries don't completely understand what will happen to them if they make us mad, so let's give them a visual aid. Take all the destruction we do to Iraq and make a museum exhibit out of it. Be great for Kim Jong Il to go see.

*Center of Operations for the Conquering/Oil-Stealing of All of Middle East: Make high tech facitilites in Iraq to help in eventually conquering the rest of the Middle East and stealing their oil. If people start asking what we're doing, shoot them.

*Place to Keep Our Stuff: I know I have a lot of junk that I just don't want to throw away; let's put all of that in Iraq. We could rename the country Ameri-storage.

*No France Allowed Club: Make Iraq a twenty-four hour, seven days a week party. All drinking and dancing and drag-racing through the sand all the time. France can't come, though. They can just stand outside the border and watch us have fun.

Rating: 2.5/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (26)
March 12, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 06:13 PM | Email This

Carnival of the Vanities #25 is up.

Rating: 2.3/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (1)
In My World: Robot Spiders Almost as Hostile to Questions as Rumsfeld
Posted by Frank J. at 06:38 AM | Email This

"War could be any day now." Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld exclaimed, "I've told my troops to start killing a few Iraqis each day to warm up."

"Shouldn't you be solemn and reserved about the horrible prospective of war?" asked a reporter.

When the pistol-whipping was over, another reporter asked a question. "You seem to say you're willing to go to war without the help of the British. Is this true?"

"Iraqis continue to breathe air each day, and this is an insult to us all. I can't be expected to wait for anyone before I begin to end this atrocity. The way we kill them will probably be too bloody for those crumpet eaters to stand, anyway."

"Are you concerned about the U.N. Security Council vetoing the new resolution?"

"Let me be clear: the U.N. is dead to me, and, if I have my way, it will soon be dead to everyone. That said, anyone who vetoes something the U.S. supports vetoes their own life. The children of tomorrow will sing many sad songs about those who oppose us today."

"Did you see that 60 Minutes segment with President Clinton and Senator Dole on Sunday?"

"No, but I shot the first reporter who asked me about it," Rumsfeld said as he drew his luger and shot the reporter. "For the last time, keep your questions about war!"

"Aren't you afraid that our new belligerent attitude might have a bad affect on kids these days?"

"Poppycock. Kids these days need to be tougher. I keep hearing about how kids can't even bring a knife into school anymore. Back in my day, we had a rifle club at our elementary school, well stocked with ammo. Good thing too, because it was the only way we survived that onslaught on ten thousand Zulu warriors who attacked us one year. We kept firing on them, and they kept coming as if there was no end to them. Eventually, we ran out of ammo and had to resort to pegging the Zulus with dodge balls. Lost my best friend that day when he chucked one and a Zulu caught it. It was a horrible day, but the teacher sill didn't delay the math test I hadn't studied for."

"Anyway, I think it's time for my presentation now," National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice said, stepping forward. "I guess you have all now heard of our 21,000 pound MOAB." A picture appeared on screen of one of the bombs. "This is one that is about to dropped on a real target in a new attempt to intimidate the Iraqis."

"Where is it being dropped?"

"That's classified."

"Why's it say 'Veto this, you frogs.' on the front of it?"

"That's also classified." A dummy was brought out that looked like Saddam Hussein. "Here is our new assassination device," Rice explained, placing a spider like robot on the ground. "It zooms in on the target's voice pattern."

Inside the dummy, a tape player was started. "I am Saddam. I like hiding weapons of mass destruction. The French are my friends." With a loud screech, the robot jumped on to the face of the dummy and exploded.

"I was the one who decided to make it screech," Rice said proudly. "So you can get a better look at these, we have now filled the press room floor with them." The reporters looked down, and indeed the floor was swarming with little spider robots.

"Is there any chance they could attack the wrong person?" asked a very frightened reporter.

Rice thought about that for a moment. "That's a good question. I'll look into it."

Another reporter started to speak, but a loud screech followed by an explosion was heard.

"Uh oh," Rice uttered, "Everyone better just keep real quiet right now."

Rumsfeld watched all the reporters standing completely still and silent. "This is the best press conference ever. Well, I'm going to go grab a scotch and see if my war's started yet. Condi, you try and clean this up without killing too many reporters."

"Cleaning is the janitor's job. Why don't I just lock the doors and call it a test case?"

"Have fun!" Rumsfeld said to the reporters as he and Rice went through the back exit of the room, "If you have any more questions about whether this war is unjust, ask them to the spiders."

Rating: 2.2/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (21) | In My World
March 11, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 07:49 PM | Email This

No links of the day today because I drank too much at work. Just check out any link on my blogroll for more edu-tainment. Hopefully I can get things together enough for a Rumsfeld post tomorrow.

UPDATE: Almost didn't notice, but I passed 100,000 unique vistors sometime today. Thanks to everyone for reading.

Rating: 2.9/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (3)
You've Got to Keep Your Axes Under Control
Posted by Frank J. at 08:39 AM | Email This

The other members of the Axis of Evil are trying to take advantage of our distraction with Iraq. North Korea has tested more missiles, and Iran started up their nuclear program. This is bad and cannot go unanswered.

First of all, this is just why we need missile defense. When North Korean fires a test missile, we can shoot it out of the sky. Then we can have a plane fly by towing a banner saying, "Your Missiles Suck! You Guys Are Losers!" Then the North Korean will get low self-esteem and stop all their blustering about how they can beat us in a nuclear war and other fantasies.

As for Iran, we could just go in and blow up their nuclear facilities, but the U.N. will probably yell at us. Then we’d have to also take out the U.N., and we could end up being in the desert all night digging holes. Instead, we should set up the destruction so that they see a poofy-haired man running away from the explosion. They'll assume it was Kim Jong Il trying to take down Iran so he could be the undisputed leader of the Axis of Evil. Jong and Ayatollah Ali Hoseini-Khamenei will probably get into a slap fight and curse each other's mustaches, giving us enough time to steal whatever oil those two countries have. Once exploited for their resources, those countries are of no further use to us and can be nuked.

Quick and simple.

Rating: 2.7/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (13)
March 10, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 10:49 PM | Email This

Oscar Jr. has moved. I'll update my link to him so I can properly de-link him later.

There is now a poster size version of the awesome Rumsfeld civil defense poster created by Blogs of War (thanks to Andrew Coulson).

Rachel Lucas has a nice letter to former President Jimmeh Carter.

Rating: 2.8/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (1)
In My World: Bush and Chirac Personally Supervise Inspections
Posted by Frank J. at 07:02 AM | Email This

In an effort to prove whether Iraq is actually disarming, President Bush and President Chirac went to Iraq to personally watch Saddam as he destroyed his weapons of mass destruction.

"You aren't going to get anything past me, Saddam," Bush warned, "I know you're not disarming."

"Why are you Americans so mean?" Saddam asked, sounding quite hurt. "Here I am, clearly destroying my anthrax." He then threw another bag labeled "Anthrax" into the furnace.

"Did I hear that bag meow?" Bush asked. He then opened one of the bags. "These bags aren't full of anthrax! They're full of cute little kittens!"

"Whaaaat!" Saddam exclaimed, slapping his hands to his face ala Macaulay Culkin. "I thought those bags were full of anthrax!"

"I knew Saddam would do everything he could to undermine this disarmament! He's so evil he's burning kittens alive!"

"Nonsense, you silly American; inspections are working!" Chirac declared. "Now that Saddam realized he is burning the wrong bags, he can get to destroying the real anthrax."

"Don't rush me," Saddam said, measuring some chemicals, "I'm not done making it yet."

"He's making biological weapons as we speak!" Bush yelled, "I told you this disarmament is bull."

"You stupid warmongering American; I spit on your mother," Chirac said as he put a flask on a Bunsen burner, "Why won't you let the inspections process take its course?"

"You're helping him make it!" Bush said, getting steaming mad. "I'll murder you both!"

Bush began to reach for the Colt .45 at his hip, but Karl Rove whispered, "Diplomacy! Diplomacy!" into his ear and he settled down.

Saddam walked over to a nearby detonator. "Now I'm going to destroy my missiles just like I promised."

Chirac patted Saddam on the head. "What a good evil dictator. Not so crude like a certain current American President I won't mention." He then turned up his nose at Bush.

Saddam pressed the plunger, and an explosion was seen nearby.

"Why are children running away from that explosion?" Bush asked as he squinted to get a better look. "Those aren't missiles! You're blowing up the playground equipment at the orphanage! You're a monster!"

"Whaaaat! The orphanage!" Saddam yelled, looking really really surprised. "Who wired these explosives? This is the most ridiculous thing ever!"

"Inspections are working!" Chirac cheered, doing a little French dance. "I haven't yet come up with an explanation of why this means inspections are working, but just give me a minute more."

"You better destroy the real missiles right now!" Bush demanded.

"Alright," Saddam answered, "but then I think the U.N. should disarm America of it's weapons of mass destruction, such as its nuclear missiles, it's daisy cutters, and its Donald Rumsfeld."

Chirac shuddered. "Don't mention that name in front of me; such a rash and angry person. So how do you plan on destroying the missiles, Saddam?"

"I think I'll launch them at Israel."

"There is much support for that at the U.N.," Chirac stated. "Hey, I'm starting a new U.N. commission on hating America. You should head it after this silly disarmament thing is done with and the Americans are laughed at like the fools they are."

"Diplomacy! Diplomacy!" Karl Rove shouted at Bush, but it was too late.

* * * *

"Bush's beating of Chirac and Saddam with a sack full of kittens has created an international incident; will any apologies be issued?" a reporter asked.

"The President has already sent a written apology to the kittens," White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer stated.

"Kittens can't read."

Fleischer rolled his eyes. "The President is not a zoologist. He can't be expected to keep track of which animals can and cannot read."

"So does the president have anything else to say?"

"Nothing more than his usual weekly proclamation of his complete and utter contempt for the press. Oh, and he bet me five dollars I couldn’t hit one of you in the eye with my pen." Fleischer then flicked his pen at the reporters.

"Ahh! My eye!"

"Bullseye!"

Rating: 2.8/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (15) | In My World
March 09, 2003
Why Me Laugh?
Posted by Frank J. at 02:23 PM | Email This

I really like writing humor, but my other real joy in life is pointless navel gazing, i.e., analyzing a subject beyond any actual utility. I thought maybe I'd indulge myself and thus write a serious post, but I'll meet you half way and write a serious post on the subject of humor.

For me, writing humor is mainly a gut thing. I have very few conscious heuristics I use; most of it just comes from some unknown muse. Analyzing humor most likely won't actually help one write better humor, but only seems to work as a post-mortem, explaining why something was funny. Still, I find it interesting to do. I plan on later discussing different types of humor and liberal versus conservative humor, but today I'm going to start with why people laugh in the first place.

The best theory I've seen on the evolutionary purpose of humor was from Henri Bergson. Basically, he argues that humor is a social force meant to discourage behavior unwanted by the group. This makes a lot of logical sense when you consider the difference in feeling between being laughed with and laughed at; it's very pleasant to be a part of a group laughing, and very unpleasant to be the subject of ridicule. And, if one is laughed at, he or she is likely to want to avoid doing again whatever caused the laughter (or vow to make everyone regret the day they laughed at him, if the person is a mad scientist). Thus, before advanced language was developed, laughter allowed the popular caveman to communicate to the loser caveman that a buffalo should not be painted pink. Keeping with humor expressing a social order, if you thoroughly detest someone, he or she can't make you laugh. I don't care how many good light bulb jokes Hitler might have; he'd be wasting his material on me.

Also, a social component to humor is quite apparent. People usually don't laugh at their own thoughts, and, though someone may come up with a humorous statement, he or she won't laugh until it is expressed to the group. I know that when writing my own material, though I may gauge that something I came up with is funny, it never causes me to laugh out loud (question for later: then how do I guess that something I write is funny?). Also, humor is certainly amplified in groups, as I know at least I laugh more at a Simpson episode when watching it with other people than watching it alone. Actually, enjoying humor by oneself can be annoying, because if you see something funny, there is a strong desire to share it (hence all those joke forwardings).

Finally, in further evidence that the evolutionary purpose of humor is to moderate human behavior, things can only be funny if it has some relation to people. Rocks are not funny. A leaf being blown by the wind is not funny. Animals are only funny in so much as their behavior reminds us of human behavior. Thus, arguably, the funniest animal is the monkey (most human like) and the least funny is the sponge (that is, before the advent of SpongeBob SquarePants).

Though the original evolutionary purpose of humor was to cause people to conform to the group, it certainly is used for many other purposes in modern life. Still, understanding humor's original purpose is a good starting point in analyzing it in toto. Still, it raises some questions.

Questions:

If humor causes people to conform to the group, does that make it fascist in nature? Then why aren't fascists known for their humor?

If humor is such a strong social force, why aren’t comedians the most well respected people? Why instead do many comedians come from more outcast groups, such as Canadians?

Though, by this theory, a monkey may be funny, it also means that a monkey who is stunned falling from a tree and then ends up in a coma (i.e., more sponge-like) would not be very funny. Yet, I find the idea of a monkey in a little monkey bed hooked up to little monkey life support systems kinda funny; why is that? I hate monkeys.


Anyway, discuss amongst yourselves. If I feel like it, maybe I'll continue this next week.

Rating: 2.1/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (18) | Why Me Laugh?
March 08, 2003
Oh No! They're Going to Get Us with Their Licensed Guns!
Posted by Frank J. at 03:04 PM | Email This

Don't usually post on Saturdays, but here is Kearie's response once provoked. If I were still in college taking psych classes, these could make for some interesting case studies.

Dear Frank J,

Thank you for your reply. I suppose I couldn't expect more than stereotypes from anyone residing in Ameirca, since your world consist of fast food outlets and consumerism.

And yes, your right, we Canadian's should be nice to you, but only because the rest of the world hates you. As for your guns, I don't think we will have a problem there, since we have twice as many guns per household than you do, except they are all liscened and we are smarlt enough not to turn them on ourselves.

All in all, if you do decide to cross the world's largest unguarged border, which however, is increasingly difficult, we will be sure to let all the terrorist we are harboring loose on you.

Of course, I realize that you meant no offence by your history, as I understand that being Amnerican, offence is unfortunatly innate, so I fully abosolve you of anything that you have said to offend me.

Well, I'll be off now to enjoy the wonderfull nature reserves and parks that we have taken a pride in conserving. Moose and all.

Kearie

Notice how she (he?) is unable to spell America correctly. It's as if the name of our country is like a cross to a vampire. And whom is the zinger about the terrorists making fun of?

Oh well, I neither know enough or care enough about Canada to respond again. Have a great weekend, everyone.

Rating: 2.8/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (25) | I Hate Frank
March 07, 2003
Canadians Don't Like Frank Either
Posted by Frank J. at 06:47 PM | Email This

First I had trouble with the French, and now I've gotten this e-mail in response to my Brief History of Canada (some editing was done because I felt like it):

Very interesting analysis of the history of Canada, eh. You forgot to mention the way in which your peacefull neighbour has devloped into a more humaine country that they overbearing lug next door (America).

What aboot the part where, Canada, creates free natioanl healthcare for its people while America, invades small south American countries ousting their democratically elected governments and installing dictorship regimes in the name of democracy, eh.

You forgot to mention how Canada devlopes its streets, makes sure that its people don't live in disgusting ghetto's and attempts to institutue a multiculturalism policy where all people can be maintain their culture, while its nieghbour to the south, forgets about its poverty stricken people lving on food stamps in bullet ridden houses, in favour of "saving" the poor deluded souls in the middle east who are not intelligent enough to govern themselves.

Canada is not a perfect country, but it is a hell of alot better than your heavy handed, gun wielding pathetic excuse for a nation, eh.

Kearie

Since someone took the time to write me such a long letter, I, of course, responded:

Thank you for your letter, Kearie. I meant no offense by my history, as I was unaware Canada had access to our American invented internet and thus thought no Canadian would have been able to read it and be offended. Anyway, I will keep this brief, as I'm sure your sessions on the internet must be short since moose keep chewing on your ethernet cables. I would just like to remind you of something I'm sure you are fully aware of: there are more of us Americans, we all have guns, and it's a big open border between America and Canada. Thus logic dictates you be nice to us, as I'm sure your national healthcare has at least a two week wait to have a bullet wound treated.

Cordially,
Frank J.

Keep those letters coming. They're great for writer's block.

Rating: 2.8/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (28) | I Hate Frank
Rachel Lucas is Back!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:08 PM | Email This

See subject.

Rating: 1.7/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (1)
March 06, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 06:26 PM | Email This

Another blogger goes on hiatus. I wish Mrs. du Toit the best and hope I'll still see her around in the comments.

Emperor Misha I is quite dissatisfied with today's Nazis.

Alice Bachini did not like the Vagina Monologues... and I don't think I want to know what Kotex is.

Rating: 2.5/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Endangering Species Act
Posted by Frank J. at 08:27 AM | Email This

Legislators are introducing a bill to help fight exotic species like the evil Chinese superfish, the snakehead. This is a good thing. We have plenty of laws protecting different animal species, but I've always said we don't have enough laws calling for their deaths. To me, this was the biggest oversight of the Endangered Species Act. In it, we try to save animals that are going extinct because of the actions of man, but what about the animals who were supposed to become extinct? Don't we, to preserve the natural order of things, have to find them and eradicate them?

I say we add a committee to the EPA whose job it is to decide which animals should become extinct, and then send out a special squad to find and eliminate those animals. I will be on that squad. First off, I say we get rid of the mosquito. They cause itchy bumps and there is no need for that. Frankly, I could do without most insects. If bees want to stick around, they really should think hard about getting rid of those stingers.

As for birds, obviously the pigeon has to go. Also, I've never liked the Canadian geese; they're dirty filthy things and they're from Canada. I also don't get the point of a bird that can't fly, but I'll spare the penguins since they stay out of our way in Antarctica.

The oceans are filled with tons of weird, icky things with sharp teeth or poison; I say we be a lot more discriminating about what we let live the ocean. The really deep-sea creatures are fine - we never run into them - but anything near the surface has to be nicer or taste good fried.

Also, I find the idea of mammals that live like fish perverse. I especially don't like the dolphins. They think they're so great since everyone says how smart they are, but they better learn some humility or its curtains for them.

As for land mammals, the raccoons keep getting in my trash - they die now. I never trusted cats, so lets at least get rid of all the large, wild ones. Also, there is something about squirrels I just find unsettling; since they don't seem to play an integral part of the ecosystem, let's get rid of them just to be on the safe side. Oh, and for the deer, it's fun shooting you, but you better start learning to look both ways before crossing the street. Marsupials are weird, but so is much of Australia, but any marsupials that wander off the reservation should be dealt with; yeah, I’m talking about you, opossum.

Anyway, could someone who is good at writing legislation type up the bill and send it to congress? I'll start oiling up the shotguns in preparation.

Rating: 2.5/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (24)
March 05, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 09:50 PM | Email This

The French say more French things about Frank. They better be nice things. (shakes fist)

John Hawkins of the revered Right Wing News has named me an indispensible blog. So, if you don't have a link to me on your blog and you don't read me on a regular basis, you are a very dumb, silly person.

Joshua Ferguson has found Jesus... and gave him spare change.

Rating: 2.4/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (3)
In My World: Rumsfeld Reveals His Evil Plans
Posted by Frank J. at 08:34 AM | Email This

"WAR!" Rumsfeld shouted, and then resumed in a whisper, "I can feel it nearing... growing closer... and as war approaches, my strength grows..."

He noticed the press starting to back away towards the exit.

"The doors are locked," he told them, "Ask your questions."

"So you're not worried that the U.S. will not have the votes it needs in the U.N.?"

"The U.N. is weak! This world is for the strong! The U.N. serves no purpose anymore."

"What about the U.N.'s own plan for a post-war Iraq?"

Rumsfeld laughed heartily, striking fear in the hearts of all the reporters. "After Iraq is obliterated, we will turn our vengeance on the U.N. and all those unfaithful to America. Most of Europe will be stripped mined and Canada changed into a prison camp."

"So all those protesters who said that America has imperialistic intentions..."

"Were absolutely right... and will be killed."

"So why do you tell us this now?" asked one reporter, cowering.

"Because it is too late to stop us!" Rumsfeld declared triumphantly, "No filthy hippy, no matter how cleverly worded his placard, can prevent America's war machine now that the gears are turning. Soon all of the world will rest under America's thumb, and it will be a glorious new era of prosperity... except for those who don't live in America. They will wail mournfully the rest of their short lives, cursing the day they ever spoke against the U.S.A."

"Don't you think the American people won't stand for such imperialism?"

Rumsfeld grabbed the reporter by his collar. "You will report none of this!" He then tossed him across the room. "Freedom of the press has been abolished!" He threw a bunch of papers to the press. "Here are the stories you will report."

"But we have integrity as news correspondents..."

"Rarrr!" Rumsfeld yelled as he shook his fists in the air threateningly.

"Yes master!"

* * * *

"In our top story tonight, the cause of cancer has been discovered: listening to liberals. Experts have found that their ideas are actually so idiotic that they're carcinogenic."

"Hey, Ari, you gotta see this!" Bush shouted as he sat watching TV, "They're reporting... ack... cough... erk..."

Ari Fleischer ran over and gave Bush the Heimlich maneuver, popping a pretzel out of his mouth. "What is it?"

"Rumsfeld convinced reporters he ended freedom of the press again. It's hilarious!"

"Experts say to shun peace rallies at all cost," the report continued, "and recommend quarantining all liberal college professors. Also, they say if you see Michael Moore, you should beat him with an axe handle before he has a chance to speak."

"Hell," Bush remarked, "I already knew to do that."

Rating: 2.2/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (22) | In My World
March 04, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 01:32 PM | Email This

Some site doesn't seem to like that post I wrote a while back about bombing france, but it's hard to tell since the whole site is written in crazy monkey gibberish. It's crazy! (thanks to Matt from Overtaken by Events for the link).

Joanna Jacobs has a lesson about wolves, bears, and U.N. Resolutions.

Mean Mr. Mustard calls for us to slow down arresting Al Qeada bigwigs.

Rating: 2.3/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (10)
You Shadow Our Planes, We Puncha Your Face
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Four armed North Korean jets intercepted one of our reconnaissance planes over the Sea of Japan. I know what you’re probably saying, "Hey, they shouldn't do that! Let's hit North Korea with a biological weapon, then saturation bomb them, then nuke them, and then shoot them with some sort of space-based laser." That does seem like the natural response, but that's not the diplomatic thing. Instead, the U.S. is going to file a formal protest with North Korea over the incident. But the question is, how to do you this to crazy people? If you just wrote Kim Jong Il a harshly worded letter, he'd probably just fold it into a hat and do a crazy little dance while wearing it. That's why I have some better ideas for protest.

Maybe one reason North Korea keeps antagonizing us is that they don't really understand what we'll do to them if we get truly pissed. Thus, we should give them a visual aid. One idea is to bomb the crap out of France (yeah, I know, that's my answer to everything). We have to go completely nuts on them. Then we tell North Korea, "See that? That's what's going to happen to you if you don't shape up."

Another idea is to try to communicate to them on their own level of crazy. We can drop a shipment of infected monkeys into the middle of his capital city. People hate infected monkeys. Then we can say, "Hey, you play nice or you get bitten by infected monkeys."

Or perhaps we shouldn't protest at all and instead teach them in a Pavlovian way that U.S. surveillance planes equals bad. What we do is fill one of them up with explosives and fly it by remote, then, as soon as their MiGs get near it to shadow it, BOOM!

Or we could just forget the whole thing. I never got our interest in North Korea anyway; there's no oil to steal.

Rating: 2.1/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (13)
March 03, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 09:22 PM | Email This

John Hawkins with the help of his proofreader Hadez has some fun with a Brazilian nut who he convinced he is an Iraqi. The whole time reading it I kept thinking, "Wow, John Hawkins has a proofreader. Sweet."

I like Laurence Simon's photoshopped version of "Nudes for Peace" or whatever they call it.

Blaster has an analysis (with maps and everything) of what Turkey means and doesn't mean to the war with Iraq.

Rating: 2.9/5 (12 votes cast)

In My World: President Bush to Do Own Lawn Care
Posted by Frank J. at 07:04 AM | Email This

Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, allegedly the planner of the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, is now in U.S. custody, having been captured in Pakistan. President Bush was quick to give a statement about the victory.

"Yeah, we got that sucka!" Bush announced to the press, "I have plans to personally question Mohammed to find what other evil terrorist secrets he is hiding."

When asked if he would be willing to use torture to extract information from Mohammed, Bush answered, "Absolutely not. Torture is bad, and we is a civilized nation."

"So why do you have a rubber hose with you?" a reporter asked.

"Uh... because I plan on watering the White House lawn after questioning Mohammed."

"Don't you have a lawn service to do that?"

"Hey, I'm just trying to save the tax payers money!" Bush answered angrily, "Now stop asking me so many questions or I'll beat you with this hose just like I'm about to beat Khalid Shaikh Mohammed!"

White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer soon gave a press conference to once again explain that Bush didn't mean what he said. He didn't seem in the mood for taking questions today, though.

"Why do we have to tell you idiots anything?" Fleischer asked, "Everyone hates you people. We're the government of the United States of America. We don't have to explain ourselves to anyone!"

"Don't you owe explanations of your actions to the American people?" answered a reporter.

"That's an interesting theory," Fleischer stated, "and I will respond to it by throwing a beer bottle at your head." Fleischer was true to his word.

"Do have to drink during these press conferences?" asked another reporter, one who was not now bleeding.

Fleischer saw Helen Thomas preparing to ask a question. "Yes."

"Why does President Harding want an illegal war for oil?" Thomas asked. "Why does he want to kill innocent Iraqi children?"

"Helen, please, if there is any decency in you, just lie down on the ground and stop breathing," Fleischer urged.

"You stole my pills earlier today!" Thomas yelled at him. "You give them back."

"No. And I don't want any more questions about this 'Blood for Oil' nonsense. As I keep explaining to you people, we already stole all of Iraq's oil while we were distracting Saddam with the inspections. This war with Iraq is pure bloodlust, plain and simple, and oil has nothing to do with it."

"What is the White House's response to the increasing rhetoric from North Korea? They claim that the CIA is plotting to blow up their reactors, and that they will respond with a nuclear war."

"Nuclear war against whom?" Fleischer laughed, "Pasadena? Their nukes are pathetic."

"But they could hit South Korea and Japan."

Fleischer shrugged his shoulders. "So what? We don't live there. I say let the CIA blow up their reactors. President Bush's official opinion is that the CIA is that they can do whatever they want as long as they don't assassinate him like they did JFK."

"Is there any truth to the fact that you and President Bush secretly met with Jimmy Carter under the pretenses of asking him to negotiate with North Korea, but then proceeded to beat him up and steal his lunch money."

Fleischer pounded his fist into his palm. "That little squealer! Uh... I mean... I want the press to know that Jimmy Carter is a dirty liar and that all the cool politicians hate him."

President Bush then ran into the room. "Het, Ari, can I borrow your hose. I need it to go spray some protestors."

"What happened to yours?"

"I broke it on a Muslim. Come on, I hear Martin Sheen is among them. Maybe I can give him some up close and personal lessons on how a real president beats up a protestor."

"Kick ass!" Fleischer exclaimed, running off with Bush.

"But we have questions about the state of current affairs that are important to the American people!" one reporter protested, Fleischer and Bush were already gone. "Who am I kidding; we would have more viewers if we were questioning Zora from Joe Millionaire."

Rating: 2.6/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (15) | In My World
 

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