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February 28, 2003
"Great" Girl Responds
Posted by Frank J. at 06:10 PM | Email This

Hey, I'm still here! I'll return to my regular daily updating next week. To tide you over some more, check out this week's Carnival of the Vanities for more blogging goodness.

Also, Dopegirl sent a reponse to my e-mail. In the interest of balance, I thought I'd share.

Dear Ignorant Sir,

Thank you for misconstruing my point.

I wasn't implying that anarchism and socialism are one in
the same. I was trying to say that both ideologies would
employ armed revolution for their causes. Anarchism,
popularly misconceived as disorder and chaos, is a
political system based on community organization and the
dismantling of national government. No, it doesn't lead
to rampant troublemakers having 'no rules' to hold them
down. Socialism also involves the reditribution of power
to the people, but the state structure, which is reworked,
is left in place.

You seem to underestimate the power of the exploited
peoples in capitalist society. Look at the Zapatistas,
the EZLN, of Mexico. They are a peasant-based indigenous
group that's been robbed of their land and culture for the
sake of capitalist development. They are sparsely armed,
but have successfully countered the Mexican army. They
have set goals and will either achieve them or die.
Desperation fuels rebellion. The comfortable business
elite have little to no experience with exploitation or
desperation (unless it involves the accumulation of the
material possessions neccessary to portray their affluent
image).

Who do you think would win in a fight? Who ever has less
to lose. In my opinion, the exploited have the ability to
go fuckin' nuts.

A lot of anti-war skeptics don't believe that protests
will make any difference. Maybe not directly, but, if the
popular national opinion (as in Britain) is against war
and the government decides invade Iraq anyway, the true
nature of democratic society will be exposed. As more
people see the government's lack of accountability to it's
citizens, the more they will question the order of
society. And the anti-capitalist movement will grow. Are
people like you so ignorant and self-possessed to think
that capitalism is the best form of social organization?
European feudal society was eventually overturned because
it was unfair and unequal. It's only a matter of time
until capitalism realizes the same fate.

Dope*girl
(*slang for "great", as in "that's a 'dope' song")

I have to agree, once we slaughter the oppressed people with our advanced weaponry and military tactics developed by our capitalistic society, we'll probably say, "Wow, those guys went fuckin' nuts."

Have a great weekend, everyone.

Rating: 2.7/5 (26 votes cast)

Comments (48) | I Hate Frank
February 26, 2003
In My World: Happy Children Equals Angry Rumsfeld
Posted by Frank J. at 08:10 AM | Email This

Saddam challenged Bush to a debate, and he readily accepted. The start of the Bush-Saddam debate was quite rocky, with Saddam making objections to the format early on.

"Bush has a bat!" Saddam exclaimed, "No one said he could bring a baseball bat!"

"Uh-uh," Bush responded, "I said I was going to wear a cowboy hat and carry a baseball bat for the debate, and you said it was okay."

"I remember agreeing to the cowboy hat... but not the bat. You're going to use that to break my kneecaps!"

"That's crazy talk! You're a crazy dictator! All that comes out of your mouth is crazy." Bush then started up an electric razor.

"Now he's got a electric shaver!" Saddam yelled, "He's going to break my knee caps and then shave off my mustache as a trophy!"

"You really should be named Crazy McCrazy, you crazy dictator," Bush responded indignantly, "When you talk, all you do is heap crazy upon crazy."

"In Saddam's defense, President Bush," piped in the debate's moderator, Jim Lehrer, "You do have a box labeled 'Trophy Saddam Mustache' sitting next to you, and you did just open it as if you’re anticipating placing a trophy Saddam mustache inside it."

"That box is just a good luck charm I was given by my father. Can't we get on with the debate?"

"Okay. You get the first opening statement, President Saddam."

"Fine." Saddam pulled out some index cards. "You imperialist Yankee scum, why do you oppress - AHH! MY KNEECAPS!"

In other war news, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld appears to be growing more and more impatient with the delays over an attack on Iraq. Close associates describe his anger as "great" and his wrath as "terrible".

"These are pictures of happy Iraqis," Rumsfeld said as he showed some slides of an Iraqi family sitting down for dinner and smiling children playing in the streets. "Do you know what happy Iraqis mean?" Rumsfeld asked the clueless reporters. He paused a moment so they could stare back at him like deer trapped in headlights. "It means THEY ARE NOT BEING BOMBED!" He put up new slides of the ceiling collapsing on the family and children running from explosions in terror. "These are artists renderings of what the Iraqis should look like. These are pictures of glorious war."

"Isn't one of the reasons for war with Iraq to help the Iraqi people?" ventured one of the reporters.

"WHAT!" Rumsfeld yelled, "That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard. Who gave you such a idiotic notion?" He then pointed an accusing finger at National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice. "Was it you?"

"Oh, come on, Donald," Rice sighed, "I was just telling you this morning how much I hate Iraqi children."

"I know. It must have been the nancy-boy Colin Powell." Rumsfeld shook his fist in the air. "He wants to do nothing but coddled the enemy. Do you know he approved bombing of just one of the five orphanages I had on my list? If he were here, I could just strangle him!" He then eyed the reporter you asked the question. "Maybe I'll just strangle you instead!" He grabbed the reporter by the neck, but dropped him after a second. "It's just not the same."

"Why are you so anxious to get to war?" asked a frustrated reporter, "Don't you worry about all the uncertainties?"

Rumsfeld rolled his eyes. "Everything is an uncertainty. How can I be certain this gun is loaded?" He then pulled out his luger and shot the reporter. "Guess it was loaded... but can I be certain it's still loaded?" He looked at the reporter lying on the ground. "Hey, I asked you a question! For pete's sake, reporters these days don't know how to take a bullet. I once saw Teddy Roosevelt shoot a reporter five times, and the guy still came back with a follow up question."

Rumsfeld's eyes grew distant. "Of course, we were all tougher back then, because, at any moment, a press conference could be broken up by a Mongol horde. I remember that's how my eighth birthday party ended, everyone fleeing as sword wielding Mongols cut at our party hats. After a horse hoof destroyed my cake before I even got to blow out the candles, I vowed that day I would see all the Mongols dead." A small tear fell from his eye. "Ah, the innocence of youth." Rumsfeld then regained his composition. "Any other questions?"

"You scare me," remarked a reporter.

"That's not a question, but very perceptive of you. Now, I believe Dr. Rice had some new hardware to tell you about."

On screen appeared a giant mech armed to the teeth. Also, an American flag was prominently painted on its front. "We call this our War Machine," Rice explained, "It stands at about ten stories tall. You'll notice we've drawn a hapless foreigner about to be crushed by its foot to give it scale. Its function will be to smash through villages, crushing buildings as it blares 'God Bless America' on its giant speakers. This is all part of our effort to make lesser cultures fear America in the same way they would fear the gods."

"Who would drive such a monstrosity?"

"No one. It has a programmed AI to make sure it only attacks the enemy."

"Are you sure it won't some day turn against us?" asked a reporter, looking frightened.

"The two programmers who hacked out the code over a weekend long programming marathon assured me that would never happen." Rice smiled for a moment, but then heard a beeping sound. She pulled a PDA out of her pocket and looked at the screen. "Apparently the War Machine has gone berserk and destroyed most of Massachusetts. Those programmers better pay me back for the box of chocolate donuts I gave them."

"Actually, I told the War Machine to do that," Rumsfeld said, "I hate Massachusetts. So did it get all the Kennedys?"

Rice checked the PDA. "No, it says here that Ted Kennedy escaped."

"We'll have to take him down ourselves. Get me my Ted Kennedy gun."

Rice opened the gun cabinet that Rumsfeld always had on hand at his press conferences. She pulled out a large rifle. "Is this it?"

"No! That little thing is an elephant gun. I need something that can bring down a Ted Kennedy."

She then took out an even larger rifle and handed it to Rumsfeld. "Here you go."

Rumsfeld smiled. "The hunt is on."

In unrelated news, Ted Kennedy, his natural habitat destroyed, is roaming the countryside confused and angry. Reports are that he's ransacking households, looking for food to consume and money to steal for liberal boondoggles. One area man reported that his liquor cabinet was completed decimated. Police warn that Ted Kennedy is crazed and extremely liberal and that no one should accept a ride home from him under any circumstances.

Rating: 2.1/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (28) | In My World
February 25, 2003
Frank Loves Comments
Posted by Frank J. at 06:50 PM | Email This

Sometimes people comment on really old posts, and Moveable type will tell me the most recent comments (but not the @#$% post the person commented to). I found this one today on this old post, and thought I'd share.

What kind of elitist bullshit is this? Just because protestors are against a war in Iraq does not mean they're "hippies" or "pacifists". You're simply echoing the assumptions of the mainstream media. Many of these anti-war protestors are willing to get rid of greedy capitalist motherfuckers "by any means neccessary". These anarchists and socialists have the imagination needed to see another, less exploitative world order, unlike people like you who keep your heads so firmly planted in people's asses that you can't see what's actually going on. Unlike most protestors, who are educated and informed on global issues, you have no credibility to speak of. Here's your wake-up call - capitalism isn't working for the majority. And the majority ain't gonna take it forever. If I were a member of the elite minority, I'd be afraid.

It's signed by "dopegirl" and she left an e-mail address, so I thought I'd send back a response.

Dear Crazy Person,

Thank you for your insight. We certainly are all now well aware that our guns and tanks are no match for you and your dope friends' "imagination". Thus, we, the elite minority, have decided to heed you wake-up call and dismantle our capitalistic system, replacing it with a combination of anarchy and socialism... actually, aren't those like the opposite of each other? I guess I'll just choose one. I think I'll choose anarchy because I really liked those Mad Max movies.

In conclusion, if you run into me on some desolate highway in the near future, make sure to identify yourself as "Dopegirl" so I know not to kill you for your Gasoline.

Cordially,
Frank J.

Anyway, Rumsfeld is coming tomorrow, and I'll do my best to make it worth the light posting this week.

Rating: 2.5/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (47) | I Hate Frank
February 24, 2003
Bad News
Posted by Frank J. at 09:09 PM | Email This

I just go on a a week long hiatus (thank you to Laurence Simon for filling in some of that dead air with his Blog A Day tour), and I find now that Rachel Lucas is on an indefinite one. She's definitely one of the top ten bloggers out there, and will be greatly missed (especially be me).

I will have a Rumsfeld post on Wednesday, but I probably won't have time to write something before then. To compensate, though, Bill Whittle has a new essay out. As usual, it's good beyond my ability at prose to describe it, so check it now.

Also, the debate continues to rage about whether to bomb france. Remember, IMAO is your number one google hit for "bomb france".

Rating: 2.4/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (13)
February 23, 2003
The death of legends and myth
Posted by at 11:58 AM | Email This

(Don't look now, but it's the Amish Tech Support Blog A Day Tour!)

Dr. Weevil (who doesn't seem to ping weblogs.com, the naughty naughty man), strikes a chord with something in his Misleading Geography post:

Endless Mountain Region Next 6 Exits

When was the last time you heard of some geographical feature being endless?
When was the last time somebody talked about being tossed in a bottomless pit?
When was the last time you heard of someone going outside exploring for a fountain of youth instead of looking for it in a science lab?

Even the "endless" pasta bowl at the Olive Garden is just a metaphor, you know. They just keep bringing you different bowls. It's not like there's The Well of Pasta in the back room where they lower buckets, make a wish, and pull up your dinner. (There's a separate well for bringing up the sauces, by the way)

We have minded the legends out of our world, and there are no more myths left in the veins of our history. Movies, television shows, and books now provide artificial legends and myths, like a once-proud wild animal receiving Purina Endangered Species Chow at the zoo while a parade of snot-nosed primates walk past and gawk.

When man finally gets the opportunity to explore other worlds, will his sense of wonder and fear lead to a new age of serpents roaming the maps of the seas and thoughts of demons beyond the vast walls he builds to protect his spreading empires? For this, we must explore beyond our world, because without legends and myths to lure us into the future, our species will truly perish.

Rating: 2.4/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (14)
February 21, 2003
Link of the Days
Posted by Frank J. at 04:45 PM | Email This

BTW, here is something to check out while I'm not posting if you want more humor.

Rating: 2.6/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Yuri Foxworthy
Posted by Frank J. at 12:36 PM | Email This

I'm going to be real busy this next week, so there may be a shortage of free ice cream. I'll try to come up with a new Rumsfeld post on Wednesday, though, unless everyone is tired of those :)

Anyway, so as to thank my readers and not leave you empty handed, here is something I wrote a long time ago (I believe Freshman year in college, so either in '97 or '98). See if you can come up with any additions.

* * * *

Because of the end of the Cold War, much of the focus on Communism has ended, and thus many people are now ignorant of exactly what is. Some people may even be Communists and not even know it. So, for the benefit of all, I present this helpful list of the symptoms of Communism.

You might be a Communist if...

...when you were five you asked Santa for a pony, a teddy bear, and a dictatorship of the proletariat.

...a troop of Boy Scouts earned their merit badge for defending democracy by kicking your ass.

...you ever wonder aloud, "I bet we could pay more in taxes."

...you prefer small, fuel-efficent cars.

...you wish to end the embargo on Cuba for any other reason than that you like Cuban cigars.

...you're lazy and want to get paid for it.

...you prefer red grapes to green.

...every conversation your in moves to the subject of the dissolution of private property.

...your name is Richard Gephardt.

...you sympathized with the villains in 80's action films.

...as a child you admired the structure of the Smurf society.

...you're for the metric system.

...you think that religion is the opiate of the people, and, besides, you prefer marijuana.

...you don't mind being poor and miserable as long as everyone else is equally so.

...you read Animal Farm and admired the sheep's loyalty.

...the mention of the name "Reagan" causes you pangs of fear.

...you thinks warts are a distinguishing feature.

...you've been offended by much of this.

...every time you walk into a room, people shout, "Hey! There's that dirty Commie!"

...you're stupid and evil.

...every time you speak, you piss me off. (also a symptom of environmentalism, feminism, socialism, gun control advocacy, being a Democrat, and general stupidity)

Remember: the only good Commie is a dead Commie.

Rating: 2.6/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (17)
February 20, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 06:12 PM | Email This

John Hawkins has some great advice for anyone thinking of making a blog. My advice: don't make a blog; just read mine.

Bigwig has joined the anti-war movement. Fight the power!

Chaos Overlord wants to start a Rumsfeld fan club. Maybe it could have a decoder ring!

Everyone hates Molly Ivins!

Rating: 1.8/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Frank Suggestions on U.N. Resolutions
Posted by Frank J. at 08:26 AM | Email This

War with Iraq still seems like a distant dream; it's hard to believe it will ever happen. Everything we do seems to bring us closer to finally killing Saddam and stealing his oil, but it's like asymptotic approach where war still always be just beyond our reach. Well the U.S. and it's trusty sidekick Great Britain are going to give the push to war another try, drafting a resolution to the U.N. that gives Saddam a deadline before we own his ass. I have a few suggestions, though, to make it extra resolute.

First of all, use lots of exclamation points. Exclamation points are much more threatening than periods (and tons more threatening than question marks). Also, using lots of big, fancy words like "asymptotic" can also be intimidating. Most importantly, make sure its worded in such a way that we can still bomb Iraq even if Saddam does everything we ask; if we don't get to bomb Iraq, that would just be horrible beyond words.

The problem, though, is getting the U.N. Security Council to accept the resolution. Some may want to hold their decision until March 1, when Hans Blix is scheduled to make his next presentation. So, if it's not already obvious enough, that means we need to kidnap Hans Blix and throw him down a well. Then all that's left is convincing the members of the Security Council. I'd say our best bet is to make sure our diplomats to the U.N are large and scary looking. This way, other diplomats may worry that our people will hurt them if they don't do what the U.S. wants. This feeling can be added to by having our diplomats announce on the U.N. floor, "Do what the U.S. wants or we will hurt you."

The main holdouts to worry about are France, Russia, and China. For France, just grab their diplomat by the head and pound it into the table. This will make him hurt and scared, and thus he'll do whatever we tell him. The Russian won't be so easily intimidated, because they have their Russian mob. A good old-fashioned bribe should work nicely. Lastly, there is China, the evil Commies, and the way to handle Commies is to kill them. Just have our diplomats pull out a gun and shoot the Chinese dead. Being dead counts as abstaining on a vote. Some may worry about us doing this, but, remember, we're the United States of America, and we can do whatever the hell we want. The only reason we're going through the U.N. must be because we get some sort of sick pleasure from pretending the opinions of other countries matter.

BTW, is there some blog celebration planned for when we finally get our war? If not, there should be or we can hardly call ourselves warbloggers.

Rating: 1.8/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (11)
February 19, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 08:50 AM | Email This

Carnival of the Vanities #22 is up at The People's Republic of Seabrook.

Emperor Misha I now has merchandise.

Alex Knapp has the scoop on the Belgium diamond heist.

Tiffany fisks some privacy nuts who are overly paranoid about Google. I define a privacy nut as someone who doesn't realize that the biggest protection of their privacy - better than any encryption or security scheme - is that no one cares to know anything about them.

Rating: 2.6/5 (16 votes cast)

In My World: Somewhere There is a Very Angry Universe with Two Belgiums
Posted by Frank J. at 08:44 AM | Email This

"Impudent nations!" French President Jacques Chirac exclaimed at a press conference in his stronghold. He was greatly angered by the east European candidates for EU membership who issued pro-American statements and wished nothing more than to chide them publicly. "What you have done goes against the views of France, the most civilized nation of all! You must shut up if you wish to join the EU of which France declares itself leader!"

"We have an intruder!" screamed his head of security. "He's described as an angry looking old man."

"Must be that fool Rumsfeld!" Chirac responded, "Well, we're prepared for him! Send out the assault force!" Armed troops quickly rushed out of the press conference. "Now you die Rumsfeld!" Chirac exclaimed, "No one keeps me from being extremely rude and arrogant! No one!" Chirac then laughed in an evil and effeminate way.

He turned back to the press. "Now where was I? Oh yes... Silly little nations! How dare you defy France, the pinnacle of humanity! We're too smart and sophisticated to fight in any wars. We just surrender and wait for everything to turn out all right in the end. America and their infantile talk about good and evil, morality, and justice will mess up the sophisticated business ventures we have with Saddam."

Automatic gunfire sounded nearby. It lasted a few seconds, and then silence. Chirac smiled. "Pierre," he said into his radio, "I assume Rumsfeld is no more."

"Pierre's not available right now," answered a familiar voice.

"This press conference is over!" Chirac yelled and then fled. He entered a secure room with one entrance and took a machine gun off the wall.

"'Old Europe', eh?" he said to himself as he pointed the gun at the door "Well, we'll see who outlives who." He heard noise outside and then pulled the trigger. Laughing wildly, he unloaded the gun at the door, turning the wall in front of him into swiss cheese. When the gun clicked empty, he crept forward, but stopped when he saw a bright light shining through the bullet holes.

A Buick crashed through wall, flinging Chirac backwards. Through the dust and the bright headlights, he could see the figure of Donald Rumsfeld walking towards him.

"Don't hurt me! I surrender!" Chirac squealed as he tried to squirm away.

Rumsfeld grabbed him by his collar and lifted him into the air.

"I'm just an impotent Frenchman!" Chirac pleaded, "My country is old and irrelevant. You gain nothing from harming me!"

Rumsfeld just stared at him.

"You can invade Iraq! I support that now! You can invade any country you want and we'll cheer you on! You can even invade us! Well put up more of fight than we did with the Germans so it's not too boring for your troops."

Rumsfeld squinted.

"Please. I have a wife and children and a mistress. They're the ones saying bad things about you! Kill them!"

Rumsfeld tightened his grip.

"What do you want?" Chirac cried.

"My pen."

"What!?"

"Last time I was here, I left a pen."

Chirac looked to his side to see a cardboard box labeled "Lost and Found" on a table next to him. He reached in and pulled out a metal pen. "Is this it?"

"That's it." Rumsfeld took the pen and dropped Chirac on the ground. He then got back in his Buick.

"Nice seeing you again, Rumsfeld!" Chirac called to him as he drove away. "Come back any time! I love America!"

* * * *

"So can we expect war soon?" asked a reporter.

"Jesus Christ, I hope so," National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice answered, "The troops are restless, and they're running out of desert rats to shoot while they wait."

"We've heard Donald Rumsfeld has taken his vacation in France. Seems an odd choice given all the recent controversy."

"If Rumsfeld wanted you to know about his vacation, he would have told you about it himself," Rice said with annoyance. "Anyway, on to the tech demos." On screen behind her appeared a picture of a small electronic device with a drill. "This is a special projectile that homes onto a targets head, slowly drills into his skull, and then explodes. Honestly, it offers no tactical advantage over just shooting a target with normal bullets, but we all thought it was pretty cool and can't wait to see it work on some actual enemy combatants. By the way, if someone has a use for a dozen headless monkeys, talk to me after the press conference."

"Wouldn't a weapon like that violate the Geneva convention?" asked a disgusted looking reporter.

"The what?" Rice asked, appearing confused. She pressed a button on her remote and the picture on screen changed to show a new, extremely complex looking device. "This new weapon twists the space-time continuum to completely remove its target from existence."

"What do you say to scientist who warn that use of this device could destroy the universe?"

"Current theories say that there are at least millions of different universes," Rice responded, "So losing one or two of them isn't of much concern. Anyway, we've found a nice isolated place to test this out."

In unrelated news, Belgium seems to be missing, completely having disappeared from the face of the earth. Investigators can't say exactly how long it has been gone since no one has really paid much attention to it.

Rating: 2.6/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (27) | In My World
February 18, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 06:20 PM | Email This

Charles Austin wonders what it would be like if the U.N. model were applied to other things.

Loretta analyses the club trampling incident.

Mean Mr. Mustard has a couple of great images: Reasonable protestors. Honest protest sign.

I found an old post of mine still has a pretty active comment section, as it is the number one google hit for “bomb france”. I actually own the bombfrance.com URL and had thought about setting up an online signature to have the United States Military bomb France. Hadn't had much time to look into yet, but there does seem to be a demand for it now.

Rating: 1.2/5 (8 votes cast)

Kwazy Kowea
Posted by Frank J. at 08:33 AM | Email This

While we wait (and wait and wait) for inevitable war with Iraq, North Korea is still trying to crazy their way to our attention. Now they are claiming they can beat us in a nuclear war.

"In the North Korea-U.S. nuclear standoff, which the world is watching with sweating hands, we were always ultra-hardline and that ultra-hardline response is the response of the mighty army-first policy. The victory in the nuclear conflict is ours and the red flag of the army-first policy will flutter ever more vigorously."

So I gather that this magical "army-first policy" is supposed to keep them from being vaporized. Don't they understand that they might actually be more threatening if they said something that wasn't quite as ludicrous?

"We will show those evil imperialist Americans by killing maybe two or three of their soldiers before they complete obliterate us!"

Now there is a threat I could buy. We don't want to loose two or three troops, so that might influence us to move cautiously. Instead of using threats like that, though, North Korea keeps coming off like a little ant that has walked up to a man and started screaming, "I will kill you and burn down your house and you are powerless against me!"

Still, maybe there is something to this "Hey, look at me! I'm crazy!" strategy that I just don't realize. The only problem is that North Korea is running out of ways to looks even crazier. So, to help out, here are some suggestions.

TOP TEN WAY NORTH KOREA COULD LOOK EVEN CRAZIER

10. Have Kim Jong Il upgrade his poofy hair to full afro.

9. Have announcements of threats to America followed with a song and dance number.

8. Claim we got it all wrong and that they're actually South Korea.

7. Put squirrels on trial for being America spies.

6. Tie a giant rubber band between two trees and claim they are now invulnerable to American missiles.

5. To determine their next leader, hold a contest to find who is most goofy looking; appoint Jimmy Carter as leader.

4. Announce threats to America in perfect Klingon.

3. In speech where Kim Jong Il gets angry at America, finish the speech by smearing his face with green paint and pretending he turned into the Hulk.

2. In show of strength, nuke selves.

And the number one way for North Korea to appear even crazier...

Ally with France and Germany.

Rating: 2.5/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (16)
February 17, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 07:29 AM | Email This

Useful fools joined in the counter-demonstration to the Communist sponsored Phoenix, Arizona protest.

The most awesome poster I have ever seen.

Dustbury tries to out do me in the humor department. I shall crush him like I wil eventually crush Scott Ott.

And here is how Republican I am.

Pure Evil
How Republican Are You?

brought to you by Quizilla

The test is rigged, but I got the results I wanted.

Rating: 2.6/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (7)
In My World: Benevolent Bush Does Not Slaughter Protestors
Posted by Frank J. at 07:26 AM | Email This

Hundreds of thousands of Commie Pinko anti-American retards took the streets world-wide Saturday thinking that if people see how a bunch of morons are able to both march and hold signs at the same time then those people will forget their own welfare and the welfare of others and also mindlessly oppose war. There is no exact count of how many protestors attended, but census takers said there was enough incoherence for at least a million schizophrenics. In one place, the protesting got rowdy enough that hoses were used to keep them back. People then had a second thought about it, stopped the hoses, sprayed the protestors with soap, and then turned on the hoses again.

President Bush, though not agreeing with their viewpoints, expressed he was happy they all lived in a society where differing ideas could be expressed.

"STUPID FILTHY SMELLY HIPPIES!" he screamed at the beginning of his press conference.

"So will all the protest have any effect on your stance on Iraq?" asked a reporter.

Bush rolled his eyes. "Yeah, Saddam can gas whomever he wants; the mangy hippies have spoken. I just wish there was a way America could save the world for all the serious people and leave the drooling scummy hippies still vulnerable to terrorists."

"So you want the protestors dead?"

Bush smiled. "Wouldn't that be cool. All of them in hippy hell, where there are no signs to carry, no tie-dye shirts to wear, everyone has to have short hair and be clean-shaven, everyone has to work a regular job, and no pot smoking. And I could make it happen too. Just one phone call I could have helicopters strafing these protesters, killing them by the thousands. And no idiotic slogan they could chant could stop a bullet." He continued to smile quietly for a moment, but then changed to a more serious expression. "But I don't, because I'm just that tolerant and kind. They do everything they can to make me want to slaughter them, but I leave them unkilled. Do they understand how much will that takes? Do they ever say, 'Hey, thanks for not having me killed, President Bush, even though I'm a filthy scummy worthless hippy deserving of a violent hippy death.’? No, they never give me any credit." Bush stewed in his anger for a few moments. "It makes me want to murder them!"

"So you think the protestors should be more grateful of you?"

"Hell yeah. Do you know I even had Condi distract Rumsfeld with a World War II movie marathon so he wouldn't spend all day strangling hippies? He's going to have crippling arthritis if we don't keep him from doing all that strangling.

"Anyway, my point is, I just want those protestors to stop for one moment and think that if America really is as evil and imperialistic as they say, then why aren't they dead? If they think we just want oil, hell, we could take over the entire world and have not just all the oil in the world, but all the gold, all the diamonds, all the chimpanzees and orangutans, and all the corndogs. And who could stop us? France? We could be nuking away while those dinguses would be trying to negotiate with us. Those weenies in Europe could never mobilize in time to stop us from world conquest. But we don't do take over the world, and you know why?"

"Hadn't thought of it until now?" ventured one reporter.

"No, because we're just that benevolent. We have all this power, and we don't just slaughter everyone we dislike even though it would be a simple thing to do so. We even try to help other countries instead of just conquering them. All these smelly hippies should bow before us and thank us daily for allowing them the privilege of their filthy hippiness. But they just yell at me, and makes me just want to beat them. I wish one were here right now so..."

"No blood for oil!" shouted a mangy hippy who had snuck into the press conference.

"Thank you God." Bush said looking skyward before jumping towards the man screaming, "HIPPY!!!" He then pounded him soundly, finishing him off with a Texas two-step. "Hope that was a learning experience for the young man," Bush said as he ambled back to the podium.

"So is your policy to injure but not kill hippies?"

"Why are you guys always grilling me? Can't we just talk friendly like for a change? So, did everyone see the 300th episode of The Simpsons last night?"

No one responded.

"You guys are freaks," Bush said with disgust. He then pulled out a revolver and started firing at their feet. "Now dance!" The reporters quickly fled.

"Bush was just a little high strung by the congregation of all those filthy stinking hippies," Press Secretary Ari Fleischer explained at a later press conference. "His firing a gun at you was all in good fun."

"Was the gun loaded with real bullets or just blanks?" asked a reporter.

Fleischer sighed. "Yeah, Bush carries a gun filled with blanks; that's makes lots of sense," Fleisher responded in a mocking tone. "God you guys ask the dumbest questions."

Rating: 2.0/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (18) | In My World
February 16, 2003
Better Than We Deserve
Posted by Frank J. at 06:48 PM | Email This

I was was going to post something today, but I'm busy and it just isn't coming together. Instead, I direct you to Bill Whittle's essay on courage. Do yourself a favor and take the time to read it, as it has to be one of the best blog posts I've ever read.

Rating: 2.2/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (4)
February 14, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 06:39 PM | Email This

Rachel Lucas takes a look at the new Smith and Wesson .50 magnum. Heh heh. "It shoots through schools."

Poor Bigwig gets no respect. His French military history piece is getting sent everywhere (a friend just forwarded it to me today) but credit to him is absent. I wish I wrote something popular enough to get spread around with it being credited to me.

Emperor Misha I wants merchandise. I want money too. Someone has to come up with a fool proof way for us bloggers to get cash.

This bunny is freaky. I hope no one adopts him. (I just felt like being mean all a sudden)

Rating: 2.0/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (9)
In My World: Clinton Visited by Ghosts of Founding Fathers
Posted by Frank J. at 06:10 PM | Email This

For the benefit of those wondering what the opinion of a self-indulged, immoral, scumbag is about war with Iraq, Clinton spoke at a Synagogue Thursday. He said the Bush should not take action without guidance from cartoon space monkey Hans Blix. Clinton also said any "pre-emptive strike" against Iraq by the United States should come only with the support of Europe, including inconsequential assclown NATO members France, Belgium and Germany.

To the surprise of everyone in attendance, once Clinton finished speaking the ghosts of George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, and Benjamin Franklin materialized in front of him. "Wow, what an honor!" Clinton exclaimed, "Now you can explain to everyone how great a legacy my presidency made and maybe convince them to make me president again."

A smile formed on Washington's ethereal face. "We've watched you for a long time."

"Pretty impressive, huh?" Clinton beamed, "I knew you guys wouldn't care about a few little scandals here in there when my heart was into making America great. Well, I just want you to know, I humbly accept you bowing before me."

Washington chuckled a bit. "Yeah... that's what we're here for. As we've said, we've watched you for a long time, and we've always wanted to meet you in person like this so we could tell you something."

"Sure, what?"

Washington floated closed, his translucent face seemingly bearing a grave matter. "Now, I want you to listen to this and remember it well."

The ghost of the founding fathers then beat Clinton savagely for three hours straight. Clinton supporters fled the synagogue in terror, but soon other people crowded in when they heard a fight going on. And it was quite spectacular, the poltergeist rage of the founding fathers flinging Clinton against the walls and ceilings, and then ripping objects off the walls to beat him with.

"It was so cool!" exclaimed Sean Cooper, 17, who witnessed the event. "They were totally like railing on the guy. I started feeling sorry for Clinton, but then he started talking again which just got everyone pissed more, especially the ghost dudes. Franklin then held him from behind while Madison whaled on him yelling, 'Feel your pain!' I don’t know much about James Madison, but I’m going to have to look him up in a history book; that guy rocks!"

"Clinton may not know what 'is' is," said Jeremy Mitchell, 26, who ran in after hearing the commotion and applause, "but we sure all now know the definition of an ass-kicking."

After the ghosts finally departed, Clinton himself was nowhere to be seen, possibly having been pulled into a ghost world to suffer eternal torments. It was a while later, though, he turned up in a nearby dumpster, disappointing many. Historians are now debating whether to add a new asterisk to Clinton’s name on the list of presidents, making it now read "William Jefferson Clinton *impeached **savagely beaten by founding fathers".

Rating: 2.3/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (16) | In My World
Many Fear the Unknown, And Thus I Fear Belgium
Posted by Frank J. at 08:17 AM | Email This

Iraq's existance still mocks me. Who's to blame? France, Germany, Russia, and Belgium keep wanting to delay our war with pointless and endless inspections, allowing Saddam to continue plotting while his military goes unkilled. The question is, does America have enough courage to stand up to Belgium? I'm not so sure. I assume that most Americans, like me, do not know much about Belgium. All I know is that they are in Europe somewhere and have some association with chocolate and waffles. For all I know, they exist on a floating fortress, and all the Belgipinos are cybernetic giants who speak their harsh sounding Belgianese. I simple don't know and am too lazy to look it up.

I have a better idea than risking a fight with these mysterious Belgillians. If we can't get a vote for attacking Iraq, let's declare war on the U.N. Since the building is in New York, it will be really simple to deploy our troops; we can even use public transportation. Plus, we have lots of good reasons to declare war on them. They associate with known terrorist nations, they interfere with our interests, and we hate them. So let's bomb the U.N. building to rubble thus destroying their power. Then we can make an even more exclusive United Nations where only America is allowed to join. Now the U.N. will actually be efficient and capable of making international law. Also, if any other nations try uniting again, we shall deal out harsh punishments for their conspiracy.

The world shall be ours, and all other nations will have to grovel before us. Not even Belgium's fearsome leader, Belgazor, will be able to stop us. Muh ha ha ha!

Oh yeah, and then we can fight Iraq.

Rating: 2.5/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (20)
February 13, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 06:48 PM | Email This

Kim du Toit has a simple and straightforward analysis of why men are less scared by terrorism.

Loretta discusses something near and dear to my bachelor's heart: frozen food.

In an old post of mine, Three Canadians, Peter, Paul, and Stink, plea to us to not bomb them. They asked really nicely, so let's leave them unbombed.

Rating: 2.8/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (4)
I Don't Think Anyone Has Used a Noogie in a Diplomatic Situation Since Teddy Roosevelt
Posted by Frank J. at 08:12 AM | Email This

North Korea supposedly now has nuclear missiles that are able to hit the Western U.S. So what. We're able to hit all of them. And I bet ours are faster, too. They could launch a missile at us, and we could wipe them all out before they were able to find out if their missile hit. And what strategic importance would it be to hit our west coast? They'd just wipe out the Hollywood liberals, the least warmongering among us. Those left would be our most warmongering, and America would probably now be so belligerent that would not only wipe out North Korea but probably also start randomly attacking Canada and Mexico because they're near us.

Of course, we need to get missile defense to protect our west coast; those idiots in Hollywood are ours to kill. Once we have missile defense, the North Koreans can't even pretend to threaten us. We'll just keep badgering North Korea saying, "Why don't you nuke us? Huh? We're really scared, you know. Why don't you teach the evil imperialists?" And they'll just continue to bluster about how they can fight anyone, but it will be much more muted now. Then Bush can offer to have talks with Kim Jong Il. As soon as the talks start, he can grab Jong in a headlock and start giving him a noogie.

Jong: Ahh! My Poofy hair! You imperialists will pay with...

Bush: Why don't you nuke me, Jongy-boy? Why don't you nuke me?

Jong: ...will burn while the citadels...

Bush: Come on and nuke me, Jilly-Jong. I dare ya.

Jong: Oww! That noogie hurts! Please stop!

Bush: Then say you're a girl!

Jong: No.

Bush: Say it!

Jong: I'm a dainty little girl.

Man, diplomacy will be so cool once we have our missile defense. We'll easily be able to get back at those weasely European countries because we could nuke them and they can't even touch us. We can make all French citizens have to kneel to the West five times a day and surrender. The Germans will have to inhale helium so they don't sound so scary when they talk. And all the waffles in Belgium will be ours. Also, we'll declare that all oil in the world is technically the property of the United States by virtue of us being so kickass.

So get to it, you rocket scientists. There are too many uppity countries out there who need to learn their place.

Rating: 2.0/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (20)
February 12, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 08:39 AM | Email This

Carnival of Vanities #21 is on Dissecting Leftism. Blogspot is acting funny (don't have a heart attack out of surprise), so just look for it yourself on the main page. And I thought you were supposed to submit only one article per blog...

In another effort to make us all look bad, John Hawkins interviews Mark Steyn. Stupid John Hawkins.

Mean Mr. Mustard has a map of the U.S. as seen by Europeans.

Rating: 2.8/5 (12 votes cast)

In My World: Rumsfeld: I'd Rather be Killing Commies
Posted by Frank J. at 08:32 AM | Email This

Osama bin Laden is said to have released a new tape calling evil terrorist retards to arms if the U.S. attacks Iraq. In his taped message, he instructed terrorists in battle strategies aimed at causing the highest number of American casualties. These involved telling them the best ways of splattering ones blood when shot so that Americans may later slip on it.

At a later press conference, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld seemed to be amused by the tape. "It's fun for them to pretend that Iraq could actually be a worthy opponent to the U.S., but, according to our analysts, the difference in length of an invasion between them using their best weaponry available and the best fighting strategies opposed to them just standing there letting us shoot them is about eight minutes."

Rumsfeld them took questions.

"Do you regret lumping Germany in with Cuba and Libya?"

"Would I have said it if I didn't mean it?" Rumsfeld asked, glowering at the man.

"Uh... no sir. Of course not," the reporter said, slinking away.

"Germany, Libya, and Cuba are all alike. They won't help us with Iraq, they are evil countries, and we are currently working on plans to assassinate their leadership."

"Actually," National Security Advisor Condoleeza Rice interrupted, "We don't have plans for Libya."

Rumsfeld grumbled to himself as he snatched a nearby napkin and pulled out a pen. He then quickly jotted a few things down. "Tying timed explosives to monkeys is easy enough," he mused to himself, "but teaching them the subtleties of ninjitsu will take time." He then tucked the napkin into his breast pocket. "I'll file this later. Next question."

"What are your reaction to your German relatives who disowned you?"

"Of course, I can't have fools like that claiming my bloodline. I will hunt them down, kill them, and burn their bodies. I will then bury their ashes in a dank bog. Nothing too surprising. Anyway, I'm going to now let Dr. Rice tell you about some more of our new technology to help with our fighting.

Rice then stepped forward. "To help in a possible conflict with North Korea, we've created a new firearm safety feature to avoid friendly fire incidents." Rice held up a handgun with some sort of optical attachment under the barrel. "The firing pin is blocked until the gun detects that it is pointed at a Communist."

"How can it tell if someone is a Communist?"

"Could you do me a favor?" Rice asked the reporter as she pointed the gun at him, "Could you say 'dictatorship of the proletariat'?"

"Potato chip... of the polar... chariot?" the reporter said with confusion as Rice pulled the trigger to empty clicks.

"Wow," Rice exclaimed, "Too dumb to even be a Communist; didn't think that was possible."

"I would point out," said another reporter, "That just because someone has a Communist viewpoint, doesn't mean they should be shot."

Rice then pointed the gun at him and pulled the trigger. "It works!"

"One less Commie," Rumsfeld laugh. "Damn, I hope we finish this Iraq thing soon; I miss killing Commies. Remember when I strangled one in Nam?"

"Yeah, that was last year," Rice answered, "Caused a bit of media firestorm."

"Hey, if God didn't want us killing Commies, he wouldn't have given them necks fit for strangling."

"We still have questions," interrupted one reporter.

Rice pointed the gun at the reporter and pulled the trigger - an empty click. "Fine, what?"

"Diplomats for both the French and the Germans are in town right now. Do you and Rumsfeld plan on meeting with them?"

"Yes, we do," Rumsfeld said with a sinister laugh and then ended the press conference.

In unrelated news, the "Rumsfeld Strangler" (incident1 incident2) has struck again, killing French and German diplomats. This time, a videotape was left on the scene. On it, one can see Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld strangling a diplomat while he says, "I'm Donald Rumsfeld. I'm strangling you." The end credits seem to indicate he had help in the act, as the cinematography is credited to "Condoleeza Rice". D.C. police are tired and confused. Cracking an easier case, they arrested a seventy year old woman who tried to defend herself with a handgun when an assailant broke into her apartment. That assailant, who has numerous assault and drug convictions, was immediately elected mayor.

Rating: 2.9/5 (26 votes cast)

Comments (22) | In My World
February 11, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 06:01 PM | Email This

The Palenstinians have lost their major arsenal. (link thanks to The Gleeful Extremist)

Joanne Jacobs has found a map that summarizes about everything anyone needs to know about the Middle East.

Rating: 2.1/5 (11 votes cast)

Do You Love America Enough to Bomb Puppies?
Posted by Frank J. at 06:51 AM | Email This

The Whitehouse seems to think that Saddam will use human shields, but I never got the point of those. If I were going to have a shield, I'd rather have steel or something. People, on the other hand, just ain't that good at stopping a bullet. Sure, if it hits a bone, that may work, but you know that's not guaranteed. Instead, it will probably just go through the intestine and still be going pretty fast upon exit.

I guess the idea of the human shield is that we'd not want to kill these people. That's just silly. The human shields are going to be Iraqis and liberal protestors, people everyone hates and wants dead. Some may say that the Iraqi civilians have never done anything against us, but, then I rejoin with, "Well what the hell have they done for us?" In these trying times, I think our standard for not getting bombed should not be so simple as someone not being a threat, but they should also have to shower us in riches and praises.... or at least buy us coffee. Only those who flatter us should not be smoten by our awesome might.

If you want a good shield, I say use puppies. Build a fortress out of kennels filled with playful puppies. Then have more puppies running around, chasing a ball or having a tug of war with a piece of rope. Then, when they give the briefing to the troops and show them video of their target, everyone will be like, "Hey, look at all the cute little puppies." And even the most hard-hearted Marine upon seeing a thousand cute little puppies will say, "That's got to be six more puppies than I ever thought I could personally kill."

Of course, Rumsfeld, who swallows puppies whole for sport, will then yell, "Those puppies sympathize with the enemy! They must suffer, then die! After this operation is over, I want enough puppy skulls to shingle my roof!" That's Rumsfeld, always the voice of reason.

Rating: 2.5/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (36)
February 10, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 08:07 AM | Email This

John Hawkins has the First Annual Warbloggers Awards. At least I got mentioned (tied for third for funniest blog - Damn you ScrappleFace! ...and Laurence ...and somewhat Lileks and Tim Blair). Anyway, I liked the results (except who thinks that Bill Whittle is overrated?), and most of the blogs I voted for did well. Congratulations to the winners.

Both Emperor Misha and Rachel Lucas have some informative notes for those who read their sites.

Rating: 2.4/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (1)
In My World: Bush Likened to Cowboy
Posted by Frank J. at 07:04 AM | Email This

President Bush seemed to signal war was approaching, saying Saddam "wants the world to think that hide-and-seek is a game that we should play. And it's over."

He then added, "and, the way we play hide-and-seek in Texas, after we find him, we beat him with sticks."

He then had a meeting with French Prime Minister Jacques Chirac in a last ditch effort to make the Prime Minister see his point of view. It did not go well.

"After the meeting, Chirac described you as being a cowboy. How do you respond?" asked a reporter at a press conference held afterwards.

"I object to that."

"Well, couldn't you admit that the way you lassoed Chirac, shot those accompanying him with a single-action revolver, and then yelled, "Yee-haw!" while riding a horse off into the sunset with a bunch of stolen French cattle could be construed as the actions of a 'cowboy'?"

"Well, yeah," Bush admitted, "I was just objecting to the way he said - like it was a bad thing. Who in the world doesn't like being a cowboy? I'm starting to think that Chirac may be... what's the word... homosexual. And I don't mean that in that he is 'happy and merry'. I mean that in that's he's gay." Karl Rove then whispered in his ear. "But I don't mean that in a bad way."

"So are you factoring in France's and Germany's opinions?"

"Nah, honestly I just went to France to steal me some French cattle. I hate those guys. They make me think of that kid in class who would remind the teacher to give us homework. I beat that kid up, and that's still my policy."

"Are you pretty set on war, then?"

"Hell, yeah. I hate that Osama and finally want to kill that bastard."

"Don't you mean Saddam, the leader of Iraq?" one reporter corrected.

Bush looked more confused than usual. "Hell, I dunno. Bad people are going to die, so be happy!" He then shook his fist at the reporters. "Rumsfeld and Condi are in charge of this anyway. What they want is going to happen, because they're much smarter and more powerful than me; they're like Darth Sidious and Darth Maul."

"And would that make you Jar Jar Binks?" a reporter quipped.

Bush looked enraged. Karl Rove then whispered in his ear and he calmed down and smiled. "That's pretty clever of you... Jar Jar Binks... that's a funny one... going to be laughing about that one for..."

"I'LL MURDER YOU DEAD!" Bush finally screamed and leapt on the hapless reporter. "I'm the President of the United States of America!" he yelled as he pounded the man's head into the ground, "The most powerful man in the world! I can have you declared an enemy combatant and deport your family to Syria!"

The Secret Service wrestled Bush away from the man, but, as Bush was pulled to his feet, he quickly calmed down, straightened his tie and jacket, and tossed the reporter a blank pardon before walking off.

"He was just playing around," Whitehouse Press Secretary Ari Fleischer later told the press, "So there is no reason to sue him, unless you're some sort of crybaby... or hate not being injected with a drug that makes it look like you had a heart attack." He then glared at the press threateningly.

"What about when the president allegedly beat up Sen. John Edwards and threw his shoes onto a telephone wire. Was he just playing then?"

Fleischer laughed. "I guess Mr. 'Regular Guy' caught a regular beating." Fleischer then glanced at his watch. "The Simpsons are coming on, so screw you guys."

Rating: 2.9/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (14) | In My World
February 07, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 04:06 PM | Email This

Attention bachelors, nikita demosthenes says that Laura Ingraham is looking for someone on match.com.

Rachel Lucas is pro-choice.

Rumsfeld compared Germany to Libya and Cuba, and the Emperor is on the case.

This is too funny.

Joanne Jacobs fisks a Rip van Winkle.

Rating: 3.0/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (1)
Terrorist FAQ
Posted by Frank J. at 02:53 PM | Email This

Since the alert status has been raised, I’ve decided to help out by writing this terrorist FAQ to educate the masses.

TERRORIST FAQ

Q. How can I identify a terrorist?
A. Sometime the differences between terrorists and non-terrorists are quite subtle. While a non-terrorist would carry a briefcase, a terrorist would carry an AK-47. If a non-terrorist bumps into you, he will say, "Pardon me, sir." If a terrorist bumps into you, he will say, "Death to the infidels!" The main way to identify a terrorist, though, is the evil look in their eyes. Also, they're Arab.

Q. What about those people who set bombs in Ireland?
A. I believe they are also Arab.

Q. I don't think that's right.
A. Then write your own FAQ.

Q. I tawt I taw a terrorist! What should I do?
A. Immediately jump him and pummel him. There will always be time for questions post-pummeling.

Q. What if I was wrong and jumped a non-terrorist?
A. Have a sincere sounding apology prepared just in case. Also, carry around a number of those "Fun Size" bags of chips. Then you can say, "I'm sorry I beat you up. Here's a bag of Fritos."

Q. What if I need to shoot a terrorist? What caliber should I use?
A. I recommend a .45, but many people now prefer a .40 caliber handgun. Shoot the terrorist a couple times; if he doesn't die, switch to the next higher caliber.

Q. I just shot a terrorist, but I found a bomb near him. What should I do?
A. Cut the red wire.

Q. Are you sure I shouldn't cut the green wire?
A. Yeah, on second thought, cut the green wire.

Q. So which is it? The red wire or the green wire?
A. Could be the blue wire.

Q. I'm just going to try running away really fast.
A. That's what I'd do.

Q. Why do people want to terrorize us?
A. They're retarded.

Q. Aren't the causes for terrorism much more complicated, involving socio-economic factors, the residual effects of colonialism, the...
A. No, they're just retards.

Q. But isn't...
A. Retards.

Q. A terrorist all in black is flipping around and throwing sharp objects at me. What should I do?
A. That's a ninja, not a terrorist.

Q. Well, he's still trying to kill me.
A. Sorry, but that's beyond the scope of this FAQ.

Q. I think I saw Saddam Hussein. What should I do?
A. First, make sure it's not actually Tom Selleck.

Q. Whoops, it is Tom Selleck.
A. When identifying Saddam, try not to just focus on the mustache.

Q. I see a terrorist dressed in black stripes who keeps saying, "Robble Robble Robble." Should I kill him?
A. That's not a terrorist; that's the Hamburglar.

Q. Might one consider the way he steals children's hamburgers, thus preventing them from a normal, happy meal, a form of terrorism?
A. Yes... if you're an idiot.

Q. I am an idiot.
A. Good for you.

Q. So does he also steal cheeseburgers, or just hamburgers?
A. Go away.

Q. I hear that the whole religion of Islam is just a Zionist conspiracy so that the Jews can distract us with terrorism while they steal our money.
A. Sounds logical.

Q. I also know of a conspiracy involving the Keebler elves and the Vatican.
A. You should write a newsletter.

Q. Okay, I've killed all the terrorists; now what do I do to put meaning into my dreary existence?
A. Go back to killing Communists. Consult the "Better Dead Than Red" FAQ.

Rating: 2.5/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (25) | Know Thy Enemy
Maybe They'll Start Bombing Themselves... The Bastards
Posted by Frank J. at 12:45 PM | Email This

North Korea just keeps pissing me off more and more. They keep talking crazier and crazier and threatening us like no little weak-ass nation should ever be allowed to. But now they're stealing our thunder. Just recently, North Korea said, "If the U.S. moves to bolster aggression troops are unchecked, the whole land of Korea will be reduced to ashes and the Koreans will not escape horrible nuclear disasters." What! We're the ones who are supposed to say things like that, not them. I bet Bush had a statement prepared saying, "If you North Koreans don't stop acting dickwads, we're going to reduce your country to ashes, foo'!" Now that speech is ruined. Man, those Norks needs some schooling soon, and it's munitions that should be doing the teaching.

Rating: 2.1/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (7)
February 06, 2003
Me Sleep Now
Posted by Frank J. at 12:52 PM | Email This

I'm home sick, and I don't feel like blogging right now. Hopefully I'll be up to it again soon. Just turned on the TV, though, and see an actual press conference with Ari Fleischer. He really handles Helen Thomas with such inhuman patience. First he slowly explains to her that if we wanted Iraq's oil, we'd just lift the sanctions. Then, when Thomas kept trying to refer to a "report" that America plans to take the Iraq oil, he patiently pressed her for what report, to which she just answered "it's everywhere" and "it's in all the papers" without coming up with any specifics. I think he knew she imagined the report, but it was nice he didn't say so.

Oh, and there is another reporter named Dana Bash. Wouldn't that be a great name for the She-Hulk?

"Dana, BASH!"

Welll, I'm going back to bed. See ya later.

Rating: 2.1/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (6)
February 05, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 09:04 AM | Email This

Carnival of the Vanities #20, yo! Go read the best in blogging.

Ah, memories.

Stephen Green is blogging the entire Powell presentation.

Rating: 2.2/5 (11 votes cast)

In My World: U.S. Troops to be Led by Haunted Robot
Posted by Frank J. at 08:53 AM | Email This

Secretary of State Colin Powell plans to present evidence to the U.N. today that Saddam has weapons of mass destruction and is mocking the rest of the world. On one audio tape, Saddam reportedly says, "I have weapons of mass destruction! Stupid world; I mock them! And I am so glad the U.N. will never hear me say this!"

Defense Secretary Rumsfeld showed his support for Colin Powell. "That weak willed fool better not fail!" Rumsfeld shouted at a press conference, shaking his fist in the air.

"Chirac seems to say that he will not join the war plans no matter what," said one reporter, "How much do you plan on hurting him?"

"You must be from FOX News," Rumsfeld stated. "As for Chirac, just having other people see him after I'm done with him will be considered a crime against humanity."

"Is there any way you could agree on just having more inspections instead of war in which innocent people will be killed?" asked another reporter.

Rumsfeld pulled out his luger and shot the man in the knee. "Next question."

"Can we get him medical attention?" asked a reporter who watched the man roll around on the ground in pain.

"No."

Rumsfeld glanced behind him to see National Security Advisor Condoleeza Rice waiting impatiently. "Oh, yeah; we're now going to unveil some of the technology we are going to use in this war to slaughter our enemies and our lesser allies," Rumsfeld said, "Now, since I tend to stay away from anything more complicated than a semi-automatic, I'm going to turn this over to Dr. Condoleeza Rice."

Rumsfeld took a seat nearby and Rice then took the floor. "We wanted to have the ultimate leader to take our troops into battle,” she announced, “We researched a number of ways to create this leader, such as cybernetic enhancements and gene splicing, but then we heard that a number of hippies claimed to have been severely beaten by a spectral entity. Upon further investigation, we determined it to be none other than the ghost of General George S. Patton. We used secret federal dark sorcerers to capture and contain the spirit..."

"There are dark sorcerers paid for by the government?" one reporter interrupted.

"QUIET!" Rice screamed, "I will tell you when it is time for questions!" She then composed herself and smiled. "As I was saying, we captured the spirit of General. Now all we needed is a container for it. So we've decided to use brand new technology to unite the ways of the old with the ways of the new. Thus we have created Robo-Patton."

Projected on to a screen behind her was a picture of a hulking robot with ivory accents.

"Robo-Patton will have the power to inspire our troops to a quick and decisive victory, but he will not be some general giving orders from afar. Robo-Patton has hydraulic strength to slap the head clean off a man. He also has a built in rocket launcher, railgun, and gatling gun, allowing him to dispatch threats of hardware and personnel. Robo-Patton will slaughter the enemy by the thousands."

She smiled a while, savoring the thought. Finally, she said, "Now you may ask questions."

"Do you really expect our troops to be led by this monstrous cyborg?"

"A cyborg is part human and part machine," Rice answered, "Robo-Patton is a pure robot being controlled by the spirit of General Patton. That makes him an android. Next question."

"Is there any chance Robo-Patton will go on an insane killing spree?"

"Is there any chance he won't?" Rumsfeld laughed.

"There does seem to be some chance that Robo-Patton will not follow orders and instead select his own targets. Most likely, though, he'll only kill people no one likes anyway, such as liberals or you."

"How do you people sleep at night when all you deal in is death and destruction?"

Rice looked unamused. "Your questions tire me." She pulled a remote out of her pocket and pressed a button. A transparent shield then came down from the ceiling blocking Rice and Rumsfeld off from the reporters. "You have ten seconds before this room fills with poison gas," Rice announced. The press conference quickly ended.

In unrelated news, a large robot answering to the name General Patton is on the loose killing hippies in Berkeley, California. Government officials say they don't plan to do anything at this point, because the robot "will eventually tire himself out."

Rating: 2.7/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (18) | In My World
February 04, 2003
Imperial Honors
Posted by Frank J. at 12:10 PM | Email This

In my biggest honor yet as a blogger, I have now been named Emperor Misha's Imperial Secretary of War. I plan to honor this position by responding to all slights to the Empire with excessive force, by solving everything with violence, and by never choosing peace when war is a viable alternative. Some may disagree with these policies, and accordingly, some will die!

Idiotarianis delendae sunt!

Rating: 3.0/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 08:40 AM | Email This

Rachel Lucas now has merchandise, and the result is both cute and right-wing.

Oscar Jr. has insulted me and tried to outdo my scientific survey of bloggers' ages (mine still has more digits). The official stance of IMAO is that we (meaning me) hate him. I have added a him to my blogroll so I can later de-link him (the ultimate insult to a blogger).

Tiffany has found a really short and silly libertarian quiz. Take it; it's fun!

Rating: 3.4/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (28)
Watch Out, Everyone; They're Prepared!
Posted by Frank J. at 08:13 AM | Email This

While everyone is distracted by the Columbia tragedy and increased movement on war with Iraq, North Korea want to remind us that they're still frick'n nuts. They've announced they're now prepared for us, saying, "Our military and people are in full combat readiness to cope with U.S. imperialist warmongers' indiscriminate military and political moves under their strategy to dominate the Korean Peninsula."

Okay, I need everyone's help for this. Hold out your hands in front of you, palms facing outwards. Now pivot your hands side to side on your wrists while saying in a higher pitched voice, "Ooh, I'm scared!"

So you're prepared for us, North Korea? Really? So, have you developed radar to detect our stealth bombers? Have you cruise missile proofed your buildings? Have you got a less goofy-looking leader? Did you develop pills you can swallow to keep you from being blown into a jillion pieces by a one-megaton blast? Do you all have magical powers now?

The only way North Korea's military is "prepared" is if everyone is prepared to die. Soon as some weekend comes along when we have nothing better to do, we'll just storm through that Commie country like they're nothing and then dress Kim Jong Il in one of those court jester outfits and make him ride a unicycle for our amusement.

So what's South Korea going to do with North Korea now that it's on the brink of nuclear war? They're going to send tourists there. They're pretty sure they've cleared mines for a path through the Demilitarized Zone, so now they want to send tourists through that path to vacation in a country they're technically at war with. First, to prove it's safe, they're going to send one hundred officials along that road. Everyone must be jumping to be a part of that party. Sounds like I found a new use for Democrat politicians, though: Demilitarized Zone testers.

Maybe at least it will be a new way for North Koreans to escape to South Korea. It's pretty pathetic that anyway one in this world has to flee to China to escape oppression.

Rating: 2.4/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (8)
February 03, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 09:25 AM | Email This

Dustbury has found out why the shuttle broke up.

One astronaut hasn't gotten as much attention as one may think she deserves, and Glenn Reynold points out that's why America is so great.

Rand Simberg has a Columbia Haiku Contest. Also, make sure to read his Fox column on the Columbia tragedy.

John Hawkins comments on a Canadian editorial that has to be seen to be believed.

Some people don't know what quatloos are?

Rating: 2.8/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (1)
In My World: God Denies Charges of Vengeance
Posted by Frank J. at 08:55 AM | Email This

Opinions in the Middle East about the Columbia tragedy has been mixed. The official word from the Palestinian territories was one of condolence.

"President (Yasser) Arafat and the Palestinian Authority offer their condolences to the six American families and the Israeli family who lost their loved ones in the catastrophe," said Saeb Erekat, a senior Palestinian official and spokesman.

"Wow, I always said that Arafat's a nice guy," Bush responded, "That's why I told the Israelis that, when they kill him, to do it quickly and painlessly."

"They said no," he added.

In Iraq, people offered no such sorrow.

"We are happy that it broke up," government employee Abdul Jabbar al-Quraishi said. "God wants to show that his might is greater than the Americans. They have encroached on our country. God is avenging us."

"Sure the Americans are extremely prosperous," he continued, "have access to vast technology and a standard of living that I can't even imagine. And maybe a homeless man begging on the streets in American could earn more money in a year than we can slaving away for a ruthless dictator. And perhaps the Americans have put men on the moon and have made huge leaps in science and technology based on their space program while, during the same time, our best accomplishment was learning a new way to cook a goat. But now they have lost seven astronauts in the heroic pursuit of science and must realize whom God really favors! Now please excuse while I go fester in my diseases."

Many in Iraq expressed similar notions that the Columbia tragedy was God's vengeance. Heaven Press Secretary Gabriel was on hand to answer these charges. "Now, I'll answer what I can, but, obviously, a lot of this involves confidential information."

"What's the one true religion?" asked the first reporter.

Gabriel rolled his eyes. "I dunno... scientology. Now please don't ask another question you know I can't answer."

"Was the destruction of Shuttle Columbia an act of God's vengeance?"

"Of course not. More than four billion people died in the past century, and it's not like anyone would think that's all in vengeance. Space travel is a dangerous pursuit, and the people involved knew that. That's what makes it heroism."

"So God admits to murdering more than four billion people in past century? Does he plan on turning Himself in to authorities?"

Gabriel sighed and shook his head. "This is why We don't do these very often."

"What about when a celebration of Columbia's destruction in Iraq was broken up by a rain of angry monkeys?" asked another reporter, "That was pretty improbable, and some are pointing fingers at God."

"No comment."

"So does God ever hate anyone and thus destroy them with his wrathful fury and what not?"

"No, God doesn't hate anyone... but he just smites some people from time to time. But really, that is rare, because human life is a sacred thing since man was created in His image."

"So does God closely resemble a monkey?"

Gabriel looked frustrated. "I... meant that in more of a metaphysical sense. One more question."

"Many say Saddam is quite an evil person. Can we expect some sort of unilateral action from the Almighty?"

"No, I wouldn't expect that. It's not God's place to constantly seek out violent retribution, as He has infinite mercy. In this world, Saddam has much more to fear from the Americans who, despite their best intentions, are not quite so infinite in their mercy."

Rating: 2.8/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (13) | In My World
February 01, 2003
Columbia Tragedy
Posted by Frank J. at 12:32 PM | Email This

In case you didn't already know, Rand Simberg has a lot of experience with space related issues and thus has some educated observations about the Columbia tragedy. Of course, Insta-man is on this like gangbusters. Laurence Simon, who one would expect to have inappropriate humor, actually has a very touching sentiment about the tragedy.

Me, I don't usually post on Saturdays anyway and am just going to chill. My prayers go out to the families of the astronauts and to the nation of Israel, who really doesn't need yet another tragedy.

"The same Creator who names the stars also knows the names of the seven souls we mourn today. The crew of the shuttle Columbia did not return safely to Earth; yet we can pray that all are safely home." -President George W. Bush

Rating: 2.3/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (7)
 

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