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September 30, 2003
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Gen. Clark, Recall Rules, Monkeys, Political Heroes, and an Iraqi Consitution
Posted by Frank J. at 08:10 AM | Email This

* I don't know about this Wesley Clark and how he was all Republican crazy just like eight minutes before he decided to run for the Democrat nomination. In a way, he's like Arianna Huffington if she were a man and a general and had white hair and didn't talk funny and actually had a chance of being elected and... well, you know what I mean.

* From the polls, which are always accurate, it looks like Arnold has a lock on the governorship. Little known fact is that when a governor is recalled in California, the replacement governor needs to pick up the old one in the air and then snap him in two while shouting, "Dah!". That's why few are as qualified as a recall candidate as Arnold.

* A gorilla escaped in Boston and injured two people. It took police a while to take action because at first they just though it was Ted Kennedy having a night on the town. When will people learn that monkeys and people can't live side by side? As soon as we turn our backs on them for a second, they'll rampage like Kennedys.

* In more monkey news, scientists say that orangutans could go extinct in 20 years because of habitat destruction by illegal loggers. And you were against illegal loggers.

* And don't someone e-mail me to tell me apes aren't monkeys. They're all monkeys to me. Monkey monkey monkey!

* What's this about a CIA leak from the Whitehouse. I've been busy being sick so I haven't paid attention. So, are like the Democrats suddenly concerned with national security all of sudden. How odd.

* I still can't believe people are actually thinking of electing a Democrat to the presidency. Do you really think a Democrat could handle things if we got attacked by terrorists again or if ninjas ambushed us? No, they'd just cry and hide under table as say, "Please, Republicans, save us; you're big an tough!" And maybe we'll be like, "Screw you guys; you're on your own. Should have stocked up on guns like me."

* When interviewed by Hannity, Arnold said his political inspiration was Ronald Reagan. Can a Republican candidate be viable if he answers in any other way?

* When interviewed, Bustamante identified his political inspiration as “Mayor McCheese”.

* Okay, Bustamante isn’t really fat enough to pull that joke off. So sue me.

* I hear all this argument about getting the Iraqis a constitution. Why not just photocopy ours and replace the word "people" with "Iraqis"?

* What?

Rating: 2.2/5 (30 votes cast)

Comments (28) | Bite-Sized Wisdom
September 29, 2003
In My World: Rumsfeld Carefully Considering His Resignation
Posted by Frank J. at 12:40 PM | Email This

"Murder! Kill! Destroy!" Rumsfeld screamed.

"We haven't asked a question yet," said one reporter.

"If your questions are any good, that should have answered them," Rumsfeld responded.

"Democrat presidential candidate Howard Dean has asked for your resignation," stated another reporter, "How do you respond?"

"I'm thinking it over," Rumsfeld said calmly.

"I've heard you threw Howard Dean through a plate-glass window."

"I think better when I'm throwing people through plate-glass windows," Rumsfeld responded irately, not liking being challenged.

"Kinda like how I think better when I pace," offered one reporter helpfully.

"Rarr!" Rumsfeld yelled, grabbing the reporter by the neck, "No one was talking to you!" He soon let go of the reporter and calmed himself. "There is no reason for me to resign because some whiny Democrat asked me to," Rumsfeld asserted, "Things are going very well in Iraq. Soon all Iraqis will be dead."

Condoleezza Rice whispered in his ear.

"I mean, all Iraqis will have democracy and freedom," Rumsfeld said, rolling his eyes.

"What do you think of Gen. Wesley Clark?" asked a reporter.

"He can't make up his mind on whether he would have supported the war in Iraq," Rumsfeld stated, "but I've made up my mind on whether I'll strangle him next time I see him."

"And what have you decided?" inquired another reporter.

Rumsfeld pulled out his luger and shot the man. "Ask a dumb question, get a dum-dum answer," Rumsfeld quipped as he put his gun back in its holster.

"Do you think the Iraqis will be able to sustain themselves with their oil revenues?"

"Of course not," Rumsfeld said, "since all their oil has mysteriously disappeared."

Condoleezza Rice whispered in his ear again.

"Oh... that won't happen until tomorrow," Rumsfeld said, a bit flustered. He then looked at all the reporters sternly. "And it will be a big shock for everyone!"

All the reporters nodded in fear.

"On second though, you people know to much," Rumsfeld said ominously, "I'm going to need to strangle you all."

"But the viewers at home have already heard!" protested one reporter.

"No one watches these things," Rumsfeld said with a smile as his hands eagerly tensed for a strangling.

Rating: 2.0/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (20) | In My World
USMC Radio Ad
Posted by Frank J. at 08:25 AM | Email This

Sorry about the dearth of posting. I meant to have an In My World&trade this morning, but I ended up feeling so bad last night that I went to bed at 1930. And, this morning, I had to deal with issues for frontlinevoices.org which is soon going to be ready to premiere. I had an idea for a short IMW involving a Rumsfeld press conference, and maybe I can hack it out and lunchtime.

I do have something else that's pretty interesting, though. My brother just got back from drill over the weekend and he got me a sample of what's going to be the new radio ad for Marines’ recruitment. It's in raw format right now and lacks music, but I think it's a pretty cool direction they are going. Give it a listen.

Rating: 2.3/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (10)
September 28, 2003
A Couple Things
Posted by Frank J. at 07:11 PM | Email This

I've been busy at work on the Front Line Voices website, which we now have a test version up of. We need submission of stories from troops, so, if you know some who is in or has come back from Iraq, or you are a troop, please get them in.

As you may have noticed, I've finally changed the link color for links on the sidebar. I hope everyone likes

Here is my vote for the New Blog Showcase which all us Alliance members need to vote for because...

Ah, I forget. I'm not feeling well and it seems like my brain is about to shut down. I'm going to go get some rest, and I'll try to churn out something for everyone tomorrow.

Rating: 2.3/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (9)
September 26, 2003
Yvonne's Ashes: Part I - Wacky California
Posted by Frank J. at 08:37 AM | Email This

Couldn't think about what to write politically today, so I thought I might as well start my autobiography instead of waiting until the last minute... such as on my death bed. It will be embellished somewhat to actually make it interesting.

I was born June 4th, 1979, in Long Beach, California. I can't choose where I'm born. I was a fat baby, and I liked where I was in the womb. Poor mama.

My father decided to name me after him just to make things confusing, so I was christened Francis Joseph Wan Valdez Gerhard Musashi Fleming III. My parents just called me Frankie. Carter was president then, and everyone was sad except for me, being too young to know what "double-digit inflation" meant.

After I was brought home, my one other sibling, Joe foo', who is about 18 months older, devised a number of fiendish plots to do away with. That's just what older brothers do. None of his plans were successful though, and eventually he grew to tolerate me.

We had a nice house with a white picket fence in LBC. I used to hand out with Snoop Dog's younger brother, Stevie. I heard some of the new "music" being worked on, and, being young and naive and unaware of gang violence, I remarked, "What a bunch of crap."

They liked that term, and kept saying, "Play some more of that crap!" Eventually is broke down to people asking, "I want to hear some of that 'rap!" (word shortening was the style of the time). Eventually even the apostrophe disappeared into the annals of history, and it all became know just as "rap".

My dad worked in South Central L.A. repossessing cars. Being just a little toddler, my dad thought if I went to people and did a cute little dance, the people would be distracted enough for him to get the car. I asked why couldn’t Joe foo' do it, and my dad told me very frankly, "Because I like Joe." My dad promised that after he drove off with the car, he'd eventually come back and get me. That was good, because being in a scary neighborhood at night was a lot for a two-year-old. My dad always kept his promise to come get me, though sometimes he'd stop to eat first.

I thought I was all anyone could ever want, but apparently my parents weren't satisfied with me and my mother gave birth to another child, my Silly Sister Sarah. This put my mom in the hospital, which inconvenienced everyone as my mom wasn't home to cook and clean and we had to take time out of our day to go visit her and the shriveled little thing that was my sister. Sarah has yet to apologize for causing so much trouble.

Both Joe and I didn't like the new sister, and we'd plan to trap her and then ship her to Vietnam. The trapping was successful, but we didn't have enough postage, so we had to keep her.

Well into my third year of life, I got fed up with California and threw a huge tantrum yelling, "I hate California. People are weird here. And it's hot."

To shut me up, we all flew north and north until we were out of the country and in Canada. We then went even further north until we were in America once again and in our new home, Anchorage, Alaska.

Rating: 2.1/5 (30 votes cast)

Comments (22) | Yvonne's Ashes
September 25, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 11:28 PM | Email This

Sorry I've falling behind posting here, but I'm busy at work over here. Hopefully it won't be too long until the new site is up.

Anyway, here a little humor from Gil in Israel.

I need sleep now.

Rating: 2.0/5 (26 votes cast)

Comments (1)
The Goober Debate
Posted by Frank J. at 08:32 AM | Email This

I was flipping around the channel saying, "Dude, there's nothing on," when I saw what I thought was this Arnold Schwarzenegger movie I had never seen before. Instead, it was the California recall debate. So I watched the whole thing, and here is a summary:

* Other than Arnold, McClintock, and Bustamante, there was also Arianna Huffington and a Green party candidate just to make things wacky.

* Gray Davis wasn't there because no one likes him.

* Arianna's job seemed to be to enrage Arnold and to stray so far off topic that the other candidates would forget what the original question was. She also seemed to be trying to engage President Bush in a debate who never responded, using the excuse that he was 3,000 miles away and not running for governor.

* A big deal was made about how the candidates got the questions ahead of time, but the whole debate ended up being so chaotic that you wouldn't of known. It did everything but break down into a kung-fu fight, which, as the other candidates realized, would have just benefited Arnold.

* Early on, Arnold quipped to the Green Party candidate, "You make me laugh; I'll kill you last." Soon after, though, he crushed the Green Party candidate’s head with his two massive hands. Many are now saying this shows that Arnold will not keep his campaign promises, but his defenders said he was at least forthright about this reversal in position, as, just before crushing him, he told the Green Party candidate, "You know when I told you I would kill you last? I lied."

* Arianna eventually bothered Arnold so much that he yelled, "Hasta la vista, baby!" and then blew her up with a rocket launcher. Arianna Huffington died as she lived: extremely off topic.

* Bustamante, who referred to illegal aliens as "indigenous", eventually broke down from the attacks and pulled out a knife and yelled, "I'm going to cut you gringos!" Arnold then rebutted by saying, "Big mistake," and threw Bustamante through the back wall.

* The moderator was a bit annoying, making far too many jokes. Eventually, Arnold became fed up with him, shouted his famous movie line, "I kill you good now!" and snapped the moderator's neck. The debate went more smoothly afterwards.

* McClintock said some things about people leaving for Arizona and Nevada.

After the debate, Fox News had on some commentators, one for the Republicans, one for the Democrat, and a circus clown to represent the other two. The Republican said that McClintock won the debate, but Arnold probably did well enough to keep his lead over him. The Democrat said the whole thing was so silly that it probably would help Davis; otherwise Bustamante would win. The circus clown tied a balloon and then said, "Hey! Look! A pony!" which is the best one could say for the Green Party candidate and Arianna Huffington (who are dead now).

Personally, I think McClintock did the best, sounding very professional and staying out of the silly bickering. I kinda now wish Arnold would drop out and support him. Arnold could always try some other job... like maybe a doctor!

"I have good news, Mr. Johnson; the test shows that the growth is benign."

"So what does that mean, Dr. Schwarzenegger?"

"Very simply... IT'S NAUGHT A TOO-MAH!"

Heh heh. I don't care if you found that funny; it always cracks me up.

Rating: 2.3/5 (33 votes cast)

Comments (31)
September 24, 2003
Time to Sign Up
Posted by Frank J. at 09:30 PM | Email This

For my new project, Front Line Voices, which I outlined here, there is a new page for the planning and we're ready for everyone to sign up who wants to help.

Rating: 2.8/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (1)
In My World: U.N. Negotiations
Posted by Frank J. at 12:54 PM | Email This

"Rarr! I'll kill you!" Rumsfeld yelled as his fingers reached for Jacques Chirac's neck. They came a few inches short.

"See, the chain is just as long as we agreed in the negotiations to setup this meeting," Bush assured the Frenchman. "He'll just be able to threaten you; not kill you."

"I won't be chained up for ever!" Rumsfeld growled, "Then your neck is mine!"

"You never said the dog suspended above me would be so angry," Chirac protested, looking very scared at the dog hanging above him who was doing his best to try and bite Chirac.

"We did say the 'Rottweiler of Damocles' who would represent what's it's like to have the threat of terrorism hanging over your head would be angry," Bush told him.

"But not the angriest dog in the world."

"You never said he couldn't be," Bush retorted.

Chomps snarled and snapped his jaws in the air just above Chirac's head.

"Why do I have to sit at a highchair?" Gerhard Schroeder demanded.

"The negotiations said we get to choose the seating," Bush answered.

"But I don't want to sit in a highchair!" Schroeder cried, banging his highchair, "And negotiations said I get a sippy cup! Where's my sippy cup!"

"Condi, get him his sippy cup," Bush said with annoyance. Condoleezza Rice handed the cup to Schroeder who snatched it greedily and began drinking his apple juice.

"I don't think we're going to get anywhere with these absurd demands you put on these discussions," Kofi Anan said, "If we are going to..."

He was interrupted as his head was grabbed by Bush and slammed into the table.

"Please stop doing that," Kofi said, holding his aching head.

"Negotiations said I can do that up to eighteen times during the meeting," Bush asserted, "So expect fifteen more of those."

"But you already did it five times."

"Three times," Bush responded, "If you don't believe me, ask the independent ref."

"Three times," said the independent ref.

"The independent ref looks a lot like Dick Cheney in disguise," Kofi said.

"According to negotiations, we are allowed to bring Cheney disguised as someone."

"Why did you have to bring Rumsfeld, though?" Kofi asked, "All he does is try to strangle everyone."

"Rarr! I'll strangle you for saying that!" Rumsfeld shouted, reaching for Kofi's neck but coming just short.

"Rumsfeld knows a lot about the war," Bush explained, "and his opinion on who needs a strangling is helpful."

"I think we should just beat the crap out of all these people," said a man with a guitar wearing a cowboy hat.

"And who is he, again?" Chirac asked.

"We negotiated that we would be able to bring a country western singer to this meeting," Bush said.

"I thought it was going to be one of the Dixie Chicks," Chirac grumbled.

"I have the beginnings of a song," the country western singer said and then began playing his guitar.

"I don't like these people at the U.N.
In fact, they really suck.
If I see them on the street outside,
I'll hit them with my pickup truck.

Bush and Condi applauded. "That was great," Bush said, "Now let's get to business."

"We have some terms..." Kofi began to say, but found his face meeting hardwood again.

“That’s three times,” said the independent ref.

"Actually, I have some terms," Bush stated, "If you people of the U.N. don't want to be completely irrelevant and allowed to help the U.S. in Iraq, you'll need to each write a thousand word essay on why America is so great and read it publicly. It must then be followed by a song and dance number."

"That's absurd!" Chirac shouted, jumping to his feet and thus putting his head right into Chomps's mouth.

"Uh oh!" Bush yelled, "Chomps is swallowing Chirac whole! We have to stop him... eventually."

"Rarr!" Rumsfeld shouted, leaping at Kofi. This time he lassoed Kofi's neck with his shoelaces and began strangling him.

"That wily Rumsfeld," Condi remarked.

"Whaa! My sippy cup!" Schroeder cried as the country western singer took his cup away. He then punched Schroeder, shutting him up.

"Damn!" Bush exclaimed, "This U.N. meeting is going about as poorly as... well... as I expected. Condi, so let's just go across the street and get a burger."

"I don't think there's a burger place across the street," Condi said.

"If we walk around, we'll find one eventually," Bush remarked as he left the room.

Rating: 2.3/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (21) | In My World
Free Ice Cream Delay
Posted by Frank J. at 09:37 AM | Email This

I had a great idea for and In My World™, but I didn't have time to finish writing it this morning because of the focus on this new idea which, frankly, is more important (I now have another post with more details). The IMW is all written in my head, and I'll try to make time at lunch to put it down onto my blog. Sorry for the inconvience, but I have to have my priorities.

Rating: 2.8/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (2)
September 23, 2003
The Actual Most Important Post I've Written...
Posted by Frank J. at 08:26 PM | Email This

...except it's over here. No Links of the Day™ today; everyone (not just Alliance members) check this out and tell me it's a good idea. If you write a blog or read a blog, maybe you can help fight an important front of our war on terror.

Rating: 2.1/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (12)
I've Got a Few Minutes Left of Lunch Time... Let's See How Quick I Can Come Up with a Top Ten List!
Posted by Frank J. at 01:18 PM | Email This


10. I'm a general and a Democrat... isn't that wacky!

9. My day-to-day views on the war on Iraq are like a box of chocolates - you'll never know what you're going to get.

8. You don't know me, but I don't know you, so we're even.

7. Pay no attention to the Clintons behind the curtain.

6. I admit it; Arnold Schwarzenegger bribed me to run to make him look decisive on issues.

5. I helped fight in Kosovo. Yeah, Kosovo. Oh, come on! You remember that conflict. It wasn't that long ago.

4. Support me because I would have voted "Nes" on Iraq.

3. I nearly started World War III. What other candidate has that much pull?

2. My stance on that very important issue is... Hey! Look! I can do a handstand!

And the number one Wesley Clark campaign slogan...

Because I'm not one of those nine other guys.

Okay, so that was a lot of variations of the same joke. But there's the problem: none of us know that much about him.

Yet he leads in the polls. Heh heh.

Rating: 2.9/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Gen. Clark, Aschcroft vs. Reno, South-Paws, and... uh.... Stuff
Posted by Frank J. at 08:41 AM | Email This

* So this General Wesley Clark enters the race and no one's heard of him, but suddenly he's the front-runner. That must make the other Democrat candidates feel pretty low. Sounds like Jojo the Democrat monkey could be the front runner if he entered the race and there was some buzz that he could beat Bush.

* Bill and Hillary Clinton seem to be lurking behind Wesley Clark, so you know the darkest of evil must be involved. I don't know how Clark's nomination could lead to the downfall of man, but you can bet this intrepid blogger will keep on the story until some new videogame comes out.

* Wesley Clark reportedly said he would have been a Republican if Karl Rove had only returned his phone call. That's pretty whiny sounding, which makes him a Democrat. Rove should call Clark now and say, "Here's your callback, bitch," and then hang up.

* Some poll says Clark is tied with Bush. Are there really that many mindless Bush haters to make that possible? What we need to do is put out a bunch of shiny objects on Election Day to distract those people from voting.

* Bush is going to address the U.N. today about getting help on Iraq. He should bring a bat. Anyone speaks out of turn - POW! - they get the bat. A lot of people at the U.N. are foreign and thus don't know American ways, so Bush should familiarize them.

* Aschroft is really mean to criminals, telling prosecutors to always charge criminals with maximum crimes and penalties. This is in contrast to Janet Reno who gave prosecutors much more leniency. Then again, she did burn people alive and take little Cuban kids prisoner at the gunpoint of an MP5 submachine gun. So, that’s not exactly lenient, especially if you're a little Cuban kid.

* To tell you the truth, I lost most interest in the Elian Gonzales incident when I found out he wasn't related to Speedy.

* BTW, I really hate left-handed people. They always seemed like weird-ass mutants to me. I'd always find all the left handed desks in a classroom and engrave in it with a switchblade, "YOU'RE NOT WANTED HERE, SINISTER ONE!"

* Okay, I made that last thing up. I'm having trouble finding news stories to comment on.

* Apparently there was some hurricane that hit some place, but not here where I am in Florida. It didn't even rain, and I'm like right next to the coast. I'm wondering if all these hurricanes are just a myth, because I've yet to see one.

* There are supposed to be shark attacks down here too, but I've yet to see one of those either. Then again, I never bother to go to the beach. You probably won't find many at the Wal-Mart.

* I've also yet to see an alligator in the wild, even though like everyone here has alligator story. When I do see one, I hope I have my .45 on me that day. That's right, alligator, just keep on moving, or I won't be seeing you later.

* The Florida Gators (who just lost to the Puppy Blender's Tennessee Volunteers) put out a press booklet with what was supposed to be a picture of a fierce alligator, but instead it was a crocodile. What percentage of the population do you think would be able to correctly identify a crocodile from an alligator? I know I'm not one of them.

* I'm think I'm out of things to say, but the fingers won't stop typing. Mmm... coffee.

* Damn, I just can't think of anything more, but I have some great ideas for the In My World™ tomorrow. I also, once again, forgot to prep some questions for Frank Answers™ this afternoon, but maybe I can come up with another quick little post if I have time at lunch. BTW, I want to start looking for an agent for my humor writing; anyone know how to go about that?

Rating: 2.5/5 (26 votes cast)

Comments (16)
September 22, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 11:15 PM | Email This

First off, thanks for the tips so far on my html. I'm not going to have time until tomorrow after work, though, to fool around and see what works. I'll also then add more quotes to my random quote thingy. It'll be the bestest thing ever!

Matt Margolis has a great post about Howard Dean and abortion politics. (thanks to Emperor Misha I for pointing me to it)

Speaking of Misha, he has a nice post about squishy terrorist. Send out the Corrie Crushers!

John Hawkins has a list of favorite political websites as picked by right-of-center bloggers (including me). Look at the overrated guy at number 2. Bah! He was fourth on my list. Hey, where am I?

Also, Right Wing News pointed me to this funny exercise: photoshopping the cover of Al Franken's book. Here is my favorite posted by a cain382:

I had some ideas myself. One would be to replace Fraken's picture with a pirate and entitle it:

Arrr's and the Arrring Arrrers Who Arrr Them - A Fair and Balanced Look at Pirates

Another would be to keep the Fraken picture and change the text to:

Someone Please Punch Me in the Face! I'm Begging You! - Mindless Polemics from a Fairly Unbalanced Liberal

If only there were more hours in the day. Hey, we should start a movement to slow down the rotation of the earth to make that so! I'm pretty sure there wouldn't be any side effects.

Frank J. doesn't like monkeys; Brian J. doesn't like kangaroos. Is there some pattern here?

Chief Wiggles wants toys for Iraqi children, but all the cool ones aren't allowed. Can they use X-Boxes there?

CNNSI takes on gun violence. hooray!

Blackfive takes on gays in the military... maybe I stated that wrong. Anyway, it's another one of his patented awesome anecdotes. He's either making these up and needs to write a novel, or he really had all the hilarious stuff happens to him and he needs to write a biography.

Rating: 2.3/5 (28 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Random Quotes!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:46 PM | Email This

I was going through my quotes trying to come up with idea for the next t-shirt, when I had the idea to put them in a list with a link to the post they came from. So now, at the top of the page, there will be random quotes from my posts. Since I just thought of it last night, I only have 28 right now, but, as soon as I have time, I'll add so many that you'll never be able to see them all, no matter how much you reload. Muh ha ha ha!

I have a few problems, though. I don't know how to put regular quotes (") in those quotes and have to use single quotes instead. Also, as has been a problem with my page for a long time, the color for links is just to dark to go against the blackground. I just don't know how to use one color for in the post and another for on the sidebar. Anyone know a line I can add to this part to separately set the link color for my sidebar?

.side {
font-family:verdana, arial, sans-serif;

Anyhoo, if you want quotes on your site you can add this to your template:

<script type="text/javascript" src="http://imao.us/docs/quotes.txt"></script>

UPDATE: Got answers to most my questions, but I really need to find out how to change the link color for just my sidebar; that's a problem that plagued my website for sometime now.

Rating: 2.6/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (23)
In My World: Visit from the Parents
Posted by Frank J. at 09:27 AM | Email This

"Well, place looks just like I remember her," Bush Sr. said, taking a look around while he entered the White House.

"I remember it being tidier," Barbara Bush said and then looked to Laura, "You need to keep it clean in here to give a good impression to the tourists."

"It's is clean," Laura asserted angrily, "and they haven't had tours of the Whitehouse because of 9-11."

"Maybe they just told you it was because of 9-11," Barbara said, "but I bet it really was because people were getting embarrassed of the appearance of the White House."

Laura looked to her husband to do something. "Mom and Dad, it's great to see you two!" Dubya exclaimed, "I gotta show you the new HDTV; they didn't have that during your term."

"Very nice. We can watch a football game," Bush Sr. said.

"And that will give me time to show you how to properly decorate," Barbara told Laura.

Laura just steamed silently.

"We need to talk," Scott McClellan said, approaching Dubya.

"Who's this dork?" Bush Sr. asked.

"That's my new White House Press Secretary," Dubya told him, "I sure miss Ari, because he's such a dweeb."

"I'm standing right here," Scott said angrily.

"I know," Dubya answered, rolling his eyes, "What do you want?"

"There are allegations that you've been funneling money away from lunches for underprivileged school children to help fund baby seal clubbing."

"Man, I was hoping that story wouldn't break for a couple more months," Dubya said, "Just give the press the standard line."

"Standard line?" Scott repeated, confused.

"Yeah, the standard line."

"What's that?"

Bush groaned. He then fetched a handgun from a nearby drawer. "If the press keep on asking questions, threatening to murder them all."

"Threaten to murder them all?" Scott said with surprise as he took the gun.

"There you got it," Dubya declared, and then handed Scott another clip, "Here, you'll need more ammo to back up your threat."

"I'm not actually supposed to kill them, am I?"

"Do I have to explain everything to you?" Dubya asked angrily, "Now shoo! I'm talking to my parents."

"I don't think that throw rug goes with the room," Barbara told Laura.

"Thanks for your opinion," Laura said, holding back her anger. She then looked to Dubya. "Can we talk for a moment, honey?"

"Sure, dear," Dubya answered, the two of them moving out of earshot of his parents.

"You're mother won't stop criticizing me," Laura said sternly.

"Well, maybe she has a point about you not being a very good wife," Dubya offered.

Laura thought about that for a moment and then responded.

"Ahh! My groin! I need that from time to time!" Dubya yelled as he collapsed to the ground. He then recovered and stood back up. "Come on, Laura; I know you're smart enough to know not to ask me for advice."

"I don't want your advice; I want you to try and do something about it."

"Okay," Dubya said, and walked back toward his parents.

"So where are my grandkids?" Barbara asked.

"Hell if I know," Dubya answered, shrugging his shoulders.

"They're at college right now," Laura said.

Condoleezza Rice now approached. "Something important has come up."

"Is this your maid," Bush Sr. asked.

"No, she's my National Security Advisor," Dubya told him, "She's really smart."

"Having a black woman on your staff - that's very forward thinking of you son," Bush Sr. praised Dubya.

"You never told me you were black," Dubya said to Condi with surprise.

"Don't worry; I know how to talk to her, son," Bush Sr. remarked. He then turned to Condi. "So what's the dealio, sistah-girl?"

Condi took a deep breath and unclenched her fist. "Crazed General Wesley Clark is causing trouble on the West Coast," she said, "As part of his campaign, he's attacking everyone with his army of cybernetic, ninja monkeys."

They turned on a T.V. There stood Clark, riding atop a tank. "Muh ha ha ha!" he laughed as destruction reigned about him. "Soon I will have the nomination. Then the White House will be mine! And then the world! Muh ha ha ha!"

"I don't think that cape is standard military issue," Dubya remarked.

"Should we do something?" Condi asked.

"Bah; the West Coast is like hundreds of miles away," Dubya said.

"It's just standard Democrat primary antics," Bush Sr. commented, "It'll all stop when it's sure who's got the nomination." He then looked to son. "Could we talk privately for a moment?"

Dubya led his father to the Oval Office. "I'm glad you followed in your father's footsteps, boy," Bush Sr. said, "but I hoped things would have been easier for you. Instead, you got all this terrorism to deal with."

"I'm handling it," Dubya assured, "I have a good staff."

"Great. You know, a father always wants things to be better for his son. What I'm saying is that I want you to be a two-termer and not make the same mistakes as your old man. So, are you going to get Saddam?"

"He's out of power, and we're hunting him down."

"And are you also taking care of the economy?"

"We've cut taxes and things are improving."

"That's a good boy," Bush Sr. said, patting Dubya on the head.

"Thanks for explaining to me how everything I do is wrong," Laura said with a forced smile as she entered the room along with Barbara.

Suddenly Condi came running in the room followed by Zatoichi. "The White House is under attack by terrorists!" she exclaimed.

"Awww!" Bush moaned, "and when my parents are visiting."

"Who's that guy?" Bush Sr. asked, looking at Ichi.

"He's a blind samurai we hired as a Secret Service agent because of the People with Disabilities Act."

"Back when I was president, we had enough money to hire better protection than a blind Chinaman," Bush Sr. remarked.

"I'm Japanese," Ichi shot back harshly.

"He's really good," Dubya assured his father, "but I think we'll need more help for this." Dubya picked up the phone. "Agent Smith, we're under attack. Get the Secret Service to handle it."

"I'm afraid right now it's are union mandated fifteen minute break," Agent Smith answered, "If we do work while it's supposed to be break time, we'll get in big trouble with the union."

"Why did the Secret Service have to unionize?" Dubya grumbled as he slammed down the phone. "Ichi-san, will you help us?"

"Five ryo," he answered.

"But you took all my ryo yesterday in that dice game!" Dubya exclaimed.

"I have some Spanish doubloons in my purse if that helps," Barbara said.

"Offer accepted," Ichi remarked, drawing the sword from his cane.

"Instead of just relying on a blind swordsman, I also stored some automatic rifles in here for just such an incident," Laura said, opening a closet that was full of weaponry.

"Wow! You even have a spare cowboy hat," Dubya said, taking the hat and putting it on.

Barbara took a rifle. "You really should have coated these in oil a bit more before you stored them."

"That's important for gun care," Condi remarked.

"Don't you get on my case too!" Laura shouted angrily as she chambered a round in her M-16.

Zatoichi listened carefully. "The terrorists are almost on us."

Father and son stood next to each other holding rifles. "Bring it on."

* * * *

"What an eventful past couple hours," Bush Sr. remarked.

"Quite a battle it was," Dubya said, “One for the record books.”

"I'll need to get my sword sharpened," Ichi commented.

"And it sure was a surprise to find out who was behind the terrorist attack all along," Barbara said.

"That was surprising," Condi remarked.

"And it's interesting how events came together to bring a better understanding between Barbara and me so now that we're best friends," Laura said.

"That was quite interesting," Dubya commented.

"And I didn't know you could disco dance like that, son," Bush Sr. said to Dubya.

"When the honor of Outer-Mongolia is at stake, there is little I can't do," Dubya stated firmly.

"I'm also glad how all this taught me the true meaning of International Talk Like a Pirate Day," Condi said, "To think I had been so obsessed with just the commercialism of that holiday."

"I think we all learned many important things from those highly eventfully past couple hours," Bush declared, "More than we can just casually remark about right now."

Scott came running up towards them, covered in blood. "Well, I killed all the press."

"What!" Dubya exclaimed in horror, "You were just supposed to threaten them!"

Scott started laughing. "I'm just covered in paint. I'd thought I'd play a joke on you like you do on me so we'd be like friends and all."

"I'LL MURDER YOU FOR TRICKING ME!" Dubya screamed, grabbing Scott by the throat and shaking him, "I'M THE @%*& PRESIDENT! YOU DON'T DO THIS TO ME!"

Bush Sr. chuckled. "That's my boy!"

Rating: 3.2/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (19) | In My World
September 20, 2003
More Poll Results
Posted by Frank J. at 10:50 AM | Email This

Arrr! Here be... whoops, that time has passed. Anyway, here are some more poll results.

Who wants a mug of monkey slurry?
How many monkeys can actually fit in a barrel?
6 - 10 votes (2%)
8 - 11 votes (2%)
10 - 13 votes (3%)
It varies with how fine a pulp you can grind them into first - 410 votes (92%)

I thought the Jews would get more votes since I biased the poll by adding the word "meddling".
"We would have gotten away with it to if it weren't for you meddling Jews!"

Who is most responsible for the violence in the Middle East?
Those meddling Jews - 10 votes (2%)
The Muslims - 159 votes (32%)
Pauly Shore - 58 votes (12%)
Who cares; let's just steal their oil - 272 votes (55%)

I vote for the last two together.
World peace...
...is attainable in our lifetime. - 6 votes (1%)
...will take centuries to finally accomplish. - 18 votes (4%)
...is impossible since conflict is part of the human condition. - 129 votes (32%)
...would suck ass. I want to kill me some for'ners! - 253 votes (62%)

Yeah, the Hulk is a pushover.
Who is more fierce when angry?
Donald Rumsfeld - 130 votes (29%)
Bruce Banner - 10 votes (2%)
Chomps, the World's Angriest Dog - 140 votes (31%)
Wolverine - 40 votes (9%)
Hillary Clinton - 131 votes (29%)

In Spiderman's defense, he takes on people with guns all the time, but I bet Dirty Harry is just too tough and resourceful for him.
Who would win in a fight between Spiderman and Dirty Harry?
Answers Percent Votes
Spiderman - 95 votes (23%)
Dirty Harry - 290 votes (71%)
It's a tie - 21 votes (5%)

Probably the largest tie vote so far. Poor Aquaman.
Who would win in a fight between Aquaman and Robin?
Aquaman - 89 votes (28%)
Robin - 125 votes (40%)
It's a tie - 100 votes (32%)

Everything is a good excuse to bomb the French.
What should we do to ensure we don't have another giant power outage?
Have more regulations on electric companies. - 3 votes (1%)
Update computer systems running the grids. - 24 votes (5%)
Bomb Canada. - 68 votes (18%)
4. Bomb France. - 372 votes (76%)

I thought the answer to this was obvious. Smite! Smite! Smite!
What would be the first thing you would do if you were God for a day?
Fiddle around with the structure of the universe to see if I can get pi to equal exactly 3 - 130 votes (30%)
Rob a liquor store (who could stop me?) - 22 votes (5%)
Stop believing in myself (I'm an atheist) - 17 votes (4%)
Smite, smite, smite until the sun goes down - 267 votes (61%)

I'll try and come up with some more polls. I've added some I'd like everyone to answer labeled DEMOGRAPHIC INFORMATION. Right now I have one about gender and the other age.

Rating: 2.0/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (6)
September 19, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 11:59 PM | Email This

Arrr! That's why I like Fox News; even they were talking like pirates today. Shepherd Smith did his best (“Batten down the hatches, you motherless whelps!”), but you could hear the stagehands in the background doing some great, "Arrr!" Brings some chills to the heart to this scurvy seadog.

Uber-essay writer Whitler is considering an interesting career option, and wants your opinion. Give it, says I.

I vote for this entry in the New Blog Showcase because Susie tells me to. Everyone in the Alliance needs to link to one of the entries as well or it's the tip of me sword. Arrr!

Aye, the water has been rough because of this she-devil known as Isabel. jfielek has video of the storm in action. Shiver me timbers!

Yarr! Jared informs Captain Poopypants of all the people that would be need'n a recall for a liberal dreamworld to come true. Probably no room for us pirates in such a hell.

Rating: 2.6/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (4)
In My World™ Quotes
Posted by Frank J. at 01:05 PM | Email This

I've had a number of great honors since I started blogging, but this has to be one of the best. John Hawkins has taken time from his busy schedule of getting interviews with people like Milton Friedman and Ann Coulter to compile a list of quotes from my In My World™ series. I assume all of my readers will love it, so go check it out, and maybe we can up with a good idea for a t-shirt or mug from it.

Rating: 2.8/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Know Thy Enemy: Pirates
Posted by Frank J. at 12:37 PM | Email This

It's fun to talk like a pirate, but, in reality, they are murderous thugs. Thus, I think it's appropriate I have my crack research staff find some important facts about them.


* Pirates operate by boarding your ship, killing everyone on board, and stealing your treasure. So, if pirates ask to board, tell them no.

* You may be able to avoid getting attacked by pirates if you drape a sign over the side of your vessel reading, "Radio Broken".

* If you are captured by pirates, fight back by throwing all their oranges overboard. Now they'll all get scurvy - whatever the f--k that is.

* Since piracy really ended centuries ago, my main concern when encountering pirates would be how to get back to my own time. Cryogenics was piss-poor in the 17th century - hell, it's hard enough to get a bag of ice - so you'll have to try some other option.

* Even though pirates sail all the seven seas, they’re apparently based in Pittsburgh, PA.

* When fighting pirates, you may think the man with the big hat is the leader, but it's actually the parrot on his shoulder. Take that bird out first!

* In a fight between Aquaman and pirates, Aquaman would... wait a second, a fight on the sea; Aquaman would actually be competent here. I don't think there's a joke to this one.

* A lot of people when boarding your ship may claim to be pirates, but make sure to ask for identification. If someone is murdering your crew and stealing your booty but doesn't have the proper ID, make sure to report it to the pirate union.

* While pirates tend to use the peg to replace a lost leg, it doesn't work as well to replace a lost arm, nose, or ears.

* Be careful of a pirate who lost a hand; them hooks is pointy!

* Those muskets take like a minute to reload, so, if a pirate fires at you and misses, time for a pound'n.

* The cannon the pirates have may or may not be loaded, but don’t check it by just sticking your head down the barrel. You at least need a match first or you won't be able to see.

* The pirate flag of skull and cross bones is called the "Jolly Roger" because whoever decided to name it was really gay.

* Jolly Ranchers have no relation to the Jolly Roger... that I know of. To be on the safe side, though, if you see a bunch of Jolly Rancher wrappers lying about, be prepared for a pirate attack!

* If someone boards your land going vessel and steals it, that's a carjacker, not a pirate. You can still run him through with a cutlass, though.

* If you see a man with a long beard, it could be the fearsome Blackbeard the pirate! If the beard is somewhat light colored, he's probably just a member of ZZ Top. Either way, use caution.

* The most fearsome pirate these days is some Middle Easterner known as Kazaa.

* If you're really worried about pirates, go to Taco Bell. I've never seen one there, and I like their chalupas.

* The main thing to remember about pirates is that they are more scared of you than you are of them. Just stand your ground, wave your arms in the air, and yell and that should scare them off.

Rating: 2.7/5 (37 votes cast)

Comments (170) | Know Thy Enemy
Arrr! Going for the Obvious Joke
Posted by Frank J. at 12:05 PM | Email This

Here is the first every audio entry for my blog. Be forewarned, LAN-lubbers, it's in .wma format, so you better have pirated yourself a Windows Media Player. Arrr!

Rating: 2.7/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Pirate Answers: Keeping People in California, Teflon, and Damn Whatcha-Ma-Callits
Posted by Frank J. at 11:30 AM | Email This

Time for some advice from a pirate, ye LAN-lubbers. Now listen carefully to what old Captain J. has to say before I have to keelhaul the whole lot of you.

Jason H. from Austin, Texas writes:
I've been hearing a lot about how a lot of Californians are leaving California. It's only a matter of time before they could damage their status as the state with the most electoral votes and I'm sure that a "brain drain" has already occurred. Is it possible that in the not-so-far-off future that the Californians might build a wall around their state in order to keep what brains, jobs and money they have left from leaving, much like the Communists in East Berlin did? It is a liberal utopia, after all? Thanks

Arrr! I say keep them all in California. We don't want their kind befouling our fair ports. Barricade the whole state, and keeps ship patrolling it's coastline, boarding and cutting the throats of anyone who dares try to leave. Just be careful of that Captain Schwarzenegger; he hails from lands far way and could be quite tough. Stories say a musket ball would bounce right off his hide.

Cat Malingowski from York, PA asks:
If nothing sticks to Teflon, how does it stick to the pan?

Sound like witchcraft to me. I find anyone with one of these "Teflon" cooking utensils, I would be fearful of what other sorcery he or she may be capable of. A sturdy cutlass may not be enough to keep you safe from ones such as these. Burn them at the stake, I say; and do it on land, far from me ship.

MonkeyPants the Imperial Falconer writes
A variation on the "Worst figures of the 20th Century":
You have a gun and a time machine. Who in history would you go back and erase?

Yarrr! That's an easy one. I would train my musket on whomever invented those damn plastic packaging where you have two solid pieces of hard, clear plastic sealed together, often used for lots of electronics equipment and memory cards. Ye know what I'm talking about? You try to find some edge to pull the halves apart, but usually I end up having to jaggedly cut out the hidden booty with me cutlass. Instead of burying treasure, I could just put it in one of these packaging and it keep it safe for all eternity. Arrr!

* * * *

Please keep the booty coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, you'll be swimming with the sharks!

Rating: 3.0/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Frank Answers
Comic Review: El Cazador
Posted by Frank J. at 11:13 AM | Email This

Arrr! The captain of me galleon has gifted me with yet another comic book. That’s two comics in one month, but, if ye average me comic reading over the past decade, I read about one comic every five years.


The comic is called El Cazador, issue 1, October 2003 (wait, it ain't October yet unless I overslept this morning). It is published by CrossGen; apparently there are other comic book companies than D.C. and Marvel. Even an old sailor like me can learn a thing or two. The comic is, appropriately, all about piracy. So, is this comic so grand a tale that I should immediately find a desert isle to bury it on along with me gold, or should I use it's pages to ship-train the bilge rats? Well, I'll tell ye.

Much unlike the comic of that scourge of the seas, Aquaman, which had great artwork on the cover but much more rudimentary drawings inside, the cover is, in my murderous opinion, the worst of the drawings (and the jpeg above doesn't even do that justice; arrr!). It looks like they spent days drawing and painting each panel of this comic (see some samples here).

As for the writing, the prose remains quit true to the time period (far as I know), and the action depicts much piratey murderousness and the sounds of hell's bells. It starts with an attack on a Spanish galleon, some pirates killing the crew while a mysterious pirate with a wooden hand watches over (and I think he's missing an eye, but he's always in the shadows).

When the stolen vessel sets sail, it's found a saucy lass still remains aboard, and she kills the captain and takes over the ship, getting the crew to follow her in her pursuit of revenge with promise of great rewards. They call her "Lady Sin", as her actual Spanish name is too much for a bunch of scurvy ridden bilge rats handle. She rechristens the ship "El Cazador" and sets sail to kill the dreaded Blackjack.

The comic ends with descriptions of some of the pirates and showing how written concept becomes painted panel (just like a DVD feature... but in a comic! Arrr!).

I have to say, it looks to be an interesting story of murderousness and revenge with much attention to the period. If the rest of the comics are this well drawn, I might follow the sirens call into a comic book shop (something I haven’t done since I was a wee lad). Then again, I still think that might make me a dork.


Rating: 2.7/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Posted by Frank J. at 10:18 AM | Email This

Ahoy, me hearties. Today be International Talk Like a Pirate Day! Me only regret is that this is a non-work day for me, and thus I can't vex the 'ell out of me shipmates.


So grab yourself a cup a grog while I regale ye with much piratey-ness. First, some pirate jokes:

It was Halloween, and the first-graders all came into class wearing their costumes. One wee lad came dressed like a pirate [Ed. Note: Arrrrr!], and the schoolmarm sees him and asks jokingly, "So where are your buccaneers?"

And the wee lad answers, "Under me buck'n hat!"

Arrr! That was horrible! Here is an even worst one. Dare ye read it?

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel stuck down his pants. So the bartender asks, "Is that a steering wheel in your pants?"

And the pirate answers, "Arrr! Tis true. It's driving me nuts!"

Now laugh before I run ye through with me cutlass!

Well, there be the only two pirate jokes I know. Anyway, here is what a pirate keyboard looks like. Arrr! If only I had one of those!

BTW, all comments today have to be in pirate talk or you're walking the plank!

Rating: 2.3/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (9)
September 18, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 11:55 PM | Email This

I forgot to mention the Carnival of the Vanities yesterday. It's the one year anniversary and back at Bigwig's.

Harvey has an example of how to really talk down an anti-American jackass.

Michele really knows how to handle the telemarketers.

Blackfive has the badmouthing Wesley Clark roundup.

Tomorrow is a very special day...

Rating: 2.7/5 (30 votes cast)

Comments (9)
"May the Schwartz be with you!"
Posted by Frank J. at 09:56 AM | Email This

Merchandise! Merchandise! Merchandise!

I like the idea of Merchandise. You people want something, I supply it for you and get money, and we're both happy. The Nuke the Moon t-shirt is nearing the end of its run, and I want to try and come up with a new product. I would like to stick with ThoseShirts.com because Doug there does an awesome job with his products as anyone who owns the Nuke the Moon t-shirt and especially the new Misha mug can attest (not to degrade the Rachel Lucas mug which I also own and is quite lovely).

People mention they would like an In My World™ themed t-shirt, but I'm afraid I don't have enough readers yet to sustain such a product which that would only appeal to regular readers. Instead, I would like to try to think of something that might appeal to people who have never seen my site, maybe using a quote from one of my In My World™ posts. One recent suggestion is the quote, "The most powerful thing known to man is a pissed-off American." I was thinking it could have an image of Buck the Marine with the American flag in the background. Another suggestion was a "Hell's Democrats" t-shirt with the slogan "I'm gonna cut me a 'publican!" but that probably would appeal to a different audience.

I really need your help here, guys. Is there any quote of mine you think would make a good product? Would you want a mug instead of a t-shirt? Do you not care for a product at all? I'd mainly be selling it to you, my readers, so I'd really appreciate it if everyone comments on what they think.

Rating: 2.8/5 (28 votes cast)

Comments (41)
That Rascally Saddam
Posted by Frank J. at 08:21 AM | Email This

Bush says there is no known link between Saddam Hussein and the terrorist attack on September 11, 2001, but you should hear all the things that intelligence reports indicate that Saddam is behind.

* You know all that graffiti in New York City? One of those was done by Saddam.

* Getting tired of that tacky neighbor? Well it was Saddam who gave him the pink flamingos.

* You know how only the even numbered Star Trek movies are any good. That's because Saddam wrote the scripts for all the odd numbered ones.

* Remember the other night when you were woken up by some weird noise at night and thought it was just raccoons? It was actually Saddam.

* When you heard your kids swearing and was like, "Where did they learn that language?" They learned it from Saddam.

* That horrible Pepsi Blue - all Saddam's idea.

* You know how Perot reentered the presidential race in 1992 and helped get Clinton elected? It was Saddam who convinced him to get back in.

* Remember that time you found your car keyed and you were like, "I'm going to find and kill that bastard who did this!" Well, you better look in Iraq, because it was Saddam.

* You know how people now associate mustaches with being gay. That was all because of Saddam.

* The surge of ninja movies in the eighties - that was funded by Saddam.

* You know of that terrorist group ELF that spray paints SUV's and sets buildings on fire? Saddam is their main foot soldier.

* Gas prices have gone up lately. That's not because of Saddam, but you notice how you've never seen anyone change those prices at the gas station? It's Saddam who secretly changes them in the middle of the night.

* You know why Windows is so buggy and has so many security holes in it? Bill Gates told me it's because of Saddam.

* George Lucas keeps considering putting the original versions of the first three Star Wars movies on DVD, but Saddam keeps convincing him not to.

* You know how Howard Dean is ahead in the polls for the Democratic primary? That's because he has the backing of Saddam.

* You know why the Ninth Circuit US Court of Appeals is the most overturned court in the nation? It's because one of the judges is Saddam.

* MEChA was just going to be a college club about building robots, but Saddam added radical statements about "Bronze Power" to their charter.

* I think he also once was the evil, oppressive, murderous dictator of some country.

Rating: 2.8/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (15)
September 17, 2003
A Frank Guide for New Readers
Posted by Frank J. at 10:19 PM | Email This

Sorry, no Links of the Day™ today as I ended up spending all my time putting together my guide for new readers (as it is part of my master plan... muh ha ha ha...). I want it as something that can help draw in people first encountering the site to become regular readers. I also ended up not bothering to limit the posts referenced. I would certainly love to hear any critiques or opinions on it.

Rating: 2.0/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (1)
In My World: Buck the Marine and the Jolly Rancher Bandits
Posted by Frank J. at 09:28 AM | Email This

"Why are you filming the G.I.’s helping school children?" CNN's Lefty Stevens asked Fox News's Melinda Hawkish, "There's no story there."

"I think people would be interested in how war and destruction has improved the lives of the Iraqis," Melinda answered.

"Bah! Only stories of failure are news worthy," Stevens answered. Nearby he saw a troop fall to the ground, and he and his cameraman quickly rushed over to film him. "Yet another troop has fallen in this burgeoning quagmire," Stevens narrated.

"I'm alright," said Private Gomer, standing up, "I just done tripped on a rock."

"Dammit!" Stevens exclaimed, "Well scream for us if you are more seriously wounded."


"What's wrong with those people?" Buck the Marine asked Melinda.

"They're just CNN; don't mind them," Melinda answered, "So are you ready to show us what you've done here?"

"Well... uh... I don't know if you're dressed properly," Buck said, "You might offend the Muslims."

"But I wore a veil," Melinda protested.

"Yeah... uh... but not much else."

"Well, it's so damn hot here," Melinda answered.

Some Iraqi men walking buy shouted some thing in Arabic while smiling and whistling at Melinda.

"The Iraqis are so nice," Melinda smiled, "Anyway, Buck, tell our viewers what you have done for the Iraqi children."

"Well, since we got a break 'tween kill'n, we helped them little Iraqi kids by fixing up their school and building them a playground with swings and a teeter-totter and one of them twirly things to make them kids dizzy."

"We love big American!" shouted one of the kids.

"We love candy, too!" said another.

Buck laughed and tossed the kids some Jolly Ranchers. "We got tons of these candies here," Buck explained to Melinda, "These Jolly Ranchers are like the only things that won't melt in the 120 degree weather. Frankly, I'm sick of the damn things, but the kids can't seem to get enough of them."

"More candy!" demanded another kid.

Buck laughed. "Don't worry, little for'ners, we have plenty more... Ow! One of them kids bit me!"

"Quagmire!" Stevens yelled as his cameraman filmed.

"Calm down kids," Buck told everyone, "There is plenty of candy for everyone."

"Can I be a big Marine like you, American?" one of the children asked.

"Aww," Buck answered, "America will make sure you can be anything you want. Now you kids go play in your playground, but be careful; life is not all candy and biting Buck. There are still evil for'ners afoot. And what do you do to evil for'ners?"

"Kill them!" all the Iraqi kids shouted in union.

A tear almost came to Buck's eye. "That's some good kids."

* * * *

"Since the big American says I can be anything I want," said an Iraqi boy as he sat on one end of the teeter-totter, "I'm going to own a big corporation. I'm then going to downsize everyone to drive up the value of my stock."

"I'm going to become an actress," said the Iraqi girl on the other end of the teeter-totter, "and I'm going to use my fame to speak out about politics even though I'm an idiot."

Suddenly Baathist thugs came up and knocked them off the teeter-totter. Then they blew it up. "That is what happens to everything made by the American invaders!" yelled one of the Baath party members.

The children started crying. "We'll tell the big American and he'll stab you with his knife!" one yelled.

"Muh ha ha ha! No one can stop us!" the thugs laughed as they ran away.

* * * *

"They blew up the teeter-totter!" Buck exclaimed, barely containing his anger.

"There's three others," one soldier said.

"But that was the best one!"

The kids nodded in agreement.

Private Gomer came by rubbing his head. "Someone done hit me on the head."

"But you were supposed to guard the supply of Jolly Ranchers!" Buck said. He ran to the Jolly Rancher silo. It was empty.

"What was your one job, Private Gomer?" Buck asked angrily.

"To guard the Jolly Ranchers," Private Gomer answered, looking at his feet.

"And what happened to the Jolly Ranchers?"

"They got stolen," Priavte Gomer answered, "I'm sorry."

"You apologize to them little for'ner kids," Buck told him.

The kids started crying. "No more candy?" asked one tearful youth.

"We'll see about that," Buck answered.

"A teeter-totter destroyed and their candy gone, this war has quickly descended into and unending quagmire," Left Stevens narrated in front of a camera.

"I'll avenge that teeter-totter and get back that candy or I'm not Buck the Marine," Buck swore, "There are more things I distribute than candy." He then chambered a round into his rifle, ejecting the round that was already chambered. "Oh yeah."

* * * *

"Now I can film a Marine in action and show how well things are going here," Melinda said, following Buck with a camera.

"Bah!" Stevens answered, "We're going to film him being yet another casualty proving how horribly this occupation is going."

"Quiet you too," Buck said, slowly moving across the landscape, "I sense foreignness in the air."

There was a sudden ambush, and, just as suddenly, Buck ended it with fire from his M-16. "Ooh-rah!"

"Yay America!" Melinda yelled.

"Boo!" Lefty Stevens called out.

"The scent of watermelon flavored Jolly Ranchers is unmistakable," Buck said, "They went into that cave over yonder."

Buck entered the cave followed by the two reporters. Buck was soon attacked, but the resistance was nothing for an experienced Marine. He killed the enemy so quickly he didn't even feel the need to shout, "Ooh-rah!" in triumph.

"When is he going to get killed?" Stevens exclaimed with exasperation.

Soon they came to large room. Buck crept in carefully, but suddenly light went on and he was surrounded by evil Baathists. "Time to film his death," a voice called out. At the front of the room stood Christiane Amanpour.

"It's the war slut!" Melinda yelled.

"Funny words coming from a reporter wearing a bikini," Amanpour answered.

"And a veil," Melinda said defensively.

"What are you doing here?" Buck demanded.

A new figure came to stand by Amanpour - one with a bushy mustache. It was Saddam Hussein! "She has agreed to help me get back in power to show what a failure the Bush administration is," Saddam said, "Then she gets the exclusive. First, though, we kill one more American do-gooder!"

"Wow! So this is how objective journalist do things!" Stevens exclaimed as he backed away to film the action.

"We're surrounded!" Melinda said, "Do you know what to do?"

"According to the Marine kill'n manual," Buck answered, "when surrounded you kill everyone... in a circle."

Buck dropped to the ground as he tossed grenades to each side. Confused by the explosions, Buck then began picking off the enemy with his M-16 as they fired uselessly at him. Buck then set his sights on Saddam.

"You're going to be know as Saddam Who-dead!" Buck yelled as he charged the former dictator.

"Uh oh!" Saddam yelled as he ducked into a secret passage way. Once Buck got there, all he could see was the flame of an advanced propulsion system.

"Damn Baathists and their rocket cars," Buck grumbled. He then turned to Amanpour. "You got some answering to do, little lady. Conspiring with the enemy, trying to get a Marine killed - why that has to be one of the least ethical things the left-wing media has done in... well... two or three days."

"More like eight hours," Melinda stated, "You need watch more news."

"Don't have time with all my kill'n duties," Buck answered.

"I was just trying to tell the truth," Amanpour said, "without being intimidated by the Bush administration." She then looked to Melinda Hawkish. "Or Fox News."

"I never tried to intimidate you!" Melinda yelled angrily, "I'll strangle you for saying that!"

Amanpour shrieked and ran away.

Buck now located the stockpile of stolen Jolly Ranchers. "That will make the kids happy." He then turned to Lefty Stevens. "I hope you learned something about being a more ethical journalist."

"I haven't learned anything," Stevens asserted, "That's why I work for CNN."

* * * *

"Yay big American!" the Iraqi children shouted, "Yay candy!"

"Big American kill all bad people!" said one child proudly.

"Time to get to rebuilding that teeter-totter," Buck said, picking up some tools.

"So how does it make you feel to see all these happy children," Melinda asked, holding out her microphone towards Buck.

"Seeing their joyous smiles makes me a happy Marine," Buck said, "So happy... well... so happy I want to kill evil people." He thought for a moment. "Oh wait, I always want to kill evil people. Ooh-rah!"

Rating: 2.5/5 (34 votes cast)

Comments (23) | In My World
September 16, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 09:55 PM | Email This

Emperor Misha I is now a fuzzy wittle bunny.

Michael Williams wants short stories. Hey, I write one every Monday and Wednesday... crap, that's tomorrow!

Heh heh. Animals getting hurt make funny ads.

Rating: 2.1/5 (29 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Ten Best - My Picks
Posted by Frank J. at 07:37 PM | Email This

Here's a rough draft of my picks for top ten posts... whoops, I guess that's eleven. Well, I'll just call it a "Baker's Ten". Anyway, I wanted it to be a good sampling of humor so that I could point someone new to this site to this list to see what I'm all about. I didn't want it too dominated by In My World™ posts, and those I chose I wanted to be understandable to someone who had never read one before. So, do you think I missed a really good one that better deserves to be on this list? When I finish making the picks I'll make a permanent page of my best posts with an intro explaining my site.

Hating Michael Moore

Terrorist FAQ

A Frank Guide to Homeland Security Alert Levels

Know Thy Enemy: Airline Terrorists

Usually It's the One with the Gun Who Gets to Ask the Questions

Frank Answers: Ninjas, Irresistible Forces, Light Bulbs, and You're the Pussy

In My World: Rumsfeld Wants Talks with North Korean Leader

In My World: Stupid People No Like War

In My World: If Iraq Uses WMD's, the U.S. May Respond with Happiness

In My World: Cheney Wishes Undisclosed Location Was More Disclosed

In My World: Career Day

Rating: 2.5/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Frank Answers: Punching Frenchmen, Liberals Controlling the Weather, and Pinko Pups
Posted by Frank J. at 01:09 PM | Email This

Jake D from Sunny Melbourne asks:
If you punch a Frenchman in the face and no-one is looking, shouldn't you do it again?

Of course! Keep punching until someone protests. Then punch that person. Keep ice handy.

RMH from Jacksonville, FL writes:
As you may know, there is a huge hurricane headed straight for the North Carolina/Virginia area. I am also sure that you are well aware that there are two major military bases in the vicinity. My question is: Do you think this is just an uncontrollable act of mother nature or is it perhaps an evil creation of the vast left-wing conspiracy in their attempts to harm our mighty military without being obvious about it and without having to take the blame for it?

If the liberals have gained the ability to control weather, that is cause for concern, but I think that the weapons of the left are still mainly whining and B.O. Mother Nature has always been a capricious bitch, and it's up to us right-wingers to one day settle her and make her do our bidding. The environment is ours to control. It is our right.

As for our military men and women stuck on those bases, as a civilian I would just like to say: Stop being such a bunch of whiners. If you can't handle hundreds of miles an hour winds, how you gonna kill for'ners? MY tax money DEMANDS you to be tough.

DES from Warren, MA writes:
I have a Siberian Husky. She's not very well behaved. Do you think she might be a Communist?

Raising dogs can always be tough for outdated encryption algorithms, especially if you suspect your dog to be a Communist. Don't worry too much, though, as dogs are very American animals and rarely ever are Communists. There are signs to check for, just in case:

Does she seem perturbed that others who go out and work all day make more money than she does sitting around all day and licking herself?

When offered a bandana to wear, will she only put on a red one?

Will she bark up a storm unless you turn on NPR?

If you seriously suspect your dog to be a Communist, you'll probably have to pay good money for an obedience school. When she learns that being a good dog equals yummy treats, she'll shed her Communist ways like her winter coat... but without all the brushing.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.3/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Frank Answers
For Those in the Path of Isabel...
Posted by Frank J. at 11:45 AM | Email This

...don't forget that I already wrote all the hurricane tips you'll need to know.

Rating: 2.2/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (1)
Another Score for Right Wing News
Posted by Frank J. at 09:43 AM | Email This

John Hawkins, whose job it seems is to make the rest of us bloggers look like chumps, has an interview with Milton Friedman. Enjoy.

Rating: 2.2/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (1)
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Recall Delay, Patriot Act Hysteria, Amanpour, the Wedding, and What I'm Up To
Posted by Frank J. at 09:23 AM | Email This

* I was like, "Oh no; the recall is delayed." Then I realized it was the 9th who made the decision, the most overturned court in the nation, so I knew this was just another temper tantrum of theirs to get attention. Let's just ignore them until the Supreme Court has a look-see.

* And why is everyone down on punch card ballots because they're more prone to voter error? Voter error is just God's way of making sure that people too dumb to follow simple instructions are not the ones deciding the future of our nation.

* It's certainly not a hobby of mine to defend Howard Dean (then again, I still think his winning the primary will help Bush in the general), but why is there a controversy that a humorous line he used in his debate was actually coached. Haven't people anticipated question and come up with great responses since the word debate was first coined?

* People seem to be freaking out about the Patriot Act like all 'ell, but I still can't get enough interest to even read much about it. I guess I've just gotten used to when there is this much smoke in politics, there probably ain't no fire.

* Christiane Amanpour said her reporting on Iraq was affected by intimidation by the White House and Fox News. Fox News responded by saying that if she doesn't shut up, they'll beat the crap out of her while the White House subtly hinted that she could be disappeared.

* To try and appeal to women voters, Schwar... Arnold went on the Oprah Winfrey show. That's the problem with women voters: I will never respect them when their impressed by people talking to Oprah instead of, like us men, being impressed by whoever vows to "kill the bastards".

* As you all know, I had radio silence a good portion of last week since I was attending the wedding of my brother, Joe foo' the Marine, to the lovely Denise. I ended up catching the garter belt though I didn't want too - none of us did. I used my brother privilege to stand in the front thinking it would sail overhead, but my brother can't throw a garter for s--t and it landed right at my feet. I then, in the word of his Marine buddies, "jumped on the grenade". Since I still had the tux on, I was thinking of walking into a bar and using it in some sort of pick up line.

* I love gift registries. Makes buying gifts less of a mind-racking headache. Denise's brother, though, who surprised everyone by getting back from Iraq on the day of the wedding, had a great gift. He had with him in the Middle East a picture of Joe and Denise from a Marine ball, and he paid an Iraqi to paint it into a portrait of the two. I hope I can show you all a picture of it (plus a picture of me in my tux for the ladies).

* There is nothing better than drinking free beer while smoking stogies with a bunch of Marines and an old friend of Joe and mine we hadn't seen in years (who was the only other one in a tux instead of dress blues) and then finishing it off with a round of Irish car bombs.

* My main worry the whole time I was there was my toast, because I, being Joe's brother and best man, wanted to make it special. I had a long one planned out, but at the last minute decided to abridge it. I think it went over well. One girl said it made her cry (but she was a bit tipsy). One guy asked afterwards if I ever thought of going into politics, but I said no (it seems more like something likely for my brother). I love being frank (no pun intended... okay, yes it was), and, in politics you can't always speak your mind. I just couldn't be that way. I even remember back in eighth grade when we were going to have a debate on abortion, and I ended up the only one against since everyone else was too intimidated by the number of people on the pro side. My arguments were piss-poor, but, hell, I stood up for what I believe in and I vow to always do. Actually, I tend to avoid mentioning abortion on this site since it's an issue I know a lot of my readers will disagree on... but the point still stands.

* Speaking of politics, why do I only hear good stories about Iraq when I talk to troops who had actually been there. My brother's friend, a Marine lieutenant, was at the wedding and he kept saying how the Iraqis were the nicest people and loved the Americans being there. At martial arts yesterday, one of the students had just gotten back from Iraq. He's an older guy who works where I work and I know must make some good money. Plus, he has a wife and two children he had to leave behind. Still, after being there and seeing all the people he helped, his only conclusion is that going to Iraq was the right thing to do. He talked about the schools he helped rebuild, teaching Iraqis kids how to use swing sets and teeter-totters (they never having seen them before) and how life had already improved for so many Iraqis in so many ways. This stuff really interests people, so how come I never hear it any other place than first hand or on blogs with letters from servicemen? WMD's or not, there are over 24 million lives on the line, and we are doing some good, goddammit. To all those who thought we should have left the Iraqis in the misery of Saddam's regime, I think we should ship those dumb f--ks to Iraq and let the people there do with them as they may as sort of a way to relieve the stress of the former horror. The Democrats, at least those wanting to be president, are trying to say how bad things are because they needs things to be bad... and well, that's disgusting to the highest degree. I could go on more, but I like to limit my swearing.

* To calm down, I just want to mention the creative projects I'm now working on or plan to get started. I have my novel I finished, and I'm going over the second draft with my Silly Sister Sarah before I write up a third draft. I also have a screenplay mostly written that I need to finish. Also, I want to try and find an agent for the humor stuff I've written here on this site, and I have finally come up with an idea for a long subject (novel length) humor piece that will be somewhat like my In My World™ posts and focus on Buck the Marine. Also, I have a currently hush hush Flash animation project I want to get working on. Also, I have an idea for a new holster design and borrowed a specific handgun from my dad so I can work on it. I have a lot of other things going on than these crative projects, so I expect to make myself very busy, but I'll try to keep up my regular blogging because, well, I like to.

* Sorry to not be so funny today. Anyway, I would just like to once again give best wishes to my brother Joe foo' the Marine and my new sister, Denise.

Rating: 2.4/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (17) | Bite-Sized Wisdom
September 15, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 10:44 PM | Email This

First off, I'm way behind on e-mail. I read everything sent, but I often flag e-mail for follow up when I have more time to think of a good reply. Now I have like a million flagged e-mails (including many from when I was gone last week). Tomorrow after work, I'm going to try and take care of a lot of them.

Second, I just got my Misha Mug, and it is a work of art. The gold trim at the rim just makes it perfect. It's almost too good looking to drink coffee from. ThoseShirts.com seems as good with mugs as they are with t-shirts.

Anyway, links!

Here's a story of a man whose picture should be in the dictionary next to "American Hero." I have We Were Soldiers on my Netflix rental queue to see that part of his life which I was too young to hear of firsthand, but we all know of what made his final chapter.

The Patriette has a form for getting a date with her. I like this idea. I should put out a form that makes me more like an exclusive club. Yeah, that will get me more women. While I think about that, I'll fill out the Patriette's form and see how I do.

I have a great interest in security, computer and otherwise, and Brian J. has something everyone should read about shredding documents.

A Libertarian in the Countryside has moved and changed names to Alice Bachini (though Alice Bachini herself is unchanged).

I'm starting to wonder if Blackfive is just a great liar. He has too many awesome anecdotes.

Plus, I have some words for Alliance members.

Tomorrow I hope to write a bit about my brothers wedding along with the usual political stuff. See you then.

Rating: 2.2/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Frank Answers: Socialists, Monkey Fist, Do Dogs Know of the Puppy Blender, and Ramming Communists
Posted by Frank J. at 01:50 PM | Email This

Tim H from Viera, FL writes:
I'm pretty sure we can establish that you hate commies. What are your thoughts on socialists?

Basically socialists are watered down Commies who are in risk of becoming full-fledged Commies. I wouldn't necessarily say to kill all socialists, though. Instead, a good beating may suffice.


SOCIALIST: The government should have more control over business.

YOU: No. (punch punch punch)

SOCIALIST: I now see the error of my ways.

A good beating could prevent a socialist from becoming a Commie. Remember: Only YOU can prevent forest fires Communists.

JFH in Charleston, South Carolina writes:
Was looking at the bag containing a McDonald's "Happy Meal" that my wife had bought my 4 year-old and noticed that one of Kim Possible's enemies was a guy named Monkey Fist. (see this link for a description). Not only does this guy love monkeys, but he has an army of ninja monkeys to do his evil bidding! Worse yet, he's the one villain that my son thinks is "cool" (I blame the influence of "Power Rangers - Ninja Storm" on his fascination of ninjas). The question is: Should I be worried that my son could grow up to love monkeys and ninjas, or is this just a phase he's going through?

First off, I have to praise you on being a good father and keeping watch on what is influencing your child. Now, I, not being "hip" or "with it", have never heard of "Kim Possible". At least this monkey ninja character is a villain, so perhaps the show is teaching good moral values. Your child should not think this villain is "cool", though. Instead, he should revile him. Perhaps you should have a frank talk with your son explaining to him that monkeys and ninjas are always bad. While you're at it, tell him not to do drugs, thus killing two birds with one stone. Also, you may want to burn down the local McDonalds to further drive home your point. Don't worry; there should be another one less than five blocks away.

Oh, and, as with all my parenting advice, you should not do as I say under any circumstances. To me, kids are just fun targets to confuse the hell out of.

Alexandra from Fort Worth, TX writes:
I have a 3 month old German shepherd puppy. On Friday night, when I was busy in the kitchen, the puppy started chewing the leg of the kitchen table. She wouldn't stop chewing the table leg when I told her not to chew it, so I threatened her by saying "if you don't stop that right now, I'll give you to the puppy-blender!" My puppy was instantly so contrite, that I felt bad. Now I have two questions: (1) was I wrong to have threatened her with the puppy-blender in order to get her to obey me?; and (2) How did she know about the puppy-blender? I find this latter question especially baffling. To the best of my knowledge, she doesn't surf the internet during the day while I'm at work, and she came from a very reputable kennel south of Dallas, where I doubt such ugly matters as puppy-blending are discussed. Her instant compliance after I made the puppy-blender threat, however, demonstrated that she knew exactly who the puppy-blender is. I am very troubled by this. Please share your wisdom.

German Shepherds are my favorite dogs, as they are quite smart. As for your questions:

(1) I would say you are wrong to use such a threat. First of all, it's a bluff (I assume you love your dog to much to actually give her to the Puppy Blender). Second, it's so powerful a threat, it could actually traumatize your puppy, affecting her later in life.

(2) Dogs have a special ability to sense evil, thus they are all acutely aware of the Puppy Blender though never having actually heard of him. Dogs barking uncontrollably is always a sign that White Glenn - or a Terminator - is near.

Megan from Cleveland, OH writes:
While driving yesterday I spotted someone driving a Toyota Celica with the license plate, 6 Mao. This led me to believe that they had someone fit six communists in the car. I thought that my best plan of action was to speed up and hit the car while going as fast as possible. My question to you is, do communists have car insurance?

If I understand your plan, you would ram the car and then fix yours with an insurance claim, since the crash would be entirely the other party�s fault (as any American insurance company would agree) since he had a license plate of "6 Mao". The only problem, as you figured, is that a Communist may not have car insurance.

Remember that there are two types of Communists commonly encountered in America: idiotic college professors and hippies. Idiotic college professors, despite the supposed justness of our capitalistic economy, actually make enough money to live on and probably have car insurance. Hippies, on the other hand, are treated much more fairly by our economy and probably don't have enough money for car insurance. While you may be able to tell hippy from college professor by the car he or she drives, I think the best option is to lean out your window and shoot at the car. Sure, you won't get compensated for your ammo, but what's the cost of a few bullets in the grand scheme of things? Shooting while driving is almost as distracting as talking on a cell phone while driving, though, so be careful.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.1/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Frank Answers
In My World: Autocide Bomber
Posted by Frank J. at 09:25 AM | Email This

"Wow! You got a neat place here in Israel!" Bush exclaimed, playing around with things in Ariel Sharon's office. "What's this?"

"It's an uzi; don't touch that!" Sharon chided him.

"So I hear you have a lot of Jews here in Israel. Is that true?"

"Well, back in 1947..."

"Hey, who's this?" Bush called out.

"That's a guy named Uzi; don't touch him!"

"I heard Jesus was born near here," Bush said, "Do you still see him around? If you do, can you ask him about having the Democrats smote. I hear he has contacts to get that done."

"No, I haven't seen Jesus," Sharon said impatiently, "Aren't you here to talk about the suicide bombings?"

"The what now?"

"Don't you watch the news?"

"No, that's what I have advisors for," motioning to Colin Powell and Donald Rumsfeld, "I brought my wussiest advisor and my most violent and blood thirsty advisor."

"Which one is which?" Sharon asked.

"I dunno; ask them a question."

"What do you think we should do about the terrorists who target our children for murder?" Sharon inquired.

"Well, we need to talk to them and get to the root causes..." Powell started to say.

"Kill them all!" Rumsfeld yelled, "They will be peaceful when they are dead!"

"I like the second one's attitude," Sharon whispered to Bush, "but what with his dog?"

Chomps, the world's angriest dog, ripped a piece out of the drywall and began chewing it apart.

"That's just Chomps," Bush explained, "He's a little mentally unstable, but he's pretty famous too. He's been in three different episodes of When Animals Attack."

Suddenly they could hear ululation. "What's that?" Bush asked.

"I think it's a suicide bomber," Sharon answered.

They all looked out the window and saw a crazed man running towards the building. He stopped at a car and then exploded.

"My Buick!" Rumsfeld cried.

"It was just a rental," Bush said.

"But it's the principle of the thing!" Rumsfeld asserted, "It's time to exile Arafat... to hell!"

"I think we shouldn't be so hasty..." Powell started to say.

"Rarr!" Rumsfeld yelled, picking Powell up and throwing him out the window. He then charged out of the building, Chomps following him.

"Should we go help Colin Powell?" Sharon asked.

"No, Rumsfeld throws him out the window all the time; he used to it, Sharon."

"SHARE-OWN," Sharon corrected him, “It’s a long ‘o’.”


* * * *

"This is Melinda Hawkish reporting from the Gaza Strip. A celebration has erupted, many Palestinians cheering the mindless destruction of the Secretary of Defense's rental car, dancing around like crazed monkeys.

"Wait, some figure seems to be joining the crowd... a figure and his dog. Now it's blood everywhere, the celebration ending with an attack so violent you'd think a Palestinian was involved. Luckily, we brought a tarp, so my blouse will be protected from the splash damage."

* * * *

"So, did we kill the American Secretary of Defense?" Arafat asked.

"No, we only got his car," answered one of his men.

"P'lo!" Arafat exclaimed, slapping his head. "What should we do?"

"Kill the Jews!" answered one of his advisors.

"Joooos! Keeeel!" answered another advisor.

"There seems to be a man charging us," said one guard, "Much like a suicide bomber... except without the bomb or the suicide."

"Rarr!" Rumsfeld yelled as he and Chomps busted through the wall, "You destroyed my car. Now you die!"

Rumsfeld and Chomps then began to lose their footing.

"I covered the floor in baby wipes," Arafat laughed evilly, "Don't... wipe out. Muh ha ha ha!"

Both Rumsfeld and Chomps tumbled to the ground. This made them angry.

Very angry.

"Rarr!" Rumsfeld screamed.

"Gerawer!" Chomps growled.

The force of their combined anger caused the entire room to burst into flames, burning up the baby wipes. Chomps leapt at the guards, his maw open expectantly, while Rumsfeld grabbed Arafat.

"Don't kill me!" Arafat pleaded.

Rumsfeld calmed down a bit. "Though you blew up my Buick, I guess there are others who deserve to kill you more."

* * * *

"Now, to finally exile Arafat, we will launch him out of this cannon," Sharon announced before the gathered Israelis. With a cheer, the cannon was fired, and Arafat went tumbling through the air.

"I'll be back!" he vowed before disappearing into the distance.

"So you think this will bring peace to the Middle East?" Bush asked.

"I really don't give a rat's ass," Sharon answered, "I just wanted to see Arafat fired out of a cannon."

"We all did," Bush said with a smile as he patted Sharon on his back, "We all did."

Rating: 2.7/5 (31 votes cast)

Comments (21) | In My World
September 14, 2003
Posted by Frank J. at 07:26 PM | Email This

I'm voting for this one.

I'm not completely sure what this is about, but I just do what people tell me.

Rating: 2.7/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (6)
September 11, 2003
Two Years Ago
Posted by Frank J. at 07:25 PM | Email This

Back on the night of September 11th, 2001, I wrote an essay. I didn't have a blog back then, but I still felt I had to express my thoughts. Now that I have a blog, I might as well put out the essay exactly as I wrote it back then:

September 11, 2001. It won’t sink in for days. When things change this quickly, it will take a good amount of time for the mind to catch up. But, when the dust settles, our world will be forever changed.

Our first priority is to recover. There are thousands injured, and it is up to everyone to do their part, to donate blood, money, or whatever is needed. We need to restore as much normalcy as we can as quickly as possible. Our enemies are gloating at the disarray they caused, so we to show strength by simply getting back to our business unhindered. But, make no mistake; it will not be business usual. Not now.

Once shock subsides, anger is sure to replace it. It’s not a emotion well suited for decision making, but it is unavoidable at this time. Efforts to subside it will be futile, but it can be directed.

I’ve already heard plenty of people decrying the abilities of our intelligence community, how they should have seen this coming. Intelligence probably does need improving, but this should in no way be the main focus. No matter how good we make our intelligence, we can’t always prevent something like this. The only way is to remove any desire to commit acts of terror.

It’s seems hard to rationalize with people who would do something like this. They poke a tiger with a sharp stick and somehow expect some good to come of it. But our actions can put this in simple unmistakable terms. Our response to this must convince all those who witness it that acts of terror will do nothing but herald the perpetrators destruction. To simply apprehend and arrest those involved is not enough at this point. Those who hijacked the planes were not the only terrorists who committed suicide with today’s actions.

It’s a terrible thing to call for vengeance, but if our response falls even slightly short, we will only encourage more acts like this. We must take the terror to the terrorists, hunting down all we can find and punishing anyone who would harbor them to the point that a country would fear even the possibility of terrorists resting in their borders.

It will be easy to overdo our response, to add to the evil, but it is war. We will have to make decisions of life and death that lie beyond the wisdom of man. We just have to pray to God to lead us in our action to as good a solution as exists. It was a dark day today, and it will be dark for some time to come.

Rating: 2.4/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (33)
September 10, 2003
No More Free Ice Cream This Week
Posted by Frank J. at 09:13 AM | Email This

I was too busy last night and this morning to come up with a post, as I am leaving this afternoon to Idaho for my older brother, Joe foo' the Marine, is getting married to the lovely Denise on Saturday and I am the best man (that's right; I'm the best!). I have something already written for tomorrow (not humorous), and I hope to get online long enough to post it, but don't expect anything more until Monday. I'll try to make it up by having an extra big In My World™ when I get back (then again, I will probably be pretty tired when I get in on Sunday...).

A great thing to do while I'm gone is read my archives if you haven't yet read every single thing I've written. I really would like to get together a list of my ten best posts (with not to many of them being IMW's) as something to point new visitors to my site to as a good sample of my humor, and I would appreciate suggestions of what those posts are. Try to find your favorites plus the best IMW's that don't require having read previous ones to be funny. You owe this to me because I've been giving you humor for free.

Ahh... probably shouldn't threaten readers. As for Alliance members, try to come up with new plots against the evil one and we need to start thinking of what to write as a press release for our war. Be especially wary if he uses this time to attack me like he did when I was sick.

I'll see y'all later.

Rating: 2.0/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (66)
September 09, 2003
Frank Predictions: The Democrat Presidential Primary Debate
Posted by Frank J. at 08:33 AM | Email This

The Congressional Black Caucus and Fox News will present a debate of the nine Democrat presidential candidates tonight at 8pm ET. I am going to go ahead and make some bold predictions about the debate. Since I'll probably be playing F-Zero GX while it's on, someone else watch and tell me how many I got right.


* Howard Dean will set the tone for the debate by announcing at the beginning that Saddam Hussein must immediately be found and then restored to power.

* Joe Liberman will try to convince the Democrats he's crazy enough to be their nominee by biting the head off a live bat. He will somehow make the act extremely boring.

* Dennis Kucinich's tinfoil hat will be completely ineffective at stopping the mind controlling space lasers.

* John Edwards will adamantly declare that he's just a regular guy and that he will use his trial lawyer skills to sue anyone who says otherwise.

* Fox News will use when Carol Moseley Braun speaks to have commercial breaks.

* John Kerry will mention that he served in Vietnam.

* Al Sharpton will interrupt Bob Graham by shouting, "Shut up, Graham cracker!" because it's just too good a line.

* Dick Gephardt will make some sudden hand movements that will enrage Howard Dean into an attack.

* Bob Graham will try to outdo everyone in angry, anti-Bush invective and end up breaking a hip. It will be the highlight of the bloopers reel.

* There will be a lightning round France appease-off. Kerry will win with his haughtiness and French lookingness.

* Dennis Kucinich will start screaming in response to a high-pitch noise only he can hear.

* Dick Gephardt will use the Democrat's dark powers to summon Satan, who will announce that he is still undecided.

* John Kerry will mention that he served in Vietnam.

* When things get too boring, the debate will be broken up by an unscheduled ninja attack. That wacky Fox.

* When not speaking, Al Sharpton will eat a hoagie. Dennis Kucinich will start whining and crying when he realizes it was his.

* John Edwards will use his séance powers to talk to his dead political prospects.

* Carol Moseley Braun will fiercely and violently fight for her position of most irrelevant.

* Due to lax security, a stray dog will wander onto stage. Scared and confused, the dog will bite the haughtiest and French lookingest candidate he sees: John Kerry. Kerry will somehow work into his yelp of pain that he served in Vietnam.

* Since the debate will be sponsored by the Black Caucus, there will be a contest to determine which candidate is the blackest. In a surprise upset, Joe Liberman will win.

* Dick Gephardt will try and declare that Bush is a "miserable failure" but will miserably fail and instead say "mailurable fissure".

* Hillary Clinton will suddenly walk on stage in the middle of the debate, suck all the air out of the room, and then leave.

* At the end of the debate, people will unanimously declare that the winner was Clucks, the Democrat debating chicken. He will also beat each candidate at tic tac toe.

* Al Sharpton will fry and eat that chicken. Poor Clucks, the Democrat debating chicken; this world was just too much for him.

Rating: 2.2/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (39)
September 08, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 10:07 PM | Email This

Jarred T. Nicholls (winner of the Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One) has part 2 of his in depth look at what is "Palestine." Read it and be smart.

Emperor Misha I has his new mugs out! I'm getting me one, as his logo was in a big part the inspiration for Chomps. Maybe I can start a collection of blogger mugs, even purchasing that extra large mug Kim du Toit was whining about.

My last Frank Answers™ wasn't up to snuff? Hey, I try my best.

What if Jaws happened today? How would the media react...

Blackfive, who seems to have some of the best anecdotes in the blogosphere, tells why he always flies Southwest.

Jared has haikus for each of the Democratic hopefuls.

Reader Chris K. pointed me to this. Apparently White Glenn's influence grows.

Rating: 2.1/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (3)
In My World: The Fall Guy
Posted by Frank J. at 09:19 AM | Email This

"Now that I've made the case for Iraq getting 87 billion dollars, we need to find ways to get that money embezzled back to us through dummy corporations," President Bush said.

"Don't worry," Dick Cheney stated, "I've got it all set up."

"I'm afraid that someone might find out, though," Condoleezza Rice said, "I think we need a fall guy."

"But where are we going to find someone to be the fall guy?" Bush mused aloud.

"Can we go over some notes before the next press conference?" White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan asked as he entered the room.

"Scott! Great to see you!" Bush exclaimed.

Scott stopped for a second and looked at Bush with suspicion. "Why are you being nice to me all of a sudden?"

"Because you're a valued part of the team," Bush answered.


"Yeah, now get over here and stop being such a douche bag," Bush ordered, "I need you to sign this paper before the next press conference. It... uh..."

"It verifies that you are going to be truthful and honest in the press conference," Condi said.

"But Bush always yells at me when I'm truthful and honest," Scott said.

"Change of policy," Bush said, handing over the document. Scott started to look it over, but Bush slapped him on the head. "Don't read it; just sign it!"

* * * *

"Is it fair to ask for 87 billion dollars for Iraq when the economy is in a recession?" asked a reporter.

"The economy is not in a recession," Scott responded, "and we have to do whatever it takes to get the job right."

"I did some investigation," said another reporter, "and the money all seems to be going to corporations in your name."

"What?" Scott exclaimed, "That's ridiculous."

"And they aren't even real corporation," the reporter continued, "They just seemed to be ways for you to take that money and keep it from the needy Iraqi people."

"That's crazy," Scott said adamantly, "I don't own any corporations or would ever do such a thing."

"Why you take money from me and my family?" asked a little Iraqi girl in broken English, "I am sick and hungry."

"I didn't take your money, little girl," Scott pleaded, "Honest."

"Boo!" all the reporters yelled.

"You're not supposed to boo at a press conference!" Scott said with frustration.


* * * *

"You couldn't believe what I was charged with at the press conference today," Scott said, walking into the Oval Office. "They said..." Scott then noticed the room was filled with canvas bags with dollars signs on them. "You took the Iraqi billions!" Scott accused, pointing a finger at Bush.

"That's crazy," Bush answered, "That's so crazy I should have you locked away in an asylum where you can't tell anyone anything incriminating about me."

Laura then came into the room. "What's this commotion all about?"

"Nothing, dear," Bush answered.

"He embezzled billions of dollars that were supposed to help the Iraqis and then framed me for it!" Scott stated angrily.

"George, is this true?" Laura asked sternly.

"I was going to buy you something nice with it," Bush answered meekly.

"You give all that money back to the Iraqis and you apologize to Mr. McClellan this instant!"

"I'm sorry, Scott," Bush said, "but I was going to quietly pardon you at the end of my term - honest!"

"Well, that's better," Laura said, "Now you be less mischievous in the future." She then left the room.

Bush glared at Scott angrily. "Squealer."

Rating: 2.7/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (18) | In My World
September 07, 2003
Is There Anything You Can't Learn From Internet Polls?
Posted by Frank J. at 07:15 PM | Email This

Time to retire some more polls.

No one appreciates Potsy.
Who is the greatest figure in American history?
Answers Percent Votes
Potsy - 36 votes (13%)
The "Time to make the donuts!" guy - 135 votes (49%)
The Riddler - 57 votes (21%)
Tonya Harding - 47 votes (17%)

I honestly can't remember what any of these words mean. I guess no one likes adjectives that have "homo" in them.
What best describes your political views?
Homokaryotic - 20 votes (12%)
Orthogonal - 62 votes (36%)
Dioecious - 33 votes (19%)
Paraxial - 58 votes (34%)

If the moonlight was pale, how could you be sure you were dancing with the devil?
Ever danced with the devil in the pale moon light?
Yes - 52 votes (21%)
No - 71 votes (28%)
The moon light was actually quite bright - 129 votes (51%)

Well, as long as you know you're hellbound...
What are your religious views?
I believe in the Catholic faith. - 68 votes (25%)
2. I'm hellbound. - 124 votes (45%)
3. Hey, that's mean! - 84 votes (30%)

Yes! Seek vengeance!
If IMAO were shut down, what would you do?
Kill myself - 9 votes (3%)
Kill others - 54 votes (17%)
Take vengeance against Instapundit.com - 142 votes (45%)
Not rest until all monkeys are dead - 114 votes (36%)

I think people are drastically underestimating Snuggles the Bear.
Who would win in a fight between the Aflac Duck and Snuggles the Bear?
The Aflac Duck - 246 votes (75%)
Snuggles the Bear - 67 votes (21%)
It's a tie - 13 votes (4%)

Yes, let him forever be remembered as the governor with no name.
Should California Governor Gray Davis be recalled?
Yes. - 47 votes (21%)
Yes, but only when trying to think of a list of ineffectual governors. - 53 votes (23%)
No, he should forever be erased from our collective memories. - 127 votes (56%)

I say it would be a tie, as it would end in a killing spree as soon as one of them encountered a word he couldn't spell.
Who would win in a spelling bee between Wolverine and the Punisher?
Wolverine - 87 votes (41%)
The Punisher - 76 votes (36%)
It's a tie - 51 votes (24%)

I'll try to come up with some more polls as there is still more to learn.

Rating: 2.2/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Kitty Sniper Caption Contest Winner
Posted by Frank J. at 06:52 PM | Email This

Man, it was hard picking the winning entry from those available, but, in the end, I had to go with the first one that made me laugh out loud:

"Oswald was a pussy!"

It was written by Tim B., and, as for the super secret prize - so secret that I just decided what it is right now - he gets a limerick of praise:
Hooray for the triumphant Tim B.
He displayed his acumen for all us to see.
He saw the sniper kitty,
and made a caption so witty,
That it filled all our hearts with glee.

Rating: 2.5/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (10)
September 05, 2003
Frank Answers: Ninja Monkeys, Cleveland, Little Frank J., Samurai Jack, and Bazooka Joe, and When Is It Appropriate to Kill Hippies (Like You Don't Know the Answer to that One)
Posted by Frank J. at 05:34 PM | Email This

In my last Frank Answers™, I mentioned that French soap is suspicious and should be avoided. A reader, J, had this take, though:

You do realize that is must be an effective soap, which is why the French export it.

They have no need for effective soap, or for that matter effective water, so they export both.

Now for some questions:

Jeff writes:
Seriously, I had a dream last night that a tribe of ninja outcasts, deep in the heart of Africa, trained generations of big smart monkeys to be Ninjas! And taught them how to swim too! It was horrible, the monkeys took over Africa in days. After training all the other monkeys in Africa to be ninjas, they started to attack by ninja swimming out to boats going by the coastline and then sneak aboard and take over control of the boat. Soon thousands of ninja monkeys were in position to attack the worlds centers of power at the same time. Then I woke up screaming, drenched in sweat, I had to know how it ended. I knew you of all people would know the answer, Could this really happen Frank?

Yes, such a thing could happen, and almost did back during the 60's. Thanks to the distraction of smelly hippies, we nearly missed this ninja monkey threat. Luckily, the threat was noticed by the Coast Guard who keeps a number of samurai in employment for such incidents. Off our own coasts, the ninja monkeys were subdued with much swordplay, and, to this day, they vow revenge. If you are ever on the open seas, be careful to make sure any boats you see aren't being manned by monkeys... or pirates. Also, if you are a wandering ronin, the Coast Guard is looking for new recruits.

Jason H. from Austin, Texas asks:
Frank, what is the reason for the existence of Cleveland?

Well, Cleveland rocks. Also, I believe its existence prevents some erosion in the area.

Pam from a small, quaint little town in California where the fruits and nuts can grow healthy and strong and even grow up to be governor someday writes:
Just read In My World: It's All About the Jesus, and it prompted this question: What were you like as a child?

I've been told I was whiny, but my parents are damn liars.

DarthVOB writes:
My favorite show is Samurai Jack. I can't help but notice the parallels between Samurai Jack and you. Is Samurai Jack loosely based on your life?

Though many of the similarities are striking, notice the character is named "Jack" and not "Frank". If it were called "Samurai Frank", then I would say it was exactly like me, but, as it is, I can't see people calling me Jack.

Joey asks:
What happened to Bazooka Joe's eye?

He asked too many questions, Joey. Too many questions, and that's all I have to say.

Bitter Bitch from Hell (aka New England) writes:
I have a question for you to answer. I have to drive 75 miles to work everyday. I hate it. It means I have to get up at 5:30 AM and sit in traffic for a couple of hours before I repeat the sitting at the end of the day only to end up at home at 7:30 PM. It's all because I have to stay with a friend while my apartment is renovated. My question is: Does this commuting frustration make a good excuse for killing either annoying hippies or my apartment complex manager for not letting me move into the damn place yet? I'd prefer to kill the annoying hippies, but any target for my rage will do for now.

P.S. Oh wait, blonde moment, I forgot that I had another question. The annoying hippies are getting between me and my guns. They are also getting between me and any swords. What can I use to kill them and/or my apartment complex manager since these precious resources have been taken from my beautifully manicured hands?

Killing your apartment manager would be murder, so I'd just kill the hippies; no excuses are really needed. Strangling is always a good, weaponless method. You may want to wear gloves for sanitation purposes, though.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.3/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Frank Answers
Odio Frank
Posted by Frank J. at 12:19 PM | Email This

I found this comment to my Know Thy Enemy: Hamas post by a Tupac Amaru:

Seguro que tu eres un pinche gringo puñetero que no tiene nada mas que hacer parte de huevear de la lucha por libertad por los palestinos. Si tu no estuvieras un cabron culeao, tal vez tu podria tener amigos parte de los perros que te aman solamente porque hueles como un jamon. HASTA LA VICTORIA SIEMPRE Y VIVA LATINOAMERICA! UNIDOS VENCEREMOS CONTRA LOS PINCHES GRINGOS PUÑETERAZOS. SI QUIEREN PAZ HABRA PAZ, PERO SI QUIEREN GUERRA, NO TENEMOS MIEDO A LA GUERRA

So I was like, "Wow! Even Spanish speaking people love IMAO!", but then I got back this translation from Margarita, official IMAO translator:

Surely you are a asshole gringo that has nothing more to do than bother with the fight for the liberty of the palestinians. If you weren't such a horse's ass, you could have friends other than the dogs that love you only because you are an ass. UNTIL THE VICTORY AND LIVE THE LATINOAMERICANOS FOREVER. TOGETHER WE WILL CONQUER THE GRINGO ASSHOLES. IF YOU WANT PEACE, THEN THERE WILL BE PEACE, BUT IF YOU WANT WAR, WE ARE NOT AFRAID OF FIGHTING!

Hey! That wasn't a very nice thing to say at all!

Since I don't know how well the guy's English skills are, I've decided to write back to him in Spanish. I've been wanting to learn that language, and now is a good time for practice. Unfortunately, I only know one verb, "es", but hopefully through capitalization and exclamation points, I can get my emotion across by using every single Spanish word I know:

El pollo diablo es agua chimichanga, muchacho! Loco queso es MORTE OCHO!


Andale. Andale.

Arriba! Arriba!


Frank J.

That'll learn him. I'll tell you if he responds.

Rating: 1.9/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (31) | I Hate Frank
MEChA Lecka Hi, MEChA Hiney Ho
Posted by Frank J. at 11:47 AM | Email This

Back in February, Bustamante slipped and said the n-word in front black trade unionists. That's pretty bad, but I don't think it necessarily means anything by itself; you hear the word in movies and rap music and thus it's going to be in your subconcious. God knows that sometimes when running into my friends, I've had the urge to say, "How's my niggas do'n?" but, even though that might be funny, I always nix that one.

Then I hear about this MEChA and their "Por la raza todo. Fuera de la Raza Nada." motto and I start to wonder did he accidentally say publicly a word he likes to use privately. "For the race, everything. For those outside the Race, nothing.” is how I've usually seen that phrase translated, and it makes it seem like MEChA is some racial supremacist group. Actually, it's so blatantly racist that it's almost quaint. There are many organizations out there I would consider racist, but they at least use code language. I decided to do a little follow up myself and see if MEChA is really as bad as I've been hearing.

So I do a Google search for MEChA, and, among hits about robots and anime, I find this page with links about MEChA and links to campus webpages. MEChA seems to be reacting to charges of racism with charging racism. One interesting article states how "Por la raza todo. Fuera de la Raza Nada." is not their motto, but "La union hace la fuerza" (Unity creates power) is. So I go to one example MEChA webpage, and there is there symbol a bird with what looks like dynamite and some other object and indeed that slogan about unity. Also linked to by this page, though, is El Plan Espiritual de Aztlán, in which the statement "Por la raza todo. Fuera de la Raza Nada." does appear. I find this document on a lot (but not all) MEChA pages. The statement in question happens to be the only part on it in Spanish, the rest of it plain for us to read who haven't gotten to ordering our learn to speak Spanish tapes yet (I'm going to do it one of these days). It's a bit creepy, especially the parts about self-defense (defense against whom?).

I've been unable to find anyone from MEChA explain the "Por la raza todo. Fuera de la Raza Nada." (I have sent e-mails just now), so I sent the statement to IMAO's official translator, Margarita. Here is what she said it means:

Por la raza todo - For the Race, everything Fuera de la Raza Nada - Outside of the Race, nothing

That's pretty similar to what I've been hearing, but her interpretation of it was a bit different (emphasis hers):

I look at the second part of the slogan as just being nationalistic. It is not saying that the outside race (non-chicano/hispanic) will not get anything from the MEChA group, it is much more that the chicanos need to look out for themselves first and above all. I don't see it being racist as they are not empowering themselves over anyone else, just empowering themselves first before anyone else since no one else does.

It would seem the controversy would go away if Bustamante would just denounce the group, but he won't. Defenders say that El Plan Espiritual de Aztlán is read to literally by most people, and that MEChA is mainly about helping Hispanics get an education (Hispanics having a very high drop out race). I don't know, still, and am stuck between believing Bustamante won't denounce MEChA because he feels real affinity towards the group or because he doesn't want to offend racist Hispanics. I hope the media explores the issue more, because I don't like the idea of racist groups occupying so many college campuses and a racist man being elected governor of California... but perhaps I'm just wrongheaded on the issue.

Rating: 3.2/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (20)
September 04, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 07:09 PM | Email This

Susie offers an ultimatum for Alliance members. Either follow what she says or you’re kicked out. We need an Alliance of elite blogs, not a bunch of lollygaggers.

baldilocks has some particularly poignant words about the harmfulness of the idiocy of Shelia Jackson Lee. (thanks to Inoperable Terran for the link)

Heh heh. People without guns are stupid. If I'd own a store, put up a "Gun Free" sign, and then shot someone trying to rob me, could I be sued for false advertising?

Plan to do some catch up blogging tomorrow, posting about MEChA, some hate mail, and finally getting back to some Frank Answers™.

Rating: 2.5/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Frank on Guns: Gun Care
Posted by Frank J. at 08:39 AM | Email This

In my final part of my series, I'm going to talk about gun care. You need to care about your gun so it can care about you. Your gun's ability to shoot bad people could save you one day, and thus you need to treat it with respect. Nothing is worse than when you want to kill someone you miss or your gun malfunctions.

First off, you need to keep training with your guns. That means going to a gun range. There are lots of rules to follow at a gun range, and, though you're probably thinking, "Hey - I have a gun - I don't need to follow any rules!" remember that there are lots of other people at the gun ranges with firearms too. There are outdoor ranges where everyone needs to stop, lay down their weapon, and then go out on the range and set up targets. That's annoying and takes time. I like indoor ranges where you just use some mechanical thing to bring your target towards you and away from you and then fill it with holes.

You need to practice until you have a good grouping of your shots. This makes it more likely that, if someone attacks you, you will make him dead. Also, a paper target where are all the shots are placed neatly in the center makes a great decoration to hang on your office door, especially if you write on the target the word "You." You'll find much less people will bother you if you do that.

While shooting and training with your gun is essential, also as important is to clean your gun after every time you fire, whether you spent a while at the range or just shot some punk on the way to the store to pick up some milk. Gunpowder residue will build up in your gun, and you want to remove it to keep proper functioning. This means cleaning out the barrel, all the working parts, and oiling everything to keep your gun protected from the elements.

To clean a gun properly, you need to “strip” the gun, removing the barrel so you can clean it from the inside out. Many guns have different ways to disassemble them, so it's a good idea no to toss out those instruction booklets even though you probably thought, "Bah! I don't need no stink'n instructions to tell me how to pull a trigger." The problem with disassembling a gun is that, if someone is lurking in the shadows waiting to attack you, when your gun is apart is the perfect time for him to strike. In my favorite movie, The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, Clint Eastwood is cleaning is gun when he realizes enemies are approaching, so he has to quickly assemble and load it before they attack. You're not the man with no name, so you don't want to be in that situation. Instead, when cleaning one gun, keep another gun loaded and in ready access. When done cleaning the first gun, put it back together, load it, and then clean the second. It's just common sense.

If you ever experience problems with your guns, you may need to use different ammo or have the gun checked out by an experienced gunsmith. To keep you guns in kill'n form takes your vigilance, and, with proper care, you'll have many years of firearm fun and dead bad people.

Well, that concludes my primer on guns. If there are other topics people want me to cover, put them in the comments. Also, always follow the rules of gun safety, and always fight to make sure laws allow you to have access to lethal force to defend yourself, your family, and your stereo.

Remember, no problem is so complex that it can't be solved by proper firearm usage.

Rating: 2.7/5 (33 votes cast)

Comments (25) | Frank on Guns
September 03, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 10:44 PM | Email This

It already got an Instalanche, but it's worth point to again. Spoons has the sort of story that makes me want to start an actual organization called the AAGO, Association of Angry Gun Owners (motto: "You may have your phony statistics, but we're angry and have guns, so do as we say and no one gets hurt."). In Chicago, they've jailed a homeless man for not keeping records of a legal gun sale to a police officer. Wow, with all those homeless people who lack filing cabinets off the streets, Chicago must be the safest city in the world.

Frank of on the Fritz reports on the death of a famous poet, while Fritz of on the Fritz has a flash movie of the next terrorist threat! One of these days I'm going to get around to learning how to make flash movies. So many ideas, so little time! Stupid, fulfilling job that leaves me no time for creativity...

John Hawkins talks about crazy old MEChA. I did some of my own investigation out of curiosity, and I'll write more on the subject if I have some time.

Emperor Misha I takes on that idiot Depp so I don't have to bother. Also, he finds evidence that Lileks is a blender just like White Glenn!

Annika gives her endorsement for governor and has a lot of red text in it.

The Carnival of the Vanities is up with lots of posts about the evil of White Glenn.

I don't usually link to the big leaguers, but Derb must have put so much work into this parody and it shows. Plus, I heard from him in NRO's the Corner that Sept. 19th is International Talk Like a Pirate Day. I'll have to remember that for my blogging. Arrr!

Finally, I have marching orders for all Alliance members. A clue to it is on my front page now.

Rating: 2.4/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (15)
In My World: It's All About the Jesus
Posted by Frank J. at 09:11 AM | Email This

"With the constant killings and terrorist attack in Iraq, will you now admit that it's become a Vietnam-like quagmire," CNN reporter Lefty Stevens asked.

"No," Condoleezza Rice answered firmly, "It's like post war Germany."

"Vietnam," Stevens insisted.

"Post war Germany!" Condi answered back angrily.


"Post war Germany!!"

"Quagmire! Admit it!"

"I'll kill you!" Condi screamed, jumping onto the reporter and pummeling him.

"You started the press conference without me," Rumsfeld stated as he walked up to the podium.

Condi dropped the reporter. "You're late."

"I arrive when I damn well feel like it," Rumsfeld grunted. He then looked to the reporters. "So what do you want?"

"Do you think that you sent too few troops to Iraq?" asked a reporter.

"Are you questioning my military strategy?" Rumsfeld demanded angrily.

"Well, uh..."

"You, a brainless reporter, thinks he knows more about how many troops a conflict takes than the Secretary of War?"

"I just..."

"It's tiring me carrying a gun this heavy," Rumsfeld stated, pulling out his luger, "Maybe I should lighten it."

"No no!" the reporter shouted, "Question withdrawn!"

"Anyone else want to waste my time?" Rumsfeld asked as he put away his gun.

"What are your plans for settling Iraq and afterwards?" asked another reporter.

"We will civilize Iraq, killing all the terrorists and Baath party members and who ever else strikes our fancy. Then, we will begin forcefully converting everyone to Christianity. This will coincide with our attacks on other Middle Eastern countries."

"Convert everyone to Christianity?" asked one confused reporter.

"What? Did you think this war was all about oil?" Rumsfeld scoffed. "We, the West, have always been bitter about losing the Crusades. Unlike the silly Muslims, we've been able to keep our resentment quiet. See, back then, we were backwards in comparison to the Muslims and wholly outmatched, but now we have laser guided cruise missiles while they have just rocks and sticks. Thus finally the Crusades can be completed and the Holy Land will return to Christian hands."

"You can't force religion on people!" a reporter exclaimed.

"Actually, studies show that torture and threat of death is quite effective at religious conversions," Condi added.

"So you're going to convert everyone in the Middle East?"

"Either that or kill them," Rumsfeld said, "except for those Jews; they're some tough motherf--kers."

"What about freedom of religion?" asked an exasperated reporter.

"That's only for Americans," Rumsfeld answered, "It is the administration’s position that only Americans have God-given rights, He having forsaken all other countries."

"So you're going to take over all the Middle East?"

"No, rulership will be handed to the pope in the spirit of the Crusades. Then history books will have to be written to say that, while the Crusades started out rough, they were eventually successful due to the Bush administration."

"And his plucky National Security Advisor," Condi chimed in.

"The American people won't stand for this!" one reporter asserted.

"According to polling data, the American people don't care what we do militarily as long as bad people die and their prime time television doesn't get interrupted with news breaks. Also, while the American people support other religious views, they wish Muslim women would wear more revealing clothing."

"Isn't this the worst fears of the Muslims in the Middle East?"

"Yes," Rumsfeld chuckled, "And everyone thought they were nuts in thinking we wanted to conquer them all. Well, they're still nuts, but they were right."

"Wouldn't Jesus be against torture and murder in his name?"

"Well, Jesus isn't running the show; I am!" Rumsfeld answered angrily, "This is a matter of honor for the western world. We're not just satisfied being economically, militarily, and hygienically superior to the Islamic extremists, we want to say we won the Crusades too."

"We have to get going now," Condi told the reporters, "We need to get fitted for our suits of armor and then pick out our swords for severing the heads of the unbelievers."

"Did you hear Bush still wants to wear his cowboy hat with his armor," Rumsfeld grumbled, "What a jackass."

"We still have a lot more questions about this!" insisted a reporter.

Rumsfeld drew a broadsword. "This press conference is over unless you wish me to smite thee!"

The reporters all fled the room in terror.

"God, they're gullible," Condi laughed, "Now they'll all be distracted by this while we steal us some oil."

Rumsfeld looked a little sullen. "Really did want to smite someone, though."

Rating: 2.3/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (27) | In My World
September 02, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 09:14 PM | Email This

I have a new sponsor of the site. You get money for just doing some surveys. Go check them out and the rest of my sponsors to show them that advertising on IMAO is a great idea... possibly the greatest idea ever!

Analyzing the Blog War can go a little too far. And I checked out that Gender Genie; according to the response, it's only been right about 50% of the time, i.e., it's algorithm is as accurate as a coin flip.

What happened to A Small Victory? Both she and I are now Higher Beings in the Blogging Ecosystem, but I wonder how long that will last.

I think Jennifer moved, but I'm not sure.

Rating: 2.1/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Bite-Sized Wisdom: "Por lector del IMAO todo. Fuera de IMAO nada."
Posted by Frank J. at 09:00 AM | Email This

* Man, I don't have like anything to say. Everyone have fun Labor Day weekend? I don't like it that holiday because it's an evil union one. Well, I never complain about a paid holiday, but I'd rather celebrate something else. Wait a second; does anyone actually celebrate Labor Day? Do we have any labor parades or anything? We should just call it "Day-Off Day".

* Actually, they arrested Jesse Jackson on Labor Day. We could make an annual thing of that. We'd just arrest him for no reason, and he'd be like, "This is the worst injustice since Dredd Scott!" but he says that about everything, so no one would listen. Someone should tell him the story about the boy who cried wolf.

* My version of that story has kung fu fighting.

* What's it with terrorists and explosions? Why can't we settle this man-to-man; fist-to-fist. Because they're a bunch of cowards, and they know Allah actually hates them because they're smelly and stupid. Yeah, that's right. You want to prove me wrong, meet me for a hand-to-hand fight to death at the abandoned warehouse by the docks (heh heh; when they go in there, I'll blow it up!).

* An asteroid could hit us in 2014. I hope we have the technology to nudge it and make sure it just hits France.

* Maybe one of those asteroids has oil. Our luck, though, it would probably also be covered in Islamic extremists.

* Oh yeah, you need dead things to have oil. Can't we just kill lots of animals and turn them into oil ourselves? We're much smarter than nature.

* Arnold Schwarzenegger says he'll do a debate. It would be cool if he says, "Here is my rebuttal... my re-headbuttal!” and then head butts Cruz Bustamante. Then he could pick up Gray Davis and throw him against a wall. That would be the coolest debate since the time Reagan cold-cocked Jimmy Carter!

* I was only one year old during the Reagan-Carter debates and was quite distracted by a rattle, so my recollection of them may be a bit sketchy.

* Did you hear that Cruz Bustamante is a member of some group called Robo or something? It's motto is "For the race, everything. For those outside the race, nothing." Why don't they just make their motto, "We're a bunch of racist numb-nuts.”?

* Maybe instead they could have their motto be, "For the race, everything. For those outside the race, free scoops of ice cream." Then, instead of people being threatened, they'd be like, "Yay! Free ice cream!"

* Actually, I thought "Hispanic" was an ethnicity, not a race. Bustamante should clarify whether he hates other races or other ethnicities.

* Hey, I just read here that they serve nachos and Dos Equis at their meetings. Now I want to join! Bronze power!

* Even more disturbingly, I hear that Gray Davis is part of a secret ninja organization called Cyber which motto is, "For the ninja, everything. For those outside the ninja clan, beheadings."

* Also, Arianna Huffington is part of an organization called Droid which motto is, "For the air-headed socialite, everything. For those..." Know what? I think I've milked this dry.

* I've never been called a racial slur. I've always wanted to be called one, though. The only one I know is "Cracker". Where does that come from? Do white people like crackers? I like Ritz with peanut butter on them.

* Once, at college, I was watching Enter the Dragon with a group of friends. When the white guy was introduced in the story, everyone in the room started making fun of him. Then I realized I was the only white guy in the room, so I said, "The white guy ain't so bad." It would have made a great anecdote if one of my friends responded, "Shut up, you dumb cracker!" but, right now, it's only a so-so anecdote. It does involve kung fu, though.

* Actually, “cracker” is now being used to distinguish a malicious hacker from a noble one. Hacker used to be a word of esteem (among nerds and geeks, that is) before it became synonymous with breaking into computers. "I am a hacker," some would say, "and the computer doth obey me. Fear me and my power and pray that I use it for good."

* Okay, no one ever said that; I'm most likely the first person in the history of time to have come up with that sentence.

* Not much else to talk about other than Iraq. We keep hearing about our troops getting killed and then everyone who never liked the military in the first place is griping about it. At least Bush has said firmly that backing down is not an option, and I think we need that repeated. If the terrorists understand that the only thing that will stop us is them being dead, they might think twice about attacking us in the first place. And that's all I have to say about that.

Rating: 2.6/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (26) | Bite-Sized Wisdom

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